Archive of Our Own

Everything had always been about control. It was the one thing Jackson craved, the one thing he’d worked so hard for but always felt so incapable of wielding. Everything he’d done was in order to feel in control.

There was nothing he could have done to save his birth parents from leaving this world, and leaving him. He couldn’t stop Scott McCall from dominating his lacrosse field and taking over the team. Hell, he could barely get Derek to give him the bite, and to say that it had not gone well for anyone was an understatement.

Existence as the kanima had only weakened his self-confidence. To be subject to a master… he had never thought of himself as so submissive. Internally, Jackson had struggled every night when first Matt, then Gerard, had ruled his body and mind and claimed him as their own. What little he could remember from those moments had felt conflicted and wrong.

So when his eyes had burned ice blue, when he died and found himself reborn, he had felt whole and true then. He had stretched his arms out like wings and roared as if the kanima were making its way out of his soul. It had felt like something had been fixed, even if just by a bit.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t long after that he collapsed in exhaustion. He felt like a little bitch as Scott and Derek both lifted his arms over their shoulders. “It’s alright, you’re fine now,” Scott had repeated encouragingly. Jackson had never wanted to strangle someone so badly, but the weight of weeks of sleepless nights and stressful days had left him drained. As the two wolves carried him off the field, he had lifted his head to see Lydia, tears streaming down her face, watching him go with a mixture of relief and terror. That didn’t exactly make him feel better.

The next 48 hours were a blur. Like a couple of dumbasses, McCall and Derek brought Jackson back to Derek's dank and shitty abandoned train station hideaway. Jackson had been too weak to argue, and drifted in and out of consciousness. When he was awake, it was only long enough to wonder what the fuck he was doing there.

At one point, he woke up to Scott and Derek arguing back and forth nearby in hushed, urgent tones.

"--family, this is... it's wrong!" came Scott's insistent voice.

"It's been too long," he heard Derek retort. "What is he going to tell everyone? They all saw that body bag."

"How would you feel if you had a chance to see your parents again?"

As Derek growled in response, Jackson closed his eyes again.

Their argument continued until Jackson mumbled "Just let me die." There was a sudden silence at that. "I'll stay here, they don't need to know," he said, slightly louder. “No one has to know.”

“Well, can’t say I disagree with that decision,” came the deadpan voice of Peter Hale. Jackson raised an eyebrow at the once-dead werewolf, who simply sneered back. At this point, Jackson didn’t feel like questioning anything, despite the fact that the last time he’d seen Peter, it was while he had been writhing on the ground covered in flames.

"Jackson, what about your parents?" Scott asked incredulously. "They think you're dead... don't you think they'd be happy to see you?"

“They’d be happier without me. I’ve never done them any good, and I was never really their son.” Jackson sat up and turned to face the three werewolves who were currently trying to decide his future for him. “After what I did, I’m not ever going back.”

Derek and Peter exchanged an unreadable look, while Scott stared at him in disbelief. In the end, Derek sighed and folded his arms. “He’s one of ours now. We’ll take care of him.”

--

Being dead posed a difficulty in living arrangements. In the end, it was decided that as part of Derek’s pack, Jackson would live with Derek. This also meant living with Isaac and an undead Peter; Erica and Boyd went on to their own respective homes when not with the pack.

“No way I’m living in this shithole, I’m not a fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle!” was Jackson’s first reaction. To his relief, Peter agreed, and sensing a majority vote, Isaac eagerly jumped on the bandwagon. Peter and Derek used a portion of their Hale inheritance to purchase a loft apartment converted from an old warehouse in Beacon Hills. Sparsely decorated, with an open floor plan and vaulted ceilings, the apartment gave the wolves a sense of openness in their living space that the train station had sorely lacked.

Jackson received the clean start he’d asked for, although he missed his well-stocked designer closet back home. He ended up borrowing clothes from Derek, Isaac, and even Peter, who was the only one that might occasionally (and inexplicably) have the odd Prada, but was always the most reluctant to let anyone else wear his clothes. Derek’s dresser was usually the first to be scavenged through. The second week of soft long bangs over his eyes and Erica’s constant Justin Bieber jabs also made him extremely thankful when he discovered Derek’s stash of hair wax.

During this time, the healing abilities of Jackson's new werewolf body were counteracting the stress and fatigue his kanima phase had brought on. Although the kanima had incredible healing powers and strength, Jackson the kanima and Jackson the human had been two separate entities living in the same body. One had overpowered and claimed the energy of the other. Jackson the human would never have survived the fallout, but now Jackson the werewolf had taken over. It was only a few days until Jackson felt good enough to stand, to walk, and to run. And it wasn't much longer after that Derek began bringing Jackson into the pack in earnest.

Jackson had had less and less reason to trust Derek up to this point. Derek wanted a pack while Jackson had just wanted power, not to mention Derek had not been terribly helpful after giving Jackson the bite. And although he claimed his intention was making sure Jackson had enough training to survive, he seemed unnecessarily rough about it. Not a day went by that Jackson went by without at least a minor scratch or two from the alpha, guaranteeing a slow heal. Derek told him it was because he mouthed off too much, but didn’t Erica give just as much sass? Of course, voicing that opinion resulted in a snarl and a nip, and Jackson was starting to get used to keeping his mouth shut (unless it was a really really good zinger).

But whether they liked it or not, Jackson and Derek were now bound: reluctant alpha and accidental beta.

Even Derek had to admit that training wasn’t so difficult for Jackson though. What fighting skills Erica, Boyd, and Isaac had learned from Derek had taken Jackson much less time to master; years honing his reflexes and precision in numerous sports had paid off. No, for the most part, the fighting aspect of werewolf training was not a difficult one for Jackson. It was, as always, a matter of control. At first, the only thing he had major trouble with was strength. He just had so much of it now. It was pretty much a given that at least once during each training session, Jackson would forget how much power his muscles were able to generate and the ceiling would end up cracked where he jumped too high, or he would get pulled off his feet throwing a punch, forgetting how much momentum would be generated. Occasionally he’d catch Derek watching him, and hope that at the very least his alpha appreciated his effort the very least. Hopefully he was not just waiting for Jackson to fail.

As time went on, Jackson came to find another factor that hindered his ability to be the best. Sometimes Jackson just couldn’t help it; sometimes he was overcome with a mind numbing feeling that took him over. Sometimes it was an intense anger. Other times, it was a debilitating fear. Anger at having become the kanima, fear that the monster would return. Anger at Derek for having turned him, fear of losing the powers he’d so desperately wanted. Anger at Matt for having taken advantage of him, fear of himself for having allowed it to happen so easily. And each time it happened, Jackson lost himself. It was like part of him was broken, taken by the kanima or destroyed by the wolf.

Usually it happened when he was alone, and he was free to punch a wall or curl up in a corner and forget everything around him. It happened once during pack training though. Jackson was set to spar with Isaac – on this day, they’d been practicing having one hand bound behind their backs, to strengthen the strength and reflexes of their other hand. As Isaac had leapt at Jackson with fangs bared, Matt’s leering face had appeared, licking its lips as if in anticipation of using Jackson for another murder. Jackson’s left hand had immediately connected with Matt’s throat, gripping tightly and slamming the other boy to the ground. His right hand had ripped out of its binding on its own and before he knew it, he was pummeling Matt in the face, over and over and over. It wasn’t until Derek had thrown Jackson aside and set sharp claws to his throat that he had realized what happened.

