Chapter Text
A life where innocent blood and fear were spilled as an everyday occurrence is not an ideal life a person would like. But it is a life that exists nonetheless as a lesson to learn from.
Xiao has shouldered that burden for years, many years that are unfathomable to the simple mind. The adeptus lives his life carrying the sorrow of those slain by his hands. It was akin to paying tribute of never forgetting the memory of those who deserved to live peaceful lives but were untimely taken away by him. He had no dreams left – only nightmares.
On the outside, today is a day like any ordinary day for the common populace. But for Xiao, it was a day where he opted to mourn the death. He was a man who preferred peace and solitude to allow himself to wander into his thoughts.
Like slicing flesh as warm butter with the precision of a hunter, Xiao never forgot how he slain his victims. While some of them were true foes, others were free from blame. One could say it was not Xiao’s fault to kill the innocent when he served under the god prior to Rex Lapis, but Xiao could not bring himself to accuse them. He bore no hatred towards anyone but himself.
Reflecting on his past grew a massive migraine as his guilt haunted his very core. He could have chosen to decline his former master’s orders and face punishment for not following them. He could have died instead of living as a murderer who killed the weak. But his naivety unknowingly dragged him into a pit of hell and formed him to be the demon he is today. Naivety was supposed to be sweet, not deadly.
In the face of war, is killing the best option? Why did he think killing was a good idea?
Suddenly, the young adeptus felt numb to the world around him. All sounds of birds chirping in the distance became static as he grew nauseous and swayed his body side to side. As he struggled to sit upright, his heart felt immensely heavy as contents within his stomach desired to spill out. Tears loosely fell and clouded his sight while his body uncontrollably shook and shrunk into a ball.
Time kept moving forward, and the world changed much since the archon war. But Xiao was stuck in the world inside himself. The memories kept him reliving the past as if it was the present.
Time meant nothing to the immortal adeptus.
-
When Rex Lapis first met the young adeptus, it brung a strange feeling to Xiao.
It was forgiveness, an occurrence that Xiao did not want but unknowingly needed.
Warm amber eyes that carried years of experience, and ironically, unconditional love reflected in the God of War. It was as though Rex Lapis overlooked all of Xiao’s thorns and harsh exterior to admire his core: the flower that Xiao was. Forgiveness was a sign of love, and the god felt the demon deserved it and asked to be comrades.
In a time of war, Xiao did not believe there was room for kindness amongst piles of bodies and death pungent in the air. Demons were also entities of hell and brought chaos to whoever was in their path. Only something holy could love them. The kindness felt warm, and Xiao instinctively clung onto it as if it was a fundamental essence to survive.
“What do you see in me?” asked the young adeptus.
“I see a spark, a change. I believe in you,” replied the old god.
After remembering the meeting that formed a bond between him and Rex Lapis, Xiao was always left feeling confused. He knew the geo archon was no fool and was extremely keen, even if he was not the best at reading emotions. But choosing to forgive a demon of all things and join forces with it does sound awfully strange with no second thought.
Perhaps Rex Lapis felt pity and wanted to help Xiao be on a path of redemption. The archon believed Xiao to make decisions befitting for himself. The anemo archon also gave Xiao a vision of anemo power to symbolize his upbringing.
Xiao was supposed to change. He was given a new name “Xiao” by Rex Lapis as though the geo archon gave birth to him like a mother conceiving a child.
Xiao was supposed to be born again.
Instead, he felt lost in limbo, roaming the land for multiple centuries. It has been so long that he forgot how to live which made him not realize he was going through death.
-
Rex Lapis, now living as a human named “Zhongli”, worked at a funeral parlor as its consultant. A funeral consultant is a job that befitted him well as it dealt with the dead. Considering the numerous lives the geo archon came across throughout his entire lifetime, he had to pay respects to them in loving memory. Friend or foe, Zhongli always reminisced about the past. In due time, he forgave them all and wanted to make amends for the archon was too old to constantly bear ill feelings.
Xiao was one of the few from his past who were still alive to this day which Zhongli was grateful for. But Zhongli hoped to remain working as a consultant for a while in case the younger adeptus died.
Some of the tasks a funeral consultant does when a death occurs is to plan ahead and provide grief counseling and teachings.
Zhongli was expecting Xiao to die at some point.
-
Xiao’s death happened when he and Zhongli decided to spend a day together as a way to relax. Life in Liyue Harbor bustled again with each netizen living their lives depending on the current times. Some common folk were energetic and had a bright future, while others had to take it slow and contemplate. A good life or not, upon seeing each person from a distance made Xiao remember every individual he encountered in his life. After a long silence of walking together through a quiet neighborhood, Xiao proposed discussing the day he and the geo archon met. It eventually led to Xiao wanting to understand why he was given anemo power.
Being saved by one archon was one thing, but being blessed by another was too much. Xiao did not believe he deserved to be given such wonderful things. He felt it was a debt that he would eternally have to owe, even if the favor was not asked of.
But Xiao truly wanted to return the favor which led to his undying love for the geo archon standing next to him. The younger adeptus viewed Zhongli as someone akin to a mother despite their type of hierarchy. Being given a new name along with a new life was similar to how a human spends their day of birth and childhood with their parent. However, he never openly admitted such a thought due to fear of making the bond between them uncomfortable. Rex Lapis saved his life, and Xiao owed his entire essence to the archon by being a faithful servant.
Being considered his “child” would be unspoken of.
