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They haven’t even pulled the Jetta out of the underground spot before Shorter is digging through the messy center console for the AUX cord.
“Why is this like this?” It’s a complaint voiced from frustration, finding a sticky patch inside the hard plastic. His purple hair dangles in front of his eyes as he pulls up fistfuls of ticket stubs, take out receipts, and loose change. Quarters rattle to the floor while he pulls a disgusted face, dragging his fingers across his ripped denim.
“You.” Ash’s voice is short, clipped. He doesn’t look over, his hands at two and ten like the driver’s manual would show you. Foot to the gas they glide through the parking garage, coasting past equally expensive cars until they can see the sun, streaming into the windows. “You don’t like it, maybe you can clean it?”
“Ah!” Comes an excited exclamation as the passenger finds what he’s been looking for. A thick purple cord that unceremoniously gets shoved into the port on the dash. Ash is ignored for now with the brief celebration - but it doesn’t matter.
“Or - next time when you borrow it maybe throw your trash away.” Ash suggests none too gently. They both know that it doesn't matter what gets shoved between seats or inside the cup holders. Next time Shorter needs to borrow a vehicle he’ll get it. He may as well have his own set of keys at this point. The Jetta slows to a stop at the designated line, waiting for a space to ease into the flow of downtown traffic. Shorter acts like he doesn’t even hear the comment at all.
“What do you wanna listen to?” His fingers shove the opposite side of the cord into his phone, his thumbs gliding across the screen. “Feeling mad? Fight playlist?” Ash turns his neck slightly from the street to glare at his friend. “Ohh - gotcha, gotcha. How about you? Any requests for D.J. Chinatown?” Shorter turns to look at Eiji, cross legged in the backseat with sweat damp fingers to his knees.
“Uh,” Eiji smiles with all his teeth, Ash catches it for a second in the mirror before his eyes face the street again waiting for his moment. New York traffic waits for nobody, a second of hesitation could mean another five minutes sitting in place waiting for the next opening. He shakes his head side to side, “I can listen to anything. I’m pretty easy.”
“Bet you are. That doesn’t help me though but thanks anyway. One day I’ll get a good call in request.” Shorter’s arms stretch above his head for a second, he rolls his neck to cause a crack the sound of breaking glass inside the tight space before it’s back to the task at hand. “Guess I’ll just pull out the old reliable.”
There is a gap between a black Ford and a taxi so Ash presses his foot down just enough to steal the spot. Bumper to bumper it doesn’t take long for the young man to hang his head.
“Oh no.”
“What! It’s safe! It’s my comfort playlist. You can listen to it with anyone, anyone!” Music hasn’t even started to play, silence continues to fill the car while Shorter does his best salesman impression. “You can listen to it in cars, at home, at clubs, funerals or weddings. With family, friends, lovers, enemies. Anyone and everyone you can think of.”
A familiar flood of music fills the empty space as soon as the speech is finished. Eiji sits with his smile still in place, it seems every day there is a new reason to be confused. Today is unlike yesterday and he is sure it will be unlike tomorrow. Sometimes there is danger, sometimes there is whatever this can be called. Ash’s mouth moves silently releasing a soft fuck even as his head still hangs, blonde hair clogging his features. The traffic doesn’t move. Somebody’s stomach rumbles loud enough to cut into the music. The song plays on, unbothered.
I am unwritten, can’t read my mind, I’m undefined.
Eiji isn’t sure if he should laugh, he wants to. There is something inside his stomach that feels like a can of soda, shaken up and ready to pop. Shorter’s fingers disengage from his tech savvy portable DJ booth as he pushes his sunglasses on the top of his head, pinning back his messy hair. It makes his forehead loom comically oversized. It makes Shorter comically oversized actually.
“You” his eyes find Ash, inching the Jetta slowly forward, nearly clutching the Ford’s back bumper “said nothing. So no complaints. Not allowed. And you” He cranes his neck back to find Eiji trusting one pointed sticky finger towards the backseat. ''said you listen to anything.”
“I do!” Escapes from Eiji’s smile, which is mirrored back on Shorter’s face.
“Excellent! I knew I liked this kid for some reason.” Ash’s hands are no longer ten and two. One sags in his lap in defeat, his shoulders seem overly slouched. It is no deterrent from his passenger.
