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Steven was always one to quickly catch onto his powers soon after discovering them. Sometimes it was tricky, sometimes he was upset when he couldn’t do it on time or when the gems needed him.
No matter the case, however, he eventually gained control of his shield so that the gems had it for protection. His floating powers, for… floaty business? He didn’t really know, but he did know when he was excited that one could take on a mind of his own. His bubble, more protection, but on all sides. He could move, roll, run in it, bounce, he’s like a hamster in a ball (minus the hamster, Steven would never compare himself to a hamster, they’re smarter; he’s more like a tiny dog).
Those are the ones he used the most, anyway. But one, he couldn’t explain it. It eluded him. He remembered the first time it happened, when Lion had found Rose’s scabbard. When Pearl learned she didn’t quite know Rose as well as she thought she did.
Steven was concentrating in the moment, but something pricked at the back of his mind. It was like a cloud full and plump of despair and betrayal— ready to burst but not yet— hovering over a beautiful park. Winds rustled, trees swayed, the swings from the playground followed the wind’s direction.
And then Steven told Pearl he’d already been to Rose’s armoury, and her face fell. The first drop of rain was released, like a bullet shooting down onto the grass. Steven felt a pang of guilt crawling in his stomach, like maybe he should’ve said he hadn’t been there to make Pearl happy. Each disappointment (Rose’s sword not in the scabbard, Steven already visited the armoury), each revelation that Pearl couldn’t share with Steven (showing him the sword herself, being able to reign Steven in on every detail about Rose Quartz).
They all sent bullets of water barreling down on the playground, winds picking up and tugging the swings along with them. The flowers and tall strands of grass folded under the pressure of the rain and winds. Each time a drop hit a surface, Steven felt the atmosphere growing more and more dim.
He didn’t feel it at first, it was easy to ignore. But each time Pearl grew sadder and sadder, his mind was clouded in thoughts— why did Rose leave me- her- out of this? what did she not tell me- her- before she left? how much do I- she- not know?— Pearl’s thoughts. They knocked on the door to his brain, begging to come in. To swallow his mind in their wallow.
Pearl was speaking; he was standing next to Lion and she was yelling at the gems. He couldn’t hear them, the clouds were expanding, the rain kept pounding on the leaves and a tree had fallen over because it couldn’t handle it. The door to his brain burst open, falling flat on the flat surface of nothingness and a wave of thoughts that weren’t even his flooded his sub conscience as the painting fell. He thinks he might’ve said something but he couldn’t quite focus, Pearl- she… she needed him- she-
Next thing he knows, he was running after her. His legs continued even when his mind said no. He wanted to check on her, he did! But the park wasn’t even there anymore, once a beautiful grassy scenery was transformed into an ocean, drowned. Steven continued onwards anyway, he continued pestering and prying at Pearl even when he almost died- he continued insisting it was okay even when the hologram of Rose Pearl had willed into existence dissipated upon a slight touch and Pearl crumbled.
He continued until the clouds went away, and the water was gone. The park was back, the flowers prettier and their colors more vibrant than ever. The door to his brain had done a U-turn, fixing itself back together as if nothing had ever happened.
Another time (maybe the second or the third, even the fourth; he doesn’t know and doesn’t care), came during Stevonnie’s dream back on the jungle moon. Even though it was Stevonnie’s (his) dream, he still felt it. The almost tangible cloud that sat in front of him, labeled anger. Each foot stomp and whine, every huff and puff and yell.
The cloud poured, and his mind flooded, and he couldn’t help but relish in the emotion, the frustration he’d felt toward this person he’d never even met. He’d seen Stevonnie’s reflection in the glass wasn’t theirs, but it was hers . His mom. He felt her anger, her naivety, all exploding onto Yellow Diamond. But he didn’t know that at the time.
Stevonnie woke up, falling out of the hammock and bewildered at what they’d just witnessed. Their eyes trailed upwards towards the mural of the diamond resting above them, and even then they still couldn’t quite understand but they’d pieced it together. It had happened right there.
Steven wanted to be surprised, shocked, anything! But he couldn’t. His mind was still swallowed in feelings that weren’t his own, thoughts that he wanted to fix, to help. To do something .
His mind reset, the door to his brain putting itself back together and shutting. The park, an ocean once more, reeled back into the dreamy afternoon setting he’d come to know. These sensations, these emotions, these thoughts…
they’re not his .
As time went on, he felt it more often. The pang of guilt or sadness, anger or frustration, even someone just being plain happy! Each time it crawled up his stomach, a sickening feeling drowning whatever was happening right then. The non-existent pleas for help that busted the door down and banged on his ears, making them ring.
Not his.
He’d gotten so used to it, the park, the clouds, the door.
Then the giant pink monster appeared on the beach. And he was terrified .
He couldn't feel anything at first.
He’d just been thrown into a whole barrel of his own guilt and problems but now it was suddenly empty, all of it coming to a halt. Whatever emotions overpowering his brain had left, like the shore threatening to swallow him whole had suddenly backed away. It left him alone. His stomach laid flat, resting and unchanging and he couldn’t understand why. It all felt so blank, so empty. It was cold and hollow, and he felt the touch of nothingness on his clawed pink fingers.
The revelation of his changed appearance snapped him out of his daze, and his brain swirled with things to replace the hollowness with. He remembered the pain he felt when he was still struggling to look for something, his own feelings that he couldn’t quite remember under everything else. But everything else had been gone, and he panicked, and he smashed his head into the temple thinking maybe it would make him feel something.
On the outside, his head throbbed. On the inside, it was overwhelming and more unlike anything he’d ever felt, he was guilty.
It was his guilt.
He’d hurt the gems so bad, he was a monster. He was feeling. He was sad, but not for him, it was for them. And they told him to stop doing that. They hugged him, even though he looked so terrible. Even though he barely recognized this entire moment as reality. His body wavered and glowed, and he sat on the palm of the cluster as he sobbed big blobs of tears into Lion’s mane.
He sobbed. Tears from his cloud. Sadness for himself and what he put himself through. Thoughts breaking down his door, but they were his own thoughts. Why did he have to go through any of this? What’s going to happen when this is all over? He sobbed. His park was gone. Nothing to flood without feeling bad, nothing to destroy only to be picked back up and reset for the next feeling to come crashing down at any moment. He sobbed. His stomach laid flat, so that he could feel without being sick of guilt.
And he sobbed for himself.