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James woke up slowly, warm and comfortable. He luxuriated in the feeling of being well-rested, nuzzling against the warm fabric pressed against his face, hovering in between sleep and wakefulness in a way he hadn’t experienced in a long time.
It wasn’t until he went to stretch that he realized that his right arm was trapped. He blinked his eyes open, confused, and realized the thing his arm was trapped under was Tony. Awareness came back to him suddenly, and he realized he was sprawled across the other man’s lap, right arm wrapped around his waist and face buried in his t-shirt covered stomach.
James flushed, embarrassed, and peered up at Tony, who was looking down at him indulgently.
“Hey there, Bucky bear. Sleep well?”
James nodded, yawning and stretching like a cat, careful not to disrupt the arm around him. “Uh-huh. ‘M big again.”
At his own words he realized it was true. He was back to his usual adult headspace after spending his first play date with Tony, coloring and watching cartoons. The shame came rushing back, not for the things he’d done when little, but for the fact that he was big again and yet he still didn’t want to move. Tony had agreed to cuddle with his adorable five year old self, not—
“Hey, stop that.” Tony flicked him gently in between his eyebrows. James glared (it was probably closer to a pout, but he wasn’t going to admit that to himself). “Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about, I can practically smell the self hatred spiral on you. You deserve all the love and affection, big or little. Now are we going to have to have a Conversation,” James could hear the capital letter, “or can I just cuddle the shit out of you and call it a day?”
He really didn’t want to have that Conversation. “Cuddle, please.”
“Anything for you, Freezie Pop.”
James stared up at this ridiculous man who was grinning his head off, who had just read him like an open book, who had taken care of him even after all he’d done, and his stomach swooped.
The only thought that passed through his mind was oh.
~~~
It was that moment, he reflected sometime later, that he started down the long, inevitable path of falling head over heels in love with Tony Stark.
~~~
James knew what this was, what these feelings were, almost immediately. He’d spent too many hours with his therapist working out how to identify his emotions not to. Dr. Nelson always said that to properly address whatever was going on in his head, he had to put it to words first. It had been difficult, mentally exhausting work at first, but now that the habit was there there was no stopping it.
All that’s to say it didn’t take him all that long to figure out he was falling. Didn’t mean he was going to do anything about it, though.
Tony might be his Daddy, but they were only barely friends. Late night post-nightmare camaraderie and shared father-related trauma did not a relationship make. They barely knew each other, even if James could tell that Tony was the kind of man he could love, and likely would love barring some disaster (hey, never let it be said that James didn’t know himself. Tiny little troublemaker with a heart of gold who doesn’t know the meaning of the word “impossible”? Sounds just like his type.). And once they got to know each other, who’s to say Tony would even be interested? “Ex-assassin/super soldier who sometimes likes to act like a three-year-old” wasn’t exactly what most people would consider a catch. Definitely not worthy of a man as incredible as Tony.
James shook off those maudlin thoughts. There was no point dwelling on what the future might hold, and even less point in stewing in self-hatred. He’d deal with all that as it came. The fall was inevitable, he might as well enjoy the ride.
~~~
The first time James brought Tony food, he didn’t even think about it. He’d slept through dinner after an intense therapy session followed by an even more intense workout, so when he woke up around midnight, he was starved.
He enjoyed cooking, but he was used to cooking for the small army that was the Avengers, so by the time he was finished, he still had a good amount of food left. He moved to start rummaging through the cabinets for tupperware, but paused with his hand on the handle, an idea forming.
“Hey JARVIS?” He called tentatively, still unused to addressing the seemingly omnipresent AI.
“Yes, Mr. Barnes?” The AI responded. James managed not to jump; he’d finally managed to kick that habit only a couple weeks ago, thank god. Tony was kind enough not to mock him for it, but that didn’t make it any less embarrassing.
“Is Tony up? And do you think he’d like some food?”
“Indeed he is, he’s down in the lab. And yes, I do believe Sir would appreciate you bringing some of your meal, as he has yet to consume anything other than coffee in 19 hours.” JARVIS somehow injected some bitterness and frustration into his tone, and once again James had to marvel at just how lifelike JARVIS really was. Then the words registered.
