Archive of Our Own

Sometimes when Kagura passes by the dresser and there's no one else in the room for her to feel embarrassed around, she stares at her wedding ring.

It's not cheap or fake like the many other things in her life. It’s a luxurious piece of finery, the oceanic blue colour of the gem a near-perfect match to her own eyes. Just looking at it makes her feel undeserving, and for that reason it spends its days sitting on her dresser, unscathed and untouched, just something for her to marvel at every now and then. Having superhuman strength has its own benefits, but sometimes she wishes she wasn’t able to break metal with a mere flex of a finger.

Of course, the ring still does mean something to her outside of just it’s worth. Looking at it brings back the memory of how she received it from the one man on earth that she would never ever have expected it from. 

To put it simply, the sadist's proposal was poorly timed, blatant, dull, unromantic, insulting, and extremely underwhelming. In other words, nothing like what happened on TV.

And despite that, Kagura would be lying if she were to say the proposal didn't make her even the slightest bit giddy whenever she thought back on it.

She supposes that the lazy approach suited him. In fact, thinking about it, she would probably have turned him down if his proposal rivaled that of a typical soap opera. The sadist isn't the kind of person to do anything extravagant, and he’s also never openly enthusiastic or passionate about anything either. In a way, it was so him .

So even if she was only planning on sitting next to him on the park bench that day in a moment of peace, when he decided to ruin it by making a rude comment about how a pig like her should go roll in the mud instead of sullying government-owned property, 

even if he was smirking at her after dodging the punch she sent his way, then subsequently held out the lavish ring as if he hadn’t just referred to her as a fat, pink, domesticated, dirty mammal that belongs in mud,

even if his stupid face was looking away from her instead of meeting her eye, as he muttered the words "marry me you ugly brute" while staring at a nearby tree,

even if nothing about the scene was the least bit romantic (or kind for that matter) and his voice couldn’t have sounded more uninterested when he spoke,

and even if he is a useless, obnoxious, impassive, sociopathic, tax-robbing, violent, downright murderous, sadistic, jerk,

it didn’t stop the immediate rush of emotions, the butterflies from forming in her stomach, the heat from spreading to her face, her heart from beating at frighteningly rapid rates, and the entire world from spinning until she could breathe again. 

That afternoon ended with a bench smashed into pieces, a beautiful ring in her hand, and two broken fingers on his. 

And now that they are officially married and living together, Kagura absolutely refuses to ever let him know the lasting effect his proposal had on her. Despite everything that’s changed, she knows all too well about the pool of sadism lying behind that admittedly handsome face. He's like a wolf in that he would never hesitate to bare his fangs at a sheep that lays itself naked in front of him. Hence, the last thing she wants is to give him yet another embarrassing instance of her life to never let her live down.

After all, they’re going to be with each other for a long time.

In the days leading up to her wedding, she thinks about all the changes to her life that'll come from living in a house with actual money coming in.

Marrying a police officer means she is in a substantially better financial situation than when she was freeloading off that lazy permed samurai who spent more money on sugar and gambling than anything else in life, so there is really no need for her to even bother finding a place within the workforce to make ends meet. 

Not only that, but there’s also the benefit of someone else buying hers and Sadaharu’s food, and there’s enough money to fill them both up completely. So long to the days of painful starvation from a lack of job requests, and it’s thanks to there being an actual stable source of income in their house, and not just scanty amounts of money that barely suffice for monthly rent.

Honestly, the sadist should’ve proposed to her earlier. Not having to work to be fed is more than she could ever ask for, so all she has to do now is enjoy the comfort of a lazy lifestyle as she waits out the rest of her years.

… 

But perhaps it’s a tad bit unfair that she would only be basking in the money he makes and spends on her while she does nothing at all to contribute. 

Well, the sadist shouldn’t be expecting so much from her anyway! He should be honoured that she , a kind and beautiful maiden, even agreed to marry an ugly jerk like him in the first place. There’s no way she should have to get a job for him as well.

However, it can’t be helped now that she’s a wife. People in a married relationship both have to make a contribution somehow, right? Even if one of them is the Queen of Kabukichou and the other is a stupid tax-robbing sadist.

But considering her (lack of) interests, skills, and desire to work, her career paths are limited to two choices: 

1. The Yorozuya (which barely even makes enough money to count as a job and Gin-chan spends all of their meager pay on himself anyway, so it's mostly just an excuse to goof off every now and then)
2. Alien hunting (it's fun exploring space and improving her skills in battle, but being away from her Earth family for long periods of time leaves her feeling miserable after a while, and there was also the ordeal of a long-distance relationship now that she's married, so a job in space probably isn't ideal)

And since neither of those seem like they would work out, that means a job is out of the picture, which leaves her with one option: Housewife. 

Ah. It’s come to this.

She considers it. She really does. 

But she just can’t see it.

On one hand, there probably does need to be someone to take care of the work around the house. But that doesn't mean she has to do it, right? 

