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He found Feinne with her legs drawn up to her body, hugging her knees to herself. As if it could fix the hole torn into her heart Guildna knew was there by virtue of his own pain.
Were there not the mission ahead, he would not be able to take a single step more. He was a puppet with its strings cut, a body without a heart, and only knowing he must bring Altena back still kept him going.
And here, this small girl, so very human and so very kind that it had touched the very ones who had kidnapped her. Once upon a time, that had been Guildna. In the past that used to be his future. And yet, she had never held it against them – against him. Her strength had always been … a different kind from his, and extraordinary all the same.
He joined her wordlessly, in a respectable distance. Guildna did not want to encroach on her space, or her grief. But he found not sleep, and had not dared to stir Aldo who was worn down by trying to fix an unfixable hole in two people he loved.
This was what Guildna had done to Aldo, once upon a time. Maybe that was what made it impossible to seek comfort in him. How could Guildna ask to have a grief soothed he had inflicted upon Aldo, and his sister?
At least he had housed Feinne, and not sacrificed her life into a weapon.
The moment Altena was torn apart replayed in his mind again, merciless. If they couldn’t bring Altena back from this – if her spirit and her essence and her very life would have been torn to unsalvagable shreds --
No, he could not think this or he would – his thoughts spiralled, fear clawing up his throat, heart hammering as he choked on the fear that --
Gentle fingers curled against his, and he looked up, haunted eyes drinking in the human girl in front of him. Feinne looked at him with an expression he had not expected – her eyes were red-rimmed and still wet with tears, face wrecked with grief and anger and fear, and yet her eyes blazed with determination. She was devastated, but she would walk this path with him. They would bring Altena back.
Guildna was no longer the only one in the world who loved Altena. It was no longer only them against the world. And he wasn’t jealous – he was relieved. That she was loved, and that he did not have to be alone. Not with this.
“We do not have time to cry,” he said, stupidly. It was the only thing on his mind, the only thing making it past his lips, because asking Can we really save her? would be sacrilege. Doubting even for a second would kill him.
“That’s not true,” Feinne said, fierce. She squeezed his hand and without thought, he turned his own, and she laced their fingers in silent companionship. What a warm and marvellous girl. It was no wonder Aldo’s existence had shaped itself into something entirely new only for this girl. “I’m crying my eyes out, but it’s only making me more determined.” She sniffed, rather pointedly, and turned her head, eyes on the horizon. Into the distance where Altena’s soul is waiting to be freed, somewhere beyond their reach. “There is always time for your true feelings. Being sad doesn’t mean you won’t get up and keep fighting. It just means you need to feel sad for a bit.”
“I guess,” he said, voice rough. He did not tell her that he feared if he felt even for one second the abject horror of having lost his sister, he feared he would indeed never stand up again, never grasp his blade again, never draw breath again.
Feinne sniffed again, and then she moved. She inched closer and settled onto her knees close to him, then sat up on them to wrap an arm around his neck. Startled, Guildna followed her as she pulled him down, made his head rest against her shoulder. It was an awkward position to hunch in, but her arm was steady and comforting around his neck, and she held him as fiercely as her words had rung. “It’s okay to be sad with me for a while,” she said, voice wet with tears. “The lighter our hearts, the easier we can move forwards to save her.”
And he felt his eyes burn, and had to close them against the sensation. When had he last cried? When had anyone last told him it was alright to?
“I wasn’t fast enough,” he choked out. “I was so stupid. It should’ve been me – I have the same blood as –“
“No,” Feinne said, crying harder now, and she turned her body to throw her arms around him and hold him tightly against her. Such a small and slender girl, but the force and feeling of her embrace made her feel so much bigger. “You can’t say such things. She wouldn’t want you to! You’re here now! That can’t be a mistake!”
But it felt like one. A ragged sob escaped him, muffled in Feinne’s shoulder. And she only held him tighter, leaned her cheek against his temple, and he felt her whole body shake with her own tears against his. “Altena would want you safe,” Feinne promised him, no doubt in her voice even as she hiccuped and sobbed. “And so we must stay safe for her sake. And we will cry, and after we will fight. And we will bring her back.”
He could not answer, falling apart against the frame of a girl he barely knew. A girl he had wronged in the same way his sister had been taken from him. How could Guildna ever atone for all he had done? Was it not his own crimes that had pushed fate to repay him with them, dragging Altena into his fight?
And had his older self not sacrificed his own sister he had been so far gone? Had it not always been in his blood to let her down?
“Altena loves you,” Feinne said, her clear voice cutting through the dark tangles encroaching his heart and choking him. “She loves you, and she loves me, and she loves the world and being alive. Her spirit will survive this. She just has to hang on a little longer.”
And Guildna finally lifted his arms, limp at his side until now, and he wrapped them around Feinne’s small frame and held on in turn. Gave her a little of the comfort back she offered him. “Yes,” he said, and it was a promise. To Feinne and to Altena both. “Yes,” he said, and he was not ashamed of the tears leaving his voice torn.
If there had ever been a moment to be sad, just for a bit, it was now.
“For Altena,” he said.
And Feinne echoed him without hesitation, without the slightest doubt in her voice. “For Altena.”