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“If I wanted to know who you were hanging with
While I was gone, I would have asked you”
Clarke Griffin watches Bellamy Blake smile at the woman in front of him. She quickly downs the remaining liquid in the glass of champagne in her hand and starts to feel a slight buzz in her head from all the drinks she’s had.
Well, in her defense, she needed it. All evening, everyone has been congratulating her: congratulating her for her latest successful movie, her Golden Globe nomination for best-supporting actress, and finally, for her being able to make out of this ‘boring, bland town where nothing ever happens.’
Not everyone, though. Not Bellamy. He is yet to talk to her.
Clarke knows it’s been almost two years since they last talked, but she can’t help but feel a heaviness overwhelm her heart like fog. She can’t help but feel sad remembering the last holiday party they went to together, or all the holiday parties they went to together: because they were a package deal, and the whole town knew that if Clarke was there, Bellamy would be, too, and vice versa. She remembers them standing in the corner of the room, whispering theories they’d made up about all the partygoers, and stuffing their faces with the appetizers and the champagne. After a while, they would leave and find the nearest alley to make out, and later, would end up driving aimlessly around the town of Arkadia.
Now, as she watches him talk to the woman in front of him, she wonders if he’s moved on with her. If he’s been spending his Friday nights and Sunday afternoons with her while Clarke has been chasing skyscrapers thousands of miles away. As she watches the woman squeeze Bellamy’s shoulder, Clarke remembers the way she used to play with his dark curls when he would lay his head down in her lap and read a book.
Before nostalgia and longing could cloud her vision, Clarke notices Bellamy’s sister, Octavia, waving her over. “Clarke!”
She smiles, for the first time that night, genuinely happy to see the younger girl. Clarke watched Octavia grow up – when the Blakes moved next door to the Griffins, Octavia had only been five, and Bellamy and Clarke were ten.
At first, Bellamy and Clarke did not like each other. Bellamy thought that Clarke was too snobby since she refused to play in the sandbox – and Clarke thought that Bellamy was awfully mean. He definitely was to her. He used to call her princess, saying that he thinks that she thinks that she is too mighty to play in the sandbox.
Although, that didn’t go on for very long. After a couple of weeks, the other kids had also picked up on Bellamy’s nickname, and started calling Clarke princess, but in a meaner way – along with pulling her little Dutch braids, which made her go home crying, one day. She had curled up on the sofa, watching cartoons and vowing to never play with other kids again. But, a while later, the boy who had started this mess was at her doorstep, and he was apologizing, saying that he’s told everyone that it was not cool to do that to her, nor was it cool for anyone else to call her princess.
He had extended a Hershey’s milk chocolate bar toward her and smiled sheepishly. “Truce?”
Clarke had wiped her tears with the sleeve of her sweater, and whispered, “Truce.”
They had shared the chocolate and watched cartoons on Clarke’s couch for the rest of the day, and she had told him the reason she didn’t play in the sandbox was because of a nightmare she had when she was nine years old, where she saw that she fell into an endless hole, where it was raining sand and she was choking on it. Bellamy had wrapped his pinkie finger around hers and promised to never tease her about it again.
But the nickname had stuck.
“It's the kind of cold, fogs up windshield glass
But I felt it when I passed you”
Clarke makes her way through the crowd, whispering an ‘excuse me’ to everyone. She can now see Bellamy clearly, and Clarke realizes that he’s not wearing his usual smile. There’s a tiredness in his eyes, and even after two years, she immediately knows that he is anxious, nervous. He is wearing a mask, hiding emotions behind a fake smile.
Then, their eyes meet, blue on brown, and her world spins on its axis for a second. Her mind blurs with the mist of a long-forgotten memory for a moment: him smiling at her before tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and whispering, ‘I’ll always love you, princess. No matter what.’
She can also see a flash of pain in his eyes and hates herself for being the cause of it.
He stares at her with such an intensity that she feels goosebumps on her skin and butterflies in the pit of her stomach. She hates the fact that even after two years, he still has the same effect on her – she feels so powerless right now, unable to even avert her eyes from his.