If she gets a job, she can pay for a maid, right? Heck , they could just have Shinpachi do the work at their home right? He did the housework at the Yorozuya for free, so surely there was no problem with him doing the work at another house if she paid him, right? 

It would be all fine and dandy besides the fact that it still came down to her having to get a job, and there’s no telling how long she would last having to work an actual job for an actual boss in an actual work environment. 

Would the sadist be annoyed by her uselessness? Would she no longer be able to live off of food she didn’t have to pay for?  

Perhaps she’s overreacting. Perhaps he had already taken her laziness into account when he decided to marry her. Perhaps she should just talk with him instead of worrying like this.

Perhaps, when she called Shinpachi for a favour, she should have added in a threat to keep it a secret that she’s learning to cook and clean from him. 

It’s much too cold to be considered an early spring night, and the too-thin sheets of their futon can barely be considered adequate protection from the harsh weather.

Well, at least not for her. On the opposite end of the futon, the sadist looks quite comfortable despite the cold temperature, snoozing peacefully like a newborn child, his breaths gentle and slow. She, on the other hand, is sporting a second layer, but has nonetheless spent the last hour still trying to warm-up. Falling asleep seemed like a distant goal far, far away into the future.  

In the midst of her shivering, Kagura scrutinizes her sleeping husband. The freezing air surrounding them looks like it could have less of an effect on his body, so either he’s an amazing actor, or he values his sleep too much to be bothered by the likes of cold weather. 

This is one of the few moments ever where he actually looks… innocent , like a pure, untainted child, dreaming of gumdrops and sugar cookies in candyland, and definitely not a murderous government dog who feels satisfaction in seeing people suffer. It’s irritating beyond belief and she holds back the urge to kick him just to see the pissed off look he'll make after being woken up from such a peaceful slumber. It would serve him right, especially after today's earlier conversation.

...

“At the rate the temperature is dropping, I will be too busy shivering to get any sleep at all tonight.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure your pig fat will keep you nice and toasty.” He dodges the couch pillow thrown his way.

“Shut up! I am in a very serious predicate! A lack of sleep would be terrible for a maiden’s skin, yes?"

“'Predicament' you dolt."

Another pillow thrown that misses its target. He makes a clicking sound in annoyance.

“Here’s a thought China. Why not make sure you don’t freeze to death tonight?”

“Stupid sadist. As if it is that easy.”

“We share a futon pea-brain.”

“That has nothing to do with anything, yes?”

“Do I need to spell it out for you? Body warmth !”

Oh.

Heat spreading to her face so fast, she instantly forgot how cold she was feeling seconds ago. Looking away from him because she probably looks like a tomato.

A pair of red eyes now attentive and locked onto her. His eyebrow raised. And then, a trademark evil grin forming, the pile of unfinished police reports on his desk forgotten.

“Are you still embarrassed to cuddle?” 

“Of course not! I just do not want your filthy hands on my body, yes? Idiot!”

"We’ve done it plenty times before moron. Why are you still so scared?"

“I am not scared, yes? I just do not want to, that is all.”

“Do you have anything else in mind then?”

"As if I need help from an ugly sadist like you. Hmph!"

“Hmmmm?” He eyes her long and hard, his evil grin unmoving. “Okay, feel free to fend for yourself then.”

...

She curses herself for being a tsundere and also for marrying a sadist. ‘ Are you embarrassed to cuddle? ’, as if she was actually going to say ‘yes’ to that. Any time they did, it just happened on its own and she was never awake to actually have any recollection of it. At some point in the night, they would get closer, and then they'd find themselves tangled in each other's arms come morning. But how was she supposed to consciously initiate that herself without waking him up and then being made fun of about it for at least the next 60 years of her life? 

She takes a look at his alarm clock and is horrified seeing that it was very well past midnight. There is a teeny tiny part of her that yearns to give up, snuggle into his arms, and drift off to sleep, but the rest of her refuses to give him the satisfaction in winning this unspoken competition on the chance he wakes up and sees her submitting. 

Kagura stayed resilient for as long as she could, fighting the bone-chilling weather by herself like the strong Gintama heroine she is. Alas, it became a losing battle after she realized her victory would be extremely bittersweet if she ended up sleep-deprived and feverish at the end of the night. 

Just when she feels she can’t take it anymore, an arm gently slinks over her back and she is smoothly pulled into her husband’s chest. The shirt he's wearing smells like their detergent and she instinctively buries her nose into the clean scent. Warmth and comfort immediately fill her as she peers up and sees his baby-like sleeping complexion.

So this is how it happens. At least staying awake solved a mystery. Sort of.

Was he awake? For how long? Was he also feeling cold? Did she win ? 

But she ends up falling asleep before she can get any answers. 

There were days she wholeheartedly enjoyed his presence in her life and there were also days she would not hesitate to strangle him in his sleep. Or at least just lock him in a closet so she didn’t have to see his stupid face for a couple of hours (or days). 

