Chapter Text
Matthew Casey was tired. Tired of being confused. Tired of avoiding Brett. Tired of feeling like he permanently messed up the one thing he had going in his life.
After he ruined what had started out as one of the best nights he'd ever had, he tried to explain to Sylvie that his feelings for her were real, regardless of Gabby. Her answer that "there is no regardless of Gabby" confused him. He absolutely intended to ask for clarification, but of course the bells went off at that moment and they both had to run off.
That was one week ago, and him and Brett hadn't talked since. Sure, they worked together in harmony on calls the same way they had for years, but that was the extent of their interaction at the moment. He spent most of shift inside his quarters, and she spent a lot more time in the ambo. They both still ate with the whole group, but Brett had taken to sitting with Mackey rather than sitting near him, Stella, and Severide.
Clearly, Stella knew what had happened, otherwise she would surely confront Brett about it. Matt wasn't sure if Sylvie had talked to her about it or if Stella had figured it out based on the way her best friend and roommate were now acting. Either way, Matt was sick of the sympathetic and sad looks she often sent his way. Casey could tell Severide also knew something was up, but he had yet to say anything to Matt about it.
He knew he needed to talk to Sylvie again, but he didn't want to hurt her. The talk in his quarters didn't seem to make anything better. He wasn't quite sure exactly what Sylvie needed to hear or see from him in order to understand how deep his feelings were for her. And if he didn't know, would talking really make it better? Also, he wasn't very good at expressing what he was feeling. That's why he said I don't know in the first place. He knew he wanted Sylvie, but Gabby had always been a complicated subject for him. Sometimes he was absolutely convinced he was over her, and other times he was...confused.
He was afraid he'd make it worse, and knowing he hurt Sylvie was already too much. If he made it worse, he wasn't sure he'd be able to handle seeing her even more miserable because of him.
So he just kept avoiding her, which really wasn't any better. He was miserable too, the same way he could tell Sylvie was struggling. He missed their interactions both on and off shift. He missed the way Brett talked him through things, and the way she made sure he was okay emotionally and physically, the way no one ever had before. She was one of the few people who could get Matt to open up about his feelings, and maybe the only person who constantly validated him and made him feel important.
Most of all, he missed being there for Sylvie. She was so strong, and it surprised him every day. She had been through so much, especially in the last year, and the last thing he'd wanted to do was add more to her plate. She knew when it was best to accept help from others during difficult times, which helped him realize how awful he was at doing that himself. He'd gotten better by following her example, but that often meant asking her for help, since she was one of the few people he trusted and felt comfortable enough around to speak openly to.
So why was he suddenly having such a hard time with all of this? Ever since their fallout it had been hard, but what was it about this particular shift that made it so bad?
Well, he'd gotten a little taste of what it used to be like this morning. Mouch had made a mistake with the ladder, and Casey had nearly fallen to his death.
For a few minutes after his harrowing experience, things between him and Sylvie had been back to normal. She had obvious concern written all over her face, and had wasted no time asking him if he was okay and checking him over.
After he assured her he was fine and she felt satisfied he wasn't hurt, they'd shared a long and intense stare before she shook herself out of it, as if remembering they didn't interact like that anymore. She'd walked away and that was that. They'd gone back to avoiding each other.
But Matt knew now he couldn't do that much longer. He'd gotten a taste today of what used to be, and he realized how desperately he missed it. He had to fix this, somehow. So he headed out to the app floor to find Brett.
As he pushed the app doors open, the fateful bells struck again. He watched as Brett and Mackey jumped out of the back of the ambo and made brief eye contact with Sylvie, but then they both turned and got in their respective rigs.
Gianna was loving working at 51. After an intense and terrifying start, things had calmed down (well, as much as they could in a firehouse), and she'd found a rhythm. Having Brett as PIC had been wonderful. Mackey hadn't had bad PICs at her other house by any means, but Brett still put them to shame. She was just so caring, so understanding, so professional, so smart, so brave, etc. etc. The list didn't really end, is what Mackey had realized. Brett seemed too good to be true, and Mackey just kept waiting for the catch.
Today, Mackey wondered if she'd find one. Brett had been down lately, but she had no idea why. This shift had been no different, until the crazy ladder incident this morning with Captain Casey. But he escaped without even a scratch, so why did Brett seem even more miserable? Brett had mostly been close-lipped with her personal life, but Mackey understood. She respected people's privacy. However, today she decided Brett needed her support more than her respect of privacy. If that meant prying a little bit, then so be it. Something was going on with Casey and Brett.
