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“You are still up.“
Feinne flinched, though not at the voice – after all, the melody of Altena’s voice was as familiar as the song of the birds outside her window that she had woken to all her life in Baruoki. It wasn’t even the dark barely disturbed by a single lantern by her side that made her jumpy. The reason for it was simpl the sheer depth of Feinne’s thought, which had entangled and drawn her under. Dreams crushed amidst worry, and a promise to herself: always that promise she had made and could not break.
“That is my line as well,” she said gently, and scooted over. Altena settled down beside her without a word, sticking her legs through the railing, dangling them in the air where they sat on the balcony of the inn. It was cramped, cramped enough that their thighs were almost touching.
Feinne’s heart beat like crazy, with the weight of her own promise forcing it to work so much harder. She swallowed, hard. Clenched her fists in her lap.
“Feinne,” Altena sighed. “You seem worried. Is everything … alright?”
Feinne stared at her for a moment. “What!” How could Altena think – “I have you back! How could things not be alright? Altena, I … I thought I’d lost you!” Feinne’s hands twitched, aching to reach out and pull Altena close and never let her go again. Instead she curled her fingers tight, blunt nails pressing into her palms. “Altena – I am so happy you are back! Please don’t think I’m no-“ She cut off when gently, but decisively, Altena poked a fingertip against her forehead.
Feinne closed her mouth, entranced by Altena’s gaze holding hers in the moonlight, eyes so bright and lovely and full of life. For a moment she wondered how she had never told this incredible girl in front of her that she –
“I don’t think that,” Altena said, with a little chuckle. “Don’t be a dummy, Feinne. And just because you’re happy I’m back doesn’t mean you never get to weighed down by anything again – though it would be nice, if that were the case.” She smoothed her finger between Feinne’s brows, smiling. “You get that little wrinkle here. Always makes me wanna smoothe it away, because you only get it when you’re deep in thought over something that gives you trouble. So … what is it?” She dropped her hand back into her lap, and Feinne swallowed, hard. “You have me back, after all,” Altena said, voice so fond and soft that it brought tears to Feinne’s eyes. “I don’t … I hope despite what happened – that you would still … trust me. With your thoughts, with … your heart.”
Oh, how foolish Altena was. Suddenly all those feelings that made Feinne’s heart race did not matter – not in a way that it affected her. Not when she realised Altena was as nervous and uncertain as Feinne was – with no reason at all! She reached out, grasping Altena’s hands. Squeezing them. “You would have died for me, Altena. You wanted me to live so much you would have given your own life. That is the Altena I have always known – brave, and kind.” Feinne looked at her – that face she kew so well. Altena had been with her every day in the beast king’s castle. She had snuck her sweets and comforted her, had climbed into her room and held her as she wept, had entrusted Feinne with all her secrets, and kept Feinne’s safe in turn.
Feinne had thought loyalty and trust of this extent were bound by family – could not exist outside her relationship to her brother and her grandpa. But then this amazing girl had come into her life, so warm and wonderful, and shown Feinne how much more room there was in her heart. Had moved right in, and made a place to stay. The words were so easy to say, all of a sudden. “Nothing could have changed that. I already trust you – with all my heart.” She inhaled. “Altena, you already have all my heart.”
Was that enough to fulfill her promise? That if only – if only she ever got to see Altena again, she would tell her … ?
No. This was the coward’s way, surely. And Feinne was many things, but she was no coward!
“Oh, Feinne,” Altena sighed, before Feinne could act on her sudden panic-soaked impulse to fumble out the words and deal with the consequences. “You are incredible, do you know that? I could not … I would not dare ask for a better friend than you.” Altena laced their fingers, squeezing back gently. Her smile was the most beautiful thing in the world. “You have my heart, too. You have had it since we were just little girls, too young to even understand why our friendship should not exist. And isn’t it so marvellous that now that very strength is what helps us save the world? The very reality of things?”
Oh. Feinne’s heart ached with fondness. It ached for the beauty of it and it ached that she wished being friends was enough for her – that she could look at this amazing person without yearning for more. As if their friendship was not everything already, filling a space so big in Feinne it was unthinkable to be without Altena. How could she ever?
“Altena,” she sighed softly, and at once she knew that what she feared was not rejection: because this friendship was everything she needed and would ever need. What she feared was things changing between them. Altena distancing herself from her, feeling awkward and put off by her friend’s desire.
But as she looked into those beautiful, warm eyes Feinne’s heart beat with the certainty that such a thing would never happen. “I made a promise … you know,” she breathed.
“Is that what’s on your mind?” Altena had not let go of her hand, and squeezed it gently. “Do you want to tell me about it? If I can help, you need only say the word, and I will be with you!”
Feinne’s heart ached a little. If only it were that simple! “Careful to be saying that before you know.” She sighed. “It’s just … when you – when I lost you …” Even now, she could not say it. That period of grief … it did not wash off her like inkstains. Rather, it was etched into her very skin, itching and aching occasionally still. No one could shake a sadness so monumental, a loss so great.
