Work Text:
from: Gojo
to: Megumi
Subject: how to love a dying boy in five easy steps
(Disclaimer: I warned you, didn’t I? You’re either thinking “Gojo you’re always meddling with things that have nothing to do with you.” or “We’re all dying this is literally a sorcery school.” Either way, you’re probably going to read it anyways - eventually at least. This will look like the five stages of grief but it is different because I made it and the five stages are dumb and don’t even work. Anyways hope this helps, I haven’t forgotten you.)
1. denial
You’ll deny that it’s love, or at least that kind of love. You just work well together, is all, you need him to get better, there’s only three of you in your year anyways right? It’s in your instinct to want to protect them, it’s our business to protect things. There’s no need to wonder about what to call it. This part is a lot harder when you two are on the same page, so sometimes it’s better to leave things misunderstood.
Should you decide you’re in love with them, then you’ll likely deny that they’re dying. There could be another way out. No one has to die, not if you’re strong enough. (They do, everyone at this place does. After all, where do you think strength comes from?) You look at how great they’ve gotten, how much stronger they seem and think to yourself - See? This is not the face of a dying boy. This is the worst thing you can say to yourself. Because that is the same face that you may eventually watch the light drain out of.
So you’ve accepted that they are dying, congratulations! You’re now denying that you will likely be the one to have to kill them. This one‘s trickier because there’s a small chance that they’ll go some other way. You know this, and worse, sometimes you wish this was the way it would end. On an extremely rough mission, some special grade spirits, Sukuna gets bored. In fact, each time you come back successful you’ll still feel like you failed, because if the blood is not on their hands it’s only a matter of time before you see red everywhere.
2. anger
You’ll definitely be mad at him. Who takes on death for some weird sense of nobility? Where is their sense of self-preservation? Does he even want to live? To be here? (You told me that once, on our way back from that first day. “It’s like he wanted to get killed,” you mumbled. And yet you still asked me to spare him. Cause even then you knew what you know now - that he’s just as terrified as you are.)
You might even be angry at me, and I get it. Who puts a weight like that on some kid’s shoulders? I would be lying if I said I didn’t think he’d take the deal. I know a martyr when I see one - ever so selfless, dying for the cause. So dramatic, aren’t they? It’s always the martyrs that are hardest to love. And yet look at you. Look at us, I guess. Doing it with our eyes closed and our hands tied.
But mostly, you’ll be angry at yourself. You’ll probably tear yourself to pieces honestly. You’re doing it now aren’t you? Telling yourself you let your personal feelings get in the way, that you should’ve just let him go from the beginning. Maybe then we wouldn’t be in this mess. (Yes we because I’m the one who listened.) Feelings are a tricky thing you’ve never been a fan of, clouding your judgement and making you soft. Or maybe you’re angry you can’t think of another way, you feel stuck and every time we get closer it’s like digging a shovel into the ground.
Sometimes the anger is useful, on a mission against some curse. Sometimes it gives way to nothing, and you’re watching their face behind closed eyelids and scrubbing your hands cause you swear you can still see the blood on them. (They’ll never feel clean again - even though you’ve killed before.)
Nobody will blame you. At least that’s what they say. They won’t be angry, but it doesn’t really matter. Feels like shit regardless.
3. bargaining
This is already hard to grasp for the normal out there who live their life with no knowledge of curses or sorcery, and therefore infinitely harder for people like us. You know of dead things come alive, of trades and deals and workarounds. Hell, you’ve seen him with his heart out his chest and he still walked back into your life, so part of you thinks, surely there’s another way. Another option. One where we can all be happy.
Bargaining never comes without costing you something. “Jujutsu sorcerers never die without regret,” or whatever. You think, There can’t be a worse regret than letting them die. But you have to believe me when I tell you there is. If you don’t trust anything else I say, trust this.
I don’t really have advice for this stage other than do not stay in it too long. There is nothing noble about saving someone who has no intention of being saved. Death is simple. It’s the one thing you know well. Don’t complicate it.
4. depression
This one is the hardest to remember but I’ll do my best. I tried to warn you early on because I knew this phase would only bolden your self-sacrificial streak. When I say sorcery is an individual sport what I mean is it’s lonely. Because the more you lose, the less you have to lose. And while that can be freeing, it can also be terrifying.
You won’t really have time to sit in bed and wallow - we’re understaffed, as you know - so this stage might show up in other ways. Going against a curse you know you’re not fully trained for. Waving off a wound as less serious than it is. Insisting on going alone.
Let me be clear, being alone and being lonely are two different things. A sport is useless without other players. There’s no use trying to handle it all on your own. Sorcery is individual - life isn’t. Unlike the bargaining stage, you can stay in this one as long as you need to. All you need to know is it doesn’t make you weak, and you will see the other side. I can’t tell you when, or how, which isn’t really helpful but one day you wake up and the light pouring in from the window doesn’t make you flinch. And that’s enough.
5. acceptance
You’re probably thinking “Gojo, this hasn’t been helpful at all,” or “Again, why are you interfering without anyone asking?”. To which i would say you’re the one who fell in love with a death sentence. You knew from the day you asked me to spare him you were screwed. I knew it too, so maybe that’s why I’m so invested. Maybe I saw something familiar in you and I thought I’d give you that chance. Cause I wouldn’t have changed a thing. Do you get that? Even on my darkest days, I wouldn’t have loved any less. You might think I’m messing with you now, but I need you to get this.
You’ll be okay. You’ll be different of course. Loss always changes you, often irreversibly, but it’s them or the world and if that time comes you know what you’ll have to do. Love may be the greatest curse of all but what does it matter when you were always meant to be a cursed thing? What good does it do to try and rewrite what’s been etched into stone from the start?
Falling in love with a martyr means giving them their release is a love language all its own. When I say you’ll always die alone it means because you make sure others don’t. You let him save others, and then you save him. After all, what good is love, if it doesn’t give way to freedom? Even from themselves?
Even from you?
(Second disclaimer: As well as not being helpful in terms of things you can actually do I should also probably mention that this isn’t linear at all. The point is really that you’re not alone. And I’ll be proud of you all the same.
Who knows, maybe this won’t even be needed and we’ll all look back at it and laugh. I just thought you should be prepared more than I was. That might seem a bit confusing, but I think certain stories are better told in person. And if nothing else, I’m sorry. If you ever do figure out a better way to get through all this, well then congratulations. You’re the strongest.)
Saving changes…
Draft saved.