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It was always like this. Looking for warmth deep into the night. Getting lost in the feeling buried deep as the sun hovers above, only to be dug up every night as the moon watches. A cycle of repressing emotions and opening up, yet the words never reached the person in mind.
Like a silent scream into the void, the flower blooms the prettiest when nobody's looking, and withers immediately at the hint of light.
Youngjo believed he was an open book. For everyone to see, for everyone to judge. But he never really cared about what they thought unless they're people special to him. He lets himself go with the flow of life, his quick mind often saving him at times he makes not-so-wise decisions.
He doesn't remember when and how he met Hwanwoong, but he was sure it was during one of their friends' parties. Hwanwoong would just stay with the people he knew and didn't bother to meet new people.
Since then, Hwanwoong was just someone Youngjo thought was cute, even telling his friends immediately afterwards, and that's when he learned his name— unusual, but suited him anyway. His reasoning was he's just cute.
They had mutual acquaintances, just enough to run into each other at times. They never talked. They're surrounded by forces that brought them together but kept them apart— their own circle of friends.
Hwanwoong was charming, the more Youngjo saw him. Mostly stuck to the one person closest to him. All Youngjo could do was stare at him, watching how he'd scan the room once in a while and that's when Youngjo would divert his gaze. Perhaps it was just wishful thinking, but he'd feel Hwanwoong's eyes linger a little on him before looking down again.
Youngjo knew nothing about Hwanwoong, expect for the way the guy made him feel. Youngjo would feel giddy, like a child being hinted of being given a gift, except the gift was just seeing Hwanwoong be in the same room as him.
Nothing was wrong about it but that's what Youngjo felt. Being so near to a person he liked but never dared to make a move. Hwanwoong was a stranger, and he is, too. They weren't even in the same department.
Youngjo wished they could accidentally meet without anyone else's presence. Maybe he'd have the courage to walk up to him. But it never happened.
It's been months and his friends would never stop teasing him about it.
"Just talk to him," across him, Seoho sat.
"We don't have anything to talk about." Youngjo stuffed food in his mouth.
It would be weird to talk to him now. He won't have any reason to talk to Hwanwoong but being interested in him.
"Then just tell him how you feel." Seoho interjects.
"Never going to happen." Youngjo looks at him through his eyelashes.
"You keep posting quotes directed at him." Seoho almost scampered away when Youngjo straightened his posture.
"He doesn't have to know and I'm fine like this."
The thing about it, Youngjo is never seeking anything. He liked the way Hwanwoong made him feel and that's it. The people around him interpret him way differently. He didn't want to handle relationships. He had no time for relationships, or at least didn't want to exert the effort for one when his mind is always in tangles. Or maybe he was just scared. Scared to be misunderstood. Scared that his silence speaks a different language than he wanted to put out.
"It's not that deep, anyway"
He knew himself better than everyone else. He knew this was temporary. It always had been. Dumping people here and there after he was tired of them and never talking to them. None of his friends knew this. He'll just tell them it didn't work between the two of them.
Growing up, he realized how wrong it was. So he kept everything to himself. But there will always be that whisper, telling him to do it, that wanted it that he will be happy afterwards.
But he always shut it down. Keeping it away. Instead, he'd write about it. He'll tell the whole world about it. The whole world, except specifying the person it pertains to. He wrote open letters, disguising them as artistic impulses that needed to get out of his head. It was stupid. He shouldn't meddle with Hwanwoong's life and leave him in the end. Nobody deserved that. It was unfair.
He has thought about it, too. That he wasn't in love with Hwanwoong. He liked the version of Hwanwoong he formed in his mind. He liked imagining scenarios where they talk just about anything under the night sky. He accepted it. Hwanwoong was just a drive he liked because it kept his artistic side going. Hwanwoong was a mere instrument in his mind that inspires him. He doesn't want anything to do with him because that isn't how he felt.
But that was never the case whenever he saw him. He wanted to let Hwanwoong know that he was there if he ever needed anyone. He was there and he believed in him when no one else would. He wanted to tell Hwanwoong that there was someone out there that liked him for being who he is. But in his mind, it was dumb. It was dumb to give someone false hope (even though he won't be lying when he said those things).
It was complicated.
Youngjo's mind was clouded by thoughts about Hwanwoong almost every night, but he'd have no feelings about him the next morning. It was loneliness that kept him wanting Hwanwoong for him. That was why he never inserted himself in the other's life. It will be selfish to do so.
So he kept it this way. He and Hwanwoong, separated by forces he would never want to tear apart. Just him and his own thoughts keeping him awake at night.
Some nights he dreams of Hwanwoong. He dreams of everything they couldn't ever be. He would dream of holding him close, kissing his lips, sharing a moment only they would know. But it's all a product of his desire to not be lonely.
