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"We've reached the end game."
If Levi hadn’t been looking at her as she said it, if he hadn’t seen the slight movement of her lips and the slight tremble, maybe he would have never heard it. Maybe that half hearted comment would have been drowned out by the sounds of her tearing bandages or the screaming pain that consumed his battered body.
That comment though was enough to send a chill through Levi and down to the bones. The biting cold felt too unfamiliar. It took him a few seconds longer to comprehend what exactly that feeling was.
Frustration. Possibly fear.
He had always been strong. For as long as he could remember, he was always able to fight whatever threats came his way. At that moment when the threats were much larger than he could have ever imagined, when he wished he were at his strongest, he was at his most vulnerable, a cruel twist of fate.
"It's too late to run away to the forest now." He gave Hange a wry smile keeping his tone and his words light, to at least balance out the sullen demeanor of his commander.
His commander. That’s what she had sounded like. With his words, he hoped she would soften her gaze and her tone. It was just the both of them there after all. He knew her inside and out, even before Erwin ever considered her as the next in line to lead the honorable survey corps.
You don't have to pretend with me. He thought to himself, hoping his intent gaze was enough for her to receive the message.
"Yeah, maybe it is..." Hange said a little more lightly as she unwrapped his bandages, a little more roughly than Levi would have liked. "I guess we’re going to have to wait a little longer huh? Before we open that tea shop..."
“Or the herb garden by a cabin.” Levi added. The pain of being so roughly handled took a backseat as Levi felt his throat catch at those words and for a few seconds he was left unable to breathe. The pain in his chest overshadowed whatever protests his body had towards Hange's touch.
From where he lay, he couldn't see Hange's hands but he could see her shoulders shake, and he could see the crown of her head as she avoided his gaze. Levi was sure, at that point her walls had completely broken down.
She was shaking, shaking so hard. Possibly on instinct, he reached out his hand a little farther to grab hers, wherever it was. He gripped it hard as soon as he found it. His own hand burned possibly from having had two of his fingers blown off only a few days ago. There were more important things to do than give his hand the respite it so tenaciously demanded of him.
He had a duty to his commander. No, to his comrade, to his best friend. To his other half.
To his other half.
“I knew you wouldn’t run away,” Levi said.
Hange looked up at him as soon as he had said those words. She furrowed her brow, wrinkled her nose and bit her lip, the result of it all being the faux serious face Levi was all too familiar with.
Hange had always been emotional but since becoming commander, she had started crying less and less. Levi had realized over time that it had never been her own constitution which had made that so. Hange had other ways of holding it in. If she furrowed her brows and crumpled her expression when needed, sometimes the tears never did come. And to the younger members of the survey corps, that unique facial expression had always looked like she was in deep thought on a new diplomatic strategy or battle plan.
Levi knew better though. He had seen that coping mechanism develop over nights alone with her.
“I couldn’t find a way to stop Eren…I can't help but think… Maybe...” She started.
Maybe if Erwin were here? She didn’t need to say it. It was in the way she looked to the side, unable to meet Levi’s gaze as if she knew what she was doing was wrong. She had promised him long before she wouldn’t compare herself to him nor would she compare their current circumstances to that utopian one she had imagined building if Erwin were still there.
Levi quickly hushed her. It was a quiet movement but it was enough to leave his chest burning. He held in a cough, not wanting to aggravate her any further.
“No regrets...” Levi said, as soon as the pain in his chest dissipated enough to allow himself a few words. His throat itched at having to hold in that cough of a while ago. “I told you before.”
“I’m not regretting anything Levi. I promised you I wouldn’t so I won’t.” Hange buried her face in her hands. “But I need to atone.”
Atone. He never believed it to be the right word. Hange had done her best. She sacrificed sleep, meals, rest, mental health days and consequently her own sanity just so things could work out.
In the end, the world had turned out to be much larger and more complex than they could have ever imagined. Hange --- hell, both of them--- the one dubbed humanity’s strongest and possibly the one dubbed humanity’s most intelligent, were left with circumstances that spelled the difference between life and death for millions, circumstances too out of their control.
