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This world, the Final World, is all too painfully familiar to her, and all she wants is to leave. But they need to find Sora, they need to save Sora, and here lies the last key to do so. Her fists clenched at her side and her heart hammering in her ears, she follows the Fairy Godmother and Riku through a sea of stars, strong hearts that refuse to give up. She wonders who this mysterious “ She ” is.
They don’t get much of an answer. She is but a star. She knows of Sora, and she wants to help. She talks of a city with skyscrapers, Quadratum, that could be the place Sora went to. She is their only hope. Riku draws his keyblade and a portal in the shape of a red sun appears - the power of waking , a shiver runs down her spine at the words.
“It’s up to you, Riku, to take care of the rest,” the Fairy Godmother says, and Riku nods before stepping toward the portal. Her fingers itch to grab his wrist, to never let go. She can’t lose him too, even if only temporarily. She wants to go, she wants to go so badly .
He turns toward her at the last second, not hearing her footsteps following him. He raises an eyebrow, before extending his hand towards her. “Are you coming?”
She wants to say yes, oh she wants to. She hangs her head low, a fist pressed to her chest. The gaze of the Fairy Godmother is heavy upon her, unbearably so. And these memories, fragments of her past she can’t quite make out... And of Sora, stepping up to protect her, again from the Xehanort of her dream... Even in her dream, she couldn’t beat him. Even in her dream, she was useless and weak.
She sighs, “I want to go with you. But…” A pause. “I know that I can’t. I need to finish training. I need to become stronger. And when I do, I’ll be right there next to you and Sora.”
She forces a smile upon her lips, willing it to be enough to convince her friend. Though she suspects he’s only thinking of saving Sora, right this moment. He has always been kind of single-minded - she has, too. He frowns slightly, looks back toward the portal with impatience and… worry. Then his eyes are back on her.
“Kairi.”
“Go on, don’t make him wait. He needs you.”
“Kairi…” His voice is quiet, a dilemma clearly painted on his face.
The Fairy Godmother steps forward, almost between them. She places a gentle hand on Riku’s shoulder and smiles, motherly. It rubs Kairi the wrong way, the way she acts, though she can’t quite pinpoint why.
“I can allow you one night. Get some rest, you will go tomorrow first thing in the morning.”
Riku’s expression softens while Kairi’s heart freezes in place. “Thank you, I’ll be ready.” And in a flash of light, they are back in Radiant Garden. Alone.
“Let’s go home, shall we?”
Kairi wants to say no. She wants to run. It’s too early in the evening to go back to sleep and yet all she wishes for is a warm blanket on top of her and the night hiding her feelings. But the sun still shines bright in the sky and Riku is looking expectantly at her, his hand once again open for her to hold onto. She takes it and heads for the house they’ve been sharing, she doesn’t utter a word on the way there.
The door closes shut behind them as they step into the hall and discard shoes and coats. She’s starving, she hasn’t eaten anything since she woke up and her stomach is now loudly reminding her. She heads for the kitchen to throw herself a quick meal. She wills herself not to think about her failures and the fact everyone else knows about them. That’s why she’s never asked to go on any trip. That’s why she always stays home.
“Kairi.”
She’s bitter and angry at herself and Riku is standing in the doorway oblivious to her inner turmoil. She doesn’t want to lash out at him, she wants to be left alone. It hurts to see him. She really wants to go with him . She doesn’t want to be alone again .
“I dreamt of Xehanort,” she says, her back turned to Riku. She can’t bring herself to face him. “Or maybe he really was in my dreams, I can’t really tell.”
She puts the plate on the counter a little too loudly, she cringes at the sound. “I couldn’t beat him, and Sora came to save me. Somehow. That’s why you need to go alone. I’m not a master yet, I’ll only slow you down.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“You know it’s true,” she retorts immediately. Her fists clench at her side, she closes her eyes to remain calm. It’s failing miserably. Being with Riku is painful. She needs to be alone. She doesn’t want to, though , not really. She fears the quiet and the loneliness. “I need to finish my training,” she says more calmly. “I will go to the Land of Departure.”
Riku’s quiet, finally. He doesn’t respond, and for a moment she wonders if he just walked away, realized she wasn’t worth his time. She sneaks a glance above her shoulder and catches him deep in thoughts, mindlessly biting his nails. His gaze is lost somewhere between the tiles of the floor and a world far away. She forgets her hunger entirely and promptly walks to him. She closes her fingers around his hand and stops further damage to his thumb. His eyes snap up to her.
“They will be good for you, will you train under Master Aqua?” As if no time had passed.
