Work Text:
"Cody?" Obi-Wan stared at the man in front of him, not sure what to do, not sure what Cody would approve of in the state he was in. Obi-Wan could only stare at him, while his heart broke.
Cody was sitting on the edge of Obi-Wan's bed. His voice was uncharacteristically quiet and brittled when he answered the jedi. "I can't do this anymore, Obi-Wan. I can't. There is so much pain. I don't know how to handle it anymore." He stopped and inhaled a shaky breath. "Ner kar'ta cuyir kadala ibic ca." Cody didn't trust himself to look up and meet the Jedi's eyes, he was afraid he would crumble, to break into a million pieces and he wasn't sure if he would be able to put himself back together again.
"Is it okay if I touch you?" The only source of light was the blue shimmer of the hyperspace streaming through the blinds of Obi-Wan's quarters on the ship they were currently flying back to Coruscant with. The Jedi could barely make out more than the other man's silhouette. And–barely noticeable–Cody nodded. Obi-Wan reached out and rested his hand on Cody's cheek, stroking it with his thumb. He could feel it was wet and the jedi's heart shrunk in itself when he realized that Cody had been crying. Maybe not much, but he had been.
Cody then reached for Obi-Wan's other hand, took it in both of his and kissed his knuckles. It was a gentle touch, a quiet reminder for Cody that Obi-Wan was here, that he was safe . A silence lingered between them, pregnant with a sense of vulnerability and yet comfort, too.
By now, it would be a lie to say that Cody was not used to the war or to its consequences. The war was the reason he existed after all. His life was war. His life was death. His life meant you grieved and moved on, you kept fighting, you kept doing what you're supposed to do, what you're expected of. No, nothing about this was new.
Yet nothing about it ever seemed to become any easier. Sometimes Cody was good at hiding it, distracting himself, trying to rationalize all of it. But the war was like a dark cloud hanging above them, no matter how bright the sky was.
But occasionally, when it all became too much, when there was nothing for him to stop his thoughts from spiraling, Cody cracked . Then it all poured out of him, from small openings like light shining through cracked glass and it flowed over the floor, towards Obi-Wan. It was him, always him. The only one who was allowed to see him truly vulnerable, who knew how to calm him down, who was allowed to see the broken man behind the illusion Cody had so consciously built around himself; of the perfect soldier, of a man who did not fall apart, a vode who was there for his brothers without them having to worry about him.
And right when Cody thought that the galaxy became too much, that this feeling, this overwhelming, all consuming grief, the despair and the anger will never stop, it stopped. It stopped when the jedi with the kind blue eyes and ginger hair looked up at him, palmed his face with his hands, and told him that it was okay, that he was allowed to feel things, perhaps even more deeply than most people.
And when Cody then saw the deep affection in Obi-Wan's eyes, he realized there was no one who loved him more and no one who looked at him the way the jedi did. For Obi-Wan, Cody was not just another product of a mass production of an army constructed for violence and death, he saw him as his own person. As someone who is worth enough to be looked at the way he did and as someone who he woke up for in the middle of the night when the soldier’s mind won’t let him rest.
He never once let Cody feel guilty about feeling.
And therefore, Cody let Obi-Wan get under his skin and he allowed him to stay there.
Obi-Wan then ultimately broke the silence with nothing more than a whisper, "What is going through your head, cyar'ika? Talk to me." Talk to me, if you want to. If you can. If not, sit next to me and let me hold you and I will talk about nothing, or not at all. Don't hide from me.
Cody leaned more into his touch but didn't answer. Cody may wasn’t aware of it, but through the Jedi's deep connection to the force, Obi-Wan was able to feel Cody's sorrow and feel that something heavy had made a home out of his heart.
He wished he could bear it with him, or take away the pain, but there was nothing he could do, except be there for him.
Obi-Wan shifted closer, wrapping an arm around him so his bare chest was pressed to Cody's back. He pressed a kiss onto his hair. "Was it another nightmare? The one you told me about, the one all your brothers and you dream of?"
Cody now turned his whole body towards Obi-Wan, mirroring the other man's former gesture by taking the jedi's face in his hands.
Then, a whisper: "I saw you fall. I… I shot you, Obi-Wan. I shot you and I–" Cody tried to take a deep breath and his hands started to shake where they held the jedi's face. His brows furrowed and his eyes never really rested on a specific point in Obi-Wan’s face. He couldn't breathe .