“Clarke!”
Suddenly, Octavia’s walking toward her, and Clarke quickly passes Bellamy, feeling his heated gaze on her skin, and the sadness radiate from him in layers. Or is it her sadness? She’s unsure.
“Octavia, my god. You’re so tall!” Clarke says enthusiastically, hugging the seventeen-year-old girl. Octavia smiles against her embrace, and whispers, “I know. We’re the same height now.”
They pull apart from the hug, and Clarke gets a good look at her, and is shocked at how mature she looks. Her face is more defined, her hair longer, and her figure more delineated. “Facetiming did you no justice, O.”
She laughs, shaking her head. “I’ve missed you.”
“And I’ve missed you!” Before Clarke can say anything else, Octavia’s gaze fixes behind her, and Clarke knows it’s Belllamy – she can still feel his presence.
She turns around and smiles widely. “Hi, Bellamy.”
He gives her a smile, and it takes Clarke’s breath away. It’s the same smile he used to give her in the mornings when they would wake up together, her head on his bare chest, and his hot breath and kisses fanning the top of her head. It’s a smile reserved just for her, and that eases her as she realizes that Bellamy doesn’t hate her.
“Hey, Clarke.” He says, softly.
“How are you?” She asks, and he shrugs a little. “Good, good, yeah. You?”
“I’m doing well, yeah.”
“Congratulations on your movie. O and I watched it. It was wonderful. You were brilliant.”
She feels a blush spread across her cheeks at his compliment. “Thanks, Bell. That – uh, means a lot.”
He smiles, nodding.
For a while, the humdrum of the party fades away, and it’s just Bellamy and Clarke, staring at each other, almost like old times.
“You know how cool it is telling people that the badass woman in the movie that we’re watching is like my own sister?” Octavia’s voice brings the two of them back to the party.
Clarke and Bellamy laugh, before somebody calls his name, and he whispers an apology and a promise to catch up later and leaves.
“There’s an ache in you,
Put there by the ache in me
But if it’s all the same to you,
It’s the same to me”
“You know he misses you, right?” Octavia says watching Bellamy walk away.
“Really?” Clarke asks, hope laced in her voice.
The other girl nods. “And I can tell that you feel the same way.”
“I miss him so much, O. So, so much. And you, too.”
Octavia smiles sadly. “Why didn’t you come home, Clarke?”
Clarke sighs, having dreaded this conversation ever since she arrived back in her hometown.
“Because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to leave again, especially if I saw him.”
Ever since her childhood, Clarke has been determined. So, two years ago, when Clarke decided to move to LA, and her and Bellamy decided that it was best to break up, she has done everything in her power to stick to her decision: and that included avoiding coming home for two whole years. Because, deep down, a part of Clarke will always belong to Bellamy – but who can blame her? If soulmates are real, Clarke’s quite sure that Bellamy is her soulmate. They’ve known each other for so many years and they started dating since they were sixteen. Bellamy will always be her best friend, the love of her life. No matter where she is. Maybe that’s the reason why she feels as if the men in LA are bland, because no one compares to him.
At twenty, they were supposed to be engaged – instead, Clarke moved away for her ambition, and Bellamy stayed behind for his sister.
And Clarke knows that she isn’t strong enough to face him and not be flooded by every memory they’ve made at his sight. She knows that she still loves him, deeply, and seeing him will only intensify what she still feels towards him.
“You know he still loves you, right?” Octavia says now.
Clarke ignores her comment: Octavia’s always wanted them to be together. Instead, she says, “I don’t want him to be unhappy.”
“Well, don’t worry. There’s an ache in him, yeah. But he’s doing good. I think. At least he’s better than he was when you left.”
Ache in him, cause of which is Clarke herself, or rather, her aspiration. She smiles at Octavia. “If he’s doing good, that’s great. That’s all that matters.”
“We could call it even,
You could call me babe for the weekend
‘Tis the damn season, write this down”
When the clock inches closer to 12, everyone’s gathered around the big Christmas tree in the middle of the room. Clarke is squeezed between one of her oldest friends, Raven, and Bellamy. She feels better than she did at the beginning of this party when they weren’t talking.