“19 hours? Jesus, Tony.” Immediately, James resumed rummaging, looking for the proper utensils to plate up the meal he’d made. “I figure you’ve been bugging him about it, but you don’t have any way to make him listen, huh?”
“He muted me in the workshop around hour 12, and I’m not allowed to contact anyone regarding his well-being unless he is actively in danger.”
“How were you able to tell me, then?” James loved the AI’s resourcefulness in getting around direct commands when it came to his not-father’s well-being.
“You asked.” The smug satisfaction was clear in JARVIS’s voice.
“And that’s all it took? I guess he never told you to hide it, just that you couldn’t be the one to reach out… does this happen often?”
“Yes, Mr. Barnes. Sir locks himself in his lab for a days-long inventing binge at least once a month, wherein he eats naught more than coffee and protein bars. He skips meals more often however, up to several times a week.”
“And you couldn’t just inform me of when he goes a certain amount of time without food? Any order I give is superseded by his obviously…” the last part was mumbled as James tried to muddle around Tony’s standing orders to his AI, but JARVIS still piped up to confirm.
“No, Mr. Barnes.”
“But you can inform me if I ask. So I’d just need to regularly ask when Tony last ate. Simple, really. Wait, could you remind me to ask?”
“Yes Mr. Barnes, that falls within my purview.”
“Alright, sounds good. Remind me every morning to check up on whether Tony has eaten, please.” James nodded decisively and marched to the elevator with a plate in one hand and a glass of lemonade in the other. JARVIS opened the door obligingly.
It was only after arriving at Tony’s workshop that he remembered to be self-conscious. What if he doesn’t like it? What if he isn’t hungry? What if-
His spiraling thoughts were cut off by the elevator arriving, and he stepped hesitantly into the ‘shop. JARVIS lowered the volume of the music as he always did when James visited the man down here, and Tony scrunched his nose in adorable confusion and raised his head in response. The other man’s eyes automatically went to the door, and his smile in response to seeing James standing there was enough to light up the room, eyes shining with excitement and mirth. James felt his heart skip a beat.
“Terminator! And you brought food! Any chance you could share that with me?” Tony did his best impression of puppy dog eyes, and James chuckled.
“I can’t tell if you’re so excited to see me or the food,” he said as he placed the plate down on the workbench and nudged it towards the genius.
“Why can’t it be both?” Tony grinned, somehow managing to look devious and innocent at the same time as he grabbed for the fork and started shoveling pasta into his mouth.
James just huffed, fondly exasperated, and watched the man eat his pasta.
Around halfway through the plate, Tony glanced up and frowned. He went to speak before thinking better of it and chewing and swallowing what was in his mouth. Once his mouth was clear, he spoke.
“Aren’t you going to eat? I don’t wanna steal your dinner…” Tony tried to nudge the plate back in his direction, but James waved him off.
“I already ate. Brought this down for you.”
Instead of the grateful smile he was expecting, Tony’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “You did? Did we make plans to eat together? ‘Cause I don’t remember doing that, but that means nothing knowing my general me-ness, so—“
James held up his hand to silence Tony’s stream of babble. “Nah, nothing like that. I just made extra and thought you’d appreciate it, s’all.”
“Well, uh, I do, so... thanks.” Tony shot him a small smile and went back to eating. James could tell something was still wrong, but he didn’t want to push the other man, so they sat in silence for several long moments.
“Look,” Tony started, putting down his fork suddenly, “you don’t owe me anything. You know that, right? Not for housing you, or feeding you, or forgiving you, and definitely not for the little stuff. So if this is some kind of repayment for any of that, I don’t want it.” He pushed the mostly empty plate away from him, even as he stared longingly at it as he did so. “I told you, I—“
“Tony.” James rested a hand on the man’s upper arm, getting him to look him in the eye. “Anthony Edward Stark, you are my friend. The reason I did this for you is because that’s what friends do. We take care of each other, yeah? You’ve been taking care of me, and now I’m gonna take care of you. Not ‘cause I owe ya, or I expect you to do something for me later, because I care about you. Got it?”
Tony nodded mutely, wide-eyed. Then the smallest, most hopeful smile James had ever seen broke out across his face. He nodded once again, just a little dip of his head, and said, “yeah, Jay, I think I do.”
As Tony busied himself by stuffing his face, a faint pink tinge dusting his cheeks, James thought that there was little in this world he wouldn’t do to protect that smile.
