Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Lena knew what she and Kara had was more than a friendship, she wasn’t blind.

They may have never kissed, or confessed their love, but Lena knew, deep down, that they had something special.

Did have something special.

Until Lena let Kara’s deceit and lies overwhelm her, until she let the hate and sadness consume her conscience.

Until she forced Kara away.

Which is why she found herself, in her car outside Kara’s apartment building, writing a letter.

A letter to Kara. A letter to tell her everything, how she felt, why she was so angry.

She was never going to give it to her, or so she told herself, but she knew that letting out her feelings onto paper would help in some sad sort of way.

Not help her move on from Kara, because she knew that wouldn’t happen.

But to help lessen the pain somehow.

——

Kara,

I don’t have a driver anymore. It’s weird. I finally got my drivers license! You know, like we always talked about. I wish I could see your face as I tell you, see your eyes light up with excitement like they always do when I tell you something I’m happy about.

You wanna know the first thing I did? It sounds stupid. I drove to your house, through the suburbs, to show you that I finally did it. But it doesn’t matter anymore, because we aren’t friends, and you weren’t there.

You’re probably with all your new friends. They always made me insecure, did you know that? Your relationship with them is so different to how ours was. They’re so different to me, they’re everything I’m not, and they made me doubt myself. I still drove past your house, hoping to catch a glimpse of you, or anyone, because how could anyone care for me as much as you seemed to.

We were never perfect, I knew that. My trauma continues to be a problem for everyone I’m around. It’s overwhelming, I should’ve known that you wouldn’t trust someone with these kind of problems.

And I’ve read your articles, how can you be so normal now I’m gone? I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, work seems pitiful. Nothing is the same without you. Clearly it wasn’t a mutual feeling.

I guess you didn’t mean what you said to me after Jack died. Do you even remember? You said ‘I will always be your friend, and I will always protect you,’ but where are you now, Kara, where are you now that I need you, that I can’t bear to be apart from you? You told me you will always be here, and yet I still find myself, driving alone past your street.

Sam is worried for me. She says I talk about you too much, that I need to resolve whatever is going on in my head. She wouldn’t understand what it was like between us. No one would understand what it was like to know you like I did.

And the crazy thing is, it took me so long to realise why it hurt so much, it took me so long to realise why I pictured myself driving home to you. To us.

We never felt like Jack and I, nor the way I felt with Andrea, or anyone. I think even you can understand that. And now that I’m gone, I understand why it felt different, why your lies hurt me, and why I find myself coming back to you even now.

I still see your face in the white cars, and I can’t go to all of the places we went to together. I still hear your voice chastising me for working to hard or too late, I still see you bringing me lunch. I still feel the warmth of your hugs, the sound of your laughter, and I still feel the love that you instilled in me the second you walked into my office the first time we properly met.

It sounds so fucking stupid and sentimental, how upset I am over this. It’s so stupid, how I still love you, Kara.

I know we will never be perfect again, never be the way we were. And I know that we are both wrong, you for lying to me for all these god forsaken years, and me for the way I stupidly lashed out, blinded by my anger and pain.

And now I can’t imagine how seeing you will feel, I can’t imagine you ever looking at me the same way again. 

But I need you to know this.

Kara, I’m sorry.

We both said ‘forever,’ and now we’re both alone, on your street.

Lena.

——-

By the time she had finished, tears were streaming down her face and onto the paper.

She folded it to protect it from the tears, and in a split second decision, got out of her car.

She ran across the road without looking, the distant honking of horns and shouting from angry drivers only a distant muffled noise.

Her heart beat into her ears, filling her senses.

Her mind screamed no, and yet she still found herself in the lobby, in the elevator, and then, outside Kara’s door.

She took a deep breath. And she posted it through the letterbox.

“NO!” She shouted.

“No no no no no no no no.”

Her fingers scratched at the letterbox, trying aimlessly to get the letter back.

“You stupid idiot Lena what did you do that for,” she muttered under her breath to herself, kicking the door for good measure.

What she didn’t expect was the door to be flung open.

“What in the world are you screa-“ Kara started, before locking eyes with the person stood at her door.

“Lena,” Kara said, her hands dropping to her sides.

Lena followed the movement, noting that Kara had the paper in her left hand.

“I made a mistake,” she said, and turned to leave.

“Please Lena let’s talk, I’ll do anything.”

She looked tired.

No, tired would be an understatement.

She looked like she hadn’t slept in weeks.

Her complexion was pale, her face was hollow and gaunt, the bags under her eyes were dark and obvious, and her pupils were dull and sad.

Lena turned back around.

“Read the letter. Alone, please. I’ll wait for you. Just-“ she took a deep breath “please don’t hate me.”

Her hands were shaking and her eyes watered.

She was making herself vulnerable again, something she swore herself against the day Lex told her that Kara was Supergirl.

And she wasn’t even mad about it.

“Oh Lena,” Kara let her posture fall, and she grabbed Lena’s hand with her free one, “I could never hate you.”

Lena just nodded, and pulled away.

“I’ll just wait out here.”

Kara smiled sadly, and closed the door as carefully as possible.

With a silent sob that Kara could most likely hear, Lena let herself slide down the wall of the hallway, and buried her face in her hands.

This time, though, they were tears of hopefulness.

Kara didn’t hate her.

Maybe things would be ok after all

Chapter Text

When the door opened again, Kara’s face was red and her eyes were swollen with tears.