“Staring at the blank page before youuuu - “ Shorter starts, his voice warbling like the world's worst songbird. It seems to bounce around like a rubber ball inside the car’s overly warm interior. It feels at least 90 degrees although it’s not even noon. They haven’t moved more than twenty feet from the exit of the parking garage. The taxi behind them beeps twice, it’s for naught because there is no space to move. “Open up the dirty windowwwww” He continues as the passenger window slides down so smoothly it’s almost unnoticeable.
“Do you understand we’re wanted men? Wanted by dangerous people?” Ash asks his lap, the steering wheel. It seems he doesn’t want to lift his head. He makes no motion to turn down the music but it seems, even to Eiji’s untrained ear in the backseat there is the hint of humor inside his voice.
“Let the sun illuminate the words that you couldn’t find” Shorter’s voice only warbles off key higher and higher until it seems to echo even outside the car. Tourists, businessmen in suits, women in thin silk dresses totting suitcases, they all walk on the sidewalk inches away but none of them seem to look. A few fleeting glances are stolen towards the spectacle nearly hanging out the Jetta’s window. Eiji laughs, filling the backseat with short bursts of side splitting sounds. It’s too much, this whole moment - he can’t contain it anymore.
“Is he always like this?” Wheezed out between the rib aching laughter.
“You have no idea.” Comes the response from the driver. “For as long as I’ve known him at least.” Ash sounds at the very least, amused. For what it’s worth the traffic finally begins to move, not any pace that can be noted to be steady - or fast. But at least they put some distance between them and the garage. The taxi behind them lays off the horn for a few minutes. Shorter keeps his fingers, head, and shoulders outside the car, facing the citizens of the city and serenading them in his off key tune. “One day he’ll get himself shot by a real broadway star going to work.”
“You’re just mad. You think you’re perfect but listen here pretty boy.” Shorter ducks back into the car for a second, jabbing one still sticky finger towards Ash’s chest. “You don’t have the pipes I do. Jealousy is not a good look.”
It’s too easy to laugh. It would be rude not to. Ash cracks finally. Shorter resumes where he left off. For the first time since he woke up that morning Eiji finds he’s not thinking about the heavy weight of the gun pressing against the small of his back. He wonders if he could get used to this.
_
“Where are we going?”
“Does it matter?”
“Not really. Just curious.”
Ash is pushing the Jaguar in a way that would seem dangerously fast - but it isn’t. Someplace far off in the woods miles from the city. Shorter has been banished to be backseat for today, but it seems his purple AUX cord knows no limits, stretching in a taut thin rope between the seats to plug safely into his phone.
“Sometimes Ash just wants to drive. Sometimes with me. Sometimes not.” The voice from the backseat squeaks out, his face seems to be glued to his phone. “I get no service when we come out here.”
“That’s too bad.” Ash smiles, his eyes darting up and into the mirror. “Absolute shame. I had no idea that would happen. No idea at all.”
“Why don’t you ever let me borrow this one?”
“Isn’t one dirty car enough for you?”
The banter goes back and forth, the car travels along narrow, woodsy roads at sixty, then sixty five. Eiji watches the way the trees blur outside his window. It feels chilly even though it’s still summer. It was eighty yesterday but only sixty today, pulling his loaned jacket tighter around his shoulders. Ash’s whole body seems to be two sizes too big for him. The thick leather feels nicer than anything Eiji’s ever owned. He burrows his nose into the neck and breathes deeply.
Eiji asked Ash once why he has so many cars, like a deck of cards it seems like they haven’t been in the same one twice.
“Gifts” He mumbled, before putting his lips to a glass of water - filling it to eliminate the need for any further discussion. That was the end of that particular line of questions.
It had been a hectic few days, moving from one house to another. Shuffling people around like chess pieces. It was hard to get any kind of foot up on the always moving unsteady ground. Then, today was a day for a drive. A distraction. Too much was filling up Ash’s brain and the mindless task of coasting through the state for no reason, no purpose was exactly the only thing that needed to be done.
“Hey, hey, hey. We might be in business.” Shorter mumbles from the backseat. Eiji turns only to find his face still glued to his screen. “I DO have a playlist still downloaded. I never use offline mode but I guess I was prepped for this exact situation.”