Friends. He’d told Tony friends, and he was going to stick to that. The fact that he stood on the precipice, just waiting for the push that made him tip over into love, didn’t matter in the least.
Maybe if he thought it enough, he could convince himself.
~~~
The first time Jamie (that was his name when he was small, James was way too grown-up-ish) told his Daddy no, he only just managed not to start spiraling.
It only slipped out because he was overtired and grumpy. He hadn’t been sleeping well, too many nightmares, and that was clearly reflected in his little self. So when his Daddy switched off the TV and declared it to be naptime, Jamie pouted and shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest defiantly.
“No. I don’ wanna.”
It took him a second to realize what he’d said, but when he did, he froze, staring wide-eyed up at his Daddy. He knew Daddy wouldn’t hurt him, of course he did, his Daddy loved him lots and lots, but he couldn’t help it.
But Daddy didn’t seem to react at all! He smiled and agreed, saying, “alright, no naptime. You’re the boss, little man. But can I suggest an idea for what we should do instead?”
Jamie eyed him, suspicious. Was he really just gonna let it go? But he was curious, too. Daddy usually had the best ideas, and he wanted to hear what he had to say, so he nodded.
Daddy beamed, and pulled out a thick book from somewhere. “I found this collection of Dr. Seuss stories, and I was thinking I could read a couple of them to you? Then, if you’re still not sleepy we can find something else to do, how’s that sound?”
Jamie considered. It sounded pretty good, actually. Dr. Seuss was his favorite, after all, and storytime always came with cuddles too. Decided, he nodded once more, pulling his Daddy down next to him and arranging them so he was reclined against his Daddy’s chest, the arms holding the book encircling him so they could both see. Perfect book reading position, he thought with great satisfaction.
“Yertle the Turtle and Other Stories, by Dr. Seuss.” Daddy began.
Jamie didn’t make it halfway through the first story before he was fast asleep.
~~~
Jamie woke up a while later, refreshed and brimming with energy, still little. He was excited to play!
So when Daddy suggested Legos, he almost said yes right away. But then he paused, thinking. Daddy hadn’t gotten mad when he said no earlier. But what about now?
“No.” he said, shaking his head.He was still a little bit afraid, but it was less this time.
“Not really feeling Legos today, champ? What about trucks? We could make a racetrack!”
“Nope.” Jamie started to smile. Hey, this was kinda fun!
“Tea party? I don’t think we’ve played that yet.”
“Nu-uh.” He was all-out grinning by then.
And on it went. Jamie nixed maybe five more activities before deciding on finger painting, which had been option number four. Snacktime yielded similar results, Daddy listing off pretty much every item in the fridge twice, even the silly non-snack ones like raw chicken, before Jamie picked something. It got boring after a while, but Jamie played the “no” game on-and-off for hours, and Daddy didn’t get upset! He pretended to be upset sometimes, but Jamie knew when he was joking so that was okay. His Daddy was the best Daddy!
Eventually he collapsed back on the couch and got big again. Coming back up out of littlespace was weird when he didn’t go to sleep in between, but James managed. The strange, fuzzy feeling of having one foot in one headspace and one foot in the other definitely wasn’t the worst thing he’d ever experienced. Not by a long shot, he thought, chuckling ruefully. Still, it was disorienting.
“Feeling big again, snowflake?” James looked over at Tony, who was smiling teasingly at him from the armchair.
He sat up, stretching, not tired just yet but relaxed. “How could you tell?”
“Little you never makes sounds that could be described as ‘rueful’. What was that laugh about?”
James waved him off. “Just thinking, is all. Nothing to take to the therapist.”
They sat in companionable silence for a couple moments longer before James glanced over at the other man. “Hey, thanks for putting up with the whole ‘no’ thing. It must have been frustrating, but you were a good sport.” James gave him a lopsided smile before moving to wander off to find something to eat.
But Tony wasn’t letting him go just yet. “James.” he said, a serious look on his face. Oh hell, no nickname. That never boded well, big or little. “I didn’t ‘put up with’ anything. I was having just as much fun as you were. Didn’t you notice that I never asked you what you wanted instead, no matter how many times you said no?”
Oh. He hadn’t noticed that, actually, too caught up in his own fun. But looking back on it, Tony was clearly egging him on, giving ridiculous suggestions just to make him giggle.