Youngjo claims he isn't lonely. To be fair, he's satisfied with the life he has. Satisfied being alone and hanging out with his friends once in a while. He spends most of his time with self-fulfilling activities; creating music, writing lyrics, doing art, even studying things he found interesting. But there's just something about how cold the night breeze could be. It hits him straight to his hollow heart, hollow of a space none of his hobbies could ever fill. A space yearning for someone. Yet, he tells himself he didn't need it. He stood by his words for years and wouldn't change just like that.
So he stayed like that. Admiring everything he thought what Hwanwoong was like.
It was a few minutes until new year. Youngjo stayed with his parents to celebrate, and so did all his friends.
"Should I greet him?" Youngjo sent the message to Keonhee. The guy had always been pushy and would encourage Youngjo to make a move, but most of the time he was just there to react whenever Youngjo talked about Hwanwoong.
"OH- YOU SHOULD! TELL ME WHEN HE RESPONDS!" Keonhee replied.
Youngjo chuckled at the message. Keonhee had always been snoopy but he didn't hate it about his friend. He liked that Keonhee was interested in this.
"I'll do it." He plainly replied again, locking his phone and looking at the blank screen.
January 1, says the lockscreen.
Youngjo opened his phone, the screen bringing him directly in Hwanwoong's inbox with a draft written:
"And yet here I am once again, proclaiming my love for you, writing words that will never reach you. Maybe you always had a clue, maybe you just diminish those clues.
Here I am again, writing a message that will end up in the drafts or even be deleted later.
Maybe the coffee I've been drinking reached my bloodstream already and I'm in a caffeine rush that's why I'm writing again. I just want you to know how much I like you."
Youngjo smiles at his message as he taps erase repeatedly, each letter discarded, until the entire message vanished without a trace. Instead, he types a simple happy new year with the confetti emoji, that's it.
He takes a screenshot that he sent the message and sends it to Keonhee. His friend replied, reaction a little too enthusiastic about it.
Youngjo wished he could've just been honest. But what good would it bring? He didn't want Hwanwoong to just be another tragic love story, if there is even love involved here.
The thoughts in his head were making him miserable. He felt like he needed to stop. So, he made a rushed decision to ignore the message he just received from Hwanwoong, which only said 'happy new year', even going as far as muting him, telling himself that this was it, he will stop the one-sided feelings he has for the guy.
All impulses to check on his message with Hwanwoong were successfully diminished, though he kept posting poems clearly directed at Hwanwoong. Youngjo doesn't know if Hwanwoong even sees his poems or even reads them. Maybe the other will get a clue if he looked through them enough. But then, the poems were too vague, too general. They seemed like any other shared art. Lost in the sea of romance content floating around the internet. Maybe no one even thinks that Youngjo's poems are for someone.
Fate plays alongside Youngjo most of the time. Everything is in favour of his thoughts. But sometimes, fate plays against him, and this is one of those days.
Going back to the university for the upcoming semester, Youngjo took an 8-hour bus ride. He liked long rides. A person has no responsibility to do when he's travelling. It was like a long 2am vibe, but in the afternoon. Yet, here fate plays.
The first stop happens, Hwanwoong gets on the bus.
Ah, we live in the same province. Youngjo thought.
Hwanwoong must have recognized him because he sat beside him. Youngjo kept his eyes out the window, ignoring how loud his heart was pumping right now. It was stupid. He curses fate in his head.
They sat in silence as the bus ride continued.
Youngjo stared at the view outside, the familiar road going away from home, the surroundings losing their familiarity as the ride goes on. He could see Hwanwoong playing on his phone by his peripherals. He wanted to talk to him. This was his chance. But he felt that this wasn't for him. This isn't about him. This isn't his seed to romance. They were just strangers encased in a moving vehicle with only the same destination.
Whatever Youngjo was telling himself, his body wasn't following. He took out his phone and absentmindedly went to check the last exchange he had with Hwanwoong; the new year message, which was just a few days ago.
To his surprise, there is more than just a greeting. There were three more extra messages after the 'happy new year'.
I actually have something to say to you.
I see your poems everytime and I just think they're really beautiful.
Also, I would like to get to know you.
Youngjo couldn't believe it. It felt like a dream, more like a nightmare. This couldn't be happening. It isn't supposed to happen. Yet, here he is, at the hands of fate inside a bus ride with the very person he liked and now he knew that wanted to know him.
He discreetly pulled hard on his sideburns.
This is real. This isn't a dream.
As stupid as it sounds, he took a screenshot of the messages to be sent to Keonhee, asking what would he do and that very predicament he is in now, but he decided against it. He shouldn't bring his friend into this. He should decide himself.
