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NYE 2018
Julia didn’t feel like celebrating what was probably the toughest year of her political career but yet here she stood in a room full of friends who felt more like strangers. It had been eight weeks since St Matthews. She self-consciously ran her hand across her stomach. She could barely feel the angry red scar that was now covered in a fitted black velvet knee length dress. The surgery to repair her ruptured spleen had saved her life. Besides the scar and a few lingering aches and pains, the only other visual sign of Luke Aikens trying to murder her was the mark left on the right side of her temple. Her carefully styled hair was curled over her brow, covering the evidence. Julia’s political career since the bombing had taken a turn. Her resignation from politics had come as a surprise to many but the toll of the investigation into her abuse of power, the failed assassination and bombing had been too much. The breaking point had come only a month ago when a super injunction had been granted to protect Vosler’s name being released and the walls closed in around him. She had gone into politics to help people, not to be part of a corrupt and unjust system. Her small circle of friends from her days in law were a perfectly amenable set of people. They kept in touch from time to time and rather than turn down the annual NYE get together, this year Julia accepted. What else did she have to do?
Julia took a sip of her champagne as she sat on the leather armchair in the candlelit living room of her friend Amy’s house. Their friends and partners spread out between the living room and kitchen. It was 10.30pm. Only an hour and a half to go and she could see in the New Year and get herself home. Amy was thrilled to accept Julia into her home and out of everyone she was the person Julia was closest to. Amy had been there with her mother when she returned home from the hospital. She was a good friend and Julia felt a pang of guilt for not appreciating her as much as she should do. Taking a sip of champagne from the crystal flute in her hand she smiled as Amy entered the room and sat down on the emerald green velvet sofa next to where Julia was sitting.
“I’m sorry about Anna”
Julia smiled “It’s ok, at least she asked rather than just staring at me, looking for the scars”
“Yes, well she isn’t the most tactful at times, is she? I wasn’t expecting her to come straight out and ask to see them” Amy looked at Julia wide eyed before letting out a little giggle
Julia had to laugh herself “I think I’d have a raised a few eyebrows if I’d showed her every scar. I know we are all friends here…” She didn’t need to say anymore as Amy knew where the scar she was talking about was. Julia, again ran her hand across her stomach, smoothing the soft velvet of her dress down beneath her palm.
“How is it?”
“Not so bad. Still a bit tight but it looks worse than it is”
“and how are you? Are you feeling ok about everything?”
Julia let out another small laugh “In all honesty, I don’t think I even know. I was supposed to be running for PM and now look at me. I’m technically unemployed and can’t get out of a chair without groaning in pain” Her laughter died down as she looked down at her glass and let a brief moment of sadness course through her.
Amy’s hand reached to Julia’s knee and rested on it reassuringly. “You’re allowed to be sad Julia. You know the offer still stands. I’d have you at the firm in a heartbeat. You’re a bloody good lawyer and you can still help people, like you always wanted”
Julia had at first rejected Amy’s offer to return to law. She didn’t want her pity. It had only been four weeks since her resignation from politics. It wasn’t time to rush into anything, but the more time Julia had to think about it the more it seemed like a good prospect. “I know and thank you” Julia rested her hand on top of Amy’s gave it a squeeze. “Thank you for everything you have done. I will think about it. I don’t know how your partners are going to feel about an ex home secretary with a police investigation to her name”
Amy smiled “That’s the beauty of your partners being your brothers and that’s for me to worry about, not you. Also the police investigation was dropped when you resigned anyway so that’s bollocks”
Julia leant back in her armchair and raised an eyebrow in Amy’s direction.
“Have you heard from him?” Amy knew better than to mention his name.
Julia flinched at the question. “No. Last I heard through Kim is he was taking some time to get help and considering a job in private security, but I’ve not spoken to her for a few weeks”
“I know you probably don’t want to talk about it but have you thought about getting in touch”
Julia had. She had thought about getting in touch with Him every single day. Her thumb had hovered over the call and send button more times that she cared to admit. “His children nearly lost their Dad because of me. I lost him his job. I can’t”
“Has he tried to contact you at all?”
Julia remembered her heart hammering in her chest the first time he had tried to ring her. She had watched the phone ringing on her bedside table and let it go to voicemail. The voicemails still sat unheard on her phone. As the weeks have gone on the calls have become less frequent. The texts however are still there. The earlier texts asking her to call him, the texts apologising, the angry texts and more recently the middle of the night texts missing her. Each one breaking her heart over and over again. “A few times”
“and…”
“And I haven’t responded. He is better off without me” Julia flicked her hair back and took another sip of her champagne”
“Julia, he loves you”
Julia let out a guffaw “Amy, please” She spun her head round to her blonde friend. “Don’t be so ridiculous”
“What is so ridiculous about the idea of someone loving you Julia?”
