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Taehyung stared at his duffle bag. It was hardly packed, despite him needing to catch his train in just two hours. He glanced out the window, snow building up on the sill, glistening from all the lights outside their building.
His mother was probably already cooking. His father was surely wrapping some last minute gifts. They were anticipating Taehyung’s arrival while Taehyung simply stared at his unpacked luggage, unable to make himself keep going.
Because even with all the warmth his family gave him, even with all the comfort he felt at home, he couldn’t have a happy Christmas knowing Jimin would be alone at their apartment for the holiday.
Despite the false smiles he was given, he knew his friend too well to be fooled.
Taehyung had offered that he come home with him, but Jimin had politely declined. He ‘didn’t want to impose,’ despite both of them knowing just how much Taehyung’s family loved him. He understood, though. Jimin didn’t want to be faced with someone else’s happy family, not when he was deprived of his own.
But then how could Taehyung be happy, knowing Jimin wasn’t?
Jimin was his family too, after all.
A chosen family, just like so much of Jimin’s family was forced to be at this point.
And maybe that was more meaningful than any blood relation could be. Taehyung would choose Jimin over and over…why would today be any different?
“Are you not packed, yet? Taehyung…” The soft voice broke him from his thoughts and he turned to see his best friend leaning against his door frame— and the decision was made so instantly, he wondered if he’d ever even questioned it in the first place.
He frowned, rubbing the back of his neck, and stared back down at his bag. “My… train was cancelled.”
A small gasp left Jimin, who pushed off the door frame and walked closer to him. A hand rested on his shoulder. “Oh no. Taehyungie, I’m so sorry.” A small seed of guilt planted itself in Taehyung’s chest as Jimin squeezed his bicep and moved to look out the window. “It does look kind of bad, I suppose. Was it the weather, or...?”
Taehyung bit his lip as he looked at his phone, aching a little. He was lying. And he’d have to come up with an excuse for his family, too, though he had a feeling they’d be able to see right through him. “Yeah, I- I think so.”
Jimin frowned again, shaking his head. “Your family is so important to you. I could, uh, drive you, if you want?”
Shaking his head, Taehyung laughed a little. “Jiminah, I feel like I’m going to pass out from you driving in clear weather… I don’t think my poor heart could survive it right now.”
That got him a whack to the arm and he giggled at the scowl on Jimin’s pretty face. “Brat.” He pouted a little before moving to Taehyung’s bedside, staring down at the bag. He sighed. “Is there really nothing that can be done? We’ll look and see if it’s rescheduled in the morning, of course.”
Taehyung shrugged, pulling out pajama bottoms from his bag. “Yeah, we’ll see. Hey, do you still have the matching set I got us last year?”
Jimin snorted, shaking his head and standing. “I’ll be right back.”
When he left, Taehyung took the opportunity to text his dad an apology. The train was delayed. He’d try to get there tomorrow. ‘Send lots of pictures.’ And by the time Jimin came back in, he was changed into his checkered pajamas that matched Taehyung’s, his smile bright. And any ache in Taehyung’s heart was soothed so immediately by Jimin’s happiness, it was like it never existed at all. He tucked his phone in his pocket and smiled just as brightly back.
--
“Were your parents really sad?” Jimin hummed as he poured their glasses of wine, lips stuck out in a pout that Taehyung couldn’t take his eyes off of until he realized he hadn’t answered the question. Jimin looked at him curiously.
He felt his cheeks get a little hot, Jimin’s own fond smile forming. “Ah- yeah, a little, but… nothing we can really do about it.”
Jimin handed him a glass, looking a little thoughtful. “Isn’t this your first Christmas away from them, though? That’s so hard. I’m really sorry, Tae.”
When he took a sip of the wine, he scrunched up his face almost immediately and Jimin started giggling. “How do you drink this?”
“It’s all we have! And I’m not gonna go risk my life with my so-called terrible driving to get something better.” He stuck his tongue out and Taehyung grinned, shaking his head.
“I guess I’ll have to tolerate it for your sake, then.” He took another sip, cringing, and Jimin rolled his eyes, though the fondness remained. “As for Christmas, well… not ideal, I guess, but at least I’ve got you, huh? Not alone, at least.”