And you think it’s your fault? He had seen that same flash of guilt show up during the most inopportune times, easily mistaken for a bout of exhaustion on her end and when it was just the two of them, he saw it in the way she would dip her head back up and stare at the empty ceiling, mentioning what Erwin or Moblit would have possibly said or done as nothing more than a passing thought.
But Levi couldn’t tell her off. He couldn’t tell her he hated the word so much that every time she said it, he was forced to bite his lip to keep from saying something he might just regret. Deep within him too, he felt the obligation to atone. He and Hange were the ones after all who had protected and trained Eren.
In the end it had been Eren’s choice to do what he did. Regardless, the nagging thought remained in both of their minds, was there anything they could have done for things to end up different?
No regrets. They had both agreed so many years ago.
“Atone…” The word tasted bitter to Levi but he had to recognize that both of them felt the need too strongly. “Atone after the war… You’ll have time then.” Levi’s hands continued to burn as he lightly pulled at Hange’s hand, an effort to see the face behind it. “We promised right? No goodbyes.”
Ever since I joined the survey corps I've had to say nothing but goodbyes.
Levi should have sensed it when Hange had given that speech to Mikasa. Those words dug much deeper than a sermon from a veteran intended to keep Mikasa from killing him or Floch.
Somehow, he only noticed it almost a year later, the first night Hange broke down in front of him after a long meeting with diplomats discussing plans for building ports and adopting technology. During the meeting she was a commander. When everyone had left to retire to their rooms for the night, Hänge had sunk into her chair, so low Levi had feared she would sink so low into the chair she might just disappear.
I can't do this. Moblit would have known how to handle the paperwork. Erwin would have known how to get their confidence. I don't have that charisma.
Did anyone notice I was shaking? Did anyone notice I was just making things up as we went along?
Hange had done great. Yet somehow, her concession of something so unnoticeable scared Levi. That Hange who stood in front of the diplomats explaining her plans for Paradis looked too certain. As her friend and comrade, he started to wonder how much pressure she had put on herself, how much she had to butcher her on psyche to pull off such a facade so convincingly.
Just hold on long enough until the war is over. Until we can fix things with Marley.
No regrets. Levi had given that speech too many times. He was the master at imbibing it and more than anything, at that moment as he held her close and took the force of racking yet muffled sobs, he prayed she felt it too. He prayed that somehow she would imbibe it.
Until we make it out of this. Levi had said. No, we're making it out of this.
It had started with a vow not to regret. As Hange held on to him that night, pulling him closer to herself, as she gripped his shoulders so hard, his own back shook with her racking sobs. Out of what could have been desperation, Levi found himself making another promise with her.
Ever since I joined the survey corps I've had to say nothing but goodbyes. She had repeated to him back then. It had been a year since he had heard that phrase. But ever since they got back from Shiganshina, it had been meeting after meeting, mission after mission, development after development.
She had to break eventually. Of course, it would have been in front of him, the only person who probably felt the gravity of that loss so profoundly, every single loss, from their own squads to their commander. They were the only two people in the squad who were left with little to no time to pick up the pieces, having been launched quickly into seats of both responsibility and power as Paradis rapidly changed.
Levi had his own skeletons and his own emotional baggage to carry. As he watched her breakdown unfold in front of him, his heart could only clench up. He had run out of tears too long ago. His body though, that was starting to scramble for some outlet of emotion, handled it differently.
He clung on to Hange as she cried, letting the shaking motion of her body overshadow his own. No more goodbyes. I’ll be here for a long time. Levi had said.
The next morning, he had regretted those words. No one knows what will happen next. You can trust people all you want but nobody can really predict what will happen next. How many times had that lesson bit him the ass? How many times had he trusted someone only for them to be taken away from him?
It had ended a mutual promise between the two. A promise that had seemed reassuring enough for Hange to have settled in his arms that night. To placate that conflict inside him surrounding the impulsiveness of that decision, Levi only had to remember the way her body had gradually relented to the calmer and slower rhythm of his own breathing.
Levi was never the type to go back on a promise, especially on a promise made to one of the most important people to him, maybe even the most important person to him then, having lost everyone else. He was determined not to break it.