To his credit Isaac had been understanding, if more than a little annoyed, but Derek had made it a point to keep a wary eye on Jackson from then on.

“You have the power, but you don’t know how to use it,” he had said.

Jackson disagreed vehemently – he could master the werewolf powers. It was his own mind that he couldn’t control.

--

Eventually Derek took to one-on-one sessions training sessions with Jackson. The rest of the pack appreciated the time off, even if they poked a little fun at Jackson for the extracurricular work. As a result, Jackson resented it.

“You’re unstable, you need to learn how to take care of yourself before you can fully be part of the pack,” Derek was saying one afternoon during a solo session. He had just gotten done handing Jackson’s ass to him for the past 20 minutes, and was only now taking off his (and occasionally Jackson’s) leather jacket to rest it on a stump. They were out in the woods behind the Hale house, under a crisp blue sky and a bright sun.

Jackson pulled at the worn grey beater he was wearing and vigorously rubbed his rapidly healing bruised left shoulder. “I’m not fucking unstable, I just sometimes... well, you go off and do stupid shit all the time too!”

“No I don’t,” came the condescending reply. And it was true, Derek rarely lost focus. Nearly everything he did was calculated, almost every action done for the good of the pack.

Anger building up, Jackson set his jaw. “What about making me? That was probably the dumbest fucking thing you’ve ever done.”

Derek rolled his eyes. “Are you saying you didn’t beg me to turn you? That you’re not loving the wolf?” He brought one bushy eyebrow up, as if to emphasize his point.

“I didn’t ask to be a murderer! You didn’t give me the wolf, you gave me the fucking kanima! You didn’t turn me into a monster, you did worse - you turned me into a fucking nightmare!” His voice had crept louder and louder until he was practically screaming the last word. He could feel the heat and the blood swirling in his head now, the anger threatening to take over.

"Stop saying I did this to you!! I didn't know you would turn into a kanima!!" Derek shouted, eyes flaring red.   Jackson could hear the frustration in his voice and the truth in his heart. "Jackson, you were my first turn," Derek continued. "I made a specific choice because I wanted you in my pack. I was... I don't know, I guess becoming an alpha made me reckless, but I wanted you in my pack. I wanted you to be the first one. There's... " and now his voice got softer, losing the annoyed tone and taking on a more contemplative one. Jackson's ears twitched, and he felt his palms get a little sweaty. "I thought you would be a good wolf. I still think this is right for you."

"The fuck does that mean?" Jackson demanded. In spite of himself, he could feel the tension between them diffusing. He had never heard Derek actually admit to wanting to change Jackson for a reason other than one of Jackson’s own.

Derek shrugged in his annoying, nonchalant Derek way. "I mean as a werewolf… Whenever we saw each other... I knew you had the physical potential. And I knew you were kind of power hungry." He paused and cocked his head, expression neutral. "I thought you would be easier to control. I don't know. You wanted it so badly."

Jackson thought - no, he was sure - that there was something Derek was holding back. But he nodded. "I wanted the bite, I wanted it more than anything," he said softly, the words sounding slow and meaningless as he said them. "I didn't want to turn into that... that thing." He looked into his alpha's eyes, furrowing his eyebrows slightly, feeling the anger rising again. "You fucking left me though. When black shit was dripping out of my body, and when you thought I was the kanima but you couldn't prove it was me. You fucking left. And then you killed me." The last sentence came out less accusatory than he’d intended, but then, he realized, that was because it was the truth. There was a pause. As the words hung there, Jackson felt a slight relief that the source of much of their strife was now out in the open. He waited for the response.

Derek nodded, took a step closer and set his hand on Jackson's shoulder. Jackson stiffened slightly, but whether Derek noticed or not, he drew them together in a rough hug.

"I'm sorry Jackson. I know it'll be a long time before you can trust me completely. But I'm trying to be a good... to be a better pack leader. You belong to me now. And I'll take care of you, I will. I won't leave you again. Ever."

What the fuck. There was a time when he would have shoved Derek away, shouted and raged in stubborn protest that those were promises that couldn't be kept. But now, hearing the impossible earnestness in Derek’s voice, he held still and let the anger slowly subside from within Derek’s arms. The warmth from his body transferred easily across the thin cotton they both wore, and Jackson realized it had been a long time before he’d physically connected with another person without the intent to fight. Maybe this was what he needed. Derek had always told the pack they needed an anchor to focus on in order to control their werewolf abilities, and for Derek that was anger. Maybe the anchor Jackson needed to control his anger was this, whatever it was. The thought was fleeting but it was there, and it made him wonder.

--

“Visitor for you, Whittemore.”

Jackson nearly jumped off the couch when he heard Isaac call him from the front door; he’d assumed the knock was Erica and Boyd. Stuffing the last bit of his peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his mouth then wiping his hands on the worn, soft cotton pajama pants he’d borrowed from Derek, he got up and walked to the door, expecting McCall and Stilinski. Isaac’s raised eyebrows and goofy grin as they passed each other tipped him off to something more interesting… and instead, Lydia was standing in the doorway with a classic perturbed expression. Her long hair was perfect as always, bangs pushed out of her eyes with a teal headband. Her left Oxford-clad toe was twisting against the concrete hallway floor inpatiently.

Jackson hadn’t seen Lydia since the night he had transformed from kanima to werewolf. He swallowed nervously, not sure of what to expect.

“Well?” she said, with a cock of her head.

“What?”

“Seriously? You don’t talk to me in weeks, even though I’m basically the one who saved you from being a murdering lizard freakshow instead of just a normal werewolf freakshow like everyone else, and the first thing you say to me is ‘what’?” Lydia rolled her eyes and lightly pushed him aside with a finely manicured hand against his chest, entering through the doorway. “You didn’t think you could at least tell me you were alright? I heard from Stiles that you were staying with Derek, but I waited and waited for you to tell me yourself.” She looked around the loft curiously. “Well this is different.”

Jackson felt a pang of guilt, knowing Lydia was right... Lydia was always right. “Things have been weird. I’m still getting used to everything,” he replied with a defensive tone.

Lydia threw up her hands with an exaggerated motion. “I know, I know. But we’ve been through a lot together. I was worried.”

Jackson looked down and to the side. “Sorry I didn’t go see you. Sorry for… for everything.” His chest constricted slightly with pangs of guilt. He’d spent so much time during the past year breaking up with Lydia, only to have her be the one thing that pulled him back from being the kanima. He didn’t want to hurt her again, even if seeing her in the hallway of the loft seemed wrong. She was like a relic from the past, making its appearance in his new life. He squeezed his eyes shut briefly, then turned around to look Lydia in her bright green eyes. “Did you miss me?” he asked softly. He took her hand and slowly brought the redhead closer to him, ignoring the startled expression that came across her face. “Is that why you came over…?”

“Ew, Jackson, no!” Lydia exclaimed, yanking her hand out of his. “I did not teach you to react this way!”