But all of this was unexpected. He had no plans, no excuse, no nothing.
He took a few deep breaths and quenched his growing thirst.
If Hwanwoong took his lack of reply as he was not interested, then Youngjo won't initiate anything, he will pretend that Hwanwoong doesn't exist beside him. He'll ignore his presence. But if Hwanwoong asked again (Youngjo believes that there's a very low chance he'd try again), he would be completely honest with him. Even if it meant telling Hwanwoong that he is the muse in every poem he wrote, that he had his eyes on Hwanwoong since the first time he saw him, that Hwanwoong kept him up at night-
"Hey."
...
Youngjo was pulled out of his thoughts. He automatically looked beside him. Did Hwanwoong just call him? He wasn't even sure that the 'hey' was for him and he's already looking at him.
"Me?" Youngjo asked dumbly, pointing at himself.
Hwanwoong took a deep breath before talking again. "Have you seen my messages? I'm sorry to ask so sudden, but I'm just- I really like your poems. I'm a fan of great words." Hwanwoong was fiddling with his fingers on his lap, Youngjo noticed, but Hwanwoong was looking directly at him.
"Oh. I'm sorry. I greeted so many people during the new year. Yours must've been buried."
Lies. He muted Hwanwoong's contact.
"What did you say in the message?" Youngjo felt tense. He did see the messages already.
"I just wanted to know you more, that's all. You're one of Keonhee's friends and Keonhee is really nice and I just thought that you're nice too, since you're friends with him. Am I blabbering now? I'm sorry I'm blabbering nonsense." Hwanwoong avoided his gaze and fixed his sitting position.
Adorable. Youngjo thought. He didn't expect Hwanwoong would be this type of shy. The guy seemed chill every time he saw him.
"What would you do if-," Youngjo started, Hwanwoong side eyed him. "Wait no- What about my poems do you like?"
Maybe it was the passing lights but Youngjo saw a twinkle in Hwanwoong's eyes. It sent tingles down his spine. Hwanwoong was even more beautiful up close. His lashes weren't curled but he could see them fluttering whenever the younger blinks, thanks to his taller figure.
"I just think they're sweet. Sometimes tragic. But definitely beautiful. Who- or maybe what was your inspiration? I'm sorry, I'm so nosy. You don't need to answer that." Hwanwoong was once again focused on his hand.
Youngjo noted his behavior. Apologetic and speaks his mind a little too quickly.
Youngjo wanted to confess. Having Hwanwoong right beside him changes so many feelings. He was definitely nervous, but his admiration to Hwanwoong only grew, empowering his nervousness. He liked Hwanwoong's presence.
"You know the person." Youngjo plainly said.
"I do? Really? Who? Are they at the university too? I'm sorry for asking so many quest-"
"It's you."
...
The bus ride was smooth. The scenery outside passing by quicker than their minds processed the words just dropped. The inside of the bus felt awfully quiet. Youngjo's senses betraying him, his mind saying that Hwanwoong could hear how hard his heart was pounding right now. He just said it. Hwanwoong was the inspiration of his love notes, although Hwanwoong didn't seem to process it yet.
"I- what?" Hwanwoong's eyes were wide open, brows crossed, a hand on his chest.
"Yes, you. It wasn't much of a story, but yes, it's you I liked you for a while now."
This was definitely unromantic. Youngjo wasn't sure where the courage came from but it must have been the way Hwanwoong's lips slightly pout when he keeps a neutral expression, or maybe it's the fact that Hwanwoong approached him first that got him feeling the need to reciprocate that courage.
Hwanwoong wasn't looking at him anymore. He kept his eyes on his lap as the ride went on.
"I'm sorry. Was this too sudden?" Youngjo scooted further away towards the window to put more space in between them. He looked outside again, waiting for Hwanqoong's response.
"Yes—no—maybe—I'm just shocked. I didn't expect this. I don't know what to say." Hwanwoong muttered, his face and ears flushed red.
They still have a few more hours before they reach their destination, but the awkwardness of the sudden confession engulfs the two of them unknowingly to everyone else in the vehicle.
Should he ask Hwanwoong out?
"Hwanwoong-" "Youngjo."
"You go first."
Youngjo let out a chuckle.
"Would you want to go out with me?" Youngjo looked at Hwanwoong, observing his reactions. Hwanwoong looked at him back, lips forming a smile.
"I was going to ask the same thing." Hwanwoong covered his mouth as he smiled wider. Youngjo wanted to hold him so much, but it would be weird to do so.
"So I guess this is the part that we get to know each other better?" Youngjo suggested.
Being with Hwanwoong surrounds him with a great atmosphere. Youngjo felt like the ride only contained them and they're right up with the clouds.