“Come in, please,” she said, holding the door open.

Lena stood up slowly and stepped inside of the apartment she had spent weeks gazing at from the street below.

Nothing had really changed, except the tons of empty takeout cartons, the blankets, and the discarded , broken items that lay strewn across the floor.

“I’m sorry about the mess. If I’d knew you were coming over I would’ve cleaned but,” she took a deep breath, “I’ve not been doing well. I haven’t had the time to clean, or do anything much really.”

Lena had indeed noticed the absence of Supergirl in the time she had been gone.

“It’s ok,” Lena nodded.

“I read your letter, and I hope you don’t mind, but I wrote you one too,” Kara started, “but I want to read it out to you, if you’ll let me?”

Lena grasped Kara’s hand and dragged her to the couch, where they sat, a noticeable gap between them, but bridged by their hands in the middle.

“I want you to read it to me Kara,” Lena said, honestly.

“Ok,” Kara took a deep breath.

“Lena,” she began, “I’m proud of you. For getting your drivers license. I knew you could do it,” her eyes sparkled with something akin to joy, but not quite there yet, masked by the sadness.

“When things are better for us, I want you to take me somewhere. We can go on a road trip, you at the wheel, me singing with reckless abandon. I want to spend time with you. And I’m happy now, that you’re able to see my face as I tell you this,” She wiped her eyes with the corner of her sleeve.

“You driving to my house is not stupid. I couldn’t count all of the times I’ve flown to your apartment or to your office to tell you something, or to just see your face, and it hurt so much, remembering that what I did made us like this.”

“My friends haven’t been here for weeks. They’ve tried, of course. I just don’t have the energy to see people any more. They all act like nothing is wrong, when nothing is right, and I can’t stand to see their happy faces when I have to remember my own actions.”

“They should have never made you doubt yourself. It sounds really sappy, Lena, but none of them have ever come close to meaning what you do to me. I love them all, I love Alex, Nia, Brainy, Kelly, every one of them. But I’m not the same without you. Only losing Alex could break me the way losing you has, and even then, it’s not in the same way. I just want you to know that you mean so much more to me, that I care for you in a way I have never cared for anyone else.”

Lena had started crying, and she brought up her hand to her face to wipe away the tears, before realising her hand was still connected to Kara’s.

She swiped her thumb across the back of Kara’s hand comfortingly, grabbing the attention of the reporter, who looked up at her with a little smile before continuing.

“Lena your trauma is never the problem. I trust you with my life, you know that. I would do anything for you. Your trauma is not why I lied to you. I lied to you to keep you safe, if people knew that Supergirl and you were friends, you could have been put in even more danger, and knowing my identity could’ve made it even worse, with people using you for information. Your trauma is not the problem for me, I love everything about you, and I want to help you.”

“I’m far from normal. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I’ve been neglecting my duties as Supergirl, I’ve not been into work for weeks , my articles are written from home. I can’t change anything in this apartment, I can’t clean, can’t cook, can’t do the dishes. I’m nothing without you.”

“I did mean what I said to you when Jack died. I always intended to protect you, which is why I lied. I didn’t want anyone to hurt you. Being around you I could just be Kara Danvers, with no obligation to anyone or anything, and selfishly, I loved that. I loved being normal, with you.”

“And Lena, even when we aren’t together I will protect you, even if you don’t take me back, even if you don’t forgive me, I will always watch out for you, I will always care for you.”

“I said I will always be here, and I meant it. I can’t hear to be apart from you either, and it pains me every day knowing that you hate me. I could never hate you, Lena, far from it. I’m sorry you had to be alone, driving past my street. I should’ve been there.”

“Alex is worried for me too. She tried to give me lists of therapists Kelly recommended, but I’m not ready for that yet. I don’t know when I will be. I want to understand the way you feel about me. I don’t think the way I feel is as different as you think it is.”

“It didn’t take me long to realise why it hurt so much. I think I’d always known. It just took being apart from you to make sense of it all.”

“The way I felt about Mon-el was never the same as the way I feel about you. I understand that now. Now that you’re gone, I understand why my lies hurt you so much, and why it feels like there’s always something missing when you’re not here.”

“I still hear you everywhere. I hear your laugh, the one we both know you reserve for just me, wherever I go. I wake up half expecting to see you, peacefully asleep next to me, drooling softly on the pillow. I miss hugging you, I miss the way you look at me when I’m doing something dorky, I just miss you,” Kara sniffled, her voice breaking more with every new word.

“It’s not stupid, Lena. I know why you’re so upset, I think we both do.”

“We will never be perfect, and we will never go back to the way we were. But I don’t want to go back to just being best friends, dodging around our feelings, burying thoughts and hiding emotions.”

“I never thought seeing you again would feel so... normal. I still feel the same as I always have Lena.”

“I know this now, and I need to tell you,” she pulled her glasses off, put the paper down, grasped Lena’s hands in both her own, and looked her in the eyes.

“I’m in love with you, Lena Luthor. And I hope you can forgive me.”

Lena leant forwards to rest her head against Kara’s.

By now they both had tears steadily dripping down their faces, eyes red from use.

“I’m in love with you too.”

And there they sat, huddled on the couch, crying softly together.

Living, breathing proof that talking really does fix things.

They were far from being ok, of course, they both knew that.

But they were on their way, and that was just fine.