Despite all they had seen, despite their long history as soldiers, Levi and Hange had been too naive. As the situation became more and more dire, Levi would sometimes allow a few seconds a day to scold himself for even entertaining that naivete, particularly in those moments where it was just the both of them stuck in the office, late at night trying to avoid any words that could even allude to goodbyes or regrets
They made that promise in a different world. At that time when they had talked about it, they saw glimmers of hope in the rapidly progressing technology, in their world which was slowly getting larger with every late night meeting, every successful experiment.
At present, Levi was experiencing the world in a body who could barely even move. He was seeing through one eye, the other lost in the explosion. He was on a bed, prone and vulnerable and just outside the ship, he could hear the distant sounds of the rumbling destroy everything in its path and with it, any ambitions for a peaceful compromise.
Hange was the one who had spearheaded the plans for diplomacy, who had clung on most desperately to the hope that the war could all end in peace. She was still healthy and functioning. She was still fit to fight. Yet ironically, her movements had devolved into something mechanical as she cut bandage after bandage and wrapped it around his head. The view of herself she had allowed Levi to see was limited. Even during those few moments where he did get a good look at her, Levi had to risk a bout of dizziness or a headache to bend his head back to see her face. Even under the dim light, he could see they were red rimmed. Red rimmed but lifeless.
We can still make it out of this. No goodbyes. Those were the only words his mind could come up with then that could have maybe brought life back into those hazel eyes. Last time, it had worked. But back then, there weren’t colossal titans trampling the world. Back then, there were still so many other possibilities to consider.
“The bleeding has slowed for most of your injuries. I took out some of the bandages and loosened some of them so it’s more comfortable for you.” Hange said as if she were rattling out of a grocery list.
No. Long ago, Hange probably would have sounded more enthusiastic rattling out a grocery list. The person in front of him didn’t seem like Hange anymore.
“There’s a plane on a nearby port we can take to Eren according to Kiyomi. Hange continued. “We’ll be fuelling the plane and…”
“We?” Levi asked. ‘We’ could have also meant Hange, Levi and everyone else. ‘We’ could have meant Hange and everyone else without him. Somehow, he could tell by the face Hange had given him and the tone of her voice, a tone of defeat and acceptance of their grim reality that she had meant the latter.
“I saw the bruises Levi, you might even be suffering from internal bleeding. Until we can get you to a doctor…. Please stay back here on the ship…” Please don’t fight.
Levi did not have the time to argue. He had spent a second too long thinking of the right words to say as he processed Hange’s incomprehensible actions.
She was ready to die. By the time he had stumbled upon an explanation for her actions, her expressions and gestures that quickly vacillated between empathy and apathy, it had already been too late.
No Goodbyes right? He had wanted to say. Those words never left his mouth though. On their way out, he had felt arms crush him so hard, only a hushed breath was able to make its way out of his mouth.
She wasn’t crushing him. In fact, she had only been holding him a little harder. The force though was more than enough to send a crushing pain coursing through his already battered bones. The pain was stinging on the surface but at the same time piercing deep within him. It coursed through him so quickly and so violently, Levi had to bite his lip to keep from letting out a sound.
For god knows, if she knew how painful it was she might just let go.
No goodbyes. We'll make it out of here. They had repeated that same promise in the forest only a few days ago over a slow conversation about how life could have been. They had repeated that same promise for years, after strategy meetings, before many missions and while they explored Marley.
What if diplomacy did work? What if the threats of rumbling where enough to make Marley reconsider the treatment of Eldians? What if this could all end without any bloodshed?
What if maybe there was still some sliver of hope to cling to? No goodbyes. Levi only repeated that same line to himself again and again. Although she had let go for a bit, giving enough space for Levi to breathe, the knot in his throat that extended all the way down to his stomach had taken over suffocating him.
No goodbyes right? He started to scream those words in his head, still unable to say them aloud. That shouldn’t have mattered though. She usually knew what he was thinking. If he thought it loudly enough, it should reach her like it always did.
He screamed in his mind, clinging to hope that the message would reach her. His body knew otherwise. All he could do was wait and listen for what Hange had to say next.
Thank you. Hange’s last words to him weren’t words of farewell. Just like they had promised each other long ago. No goodbyes.