“Really, it took some serious mental fortitude to not sweep you off of your feet, metaphorically of course you’re heavy as hell, and pepper your face with kisses while I told you how proud I was of you that first time you said it. Thought it’d be counterproductive. But seriously, I was super happy for you.”
“Why?” James thought he knew, but he wanted Tony to explain for himself.
“Traumatized people, kids especially, have trouble saying no. And you’re like, super-mega-ultra traumatized. I know that’s an issue you’ve been working on with your therapist, but your little self was created to shield you from trauma, so you telling me no, you making a game out of telling me no over and over? That’s a big step.”
There was a pause, James taking it in, both the words themselves and the tone that made it perfectly clear just how much the other man cared. And then Tony grinned, cutting the serious mood. “Plus, you’re so cute when you’re grumpy. You being all petulant like that with your arms crossed and everything.” he dramatically flung a hand over his heart. “It was almost too much for this old man to take.”
James shoved him, rolling his eyes. “Technically I’m older than you, you know.”
“Chronologically yes, but physically I’m older.”
“That doesn’t even make any sense.”
They bickered with relish, moment of sincerity forgotten.
~~~
Or, not forgotten, just put aside for the moment, James reflected later. Just another piece of evidence to throw onto the pile inside his brain labelled “Reasons to Love Tony Stark”. It was getting to be a pretty big pile.
He realized he needed to make friends. There was a good chance that he was latching onto Tony as the first non-Steve person to treat him with compassion in 70 years, and that’s not a good basis for a relationship, of any kind really.
When he told Dr. Nelson this, she agreed wholeheartedly, praising him for coming to those conclusions on his own. “It’s not unhealthy where it currently stands, but it does have the potential to become so. As long as you work on keeping it healthy, though, you should be good.”
Dr. Nelson recommended some groups, some support groups for veterans and some normal, civilian groups that she thought he’d enjoy. He’d thanked her and left, privately thinking to himself that he couldn’t imagine going to any of the civvie ones.
~~~
James was pretty sure he’d never been more wrong about anything in his life.
The veteran support group was terrible. He had nothing in common with the men there besides a case of PTSD and knowing how to shoot a gun. Being surrounded by military men had him paranoid, and the way they talked about war as if they missed it only made it worse. James knew they missed being useful and the innocence they had, but it still rubbed him the wrong way to hear them talk about death and destruction with such fondness.
When he finally bucked up enough nerve to go to a civvie event, he got so overwhelmed at the choices he just closed his eyes and pointed randomly, landing on a knitting circle of all things.
That first meeting was the most awkward he’d felt since the 40’s, but not in a bad way, if that made sense. It was a normal sort of awkward, the kind that everyone experienced from time to time, making James feel more normal himself. Still, he was expecting to be the odd one out, buying some needles and yarn and stumbling through his first attempts in some corner by himself, but that wasn’t what happened.
No, the women (because they were all women) of the circle took one look at him and collectively decided that he was a stray puppy in need of adoption.
He was promptly ushered into a spot, some needles and yarn deposited in his lap, and the basics were explained to him quickly and precisely. Once he had the general idea of it, it was down to business. He quickly learned that these were women with spines of steel who didn’t shy away from tough topics, but knew how to be empathic just as well as they knew how to kick ass. He felt like he was in a room full of Natalias, if the Red Room hadn’t twisted her as completely as it had. It was terrifying and exciting and he loved every second of it.
Not that all they talked about was doom and gloom. Most of it was a mix of gossip and technical talk that he couldn’t really keep up with, but he enjoyed listening to. It took him a couple meetings to begin chiming in when he wasn’t directly addressed, but once he did he was quickly incorporated into the group. It was great fun, and his knitting skills were improving quite rapidly.
Still, the more he settled into his new circle of friends, the more he knew his feelings for Tony were real and not the byproduct of his overly clingy mind.
...He wasn’t really sure what to do with that information.
He gave Tony his first project, a terribly ugly scarf. Tony wore it non-stop for a week.
~~~
The first time they fought, it was over something pointless. Tony had been stressed, overworking himself trying to reach some SI deadline while also working on repairs for half the team’s gear that had gotten damaged. He was sleep deprived and upset, and when James came down to coax him into eating something that wasn’t coffee, he lashed out.
