Work Text:
I walk out of the meeting room to see Peter sitting on a bench opposite the door.
"Did you reset her?" He asks.
"No," I answered.
"Didn’t think you would have the nerve."
"It’s not about nerve. You know what? Whatever." I shake my head and held up the vial, "Are you still set on this?"
He nods.
"You could just do the work you know. You could make better decisions, make a better life."
"Yeah, I could," he says looking off down the hallway. He pauses for a second like he’s thinking of a reason to try. He shakes his head and says in a small voice, "But I won’t. We both know that."
I don’t know how to feel. I know that change is difficult, and comes slowly. And from what I’ve seen from Peter, he doesn’t look like someone that would be willing to put in the effort to improve himself, especially if he doesn’t get some sort of instant validation from it. But I can’t help but wonder the types of thoughts that are going through his head. If he was so set on forgetting himself, why was he acting like there was something holding him back?
I sit down on the couch next to him and hand him the vial. He turns it in his hands and I can see that they are shaking slightly.
"Is there anything that you would want me to tell you about yourself? Anything you want to remember?" I ask.
"No. If I wanted to remember anything I wouldn’t be doing this," he pauses before continuing, getting quieter as he reaches the end of his sentence, "I’m tired of hating myself every day I can’t be alone now too."
I look at him confused, "What do you mean you 'can’t be alone too'?".
He looked at me with his eyes slightly bigger than before, "It doesn’t matter, just forget about it."
I looked at him. All this time I had never known Peter. I knew the parts of him that were evil and weak, and I knew the part of him that strived to hurt me and Tris, but I never stopped to think if he had other sides to him. Don’t get me wrong, I hate Peter, but part of me is curious about how a mind like his works. If he is even capable of being a good person.
"If you’re going to lose all your memories anyway, it might be nice to get something off your chest," I tell him.
He looks down back at the vile like he is contemplating the idea.
"This is your last chance to do something brave," I push. This isn’t the time and I know I’m out of line, but I can’t help but wonder.
He glared at me, "When I said that I didn’t want to be alone with myself I was talking about Caleb." He paused and relaxed slightly before continuing. "Ever since I got to dauntless I’ve gotten worse as a person. I have always been a dick, but the sense of competition got to me and I resorted to some… fucked up tactics. And I didn’t realize I like hurting people until I… stabbed Edward. It gave me a rush of power at first but then I was scared of myself.
"That’s when I started hating myself. I joined you guys during the attack simulation because I was scared of being killed by Jenine, but also because I thought if I helped you it might have made up for the fucked up stuff I did. But then we got to Amity and nothing changed so when the opportunity came, I rejoined the Erudite. I thought that I might as well give up and admit to myself that I was just some evil coward," He paused to let out a chuckle, "But that didn’t work out either, because now I was something I hated and I had nothing to distract myself into thinking that I could be a good person. I was at my lowest point when Caleb showed up. And somehow he made me feel like I was worth something. We were both traitors and we both hated the stuff we had done. And then we finally had someone that understood. He understood the guilt I felt and could relate to my self-loathing… and when I told him about the things that I had done, and how they made me feel powerful he didn’t treat me like garbage. He probably should have, but he didn’t."
Peter paused and looked up at the ceiling before sighing with a small smile on his face. "After I had saved Tris I told you guys that I did it so I wouldn’t be in debt to you anymore, but I actually did it for Caleb. He was getting eaten apart by the guilt and I knew he was as good as dead if Tris died because of him. So I did what he was too scared to do and I saved her. He was the only person I’ve ever met that understood me and gave me a second chance when I didn’t deserve it. And right now he is sacrificing himself to be a good guy. I… I need him and without him I’m doomed. And that’s why I want to forget everything. It’s better than living with the grief and self-loathing and everyone else hating me for the rest of my miserable life."
He paused and looked at me. I was shocked but tried to make my face as stone-cold as possible. The idea of peter forgetting himself and the terrible person he had become should have seemed like a good idea, but now I didn’t know what to think. I don’t forget the stuff he has done to others, the stuff that he has done to Tris, but I understand what it feels like to find the right person. The person that supports you and sticks by you and forgives you even after you have hurt them, the person that you love. If Tris died I might have thought of the same thing as Peter.
Peter lifts up the vial and takes off the cap, the liquid almost spilling due to his shaking hands.
"How much should I drink?" He asks and I can faintly hear his teeth clattering.
"I don’t think it makes a difference," I say.
He closes his eyes and puts the vial to his lips and stills. He starts to shake harder and before I can say anything he swears under his breath and drops the vial onto the floor, letting the serum spill. I can see the tears going down his face as he leans forward with his arms resting on his knees and his hands covering his face. I stiffen not knowing what to do with a sobbing Peter. We both sit there for another minute, enough for him to calm down and whisper,
"I’m a coward for wanting to forget it all, but at the same time, I’m a coward for not being able to go through with it. I don’t want to live with myself without him but..."
"You don’t want to forget him," I answer.
We both sit there a little longer before I decide to say something. "Not being able to drink the serum doesn’t make you weak, it makes you brave, brave enough to push through all the hardships that you will face if it means getting to hold onto him. Although it doesn’t matter now, you chose dauntless for a reason."
He nods his head and sits up, tilting his head to look at the ceiling. He has finished crying and by now, it is time to go. We get up ready to make our way further into the city, hoping that Tris and Caleb were able to stop the compound from releasing the truth serum.