“Christ no. No playlists. It’s nice right n - “
“Ash. Seriously. If you wanted to drive in silence why bring us?” Eiji wants to spite Shorter’s words to tell Ash he can be quiet, not to prove anything - just to let it out there. He’s been sitting just watching the landscape with the only words having been about a possible destination. They all have just been sitting and waiting, watching. It seems there’s been too much tension lately to say much. Feeling the sturdy motion of the car on the road acts a comfort for all of them.
Shorter does have a point though, if Ash really wanted to be alone he would have been. He would have just ducked out without telling anyone. Or worse yet, telling them he’d go one place, then vanish off the grid for hours, sending up the alarm through everyone sitting at the safe house on pins and needles waiting for the other foot to drop. The group would splinter in a search to find the leader. The possibility of danger would be high.
“Whatever. You’re only going to play it no matter what I say.”
“Righto.”
Perfectly timed the music starts. Whoever was in the car last had been blaring something, the volume turned viciously all the way up. For a group of people accustomed to the loud misfire of gunshots the car is momentarily sent into chaos.
Shorter jerks in the backseat, his head catching the roof, causing such a loud gasp it could be mistaken for something much more horrible having happened. Eiji lets out the shrillest squeak from his pursed lips. Ash’s foot slips off the gas and the car decelerates for a second while his hand jerks the wheel, the car careening to the center of the road for three seconds.
One, two, three! My baby don't mess around Because she loves me so...
“What the fuck.” It all comes out as one word together, more sounding like whatthefuck from the driver’s side of the car as Eiji reaches out to turn the volume down to barely audible.
“Can I, for the record, state this is your car. One I’m not allowed to borrow. If I can’t take it I assume nobody else can either. It is not my fault you left the radio like that.” Shorter’s voice seems blunted after the boom of sudden music. It seems everything is further away for a moment before sound slowly returns to normal.
Hey Ya continues to play softly in the background as the car picks up it’s previous speed, then pushes past it. Ash’s fingers are tight on the wheel. Almost at seventy as they peek out of the woods and into a dense stretch of country road with farms on both sides. Eiji thinks he sees the black and white blur of a cow. It’s only been a few seconds with the music thumping low while the three men sit in silence before Shorter breaks again.
“Thank God for Mom and Dad for sticking together, ‘cause we don't know howwwwww.”
“I don’t think those are the words.” Ash mutters to himself pulling into the empty oncoming lane to pass one lazy tractor chugging along at ten miles an hour. He eases the car back into the right lane without even looking back, unlike Eiji who stares for a second at the overall clad man sitting atop the machine. He chances a quick wave but they’re going too fast.
“Is something wrong with the car?” Shorter asks over the chorus. Ash doesn’t answer, tilting his head in an attempt to catch some sound that is amiss. “I hear something.” The man tucked in the back leans forward, forearms holding his weight between the two front seats as he cocks his head to one side to listen under the music. “Wait, is that? Eiji?”
“What -” Eiji is caught off guard, startled into sitting straighter in his seat. He wraps one arm defensively around himself. “I’m not making any sounds.”
“You’re humming.” The backseat driver proclaims, his clenched fingers shooting up towards the roof of the car in a triumphant fist pump. “I. Fucking. Love. This. Kid.” Each word is its own sentence, punctuated by another fist pump into the air. “You gotta keep this one around.”
Eiji smiles looking at his lap. It’s a different type of praise from what he’s used to. Ash keeps his eyes towards the road, the speed has only dropped a fraction but the corner of his mouth is turned into what could be a precursor to a smile.
“That’s his choice, I’m not keeping him hostage.” There is no malicious intent inside his voice. Shorter doesn’t regard Ash’s words with any kind of acknowledgement, instead he bounces in the backseat like a child for a second, shoulders swaying to the song.
“Now we gonna break this thang down for just a few seconds, now don't have me break this thang down for nothin' I want to see you on your baddest behavior! Lend me some sugar, I am your neighbor! Ah! Here we go now.” Shorter manages to choke out all the words half a second behind the voice on the speakers. It’s infectious. Ash’s fingers find the dial for the volume and turn it up just slightly. With the song louder than normal Shorter starts the chant of Shake it at the same time as Eiji.
Ash’s jaw drops, the cracking smile long forgotten with the stress of the morning and the upcoming days. There’s something about the tiny voice squeaking up with it’s repeated chant that makes the whole car transported into something else. It’s no longer just something to do, it’s the only thing that feels right to do. The song rushes up to meet them.