James didn’t really like to think about what was said, but harsh words were exchanged on both sides before he stormed off to the shooting range to sulk, leaving Tony alone in his lab.
It took him about an hour of blasting holes in various targets with various weapons before the anger and hurt started to fade, leaving behind uncertainty. He wasn’t really mad at the genius, just worried. Was Tony mad at him? Had he crossed some line, failed some test? He knew Tony had a habit of pushing away the people he cared about, was that what this was? Should he go seek him out, or wait for the other man to come to him? He should at least make sure he’s doing okay.
“Hey JARV?” he called out tentatively, worried he’d upset his friend’s creation as much as the man himself.
“Yes Mr. Barnes?” The AI’s voice had the same detached professionalism that it usually held, no disapproval but no sympathy either.
“Is Tony okay?”
“Yes, Mr. Barnes,” JARVIS’s voice softened a bit. “Sir is currently taking a nap, and seems to be sleeping well.”
James relaxed at that. He didn’t care if Tony was mad at him as long as he wasn’t putting himself in danger by continuing to work. “Thanks, JARVIS.” He wanted to ask JARVIS to let him know when Tony woke up, or to relay a message, but this was something that needed to happen face-to-face, in their own time.
It only took another hour for Tony to seek him out, at which point he’d moved from the range to the living room couch, trying to distract himself from catastrophizing with mindless TV. It wasn’t working real well.
Tony shuffled into the room, fidgeting and staring at his feet. “I, uh, I’m sorry I’m an asshole. Snapping at you like that wasn’t cool, and I shouldn’t have done it. I didn’t mean any of the shit I said, by the way. Not a word. I was tired, and stressed, but those aren’t excuses.” he laughed mirthlessly. “I can’t even promise that it won’t happen again. I’ll try not to, but ask Rhodey, I’ve been like this since I was at least 15. Shit, this apology sucks.” He ran a hand over his face and looked two seconds away from either bolting or crying, so James took pity.
“I’m sorry too.” Tony’s head shot up, mouth opening, likely about to deny that James had done anything wrong, but he stilled at James’s raised hand. “Hey, I said some sucky stuff too. Just because you started it doesn’t mean I had any right to continue it. I know you were tired and stressed and didn’t mean it, but in the moment I lost my head. I didn’t believe any of the shit I said either, you know that right?”
Tony flushed and ducked his head in a way that indicated he hadn’t actually known that. “I think this is the most successful de-escalation of a conflict I’ve ever managed. My therapist is going to be so proud.” Tony tried for a joking tone, but he fell short of it by a mile, ending up sincere instead.
James smiled. “Mine too.” He paused before adding, “you know the best way to keep from lashing out because you’re sleep-deprived?” he leaned in as if about to reveal some huge secret. “Sleeping.”
Tony made a face. “What? No, that’s what coffee is for.” He was lucky James knew he was joking. They both laughed a bit, the tension successfully broken. Tony finally moved from the doorway, flopping down on the couch next to him, asking him what he was watching.
It was a couple minutes later when James brought the topic up again. “But seriously, if you get as sleep deprived as you were, or preferably before you get to that point, do I have permission to try to get you to sleep?”
Tony looked at him oddly. “You’re asking permission?”
“Well yeah, I don’t wanna cross that boundary without asking about it. Bringing you food is one thing, but taking you away from your work is serious business.”
“Oh. Never thought about it that way, I guess.” Tony sat for a second, turning it over in his head if James had to guess. “Yeah, you can try to get me to go to bed if you think I need it. Key word there is try, though. I make no promises to actually listen to you.” The words had a joking tone to them, but they both knew he was serious.
“Which one of us is occasionally a three year old, again?” James teased, happy to have gained his friend’s trust.
Tony laughed and bantered back, and they went back to watching terrible TV.
~~~
It was official. At some point in the past three months since Tony had become his Daddy, James had hit the ground, leaving him utterly in love with Tony Stark.
No, James reflected, falling in love was less like falling from a high place (he should know, he wasn’t as bad as Steve but he’d taken his fair share of tumbles) and more like falling asleep. It’s something that happens slowly, little by little, knowing you’re just a tiny bit closer every time you close your eyes, and then when the moment comes it happens all at once, so much so that you only notice that it has happened long after the moment has passed.
