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This whole thing probably didn’t start because Andy is easy to embarrass, but he thinks that may have been what kept it going after the first time.
Andy’s family isn’t particularly religious -- they do the big holidays (Christmas, Easter, etc) and that’s about it. Still, every year since his family moved to Toronto, they go to the next town over where there’s a Little Bethlaham being put on. It’s pretty cool, for the most part. But ever since Andy turned thirteen, he’s been getting wildly embarrassed by the woman running the poncho stand.
“You’re back!” The woman declares, delighted. Her dark eyes shine with mirth, and Andy thinks he might find her welcoming if he didn’t know what comes next. “Is your son still unwed? He would make an excellent husband to one of my sons. Say, nine goats and three chickens?”
The offer had started at three goats, and had been for one of the woman’s daughters to marry Andy. When Andy’s mother had politely told the woman that her son was actually interested in other men and thus, regretfully, couldn’t marry any of her daughters, the woman didn’t even hesitate before offering one of her sons instead.
Andy buries his face in his hands as his mother begins to grin. “Oh, he’s not wed yet, but we’re not ready to commit. There may be a better offer yet.”
The lady clucks in disappointment as Andy hopes for the ground to swallow him. He’s sure he’s as red as a stop sign by now, but hopefully his big hands are useful here and are big enough to cover his face.
“Wait too long and there might not be any options left!” the poncho seller is saying. She pulls along the son that is always working at the stand with her, planting him next to her. “See? He’s a young, strapping boy! A good match for your son.”
Andy’s mother laughs. Andy peeks at the guy through his fingers, but he doesn’t seem that embarrassed. He’s smiling, seemingly eating up the attention, and when he catches Andy’s eye, he winks. Andy suppresses a squeak as he hides behind his hands again.
Andy’s glad to be attending U of T. It’s a good school, and he thinks he can really go somewhere with kinesthesiology. Getting to play on the school’s hockey team would just be a bonus. One he’d really like, but still not something he needs.
It doesn’t occur to Andy that he might run into Goat Guy (as his family refers to him) outside of Little Bethlaham. It’s like seeing teachers outside of school -- it just doesn’t occur to him that they have a life outside of where their lives intersect with Andy’s. Because of this, when Andy shows up for the first round of tryouts for the Varsity Blues, Andy doesn’t figure out why the guy with an A on his jersey skating around with a huge grin seems so familiar.
It’s not until after he’s been running sprints to test his speed and he’s hunching over trying to catch his breath that it clicks: that’s Goat Guy.
Andy’s head snaps up, looking at the Goat Guy. Goat Guy looks over at the sudden movement and looks back at Andy, quirking an eyebrow. He looks a little confused at the attention but mostly preening, a little amused curl to the corner of his mouth. It’s a good mouth. Andy’s not going to think about it.
Nothing can be done because the team’s captain (and hopefully Andy’s, after this), whistles them all back to centre ice. He’s on the shorter side for a hockey player, but Andy saw his edges, and he knows that doesn’t mean he’s not good. There’s a broad guy lurking just behind him at the captain’s shoulder, but he looks relaxed, smiling at Andy when he’s caught looking curiously.
“Okay.” The captain claps his hands together. “First things first. My name’s Marc, not Marky, not Pierre. Last name’s LaPointe, but you’ll all fuck that up, so you can use Pointdexter, Pointer, or other ridiculous hockey nicknames you come up with. I know that’s a part of the culture and an important part of bonding and camaraderie.” The guy at his shoulder looks amused at this. Andy didn’t realise the captain was French Canadian, but it’s coming through in his accent even if his English is spotless. “That said, I want to make it clear this is an accepting environment, except in the ways we’d fall into the tolerance paradox.” Andy mouths tolerance paradox to himself silently. “This is Dan, my boyfriend.” He throws a thumb towards the player at his shoulder, who gives a dorky little wave. “I don’t care if that bothers you. I don’t care if you’re not comfortable sharing a locker room with us. If you want to be on this team, you will put up with it. If you think that’s not something you can do, you can leave now.”
There’s an extended beat of silence as most of the guys at the tryouts look at each other, seemingly trying to figure out if the captain is serious or if this is some kind of test. Andy doesn’t think it is; the captain looks dead serious. Even if it is a test, it’s one Andy almost appreciates.
“No one leaving? Good. Coach and I will decide who gets through this round of tryouts. You’ll see the posting outside the arena on Tuesday morning.” The captain dismisses them all with a wave, and after a beat of hesitation and confusion, the players start to shuffle off the ice and into the dressing room.
Andy hangs around a moment, biting his lip and looking at the Goat Guy, unsure what to do. Should he ask? Before he can make his decision, Goat Guy catches him looking and makes it for him, skating over and stopping directly before Andy.
“Do I know you?” he asks, lifting dark eyebrows from underneath his visor.
“Uh,” Andy stammers. He can feel himself turning red, and hopes he can pass it off as the exertion from tryouts. “So this is going to sound weird…”
Goat Guy grins. “Lay it on me. I love weird.”
Andy takes his helmet off, shaking his hair out. “Does your mom sell ponchos? And every Christmas try to buy you or your siblings a husband?”