It's times like these when Kagura remembers that the man she vowed to spend the rest of her life with, "to love, respect, and protect until death (or at least until one of them assassinates the other)", is a full-time prick with sadism running in his veins. The realization is like a cake shoved into her face, except it's frosted with Tabasco sauce instead of icing, so it stings more than it is tasty.

Such instances include, but are not limited to: 

• Starting her day off with groggy eyes and a very messy bedhead, then being greeted with a comment comparing her unkempt appearance to a hairy gorilla's unshaved armpits, and a (presumably fake) call to animal control “just in case there’s been an infestation in the city”.
• Sitting down for dinner with him, preoccupied with her phone and not looking when taking a spoonful of what was supposed to be rice, instead biting into a mound of black pepper, and then hearing a familiar sick laugh from across the table as she feels her mouth burning and tears running down her face.
• Waking up one morning to find a cockroach crawling up her face and a note beside her that said he "had to leave early today, please take this cockroach in absence of me", signed off with a lone 'S', the letter in the signature either to denote the sick being who pulled the prank, his defining character trait, or both.
• Setting off for a leisure walk in the town, holding her parasol above her head while opening it, only to have, what feels like, a liter of soy sauce drop on her, sticking to her skin and dripping from her hair and clothes. It was a poor decision to wear white that day. Gin-chan kept laughing while Shinpachi dozed her body in water.

Frankly she isn't sure if killing her husband is enough, because wouldn’t she be the only one hurting if she ended up a widow before their one-year anniversary? Did he even have life insurance? On top of that, there’s no fun in pulling pranks on a dead person either. Thus, the consequences are much too risky, so maybe she should postpone his eventual assassination for a later date. 

However, there were only so many instances where she’s able to perfectly time Sadaharu's bladder so that he projects his dump square on the sadist's clothes. There are only so many bones and joints in the sadist's inferior body that she could injure during her pretense massages before he arrests her for attempted murder. And there’s only so much soy sauce and mustard in the house that she can use to fill his underwear and replace his shampoo with before she overspends on condiments. 

So until she finds the most efficient revenge to enact on her husband that would still leave him traumatized enough to never play a prank on her again, she settles for warm baths and discounts on condiments. 

Kagura learns that no matter what happens, no matter how much time passes, some things just never change, and that includes Kabukichou. 

Five years later and the town is just as vivid and lively and she wouldn't have it any other way. The streets are still crowded and noisy, alleyways still dark, dirty, and rodent-infested, shops bursting, clubs and bars populated and prominent, the people still strange and rude and stupid and lovable in every way. 

And there'll always be a sadist assigned to patrol the area every now and then, whether he likes it or not, who quickly gets bored of his job and lazes off or searches for 'entertainment' instead of making good use of tax-payers money. 

Eventually they'll find each other, maybe on a park bench or a busy street, and he'll drag her along on his patrols regardless of if she wants to come or not. It almost feels like a play, and they've rehearsed it so many times that the lines and actions just naturally come to them. Rarely does something not go according to script. 

And Kagura doesn't complain (too much) either. He's still a jerk so it's only expected that he teases and makes fun of her any chance he gets, but they'll also make jokes about the people and things they come across, annoy the mayo-addict whenever he calls the sadist, play pranks on Gin-chan and Shinpachi if they see them or pass by the Yorozuya house, and snack on the food he buys for the two of them before she half pleads-half threatens him to get more for her. The entire time, they smile and bicker and laugh, like they're children who are incapable of growing up. 

They don't really do anything explicitly romantic but she likes it better that way. He holds her hand in his, and that's more than enough because there's something about his hold that just resonates so nicely with her, not too tight but definitely not loose. It serves as a perfect reminder to the world that yes these two are a couple, even if their conversations consist of nothing but vulgarities and the most publicly inappropriate language that makes passing mothers cover their childrens' ears, and even if he pinches her cheeks and laughs at her while she tries to step on his shoes with a force strong enough to send cracks in the ground just because she can.

It also serves as a means of keeping her with him, as if he sees her as some kind of rambunctious dog ready to escape her owner the moment her collar comes off. Knowing the sadist, he probably would prefer placing an actual electric collar around her neck instead of simply clutching her hand, both for his own sick sadistic desires and to make sure she doesn't leave him. The only setback, she assumes, is that he's a high-ranking member of the special police force, and he would probably get the scolding of a lifetime if he jeopardized the military unit’s already unfavorable public image (and also because she will never approve of it and would enact something equally as humiliating onto him if he were to ever attempt to pull it off on her).

It shouldn't even have to be a problem in the first place. But once again, he is an idiot.

He should already know that she never plans on leaving him. 

The sadist really isn't perfect husband material. Not in a million years. Comparing him to the men in shoujo manga is tantamount to comparing the villain and hero respectively in a typical cheesy fairytale.