He laughed at himself, shaking his head at his own romanticism. But still, he doesn’t feel like he fell in love today, though Tony’s conflict resolution skills were what made him realize he had fallen. Oh well, no point in attempting to pinpoint the exact moment. He was in love, and that’s what mattered.
It also changed nothing.
James was not going to ruin the best thing he had going for him in the vain hope that it won’t go up in flames.
~~~
The first time Tony realized he might be in love with James Buchanan Barnes, his close friend and little, he had to be told.
They’d been doing the caregiver/little thing for over three months, and Rhodey was visiting. Just for a couple hours, but they hadn’t had time to hang out in ages. Video calls would never be the same as having his platypus in the flesh, and they had plenty of lost time to catch up on.
Which is why they were down in the lab, Tony showing his honeybear all the fun new gadgets he’d added to the suit. People always forgot that Rhodey went to MIT too. He might not be a genius of his own calibre, but the man knew more than enough to get by. And very much enjoyed talking shop with Tony almost as much as Tony did.
They were deep into a debate on the merits of traditional versus heat-seeking missiles in the next War Machine upgrade when the music, already lower than his usual eardrum piercing volume to account for Rhodey’s more delicate sensibilities (not that he’d ever say that to his face, his honeybear was not afraid of playing dirty when insulted), was lowered to the significantly quieter volume James preferred. Tony stopped and looked towards the door on reflex, a wide smile overtaking his face when he saw his Buckybear was in fact present.
“Buckaroo! Came to join us? I thought Cap had you this weekend.” As James walked over to join them, Tony’s eyes landed on the plate in his hands. “Ooh are those for us?”
James rolled his eyes. “For the last time, stop talking about it like you and Steve have joint custody over me. One day Steve is gonna hear, and he’s gonna make me explain it. And yes, I brought some cookies down for you and your guest.” James’s attention shifted to Rhodey, “Colonel Rhodes.” He dipped his head in greeting.
“Sergeant Barnes.” Rhodey returned the greeting, and they appeared to be looking each other over. Sheesh, military men and their dick measuring contests.
Tony pouted, snagging a cookie off the plate and stuffing it into his mouth. He said something that vaguely resembled “oh, yeah, introductions,” before swallowing the bite of cookie so he could actually be understood.
“Snowflake, meet the light of my life, the wind beneath my wings, my sourpath, Rhodey. Rhodey, meet my favorite former ice pop. He goes by James now by the way, dunno if you got that memo.” Tony took the plate from James’ hand, making the two men shake and using the opportunity to steal another cookie. He watched his two friends interact for a moment, munching on his cookie, before interrupting whatever weird tension was making their handshake last so long.
“Anyway! You sticking around, snowflake? You two should bond some, I think.”
“Nah, like you said, I promised Steve I’d go out with him today. Just came down to drop off the cookies and fortify myself against Steve’s puppy dog eyes. We still on for tomorrow?”
“Yep! Just come down and get me when you’re ready.”
“‘Kay. See ya then.”
“Good luck with the Capsicle!” Tony called after him as he headed back towards the elevator.
When the other man was out of sight Tony turned back to his friend, ready to continue their discussion, but stopped at the look his friend was giving him. “What? Why are you looking like I did something bad?”
The look of disapproval was one that Tony was intimately familiar with, complete with arms crossed and eyebrow raised. “When exactly were you planning to tell me you’re dating Bucky fucking Barnes?”
“I told you, he doesn’t like to be called that.” And then the rest of the sentence registered. “What?”
“Don’t play dumb with me, I recognized that besotted look on y’all’s faces from a mile away.”
Tony sputtered. “I do not look besotted. And besides, you’ve got the wrong idea. We’re just friends.”
“So what you’re saying is you’re absolutely besotted with each other, and neither of you have made a move? Lord save me from idiot men.” Rhodey sighed, looking heavenward.
“Don’t be dramatic. It’s not like that. I’m not into him in a romantic way, and he isn’t into me either.”
Rhodey just stared, looking baffled. “Holy shit, you actually believe that. Tones I know you’re oblivious at the best of times, but even you must be able to tell you feel something more than purely platonic feelings for him.”
