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He knew he fucked up when he woke to a cold bed. He knew he fucked up when he didn’t see you stood in the kitchen making coffee, leaning over the sink in fatigue. He knew he fucked up when he finally saw the note on the shelf by the door, the paper torn from one of your many notebooks, your words sprawling across the page, your goodbyes staring him in the face clear as day. He knew he fucked up and he realised that you meant it this time.
It was just a stupid argument, it started as such a dumb little thing and this is what it had become. He made a mistake.
He would never put you first, he was always just too busy, and most of his free moments were spent with his friends, you only really saw him when he came home at the end of the day and by that point he was already collapsing beneath the sheets of the double bed, begging you to join him because he needed your warmth to sleep. He would wake up before you everyday and leave with no goodbye, not even a small kiss to say it with his actions, nothing. You would wake every morning to a cold and empty left side of the bed and spend the day alone as well.
He knew he should’ve treated you better, he saw it in your face every night, the way you would sigh and frown before climbing into bed with him. The way the light left your eyes when he didn’t greet you as he got home, the way your smile would drop as he walked straight by you towards the calling void of sleep. You had just wanted to spend the night with him, you wanted his face to be the first one that you saw when you welcomed in the new year but that’s just not how life works, you knew that with Suna things weren’t cut and dry, things weren’t easy, and you knew that he would always prioritise practice over a stupid night in with you. You knew this. So why did it hurt so damn much?
He was out with friends, at a bar that he could no longer remember the name of, he had been drinking all night, trying to get his mind off the nagging guilt that plagued his brain. He told you he was at practice, he knew he should’ve told you where he was, but he really didn’t want you to go with him. He wanted a night alone. That night just happened to be new years eve. He remembered how you had called him that night, he left the bar swiftly, stepping outside to shut out the blaring music and loud voices so as to not make you suspicious of him, and he fooled you perfectly.
“Hey baby” he answered the phone coolly, his hand twitching in his pocket when he heard your voice.
“Hey there handsome” you said down the phone, his shitty speaker making your voice crackle lightly in his ear. “I was just wondering what time you’d be home tonight, I mean it’s already gone eight (8)”
“Yeah about that, I don’t think I’ll be coming back tonight, I’ll probably just crash at Komori’s place, it’s closer, I’m tired” He really didn’t know why he was lying, slowly digging himself a deeper and deeper hole to drag himself out of in the morning in his hungover stupor.
“Oh…” you sounded so disappointed, it made his chest tighten. “Okay then, I’ll, um, I’ll see you tomorrow then I guess, happy new year, I love you.
“Yeah, happy new year babe” and with that the line went dead.
He returned to the bar, continuing to drink his weight in whatever he could find. Little did he know, you were doing the exact same thing. Alone, in your cold and empty apartment. You clung to the pillows on the sofa, staining them with tears as you sobbed as hard as your lungs would allow, feeling your chest tighten and contract painfully with each breath that passed your lips. He didn’t say it back. Your brain wouldn’t let you forget that, not even as the clock finally struck twelve (12). He didn’t say he loved you back, and as you really thought about it, he hadn’t said it in months. He hadn’t really showed any affection towards you in months, unless you were underneath him or if he was asleep in the dead of night and he clung onto you, never failing to make you smile as he nuzzled his head into your neck while he slept, his lips brushing the skin there. You felt a piece of you die along with this realisation. He didn’t love you anymore, maybe he had fallen out of love months ago, maybe this was new. Was it something you had done? Was this all your own fault? Had you been too clingy? Had you asked too much of him? But honestly you were drawing blanks. To your knowledge you hadn’t acted any different these past few months, nothing had changed so maybe he had just got bored of you.
He hadn’t meant to post that picture. That stupid picture that had ruined everything. He had his arm around her shoulders and, as the clock struck its final hour, he had kissed her and captured it forever in that photo, his lips fitting to that girls with no problems, his tongue sinking into her mouth with no protest. He knew it wasn’t right but the alcohol seeping into his inhibitions told him it would be fun so he did it. He chased that high with no regard for the person he was hurting. The picture was proudly posted, a small and shitty happy new year message typed beneath it and then it was seen.
You saw almost as soon as it was posted and your heart lurched, the lump in your throat grew and you felt the ability to breathe leave you as you fell further back into the couch, clutching at your chest and gasping for air. The panic swept over you like a raincloud, drenching you in a cold sweat. You practically ran to your room, gathering as many things as you could into a small overnight bag and preparing to leave in a hurry.