Julia hated how much Amy knew her better than she knew herself. There is no benefit for Him being in love with her. What does he want with a washed up, older woman. They had a physical connection and that was it. “It was just physical, nothing else”
With that Amy grabbed Julia’s champagne flute and took her hand. Pulling her from the armchair she dragged her past the hustle and bustle of the kitchen into the study across the hall. Once in she shut the door behind them. Julia stood beside a large mantelpiece, her mouth open in shock, speechless. “Julia , that man stood in the middle of the city with a bomb strapped to his chest, he put his life at risk from what you say to hide that Kompromat and did everything in his power to protect you. You can’t tell me it was only physical?”
Julia walked the width of the fireplace and circled back on herself. “It was his job”
“Bullshit”
Julia lifted her head and locked eyes with Amy. Her friend was not giving up on this one. “His job was to protect me”
“And what about you?”
“what about me?”
“You can’t tell me you have no feelings whatsoever for Him?” Christ you can’t even say His name”
Julia huffed in indignation. She had been in his situation once before with Amy when Roger had cheated on her for the umpteenth time. It was the same setting, the same tone of voice “You can’t seriously tell me you’re considering going back to him again after this one. Where is your self respect Julia?”. Julia folded her arms defensively and remained silent. However Julia knew Amy would not let her leave this study, regardless of it being a New Years Eve party, until she admitted her true feelings.
“and what if I do have feelings for him? I resign from politics and a month later I am in bed with the very man that I have been denying an affair with. How does that look?”
Amy rolled her eyes and leant against the office desk “Julia, who gives a fuck?”
“I do” Julia said a little too loudly “Sorry, I didn’t mean to shout” She continued to pace. “Nobody would take me seriously as a lawyer, I’d be a laughing stock”
“But you’d be happy, wouldn’t you?”
Julia didn’t even let herself daydream about what life could be like with Him. There was no need to as she knew it would be a happier life than she was living now. “Maybe, but we both need time”
Amy’s voice softened “Julia, if the last few months have proved anything it’s life is too short. If you love him, which I suspect you do, does he not deserve to know and do you not owe it to yourself to try”
Something in Julia was breaking. Loving Him was never meant to happen. Fighting it was exhausting her. Her eyes began to tear as she walk over to perch next to Amy on the desk. “How do I even have that conversation now…after everything. Hi, sorry I’ve ignored you for two months, but I love you” A tear spilled down her cheek. “What if he doesn’t feel the same?”
“There is only one way to find out” Amy held her friend’s hand again and let Julia rest her head on her shoulder. “Sorry for dragging you in here” She laughed, “Last time I did this it was to tell you how much of a wanker Roger is”
Julia laughed, wiping the lone tear from her cheek “Yeah and you were right about him”
“and…I think I am right about this one”
“Hmmm maybe” Julia seemed unsure and full of mixed emotions. Lifting her head from Amy’s shoulder she stood upright and straightened the square neckline of her dress and tugged at the ¾ length sleeves. “You’re a good friend. I don’t think I tell you as much as I should” She shifted awkwardly as she spoke. “Sorry”
“Don’t apologise. You’ve had a shit time and you know I am always here for you”
Julia smiled gratefully. “As you are such a good friend, do you mind if I make an early exit. I think they is something I need to do”
Amy grinned knowingly “I heard you weren’t feeling too great”
“Thank you”
It was now 11.15pm and Julia was beginning the fifteen-minute stroll through the park back to her flat. Her cashmere coat bundled around her to keep her warm. The frost was sparkling the pavement beneath her feet and she smiled as she remembered Him telling her a story of Ella thinking fairies came out when it was cold to sprinkle glitter on the ground to make it look that way. Feeling for her phone in her pocket she pulled it out and stopped walking. Her finger was finely programmed now to find his number immediately. Her breath misted in the cold air as she stared down at His name. Realising she was then holding her breath she let out another cloud of warm air and shutting her eyes she pressed the green call button and lifted her phone to her ear. She could hear her heart beating loudly in her chest as it rang once, twice, three times… Tears pricked at her eyes as His voicemail kicked in. Unsure whether to leave a message or not she listened to the generic voicemail instructions, ignoring the sickly feeling in her stomach.
“Hello” His deep, soothing voice with the all too familiar Scottish lilt shocked her. “Hello…Julia?” He sounded out of breath as if he had ran to his phone.
“David” For the first time in two months she said his name. In that second realising just how much she had missed it.