Oh. So that’s what Rhodey was picking up on. Fuck, Tony knew his platypus, he wouldn’t give up until he’d received a satisfactory answer. He was going to have to spill his guts. But this wasn’t just his story to tell. “Hey JARV, you mind sending a text to James, asking if it's okay if I share a story from last Tuesday with Rhodey?” There. That was vague enough that if Steve peered over James’ shoulder, he wouldn’t be able to figure out their secret, but James would be able to tell what he was really asking.
“Huh? What happened last Tuesday, and what does it have to do with your relationship with Barnes?”
Really, his honeybear was much too smart to fall for such an obvious trick. “I literally just said I need James’ permission to tell you that.” Tony wanted to say more, but he kept his mouth shut, abruptly serious. Rhodey was smart enough to figure out more information just based off of his musings, and he didn’t want to do that to his little.
His oldest friend picked up on the change immediately. “Oh shit, you’re serious about this. Now I’m even more curious.”
“But you’ll respect James’ decision and not go prying.” It was not a question.
“Of course I will. I’m not an asshole.” Rhodey looked offended at the implication that he might not.
Tony cracked a smile at that. “You’re a little bit of an asshole.”
“Yeah, well, look who’s talking. You’re the real asshole, asshole.”
They bickered for a few minutes, killing time as they waited for James to reply. Finally, Tony’s phone buzzed. James had replied that it was okay, he trusted Tony’s judgement. His heart swelled at that, his little trusted him so much.
“Do you remember Jessica, from MIT? Curly hair, super kinky?”
“Oh yeah, I heard way more about your sex life than I ever needed to know that semester. Y’all aren’t doing the whole “friends with benefits” thing, are you?”
Tony ignored the question. “I talked to you about CGL then, right?”
“Is that the daddy kink thing or the one where you get your dick stepped on? I could never keep the acronyms straight.”
Tony had to stop for a moment at that, giggling too hard at the mental image that provoked. “The first, not the second. That’s CBT.” He burst into another round of giggles before composing himself, going into full lecture mode.
“And CGL, in my humble opinion, is not the same thing as daddy kink. CGL, or caregiver / little, is not necessarily sexual. You’re aware of age regression as a form of coping from trauma, correct?” Rhodey nodded. “It’s like that, except the person age regressing does it on purpose for fun, rather than by accident. Also, they have a caregiver, “daddy” is the usual title but it isn’t necessary, who takes care of them while they regress.”
Rhodey looked thoughtful. “So what you’re saying is Barnes regresses to cope with his frankly ridiculous amount of trauma, and you, what, feed him and play with him? Are there diapers involved? Wait no, I really, really don’t want to know.”
Tony laughed at his friend. “Nah, Jamie’s too old for diapers.”
“I... don’t want to think about the implications of that statement.”
Tony just grinned. “So will you stop bugging me about being into James? We’re “more than purely platonic”, as you put it, but we’re not in love. Kink relationships are weird.”
“No I don’t think I will.”
“Huh? What do you mean, no?” Something about the look in his friend’s eye made him think that Rhodey had more on his mind than giving him shit.
“Tones. I know you. I’ve seen you with play partners before. It’s never been like this.”
“Well, yeah,” He’d never felt like how he feels with James with any of his previous partners. But he’d put kink away years ago, long before Afghanistan. Nothing had been serious then. “But that’s…”
“If you say it’s different I’m gonna hit you.”
“But it is! I love him in the way a caretaker loves their charge, and he loves me like a child loves his favorite teacher. Of course that bleeds into the rest of our relationship.”
“The fact that you deliberately avoided comparing it to a parent/child relationship tells a different story.”
Tony wrinkled his nose. “Of course not. That’d just be wrong.”
Rhodey looked smug, as if he’d just proven his point. “Because you’re in love with him.”
“No, because parent child relationships are permanent. There’s no take-backsies when it’s really your kid. He might call me Daddy, but we all know this is gonna end at some point.” Tony started pacing, the words flowing out of him without his consent. “I don’t get to keep shit this good, Rhodey. I mean, most of the people I’ve cared about either died or betrayed me, and the ones who haven’t, leave. Did you know I haven’t seen Pep in person in six months? Hell, I barely ever see you anymore.” Fuck that sounded guilt-trippy, go back. “Not that I blame you for that, obviously. The point is, I’m the first friend James has made in 70 goddamn years. I’m helping him cope, I’m helping him become a person again, I’m doing all of that good stuff, but I’m under no illusions that I’m anything more than a stepping stone in his recovery process. He’ll get better and he won’t need me anymore. Maybe he’ll realize how much of a disaster I am, or maybe he’ll just drift away, but either way,” his volume began to rise, “I don’t need you barging in here giving me hope that he loves me as much as I love him!” As they left his mouth, he stopped dead, realizing the truth of the words.