Now it was his turn to be surprised. “Isn’t this what you came for?”

Lydia made a dramatic sigh and rolled her eyes. “Oh my god, are you kidding me right now? Jackson, in all those weeks you didn’t come? I had time to think.” She put her hands on her hips now. Jackson could see the annoyance on her face, but her demeanor was not truly angry. “You were a dick to me this past year. Like seriously, you were an asshole. I know you and the kanima were like, two different things basically, so I know it was you being the asshole.”

Jackson could feel his face starting to burn. He couldn’t say anything to refute her, though.

“I didn’t deserve to be treated like that, and if you really loved me you wouldn’t have spent the past year pushing me away. So no, I’m not here for that.”

It made him feel incredibly guilty when he realized that he was relieved to hear Lydia say that. Chastened, Jackson shoved his hands inside the waistband of his pocket-less pants and looked down. Lydia reached out and lightly touched his tense arm. She laughed. “I mean, I did miss you. As a friend. Because we have been through a lot, and I think we’ll always be a part of each other’s lives. But I just came here to see how you were doing.”

Head still angled downwards, Jackson looked up with his eyes and grinned sheepishly. “I was a pretty big dick to you, wasn’t I.” It was a statement, not a question.

Lydia laughed again but brushed off the obvious. “So, is everything..? Okay…?”

Jackson nodded. “Yeah, being a werewolf.. it’s.. it’s good. I’m learning a lot from Derek.” He raised his voice a bit to say “the rest of the pack’s a pain in the ass”, and looking over his shoulder was rewarded to see Isaac throw up a middle finger from the couch in the center of the room. He laughed and turned back to Lydia, now stifling a grin. “Um, yeah, I’m settling in. It’s all pretty different but… I kinda like it.”

Lydia looked between him and the finger flipping couch and smiled, tilting her head slightly. “Don’t be a stranger anymore, kay?” She tugged on the front of Jackson’s worn grey beater, also borrowed from Derek. “Allison, Scott, Stiles, and I are always hanging out. You should come see us.”

“I can’t go to school, I’m dead, remember?”

Another eye roll. “It’s summer, Jackson, remember?”

Jackson frowned. It seemed like more time than that had past, but in reality it had only been a few weeks – less than a month.

“Don’t forget Danny too. I’m sure he’d like to see you. And you were kind of a dick to him too.”

“Well Danny really thinks I’m dead, whether it’s summer or not.”

“This is Beacon Hills, Jackson.” Lydia paused as she exited the door way, pursing her lips slightly as she took one last look before heading down the hall. “Stranger things have happened.”

--

Jackson usually slept pretty soundly after a long day of training, but on this particular night, a loud BANG woke him with a jump. As he wiped the thin trail of drool from his lips, his keen hearing picked up on the sounds of Peter and Derek talking in the kitchen. Knowing that if he moved, the two seasoned werewolves would realize he was awake, he closed his eyes and focused all his senses to his hearing.

“--telling you, you’ll want someone when they come. It will help the pack to have a second in command. It gives a pack strength, having two leaders.”

“You’re practically second in command already.”

“It’s not the same, Derek. And as much as I love my cute little nephew, I am not going to be your mate.”

Jackson’s eyes opened as the alternating sounds of growling and chuckling emerged. A mate? For Derek? His heart started to beat a little faster and his face felt a little redder. He shut his eyes tightly now, straining to hear more.

“I’m just not ready for that.” Derek’s voice was clearly uncomfortable.

“Not ready? Derek, you’ve already made 4 of your own. You could pick from any one of them. Erica, for instance, although she is a little … unpredictable.”

Derek snorted. “She’s too predictable, actually. I know exactly what buttons she likes to push, and I wouldn’t want a lifetime of that.”

“Well, one of the fellas then, if they’re willing. I know that’s not a problem for you. You have chosen a pack of pretty faces, after all. Which is your favorite?”

Not a problem? … Which is his favorite? There was a silence now that, while just a few seconds, seemed to last an eternity. Jackson held his breath, willing them to keep talking. “I’m going to bed.” Was Derek’s disappointing response.

“Think about it.”

Sounds of shuffling chairs and footsteps ushered the way back into silence. Jackson let out a long breath and felt that his face was still hot as he thought about what he had just learned from the brief eavesdropping session. As he lay in bed, Jackson adjusted himself and found that he was getting hard. That ended up being the first night he masturbated while thinking of Derek.

---

The next day Jackson had a difficult time keeping Derek out of his thoughts. It was a “day off”, something Derek allowed in order to encourage Boyd and Erica to keep in touch with their parents, and give everyone else some downtime. Jackson and Isaac knew the other pair just used these days to spend time with each other, but didn’t see a problem with keeping that from the Hales.

It gave Jackson some time to think about last night. So werewolves could have mates, and it sounded like transitively their mates ended up second in command of the pack. That sounded like a lot of power, which to Jackson was fairly appealing. The rest of the pack couldn’t tease him anymore; they would have to recognize him as a superior wolf and finally respect him.

But Derek’s mate? Jackson had experimented before – when you’re everybody’s type, it provides a lot of opportunities – but this sounded like way more commitment than some fun flings. He knew he could enjoy a man’s body, but had so far only sustained longer relationships with women… specifically Lydia. He’d never really thought about Derek (or Isaac.. Boyd.. McCall...) in that way… but Derek Hale was not unattractive. Jackson had to admit that Derek was built like a thoroughbred, with a smoldering, intense, and handsome face to complete the standard werewolf appearance. And he knew how much comfort the older wolf could provide. Thinking back, he craved the warmth of Derek’s body at least once more. Anyone would be lucky to have protective and doting Derek as a mate. And with the right persuasion, he could surely have the alpha catering to his whims. They had had their differences, though, clearly. Could a relationship between them actually work?

The more Jackson thought about Derek, the more intrigued he became. He couldn’t stop thinking about Derek. During breakfast, during training, during afternoon runs through the forest, during lazy nights in front of the fireplace. Every time he caught himself staring at Derek (Derek’s eyes, Derek’s lips, Derek’s hands, Derek’s chest…) he would think back to the conversation he’d overheard. It wasn’t much longer before he began fantasizing about the other wolf. He played out scenarios in his head – how exactly do you approach your alpha and tell him you’ll be his mate? That you want to mate? Jackson was a cocky son of a bitch, but he wasn’t sure he was that confident. Not when it came to Derek.

So he tossed it up to good luck the night that the pack and everyone in the loft, including homebody uncle Peter, miraculously had something to do elsewhere, leaving him and Derek the only ones there.

Jackson had been lounging on the couch in Derek’s pajama pants, eating a sweet honey crisp apple and reading Watership Down. Although he’d never been one to read for assignment, he had found that Derek had a sizeable library in the loft. Jackson figured that being a werewolf out of school and without a job provided a large amount of free time, and had started weeding his way through the stacks of pre-loved, dog-eared volumes.

“Where is everyone?” came Derek’s voice from behind him. Jackson quickly turned around to see Derek entering the common space. A towel was wrapped around his waist and his hair was wet. He narrowed his eyes when he got close enough to the couch. “Are those my pants?”