That being said, Kagura still wouldn't trade him for anyone else. Even though he's a sadistic idiot, he's also her idiot, and she takes pride in knowing that there isn't a single being in the universe who would tolerate him as much as she does (he doesn't need to know that though). 

So it would be nice if Papi didn't continuously question her choices in men in his letters to her, and if Papi didn't glare at the sadist or direct silent death threats at him during his visits to Earth, as if her husband is the absolute scummiest of all existing scum in the universe (while he’s not wrong, the constant disapproval still isn’t always necessary). 

And it would be nice if Kamui didn't force his way between her and the sadist whenever they so much as touch each other or exchange a word of dialogue, and if the sadist didn't make the situation even worse by inducing her brother into a death match, one in which she is always the unfortunate center of. (Since when did her brother even become so possessive of her anyway?)

It’s recent encounters like these that make Kagura marvel at how much her family has changed.

Five years ago, Kamui expressed little to no interest in her love life (or her life altogether), and yet, years later, she's become so precious to him that he can't even bear with the fact that she has someone else to take up her time in the same way he does. He hides his unease behind an unfaltering empty smile, in addition to various punches and insults, but he made the mistake of thinking she, his sister, his blood , wouldn't see through him. Just how big of a dummy does he take her for anyway?

On the other hand, the sadist doesn't seem to care even a little about her family's clear distaste for him, and it's more of a frustration than relief for her. Everytime Papi or Kamui decide to visit her, he wears his signature smug expression as he greets her family, and, of course, always remembers exactly where to aim his unwanted jabs and remarks. His reward for doing so? A supposed priceless expression on the baldy's face that tells her husband he has successfully petrified the poor old man's mental state for at least the rest of his life.

The sadist is also awarded with a no-bars battle to the death with her brother, and she knows they both look forward to it, the two idiots not even needing to be provoked to have a reason to go after each other’s throats. They're the kinds of ruthless morons who put themselves in danger just to feel that awakening thrill of their blood pumping, in addition to the glorious chance that one of them would be the victor laughing down at the other’s dead body, an accomplishment that has yet to be achieved by either of them since their duels always end with a forced draw due to certain, necessary interventions. (Seriously, someone would have been dead by now if she didn't bother to step in every. single. time.)

Being the sibling of a sadistic idiot is one thing, but marrying a sadistic idiot is probably her own fault. However, it can’t be helped since she’s only ever been surrounded by morons her entire life.

(And it can’t be helped that she still cherishes those morons all the same.)

While there are days the sadist gets off early from work, there are also days where he has to stay back to work overtime. Usually, it’s to crash a late-night party that got out of control thanks to some riotous drunkards, or to bodyguard someone important at an event that is "too fancy to be inviting pigs like you". In any case, Kagura will always know beforehand, either when he calls her in the evening and it’s not just to remind her that she’s ugly, or at breakfast before he leaves, when he pokes her face with a chopstick or flicks her forehead to get her attention.

Except neither of those happened today, and he’s not home yet, and it’s past midnight, and there hasn’t been a single reply to her calls or texts, and the sky is fully black, and there’s nary a sign of life outside excluding the annoying insects buzzing around nearby streetlamps, and the clock keeps ticking, seconds keep passing, minutes, hours, and her finger won’t stop tapping against the table, and the shows on TV are getting less and less interesting, and the heaviness in her chest keeps getting heavier, and she couldn’t be more awake or alert at this time, her focus continuously shifting back and forth between the TV screen and front door for the past three hours. 

It’s not like she’s worried about him or anything. Really. She could care less about the safety and well being for a running candidate of the world's biggest douchebag. 

It’s just that she set out his dinner a couple of hours ago and both the food and effort gone into making it would go to waste if he didn’t come home to eat it. That’s all. Doesn’t he know how honoured he should feel knowing that a beautiful maiden like her prepared a meal just for him? Especially since this is her first time actually making something after days of eating out.

So what’s taking him so long?

Seriously, what does that idiot think he’s doing, staying out so late at night without even telling her? Did he go drinking? Is his phone dead? Broken? Who’s he with? What country is he in? Is he unharmed? Alive? In an alleyway? A hospital? A ditch? Is he coming home? When? 

It’s thoughts like these that have been plaguing her for hours, and the reason she hasn't fallen asleep yet either. She’s waiting, yearning , for the front door to slide open, followed by a tired sadist walking in and insulting her with the standard pig/gorilla/bear/beast/monster line that he’s used millions of times before in a million different ways. Then he’ll smile his annoying sadist smile as he pushes her bangs up and plants a kiss on her forehead. 

Just this once, she’ll let him get away with it all. 

So long as he eats his dinner of course. 

And that’s if he comes home. For all she knows, he could be dying in an abandoned building, fatally wounded and coughing up blood, speaking his last words of sentiment to his comrades (words that probably consist of more offenses and vulgarities than anything actually sentimental), and taking his final breaths of air in a bleak environment polluted with the disgusting smell of gunpowder and smoke. 

