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She says, today, she’ll leave him.
It’s not right. None of this is right. And if anyone knew about it, they wouldn’t let her live it down. Her reputation would be ruined, broken, smashed to pieces. Although it was a bare shell of a reputation to begin with, it is now the only thing that keeps her from completely falling apart. No one understands him quite like she does because no one has ever come close enough.
And she’s not sure what happened when she met him just to talk that day in the bubbles; she has no idea of who kissed who first. It all felt so mutual, it all felt so on track, and it all felt so wrong. His hands were shaking with every touch, his lips almost hesitant because he had never been with anyone before. He claimed celibacy while she wore the title of too cool for anything like this. The worst part of this was that Mituna was always waiting for her when she came back, and when she saw his face the guilt ate her up every single time. When she saw him, she promised herself that she would leave Kankri.
Every time she tries to explain that this is a bad idea, every time she finds herself at his side of the bubbles, the look of disappointment on Kankri’s face is almost too much for her to handle. He verbally reasons with himself in front of her, and she actually listens until she kisses him purely to get him to stop talking. But it never stays at just kissing anymore, and it’s so nice having someone touch her again for what seems like the first time in forever. The two of them have spent enough time pailing by now that he knows exactly what she likes, and he takes the time to hit all of them.
Ever since Mituna’s accident, intimacy has been an issue. There were days where he couldn’t stand on his own two feet, and when he could, sometimes he wanted nothing to do with her. None of this was his fault, but the first night she spent with Kankri made her realize just how much of it she had missed in the first place. Her defenses were down, and she couldn’t say no. Hours after they finished, Kankri had a tendency to make sneaky yet hurtful digs toward Mituna. It was enough to make her leave, absolutely livid.
But she always came back.
And today, as she sees him with his face held high and his dead eyes on her, she opens her mouth to tell him no, but nothing comes out at all.
And she goes right back into his arms again.