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1. new beginnings
Finally the very first day of the new year, and Adonis almost believes he went to the wrong classroom.
Every year, it's always the same old story. He's always torn between two feelings, between the excitement of meeting new people, of learning new things, and the dread that rises from the lowest part of his heart when he thinks about all the goodbyes he'll have to say. He's loved the year before, but this time is over — he wouldn't say lost, but almost, as he can't go back to this precious time even if he wanted to.
His heart feels heavy. It's a familiar kind of ache, one you never get used to but you slowly learn how to bear. Adonis, however, notices parts of his old routine in the new classroom, elements he already knows well, and all those details help him feel slightly better.
For instance, Narukami's smile: she's chatting with Sakuma-senpai's little brother, and they wave hello, and he waves back.
For instance, Oogami's head, half-lit by the sun, as the day has only just dawned.
Part of his face is all shadows, but they can't cover the faintest hint of sadness as he looks up when Adonis heads towards him; his features seem to relax, as if the familiarity of Adonis' presence next to his in this grievous, sunlit morning, could alleviate the pain. Or maybe it's only a product of his imagination, and he's the one who feels relieved.
"So it's only us this year," Oogami comments. He sounds almost indifferent, but Adonis knows better.
Adonis nods, gentle. "Only the two of us."
Oogami stares at him for a few seconds, his mouth ajar: he looks like he wants to say something.
Then he looks away, eyes up to the sky. Adonis has no idea what he's seeing in this expanse of blue: there are no clouds, only a single color, and the hint of the heat of spring. He whispers more than he says: "Let's do our best together."
-
The light music club room used to be their realm. Sometimes, it felt as if the whole unit was made of its members. They would always find themselves there, even Hakaze-senpai when he graced them with his presence.
And yet, when Adonis opens the door, he's hit by a sudden feeling of strangeness. It's not the first time he's experiencing it; just like the oddity of a new school year, there are times when he doesn't feel at his place, it happens sometimes when he discovers an aspect of Japanese culture he didn't know before.
Nothing has changed, though: Sakuma-senpai's coffin still lies in one corner, the instruments in the other. The floor and the walls haven't been redone. The windows are still covered by the same curtains that are always drawn in the daytime. Even the smell of the room doesn't feel different.
And, most importantly:
Oogami is there.
He's bickering with the Aoi twins, and it's all angry yells and amused giggles. Are they trying to rile him, for the sake of it? Most likely. Oogami is an easy man to tease: call him wanko or wan-chan or corgi, treat him like a dog, and he'll howl that he's a wolf. If anything, Adonis is surprised that Oogami always stays calm when they're alone, as if Adonis was a soothing company.
He wonders if he should intrude. There's no president giving him the implicit permission to stay, no blond-haired upperclassman who barged in without care whenever he wanted, letting Adonis follow along. Standing there, alone, is awkward, and he almost turns his heels to leave.
Relief floods Oogami's face when Adonis finally catches his attention. Like he was waiting for him. "Adonis. Let's get outta here, I can't stand those guys."
One of the twins sticks his tongue out behind Oogami's back.
Adonis lets himself be dragged out of the club room. He thinks, maybe I don't have a reason to stay anymore. He wants to ask Oogami if he's too much, if they should find another place to meet, but his own tongue is like metal in his mouth, a heavy weight he can't move as he pleases.
"Shit," Oogami suddenly says, "I forgot to book a lesson room. My bad."
"I forgot, too," Adonis replies. It's becoming harder to get one, lately, as many other units have taken new members, or they've just formed, and they need to train as much as they can. UNDEAD can use the rooms in the Ensemble Square building, but when it's only the two of them after classes, they'd rather find a room in the academy. Adonis knows UNDEAD could welcome a fifth member: Oogami and he can take a first year under their wings, they have things to teach: how to sing, how to dance, how to talk to a fan (okay, maybe that's a skill Adonis hasn't mastered yet, but his smiles became easier, they come to him without an effort, and before he became an idol Adonis never noticed how one could refrain himself from smiling, for no reason other than shyness). Still, he believes there is one thing neither he nor Oogami can give: what it means, to be a creature of the night, for Sakuma-senpai was the one who turned them into these new beings, and it takes a vampire to turn others into his peers.