He swore he saw pink painted over Jimin’s cheeks before he ducked down a little to take another drink. “Yeah, I guess so.”
It was kind of a dream, spending the holiday with Jimin. They’d been friends for a few years now, and when they moved in together, it solidified his little crush into something that became more… permanent. He’d always been enamored with Park Jimin. It’s just that, existing in the same space as him slowly made him realize how much more there was to it. Every day gave him more to cherish about the other. Enamored hadn’t cut it for a while.
No, Taehyung was in love.
And that was okay.
He loved easily, even if it was quieter than most. He loved far and wide and often. He didn’t hesitate to let the world entice his heart. And how could Jimin not do the same, when Jimin enticed the world?
“So,” Jimin started, gesturing to the apartment broadly, “what do you want to do?”
That’s how they found themselves late into the night of Christmas Eve, finally decorating their apartment. They were giggling all over each other as they put up lights unevenly, haphazardly throwing tinsel around, and singing Christmas songs loudly and terrible. Jimin, on his third glass of wine, humbly excused himself to the bathroom.
Taehyung grinned watching him go, shaking his head as he looked at all the decorations. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he braced himself for the message, biting his lip as he read what his dad had written back.
‘Love you, son. Be careful. Take care of Jimin well. We love you both.’
His parents knew him well. Lying wasn’t something Taehyung tried very much with his parents, and for good reason. They really could see right through him. So when Taehyung had first introduced Jimin to them, they had smiled at each other knowingly, like a shared secret. As Jimin and Taehyung’s friendship grew, the closer they became, before Taehyung was ever even aware of his own feelings, it was apparently evident to his parents.
And they encouraged it, of course. They told him often how much they loved Jimin. How good he was for Taehyung. How happy they were whenever they got to see them. When Taehyung told his parents about what happened to Jimin and his family, it struck them almost as deeply as it did him. He mulled over his father’s words at that time: “No matter what, Jimin will always have a place here, too.”
“God, it looks like shit in here.” Jimin reappeared and immediately started laughing, falling forward a little as he glanced around the apartment. They had a tiny plastic tree set up in the corner of the living room with branches sticking out every which way. Strings of lights draped over areas they both knew they would end up running into one way or another. Oversized fluffy socks substituted for stockings hung on the wall next to the tv.
Taehyung pouted, setting his phone on the side table and plopping down on the couch. “Where’s your Christmas spirit, Jiminah?! It looks great if you believe it looks great.”
Jimin fell into place right next to him with an ease Taehyung loved. “I guess you have a point.” He tapped his finger to his lips, observing the mess of decorations, and gave him an ear-splitting grin. “You know what? Maybe it’s actually the best I’ve ever seen.”
His hand rested on Taehyung’s thigh, squeezing once. Taehyung draped his arm around Jimin’s shoulders and pulled him close. “I’ll say I’ve definitely never had as much fun doing it.”
His friend nodded, pushing his hair back out of his face, and Taehyung couldn’t help it as his eyes followed the movement. Jimin’s roots were coming back in, laced in with a fading bleach job. Pink still mingled at the ends. Jimin said it was ugly. Taehyung thought it was cute.
Taehyung was a little biased.
He reached to brush a strand behind his ear and his heart began to beat a little faster when Jimin’s eyes crinkled closed in his smile. Jimin sighed, leaning into the touch. “I feel a little guilty, Tae…”
“Why’s that?” He turned his head a little, rubbing his thumb absentmindedly against his cheek. Despite the space available to them on the couch, they huddled close together, bodies pressed together, legs hanging over each other. It was just easy. It always was.
Jimin sighed, glancing away. His face was a little flushed from the alcohol, but perhaps something else as well. “I’m… I’m really glad you’re here with me. I know it’s selfish, I know, but I'm... glad that I’m not alone. I’m glad you’re who’s with me.” He quickly rubbed at his eyes, a small hollow laugh spilling from his lips. “I’m an asshole.”
“You’re not.” He cupped his face with both hands then, watching him very seriously. Jimin tried to avert his gaze, but Taehyung just shook his head, hand gentle as he held him still. “Jimin, I want to be here with you, too. I’m glad I’m here. And you wanting to be with someone? To not be alone? You don’t have to feel bad about that.”
