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He hadn’t seen her. Throughout the fight, he hadn’t seen her. There were so many people, too many people to count, so it made sense if she was lost in the crowd. Not like he had time to search for her when battling Thanos’ army (for the second time).
The first was too late. During the first he was dusted. During the first he hadn’t remembered her. Or maybe he did, he just didn’t say anything. His brain was a bit foggy on when he had realized that it was her. That Natasha was Natalia. Did she remember him?
His brain was a mess. Call it multitasking, but James Buchanan Barnes was shooting his rifle, correction her rifle, at a swarm of alien-like beings heading towards him; all the while scanning the crowd for a blip of auburn red hair, or maybe lightning white (he didn’t know if she changed it back).
It seemed like there was no end. The swarm kept coming and coming. Bucky didn’t even know where the gauntlet was, he didn’t even know where Thanos was, or Steve or Sam or anybody he knew really. He hated this feeling. For all he knew, Steve could be getting ripped apart by a heard of alien-like monsters, and Bucky wouldn’t have a clue! The same could be happening to Natasha, and he couldn’t let this happen.
But then, there was a bright white light. A blinding light. A far too familiar light. Was it going to happen again? Did Thanos do it again? Was he going to turn back into dust, not even being able to see her face before he fades away? Or would he be one of the ones to stay? Would he watch Steve die? Nat too? Would those that remained from before blow away? And it would be up to him to get them back? He didn’t even know how he came back in the first place!
But no. He didn’t turn to dust, the otherworldly creatures did. The whole swarm decimated into ash, blowing off in the new gust of wind. What had happened?
A crowd had started to gather, just a ways off, and Bucky walked over. There, everyone gathered looked defeated, even as they had won. Blood and dirt was caked onto people’s faces and bodies. Some where lying down and trying to catch their breath, while others tended to their wounds.
Bucky was lucky he didn’t carry any injuries that were life threatening, but it was obvious that someone had. The solemn feeling in the air, mixed with a hint of despair and heartache. Bucky knew it all too well. One look at Steve’s face, and then at where Tony sat, he knew. Iron Man had saved them all, but it had costed him his life.
He didn’t know Tony well. Heck, the last time he met the guy, he was trying to kill him after finding out the truth on his past. The memories that left a taste of metallic blood in his mouth and pain to his muscles. The memories that used to destroy him and make him loose control. Now, they were the memories that haunted him every day. Reminding him of all of his wrongs and murderous acts he had committed. Tony didn’t understand, Steve didn’t even fully understand. Only one person would.
But at that moment, Bucky’s mind wasn’t on Natasha. That would just be selfish and outright disrespectful. He couldn’t say that his heart didn’t break when watching that boy cling onto the metal suit. He couldn’t say he didn’t stray a tear when watching the blonde woman kiss his lips and close his eyes. Bucky wasn’t heartless. He felt. Not many people would think it, sometimes he didn’t either, but he was human. And any loss hurt. There were far too many losses. Far too many. Even in this battle alone, others had died. He didn’t want to think about it much longer.
Everyone started moving around, slowly. Shuffling as if their bodies weren’t attached to their heads, without purpose or direction. People brought Tony’s body away, and already government officials were excavating the area. Soon enough, Steve had found him and brought him out of his daze.
“Buck,” was all he said before the captain pulled the solider in for a hug.
“Steve,” Bucky smiled into his embrace. He was alive, Steve was alive, they were alive, and together again. The brunette beamed, but only for a moment before he looked around and broke the hug. “Is that everyone?”
“Here?” Steve asked, now also looking around. “Everyone has dispersed a bit, probably catching up.”
Bucky still looked around expectantly, searching for her voice through all the chit-chat. He looked for any sign of her, but there was nothing. A sickening feeling began to enter his stomach. ‘No… don’t you dare let yourself think it….’ he told himself. But Bucky couldn’t help it.
“Bucky?” Steve asked now confused. “Are you looking for someone? Everyone’s back now, we won.”
“Is she here Steve?”
Steve didn’t respond, and another flash of confusion crossed his face.
“Steve, is she here? Where is she?” Bucky asked again, now more desperate. His voice was rising, and soon enough other people turned their heads in their direction.
“Are you talking about…?” Steve let his voice fade, now an apologetic look replaced his confused one.
“Natasha, where is she?” he finally asked. His voice cracked at the end of it, and already Bucky felt himself breaking down. She would make a silly joke about this, how she’s made him soft. He just knew it. But he needed to know where she was… if she was alive. She had to be alive. She had to be.
But the look of Steve’s face told him otherwise. The captain looked down, then off to the side. A look of remorse and guilt and sadness and many, many other emotions were exhibited for all to see.
“She’s gone, Buck,” was what the blonde said. His voice, too, constricted and his face looked pained.
“No, you’re lying,” Bucky shook his head. “She can’t be.”
By then, Sam had walked over. He looked to Steve, then Bucky, and back to Steve again. Eventually, Steve gave his answer, “She’s dead. She died.”
Bucky sucked in a breath. But even so, he felt he could barely breathe. His lip trembled, his vision became clouded with tears, and he just felt numb. He didn’t hear Sam ask “who?” (even though he, too, knew who Steve was talking about). He didn’t hear Steve respond, telling him he was sorry. He didn’t feel Wanda’s power erupt suddenly from the news (Natasha was like a sister to her). He didn’t feel Sam pat him on the back, then look down at his hands and close his eyes in such a mourning way. He didn’t see Clint break down and apologize over and over and over again. He didn’t feel Steve pull him into another embrace. He didn’t feel his strong arms circling him, and he didn’t remember burying his face into the captain’s chest, and just letting his tears flow.
But eventually, he came back to his senses. He felt the sobs take over, he felt himself becoming less numb. Instead he felt the hurt. He remembered the missed chances. He felt as if a part of him was missing, a part he didn’t even knew existed until recently. But now it was gone, lost forever; and he didn’t know how he would live without it. Through that pain and agony he felt in his soul. Through the mental “what ifs” his mind was replaying in his brain. Through the utter feeling of despair that overcame him; Bucky heard Steve say those two words: “I know.”
He shook his head. No. Nobody knew. Did she even know? Who knew?
But Steve repeated it and put a steady hand on his back. It was almost calming if Bucky hadn’t felt the slight tremble.
“I know.”
“I loved her. I remembered her.”
“I know. She knows. She did it for you.”