Hange left him alone in the plain room with only one dim light on. Levi was left with nothing much to do but stare at his plain surroundings, the only stimuli worth considering being the final words she had said to him.
Thank you for always being there. Thank you for staying with me after meetings. Thank you for letting me bounce ideas with you. Thank you for the late night conversations.
Thank you. Hange was not one for phatic expressions. At least when she was with him. Had she ever said thank you? She was his own commander, there was no need to. When they were alone, there were too many other things to discuss. Padding their heart to heart conversations with pleasantries had never seemed necessary.
She had kept her promise but as Levi lay in bed and stared at the blank ceiling, recalling the exchange of only a few minutes ago, he couldn’t help but think, he would have preferred a goodbye.
Levi valued promises. He kept the promise he had made to Hange close to his heart and he felt all the more determined to make sure she kept it too.
Maybe that was what had pushed him to stand up even as his joints ached, his bones screamed and his head spun. That determination inside him only pulled him out of the bed more violently, drilling into him the possibility that maybe not doing anything could be more painful.
And it worked. When Levi was in bed, his body felt this impulse to shake his broken bones awake, to punish them for wanting to pull him back from the war. Hange couldn’t keep that promise alone, she needed his help. Omission seemed like the more evil option.
That was how Levi had found himself, walking painfully towards the voices in the other room. That was how he had found himself refusing Armin’s help, forcing his body through a crash course on relearning how to walk and sooner than later, to fight.
Fuck it. Even his body couldn’t relearn to walk and fight so quickly, he’d force it too. He had more than enough memories and experience fighting, it would be a matter of discipline more than anything else.
That was what had him testing his ODM gear with the fingers he had left. Two fingers is all I need.
Hange had kept quiet since then, not bringing up the conversation of a while ago. He could see in the glances that she snuck him while she faced the alliance as a commander that she wished he were elsewhere.
That’s a first. Levi had to note. Before, she would seek comfort in the many moments they did exchange glances. Then, she looked uncomfortable.
It could have been his injuries. It could have also been those last words she said.
She kept her promise. Yet she was starting to avoid his gaze as she reminisced of old friends, in ways that only reminded Levi of another loss they had felt long ago.
With the rumbling nearing, with the appearance of Floch and with the breaking of the fuel tank, they could not allow themselves a few more minutes to ponder that promise in silence.
Levi wasn’t there when Hange had made that decision. By the time, he was near enough to make eye contact, to get a near enough look of her expression a mixture of fear, guilt and acceptance. It was too late.
Just let me go. Will you?
We promised. No goodbyes. No regrets. Levi looked towards the ground as he thought about it. He had tried to send her that silent reminder too many times that day already. Back then, he had hoped it would reach her.
As he heard the rumbling only get nearer, he started to realize there were things much larger and more permanent than superficial and temporal promises.
A part of him could only interpret the promise they made as having been broken. For a while he wanted to say goodbye out of spite.
Levi was never the type of person to break a promise though.
No regrets. No goodbyes. “Dedicate your heart.”
I don’t regret anything but I feel like I still need to atone for it. Hange had said it so many times before during the many times they had briefly mentioned it and the few times they had analyzed it. Hange had always planned on atoning somehow, for all that chaos she had believed herself to have been to unfit to stop.
As if it wasn’t anybody else’s mistakes and selfishness that had brought upon that chain of events.
Levi allowed himself to gradually shift his thoughts elsewhere as he boarded the plane. HIs broken bones were still screaming for attention. His bruises were still sending jolts up his spine with every movement. His fingers were throbbing at the weight of the ODM gear.
Any pain, any sensation and any experience could have been more palatable, could have been more bearable than what he had felt as he pressed his hand into her heart. He couldn’t think about her anymore or he risked collapsing right there.
There was one final passing thought Levi allowed himself though as he had settled onto his seat in the plane. It was the last thought about Hange he would allow himself before he turned off all his emotions, shifting his thoughts to the larger problem at hand.
You can’t ever atone without feeling regret. Levi couldn’t help but think, despite the bond they shared that had made feelings between them flow so smoothly in ways words never did, there may have been some fatal misunderstanding between them about what those two promises meant.