“Shake it like a polaroid picture.” The three sing in unison. It’s been weeks since Eiji has felt anything close to normal, he’s felt much older than his nineteen years since he’s met Ash. He assumed the younger man felt the same, has probably always felt old. When he closes his eyes and sees a small version of Ash even that child seems so infinitely aged. In this moment someplace lost inside New York state, far enough from the city to feel like a different world they all feel young.
The illusion for a second is cracked when Shorter speaks.
“How do you know all these words?” He laughs, it’s not mean. Just curious.
“We do get the radio in Japan.” Eiji laughs back. It’s not a jab, just a volley. Ash chuckles before Shorter continues.
“I told you guys this playlist is a winner.”
“What is it?” Eiji asks, it seems Ash already knows. Has known for a while at least judging by how much he’s against Shorter’s control of the AUX cord.
“I called it Kohls Cash. With a dollar sign for the s.”
“Kohl’s Cash?”
“Yeah - from Kohls.” Now it’s time for Eiji to twist his neck back to eye the man in the backseat. Shorter’s sunglass covered eyes hold steady. “You know. Kohls?” He doubles down without clarifying anything. Ash lets out such a loud bark it doesn’t even seem to be a laugh until it won’t stop and he’s forced to slow the car to a safe twenty miles an hour. Something about Eiji’s lack of understanding is hilarious.
“It’s a store.” Ash says, between his sharp inhales. “A clothes store.”
“Kohls.” Eiji tries the word on his tongue, parroting what he’s heard as best he can. “Kohls. Do you go there?” He asks. This is met by such loud raucous laughter from both the front and back seat that the car has to coast to the side of the road. Ash slides the car into park before he’s clutching his face like it aches. Eiji has never seen these two laugh this hard in the entire time he’s known them. He doesn’t mind being the butt of the joke if it can cause this much happiness.
“No.” Shorter’s hands are against his chest, feeling his own heartbeat pounding. “No, no, no.”
“So - what’s the Kohls cash?” Eiji desperately wants to understand, it seems each word from his lips sends both of his companions into more fits. Ash puts his head against the wheel to wheeze and gasp.
“You get it for going there and buying stuff.”
“So - what’s that got to do with these songs?”
“Okay. Let me. Fuck. I have to piss. Hold on. I’ll explain when I get back.” Shorter’s already opening the door, crawling out with his hands clenched around his stomach as if trying to hold himself together. He inches off the side of the road, and picking a tree turns away from the car. Ash can’t seem to catch his breath.
“What’s Kohls.” Eiji tries again as seriously as he can hoping his friend would answer him. Instead this only causes Ash to hunch further over. He pulls his legs up, knees to the wheel as if curling into a ball will help stop the hysterics. There are tears streaming from his green eyes, shut into tight slits.
“Shorter will - “ He can’t seem to get any more words out. As if summoned, Shorter pushes himself back into the backseat, almost composed his fingers adjusting the zipper of his jeans.
“Okay. Kohls is this chain. A store. It’s um, they sell, they really don’t have Kohls in Japan huh?”
“No. Not that I know about.”
“Ignorance is bliss.” Ash gets out, finally starting to pull himself back together. He sits up, dragging the back of his hand across his cheeks, swiping away the tears that fell there. His skin is damp from the salt water. Shorter attempts to try again.
“Okay. They sell like clothes, but it’s just. It’s like a middle aged woman store. Um. They have other stuff. They have shoes and housewares.”
“Houseware” Ash barks again, it’s a ugly laugh as he presses his fingers against his lips trying to keep the sound inside. His head returns to its spot against the wheel for a few seconds. “Where did you pull that from?” Shorter almost cracks again.
“They have housewares. I don’t know. Candles. Rugs. Shit you put in your house.”
“Essentially housewares.” Ash is biting his lips to stifle the laughter that won’t stop from coming out.
“Listen, Kohls isn’t funny by itself. But it’s like a joke that since it’s such a middle age white woman haven they have these songs that always play. That these middle age white women love. So these songs are on that playlist. And everyone knows them no matter who you are.”
“Housewares.” Ash repeats even softer to himself, still biting his lips. He places the tip of his thumb in his mouth and bites the nail for a second.