Mackey walked out to the ambo and found Brett inside, doing inventory. Stepping up into the back of the vehicle, Mackey said, "Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?"
Brett turned with a small smile. "Sure, what's up Mackey?"
Mackey bit her lip and decided to just rip off the band-aid. "Umm...did you and Casey break up or something?"
Bretts eyes widened and she stammered. "Umm... what... we're...we-we were never even together. We're just friends." Her sad face was back.
Genuinely surprised, Mackey said, "Oh. Sorry. It's just...you two spent so much time together when I first got here I just assumed. I didn't want to pry and ask so I didn't. It's your business. But I guess I suck at guessing," she finished, wincing.
Brett sighed. "No, no you don't. Believe me, Stella and my old partner both told me we act like a couple. But the truth is, we're only ever gonna be friends." She looked at her feet.
Mackey mentally kicked herself for being so forward. Brett's eyes were watery and she had no clue how to help. So she stayed quiet. She wondered if she should leave, but then Brett continued.
"Matt has been there for me through a lot of hard things in the last year. And I'm sorry if that's made me seem cold to you. You don't deserve that. I've developed a fear that everyone I get too close to disappears from my life. Mine and Cruz's old roommate, Otis, died in a fire. My last two partners were my best friends, but both of them left, one to Puerto Rico and one to med school. And then my birth mom I'd just barely met died, leaving behind a half sister I can't even visit because of this stupid pandemic."
Tears still swam in Brett's eyes, but she hadn't let them fall. Mackey couldn't believe that one person had had to go through all of that, let alone all in about a year's time. She hadn't even known Brett was adopted. She was even more amazing than Mackey knew. Moving forward hesitantly, Mackey placed a hand on Brett's shoulder.
"I'm so sorry. That's-that's awful. I know nothing I say can make it better, but I want you to know that I understand what it's like to lose someone. I lost my brother a few years ago to cancer."
Now Brett was comforting Mackey. Rubbing her arm and staring at Gianna with so much sympathy in her eyes. They stayed like that for quite a while, until Mackey got the courage to ask her another question.
"So if you don't mind me asking, what happened with Casey? You've seemed pretty down lately, and you two definitely don't talk much anymore."
Brett gave her a sad smile. "Remember our ambo crash? How Ma-Casey was the first to reach us?" I nod. "Well, I learned how he got there so quickly. He jumped out of the firetruck while Kidd was still driving to get there that fast. To get to me. When I heard that, I couldn't hold in my feelings anymore. I acted on them, something I told myself I'd never do, and I kissed him."
Mackey was confused. "Well what's wrong with that? He clearly feels the same way."
Brett let out a bitter chuckle. "I convinced myself of that too, but then I asked him about his ex, and he couldn't tell me he was over her."
Mackey winced. Brett really had been dealt a terrible hand. "That doesn't make sense... he's clearly into you. I've seen it. I mean, he jumped out of a moving fire truck! But wait...did you say you promised you'd never act on your feelings for him? Why?"
"Because of his ex. Her name is Gabby, and she's one of the best friends that left. She was my partner on ambo. It's messy and he's off limits."
Mackey shook her head. "I can understand why that would make things difficult, but you said ex right?"
"Well yeah, they're divorced. But I watched them get married. And to make things worse, I dated Gabby's brother."
Mackey processed this. "Look, Brett, I can see why you would feel this way. Being there for that whole period of Matt's life and then having these feelings--that's hard. But as someone who might see the situation more clearly since I wasn't there for it all, the important thing is that Matt's divorced. No one has claim on him. Obviously if he's not over Gabby he doesn't deserve you, but you did nothing wrong. You can't let other people decide who you date. It's not the same but if I let Joe and his overprotective self win, I'd never go on a date with anyone."
Brett laughed a bit at that, but then furrowed her brow. "So you don't think I'm a terrible partner and friend for kissing Matt? Because I'm pretty sure I am."
Mackey shook her head. "You're definitely not. Before you even really knew me, you told Halleck to point his gun at you, not me. If you do that for people you barely know, I can only imagine all the things you do for your friends."
Brett smiled warmly, but her response was interrupted by the bells, calling truck and ambo out to a house fire. Her and Mackey jumped out of the ambulance. Brett squeezed her partner's shoulder and said, "Thanks Mackey. I really needed that talk. And by the way, you're one of my friends too you know." They both smiled.
With that, they both climbed in the ambo to head to the call. Mackey saw Casey and Brett make eye contact as she climbed in the rig, but then Brett turned and they were off, headed towards the people who called for help.