Jackson swallowed the sugary bit of apple in his mouth. “Finders keepers, man.” He grinned when Derek cracked a smile. It made him feel at ease to see his alpha happy, though he wondered how much of that was the beta inside him, and how much was the fact that it was Derek, not the alpha, smiling. “Erica, Boyd, and Isaac wanted to go get pizza then go to a club downtown. Peter said he needed a night out or something.. it kind of sounded like he was going gambling?”

Derek cocked his head. “Peter doesn’t gamble… with money, at least. He probably just meant he wanted to go out hunting or something.” He scratched at his chest, causing Jackson’s eyes to drift down and linger just slightly too long. “Is that mine too?” jumped Jackson out of his trance.

“Guess so. Found it in the closet.”

Derek nodded and took a seat at the end of the couch where Jackson’s feet had been resting. Jackson shifted slightly, highly aware that all Derek had on was a towel, and he was sitting with spread legs. Derek always made a point of stocking the apartment with neutral scented soap to avoid pungent smells that could irritate the sensitive werewolf olfactory senses. So close though, and so fresh from the shower, Jackson found the clean scent of spring rain emanating from his alpha’s body overwhelming and intoxicating. He hastily lowered the book so that it hovered over his lap. “So uh..” Derek looked at Jackson with a slightly quizzical expression. “Do you want pizza or something? Or I can cook us up something? I’m kinda hungry.”

Jackson smirked. “You, cook? There’s like, barely anything in the fridge. Unless you know of something you can make out of baking soda and milk?” Derek huffed softly and shrugged in response, causing beads of water fell from his damp hair and slid smoothly down his shoulder. Jackson automatically folded the top right corner of the page he had been reading before reaching over to wipe the droplet off. His hand lingered slightly too long, causing Derek to look up. Their eyes met, and Jackson felt blood rush to his face. “Man don’t you know how to use a towel?” he started to say, realizing that his voice had suddenly dropped an octave, becoming huskier than usual. Hand starting to slightly tremble, he reached up further to lightly brush the side of Derek’s face. “You’re getting the couch all wet…”

Derek narrowed his eyes slightly, still staring into Jackson’s and holding him captive. “Why are you so nervous all of a sudden? Your heart started beating faster. What’s wrong?”

I don’t know what’s wrong you asshole, Jackson thought, I just want to pin you down and fuck you right now. “Nothing,” he said, licking his lips. Then he lunged forward and kissed Derek, dropping his book to the floor and using his already outstretched hand to clutch the back of Derek’s neck and pull him closer.

As expected, he felt Derek’s body tense up and jerk slightly in surprise. But after a moment Derek relaxed, and his mouth opened to introduce his tongue to Jackson’s lips, then Jackson’s tongue. It was warm and wet, and when they parted, both Jackson and Derek looked slightly confused.

Derek made the first move and repositioned his arms around Jackson. Reacting instinctively to the warmth and comforting feeling, Jackson wiggled closer, leaning against Derek’s bare chest. “Well, I wasn’t expecting that,” Derek said in a slightly amused tone.

Jackson tilted his head slightly, looking up into Derek’s green eyes, lips slightly pursed. “I’m not sure I was either.” In that moment, the confidence he had a moment ago stumbled. He swallowed, while at the same time leaning further into Derek’s chest. “Is it okay? Can I… Should I…?”

Derek’s eyes gleamed scarlet as he leaned forward and gave Jackson another kiss, reckless and impassioned – so much so that Jackson thought he felt Derek’s fangs start to come out with the tip of his tongue, and claws begin to prick into his skin. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you.”

Later, one by one, the rest of the pack would come home for the night and find the acrid scents of sweat and desperation wafting throughout the living space of the loft. The trail, a co-mingling of Derek’s authoritative musk and Jackson’s more tenuous aroma, ended at Derek’s firmly shut door. Isaac rolled his eyes, more annoyed by the inconsideration of his roommates than anything else. Boyd and Erica stared at each other in shocked disbelief. And Peter simply laughed, knowingly.

--

“Soooo are you guys fucking now?”

Jackson bristled at Erica’s snarky half-joking-but-not-really tone. He and Derek had just arrived in the clearing of the woods behind the Hale house where the pack met intermittently to train. Erica, Boyd, and Isaac were already there, ready and waiting.

When Derek didn’t respond immediately, Jackson took it upon himself to do so. “Pretty damn bold accusation, Reyes. What do you think?”

“Uhhh that you guys are fucking.”

“We aren’t.”

Erica cocked her had to the side, brows furrowed. Boyd and Isaac exchanged similar expressions. Jackson knew they were all listening to his heartbeat, but he had kept it at a steady pace. After all, a blowjob and a reciprocal handy didn’t count as full on fucking, right?

“You’re wearing Derek’s clothes.”

“I’m always wearing Derek’s clothes, genius! I didn’t come with a fucking closet when I moved in!”

Erica rolled her eyes. “Yeah, but this time they smell like both you and him. And we could smell the two of you all over the apartment, hormones and all.”

“You could have at least kept it off the couch, we all use that,” Isaac quipped.

“That doesn’t mean shit—“

“Jackson, there’s no point in hiding it. They can smell it and they can hear if you’re lying. Now, if you want to pretend it never happened then that’s another issue, but I don’t care if they know.” Derek’s voice was blunt as ever, though also incredibly annoyed.

Jackson winced, slightly surprised at Derek’s reaction and now fairly embarrassed at his own. “No, I didn’t mean.. um.”

…Which elicited a snort and a shake of the head from Erica. “Look, I just want to make sure Jackson doesn’t get any special treatment now. I mean, he’s the newest one in the pack, and now you’re fucking!”

“I’m not going to promise that,” Derek snapped. Erica’s eyes went wide at the response she had clearly not anticipated. “I’ll admit, I don’t know where Jackson and I are going with this.” Jackson flinched again at the remark, but Derek didn’t give any acknowledgement and continued roughly.   “I’m not going to push him any less in training, and I’m not going to let him slide by on the pack rules. But I’m not going to say I won’t ever treat him differently. It would be abnormal for me to say I won’t. I don’t care if you guys know,” he shot what seemed like a venomous look at Jackson, “and I don’t want to hear any shit from any of you about it.”

Erica shrugged and nodded with a slight pout. The pack, including Jackson, seemed sufficiently cowed. The alpha had spoken, and there was no further discussion to be had.

As training began and Jackson crossed the clearing to pair up with Isaac, Erica checked him with her shoulder. “For as long as we’ve been a pack, Derek’s never been with anyone,” she growled. “I don’t care if you both agreed to a one night stand. But if you’re going to make this a long term thing, you’d better not hurt him. Or you know we’ll hurt you.”

Now struck with the realization that Erica’s needling had been out of protective concern for Derek rather than disdain for Jackson, he felt even more regret for the way he had reacted. Jackson returned her glare evenly, keeping as calm as he could despite the bubbling unease in his gut. “I don’t plan on it.”

He turned and stalked over to Isaac, who was waiting patiently with his arms folded and the sun glinting off his sandy blonde hair. Isaac smirked before saying “Really, I don’t care what you guys do… just keep in mind that there are like, 2 other people who live in that apartment. Keep it sanitary.”