Not even when that person returned. Feinne still woke up in cold sweats, thinking – she swallowed hard. It was not the time to dwell on such things. Altena squeezed her hand again, in quiet support, giving Feinne the space to think and find her words.
And that simple gesture was … enough.
“There were things I never told you. Things that I promised, if only I had the chance … I would never let them go unsaid again.” Not that Feinne had truly expected to get another chance … but now, here they were. And she kept her promises, to others and herself. “So now’s the moment,” she whispered, glimpsing up at Altena and immediately away, flushing.
Off to a terrible start!
“Jeez, Feinne. You sound so serious!” Altena said, airy and light, and then seemed to realise the mood was a little too heavy for such a comment. She sobered, and cradled Feinne’s hand in both of hers now. “This is … big, huh?”
“Kind of. But also not. It doesn’t have to be, I think.” Feinne sighed explosively. “It’s like, I’m holding this box full of things! And I never let you peek in! But now I will! And if you want it, it’s yours! And if you don’t, I’ll close the lid on it! And you needn’t ever bother with it again, even though I might keep carrying it for a while longer!”
Altena blinked at her. “This box … is a metaphor?”
“Yeah,” Feinne said, bashful. “Can I –“
“Yeah,” Altena breathed, holding her hands tighter. She shivered as she said so, and it could not have been the fault of the warm night air “If you will allow me … I would love to take a peek, Feinne.”
Feinne snorted at having her metaphor run with like that. It made things feel a lot more normal, even when her heart was pounding, and her hand was beginning to be sweaty, and her cheeks were so hot it ached.
“I love you, Altena,” she blurted out, no finesse whatsoever.
Altena’s eyes widened, though not in sufficient enough shock for sure, and Feinne could not bear having to say it again, so she wanted to make herself very clear and kept on: “And not like I’ve always loved you! I mean, I think I’ve almost always loved you that way, even when I didn’t know what it was, but I don’ mean I love you the way a friend does, I mean that I love you in the way where when I think of a house and maybe some cats or a – a child, or two, then I think of you by my side, and maybe there’s a ring on your finger, and maybe I k-kiss you somet-“
Her rant was cut off by – exactly that. She squeaked as Altena’s hand let go of hers to cup her face, lips pressed against hers. Gentle. Absolutely unreal.
“Oh, Feinne,” Altena sighed, having pulled back before Feinne could even process. She brushed a strand of hair from Feinne’s face and her eyes, her smile, was so warm. “I’ve always loved you that way, too. I just … I was ready to be happy as your trusted friend by your side.”
“M-me too!” Feinne said, excited to find her sentiments mirrored. To see again, how similar they were. Different souls, different races, different minds, and yet their hearts beat the same. Their souls’ shapes matched as if the very universe had intended them to. And wasn’t that just so marvellous? “I never would’ve said a thing! Except I regret it so long! And I didn’t want things to change, but I can’t break a promise! Altena!” Her eyes widened. “Altena, did you just kiss me?!”
Altena laughed, at that. She threw her head back cackling, joy transforming her face into the most beautiful sight. Altena’s laugh was so wild and so free, deep from her throat with the occasional snort, and Feinne loved it with all her heart. Had missed it so dearly, when she had mourned Altena and thought her lost forever.
A chance like this – a second chance. Not many got it. Barely anyone. And Feinne wanted to make the most of it. She wanted to hear Altena’s laughter every day, and she wanted to watch her face age until laugh lines were etched into Altena’s skin. They were so young, and there was so much saving of the world to do. But one day they’d be older and wiser and would finally be able to settle, and that would be wonderful, too.
“Yeah, you dolt,” Altena said at last, voice as warm as a cares. Her eyes sparkled with the sheen of her tears of laughter. Feinne really wanted to kiss her.
“I wanna kiss you!” she blurted. “But I don’t know how! I’m really new to this!”
Altena laughed again, softer and fonder. She inched closer, their thighs pressed together, warm hands on Feinne’s warmer cheeks. She tilted Feinne’s head up with all the care in the world, holding her gaze. “It’s not something you start out knowing. It’s something you have to practice, you know.” She smiled, more beautiful than all blossoms in Spring straining towards the sun. “No matter how clumsy we are, I will love every second … because it is you.”
Me, too, Feinne wanted to say, and: I cannot conceive of a universe in which I would not love you.
Instead she awkwardly leaned forward, lips smacking half against Altena’s cheek, half the corner of her mouth. Chcukling, Altena tilted her face so their lips found each other, clumsy indeed, but so, so very perfect.
Despite feelign shy, Feinne also placed her palms on Altena’s cheeks by then – felt the curve of her face, wondered if she could do all she had ever dreamed of now. Kiss Altena’s brow, her nose, her eyelids, her temple. Share a bed and hold her at night … “I love you,” she breathed, against Altena’s lips, butterflies going wild in her stomach.
“And I love you,” Altena breathed. “I will never let you go again, Feinne. You promised me that little home. So let’s figh for it, alright?”
And Feinne only smiled wider, leaning her forehead against Altena’s, eyes closed. Finding the peace she longed for in the future already, in this small moment, their breathing synched, their hearts beating together. “Yes, Altena. Let’s fight for our future. Together.”