Goat Guy blinks at him for a moment before he bursts into laughter, doubling over with it. “Oh fuck, that’s you .” He laughs so hard that he has to wipe a tear from his eye. “I am so sorry. I guess my mom felt that four kids wasn’t enough to embarrass, so she started randomly embarrassing other people’s kids too.”
Andy shrugs, unable to keep his eyes off of Goat Guy as he takes his own helmet off, revealing dark, sweaty hair. He grins at Andy, and he smells like hockey gear and looks worn with sweat. He’s gorgeous.
“So I’m not special? Your mom tries to get you engaged to all the random teenagers at Little Bethlehem?” Andy asks.
Goat Guy’s laugh is like warm syrup, dark and sweet. “Oh no, you must definitely are special. She doesn’t do it to anyone else. I think she picks you out by your hair. Made it even easier when you shot up like a tree.” He gestures up and down Andy’s frame.
Andy groans, running a hand through said ginger hair. “At least she’s not trying to buy every young adult from their parents for marriage.”
Goat Guy’s still looking at him, eyes focused, but friendly enough that Andy doesn’t feel self conscious. “You know, if we’re practically engaged,” he starts, and Andy snorts, which makes him grin but keep going, “we should probably know each other’s names. I’m Derek.”
Does Andy hold a hand out here? What is he supposed to do? “Uh, I’m Andy.”
Derek winks at him, and Andy can feel blood rushing to his face again. “Should I be worried about your parents saying yes this year?”
Without thinking, Andy says, “I think mom’s waiting for you to offer a camel.”
Derek guffaws. “I won’t tell my mom.”
“You good, Cary?” Andy hears shouted across the ice, and looks over to see the broad guy (the captain’s boyfriend?) lingering by the entrance to the locker rooms.
“Cary?” Andy asks.
“Hockey name. Last name’s Carruthers,” he says to Andy, then turns across the ice and shouts to the other hockey player, “Hey Riley! Meet my fiance!”
Andy buries his face in his hands, but he doesn’t think that fools Derek from knowing that he’s laughing.
Andy wouldn’t say he’s much of a prankster, but that doesn’t mean he’s not willing to go along with Derek’s plan on this one.
“Who are you texting, sweetheart?” his mother asks as they’re waiting in line to get into that year’s Little Bethlehem.
Andy bites his lip. “Derek from the hockey team,” he says. He texts Derek, we’re in line. almost in . Behind them, he hears the people in line whispering about how the petting zoo near the front looks nearly empty, and where are all the animals?
Andy’s mom’s eyebrows go up. “You’ve been mentioning him quite a bit. Is there something you’d like to tell us?”
Andy’s dad looks over, an amused expression on his face as Andy can feel himself turning red again. Curse his red-headed genes.
“We’re just friendly, is all,” he mumbles.
“You know you can tell us if it’s more,” Andy’s mom says.
Andy shrugs. “I know.”
They get through the gate, paying for their little pennies at the booth. Andy texts Derek we’re in , and sees him reply, hacker voice , right before Andy slips his phone into his pockets. He bites down on his laugh.
Derek’s mom lights up as soon as she sees them. “Ah! Hello, hello! I’ve been waiting and thinking of what to offer you. For your son, I will give you 7 goats, 4 chickens, and a cow . Now you can hardly refuse that, can you?”
Andy clears his throat, despite that he can already feeling himself flushing when all the adults turn their attention to him. “Where’s your son? We can hardly decide without knowing who I’d be marrying.”
Derek’s mom laughs, and it sounds almost exactly like him. “Now that’s a brilliant point! My older son has unfortunately since been married, but my younger son is still available, and he’s around here… somewhere…” She looks around for Derek.
There’s a jingling sound to their right, and they all turn right as Derek dramatically clears his throat. Andy has to stuff a fist into his mouth to keep from laughing.
Derek’s lounging against the end of the booth, the leads of three goats, an alpaca, and a sheep all hanging from his hands. He looks like he belongs on a GQ magazine -- but one for animal husbandry?
Derek’s mother’s mouth drops open. “Derek! What are you doing? Are those the petting zoo animals?”
Derek feigns a casual shrug. “I thought maybe they kept rejecting our offers because they weren’t sure if we could follow through. So I brought animals to prove that we can afford the dowry!”
Derek’s mother buries her face in her hands. “Did you empty the petting zoo?”
Before Derek can respond, two of the actors dressed as constables come up, staring baffled at Derek’s hands full of farm animals. “Uh, sir, we’re going to have to… arrest you?” The one looks at the other, who only shrugs.
Derek hands the animal’s leads to the one constable, and then dramatically falls at Andy’s feet. “Wait for me, my love! Don’t leave me for someone else while I wait out my punishment. Also, tell the diver I can’t go to practice.”
Andy can’t help a bit of his laughter bubbling up and escaping. “I’ll try to save you from Riley’s and LaPointe’s wrath. Think of me.”
Andy’s acting is admittedly stiff, but Derek makes up for it with his overdramatics. “I will do nothing but!” he proclaims, and then lets one of the constables haul him up off the ground and lead him to the “jail”, though Andy thinks he sees the guy’s lip twitching.
“Andy,” his mother says, longsuffering, and Andy turns to look, “what was that?”
Andy can’t help his smile. “I told you. Derek from the hockey team.”
His mom groans, his dad is smiling, and Derek’s mom cackles exactly like he does.