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Gakushuu: Akabane says it's stupid that I was born on the first day of the year, like I was so over-achieving from the start that I had to be born first as well
Gakuhou: Haha. Yeah. Yes. Indeed.
Gakushuu: Wh- you have your lying face on. What are you lying about.
"Hold on. Back the fuck up. What do you mean my birthday isn’t on January 1st?!”
“That’s what I said,” Gakuhou says, sipping his cup of coffee like he didn’t just shatter Gakushuu’s whole identity and bring down his worldview. “You were actually born a few minutes before midnight on December 31st.”
Gakushuu gapes at his father, who coolly stares back.
“B-but,” Gakushuu says. “My birth certificate-”
“I’m the one who filled out your birth certificate,” Gakuhou points out.
Gakushuu lets this information sink in. This is such a mundane, inconsequential piece of knowledge and yet… it shakes him to the core. People really do take most things for granted, Gakushuu thinks. Imagine you found out you were supposed to be born one day earlier - and in Gakushuu's case, it would put him in a whole different birth year. It would have 0 affect on his life (he would still be in the same school year, meet the same people) but he feels betrayed for no real reason. "You lied on my birth certificate?!"
"I did not lie ," Gakuhou says, having the gall to sound offended as if this conversation was not the product of something he himself did sixteen years ago. "It was a few minutes difference anyways."
Gakushuu crosses his arms.
"..." Gakuhou scowls at him. "You were born on 11.56pm, that is, that was the exact time you came out of your mother. There is the full course of medical procedures you had to go through before anyone had time to officially log your birth, by which time it was the new year at 00:14am."
"But you knew my actual birth time," Gakushuu presses. “You knew it was 11.56pm.”
Gakuhou sighs. "Yes. I was there."
Gakushuu crosses his arms. "Did you put me on 1st January because you wanted me to always come in first?"
Gakuhou makes a face. "Do you think I would be that shallow as to do something like that?"
Gakushuu stares at him, unmoved. "Yes."
Gakuhou opens his mouth to protest.
"You filled up my birth certificate," Gakushuu reminds him. "You could have very well written 31st December if you wanted, since you're so upright and truthful all the time. But you made a deliberate decision to put down 1st January. Why?"
Gakuhou sighs. "...It looked like a better date," He mumbles.
"Hah," Gakushuu crows, feeling a sense of achievement at getting that admission out of his father. Then he gapes, because he's still reeling from the truth bomb that was dropped on him.
"You're being dramatic," Gakuhou says, watching him pace. "It's just a few minutes."
"Those few minutes is a whole day! A whole year!" Gakushuu jabs an accusing finger in his direction. "And even so, it's the principle of things!"
“The principle of things? There is no principle to pushing a little time forward by a few minutes,” Gakuhou says, eye twitching. “It’s just a birthday.”
Gakushuu whirls around on him. “You wanted me to be born on 1st January 2001. You wanted me to come in first for everything!”
“So what if I did?!” Gakuhou crosses his arms. “It’s a better, more auspicious date!”
“It matters because you’re a lying liar that lies!”
"Well, what are you going to do about it?” Gakuhou says. At the look on Gakushuu’s face he tacks on, “I’m not taking you to change your birthday.”
“If my birthday is on December 31st…” Gakushuu says. “That makes it today, right?”
Gakuhou narrows his eyes. “Uh huh…”
“I’m calling Ren to complain about you,” Gakushuu says. He taps on his phone screen angrily.
Gakuhou watches his insufferable son for a few moments. “You are so over the top-”
“Yeah, Ren?” Gakushuu says into his phone loudly. There wasn’t a single second of waiting time from when he dialed the number, so he’s either lying about being on a call, or Ren was already glued to his phone. It could be either.
Gakuhou decides to test that. He takes his own phone and calls Gakushuu.
“Yeah, my father is a lying liar who lies,” Gakushuu is saying. “Yeah, I- hold on, I’m getting a second call. Oh, it’s just my father. Yeah, we’re in the same room right now. I’m going to hang up on him.”
Gakushuu makes direct eye contact with Gakuhou, and presses the end-call button.
Beeeeeeeep.
Where does this kid gets his dramatics from, Gakuhou wonders.
Gakushuu: you put my birthdate as 01.01.01 because you wanted me to come in first place for everything and you named me "Gakushuu" because you wanted me to good at studies?!?!
Gakuhou: yeah? What's wrong with that?!? I'm your father and it's my job to do these things!
"Haha," Karma says. "So you're canonically last place."
Ren rubs his chin thoughtfully. "You're your own AU version of yourself."
"Who knows," Karma says. "Maybe if he really put your birthday down as the 31st, you might actually come in dead last for everything."
Ren nods solemnly and says a string of gibberish. "HS AU Role Reversal." He pauses. "TW, MCD."
Karma snickers.
Gakushuu does not want to admit he understood all of that. "What the fuck does that mean," he says.
Gakushuu: wait, so- so, what did Mom say? When you told her that you were going to lie on my birth certificate?
Gakuhou: For the last time, I didn't lie on your birth certificate (that's illegal) - the doctors and nurses thought it was funny to have a baby on 01.01.01 and approved of a difference of 18 minutes. And your mother was perfectly fine with it.
Gakushuu: And what did they all say when you wanted to name me Gakushuu? Did they approve as well? Did they ask you to reconsider? Did they laugh you out of the office and call you X Æ A-12?
Gakuhou: The scribing of all your personal particulars was a long, thoughtful and mutually agreeable process.
Gakushuu: You ran away with the certificate and submitted it before Mom stopped you, didn't you
Gakuhou: I'm selling you.