This is just one possibility of many, and she feels a sudden urge to wake Sadaharu up and search for him herself. Whether he’s passed out in a bar across the street or at the bottom of a lake on Planet Namek, he’s gotta be somewhere right? And if when she does find him, she’ll kill him. 

Kagura sees the clock finally hitting 1:00 a.m and feels her patience running thin.

Ten minutes. If he’s not home in ten minutes, she’s invading the Shinsengumi headquarters and demanding to know what stupid mission he’s been put on that would justify him being out so late and not even letting her know. That’s assuming he’s even on a mission right now. She’s sending him straight to hell if she’s not given a damn good excuse as to why he’s been out for so long without leaving a message for his wife about his whereabouts at this hour.

And also for wasting the food she made for him of course. This is the main reason.

Ten minutes pass, time spent both staring at the clock and thinking up suitable punishments for her husband that would still leave him at least 30% alive in the end. In a heartbeat, Kagura leaves the couch, slips her shoes on, and grabs her umbrella, then angrily slides the front door open while muttering several audible curses directed towards one person,

“Ah-”

before coming face to face with said person.

Ah.

Silence. 

… 

There isn't a single sound to be heard besides the crickets and other night insects lurking around their house.

… 

What?

“Yo.” Is all he says after they stare at each other for several blank seconds, both of them clearly surprised to see the other. He has visible bags under his eyes and he looks like he’ll collapse any moment from sheer exhaustion, probably because it’s past 1:00 a.m and he’s only come home now . Every ounce of anger and worry that she’s welled up over the past couple of hours can finally be expressed now that he’s right in front of her,

except she can’t find the words or even the feelings that have been developing within her this entire time, nor does she have the voice to greet him, and she continues staring at him in bewilderment, mouth gaping and eyes wide, and he's probably going to say her face looks like an ugly dead puffer fish, but she doesn't care right now because he’s here and he’s alive and safe and unharmed and standing and stupid and with her. 

Idiot. Stupid stupid idiot sadist. 

“Oi China! Hello?” His expression is a mixture of puzzled and impatient, and he waves a hand in front of her face. “How long are you going to stand there and stare at me for? You look like a dead puffer fish with your mouth gaping stupidly like that.” Gently shuffling past her, he kicks his shoes off and makes his way inside. 

For some reason, Kagura feels his sudden appearance is just too much to take in. Here she was listing the absolute worsts and was prepared to set out and search every nook and cranny of the universe for her husband, only for him to show up at their doorstep like it’s a completely normal and acceptable thing for him to come home at 1:00 in the morning, several hours after his shift at his job ended, said job being one that involves fighting, killing, and overall regularly putting his life on the line, and not even leaving any kind of message for his wife that he’ll be home late tonight. Prodigy swordsman or not, he isn’t immortal. 

Instinctively, she turns around and latches onto his arm. 

“Wha-”

Seriously, she’s not just dreaming or something right? He’s actually here, standing in front of her, within arm’s reach, and not dead at a fight scene or barely holding on in a hospital bed.

“Stupid sadist.” She says quietly.

“Did your brain finally rot or something? You aren’t normally this weird.”

She clenches his sleeve tighter.

“Why are you even up this late anyway?”

Salvaging her lost anger and the ability to speak, she finally looks up at him, missiles flashing in her eyes. 

“ Me ?! I am not the idiot who came home hours after curfew without even calling, yes?”

"Oh." He pauses for a moment and stares at her. “My phone died. My bad." Not even the slightest bit of sympathy in his voice. 

"It does not usually run out of battery when you are at work, yes?"

Shrugging and looking at the ceiling instead of at her. "I forgot to charge it before leaving this morning. It eventually just ran out."

Is he serious? 

Sighing before she can speak again. “Why were you out so late anyway? Your shift ended hours ago, yes?”

“Yeah but I had a bunch of overdo police reports that I had to finish, so Hijibaka made me stay back to get them done. Says it’s my punishment for putting too much poison in his mayonnaise yesterday, the annoying bastard."

Oh. Maybe she did overreact a bit. But he’s still at fault for not telling her!

“You could have let me know somehow, yes?! I was waiting for you to come home this entire time you no-good chihuahua!”

Raising his eyebrow like she’s the idiot here. “You could’ve just gone to sleep, moron.”

Of all the inconsiderate things…  

“I was worried something happened to you! Stupid!”

The look he gives her is one of pure astonishment, but it quickly morphs into something akin to amusement, and her face starts heating up at the realization that she just conveyed her concern for him out loud.

Shoot . He wasn’t supposed to hear that. 

“What’s this? China girl is being honest for once?” He snickers and creeps closer to her. “You wanna tell me more about how you were worried about me?”

“N-no", she stutters, losing confidence. "It is because I made you dinner and it would go to waste if you did not eat it, yes? Stupid sadist.”