"But we can practice everywhere, right?" Adonis asks, even if he knows the answer.
Oogami stares at him. And smiles. "Yeah, you're right. We're UNDEAD. A lesson room, that's good for the living."
2. trying again
This is the beginning of a new era, and Koga already despises two things.
First: this black stain, in the corner of his club room — the coffin Sakuma-senpai has yet to retrieve, so it's still lying there, useless. At least the twins decided to desecrate the coffin, filling it with everything they own and everything they don't. But Koga's attention is constantly drawn to Rei's coffin, like a moth attracted by a flame. There's a brilliance he hasn't found in anyone but Rei, huddled up in the epitome of the night, and each reminder of this man's existence could well drive him crazy before the year ends. He hates it, this ugly, devastating emotion that fills every corner of his body, from the wildest parts of his heart to the most insignificant of his blood cells.
Second: how he is forced to acknowledge his own weakness, as the less popular member of his unit, the one whose name is the least recognized — even Hakaze-senpai, who's always been so laid-back, is now praised by both his fans and the milieu; even Adonis, who began at the same time as him and is now, abroad, almost as popular as Sakuma-senpai.
"Fuck, I screwed up again!" He tries to keep his irritation under control, but each mistake he makes is a reminder of how he's falling behind, that easily. And it gets under his skin, every time, because the new choreography from their new song isn't that hard to learn, and Adonis can do it fine already, so he doesn't know why he can't. He knows what Hakaze-senpai would say, though. You're taking it too seriously, that's what he'd say, and Koga hates that the version of the playboy senpai living in his head is right.
Yet Adonis doesn't mind if they have to stop their rehearsal just to let Koga breathe. He's a good guy, this opinion is his but he's sure he's not the only one who thinks so, Sakuma-senpai and Hakaze-senpai and Kanzaki think so too, and probably his whole grade, and maybe even the whole school and all the graduates who ever crossed his path. Is this the difference between the rest of UNDEAD and him? They're great people, easy to love, while he's a lone wolf who doesn't need anyone. A wolf who ran after the star that bewitched him with its glow.
"It's alright, Oogami. This is a difficult dance, I'm having a hard time with it too." Adonis tries to reassure him, but even if his words were true: how does Koga catch up?
He breathes in slowly. He's annoyed, but the gap between Adonis and he wakes up something else, a sense of a rivalry that makes him say, one more time, and they go on. They have to try until each step becomes a habit, as natural to them as breathing, until they can reproduce each movement without even thinking. He can't — he won't give up.
When they finally take a break, Koga lies down, eyes closed, out of breath. His stamina isn't the highest yet, compared to Adonis who seems fine, and he wonders if he shouldn't ask Leon to train him, to make him run faster and longer when they go for a walk, until his lungs are on fire and his legs can't bear his weight anymore.
"I'm not strong enough," he whispers between his teeth, and he didn't expect Adonis to hear him. But he does, and his partner replies:
"I think you're already very strong Oogami. You need to train your stamina, that's all."
He did, though. And it's not enough yet.
Koga opens one eye. Adonis hovers him, and he realizes the view from down here is really nice. His features are really nice to look at. If he had more time and wasn't focused on his own training, he'd probably stare at him for long. It's a good thing the dance turned his cheeks red and his heart into a drum, so he can pretend it has nothing to do with Adonis. This could be another thing he despises in this era, the way he's becoming more and more conscious of Adonis, to the point that it could be distracting.
Instead of listening to his whims (reaching out his hand to enjoy the soft sensation of Adonis' skin under his fingers), he retorts: "I was talking about the heart." For he thinks too much, and he lets his failures get the best of him, and this is not the kind of idol he wants to be.
"You are. More than I am."
"What?"
