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Sho didn’t know how he got back home that night, but he found himself in his bed the next day, staring at the ceiling of his bedroom, thinking about all the ways he had fucked everything up.
The clock on his bedside table ticked, counting down every second relentlessly. It was already past noon, but Sho couldn’t move—hadn’t been able to move since he had woken up two hours before.
His mind kept replaying the same scene in his head, over and over again, tormenting him more and more each time that he remembered a new sensation from that memory of when he had kissed Aiba.
Yeah. He had kissed Aiba.
He had kissed Aiba.
His best friend in the whole world, the one he had loved for years and never told him. He had kissed him.
And sure, Aiba seemed to be willing to kiss Sho back at first, but Sho knew that it must have just been the fact that he was vulnerable, and he thought he could count on his best friend for support. And instead, Sho had taken advantage of a very emotional Aiba to kiss him. He was the worst.
He groaned and covered his face with his hands.
He thought he had settled this years ago. He had pined after Aiba since they were in high school and through their college years. But then Aiba moved in with his girlfriend, and Sho had decided to move on. He had dated other guys. He had even gotten a steady boyfriend in recent months. And maybe he didn’t love Ueda, but he was nice, and he treasured Sho more than anyone else ever did, so maybe one day Sho would fall in love with him too. One day, maybe he could…
He chuckled bitterly as he finally got up from his bed. What a hypocrite, he thought, walking heavily to the kitchen. He had dated other guys, yes, but he never moved on. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t help but look back. He couldn’t help but wonder what if.
What if Aiba loved him back? What if Sho could save him from his abusive relationship? What if they could be together?
What if, what if, what if…
He opened the liquor cabinet and took out a bottle. He also grabbed a glass that was more or less clean from the counter, sat down at the table, and filled it till more than half of it was full.
He twirled the glass in his hand for a minute or two before drinking it all down in one go. His throat burned and he started coughing, but he didn’t care. His hand clasped the bottle and he filled the glass again. And again. Until he didn’t remember how many glasses he had drunk anymore.
Feeling tired, he rested his head on his arms on the table, helplessly staring at the glass in his hand.
“Are you alright, Sho-san?”
Sho jumped from the scare. He looked up at the source of the noise, and realized that his boyfriend was standing in the door. A second later, Sho noticed the keys he had given him for emergencies dangling from his hand. He must have been too lost in his thoughts, because he didn’t hear him come in.
“What are you doing here?” he slurred.
Wearing a worried expression, Ueda approached the table. “You weren’t replying to my calls or my texts, and I got worried.” He showed him his phone. “We had an appointment, remember?”
Shit. Even in the haze caused by the alcohol, Sho could vaguely recall something like that. As if he needed another reason to feel shitty about himself.
“Sorry. I didn’t hear my alarm,” he lied. “And I have no idea where my phone is.” At least that was the truth.
Ueda nodded, visibly relieved that Sho seemed to be, at least physically, okay.
His eyes dropped to the hand that was still holding the glass, and then went back up to him. “Is there any reason as to why you’re getting drunk on a Tuesday afternoon?”
Sho didn’t say anything. He felt like his guilt would break him at any point now.
“Tatsuya-kun...” he started. He wasn’t nearly sober enough for this. But maybe if he had been sober he wouldn’t have the courage to do what had to be done, so that was good.
Ueda sat down next to him. “What’s wrong?”
Sho looked at his nervous face. Ueda had been nothing but a great boyfriend to Sho. He always cherished him, he filled him with attention and praise. Sho wouldn’t say he had been bad for him, but it had become clear now more than ever that their relationship had never been even from the start.
“We need to talk,” he said.
***
Breaking up with Ueda was the hardest thing he’d ever done, and he wasn’t even sure that it had been the best thing to do, but it was surely the right one. He hoped that he would find someone to be with who would love him like he deserved – the way Ueda loved Sho. And the way Sho loved…
He wobbled back to his bedroom and dropped on the bed. He hadn’t eaten anything, and the alcohol in his empty stomach had made him sleepy and confused. It hadn’t helped that he had started drinking again when Ueda had left. Sho would never forget the heartbroken look on his face when he told him he was in love with someone else.
Feeling his way under the covers, he finally found his phone. He fought to keep his eyes open, and, opening his LINE chat with Aiba, he fumbled with the keyboard to write a message to him.
I’m sorrhb. I’m so sory.
Pkease Masaaki, forgibe me.
I’ll do anthjng.
Pressing the ‘send’ button on his phone, Sho buried his face in his pillow and slipped in a dreamless sleep.