He lets out a disappointed sigh. “Come on, I’m sure you can do better than that China.”

Saying it out loud, she realizes that it is quite unconvincing. Now that she’s finally released her confession, albeit accidentally, there’s no way the sadist would simply forget about it.

But it’s the middle of the night and Kagura has been up for hours, no thanks to being kept awake with multiple imaginary realities of her husband reaching the ‘bad-ending’, and so right now she could care less if he has one more embarrassing moment in his arsenal to torment her with. 

"Just go eat your dinner, yes?" She says, letting go of his arm. "Oh, and you can go die while you are at it." She adds before heading to their room. 

But instead of countering with a tease or something annoyingly insulting, he laughs lightly and decides to do something to which Kagura can only assume is because he's just as tired as she is.

“Stubborn little pig.” Is all he says, after he pulls her toward him and smiles his annoying sadist smile. He then pushes her bangs up and plants a kiss on her forehead. 

Normally she would counter with something of her own, but

just this once, she’ll let him get away with it. 

Kagura stares at the once spotless kitchen that had completely transformed itself into a warzone. Large splatters of cake batter decorate the walls and upper cabinets, the bottom edges of the stains slowly sliding down the surface, racing to see which gets to the floor first. The counters and floors are littered with piles of flour, egg shells, and sugar, with spilled milk filling in most of the empty in-between spaces. Her feet sift through the spilled ingredients as she moves around, like walking through sand on a beach. There's a sizable puddle of water in the midst of it all, a broken egg shell boat sitting in the middle of it.

Her apron is noticeably cleaner than the rest of her body, and she has the broken whisk machine to thank for that. The contents of her batter frame her face, with stains of flour and egg yolk smearing her cheeks and sticking to her hair. The rest of her clothes are a similar disarray of cake batter, egg, and flour.

But she doesn't care. The only thing she can think about is her third failed attempt at a birthday cake, it's perfect round shape now a disheveled broken mess on the floor. Just a few minutes ago, it was a beautiful golden brown circle ready to be decorated and presented, unlike her other two attempts, the first of which now resting in the trash can after it came out of the oven burnt to a crisp, and the contents of the second currently splattered all over the kitchen and her face. 

Her third attempt was the worst one by far. The damn dessert actually turned out well and she was finally going to make it to the decorating stage. And yet, it was her own neglect of the mess around her that she was planning on dealing with later that led to her literal slip-up, sending the cake flying in a graceful arc across the room before landing on the floor, broken and crumbled, just like all her efforts leading up to this point.

...

The sadist’s birthday is approaching and Kagura hasn’t the slightest idea of what to do. Finding the perfect gift for a guy whose hobbies and interests include torturing people, fighting, sleeping on park benches, killing people, not working, trying to assassinate his superior, being lazy, putting laxatives in other people’s food, and generally just being the biggest jerk to everyone he meets, is really no easy task. 

Normally she wouldn’t care that much. Gin-chan never cared about his birthdays and he says it's because at some point they just become a depressing reminder that he’s moving further and further away from his more youthful days. She would tease him about his old man stink and imaginary wrinkles until he would kick her out to buy sweets for him.

So it would be the same case for the sadist right? And if it is, wouldn’t she be doing her husband a favour by not celebrating his birthday? The sadist would be happy that his wife is so considerate, unlike him, so her one-time show of consideration could count as a birthday present on it's own right?

But there’s also the fact that it’ll be the first of his many birthdays that he’ll be experiencing as a married man, so there may be a need to have an actual celebration for that reason alone.

There's also the issue of… herself .

That is, who she is to him. She is his wife but she's also his only family right now.  

Kagura's not sure of the kinds of birthday celebrations his sister gave him, and frankly she would rather not approach him about such a sensitive topic. All she knows is that, despite being related to a literal piece of crap, Okita Mitsuba was a person sweeter than honey, who raised the sadist all on her own. It would've been nice to get to know her better. She has Kagura's respect already for being able to take care of such an ugly chihuahua for so long. 

And now it's up to Kagura to look after him.

Which means it's up to her, as his only family, to make his birthday feel somewhat special. 

The only problem is how , and this is an actual problem for her because a) he is the king of sadists and b) he is the king of sadists and she would rather bury herself alive than offer herself to him for whatever sick S&M play he has in mind.

And since the problem is too much work to approach on her own, she enlists the help of a few professionals.

… 

“Nothing M-rated!” Is all Gin-chan has to say. “You’re too young for that kind of stuff. You can hug, but you’ll have to get my permission first. And don't even think about kissing!”

Probably not the best idea to ask the only other overbearing parent in her life, but it was worth a shot.

“A gift from the heart never fails,” Shinpachi suggests. “It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as there’s love behind it.” He looks off in the distance like the experienced romanticist he isn’t and she can’t help but slap the gaze off of him because his shoujo manga obsession is showing and stop with those exaggerated teary eyes you creep .