Their conversation flowed naturally. From talking about their own families and university life, to more confessions. Youngjo came clean with when he started liking Hwanwoong, telling him that despite the lack of information he knew about Hwanwoong, he continued to admire him from afar because of how cute he is, which made Hwanwoong a blushing mess.
Hwanwoong asked him about the poems and how he came into writing them. Youngjo, of course, didn't tell him that it was of loneliness, but only said that some of those are things that he wanted to tell him but haven't had the will to do so.
Words come flooding into Youngjo's mind whenever he feels overwhelmed by his surroundings. Without a distraction from it, he would drown, and it's the thing he hated the most. So he used Hwanwoong as an escape. He used Hwanwoong as a means to divert his attention to the nonstop spew of his mind that drove him crazy during some nights. But, then, again, Hwanwoong didn't need to know the dark side of it. Maybe if this worked out, he will tell him.
For now, he'll enjoy Hwanwoong's company. He'll enjoy how Hwanwoong's arm would brush against his whenever the younger laughed a little loud. Hwanwoong laughed with his upper body, Youngjo noticed, his shoulders would rise and he'd shake, and then fan himself with his hand. It was adorable.
Time feels a little slower when you're with someone you like, but when it stops, the time feels too little, too restrained, too short. That's what Youngjo felt when the bus came to a halt, announcing that it was the second to last stop.
Hwanwoong doesn't stay far from the apartment he was staying in. The two of them exchanged addresses and contacts (Yougjo just had to unmute Hwanwoong's account).
The bus soon reached its final stop and they got off of it. It's already almost 11pm and the two of them still had to hitch a taxi ride to their respective apartments, but this stop is where they part.
"So, I'll see you on campus next week?" Hwanwoong said, his eyes showing signs of hopefulness.
"I'll take you out before classes start again." Youngjo stated. He had it planned already as they conversed in the bus. He puts a hand on Hwanwoong's head, patting him. Hwanwoong malfunctioned a little before being able to reply again.
"Well, I'll see you then. Thank you Youngjo." A taxi stops in front of them. Youngjo let Hwanwoong ride first.
"Text me when you come home safe. Take care." He waved goodbye at Hwanwoong, flashing him a genuine smile.
The taxi Hwanwoong rode left and he was alone once again, but he felt euphoric. Nothing could even get him out of his mood this way. He just had the best night ever, spent with Hwanwoong in a bus, confessing his feelings, getting a date with him. This still feels like a dream to him. He is definitely telling Keonhee about this when he gets to their shated apartment.
A taxi soon stopped in front of him and he got on.
"To RV Apartments." Youngjo says.
The driver turned around to him as he got comfortable in his seat.
"Keonhee? What are you doing here? Why are you driving a taxi?" Youngjo was confused. Keonhee was supposed to be in the apartment they shared. Why was his friend in here?
"Hyung. The sun is up."
Those were the last words he heard from his friend before a bright light flashed in his eyes, almost blinding him.
He jolted awake from his sleep.
Youngjo's mother opened the blinds in his room, the sun shone on his face.
Youngjo groaned while searching for his phone on the bed with his eyes closed. When he got a hold of his phone, he checked the time. 10:38 am. 2021, January 1.
He immediately went to check his message, going through the muted contacts. A message from Hwanwoong popped up. Just a plain happy new year, sent a few seconds after he sent his own greeting.
Youngjo threw the phone beside him, hands brushing his hair.
It was all a dream.
He knew it was too good to be true. His dreams about Hwanwoong always felt too real.
He took his phone again and opened his notes.
I met you in my dreams once again. I guess I just wanted to be with you so bad. But I know that's not true. I know this is temporary. You're just a subject to fill my loneliness, to fill the emptiness I have to face every night. You drive me insane, yet, you keep me sane everyday. I said I would stop. I know I will stop. But not today, maybe not next week, nor next month. But I will. I'll forget about you and these feelings and you will never have a clue. I don't think I love you. I have no reason to be in love with you. But what do I call this attraction I keep feeling for you? The longing I keep having? The cravings for affections from you?
Maybe I love you in a different way. But I'm a coward, I admit that now. You deserve the peace you have right now and I don't want to disrupt that. Maybe I'll move on. I'll see where this road takes me and I hope it's away from you. Maybe I'll continue to love you silently.
So long, Heart Wreck.
Once again, he wrote it in Hwanwoong's inbox. It was risky, he could accidentally hit the send button but it had never happened. Youngjo believes he'll never accidentally hit send. But never he thought that fate was actually playing with him.
Youngjo's mother called him so loud that she startled him, making him hold his phone tightly with both hands. He locked his phone and went downstairs to his mother.
Somewhere in the room, fate smiles.
Read. 10:43 am.