Fuck, when had that happened? He hadn’t even noticed falling in love with one of the most important people in his life, what did that say about him.
He didn’t really have time to process that revelation before he heard a strangled sound coming from somewhere that was definitely not Rhodey. He turned, and there was James, standing at the workshop entrance, wide-eyed. They stared at each other for a long moment, then James was striding over, taking him into his arms and hugging him tight.
“You’re the stupidest genius I’ve ever met.” he said, voice thick with emotion.
Tony made an offended noise, but melted into the hug. He still hadn’t quite processed what was going on. James had heard his confession, right? But then, why were they hugging? It didn’t make any sense.
“Tony.” James pulled back, keeping a strong grip on his shoulders. “Do you remember when I joined the knitting circle?”
“Yes?” Tony had no idea what that had to do with anything, but of course he remembered. It was a miracle that he hadn’t burst out laughing at the mental image of the ex-assassin gossiping with a group of old ladies. Still, he’d been proud of his friend for seeking out new activities and people.
“Half the reason I did that was to figure out if I was only attached to you because you were the first person in 70 years to treat me like my own person. And you know what I found out?” James didn’t wait for a response. “I found that no matter how many good people I met, people who treated me with respect and kindness, meeting them never made me feel any less for you. Anthony Edward Stark, I’m in love with you. Have been for ages, really. You’re kind, and smart, and hilarious, and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t leave you even if my life depended on it.”
Oh. Oh wow, Tony thought, I’m kind of an oblivious asshole. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
James winced, scratching the back of his head. “Didn’t want to ruin the good thing we’ve got going here. Which looking back on it, sounds more like I was scared of change than anything else.”
Tony laughed, pressing his head against James’s shoulder. “Hey, you’ve got one up on me. I’d apparently repressed my feelings so hard I didn’t even know I had them. Rhodey had to point them out to me.”
That set James off in his own round of giggles. “Jeez, we’re both messes, aren’t we.”
“Yup.”
They stood there giggling in each other’s arms for a few more moments, before Tony spoke again. “What are you even doing back here? Where’s Steve?”
“I… might have ditched him.” James looked abashed, but Tony just laughed. “Thought you could use some help explaining everything to the colonel. You do kind of suck at explaining things.”
“Hey, that’s not true! I’m a genius, I can explain all kinds of things.” Tony mock-pouted at the other man.
“Well, yes, but you’re shit at emotions.”
Tony stopped to think for a second, then shrugged. “Can’t argue with that. Luckily, Rhodey is used to interpreting my nonsense. Speaking of which…” Tony looked at where his friend had been sitting, intending to tell him to fuck off and let them have their moment, but the seat was empty. “JARV, when did Rhodey leave?”
“Several minutes ago, Sir. He told me to tell you that he’s happy for you, and you owe him twice over for helping you ‘get your head out of your ass’ and for not recording ‘the sappiest love confession he’d ever seen in his life’.” Tony could tell that JARVIS’s dry tone belied his own teasing, filling Tony with equal parts pride and exasperation at his creation’s sass.
“Well that answers that question. He’s gonna hold that over my head for the rest of our lives. Now,” he said, turning back to the man in his arms, “got any ideas for what to do with the rest of our day?”
“Just one.” James looked down at him with sparkling eyes, a familiar expression that Tony could now realize was adoration on his face. Before he could ask what the idea was, James ducked his head and they were kissing.
Now, Tony had kissed a lot of people in his life (he wasn’t afraid to admit he’d been somewhat of a man-whore in his youth). But he’d swear, for years to come, that in that moment he couldn’t remember a single one. Every other kiss was blown out of his head by the feeling of James’s lips on his. It wasn’t a perfect kiss, their noses bumped and their teeth clacked and they couldn’t quite decide where to put their hands, but it was their first, and for that it was perfect.