Eiji smiles, it doesn’t seem that funny. He assumes it’s more tied to his own lack of knowledge of something so commonplace. Everything seems perfect until Ash seems to have snapped out of it suddenly. The change from holding himself in hysterics to putting his hands back on the wheel and shifting the car from park is like night and day. The blonde behind the wheel takes a deep breath as he turns the car around, feeling the grind of gravel under the back tires before they take off from the direction they had been coming from. It worries both passengers into sober silence. It’s a few seconds before Eiji asks the question on everyone's mind. A mirror from earlier in the drive.
“Where are we going?”
The two men wait for the younger’s answer. His hair falls between his eyes, his face turned towards the road in a mask of concentration. The Jaguar is not going nearly the same speed as it was prior, but they’re still putting distance through the dense farmlands. They clip past the same farmer on his tractor, this time Eiji doesn’t raise his hand.
“Back to the city. I just realized we have something we need to do.” Shorter bites his lip, the music paused and never resumed since they had parked. Almost too afraid to ask they let a mile slip, then a second mile. It’s not until they near the dense woods that either dare to ask anything at all.
“What do we need to do?” Shorter asks finally. It seems only fair to split the questions between the two getting dragged along. It’s a miracle Ash’s face doesn’t change when he reveals his plan.
“We’re going to Kohls.”
“Well then I better fire up the playlist.” Shorter smiles in the backseat. Eiji feels like everything is perfect. Ash finally cracks.
_
“I don’t know about him. He makes me nervous.”
“Shhh. He’s fine.”
Eiji is again assigned the backseat of the rental. He doesn’t ever feel like he has the right to protest, he is the tag along for all these trips. It’s easy to just accept the placement assigned. Shorter’s hands are on the wheel as they glide through the nearly empty streets of the unfamiliar city at three am.
“Whatever you say. He’s your second so I trust you.” Ash sounds wide awake, Eiji wonders how long it takes to become so nocturnal.
“And I’m your second.” Shorter replies. He too sounds wide awake. Eiji allows the thought into his head that maybe this bone deep tiredness only belongs to him. Despite his desire to shut his eyes his mind just won’t turn off. He assumes these two have just gotten used to that for far too long to let something as trivial as sleep keep them away from their planning.
“You run a whole different street than me.”
“Okay, allies. Seriously you’re my best friend. What do you want me to tell you?”
Eiji is used to being a fly on the wall to these conversations he’s sure he shouldn’t be hearing. He’s sat in the backseat too many times. He’s seen too many things he knows he shouldn’t have. It seems he’s become more than just a guest, he has his own role to play. They all do. It’s a machine that needs all the parts working together to function best.
“I don’t know. I think it’s just being here. I don’t like it.” Ash seems unsteady, his wording cautious. He tucks his chin towards his chest, slumping in the passenger seat even while his eyes scan the road signs as if trying to memorize everything they see.
“Me either.” Shorter agrees. There is a steady clicking from inside the sedan as they turn left onto a one way road. Every street they’ve seen has been empty since they left the house. It’s almost like the whole world has stopped just for them. “I just needed to get out for a minute.”
It seems everyone in the car understands without speaking about it. They all needed to escape the cramped house. It was overly large, there weren’t many people inside, but it still felt like a cage for some reason nobody could pinpoint.
They pass under a streetlamp, flooding the vehicle with light for a second. It’s too much, all of this. This suffocating feeling like they’re all standing on the edge of an impossible cliff. There is no way back, only down. Eiji tucks his feet under himself, trying to make himself a smaller presence behind the driver’s seat. He wishes he stayed at the house and let these two have a moment. It’s not as if they told him what to do, but he still feels like an intruder. It’s a few more miles before he has an idea.
“Do you still have your AUX cord?” He asks, Ash jilts forward a fraction.
“Oh, you’re still up. Thought you were asleep back there.” Shorter laughs, “It should be in my jacket pocket.” The jacket in question is bunched up next to Eiji in the backseat. A classic varsity style it only takes two seconds to find the cord wrapped up inside the pocket. His unskilled fingers take a longer time inserting it into his own old Iphone.
“Can you plug this in?” His hand thrusts the purple cord into the front seat. Eiji expects Shorter’s fingers to take hold but is only half surprised when it’s Ash’s warm hand that connects with his.
“Sure.”
Maybe he is exhausted, Eiji thinks. He wants to laugh. The clock on the dashboard reads 3:43AM, then flickers off to simply read INPUT in blocked green letters.