Raven wraps an arm around her. “Hey, do you know why Monty and Harper aren’t here tonight?”
Belllamy whispers, “Jasper told me Harper’s pregnant.”
Clarke’s eyes widen. “Really? Ugh, finally.”
Raven smiles. “I know, right? They’re gonna have the cutest kid in the whole world.”
Clarke and Bellamy share a grin, and he whispers, “We’re growing old, huh?”
Clarke shrugs. “I don’t think so. You still finished an entire plate of chocolate-coated marshmallows today.”
“That’s what an adult does.”
“Definitely. How’s O doing in school?”
Bellamy purses his lips. “She’s doing good, actually. But she says that she wants to be a cop. I just – I don’t know, and I, uh…”
“You’re scared that she might get hurt?” Clarke guesses.
“Yeah, I mean, you know how high the crime rate is in our town, right?”
“For an East coast town, it’s pretty impressive, huh?”
He nods. “I just – I don’t want her to get hurt, you know? She’s my baby sister.”
“You should talk to her about it, you know? She’s growing up, you have to let her go at some point.”
“I don’t want to. Ever since Mom, I just…”
Clarke nods, resting a hand on his shoulder to indicate that he doesn’t need to elaborate because she understands. The Blake siblings lost their mother to a car accident when Bellamy was just seventeen, and Octavia twelve.
Clarke will never forget the way Bellamy was shaking, and the look in his eyes when he came to her door in the middle of the night. She will never forget the way his voice cracked when he whispered, “She’s gone.” She will never forget the moment when he collapsed in her arms, and the way he was clinging to her body while sobs took over his. She will never forget the look in Octavia’s eyes when they told her, nor will she forget all the nights when all Bellamy did was scream, scream, and scream.
“I know, Bell. But you should talk to her about it. You know she’s just as stubborn as you are.”
He smiles at her. “I will, princess.”
Clarke inhales sharply. It’s been a while since she’s heard that nickname. Bellamy seems to realize that too, and he says, “Uh, I’m sorry… it just slipped.”
“No, it’s okay. It’s just been a while. You… you can call me that. At least for the holidays.” She grins, as he laughs.
“I don’t think I ever used your name.”
She laughs. “No. No, you didn’t.”
Right then, the grandfather clock strikes twelve, as all the people yell, “Merry Christmas eve!” Bellamy downs the glass of vodka in his hand, yelling, “Tis the damn season, folks!”
“I'm stayin' at my parents' house
And the road not taken looks real good now
And it always leads to you in my hometown”
As the party winds down, and Clarke and Raven put on their coats to go home, Bellamy leans against the door to the coatroom. “Are you staying with Raven?”
Clarke shakes her head. “No. I’m staying with my parents.”
“Would they mind if I took you to the End?”
She smiles. The End – officially Vanderbilt rock – is a steep cliff looking down into the Pacific Ocean. It is also the same place where, on her fifteenth birthday, Clarke and Bellamy came to jump off into the freezing cold water. It was also the day when Clarke realized that she may have a tiny crush on her best friend.
“I don’t think they will.”
“Cool. I’ll pick you up at 10.”
She nods and watches him walk away with Octavia.
On the car ride home, she lets her mind wander to what her life would have been like if she had stayed. Back in LA, she refrains from thinking about it at all – it only makes her feel like absolute shit. (Clarke is particularly good at compartmentalizing emotions, a trait she picked up from her mother.)
She knows that she would have gotten a degree in medicine, and probably worked at the town hospital, Arkadia Memorial. She and Bellamy probably would have gotten married when she was done with her degree, and moved to a nice, cozy apartment in the heart of the town, where they would wake up in each other’s arms every morning and fallen asleep while watching their favorite sitcoms every night. She can picture them going out with their friends on Fridays, having dinner with Octavia on Saturdays, and spending Sundays curled up on the sofa, watching Bellamy’s favorite Historical documentaries, while Clarke read her favorite classics. She knows that on anniversaries, they would make trips to cities that they’ve always talked about visiting, like Toledo, Miami, and Vancouver. After a couple of years, they would have a little baby who would have Bellamy’s kind eyes and Clarke’s sharp wit, and who would make every struggle, every scar worth it.