Jackson snorted, his eyes flashing sapphire blue. He was going to wipe that cocky little smile off the beta’s face. “Put your claws up, Lahey.”

---

As uncomfortable as he had been during the confrontation prior to the day’s training session, the one that happened afterward was much worse. Jackson found himself cornered in Derek’s bedroom, where the other werewolf had led him as soon as they had returned home.

“What the fuck was that?” Derek hissed, putting his hands on the wall behind Jackson’s head, bringing their faces close. This wasn’t the usual intimidating Derek he was used to; real, fiery anger radiated outward.

Jackson flinched solidly, but his instincts refused to let himself be backed into a corner and he shoved the scarlet-eyed alpha back with his forearm. “What are you talking about?”

“Will you stop playing dumb? What is it with you and lying? You do it so damn convincingly too.” Derek ran his hand, flecks of dried blood stuck to it from practice, through his stiff hair and sighed. “I mean, what happened last night. I thought it was what you wanted. But then you tried to tell the rest of the pack nothing happened?”

“Dude, stop freaking out, it’s not like we’re dating!” Jackson quickly retorted, instantly regretting the words. Hearing the anger in the alpha’s voice made him defensive, but he also wasn’t sure why he had said those things to the pack, or why he was saying them now. Why couldn’t he have stopped himself? Stopped and thought of what Derek wanted, how Derek would feel?

“That’s not the point.”

“I… yeah, I know. I guess… I guess I just didn’t want them to know.”

“There’s no way they wouldn’t know, Jackson. We’re werewolves. We can smell fear and hear lies, even if you can lie ridiculously well.” Derek’s eyes narrowed. “But you clearly didn’t think that far ahead. What were you hoping for then? A one night stand with the alpha? Or maybe you were hoping for special treatment, you slimy little—“

“Fuck you!” Jackson shoved Derek away with both his hands and all of his werewolf strength. Of course, that didn’t mean much to Derek, but it was enough to surprise him and take another step back. “That’s not it,” he protested, feeling helplessly that in the beginning, that had been exactly ‘it’. He knew he had to tell the truth, especially to Derek. “I mean, okay, that’s kind of what I thought” Derek growled, making Jackson shiver slightly “but only at first.” He took a deep breath, trying to collect his thoughts.

Derek placed his hand on Jackson’s chest, slightly on his left. “No more lies,” he growled.

Jackson took a deep breath and nodded. He couldn’t remember if he’d ever seen Derek so angry, and a part of him wanted to say anything he could to please him and make him happy again. But he knew he had to be honest.  “I heard you and Peter talking about, um, mates… I thought maybe I could… I don’t know. But yeah, I mean, I guess I thought maybe something good would come of it if I could be your mate. But I don’t care about that now, at all.” He kept his gaze steady in to the swirling green pools that were threatening to shift scarlet. “I just want to be with you. I didn’t want the others to know because it makes me feel weak to want you so much. But I do. I want you. And I’m kind of scared now because I don’t think you want me.” He held his breath and waited for the reaction in silence. He hadn’t realized it before, but hearing the words tumble out of his mouth made him sure of his feelings.

Derek had closed his eyes listening to the confession. When he opened them again, Jackson could see that they were calm, although his eyebrows angled up in concern. “I guess we’ve been moving a little fast. We probably wouldn’t even be having this conversation if not for this morning. You… heard me and Peter?”

Jackson nodded. “You guys weren’t exactly quiet, even if it was in the middle of the night. I wouldn’t be surprised if Isaac heard too.” He hadn’t given it much thought before, but he realized if he had woken up and tuned in, there was no reason to think Isaac hadn’t as well.

“Okay. Well, the whole mate thing… that’s a whole different ballgame. And that’s not what this is.” Jackson felt his chest constrict slightly as Derek continued. “I don’t know what this is.” He took Jackson’s hand into his own, but kept his gaze fixed into his eyes. “But I don’t want it to stop. But I need to know that you’re serious too.” Jackson nodded vigorously at this, but Derek kept going. “I think there’s a part of me that’s wanted to… to hold you ever since we first met and I…” Derek winced slightly “well I even claimed you that time I scratched you…”

Jackson couldn’t help but retort “Scratch? You left your fucking nails in my neck!”

“I know, I know. I was sick, otherwise I never would have done that… claiming you as mine…” now it was the older wolf’s turn to look guilty, and Jackson found it a little funny and a little endearing, despite himself. He remembered feeling near the brink of insanity when he’d been ‘claimed,’ and any other time probably would have lashed out knowing what it meant. “I wouldn’t have done it except I was so sick I couldn’t stop myself. There’s lots of… Anyway. Ugh.” He shook his head as if mentally rebooting. “Do you want to keep giving this a shot? For real, not just a one-time deal.”

Jackson had already figured Derek was not the type to fool around, so to speak, but he hadn’t expected a conversation like this for at least a few more days, or even weeks. He gave a lopsided grin at the words while internally breathing a sigh of relief. “Yeah, let’s see where this goes.”

---

Matthew Lahey

Jackson flinched as a voice dimly registered around him.

Tim Bennett

The voice was louder now, almost to the point of hurting his ears, and Jackson knew he recognized it.

Tucker Cornish

It reverberated throughout his skull, bringing Jackson to his knees. Stop! He wanted to yell, but his tongue was wrong and the words could not form.

Sean Long

He began to claw at his face, his ears, anything to get the voice to stop or at least so that he couldn’t hear it anymore. He clawed, not with the tools of a wolf but with the thin razor digits of…

Jessica Bartlett

He stared in disbelief at the backs of his hands and his arms, covered in a slick, dull green and black patterned skin. In his peripheral vision he saw something moving and felt that it was a part of him. His whole body trembled and he shook his head slowly. No…

Kara Simmons

He violently began scratching at his skin, ripping through the top layer and peeling it back like an orange. This wasn’t right, this wasn’t him, he was not this thing and he needed to get rid of it…

And suddenly, Matt appeared, as if stepping out of the shadows. Pale as porcelain and soaking wet, the darkness seemed to stick to him like a thick, viscous tar. With his weasel face fixed on Jackson’s, Matt grabbed Jackson’s shoulders like a vice and violently began shaking him. Matt’s thin lips began to form a grimace, a scowl.

No, Jackson tried to sob.

Jackson Whittemore

Jackson let out a guttural scream as he continued clawing at himself, now with a more desperate intent. His kanima tail whipped furiously through the air.

Jackson

He began clawing at his face now, so smooth and transformed, so utterly tainted. He needed to destroy it.

Jackson

The pain felt good, it felt like release. If only he could strip it all away…

“Jackson!!” Suddenly Derek’s voice cut through his madness and he woke, shivering and covered in a thick layer of sweat. As his eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, he realized Derek was staring at him, face full of concern and panic. Derek was gripping Jackson’s arms tightly, and now he lifted his hand to cup Jackson’s trembling face. “Are you okay?! What’s wrong?!”