Normally, in the history of their friendship, Jimin was the one who tended to wipe away Taehyung’s tears. Now, Taehyung let his thumb brush just under Jimin’s eyes where they welled up. It was the build up of all the pressure Jimin had faced, alongside the heartbreak. The loss. Taehyung had known it was only a matter of time before his best friend fell apart. It’s why he needed to be here, be with him, to help him pick up the pieces.
“I’m here.”
Jimin whimpered, small and soft, shaking his head as he leaned forward, letting Taehyung hold him like this. “I’m sorry. I’m ruining Christmas even more for you, I’m-”
Taehyung hushed him and pulled him close, lips pressed to his hair. “Don’t ever want you to apologize, okay? Not for something like this. I told you, Jiminah, I want to be here with you. You couldn’t ruin anything for me.”
They spent a few moments like that, with Taehyung pressing a soft kind of love into his skin, before Jimin pulled back. His eyes were a little red as he bit his lip. He held onto Taehyung’s hands. “Taehyungah… was your train really cancelled?”
Taehyung froze for a moment. He swallowed. He looked at their clasped hands and squeezed. Jimin’s breath hitched when Taehyung met his eyes and shook his head. “No…” Jimin started, brow furrowing in despair, but Taehyung spoke quickly.
“You wouldn’t have let me stay if I’d told you the truth. I’m sorry for lying. But I had to stay. I had to stay with you, Jimin, I couldn’t let you be alone. I wouldn’t be able to have a good Christmas knowing you were here on your own, anyway. Knowing you’re not happy.” He was desperate to make him understand.
Jimin, at least, didn’t let go. He sighed, heavy, exasperated, but he didn’t let go. “Should’ve told you I was gonna stay with friends or something.” The words were grumbled out and Taehyung smiled sadly, parting his lips to speak, to object, but Jimin beat him to it. “You’re unbelievable. I’m so mad at you. What the hell, Taehyung, of course I wouldn’t have let you stay! Your family is so important to you!” He glared, furious- not so much at Taehyung as maybe just himself. Maybe just the world. “You shouldn’t have stayed. You should’ve gone home. I wish you’d gone home.”
“Jimin-”
“No, no, because- because, I don’t… I don’t want to…” His throat closed up. His tears spilled over. Taehyung’s heart ached with him. “I’m not going to be anyone’s burden. I don’t want anyone sacrificing anything for me. I don’t want you to give up things just on account of me being dealt a shitty fuckin’ hand.” Jimin let out a choked sob, wiping his sleeve over his eyes and nose, aggravation at his own grief.
Still, he didn’t pull away from Taehyung.
The soft music that played faintly around them began to fade, now filling the silence with a scratching noise instead. It was left on the record player Taehyung had insisted on keeping in their living room and Jimin had allowed, fond and exasperated all at once.
“You should go take it off. Probably gonna damage it or something.” Jimin sniffled, refusing to meet his eyes, but Taehyung sighed and pulled Jimin’s hands to his lips. He kissed his knuckles.
“I’m sorry for lying. I’m not sorry for staying.”
Jimin’s laughter was stunted and soft. Harsh, only towards himself. “And I’m not even mad at you, even if maybe you deserve it.” Taehyung pouted a little at that and Jimin rolled his eyes, patting his cheek. “You drive me insane, you know. I just-” He shook his head and Taehyung could see the thoughts churning in that beautiful mind of his. “I feel so awful for being happy you’re here.”
He pulled his hands back and stood up, making his way to the record player. He pulled the needle. He stood there, back to Taehyung, who could feel the heaviness draped over his shoulders. “I know you’re going to tell me not to feel bad. You’re too good, Taehyung, you’re so good. You deserve the best things.”
Jimin’s voice trailed off, like he had more that wanted to be said, but wouldn’t quite come out. Taehyung slowly stood, a little hesitant, a little desperate. He wished he could make all of Jimin’s bad feelings go away, because that’s what he deserved. Jimin deserved the best things.
“You can’t just take away my agency either, though, angel.” Taehyung smiled, taking a few steps closer. “I am choosing to stay here with you, because, believe it or not, it’s what I want to do.”
Jimin scoffed, turning to face him. “Such a martyr.”
It was Taehyung’s turn to roll his eyes. “I know, god forbid I enjoy spending time with you.”