Clarke sighs. Every alternate life of hers always includes Bellamy. Always.
The worst part is that they are infinitely better than the one she currently leads.
“I parked my car right between the Methodist
And the school that used to be ours”
True to his word, Bellamy is at the Griffin’s door at exactly 10. He hugs Clarke’s parents, talking about how unpredictable the weather is in their town, and she marvels at how wonderfully he still fits in with her parents.
The two of them decide to take Clarke’s car, since it is in desperate need of a wash, and they drive around Arkadia, aimlessly. She parks the car in front of their high school, and a fond smile overtakes her features, noticing the same chipped yellow paint and the red fence. Bellamy points at the direction of the forest behind the school. “Remember when we used to skip class and hang out back in there?”
“You have always been a bad influence.”
“You loved it.”
She smiles at him, and for a moment she forgets everything that’s happened, and just lets herself be in the moment.
They drive to the forest behind their old school, and Clarke rolls down her window, feeling the warmth of the morning sun on her face. A comfortable silence settles over the car as Bellamy stares outside, seemingly lost in thought.
As the sound of waves crashing against rocks hits her ears, she smiles, remembering the feeling she had when Bellamy had wrapped his arms around her torso when they had resurfaced from the cool October ocean water, almost seven years ago. She remembers him telling her, “There’s no one else I’d rather jump off a cliff with.” She also remembers the butterflies that she’d felt in the pit of her stomach, the blush that had covered her cheeks at what he’d said. She also remembers them sitting at the edge of the cliff, with their hands and hopes intertwined.
Now, the duo sit at the same position at the edge of the cliff, yet, this time, they couldn’t be farther apart.
“Princess?”
She raises her brows, marveling at how his freckles look like paint splatter against the afternoon sun.
“The holidays linger like bad perfume
You can run, but only so far
I escaped it too, remember how you watched me leave
But if it's okay with you, it's okay with me”
“I never thought that you would come back.”
“You can’t run forever.”
He nods. “Well, everyone here thinks that you’re brave for escaping.”
“I think I was a coward.”
“I think you were brave for going after what you’ve always wanted, even if everyone told you that it was dumb, unrealistic to want to be an actor.”
She smiles at him. “I remember how you watched me leave.”
She says that, but what she means is that she remembers their last, painful kiss, the last night they’d spent together, the last time he’d hugged her at the airport, and the last glance she had snuck at him while waiting to check-in.
She knows that he knows what she means. He always does.
“It’s okay, princess. It’s okay with me.”
“Alright.” She says, and intertwines their fingers, just like he did the first they were here.
“Time flies, messy as the mud on your truck tires
Now I'm missing your smile, hear me out
We could just ride around
And the road not taken looks real good now
And it always leads to you in my hometown”
That was just the beginning of Clarke’s holidays.
They spend the rest of the day at the End, just talking, catching up. She tells him about her life in LA, and he tells him about the bar he’s bought downtown. She tells him about how hard it is to be a young woman in the industry, and he reminds her to never give up on her dreams. He tells her about how he and Octavia decided to talk about the cop thing, and she tells him that she’s proud of him.
When they can feel a chill in the air, Bellamy proposes that they get dinner at the diner on the highway that they’d loved as kids. There, they laugh about Clarke’s preposterous friends in the city over milkshakes and burgers and fries.
Christmas morning, Bellamy gives her a sketchbook and some charcoal pencils – yesterday, Clarke had told him about the fact that she barely has time to draw in LA, and she feels her heartstrings tug at the fact that he remembered. She gifts him a beautiful, blue cashmere sweater that she had actually bought in her first few weeks in LA: it’s her habit to pick something up for him, no matter how small, whenever she goes shopping, and when she had seen that sweater, she had known that he would look absolutely breathtaking in it and bought it impulsively.