Adonis doesn't say anything, at first. His lips shiver, and Koga tries to decipher what lies behind the purple of his eyes, but it's no use. Adonis hides his feelings easily, he blocks out his emotions without a thought. And at times (like right now), even Koga (who considers himself one of Adonis' closest friends) is unable to understand the thoughts of the person he cares about the most.
Finally, the other looks away. "My sisters. I can't properly face them, so my heart is weak."
Koga stares at him in disbelief. He can't say he wasn't expecting this kind of explanation, but it still feels weird, because he knows how wrong the statement is.
And then, he bursts out laughing. He doesn't even know why: the laughter spreads throughout his whole body just like nostalgia does, it's in his every heartbeat and his every blood cells and it chases away every negative emotion he was feeling. Right now, he's euphoric, and it's all thanks to one Otogari Adonis, who didn't even try and seems a bit vexed by Koga's reaction.
"Adonis, that's your family. D'you think I'd fight Leon?"
Adonis slightly relaxes, but he's still on edge. "You say that because you fear no one, Oogami."
Koga opens his mouth to say, no, you're wrong but nothing comes out. Admitting he's not only this fierce wolf who never backs down from a challenge and never felt bad about himself would be difficult. Fear, he has learned, is a universal experience. Even the vampire bastard is struck by it sometimes, and Koga can now recognize this peculiar smile he wears on his face when he tries to hide his anguish. In his opinion, Adonis is better at hiding his fear than Sakuma-senpai — or maybe Koga has just found the key for Sakuma-senpai but has yet to unlock the door to Adonis' feelings.
"I fear I'm not up to the task. I'm an idol, y'know, if I disappoint my fans, I have no right to stay on stage, right?"
How many times has he said or thought, I'm an idol, I want to be an idol? Isn't that weird, when his dearest wish has always been to a musician? Life has brought him here, in the footsteps of Sakuma-senpai, and now he's so aware of some of his flaws. Of all the aspects of himself he can't erase, the abrasiveness of his tongue, the fire of his character, and he knows his fans won't mind, but not everyone looks for that harshness in an idol. They want to see what's hidden in his heart too, the vulnerabilities and the doubts and all the things that make him wish he was more like Sakuma-senpai. So all he can do is get better. Overcome each obstacle by the sheer force of his will.
None of these torments can be read on his face when he says, "But I guess I just have to believe in us."
-
The pain has lodged itself in his fingers and now refuses to leave. Koga ignores it as best as he can, but each gesture of his hand against the strings awakens a pang of heat. The pain pulses against his bones each time he bends his phalanges, but he won't stop. He's almost there: the sound he's always been looking for is within his reach, he just has to keep going.
Even if Adonis stares at him with a look of utter worry, Koga's not allowed to take a break now.
Every day, he sits in the same corner of the club room, and he stays long after the twins give up and go home. If he focuses on the guitar alone — if all he thinks about is the way it sings under his hands, if he forgets everything he doesn't need then it, somehow, works. When he can't grasp his thoughts anymore, he stops imagining what Sakuma-senpai (now that he offers him compliments more openly, Koga doesn't now to receive them, but he knows thinking about him is the best way to lose himself in the process).
Koga kind of likes his own sound, but it lacks the qualities he likes in Sakuma-senpai's, like the clarity of each note that makes his music sound like a solved puzzle. Koga's music is still a mystery, on the other hand, lacking refinement and completeness; no matter how hard he tries, he doesn't know how to channel his overflowing energy. Yes, he plays well. Playing well, however, is not enough when you belong to UNDEAD.
And it's not the first time he thinks Adonis, with his pretty face, is a distraction. He is, but in a good way. He doesn't come every evening, as he tries to take part in club activities. However, other days Adonis sits down next to him, and the room, when Koga doesn't play, is filled with a comfortable silence. Adonis could point out small mistakes, but Koga never asks. He won't grasp the essence of Koga's quest, won't get what he's looking for exactly, won't understand the burden Koga bears on his shoulder.
