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i saw the signs from the beginning.
from the very first time we met.
he was zoning out from time to time, so i asked him if he was okay.
"..huh? yeah, of course! i'm just tired" he shrugged it off, going back to his bubbly self. it seemed like he forced it though, and i thought about it quite a lot, but then i just ignored it; 'he said, he's okay, i'll just have to trust him'
as time went by, we became closer friends, and i could now recognise a fake smile of his.
he showed it a lot, telling others not to worry about him. and even though i did, i never asked him about it; 'maybe he wants to solve his problems by himself'
we had a sleepover at my house, so we were laying in bed, having a late night conversation, when we, however, came up with the topic mental health and suicide.
"have you ever considered hurting or killing yourself in any situation of your life?" he asked me, his voice deep and soothing, but kind of raspy too.
"hm.. not at all, i think.."
"you're lucky. your life is happy. you have a family and friends who love you. you are super talented and one of the best students in school. you have everything i ever wanted.." he poured out his heart, and his voice became more and more shaky, as he did.
"have you ever considered suicide?" i asked, almost guessing the answer.
"yes, and i still do it. i.. i wish i was dead. then i wouldn't burden anyone and nothing could burden me.." he sighed after ending his sentence.
"but- but- you don't burden me! and i bet you don't burden anyone else either!" i was scared of the thought of losing him; i might or might not have had a crush on him for some months.
he chuckled at my words. "thank you for trying, junnie, i love you for that," my heart skipped a beat and the butterflies in my stomach went wild, "but eventually you'll forget me like everyone else"
i sat up in the bed and climbed right upon my precious donghyuckie, trying to stop him from thinking that way.
"i could never forget you. never. you hear me? NEVER!" i almost screamed in his face, as i shook his shoulders.
the light in the room was almost non-existent, but right in this moment the moon shone directly on us, so i could see sparkling tears leaving his eyes.
"fuck, i love you so much, i can't help it" he whispered, eyes closed.
i couldn't think of the right words to say in this situation, so i just leaned down to connect his lips with mine. i didn't really know what to do, but then i moved my lips a bit, and he finally kissed back. he seemed to have more experience than me, even though he was younger.
"i love you too, hyuckie" i whispered as we parted. "please don't ever think you're alone, i'll always stay by your side"
later i found out, that he was planning on killing himself the next night. looks like i didn't sleep through the last alarm.