“Well I mean I’m not usually a DJ so - “
“Hit us with what you’ve got!” Shorter says, his eyes making contact with the passenger in the backseat. “I’ll be honored to attend your first performance. We’re ready for it!”
You're beautiful. That's for sure. You'll never ever fade.
“Are you kidding me.” Ash’s voice is drenched in some kind of emotion Eiji isn’t able to pinpoint. “Is this - “
“Oh my GOD! It’s Kohls Cash!!!” Shorter almost skids onto the sidewalk. It takes everything in his power to adjust the direction of the car. His mouth hangs open, his eyes are wide, in shock or confusion it can’t be determined from the rear view mirror reflection.
“We are gonna die. We’re gonna die.” Ash repeats, hanging his head. His fingers clutch the bridge of his nose, rubbing it. He laughs for a second before Eiji decides to chirp in.
“I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away. I don't know where my soul is. I don't know where my home issss.” He tries to warble on the way Shorter does, which gets a round of applause from the front seat. It’s easy to blush and even easier to hide it in the darkness.
“I can’t believe you found my playlist.”
“I know how to use Spotify.” Eiji shots back.
“Fair enough, fair enough.”
Eiji decides not to tell anyone in the car about how he had to look up multiple youtube videos after the Kohls trip just to download the app, then navigate the terf. Nobody needs to understand he has the tech savvy of somebody double his age. What matters is the tension seems broken at least for a second.
“How do you know all these songs?”
“I think I told you that we do have the radio in Japan.”
“I know, I know. But you don’t have your own kind of top 40?”
“We do, but I mean. You said it best last time. Everyone knows these. I knew the words to these songs before I even knew how to really speak English.” The trio laugh.
“I can just picture you at ten singing Beyonce in your room.” It’s Ash’s turn for a smart comment. Eiji finds the red in his cheeks stay in place.
“Ash, even I know this isn’t Beyonce.” Eiji shoots back.
“Oh man, we gotta watch this one.” Shorter laughs. It’s easy. It’s all so easy that there was no other way. The song keeps playing. The moment stretches on.
They’re finally someplace near downtown LA. Each man sings the same lyrics. Each feeling is different, yet the same. It no longer matters how unfamiliar this city is. No longer matters the danger that is around the corner.
“I’m like a bird, I wanna fly away.” A chorus just nearly out of tune. It doesn’t matter, some spell has been broken by the time the song ends and Shorter parks in front of a 24/7 pizza shop.
“Who wants a pie?”
They pile out of the car like kids at a sleepover. Eiji will think of this night as a snapshot. This night will be forever sealed inside his memory.
A flash. Eiji wrapped up in a large varsity jacket with a slice of steaming pepperoni pizza. Ash, his fingers greasy under his own slice, pineapple and ham, his green eyes looking out the massive windows without fear. Shorter, sunglasses pinning back his dry purple strands as he helps himself to another extra cheese slice on a plate with fat drops of oil leaking through.
This will be his last happy memory of the three of them.
_
It’s been days and it still doesn't feel real. Nothing feels real. Physically, mentally, it all feels so far away it may as well be happening to somebody else. Anybody else. Ash hasn’t seemed to stand still since they’ve been back together. Eiji understands, feels the same restless guilt. It’s hard to talk, to move, to breath. It feels like weights inside his lungs that only they can drag around. Everyone’s eyes seem to have taken on a hard glint. Even the softest touches feel harsh.
So tonight when the two get into the Jaguar it seems like it’s an unspoken agreement that this isn’t about speaking. It’s not really about getting anything out into the air or breathing it all into life. Eiji still wishes he understood the words he could speak to help. There are no words, not in any language. How do you say I’m sorry you killed your friend, your best friend. I’m sorry it was for me. I’m sorry I was in the way. I’m sorry just doesn’t cut it, so it stays inside his throat. I’m sorry. It’s the only thing he thinks anymore.
Eiji understands they’re never going to step foot inside the Jetta again. It’s a car that belongs inside the history and memories of a best friend that will never come back. The mess that is left will always be there. The sticky seats, the stale French Fries on the floor, the quarters in the cup holder, the loose strands of dead dyed hair clinging to places it shouldn’t be. Nothing will be removed as a monument to the emptiness that Shorter has left. It will always sit silent. There will never be road trips to the countryside with music playing too loud. There will never be tickets for speeding on the highway. There will never be sunglasses stashed in strange places waiting to be broken by unknowing passengers.