He got a tongue stuck out at him for that comment and Taehyung wondered how long he’d been in love with an absolute child.
“Okay, Taehyung, yes, that’s all fine and good - but you can spend time with me whenever you want. This is a holiday. It’s Christmas! You should be with your family.”
“You are my family.”
His words were soft, gentle, but assertive. Full of an endless sort of love that Taehyung would devote to Jimin for as long as he was allowed to. Because it was true. It had been true for years. He cupped his face again, meeting those big, teary eyes. “I’m spending Christmas with my family.”
Jimin stared at him, disbelief evident in his eyes, though he clutched onto Taehyung’s arms like it was his only way to hold onto the moment. His mouth parted and closed again a couple times before he managed quiet words. “You can’t just say things like that.”
He raised an eyebrow. “And why not?”
“Because I-” And Jimin cut himself short. Mind spinning. Thoughts interrupting themselves. Second guessing every word that came out of his mouth, because what if it was the wrong one? What if the other person didn’t like what he said? Taehyung knew his mind like he knew his own. He nodded gently to quietly urge him to continue, and Jimin bit his lip. “I wish I could feel like I deserved you, Kim Taehyung.”
Like this, with Jimin so close, it felt like there was still music in the air around them.
“I’ll tell you every day until you believe it.” Taehyung grinned when Jimin swatted his arm, holding him up even as he fell into him in his laughter. His smile grew wider. He could listen to him laugh for ages. In fact, if he could get that printed onto a record, he’d force Jimin to listen to it until he threw the whole record player out entirely.
Jimin was closer. Knees tucked in, body tilted forward. Taehyung could count every little faint freckle. His cheeks were flushed, eyes wide and sparkling. His lips a little pinker than usual, parted ever so slightly. A masterpiece. Park Jimin was a masterpiece.
“I wanna believe it.” He murmured, not making any motion to leave this little space they’d crafted together. The world was theirs. It was just a matter of if they would take it. “I wanna believe I’m good enough for you.” He didn’t miss the way Jimin’s eyes traced the shape of his face, the slope of his nose, flickering between each mole, lingering heavily on his own lips.
The air didn’t escape Taehyung’s lungs, but instead sat there. Heavy. Waiting.
He had always been content in loving Jimin in how Jimin needed to be loved. His relatives hadn’t been his family for a long time, now, and Jimin had slowly, painfully swallowed that devastatingly large pill. Taehyung just wanted to be a support in any way possible. He could exist with his feelings separately. He could be the best friend that Jimin so desperately needed.
He still needed his best friend.
He just looked like he wanted to kiss his best friend, too.
“You’ve always been more than enough, Jiminah.” The words circled between them in a whisper as he tucked his hair behind his ear. “You are perfectly enough for me.”
Time didn’t stop when Jimin leaned forward. It kept ticking on, wrapping the two of them in an embrace that Taehyung would be content to grow old in.
He tasted like cheap red wine and stale sugar cookies and dried tears and it didn’t matter because he tasted like everything warm that Taehyung cherished in the world. He tasted like Jimin, and Jimin tasted like love.
“You’re blushing.” Jimin smiled shyly, stroking his cheek. Taehyung tried to duck his face, fondness creeping onto his lips until it bubbled out into a giggle as Jimin tilted his chin back up. “Why are you blushing?”
Taehyung shrugged, trying to bite back his grin, and failing miserably. “Wanted to do that for a long time. Didn’t actually think it was ever gonna happen.”
Jimin matched his grin at that, his own face warm and pink. “A long time, huh?”
“Shut up.” He laughed and he leaned in and it was only a moment, a pause, before Jimin bridged the gap again. He kissed him like Taehyung knew he would. Gently, at first, and then with everything in him. Hesitant, in fear that he might lose his footing on something so fragile, and then all at once when he found such stable ground.
Time must have passed, though Taehyung couldn’t be bothered to fathom how much or how little. He cradled Jimin’s face in his hands and let their foreheads rest together and oh, Taehyung thought there might be nothing more precious in the world than right now.
He smiled, staring at Jimin, watching thoughts race behind his eyes. “Talk me through it, angel.” And Jimin briefly squished his nose in annoyance at how easily his best friend could read him.