But the advice itself isn't bad. In that case, she could buy the sadist his own pack of sukonbu, right? Sukonbu is packed with tons of love, and the act of gifting it is filled with tons more. Even someone as uncultured as the sadist would appreciate his own pack of sukonbu from yours truly,

… except it’s obviously not that simple, especially since she’s gifted him sukonbu before and even topped it with Tabasco sauce, only for him to immediately give it back to her. And it wasn’t an act of generosity either because the sadist isn’t a generous person and never will be. So even if he’s too stupid to understand the divine taste, she can’t imagine the situation playing out any differently this time around, no matter how heartfelt it is. And there’s no point in giving up one of her precious packs if he’s not going to like it.

“You should cook something for him!” Anego says. “Why not bake him a birthday cake? I could help you with it.”

Well she doesn’t want to kill him on his birthday, so she politely refuses the assistance. Would he even like a birthday cake? He would probably feel more enjoyment in seeing his wife down a litre of frog piss in one go rather than receiving a cake from her.

But it wouldn’t hurt to give him one anyway.

“Sougo is a difficult one, but you'll be just fine Miss China Girl, no matter what you do for him." The gorilla beams at her as he says this.

She raises an eyebrow. "That is not helpful at all, yes? I will be fine, how?"

He seems surprised at her question. "Because you make Sougo so happy! He comes into work everyday like he's looking forward to something at the end. That's the power of love after all!"

She feels her cheeks warming up in embarrassment. Was that really the truth? 

The mayo-addict doesn't even look up when she approaches him in his office. "I don't care. That sounds like your problem." His voice is dead and there’s something about the weariness in his tone that gave off the vibe that he really couldn't be bothered with her right now.

Still, there were more polite ways to do things! Especially when speaking to a maiden like her. "You were the most useless person I have spoken to all day, yes? I hope you choke on that cigarette!"

"That idiot is a handful." He speaks up just when she turns to leave. "But he needs something to keep him on the right path." He lifts his head and the faintest of smiles grace his lips. "You're the only one who can give him that." 

He speaks wisely, like he can read the sadist's feelings perfectly from front to back. As she leaves his office with red cheeks and ignoring his inquiry about how the hell she entered the building and does she have anything to do with that explosion noise earlier?, she mulls over the mayo-addicts words and all the information she’s gathered.

And she supposed it's everything she needs.

… 

How long has it been? Ten minutes? Sadaharu suddenly saunters into the room, seemingly awoken from his nap and probably hungry. He sees the liquid mess of cake batter on the walls and begins licking it off.

Well at least someone will end up enjoying her baking. 

Kagura thinks about getting up, but ultimately chooses to remain on the floor and continue staring at the sight around her, simply because she is the Queen of Kabukicho and therefore she can do whatever she wants (and also because the disappointment of having failed to bake a cake three times as well as the horror of the absolute disaster that is her kitchen easily overtakes any desire to move her body). 

She has time anyway. The sadist isn't supposed to be home for another few hours, so she can still clean up and possibly attempt another cake before he comes.

But the open-and-shut sliding sound of the shoji doors alerts her, and being the protective, guard dog that he is, Sadaharu momentarily stops licking the batter on the walls to investigate the arrival.  

That's strange , she could've sworn the doors were locked. Who could it even be? They don't get many visitors, and most of the ones they do get always knock or call beforehand, while the remainder neglect civility entirely and either blow up the door or bust a hole in the wall to let themselves in. 

"Oi China! Are you home?" Sougo yells.

Of course, oh of fricking course. 

All things considered, she probably should have taken into account that the sadist has made it a habit to make her life as difficult as possible.

The familiar sound of his footsteps pattering across the floor get louder and she realizes he's heading to the kitchen, and no he is not allowed to see this, none of this can be seen .

She scrambles to her feet and out of the kitchen, pausing just before him. He gives her a stare, obviously at her catastrophic appearance, but she speaks up before he gets the chance to say anything.

"You are not supposed to be here, yes?" 

He pockets his hands. "Sorry to break it to you China, but I live here."

"I mean ," she says, rolling her eyes, "you are supposed to be at work right now, yes?"

He shrugs. "Kondo-san let me off early because it's my birthday. I didn't think I had to call you about it."

"More importantly," he looks her up and down, raising an eyebrow, but nonetheless keeping the same deadpan tone, "what happened to you?"

"Umm… I got into a fight, yes? A food fight."

"With who?"

"Sadaharu."

He turns to look at the dog, the latter's white fur visibly clean and free of any food stains. "He doesn't seem to be damaged."

"Uh, Sadaharu was very good at dodging all my attacks, yes? He is a very talented dog after all." 

"So," his face is blank and the judgmental stare continues boring into her, "you had a food fight with Sadaharu…" he swipes a finger through her hair and eyes the flour on it, "using baking ingredients?" 

"Yes."