He hugs her and tells her that he loves the fact that she’s remembered the fact that the color of her eyes is his favorite color. She blushes and notices Octavia grin out of the corner of her eye.
They spend the rest of the day with her parents and Octavia, watching Christmas movies and eating all sorts of cake, and later, head down to the Jaha household for their annual Christmas party.
The next day, Bellamy and Clarke drive around Arkadia again, this time in his truck. They just talk about anything and everything, and they do the same the day after that, and the day after that, and so on.
Whenever they’re not together (which is not a lot, to be honest), Clarke is missing his smile and his compassion. One night, she stares at the ceiling of her bedroom window and wonders if she’ll be able to leave again.
“Sleep in half the day just for old times' sake”
On the night before New Year’s Eve, Clarke and Bellamy lay beside each other in the back of his truck, sharing a bottle of beer and watch a meteor shower.
“Princess?” He whispers.
She hums in question.
“Do you really have to leave tomorrow?”
She faces him. “Production for my movie starts on the first of January. Even if I don’t want to, I have to go.”
He props himself on his elbow. “You don’t want to?”
She exhales, nodding. “Of course I don’t.”
In a flurry of movement, Bellamy’s lips are on hers, and they’re kissing, kissing, and kissing. Clarke feels like everything has fallen into place.
She wakes up the next morning in his arms, and shudders remembering the way he’d kissed her in all the right places, the way he had carried her to his bedroom, and the way he had gently asked, “Are you sure?”
Clarke also remembers whispering, before falling asleep, “I should have never left. I’m sorry. I still love you. I think I always will.”
That memory also makes her realize that she has a flight to catch in five hours, and she slowly untangles herself from his body. But that motion wakes Bellamy up, and he wraps his arm strongly around her bare torso, and says, “Please. Stay.”
So, she stays, and Clarke misses her flight, and they sleep in half of the day, just like they used to do on weekends.
“I won't ask you to wait if you don't ask me to stay
So I'll go back to L.A. and the so-called friends
Who'll write books about me, if I ever make it
And wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles I'm fakin'
And the heart I know I'm breakin' is my own
To leave the warmest bed I've ever known”
When Clarke finally leaves his place, it is dark outside. Her manager called and he had booked her another flight. When she tells Bellamy this, he only says, “Alright.”
Clarke had hoped that he might say something more – she had prayed.
But he doesn’t ask her to stay, and she doesn’t ask him to wait, either.
On the ride to the airport with her parents, she dreads having to go back to LA. She doesn’t really have friends there – her best friend has always been Bellamy, and the only other person that she’s still close to is Raven and both of them are thousands of miles away from her. Her society climbing friends in LA compliment her. All the time. All fake compliments, of course – all they want is a picture with her, so that they can post it on Instagram, and caption it with ‘Besties since nappies’ when she makes it big and is the lead in a movie.
She knows that the moment she lands in LA, she would go to brunch with them, and think of Bellamy the whole time – the only person who can see past her façade. She would think of them curled up together in his bed, her back pressed to his warm, bare chest and long for his touch. She would think of his hot breath on the back of her ear, and his feathery kisses atop her hair. She would think of the way he had whispered, last night, “It’s you. It’s always been you,” and break a little inside, knowing that she will never get to be genuinely happy without him.
Clarke’s mother senses the change in her daughter’s demeanor and squeezes her hand. “You’re breaking your own heart, darling.”
She closes her eyes, and feels a teardrop settle in the space between her collarbones. “I know, Mom.”
She knows that Bellamy is her soulmate, and no one will ever compare to him. She knows that no matter how many people she meets in LA, her heart will always yearn for him. She knows that waking up next to him and watching the early morning light dance across his face while he tries to pull her even closer to him is a feeling that is unmatched.
She knows that Bellamy is her home, and nothing, or no one, in the world can change the way she feels about him.
“We could call it even
Even though I'm leavin'
And I'll be yours for the weekend
'Tis the damn season”
At the airport, after Clarke has hugged her parents goodbye, and is now currently staring at the Arkadia skyline and waiting for her flight, she vows that she will never come back. She will buy her parents a house in the city if it’s required – but she will never, ever face Bellamy again.