Jackson gaped like a fish, mouth open but unable to respond, eyes wide and blurry. Despite Derek’s persistent line of questioning, he shook his head vigorously, trying to indicate that he couldn’t speak yet. Jackson tilted his head back slightly and shut his eyes tightly, breathing heavily in and out of his mouth faster than it seemed safe. His chest felt like he had just been tackled at lacrosse practice, and now the sweat that coated his skin made him feel like he had suddenly been thrust into a meat locker. Just when he felt he would pass out, warmth enveloped him. He felt the radiation of comfort immediately, and almost as if on command his body began to relax on its own. When he opened his eyes and realized he could breathe again, Derek was hugging him fiercely.

“It’s okay,” Jackson gulped. His breathing had slowed and the pounding at his temple was disappearing. “Derek, I’m fine, it’s okay.”

“You were clawing at yourself in your sleep, Jackson. It didn’t look okay,” Derek hissed, still clutching Jackson protectively. “What happened?”   Gradually he loosened his grip, enough to nuzzle Jackson’s neck and lightly place a kiss behind his ear. “Your claws even came out at one point.”

Jackson closed his eyes again and now reciprocated Derek’s embrace. “How often do you have nightmares like this?” he heard Derek ask. This wasn’t the first time Jackson had spent the night in Derek’s room, but he realized now that he had not been here often enough for Derek to experience what seemed to be a weekly occurrence.

“Pretty often.”

“What do you dream of?”

Jackson looked Derek in the eyes, keeping his voice calm and emotionless. “I dream of the people I murdered. I dream of trying to kill myself, because I’m a murderer.”

“Jackson, the kanima did those murders, and on Matt’s orders, too. Not you.”

“How can you say that!? A lot of innocent people are dead because I killed them. I was the kanima, even if I’m not now. I was the one that killed those people!” Jackson’s voice had reached a higher, louder pitch now and he realized if Peter or Isaac weren’t awake before, they probably were now.

Derek placed his hand on the back of the other wolf’s neck and brought his forehead to Jackson’s. “Take a deep breath,” he said. Jackson closed his eyes and complied, still rattled. “I know what it’s like to take an innocent life. Innocent lives.” Jackson scrunched his eyes shut even tighter, processing the words. He was sure Derek had killed before, hell isn’t that what werewolves just do? But Derek had never really talked about it. “There’s nothing you can do to change what’s done. All you can do is try and make sure it never happens again. You need to forgive yourself and move past it.”

Jackson sighed, and moved his head slightly so that it now rested on Derek’s shoulder. “I don’t know that I can ever forgive myself. The nightmares are so real… it’s like they’re a reminder. I can’t let myself forget it.”

“I had no idea it was this bad for you,” Derek muttered, kissing behind Jackson’s ears again. “But I promise it will get better. I’ll be here for you, and I’ll do everything I can to help you get better.”

Jackson held his breath, then started laughing. He had felt Derek’s sincerity, and now felt him stiffen at the reaction. He couldn’t help it though, and when he tried to stop, he just erupted into giggles. “You’re so goddamn cheesy, man. You’re like something out of a shitty movie!” He felt Derek’s body relax and heard an indignant, if playful, growl. He tried not to look at Derek’s face, lest his alpha see the persistent tears welling up in his eyes. “But thanks.”

Later on that night, with Derek’s warm breath steadily puffing against the back of his neck and strong, confident arms surrounding him, Jackson fell into a dreamless sleep.

…

“It’s time we showed you something.”

Derek and Peter stood side by side, arms folded. The rest of the pack was lined up across from them; Boyd, Erica resting her elbow on his shoulder, Jackson, and Isaac. They were all standing just outside the woods behind the Hale family house. It had been a long time since he’d actually been in the vicinity of the house, and Jackson shifted in place uncomfortably. The ground surrounding the backyard was still scorched, and the grass was only just beginning to creep its way out of the woods and around the lawn of the abandoned structure. He knew this place held ghosts. “Come this way,” said Derek, turning to walk along the side and towards the front of the house.

When they reached the front, the pack collectively and abruptly came to a standstill. “What… what is that?” came Erica’s incredulous voice. She broke out of the group and walked up to the door, lifting her hand as if to touch the vandalized wood but just stopping short. She turned her head slightly towards the others. “It reeks… like a threat.”

On the shabby front door, in rough, sloppy black paint, was a strange triangular symbol. Much too angular to represent the triskelion that adorned Derek’s back, this new symbol seemed harsh. It only took one glance at Derek and Peter’s faces for Jackson to know that this was not a good thing.

“It is a threat.” Now Peter walked up the stairs, to stand beside Erica and face the pack. “It’s a mark of an alpha pack. The alpha pack, to be exact. Putting it here, the former home of the newest alpha in town… they’re sending a message.”

Derek nodded. “This pack is made up of all alphas, no betas, no omegas. They’re dangerous, and our pack needs to be ready when they reveal themselves.”

“Is that why you’ve been pushing us so hard lately?” asked Boyd. Without waiting for an answer, he pressed on. “What do they want?”

Derek let out a low growl as his eyes began to glow scarlet, and Jackson felt a chill run through his body like electricity.

From then on, “the alpha pack is coming” became the daily mantra.

Training became harder than ever, but the pack also began to cement their bond under the new duress and need for mutual vigilance. It was also during this time that the rest of the pack began to take notice of Jackson’s periodic episodes, although they were becoming much less frequent.

When the anger got out of control and Jackson couldn’t put away his claws, Boyd took it upon himself to help Derek restrain and calm the wolf. Wrangling sessions always ended with a comforting pat on the back. Isaac started bringing him a mug of warm milk before bed. “Always helps me sleep,” he would sheepishly say before retreating to his own room. Even Erica was less snappy, although no less sassy. Jackson began to feel less like an intruder and more like part of the pack.

…

It happened on a warm summer evening, with the windows in Derek’s room slightly open to let in the sound of summer crickets and the occasional rumble of cars driving by. Jackson was lying on his stomach on top of the bed sheets, flipping through a magazine on motorcycles. The temperature in and outside that night made it perfectly comfortable for him to wear nothing but a pair of thin, soft cotton boxers won from Derek’s dresser. Derek sat at the chair in front of his desk, intently reading what looked like a fairly old leather tome. New and old pages turning had been the only sounds crinkling through a comfortable silence.

“Do you know what a mate means to werewolves?”

Jackson’s eyes shot up, but Derek wasn’t even looking at him. He had been and still was staring at the open book on the desk. Slightly annoyed yet intrigued, Jackson searched his memory back to the night he’d first heard Derek and Peter discussing the subject. “It’s like a partner thing, right? If you’ve got a mate, they’re your second in command.”

“That’s all you think it means?”

Jackson’s eyebrows furrowed, and the other wolf’s tone made him suddenly defensive. “I guess? And you… mate?”

The hard leather cover snapped shut, and Derek finally swiveled around in his desk chair to face Jackson. Legs spread wide apart, Derek now hunched over to rest his forearms on his thighs, hands clasped. “Pretty romantic notion.”

Jackson rolled his eyes at the sarcastic tone. “Are you going to tell me or what, Romeo?”

