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It's been gnawing away at his mind for days now, the one question he can't answer. Eiji doesn't know how long he can last without an answer. But who is he to ask? Should he even be questioning it? How will he sound if he says it out loud?
Maybe it's better not to know the truth.
Eiji sighs and downs the last of the water in his glass. The question keeps him awake at night now; better this than a nightmare, he reasons. It doesn't make it any better. He's losing sleep regardless. He puts the glass in the sink and quietly makes his way back to the bedroom.
Ash is still sleeping, still in the same position he was in a few hours ago when they both went to bed. He looks calmer like this, wrapped in the blanket with his hands curled up by his face. His mouth is slightly agape and his brows aren't furrowed like they are when he has a nightmare. He looks peaceful… and dead.
But his chest continues to rise up and down. The simple movement is all Eiji needs. He goes to sleep that night, restless and terrified of many things. Mainly of what tomorrow might bring.
Tomorrow becomes a whirlwind of emotions. He oversleeps by accident, and it quickly makes him a target for ruthless teasing from Ash. Some of the gang join in, their teasing lighter yet still effective. Eiji's not sure why Ash is making a big deal out of it. Over sleeping is normal, right?
Apparently it's not anymore when you wake up at the same time nearly everyday.
Eiji puts the glass of water to his lips, focusing on the clear liquid instead of the smirk on Ash's face. He's joking, and Eiji knows it, but today it hurts. It hurts because he knows one day can lead to two, to three, and soon a week can pass and Eiji will slowly succumb to the softness of his bed and be consumed whole.
It's a sign his facade might not work soon.
The question lingers in the back of his mind when Ash goes with the gang, ruffling his hair and flashing him a smile before leaving. Eiji's throat feels dry, so he reaches for another glass.
The reality of the situation finally sticks in his mind when Ash comes home covered in blood. Eiji's sitting on the edge of his bed, waiting for Ash so he could finally get an answer. Most of the blood is gone, but there's specks of dried up blood that litter the hem of his hoodie, implications that the rest were removed. The news has articles detailing the bodies found in alleyways, all shot in the head despite having thrown away their guns. The question that normally bothers Eiji is replaced with an easier one to answer.
"Why?"
"Do you want them to find us?" Ash snaps back with a question of his own. "I'm working my ass off to make sure you're safe."
The follow-up question Eiji has is merely a shorter version of what he's been wanting to ask.
"Why?"
Ash scoffs. "Why? The fuck do you mean why ?"
"Am I so important that you'll continue risking your life like this?" Eiji interrupts, ready to lay out his emotions for the world to see. "I know that this —" he gestures to Ash and the anger in his eyes, "isn't you, so why?"
"It's not that simple—"
"So explain it to me!"
"I can't!"
"Why not?"
"What is with you and why?" Ash asks, letting out a frustrated sigh as he takes off his hoodie and throws it on the floor. He's not ignoring Eiji, but it feels like he's trying to drop the subject by doing everything except talking.
"Forgive me for wanting to understand why I'm still alive!" Eiji blurts out before putting his hands together like he's about to say a prayer and says " Yurushite kudasai !" Right after saying it, Eiji puts his hands over his mouth, eyes wide as he realizes what he said. Ash freezes as well, anger and scowl gone and replaced with concern.
"Eiji…" his voice becomes impossibly soft, and Eiji can't handle it right now.
"I… I just need to know! It's been eating away at me for days , and I don't understand! Why me?" This isn't the plan. He had a plan. He spoke to himself in the mirror for an hour to make sure he wouldn't stutter, that he would say everything perfectly so he could get a perfect answer back. Now…
He curls up on himself, bringing his knees close to his chest and puts his head down. Everything's falling apart. The time he spent hyping himself up to get an answer is being wasted by his own stupidity. But he's not crying yet, so at least he has that going for him.
The floor creaks and there's a dip in the bed as he feels Ash sit down beside him. He's shivering, his entire body doing everything it can to not break down. Ash doesn't touch him or even speak, so Eiji asks again.
"Why did you save me?" He wasn't referring to any specific event, but he realizes too late that the wording makes it seem like he's referring to…
"Shorter died the moment they injected that shit into him," Ash answers, his voice low and calm aside from the slight tremble when he said Shorter's name. "and I know the idiot would want me to save you no matter what."
Eiji looks up at Ash right as a single tear escapes and rolls down his face. Ash carefully raises his hand and wipes the tear away with his thumb, and the defenses Eiji made beforehand crumble. He starts crying in earnest at the touch, and Ash quickly yanks his hand away like he's been burned. Just as quickly though, he wraps his arms around Eiji. He's not shaking as badly, but mentioning Shorter after not thinking about him for so long lowered his own defenses.
"I… I mean that's nice but— I wasn't thinking of— I— " the words can barely escape Eiji's mouth as Ash holds him, and he clings to Ash's shirt as if it's a lifeline.
"It's ok, it's ok." Ash repeats like a mantra, trying to comfort Eiji the same way he's done for him. A hand hesitantly goes through Eiji's hair and the simple gesture is enough to make him feel safe.
When he feels calmer, Eiji tries again. "When we first met, you said I'd regret you saving my life. Do you regret it?"
"No." Ash answers immediately.
"You could've let them shoot me. You didn't know me."
"Skip cared about you."
"That's all?" Eiji laughs weakly. He can feel Ash shake his head.
"I didn't realize it then, but I think I cared from the moment you asked me if you could hold my gun. I… this whole wanting thing is incredibly new to me but I do care about you. I have some lousy ways of showing it, but believe me when I say I don't regret anything."
They sit in silence as Eiji processes everything Ash said. He can tell the lack of response is getting to him, so he lets go and gently holds Ash's hands. The words still don't make sense in his mind, but it's more than what Eiji ever expected and part of him prays this isn't some cruel nightmare.
"Can… can I kiss you?" Eiji whispers, their faces so close all he needs is to move an inch.
Ash answers by moving closer.
Eiji closes his eyes as they press their lips together. It's different from the kiss they shared at the prison. No hidden motives, no tongue, just pure bliss.
Eiji pulls away first, a smile forming as he opens his eyes. Ash does the same and tucks a strand of hair away from Eiji's face with one hand as he holds Eiji's hand tighter.
"Do you regret coming here?" Ash asks, and for once the answer is simple.
"No."
"Good," Ash smiles, "because you mean everything to me. And uh…"
He trails off and his eyes focus behind Eiji, at his own bed. "I had plane tickets to send you and Ibe back to Japan in a few weeks." he admits. "But I don't want you to go."
"I don't want to go either. So, I guess I'll stay here with you instead." Eiji decides, and he swears there are sparkles in Ash's eyes.
"You want to stay?"
" Baka , I just said I didn't want to leave!" Eiji laughs, and soon enough Ash is laughing too.
"Stay by my side forever," Ash whispers, "and when you feel like this again I'll be here to tell you how much you mean to me."
Eiji's fond of that idea. He leans back into Ash, back into his warm embrace. Ash leans back so that they're lying on the bed, Eiji resting peacefully on his chest.
"You do that, and I'll always be here to remind you that you are nothing like what they say. You're wonderful, and you fit right in my arms." Eiji promises, wrapping his arms around Ash to prove it.
"Sap."
"You started it!"
They fall asleep with their arms and legs entangled, a peaceful look on both their faces as they dream of a new and brighter future.