Obi-Wan covered one of Cody's hands in an attempt to comfort him. "It was just a dream, Cody, just a dream. I'm here. See," he took Cody's hand and laid it on his own naked chest, right where his heart was placed. "Everything is okay, you're safe. I'm here with you and nothing will happen to us. You're home with me." He leaned it and kissed him. Cody returned the kiss like the Jedi's lips were the only safe place in the universe. His hand started to cramp up where it laid on Obi-Wan's chest. He leaned back and leaned his forehead against Obi-Wan’s. He let out a shaky breath.
Obi-Wan leaned his body back on the bed sheet and dragged Cody with him, carefully placing them into a comfortable position. They still had a couple of hours to spare, they weren't needed right now. They could allow themselves a moment where they don't have to think about this all-consuming war that is slowly destroying both of them, mentally and physically. Obi-Wan studied his lover for a long time after Cody's breath became even again and he appeared to be sleeping. Will this ever end? Obi-Wan couldn't find an answer. Will this ever be enough? He didn't have an answer for that either. It kept him up all night.
———
Cody was scared. And he was angry. And all he could do about it was sit next to the medbay bed an unconscious Obi-Wan was currently laying on. Bright white bandages wrapped around his torso, his left arm, his forehead. The room was illuminated by a dim light coming from a small lamp on a table next to the bed, where Cody had also placed his helmet on once he was allowed to visit Obi-Wan some time ago. He also had taken off his chest plate and every other part of armor above his torso–which left him with wearing only the thin blacks he wore underneath it and the lower part of his armor–since he started to feel uncomfortable and he figured he would be sitting at Obi-Wan's bed for some time now. He didn't want him to wake up alone.
This was not how Cody had planned his and the 212th battalion's mission to end. This was his fault. He was the reason Obi-Wan was hurt so badly he couldn't even stand on his own when they tried to get back on the ship. The Jedi would not agree, but Cody knew if he had just reacted quicker and seen the bomb before it was too late, this could have been prevented. He was a Commander, and right now, he didn't feel like he lived up to that position. And their General was not the only one, multiple of his brothers were scattered all over the medbay, too.
He got pulled out of his own thoughts when someone laid a hand on his shoulder and gave it a soft squeeze. He looked up and was met by Rex standing next to him, looking not at him, but at Obi-Wan when he said, "it's not your fault, you know? Sometimes bad things happen and it's no one's fault. They just happen. And then we have to find a way to deal with them. I know you're blaming yourself for what happened to your General and your vods, but you're just a man, ori'vod. Just a man." He looked down at where Cody was sitting, a small, gentle smile on his lips.
Then, his gaze returned forward to the sleeping figure. His voice turned quieter when he spoke again, "I know him and you are more than just General and Commander." It wasn't an accusation. It was an observation. "And I'm happy you have someone in your life who makes this war more tolerable. Though it also makes it more vulnerable. What I'm trying to say is that I'm here for you. And that you can talk to me, about anything. I mean anytime, you know?"
Rex looked tired, and Cody didn't blame him for it. He wanted nothing more than to lay in Obi-Wan's quarters and let this day find an end. But things barely ever worked out in Cody's favor.
He took a deep breath and managed to smile at his brother. "Rex, tell me, wasn't I supposed to be the big brother between us?"
Rex' smile twitched and he gave Cody's shoulder another squeeze. "Yeah well, even big brothers need a break sometimes. Maybe you don't always have to be everything for everyone. Let someone be there for you, for once."
Cody felt tears form in his eyes and turned away to blink a few times in an attempt to stop them from falling. He didn't respond, but Rex knew how to read his brother's silence by now. They both turned their faces towards Obi-Wan again and remained in a comforting silence for quite a while before Cody noticed Obi-Wan's breathing becoming irregular and shortly after, the jedi opened his eyes. It took him a few moments to realize where he was and why he was there before his eyes turned to the two men beside his bed.
First, he looked up at Rex and gave him a small nod as a greeting, a friendly but exhausted smile on his lips, both which the blonde man returned. Then, he locked eyes with Cody and Obi-Wan reached out to grab his hand that was resting on the sheets.
A final shoulder squeeze, and Rex took his hand off of his shoulder. "I'm going to leave you two alone now. Good night, General. Cody."
Obi-Wan responded, "Good Night, Captain. Thank you for being good company for my Commander while I was, well…, out."
"Of course, sir. See you in the morning, vod." With that, he turned around and left the room.