Suna’s phone rang from his pocket, alarming him and making him pull away from the girl on his arm. His blood ran cold when he saw your caller ID flash up on the screen. Walking outside of the bar once more he picked up the phone.
“Hey bub” he answered, he could hear his words slurring as he spoke, and in that moment he hated himself more than he ever had before.
“What that fuck Suna.” hearing you say his name like that killed him, hearing the venom dripping from his lovers lips. “You were at practice? Really? God I’m such a fucking idiot.”
He remained silent.
“You’re not going to say anything?… of course you’re not. You’re a fucking coward Suna Rintaro. A scumbag and a coward.” You sounded physically in pain. You’re throat rubbed raw from the sobbed that had racked your frame just minutes earlier. “You won’t have to deal with me soon. I’ll be out of your hair.” You sounded so damn sad.
“Wait, what? No (y/n) you can’t leave baby. Not right now, please” He knew that those words were probably the most pathetic things he could say but he needed you.
The line went dead for the second time that night and he began running.
He ran his way back to your apartment, back to you, hoping to catch you before you left for good.
His hand slammed onto the door handle, finding it still open, meaning you had yet to leave. He felt a sigh of relief leave his body involuntarily at the thought of you still being contained in that little 1 bed apartment that you had come to call home over the past year together.
“(y/n)!” he called out, hoping against all hope to hear you call back but nothing came.
He raced into your room, not bothering to remove his shoes before running through the halls to find you. He found you, red eyed, puffy faced, tears running down your face as you pushed piles of clothes into a small overnight bag, swiping your hand across your face to get rid of the tears that clouded your vision.
“Baby?” his voice was quiet as he approached you, he reached out for your shoulder, trying to place his hand on it, he watched as you flinched away.
“Don’t you dare fucking touch me” your words were violent but your voice held no malice, you sounded so drained, so tired.
“Baby I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, please don’t go. Don’t leave me… please” his voice was so small, so hurt. You almost let it get to you. Almost.
“Why did you do it?” You couldn’t look him in the eye. Not right now.
“I don’t know, I was drunk and being an idiot. God I’m such an idiot (y/n).”
“You got that right.”
You zipped up the bag in your hand and finally looked at him. The look in your eyes broke him.
He reached for you again, his hand meeting yours for a fleeting second before you pulled back.
“I said don’t fucking touch me. I can’t even stand to look at you right now, you disgust me.” your voice cracked slightly as the words left your lips.
“I don’t even know who you are anymore. Do you even love me anymore Suna?”
“Of course I do”
“Then say it.”
“What?”
“Say you love me Rintaro, if you love me then tell me you do.” You were almost begging at this point.
Silence fell between the two of you.
“That’s what I thought.” You muttered, pushing past him. “You haven’t said it in months. You haven’t even shown me affection in months. You’ve made my life miserable recently, you are not the person that I fell in love with and it’s honestly painful watching us grow apart everyday. And now you feel the need to lie to me about where you are and who you’re with, you feel the need to kiss random girls in dirty bars, you say you’re sorry and you claim to love me but that’s not what I’ve seen. I don’t want to be around you anymore.”
“Please let me fix it (y/n), I’ll change I promise”
“That’s just the thing though. I know you won’t, you’ll say that you will, but you’re too fucking lazy to change, you’ll start, you’ll try for a bit, then you’ll drop it and pretty soon you’ll get bored of me, maybe you already have, and you’ll drop me. Just like you did tonight.” Your voice shook like the leaves of trees on a blustery day.
“You know what? Maybe if you weren’t so fucking needy and clingy all the fucking time I wouldn’t seek other people. Maybe I would want to talk to you, maybe I would still love you if you stopped talking all the time.” The words came out before he could stop them
“You know what I think Suna? I think you’re a coward, you’re too insecure to be alone, you’re scared of being left aren’t you? And you know what else? I wish I’d never met you, I wish I’d never fallen in love with you.”
“No, no no no, baby you don’t mean that. I know you don’t mean that”
But you ignored his words, finding yourself at the door all too quickly, slamming it shut behind you, leaving Suna and the life that you had together in the past.
You must have returned at some point while he was asleep as when he awoke, the apartment had no traces of you being there, save for the note that you left on that shelf.
Suna.
I don’t want you to contact me, please don’t. This will be easier on both of us if we stay apart for a while. I don’t need to come back for anything, so I’m out of your hair now. You’ll never need to think of me again. Thank you for the best two (2) years of my life, but it’s a good thing it’s over now, it wasn’t healthy and neither of us were happy. So thank you again.
Goodbye
(y/n)