“Yes. She offered before they went away.” She pries Riku’s fist open and inspects his fingernails, all bitten down, some to the point of drawing blood. She frowns slightly. “I thought you had stopped.”
“I had,” he says quietly, immediately taking his hand back and pushing past her to finish preparing the meal she had just started. “Say hello to everyone for me. I’ll pass through the next time I’m back, I’d like to do some research.”
She watches as he winces when his thumb presses against the knife, the raw skin of his thumb too sensitive yet. Her frown deepens. Riku had never been one to be open with his worries, nor had he the best way to deal with stress. When sparring with Sora didn’t work, or he was bound to a chair for class with no way to escape from his thoughts, he’d instead bite his nails. It was small at first, nothing to worry about, but it had eventually become a habit. He’d bite until he drew blood and his fingertips would be wrapped in bandages more often than not. They had tried a lot of things, even awfully sour nailpolish, with little success. Becoming a keyblade wielder had been good for Riku, it had kept him busy long enough that by the time he was alone with his thoughts, he didn’t have any energy left to mulch over the what ifs. It isn’t the case anymore. His thoughts are the only thing he has, now.
“What got you so worked up?” She says, her voice almost a whisper, as she makes her way next to Riku. She takes a pan out, sets it on the stove and cracks two eggs in it. The sound of the knife momentarily stops before resuming, louder for a few seconds, before it resumed its quiet cutting.
She doesn’t look at Riku, doesn’t press him, but she stays close enough that she can feel the heat radiating from his body.
“We have a lead, there’s nothing to worry about,” he replies after a beat. Tomato juice flies on the cutting board as his fingers tense. He nearly cut himself in the process.
“Clearly. That’s why you haven’t noticed you’re cutting a third tomato. Everything is going so well we are having a feast tonight.”
The knife stops altogether.
She hears the boy inhale loudly next to her, his fingers coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose. The eggs in the pan sizzle, the edge turning golden brown. She turns the heat off.
“Can we not?”
She reaches for a spatula and plates the eggs. “And let you run off with your problems again? Don’t we do that every time?”
“ You are the one running off with your issues every time we start on them.”
“Don’t make it about me.”
“Then don’t start it!” He throws the roughly cut tomato slices on the plates as he turns toward Kairi. “ You ’re the one always running away, I’ve just been trying to give you the space to come to me!”
She crosses her arms, pointing to the plates with the spatula, her frown deepening. “Well, now the eggs are ruined.”
"Are you--" Riku cuts himself short, passing a trembling hand on his face, before he takes a deep breath. Without looking at her, he takes a plate and a fork before turning away and leaving the kitchen. Before she can utter a word of surprise, the door of his bedroom slams shut behind him.
Kairi clenches her teeth and glares daggers into the door she can barely see from the kitchen. How dared he-- If she was really pitiful, she would have stuck her tongue out (and she really wants to) but instead she shoves a whole tomato slice into her mouth and angrily chews.
Well, that is just fantastic .
‘Have a nice evening’, they said. ‘Relax’, they said. What a bunch of liars. They haven’t relaxed in years.
“I should have stayed on the island and graduated like a normal girl. I never wanted any of this bullshit…” She mutters as she repeatedly pokes her egg with her fork. The yolk spreads onto the tomatoes and salad and whatever they had put on the plate before that. She eats without tasting anything. They all got involved because of me, though , she thinks. They must hate me for it and here I am, acting like a child .
A voice in the back of her head reminds her that they are children. She swats the thought away.
She sighs. She should be the bigger person, for once. She knows perfectly well Riku is always the one coming to her -- at least since that whole darkness thing two years ago. She should apologize, she knows .
But everything is hard. Everything is so hard and she can’t seem to see the end of that tunnel they’re in, it’s all dark around her and there’s no escape from her own thoughts nor from her reality because she is the issue, she dreamed about it-- no, she remembered it, it’s all her fault, always has been, always will be--
She should stop that train of thoughts.
She puts the last of the tomato slice in her mouth. There really were too many of those. The taste really overpowered the whole meal. She just wanted a yummy and somewhat healthy meal together for once.
For once .
The tears hit the plate before she realizes it.
She chokes on air as she brings her fingers to her face and feels the unending tears rushing down her cheeks. It’s like the dam is broken, her face is drowning under the overflowing water and it’s leaving nothing but a mess and misery in its wake. She slides down the counter and lays on the ground, face pressed against the cold tiles of the kitchen floor. She’s so…
Lost .
What feels like an hour pass before she gets up. Her cheeks are wet but luckily her eyes aren’t as puffy as they’d be had she not been pressed against a cold surface. Her plate is the only one on the counter, Riku hasn’t come back yet.