“A mate,” Derek began, emphasizing the word in question, “is a lifelong bond between two wolves. We can have many lovers, but we’ll only have one mate in our lifetime. Your mate is the wolf you share your life with. Yeah, an alpha’s mate would help lead their pack, but that’s not all. Your mate is the wolf you trust with everything. The wolf you want to grow old and have cubs with, provided a hunter doesn’t get to one of you first. And if they do, it’s the one you do everything in your power to avenge. Your mate is your life.”

Jackson rolled over to his side on the firm bed, propped himself up by his elbow and cocked his head to the side. “Sorry man, I don’t think I can have pups.”

“I don’t care,” came the soft reply. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Jackson went still. He said nothing as Derek moved from his perch on the office chair to the front of the bed, getting down on his knees and resting his forearms on the bed, just shy of Jackson’s chest. The swirling orange and green eyes that looked up at him made Jackson’s heart beat that much faster, gave him an uneasy feeling in his stomach. He could smell the sincerity wafting off Derek’s skin, like vanilla and toasted almonds. Because apparently that’s what sincerity smelled like?

“Uh … are you proposing to me?”

Derek’s brows furrowed, as they so often did. “I’m being serious.” He hesitated a beat. “I knew exactly what I was doing that day that I marked you as mine. I mean, it happened earlier than I wanted it to, but this is me formally telling you. I want you to be mine and I want to be yours, and I’ve known it ever since we first met.”

Jackson felt himself slowly panicking and he didn’t know why, but he did know that Derek would begin to sense his apprehension. Only a few weeks had passed since they had begun their intimacy both physical and emotional, but he knew that within that time, he’d never felt so comfortable, so safe, and so sure of himself. It was like being with Derek gave him the confidence and stability that the kanima had stolen away. So he wasn’t sure why he felt short of breath and at a loss for words, now that what might be the love of his life was … yeah, he was basically proposing to him.

What happened next surprised them both.

“Isn’t this a little dramatic?” the words tumbled out of Jackson’s mouth without any thought. “I thought I was fucking a werewolf, not a marriage-obsessed little girl.” Oh god, what was he saying?

Just when he thought those eyebrows couldn’t narrow any further, there they went. “Stop being a dick.”

“No seriously, where is this coming from? It’s been like, a week!” It had been several, in fact. “I don’t know that you can say this is love. Can you even think this is love? I think this is just fucking.” The words having spilled out of his mouth, Jackson paused to check if his heart beat had risen. Was it the truth? Was it a lie? He didn’t even know himself.

“Forget it.” Derek huffed a sigh and got up abruptly. Jackson tilted his head to look at the disapproving alpha towering over him now. He could feel his neck flushing with guilt as he saw the embarrassment and hurt reflected in the other wolf’s face, and at that moment he wanted Derek to just punch him already. “I should have known you weren’t… This was a mistake. Forget I brought it up.” Hearing that was way worse.

Jackson returned to his magazine with as much nonchalance as he could muster, and wondered where his gigantic balls had suddenly come from. He didn’t know how he could take back the things he had said. Didn’t know how to explain that he loved Derek too, he really did, and that he was happiest with him and didn’t want that to end. Couldn’t explain why he’d responded so abusively. Why he’d lost control of himself. His hand trembled slightly as he went to turn the page, and it froze when he heard Derek’s low voice again. To Jackson’s surprise, it didn’t sound angry or frustrated, just resigned and disappointed. His gut twisted even further.

“Get out.”

…

An owl flew overhead, briefly hiding the half-moon that hung high in the sky. To a werewolf’s keen senses, panic and fear permeated throughout the woods. Boyd was the first one to find him.

“Over here! Guys, over here!” His voice bounced off of the surrounding trees, deep and urgent.

Jackson nearly ran into Erica as they both came bounding over fallen branches and shrubbery to the clearing Boyd had called from. Jackson nearly tripped and recovered, but fell to his knees anyway when he reached his destination. As he beat a furry clawed fist into the soft dirt, he let out a howl of pain and frustration. Two feet away from him, a bloodied and curled up Derek did not stir.

…

A week had passed since Derek and Jackson’s abrupt and completely-Jackson’s-fault falling out. It was a week of awkward silences and careful sentences. Jackson had never felt more like a teenaged girl. The rest of the pack had made a point of steering around the change in atmosphere, although Jackson was sure Erica was going to claw him in the back any day now. During this time, the frequency of his nightmares and his mental blowouts had increased exponentially. Without Derek to act as his anchor, Jackson felt constantly lost.

The worst part of it all was that Derek never acted maliciously towards Jackson, even after all the hurtful things he had spouted that night. He treated him the same as the rest of the pack, although with less eye contact. It pissed Jackson off. It was just like Derek to have a fucking non-retaliation policy. That night he had regretted every word he said and still did, but Jackson thought he might feel less guilty if Derek could at least shoot him a dirty look or two, or maybe an extra punch during practice. As things stood, Jackson was the complete and utter asshole.

“Hey.”

Jackson looked up from his bowl of macaroni and cheese mid-thought and mid-chew. “Whah?” he asked with a mouth full of pasta.

Boyd sat down on the second kitchen island barstool and rested his forearms on the polished granite. “How’s it going?” he asked, leaning forward and turning slightly to face Jackson.

Jackson hesitated, then raised his eyebrows and made a wiggling head gesture he hoped would convey impatience.

Boyd sighed and hung his head down. “Look, apparently I need to talk to you because Erica refuses to and Isaac thinks this is none of his business.” He looked up now, straight into Jackson’s eyes. “What happened between you and Derek?”

Jackson’s face flushed as he swallowed his last bite. He looked down and started using his fork to push around the remnants of his lunch from one side of the bowl to the other. “Nothing.”

“Seriously man, you have to stop lying.”

“I’m not—“

“Just because it’s a half truth doesn’t mean it’s not a lie. It’s not in a wolf’s nature to lie and it’s not in a werewolf’s nature to either.”

Jackson rolled his eyes, though internally flinching at the implication. It wasn’t in a werewolf’s nature to lie. But it was in the kanima’s. “Save it. Anyway, there’s nothing between me and Derek.”

“That’s the problem.” Boyd turned completely towards Jackson now. He smiled slightly before returning to his usual stoic expression. “Do you know, I was the third one to join the pack. All of us, me, Isaac, Erica, we were so.. so proud that we were the ones chosen. The ones he decided to turn. He’s taught us, protected us, given us all we need to take our places back in a world that decided we weren’t worth shit.” He leaned back now. “But you know what? I may have been the third to join, but I was the fourth to get turned. Out of everyone at our school, everyone in Beacon Hills, Derek bit you first.”

A silence hung in the air. Jackson glanced to the side and back and shrugged. “Okay? What?”

Now it was Boyd’s turn to roll his eyes. “You’re important to him. We can all tell, even if no one else is willing to admit it. When you guys were dating we actually saw him smile. Smile, Jackson. Derek. Smiled. He was genuinely happy with you in a way that he just isn’t with the rest of us. Even when you joined the pack, I could tell something was a little different with him. Like he was… excited, you know? And now? It’s like there’s a gloom hanging over the pack. And it’s coming from both of you.”

“Alright alright,” Jackson interrupted, waving his cheese-covered spoon. “I should’ve known where you were going with this. Holy shit, man, this is like the most you’ve ever spoken to me and it’s to sing about Derek’s smile.”