Cody and Obi-Wan were alone now and Cody couldn't help but to lean over and place a quick but deep kiss on Obi-Wan's lips, trying to translate with it everything he couldn't put into words just yet. How sorry he was and how he couldn't help but still blame himself even after Rex' words and how a part of him had been so irrationally scared of the possibility that he might not wake up again. And Obi-Wan kissed him back as if to say no, don't bear this alone. Don't swallow it all.
Rex words echoed, sometimes bad things happen and it's no one's fault.
———
Obi-Wan was staring at the ceiling of his quarters, Cody was staring at a map. "We promised to not take work into the bedroom." Dark brown eyes met Obi-Wan's, an apologetic smile on Cody's lips. "I need to figure out the best route for the mission tomorrow. I only need ten more minutes, cyar'ika."
The jedi couldn't be mad at his lover when he called him that, and Cody realized that a long time ago, too. A humph escaped the red-head and he laid back to stare at the ceiling again. With his arms crossed in front of his chest, he waited for Cody to finish his work.
At some point, against his intentions of waiting for Cody, he must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knew was darkness surrounding him:
Anakin was standing in front of him, but it wasn't Anakin. A creature, fuming with anger and staring at him with nothing but hate, has stolen his former padawan's face. Then, a lightsaber was turned on, shining red and matching its owner's eyes. Obi-Wan could not move, was only able to stare at the man in front of him. Some rational part of his brain was aware of this being a dream, yet he could not help his body tensing and feeling a phantom ache that almost felt too real when a lightsaber got rammed through his stomach. Anakin? No, there was nothing left to call that name. A voice: You can not save him.
He woke up in the dark, feeling like a bucket full of iced water had just been poured over him. Cody's arm was draped over his chest. His head was spinning and for a few seconds, he could not tell where he was. He felt Cody's heated body pressed against his side and he turned over to face the sleeping man. Slowly, not to wake him up, he wrapped his arms around him and laid his head close to his chest. Obi-Wan closed his eyes and listened. And when he could hear his lover's steady heartbeat, he felt all the tension he was holding onto slip from his muscles. He knew Cody would have taken care of him if he had woken him up now and had told him about his nightmare but the jedi dismissed the idea after seconds. This was enough. Hearing Cody's heartbeat, knowing he was sleeping safe and sound, knowing he would still be there when he woke up in the morning, was enough.
Obi-Wan's hands were still shaky, sweat had created a thin layer over his skin and he couldn't stop repeating the events of his dream inside his head, looking for a clue, an idea, anything to figure out why Anakin, his former padawan and best friend, would take on the form of a sith lord. He then refused to think about it for too long, and forcefully told himself to not accept it as a vision. Anakin was a good man and even if he wasn't perfect, he would trust him with his life.
He closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep again.
———
Obi-Wan was staring at the ceiling, on another planet, trying to ignore the loneliness that had made a home of his heart a long time ago.
This time, Cody was sitting in the dark by himself, trying to remember a time where there was someone by his side. But he is not able to grasp the memory, only the feeling of warmth and security was something his brain did not remember, but his heart certainly did.
Obi-Wan gave up on the idea of falling asleep and got up to get some fresh air. He sat outside for a long time, looking up at Tatooine's moons and trying not to think about how fast everything went wrong and how this was his first night without Cody by his side. His heart ached by the memory of the other man. He knew that Cody did not willingly betray him, and even if the shot that had been aimed at him had not killed him that day, he ultimately lost a part of himself he will never get back and he was painfully aware of it.
He took a deep breath and stood up again. He walked back inside his house and laid down in his bed. If he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend to be in his room in the Jedi temple again, or in one of the sleep quarters on a ship, Cody asleep next to him and the feeling of security that was nothing more than a faint memory now.
Cody only noticed he was crying when a tear fell onto the back of his hand, his hands both crasping the sheets in front of him. He was sitting hunched over on a bed, in a small room, on an imperial ship. A place where he was not meant to be, not now, not anymore, even if he can't fully grasp why it felt so wrong.
A nightmare had woken him up, and even while he couldn't remember anything specific, he woke up feeling something akin to helplessness and terror and, above all, guilt. There was something familiar in this moment, but a familiarity he was unable to connect to any memory. But this had happened before. No, not exactly like this. There had been someone who had reached out and had held him after a nightmare once. He was sure of that. If he could only remember.
And just like that, he whipped his tears away and laid back down again. He was a soldier. He belonged to the Empire. He closed his eyes.