She drinks a tall glass of water before inhaling deeply and marching toward the bedroom with determination in her steps. Without giving herself the time to think (she knows she’ll start second-guessing everything if she does), she knocks on the door. Soft but loud enough to be heard, she hears a small ‘come in’.
When she opens the door, the room is engulfed in darkness. The curtains are closed and no light is lit except for Riku’s gummiphone. The boy is laying on his side on the bed, his back turned to her. She can see his thumb constantly swiping back and forth between two pictures. One of them is of their little trio, it’s a picture of a photo they had taken when they were barely nine. They’re playing in Riku’s living-room. The other one is a more recent picture, likely taken after the keyblade graveyard’s fight, of Riku’s parents and their old black cat. They’re posing, smiling at the camera.
She leaves the door open as she comes in, her heart beating loudly at the idea of being so vulnerable in the dark. She steps toward the bed but doesn’t sit.
“Riku, I--” She starts. Her mouth stays agape, words unable to come out. Riku doesn’t turn to look at her but his thumb stops moving. She breathes in, closes her eyes, clenches her fists. She grounds herself as much as she can and starts again.
“Riku. I wanted to-- I haven’t-- I--” She presses her eyes even more shut to the point they start hurting. She can feel the emotions rising in her throat and staying there and forming a ball that stops anything from coming out.
From coming in.
Her eyes water at the corner as she lets out a wheeze of pain. “Riku--”
She hears shuffling in front of her but she doesn’t open her eyes, the fear of seeing judgement or pity overwhelming her senses. She chokes on her next breath as tears once again pool on her eyelashes before cascading over her cheeks. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go .
“Everything is so hard,” she finally says, her voice shaking with every sound. “I just don’t know-- I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know what I should do, I just wish everything could go back to normal.”
She feels pathetic. She is pathetic. She balls her hands and presses them against her eyes in a pathetic attempt to stop the flow of her emotions. The tears keep falling.
“I never asked for any of this... I just want to see my grandma and my friends and my family and for everything to be okay again but I’m here instead and I miss everyone. I miss Sora, I miss grandma, I miss Lea, I miss you . Everyone leaves me behind and I don’t know what to do .”
Gentle but hurried hands immediately find her face. They’re strong and driven, but she knows she can push them away if she needs to. She doesn’t.
“Kairi,” Riku says and his voice is shaking just like hers. “Kairi,” he repeats again, barely a whisper, and his voice breaks. Lips press against her temple, they’re chapped and hurt, lovely still; she hears a sob right next to her ear that isn’t coming from her. Riku’s arms embrace her and pull her against him before she can open her eyes. She immediately latches onto him like her life depends on it (and maybe it does, in this moment), her fingers finding the fabric of his shirt and digging in.
“I miss him too. All of them.” He says after a beat. She can feel something wet against her ears, it slides and doesn’t stop. More and more come with each of Riku’s words. “I don’t--” He doesn’t finish his sentence, but he doesn’t need to.
There’s nothing to say , Kairi thinks. We’ve never had anything to say in this .
She nods against him and hugs him as tightly as is comfortable for both of them until her tears stop.
They eventually navigate around the bed and lay on it, above the cover and pillows thrown around them, before they both fall asleep completely exhausted. The night is silent and still save for the occasional sob or sniffle. They don’t let go of the other until the morning comes and the strong light of the sun pierces through the thin curtains.
They’re groggy and messy when they finally make it out of bed to greet the Fairy Godmother. He holds her hand tightly, never letting go, until the Fairy Godmother encourages him to say his goodbye as she prepares her spell.
Riku turns toward her, his eyes red and slightly puffy. His head is disheveled. With her free hand, she combs it back into place. The touch is soft and tender, full of feelings and words she can’t bring herself to utter without breaking down on the threshold of their home. They are still so raw. They need more time.
There isn’t any left.
He squeezes her fingers a little too tight, as if afraid of letting go. They look into each other's eyes and map every inch of the image in front of them into their mind so as to not forget what they leave behind and what is awaiting them, here and beyond.
She nods. He nods backs. They don’t smile.
A bright column of light splits the sky mere seconds after Riku left for the Final World, and in her heart, deep inside, she feels a piece of herself breaking as she’s left alone again while the two people dearest to her heart will reunite in a world out of her reach. She closes her eyes, her fist pressed to her chest.
She has her mission, her own goals. She promised, she’d find them again on due time and they would all stand together, finally. It’s only a matter of time , she thinks.
Only a matter of time
.