Koga likes the way Adonis holds his breath when Koga plays the guitar, as if the small whiff of air could bother him. He likes the way Adonis offers him simple compliments, too (plain you're doing great, and these words can't translate the entirety of his thoughts but to Koga, the whole world of music is contained in this gathering of sounds).
Adonis has lodged himself in his thoughts the same way the pain has become a part of his fingers, and now because of this distraction, Koga's music is changing too. It's becoming softer, more attentive. Still too energetic, of course, but he can tell Adonis' presence is soothing him. And it's not the same softness as Sakuma-senpai's, no; there's nothing in the vampire bastard that is able to display such tenderness. Sakuma-senpai loves like a fire, throwing himself at the person he loves with no care for their feelings. Koga's love, on the other end… He can tell, from the way his hands slide over the strings, that it's an annihilating, self-destructing kind of love.
But his tiredness weighs him down, and as he keeps making mistakes and mistakes — one an actual audience wouldn't notice unless they're knowledgeable about music. Adonis gets up from his seat, and the move surprises Koga, who stops playing.
"Oogami, it's time for you to take a break."
This is an order, not a suggestion, yet Koga replies: "No time for that."
Adonis sighs. His hands fall on the other's shoulder with the vivacity of lightning — he who always seems calm and patient has a terrible expression on his face. One of fear and distaste and apprehension.
Koga is not used to this kind of look.
So he yields. Puts his precious guitar down. "Then ya better entertain me, Adonis!"
They're alone in the club room, bathed in the dim light of the sunset (they should switch the light on but they're getting used to obscurity, it doesn't bother them anymore), and Koga stops everything just to enjoy Adonis' company. To hear whatever the other has to tell, to let him know, in a roundabout way, that he cares about him enough to follow his advice.
Even if Koga fails, there is one unwavering thing, a fact he should have learned about sooner: they're more than enough for each other.
3. an endless night
The setting sun has taken refuge behind the clouds, but the night has yet to come. The sky is pale, a mix of greyish streaks and pink reflections.
Adonis feels a few tugs of tiredness in his shoulders. Sitting at a desk for hours, trying to follow what his teachers are saying, is weirdly tiring; running after classes has done him good. But he can't pretend he's not relieved he can finally go back to the Starmony Dorm. He's becoming an undead, after all, and the day stretched long.
Oogami's feet hit the asphalt with aggressive energy. He would have outdistanced Adonis if the other wasn't used to his fast steps.
Oogami doesn't look at the sky; the beauty of the twilight landscape seems to glide over him like water. Sometimes his eyes are on Adonis. Most of the time, though, he looks straight ahead. He's the one who, at the end of the day, negligently grabbed his partner's arm and said "Let's go home together". And (because Adonis cherishes these moments together, and he wants to spend more time with Oogami than with anybody else) he said yes, ignoring the burn of Oogami's fingers against its exposed skin.
And now, Oogami seems too preoccupied to pay attention to him. But it's fine. Once they arrive at the dorms, their paths will diverge. Adonis will go to his room, and he'll probably be alone, save perhaps for Yuuki as he didn't have anything planned for the evening. Morisawa-senpai has stunt work to do so he won't be there. Ah, if he was sure he'd be alone, then he'd invite Oogami over. They have a concert together tonight, and they are supposed to grab a few moments of rest before the big time. Adonis believes Oogami's company would be relaxing, just like this walk in town is.
"This bastard of a teacher," Oogami suddenly grumbles, referring to Kunugi-sensei with the same lack of respect he shows when he's angry. Adonis knows, however, that it doesn't mean Oogami isn't polite.
The complaint breaks the bubble of silence that was surrounding them — even though the street is filled with the noises of the car and the chats of the other passers-by, but to Adonis' ears, there was only void and quiet before Oogami spoke out. "We're all goin' to be busy, why is he giving us so much homework! And his Even if you're an idol and can miss school, please do not neglect your studies if you want to graduate, like you need a high school diploma to get by in life!"