" Why ?"

"We were bored, yes?" 

"Why baking ingredients?"

"Do not judge me! Stupid sadist."

He definitely doesn't buy it.

"You're obviously hiding something." He wipes the flour covering his finger onto her nose and moves past her. "But I'll get it out of you later."

"Wait!" She quickly moves in front and barricades him from entering the kitchen. "You can not go in there." 

"Why the hell not? I'm starving."

"Sadaharu just took a big dump in there and I need to clean it up, yes?"

"If he took a dump like that then I would have smelled it from the other side of the neighborhood, moron. Now let me through." He tries pushing past her and she struggles to keep him back in the too-narrow space of their hallway. 

"I'll bring you something to eat, yes? Just do not go in there!" 

"Hell no, I wanna see what you're hiding from me."

He manages to take hold of her wrists and she tries to kick him to break free, but he dodges and pushes his way into the kitchen. His hand still holds her wrists together and he ends up dragging her in with him, ignoring her very audible protests and death threats. 

When he sees the mess, she looks away, and for several seconds neither of them say anything. 

"What the hell were you doing?" He finally says, his tone a mixture of puzzled and curious. She glances at his face and can truthfully say the same for his expression. 

"Nothing." She keeps a quiet voice and looks back at the ground. 

He probably spots the crumbled cake on the floor that Sadaharu has yet to finish. "Were you baking a cake?" 

"Shut up." 

"Was it for my birthday?"

"..." 

As expected, he starts laughing. It's not a soft or comforting laugh, but one that is completely sardonic and maniacal, and she wants anything but to be here right now, anything but to be standing next to him where she is trapped and has a front row seat to his merciless sadistic teasing.

"China, I think cakes are supposed to be a solid shape. And you know, together ." He says, letting go of her and walking over to attempt #3 to inspect the mess. "Were you planning to eat it off the floor like the pig you are?"

"Shut up! I baked it perfectly, yes? But I slipped and dropped it, and it fell apart." She eyes the third failure, arms crossed, anger levels rising. 

"Well no wonder you slipped." He lifts his foot off an egg shell and studies the room. "Were you planning to remodel the kitchen with your ingredients or something?"

"It is because of that stupid mixer, yes? It broke when I was mixing the ingredients and it all went flying everywhere! That is why I had to make another cake, yes?" 

"Wait," he turns to focus on her, "how many cakes did you make?" 

"Um, only two-"

" China ."

"Three…" With a sigh, she points to the trash can, where he discovers the hard blackened rock that is her first attempt.

Kagura hears the laugh again and oh how badly she wants the floor to swallow her whole.

"Laugh all you want ugly sadist. I hope you get eaten by a sleep demon tonight, yes? Hmph!" She turns to leave and clean herself up, and maybe after that abandon the house and never return until he gets on his knees like a good chihuahua and apologizes to her. 

However, she doesn't resist when the sadist pulls her back and captures her mouth in a slow kiss.

It takes her a second to register, but she eventually lets her fingers travel up his chest and cling to the collar of his jacket, while his hands move from cupping her cheeks to threading themselves into her dirty hair. For what could've been an eternity or a minute, she forgets about her frustration at the days events, and simply kisses him back with a similar fervour, tilting her head and standing on her tip-toes to get closer to him. 

When they inevitably separate, he whispers the quietest of thank you 's into her lips, and she's given a moment to revel in the sound before he takes her by the arm and leads her out of the kitchen.

"Where are we going?"

"To buy a cake from the bakery." He looks at her, a small grin on his face. "You've already wasted an entire month's worth of my salary today. No more baking for the next few weeks." 

"Hold on, what about the kitchen? That room will take a whole day to clean, yes?"

"We'll make someone else do it. I have slaves all over the city, don't you know?" 

She gives him a look expressing disapproval, but is unsure herself whether to feel ashamed or relieved. "You are a super sadist, yes?"

"And you married this super sadist anyway." He looks down at her clothes and frowns. "Hurry up and change or I'll put Tabasco sauce all over the cake and force feed it to you."

Kagura sticks her tongue out and runs to go change, but not before pausing at the door to look back at him, a thoughtful smile on her face.

"Sadist?" 

"What?"

Thank you, I love you, stay with me forever please , stupid tax-robbing jerk.

"Happy birthday, you no-good husband."

There's no doubt in her mind that he is the king of the planet of sadists, a tax-robbing jerk who is useless to society, a weak no-good chihuahua that could never be worthy of her, the beautiful Queen of Kabukicho,

But he's also an admittedly handsome idiot who likes to cuddle with her at night without even realizing, who drags her around town and gives her all the joy in the world but also picks fights with her family and causes her all the headaches imaginable, who teases her too much but still manages to make her heart melt all the same, and who she wants to look after and worry over and stand beside for the rest of her life,

It'll take time, patience, and a lot of broken bones, but she knows that she’ll always be able to call him her husband at the end of it all.