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“What is all this?”
He shrugs, almost shy, “I just figured we kind of didn’t get to finish celebrating New Year’s together so I thought we’d try again.”
Amanda glances around the living room in awe, the walls decorated with black and gold stars and a “2021” banner adorned the mantle. Amanda raised her eyebrow at the sparkly balloons that littered her floor.
“The balloons were on the wall too but Jesse wanted to play with them,” Carisi explained, shrugging again. “They’re both asleep, by the way.”
Amanda shook her head. Jesse rarely could get to sleep without knowing her mother was there. It was no surprise to her that he could so easily get her daughter to sleep. Both of her girls loved Sonny and she was incredibly grateful for them to have that male figure in their lives. “You didn’t have to do all this. I fell asleep before the ball could even drop anyway.”
“I know. I thought maybe we could just rewatch the show and see it drop.”
Amanda wanted to ask why but kept quiet.
“There’s leftover ziti in the fridge, too.”
It also didn’t come as a surprise that he cooked for her girls, he often did, but she felt bad that she wasn’t there to enjoy it with them.
“I’m sorry,” she told him, “I ate something earlier. I should’ve known you were going to cook -”
“It’s no big deal,” he reassured her but Amanda could see his jaw clench.
“Are you - upset?”
Sonny was quiet which worried her a lot but she waited for him to speak. “Why are we so awkward?”
“What?”
“I just mean - why does it feel so weird between us now? Is it because of that fight we had a few months ago?”
“No, that’s over with. I’m not holding a grudge for that. I just don’t understand what you mean by awkward.” He gave her a look. “I’m serious!” she added.
“Just a week ago, I was here. We had a good time. You fell asleep on me and -”
“And? Did I drool on you or something?”
“No! It was just…”
“Just...what?”
“Just a nice feeling. And then your phone rang.”
Amanda bit her lip. They were going into unchartered territory. Danger, danger, her thoughts screamed. She stayed silent.
“And you had to go and I really, really wish you didn’t. Because of the feeling.” Sonny was usually better with his words but now he was stumbling over them to express himself to her. He felt like an idiot.
“Ok,” Amanda said slowly, “so what? You want me to...fall asleep again?”
“No,” Sonny said, frustrated, running a hand over his forehead, “no, I wanted to wake you up before midnight.”
“To see the ball drop?”
“Yeah, and you know, ring in the New Year.”
Abort, abort, her mind screamed again but her mouth blurted: “you wanted to kiss me at midnight?”
“I mean, it’s good luck.” Sonny joked but inside was panicked at the tone of her voice. Robotic, disinterested.
Amanda shook her head, “I don’t believe in that kind of thing.”
Sonny looked down at his socked feet, his frustration getting to him at her defiance and refusal to engage in this very one-sided conversation. “You see, this is what I mean by awkward. First, we get close, and then a wall. As if it never happened. And now I’m here, trying to -”
“Trying to what? Sleep with me?”
Sonny sucked in a sharp breath at that. He was used to her walls and he was used to her using her insecurities to deflect on how she really felt. She tried so hard to push him away all the time. He still struggled with his words, hoping not to make her upset or angry.
“Trying to -” he paused, sighing, “you know what.”
Nice. Smooth. Clever. His thoughts taunted him.
Amanda crossed her arms and furrowed her brows but he knew that look well.
“You know I have feelings for you and I know you feel something for me,” he finally said. “I know you try and keep me at arm’s length because you want me close but not too close.” He almost winced when he noticed her eyes welling with tears as she listened to him. “I know that it’s hard for you to admit your feelings, and I’ve kept mine for a long time because I didn’t want to scare you.”
Amanda’s arms lowered and before a tear could fall she caught it with her hand, swiping under her eye. “Why me?”
Sonny made his way closer to her, minding the balloons. He grasped her shoulders to make her look at him, giving her a smile with his dimples that made her heart flutter. “Why not you? You’re smart, funny, got a laugh that’s out of this world. Beautiful, obviously.” He leaned into her, “I know you hate hearing this.”
She laughed at him making light of something that felt so heavy. She appreciated that he knew her so well. She wanted to hear those words badly but also wished he never said them.
She stopped smiling, looking anywhere but him. “It’s hard for me to hear these things about myself because you know I don’t see myself that way. No one in my life ever has.”
“I do see you in all of those ways and more. They’re not all nice. You’re stubborn as hell, too, you know that?” He risked reaching out with his hand to tuck her bangs behind her ear. Amanda’s heart raced at his closeness. He was still smiling, joking with her and she loved him for that.
“Everyone has always left me.” Amanda began, “and I’m working on believing that it isn’t because of me but it’s really hard.” He was listening intently and not interrupting and she found that she loved that about him too. “You - you are like a best friend to me, you’re so good to me, my girls. You’re so kind and I’m so - not.”
“You are though,” Sonny protested then, his hands going to her elbows now. He took her not pulling away from him as a very, very good sign. “You’re always checking on me, too. You know when I’m upset, you try to cheer me up. You couldn’t handle your job if you didn’t have a big heart. And the way you are with your girls - you’re so loving and a great mom to them.”
Amanda smiles and her heart swells at his words. He really was so kind, and she felt fortunate to have him in her life, even if she didn’t see him as much as she was used to anymore. “I can’t believe you’re here saying these things to me, it doesn’t seem real.”
“You had hoped? Dreamed?” He teased.
“I tried not to,” she said, “you’re the only man in my life that’s ever really given a damn.”
“Frankly, my dear, I do give a damn.”
Amanda rolled her eyes and smiled but her eyes were wide with fear of the unknown. “I’m scared,” she admitted, “I really don’t want you to leave again.”
“I don’t have to leave,” he told her, serious now, “I can stay however long you want.”
Amanda’s heart raced, her stomach in knots, nervous. This was a huge step and an even bigger risk she would be taking. But how could she not try? “That would make the girls happy.”
“Would that make you happy?” He squeezed her arms gently.
She remembered how much fun they’ve had in her home, with her girls. Cooking, watching tv, feeding the baby, putting them to sleep, playing games, all of it. It was very domestic and intimate already and they were so comfortable in it. Amanda took a deep breath. “Yes.”
“Good!” he beamed and she immediately shushed him to remind him not to wake the girls. They went quiet for a moment to listen for stirring or sudden whining but all was quiet.
They smiled at each other, for a moment basking in their new relationship which Amanda realized probably wouldn’t even change much except for the kissing and well, other stuff. She waited for him to kiss her, smiling up at him and batting her eyes playfully.
He gave her another look, not falling for her charms. “Didn’t you just say you were over me becoming an ADA? That you’re not holding a grudge? Will this be held over my head forever? I won’t have it, I tell you -”
“Shuutuuuuup,” Amanda groaned, rolling her eyes. She put her hands on his face and pulled him down to her. She kissed him and wrapped her arms around his neck when he kissed back, sighing happily into his mouth.
Amanda pulled away after kissing him once more on the corner of his mouth, her hands caressing the back of his head. She looked into his eyes. “Thank you for giving me our night back.” She jokingly glanced around at the mess in her living room. “You’re cleaning this up too, right?” She batted her eyelashes again.
Sonny nodded solemnly. “Later.” He surprised her by wrapping his arms around her back and picking her up. She tried to stifle her laughter as he made his way to her bedroom.