Boyd grinned slightly, but pressed on. “Jackson, what happened between you guys?”

Jackson hunched his shoulders and stared straight ahead, fixating on the lone dinosaur refrigerator magnet Isaac had placed on a whim. “We had a fight… um... I was an asshole. I guess I’m the one that ruined everything.”

“Is it really so bad you can’t patch things up?”

Jackson hung his head and made an overly exaggerated sigh. He had gone over that night’s conversation in his mind nearly a hundred times. It had been short, but it had been lethal. It really was so bad that he couldn’t patch things up. The final dejected look on Derek’s face which Jackson had seen as he turned to look back, right before the door was slammed shut… there was no taking that back. He buried his face in his hands. “It was really bad. I don’t see how he could ever forgive me – I fucking wouldn’t in his position. He doesn’t deserve a shithead like me.”

When he resurfaced, he saw Boyd pulling a face that made him frown. “What?”

“Are you serious, man? So you haven’t even given him a chance to forgive you. You’re just deciding for yourself that there isn’t anything you can do about it.”

Jackson shrugged. “I just know it’s too late.”

Boyd slammed an annoyed fist into the kitchen countertop, eliciting a flinch. “Grow a pair and talk to him. Both of you will be better for it, one way or another,” he said as he rose to leave. Jackson huffed and gave nothing in response. Before he left to find the others, Boyd turned around and gave Jackson a sideways glance. “Just whatever you do, don’t talk to Erica until you figure it out. Otherwise she’s probably going to rip your throat out.”

…

Jackson was the first to see Derek’s eyes slowly flutter open. It had been 4 hours and 52 minutes since they’d found him lying in the woods. The sun had barely broken on the horizon, bringing a dim glow to Derek’s room. As soon as he saw Derek awaken, Jackson forgot about the conversation he’d had with Boyd the previous afternoon. “He’s up guys, he’s up!” Jackson exclaimed, squeezing the alpha’s hand as his breath fluttered in excitement. Next to him on the floor, Boyd, Erica, and Isaac scrambled up to the bedside like eager puppies.

“What…?” Derek began, but then closed his eyes to lean back and groan.

“Easy, take it easy,” Jackson cooed. He leaned forward on his chair and stroked Derek’s forehead, something he remembered his mother doing when he was sick. Derek’s eyelids, at first scrunched tightly shut, slowly relaxed. His long thick eyelashes parted, and he looked up at Jackson’s face. “How do you feel? Do you remember what happened?”

Derek sat up and began surveying his body. They had cleaned the blood off of him, and by now his wounds were well on their way to healing. They had not been mending as quickly as usual, though. He nodded after a few swipes of his torso. “I had heard noises and gone out to the forest… someone ambushed me. It was another alpha… probably from the alpha pack. They said… they said it was just the beginning.” Derek closed his eyes, as if he were exhausted.

Glances were exchanged around the room. Jackson took a deep breath and stood up, turning to his packmates. “Can you guys give us a second?”

Boyd and Isaac nodded while Erica rolled her eyes. “Let us know when you guys are done though… we’ll get Peter and talk about this,” she said as they left the room.

Before the door had even closed, Jackson brought his arms down on the bed and buried his head in Derek’s scruffy neck. Tears began to silently stream out; ever since they had found Derek’s limp body, Jackson had kept his emotions close, not allowing himself to truly feel the situation. Now, seeing his alpha awake and well, he could not help but let go. He felt Derek’s hand on the back of his neck, firm and reassuring.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” Jackson muttered into Derek’s neck when his sobs had subsided. Lifting his head back, he wiped away the tears and the trail of snot with his (Derek’s) red hoodie sleeves. When he looked up again, Derek was watching him with a guarded and careful expression. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” he repeated helplessly. He took another deep breath. “I’m… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for the things I said to you. No, don’t,” he said as Derek huffed, rolling his eyes and turning away from Jackson. “Please, please please listen. I didn’t mean any of what I said, and I don’t know why I said them. Sometimes I just do stupid shit, you know that, I just… fuck!” He brought his hands up to his face, as if he could physically hold together his thoughts. “If anything had happened to you I would have done everything I could to hunt down whoever did it and destroy them. As soon as the possibility that you could be hurt came up, a part of me was on fire. I would do anything for you Derek, and it’s not because you’re my alpha, it’s because I love you.” He licked dry, nervous lips. “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, loving you and protecting you and everything. Please, please…” He trailed off to finish in a whisper. “Please be my mate.”

When Jackson was finished, Derek turned his head back to face him, expression unreadable.

“How do I know you’re not just lying about this too?”

The words stung, and he felt his ears turning crimson, but Jackson knew he deserved it. “It’s, I can’t – “ he paused, searching for the right words. “Someone told me that it’s not a werewolf’s nature to lie. I guess… I realized I have to start being honest with myself and with everyone else if I don’t want shit to start falling apart again. Especially with you.” He let out a deep sigh. “I don’t want there to ever be anything between us again.”

Derek motioned for Jackson to come near, and when Jackson hesitated he waved his hand again, insistently. Wrapping his arm around the other wolf and bringing him close, Derek breathed deeply against the top of Jackson’s head. “I was naïve when I brought it up. I should have realized it would be moving too soon for you. And after all you’ve been through.”

Jackson laughed softly and uneasily. “Yeah, I mean kind of. You know, some people wait years before they get married.” Jackson lifted his head and saw Derek smiling sadly in response.

“We’re werewolves. Some of us don’t have years.” They both paused, looking each other in the eyes. “Of course I still love you. If it just took a little fight for me to stop, then I don’t think it would’ve been real.” Derek lifted his hand to brush the side of Jackson’s face. “I wish it didn’t take a mauling for you to realize it though.”

Jackson laughed again and buried his face back into Derek’s warm chest, blotting out the tears of relief that were building up again. He didn’t need to say anything more. Derek stroked Jackson’s head, then lifted his mate’s chin. Smiling, he brought Jackson’s lips to his, and Jackson never felt so warm. Deep inside, his heart felt lighter, like it was soaring. As Jackson moved to climb into the bed, his knee connected with Derek’s shin instead of the mattress, and the alpha groaned.

“Shit, sorry!”

“Maybe we can continue this later, when I don’t feel like I got hit by a truck,” said Derek, grinning. Jackson returned his smile, and felt like he couldn’t stop, would never stop smiling. He kissed Derek’s forehead.

“Should I go get the others?”

Derek nodded in response. As Jackson got up and began to go, he felt Derek’s grip lingering on his hand.

“Jackson, the alpha that attacked me… that’s not all they said. They said they were coming for my pack. For our pack, I mean. They’re going to do something to you guys, to try and hurt me.”

Jackson looked at Derek’s face, his mate’s face, a minute ago so elated and now so full of concern. “Let them try. We’ll be ready.”

As Jackson left the room, he breathed a long sigh of relief and felt something tight within him unwind. It was almost as if years of burden were now dissipating. There would be struggles and hardship to come, but at that moment, he didn’t care. Maybe it wasn’t control that he had craved. Maybe it was honesty and truth, and a sense of belonging. Finally, Jackson had found what he was looking for.