“Clarke!”
Bellamy’s voice shocks her and she mentally curses. How, why is he here?
“Clarke, please!”
He’s running towards her, and she is tempted to run away, but she’s too weak. He pauses when he finally reaches her and holds her face in his hands.
“Stay. Please. At least for another weekend.”
Her lips part.
“Bellamy, I can’t.”
“I’ll book you another flight, Clarke, please –”
“No. See – this is exactly why I can’t stay. You want me for another weekend. But I want you for every weekend. Bellamy. You’re my home. My soulmate. My person. All this holiday has made me realize is that I’ll never be able to not love you. I’m yours, Bell. Always.”
He shakes his head. “You think I want you for another weekend? Clarke, I wanna marry you. I want to wake up with you every single day. I want to have a family with you. And I – I – I can’t ask you to stay. You’re living your dream and I can’t ask you to give it up for me.”
At the last sentence, Clarke feels tears slide down her cheeks, again. “Bellamy, I’m not happy! I thought that Hollywood would make me happy, but all it’s done is break me. Bell, I’m so lonely, and the fact is, I could have friends, family there – but I’m not trying, because I don’t want anyone else. I just want you. I thought that the LA life would make me happy, but it doesn’t, Bellamy. I’m unhappy. I live alone, being someone that they want me to be, doing things that they want me to do, and I – I realize now that no dream is worth chasing if it’s not with you.”
He shakes his head, again, and takes a step away from her. “No, Clarke. You’re not gonna give everything up for me, you worked too hard for it, and it’s not right…”
“I’m not! I made a mistake, Bell. Leaving you, leaving home was a mistake. I don’t want that life. I wanna be with the people that I love and have a family with you. And don’t tell me that I’m drunk or delusional. This is all I’ve thought about for the past year.”
He exhales shakily, clearly unmoored. “I don’t want you to give up everything up for me and then realize that it was all – that I was a mistake. That I was not worth it.”
She shakes her head, taking his hands in hers. “You’re worth giving everything up for. And maybe I could talk to my manager, see what she feels about me working from Arkadia?”
A glimmer of hope flashes in his eyes. “You could do that?”
She nods, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. “Yeah, but not forever. At least for a couple of years.”
“I wish that I could move.”
She shakes her head. “No. No. You have to take care of Octavia – you’re all she has. And maybe, after she moves away for college, maybe we can move somewhere that’s flexible for me?”
“Absolutely. But, seriously, we can do that?” A grin escapes on his face.
“I have to convince my manager first. Uh, it might take a while. But, seeing you again – I can’t leave again, Bell. I’m breaking both our hearts.”
“Clarke, I love you so much, and I just want you to know that it’s okay if you leave. I mean, the fact that there’s a glimmer of chance of you staying is brilliant, but it’s okay if you leave, too. I’ll always be in love with you, baby. No matter what. You’ll always be my best friend.”
“Baby, there’s not a glimmer of chance – I’m staying. I’ll convince my manager, and even if I lose the new movie, I’ll figure something out.”
“We’ll figure something out.”
She smiles at him. “You’re all I want. Hollywood is nothing compared to you.”
“That’s so cheesy.” He’s full-on crying now.
Clarke wipes his tears with the sleeve of her sweatshirt, and reaches on her tiptoes to kiss him, but he interrupts her.
“But, princess, I’m not gonna let you lose your career for me. You worked too hard to leave it all for a boy.”
She smiles. “You’re not just a boy, and we’ll figure something out. I don’t care.”
“I love you so much, princess. Even if you leave tomorrow.”
“I love you, and I’m never gonna leave again.”
“But I’ll be fine if you leave.”
“It’s already the new year in England, so just kiss me.”
He grins, and Clarke feels absolutely euphoric. As their lips meet, she knows that she’s finally home.
“It always leads to you in my hometown”
Seven years later, when Clarke wins her first Academy Award, she dedicates it to her husband, Bellamy, and their daughter, Aurora.