“It’s because you wanted to be free, is it not, Xiao?” said Zhongli.
“Having hands stained of blood deserves no forgiveness. Eternal damnation is the only solution that would satisfy and respect those who died under my hands.” Or so Xiao thought.
Not many are able to decipher Xiao’s emotions as the man was known to keep a constant unreadable stoic expression. However, Zhongli saw small signs of the younger man brooding after years of knowing him. It built worry in Zhongli’s chest as he felt sympathetic for his dear comrade. Both of them were guilty of killing millions of lives, but the fact that Zhongli moved on while Xiao was still grieving was a huge concern.
Xiao was the only yaksha left out of the original five, so there was no one left of his caliber to share his troubles. He was left alone to live the rest of his life full of sins. No one saw how everyone he cared for became full of bloodlust and lost to mania. And no one can comprehend how Xiao looked with puffy red eyes from crying from battles that felt too personal and loved ones suddenly going missing as if they never existed.
No one else understood except the geo archon who watched his dear yaksha perish.
Zhongli understood Xiao as a man who had a heart of gold. Xiao felt he would never be forgiven, so why should he have an anemo vision? He did not deserve to drop his past and carefreely spread his wings to fly as if he never murdered a single soul. Murderers should never be forgiven.
However, an adeptus is an immortal who cannot die by normal means. Xiao was not looking to die physically, for he felt that would be too light of a punishment. He did feel weary from mourning all the time, but if he stopped, it would seem as though he was guilt-free which should not happen.
Zhongli understood that all too well.
As a god of war, Zhongli had to accept killing as both unfortunate and fortunate. Under every circumstance would there be the moral line that should not be crossed over, and Zhongli knew that Xiao did not cross it. Xiao was young and did not understand why he did the things he did until much later in his life. The young adeptus was naive, and in a way, innocent. Xiao was manipulated by his former god before Rex Lapis adopted him under his care. But Xiao cared so much about those he killed – he was such a sweet man, really. And the thought of that made Zhongli fond of him.
The geo archon comforted, “Those who had died have surely forgiven you already. It has been long since their passing, and they cannot hold a grudge forever. Nothing lasts forever.”
“But,” Xiao replied, “it was because of me that the last thing they felt alive was dread. I still remember how their faces looked beyond my mask… how they screamed and how their bodies contorted...” The adeptus trailed off on that last sentence, seeming to drift into the darkness inside his mind. “I don’t deserve to be free. It doesn’t feel right.”
The most Zhongli thought was acceptable at that moment was simply pull Xiao into a warm embrace. Although the funeral consultant was not used to hugging, he tried to give the smaller man the most comfort he could muster.
“Dear Xiao, it is true we cannot undo the mistakes in the past. But you can pay your respects to the dead in another way.”
Dear. His master called him dearly. It made the heart that was supposed to be nonexistent in Xiao’s chest suddenly swell with bittersweet happiness. But what was the geo archon talking about?
“Remember Osial, dear child?” Zhongli reminisced. “Even though he is long gone, the hatred in his soul remained. But he was finally put to rest and decided to move on. We paid respects after visiting Guyun, didn’t we?”
“But what about the many others who died in grief? Not everyone gets to have the same opportunity to be put to rest,” replied Xiao. That was true - not every life meets an end they desired, especially if it abruptly ended in a brutal manner.
“Even though there are souls who leave remnants of their hatred on the lands, there is always room for redemption, dear Xiao.”
In other words, every soul can become pure again if they undergo a painful process akin to hell and want to make wrongs right. That is basically enlightenment at that point. Freedom.
“But of course, only you can decide when you are ready for it,” Zhongli added.
There are times when Xiao felt utterly powerless to stop the thoughts of those he slain. It was normal to shrink under the power of guilt. But Zhongli accepted and forgave him for who he was. The young adeptus was not just simply evil but a creature of dark and light.
“I’m proud of you, Xiao, for allowing the darkness to become your teacher. People usually opt to do anything in order to avoid living with their wrongs. But don’t give in too much into the darkness, or else you’ll give in like the others.”
Zhongli was referring to the other four yakshas. Each yaksha had their own battle to the death versing against the demons inside them. Only one will be the victor, and unfortunately, their inner demons won. Xiao definitely did not want to become like them, and the thought made him realize that solely mourning was going to drive him insane similarly to his fallen comrades.
It is unfortunate how war affects everyone. Even those perceived as the most strong-willed can succumb to the darkest part of their soul.
Although Xiao lived on Teyvat for as long as he can remember, he underwent heaven and hell altogether. Hell was during hard battles and him grieving all these years. And now, heaven was being in Zhongli’s embrace.
Maybe Xiao could accept his old self and mend his mistakes in due time. He truly did feel concern for the misfortunes of others, and he will use them as a guide. If Zhongli was able to forgive who Xiao was, the young adeptus could forgive himself too. Love was reserved for those who earned it, and Xiao felt he would be ready someday to receive it. He could possibly work beside Zhongli at the funeral parlor to understand the rewarding feeling of compassion.
He was thankful to choose this path, and the day for him to awaken from his own nightmare and eat it away felt reachable. The dream-eating yaksha would have to put an end to his desire of chasing the dream he craved the most: satisfaction from who he is. Trying to chase satisfaction is like an endless loop of eternally raising expectations. Once Xiao stops trying to chase satisfaction would he be satisfied and become "free". No more would he lie to himself to become someone he should be rather than is be.
Inhaling the wind has finally felt so fresh.