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“What is it?”
And indeed, there is something. Something about this time of the year that makes Dazai long for death even more, that makes him more distraught by life. Still, there is no logical reason behind it. At least nothing he can convey in a way for the other man to understand, so he lies.
“Nothing.” He says and he can immediately see it carve up in Chuuya's face, an expression that tells him he doesn't buy it. And it does make sense; after all, they had known each other for too many years for Chuuya to fall for such a poorly crafted lie.
“Whatever you say, Mackerel. Just answer me this, do you want to leave the house tonight?” He asks and Dazai is left wondering what he should do.
Because if he actually tried he could manage to fool Chuuya. He could always put on a facade. He could always craft a better lie, and none of those tasks would suppose him much effort, but was there a point to that? He sure didn't know anymore. He had produced so many lies in his entire life to the point where he actually started believing some of them and failed to realize if there was a deeper meaning to that. Did the lying start for an actual reason or just because of a whim?
"Mackerel." The other’s voice interrupts his train of thought and makes him realize it doesn’t matter anymore. What matters right now is the answer he is going to give Chuuya.
“Did the Slug say something? Sorry, you are so tiny that sometimes I mistake your voice with background noise,” he says and Chuuya inhales deeply, like he is gathering all the patience in the world, to then exhale.
“I asked what you wanted to do tonight. Do you want to go out?"
“No," he immediately answers and astonishment paints Chuuya’s face likely due to his sincerity and that he had expected more evasives instead of an actual answer.
“What do you want to do?”
“Stay here with me“ and Chuuya smiles because that's more in character of Dazai, and maybe because he doesn't want to go anywhere else on his own.
"You are a selfish prick, you know that?”
“And you still love me, so your point?”
"Bastard" he says as he throws a cushion at his face before he jumps out of bed and leaves the room. After a couple of minutes Dazai goes after him.
Once in the living room he notices Chuuya near the apartment entrance putting his shoes on, and somehow today that stings in a way he didn't know it could.
“Where are you going?” He immediately inquires, not worrying how it comes out or how the other man may perceive him for asking such a thing.
“If you think I'm spending New Year's Eve alone with you while being sober you are wrong. I’m getting wine, do you need anything?”
Had they been different people maybe Chuuya's response would've come out as rude or annoyed, but that’s not the case in their shared language. It was more of a “I'm not leaving you” or a ”I'm coming back, I promise.” And that's enough for Dazai, that reassurance is more than enough and probably more than he deserves, but that's a whole nother level of honesty. One he isn't ready to untame yet.
“Crab flavored chips. A large bag, don't be stingy Chuuya.”
“You hypocrite, you don't even buy your own snacks! I’m sure even your salary is enough for that.”
“Wow, that was such an unnecessary flex Chuuya, I’m very offended…”
“Tsk. I’m getting your shit so get out of my ass,” he says as he walks through the door “and Dazai” he calls before the other can close it, peeking through the corridor “thank you, for telling me.”
“Don’t get used to it, chibikko,” is what comes out of his mouth but what he truly means is no, thank you.