“I have… a lot of concerns. About us. About this. Irrational ones, mostly, but maybe some that aren’t. I’m scared. I’m worried I’ll be too much or not enough or - imperfect at all. Which is unrealistic. But I don’t wanna mess this up. I can’t. You’re - you mean too much.” He leveled him with serious eyes and Taehyung met it with just as much intent.
He nodded and smiled and he kept touching Jimin’s face… he wasn’t sure how he was ever meant to stop. “I have a whole mess of feelings for you, Park Jimin, and I’ve had them through your best days and your worst, and they just don’t seem to want to go away. So, I mean, you can try your hardest, but I don’t think there’s any reality where anything messes this up.”
Jimin tapped his shoulder, shaking his head and averting his gaze. “I don’t want to cry anymore.”
“You could just keep kissing me, instead?”
He hit him again, but grabbed onto the collar of his shirt, tilting in, smiling against the softness of his lips. “Lucky you’re cute.”
“I’m lucky for more reasons than that.” Taehyung managed before pressing them close. “Lucky you tolerate me.” He kissed him again. “Lucky I get to be here with you.” Again.
Jimin snorted. “Sort of made your own luck with that one, didn’t you?” He grinned, pulling back, glancing down at their position. He was halfway into Taehyung’s lap, the two of them snickering at how easily they’d fallen into place with each other like this. “Speaking of - I’m still mad at you. You’re calling your parents in the morning. I’m apologizing on your behalf.”
“You could just come with me tomorrow, you know? They know why I stayed.” His voice got softer, hands resting on Jimin’s hips, looking up at him in reverence. “Didn’t have to tell them for them to know why I had to.”
His cheeks were suddenly squished between Jimin’s hands, who leaned in close. “You are just too good, you bastard. What am I going to do with you?”
Taehyung quirked an eyebrow, head tilted, and Jimin rolled his eyes and groaned. “Yeah, Jiminah, what are you going to do with me?”
“Take you to bed. To sleep.” He urged, tapping his nose before kissing it. “And then wake us up with an early breakfast.” He pressed his lips to one of his eyelids, making Taehyung giggle. “And then make you facetime your parents and probably embarrass the living hell out of both of us.” He kissed his cheek, warm and pushed up from his smile. “And I’m going to be doing this every ten seconds because I just…” He went to kiss his other cheek, but Taehyung caught his lips first, holding him close, tasting him deeply and longingly and brilliantly, memorizing it. “...can’t seem to stop.”
Jimin was breathless as he looked down at him, shaking his head in something like disbelief. Taehyung wondered how he could believe in anything else. Taehyung spoke, holding his hands to his chest all the while. “I have something I want to tell you. And I’m going to tell you in the morning. But I want you to know I feel it now, and I’ve felt it for a long time, but I want, ah, I think I should wait.”
Nodding, smiling, Jimin slowly stood, pulling him off the couch with him. He stood with him there, for a moment or three… memorizing it. “Okay.” He hummed, pressing a lingering kiss to his neck. “Tell me in the morning, baby.”
The night brought hushed giggling and quiet kisses and an understanding of something that had always been there, but was only just now allowed to peak into the world. It brought tangled limbs and whispered adorations. It was bright and exciting.
The morning brought something new and familiar all at once. Something tender. It brought reassurance. Ease.
Jimin watched Taehyung pretend to sleep, studying his features. Taehyung smiled, pulling him close, kissing him despite both their complaints of morning breath.
“Am I allowed to say that I’m in love with you?” Taehyung whispered, holding tight.
“Only if you mean it.” Jimin returned, quietly enough so it might not disturb the air around them.
Taehyung giggled, nuzzling in, sighing happily. “I told you, Jimin, I’ve felt it for a long time. There’s fewer things I mean more than that.”
“I love you too.” Jimin looked fearful, but more than that, he looked sure. Taehyung felt something beautiful bloom in his chest at that. “I’m still afraid. But I love you. And- I think that’s allowed.”
They didn’t manage to leave their bed until far past time for an elaborate breakfast, and when they called Taehyung’s parents, they absolutely embarrassed the living hell out of them.
When Taehyung packed his bags and got on the next train back to his parents house, he reached over to take Jimin’s hand, who took the seat right next to him.
He would always have a place next to Taehyung. No matter what.