It’s midnight before they are past the Lincoln tunnel, heading towards New Jersey. The destination is unknown, but it doesn’t matter. Upstate, a different state, across the country, it’s all the same. Eiji knows he would trust Ash. He does trust Ash. The trick of getting into a car and footing the gas to space yourself from your problems doesn’t seem to be working all that well. Eiji still feels the ghost inside the backseat, the unspoken elephant inside the room that will never get up and leave. He doesn’t really want it to leave. He always wants to remember Shorter the way he was when he was in this car. Happy, smiling, singing. Himself.
They’ve been in the car for a little over two hours, the tank blessedly full and the streets empty. Eiji finds his phone buzz inside his pocket. Concerned it might be important he pulls it out. He wonders if it’s Max or Ibe or one of the guys waiting at the safe house. He wonders what bad news will come from this call. The number that flashes across his screen doesn’t look like anything he knows, but that means nothing. Phones, he’s come to understand, are something that can be replaced at a gas station. Numbers mean nothing. As he goes to answer it, the green button vanishes. Wrong number, he thinks.
His finger is too close to the screen, inadvertently making contact. It just so happens to be on the other green button - Spotify. He didn’t understand it was still downloaded. In a different life only days ago he would have thought he’d be using this for countless trips. He wishes he deleted it or left his phone someplace. The thought crosses his mind to throw the phone out the window and into a ditch.
Fuck.
The app loads too quickly to close out before the radio in the car beeps twice.
“Device connected.” The female robotic voice sounds too sterile. Ash doesn’t say anything, doesn’t turn the volume down. Doesn’t move, keeping his eyes on the road. Four lanes in each direction and only the occasional passing headlights make it too hard to tell what emotion is on his blank face.
The funny thing is sometimes apps don’t work right. Technology isn’t infallible. You said you listen to anything. It echos inside Eiji’s head as if Shorter is behind him, whispering into his ear. What should have been empty air isn’t. A song starts, picking up where it left off in the middle of a playlist with a name that turns Eiji’s stomach into tight knots.
Guitars fill the air, gently at first then louder. Eiji hunches his shoulders. It feels like something is crushing him, a great invisible force. It’s not the first time he’s felt he’s done something wrong, but this is one of the first times he feels it’s not just a misstep. Not just an accident despite the evidence it is.
Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you and everything you do Yeah, they were all yellow
Ash doesn’t say anything, Eiji doesn’t say anything. The song continues without either man stopping it. Nobody turns down the volume, nobody turns the radio off. Nobody moves, Ash keeps his hands at ten and two. The car slows, the blinker turns on to signal a right hand turn into an empty mall. The entire massive building is dark, not even parking lamps to show the white lights of spaces.
“Kohl’s cash, huh?” It’s the first time anybody speaks out loud in hours. Ash’s voice sounds rusty. He’s hoarse. It seems empty.
“It was what was playing last time it was - “ Eiji stops. “I didn’t mean…” He trails off. There isn’t anything else to say. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
It’s not even close to being okay. Things will never be okay again. Eiji wants to say that since he’s known Ash he’s seen more people die than he ever thought he would in his entire life. He’s held a gun. He’s pulled a trigger. He bled and screamed and thought he was going to die. He’s finally understood that he will die. Eiji now understands that when you live a dangerous life you have risks. You have to take the loses with the wins. You have to do a lot of things. You don’t have to kill your best friend, don’t have to watch them tear him apart afterwards. You don’t have to pick between the person who has been with you forever and a stranger. You don’t have to live like that.
Even with all those words inside his brain they can’t come out. Not even one of them. Nothing comes out. Just Coldplay on the car’s speakers as the wind howls outside the car. Eiji wishes it was a better song. He wishes he could take everything back. He wishes he could rewind time all the way back to a time before Ash ever even knew Eiji. When Shorter was safe and making playlists and the two would drive to Coney Island, listening to top 40 songs. He wishes he could do anything at all. He can’t. It’s all Eiji can do to reach over and wrap his arms around the thick, shaking shoulders.
He can’t say it will be okay. It won’t be. Not really. But Eiji can wait. The two stay like that until the sun cracks over the horizon and it’s just that dawn of another day without their friend.