He complains because Adonis is one of the few who will listen, even if it's trivial and he will forget about it tomorrow. Adonis likes this complicity, too. It's one of the things he's enjoying the most, another thing being the short physical distance between him and Oogami. He doesn't remember when, exactly, it has lowered down to nothing, but now, when they come home together, they're close enough that their arms brush against each other, and none of them even minds. It just dawned on him, one day, when he felt the hem of Oogami's sleeve against his elbow and then they were skin against skin for two whole seconds and Oogami didn't say anything, and he didn't back down either.
Oogami grumbles for a few minutes. Then, suddenly, he says: "Woa, Adonis, what's wrong with your hand?"
Adonis is used to being called by his first name by Oogami, but it still takes him by surprise. He just didn't expect it, not when Oogami was talking about Kunugi-sensei, and he hasn't even looked at him for the whole walk home. But suddenly his eyes are all on him, noticing the smallest of the small things — a single line of red that doesn't hurt, on the back of his hand, and he runs his thumb over the wound. "Tenma bumped into me this afternoon and I scratched my hand. It's nothing serious."
Oogami stares at him. It feels weird: Adonis is usually the one who tells the other to take care, to be cautious, but this time Oogami stares and Adonis wants to self-combust. "Yeah, I ain't blind. But you should be careful. If you get injured because of your club, Sakuma-senpai's gonna eat you alive."
Here's the thing, with Oogami: sometimes, it's easier for him to talk about Sakuma-senpai's reaction rather than his own feelings.
Adonis smiles. It's nothing, only a small show of casual affection. He has to remind himself that it means nothing. But this nothingness snowballs into an uncontrollable warmth, the desire to stay longer by Oogami's side, and suddenly he finds the courage to ask: "Do you want to come over?"
-
Adonis' enemy is not the audience looking at him. This would be weird: he's here to entertain them, and he doesn't fear their disappointment. Not when he worked so hard to earn the right to stand in front of them.
His enemy isn't Oogami either; sharing the same stage means more, you're sharing the same fate, you're comrades in arms. You need to trust each other.
The enemy is none other than himself: the doubts he has always concealed but could resurface at the worst timing. But his past failures forced him to learn how to go back on your feet even if you miss. On stage, many mishaps may happen, and it's up to him to face them with the same unwavering will. That's what it means, to be strong.
The night has finally fallen, although it's not possible to see it from the stage of the underground where the two are performing tonight. The hushed atmosphere of the place doesn't let in any rays from the street lamps; here, everything is artificial light in the form of a constellation, and Adonis has learned not to look at the spotlights; here, each corner of shade offers shelter for those who want to see without being seen. An idol, he recalls, is an image, what stands at the center, an offering to others.
That's why they're standing here, on the small stage of the underground live house. Tonight it's just Oogami and him; for once, even the ghosts of Sakuma-senpai and Hakaze-senpai didn't chase them. They could be there, hidden in the black corners Adonis can't see. But UNDEAD tonight is only the two of them, and it feels good.
This was Oogami's idea, coming from a simple let's perform together. Adonis was charmed — by him — by the prospect of the duet they could form. If UNDEAD is like a home, then Oogami represents something else, another dream he has yet to pursue. It is only now, as he sings with all his heart, that he understands what he wants. A company that won't leave him, not even when the stage lights go out and the concert is done and they're done changing. Going home together, sleeping in the same bed afterward; or going out together, keeping on dancing and singing until they're too tired to continue, voice extinct and limbs in pain, whatever Oogami wants, as long as they stay together. Drunk with the euphoria of his performance, he wonders, why didn't I understand it sooner.
They don't look at each other but Oogami is everywhere, on every face Adonis can discern in the semi-darkness. For there is only him, in the depths of Adonis' heart: they may sing for an audience, but they both know the truth. UNDEAD's words, full of honey and temptation, are addressed first and foremost to each other.
The desire to sleep is driven out by adrenaline; their nerves set on fire, this is one of their best nights. And later, Sakuma-senpai will add, their best duo performance, that one time they exposed their raw feelings of love with the sheer force of those who aren't scared of anything.