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Bitty likes the quiet. Not the kind of silence that fills an empty house or the hush that falls around campus with the first snowfall of the season. Bitty likes the quiet he can find in his favorite places; the simple sounds of a pair of skates gliding across Faber in the solitude of the early morning, the barely-there hum of the familiar oven in his Mama’s kitchen, the soft breathing of his boyfriend on the rare occasions Bitty wakes before him. It’s those quiet moments that Bitty lives for, despite his talkative and extroverted nature.
But for all the quiet moments Bitty treasures, sometimes the silence is the worst thing in the world. It can be tense, pulsing with unspoken emotions. It can be suffocating, forcing courageous words back down your throat. It can be deafening, the ringing in your ears as you try to recall the last few seconds. And despite Bitty’s knack for weaving stories, whispering sweet words into Jack’s ear, and cajoling a laugh out of his teammates, when faced with that silence, not a single word can be conjured to fill the space.
That is what Bitty fears most when it comes to spilling his secrets. The inevitable silence that follows his confession. Best case scenario, it takes but a second for a positive reply, an “Oh! Thanks for telling me,” or some variation, such as in the case of coming out to Shitty. Worst case scenario, there is no reply- the terrifying silence stretches on, taking up every inch of space, filling Bitty’s mouth with a bitter taste and his eyes with stinging tears.
The anticipation of the silence is what keeps Bitty from pressing the bright green dial on his phone, right under the bold “Mama” written in his contact’s favorites. He has no idea how long he’s been staring at the phone screen when Jack emerges from the bathroom. Bitty looks up from his impending downward spiral to see his boyfriend leaning against the doorframe, looking warm and relaxed with his damp hair and worn out Samwell pajamas.
“Well hi there,” Bitty says sweetly, eagerly turning off his phone and opening his arms wide to beckon Jack forward.
“Hey there yourself, Mr.Bittle,” Jack goes in for Bitty’s embrace only to scoop him up and lay him on the bed, quickly settling next to him. Bitty lets out a startled laugh before bringing his lips to Jacks for a kiss. His boyfriend smells like Bitty’s shampoo and tastes like spearmint toothpaste, two things Bitty had only just began to relish in the past 8 months or so.
After a long moment, Jack pulls away, eyes still closed, smiling that little smile he seems to reserve only for those closest to him, never to be found gracing the cover of a magazine or in a presser. Bitty truly can’t believe how lucky he is to be here right now, in a bed he shares as often as he can with Jack, completely in love and happier than he’d allowed himself to be in a long, long time. It'd be perfect if it weren’t for that nagging little notion in the back of his head, the little voice telling him to bite the bullet and make the calls.
Sometimes Bitty swears Jack must be an empath or something because it seems he can pick up on the slightest of changes in Bitty’s mood. Just as his mind begins to wander from the lovely present, Jack brings a calloused hand to Bitty’s cheek, bringing him back to focus with each gentle stroke of his thumb.
“What’re you thinking about, lapin, hmm?” Jack asks, his blues eyes earnest and hooded ever slightly.
“Nothin’, sweetpea. It’s just been a long day. What about you?” Bitty asks, trying to shift the conversation away from him.
“Mmm, not too bad of a day, but I see what you’re doing Bits. What’s up, talk to me.”
Bitty rolls on to his back, letting out an exasperated sigh and throwing an arm across his eyes. “I keep trying Jack, everyday. I pick up the phone and I pull up her number and I just sit there, helpless. No matter what I do, I can’t make myself push that little green button. I just get so darn frustrated I end up baking enough pies to feed a whole army.”
“I guess this means I can take some pies to the guys tomorrow?” Jack teases, rolling over to settle his head on top of Bitty’s chest. “And I know you want to tell your parents first but maybe you’re just not ready?”
Bitty flings his arm off his face, looking down to meet Jack’s eyes, a look of absolute exasperation adorning his lips. “It’s not that, I’m ready to tell some people, we’re ready. We’ve already told your parents-”
“They said to tell you they loved the cake you brought over for dinner, by the way.”
“- but I feel like I’m not being fair to you by not being honest to myself and my friends and my family.” Bitty huffs, feeling just as frustrated as he had staring at his Mama’s contact all afternoon.
“Bitty,” Jack says, reaching a hand out to slide it into his boyfriend’s grasp, giving it a tight squeeze. “You aren’t being unfair, okay? I need you to know that. I’m not expecting you to tell people about us before you’re ready because you feel you need to, Bits. I love you so much, okay?”
Bitty feels like he might cry. “I know honey, I love you too. So, so much. I just want to stop feeling scared of my parents or what other people will think, y’know? I’m so happy to be with you and I want to be able to share that happiness with the people close to me.”
Jack gives him that little smile again, reaching up to kiss Bitty on the forehead before falling back onto his chest. Bitty begins to card his fingers through his boyfriend’s dark, still slightly-damp hair as Jack speaks again.
“Being scared to tell people us, especially your conservative-rural-Georgian parents, is perfectly natural, lapin. Maybe we just need to practice some? You know, start small with people you know will be supportive? I know you had your heart set on telling your Mama and Coach first but maybe we could get the group together for dinner and tell them first?”
Bitty considers for a moment. “Yeah, yeah that could work. Then I could tell the rest of the team and work my way up to my parents?”
“I’ll text Shits, Lardo, Ransom, and Holster, see if they wanna come up the weekend after the game next week? You guys don’t have anything else going on, right?”
“Nope I think we’re all good.” Bitty smiles, feeling more at ease. “I’m excited to finally be able to tell our friends, they keep teasing me about the goofy looks I get when I open my texts.”
“Oh yeah? Looking a little lovesick, Bitty?” Jack teases, propping himself up on his elbow so he can look down at his cute, blushing boyfriend.
“You stop with that chirpin’ Jack Zimmermann.”
“You love it.”
Bitty gives Jack a sly, sultry smirk, “Yeah, I do. Now come on, I’m only here until tomorrow afternoon and I fully intend to spend every minute enjoying myself.”
Bitty immediately sees the spark ignite behind Jack’s eyes as he leans down, his breath warm against Bitty’s face. “Well then, we’d better get started, hadn’t we?”
...
Silence is Bitty’s companion in the kitchen today. Whether it be welcome or not, Bitty’s not quite sure yet. Jack was on his way back to the condo with a couple of pizzas while Bitty finished up the last of the pies he had been baking for most of the afternoon, patiently anticipating the arrival of the boys and Lardo.
A buzzing from the counter causes Bitty to tear his eyes away from anxiously watching the minutes tick away on the clock in search of his phone. It’s Mama. For a second, Bitty’s finger hovers over the accept button, knowing he should pick up and see how she’s doing. With a sigh however, Bitty sets the phone back down, letting it ring away. If he were to start talking to his Mama, Bitty is sure he’d psych himself out and end up chickening out of the reveal set for the night.
Luckily for the fragility of Bitty’s anxious little heart, Jack comes in through the front door not two minutes later, dressed in the jeans Bitty loves and a Falconers tee and cap, a towering stack of pizza’s in hand.
“How’re those pies coming along, Bits?”
“Just pulled ‘em out,” Bitty says, bringing a stack of paper plates to the table where Jack has set the pizza boxes. He reaches up on his toes to give his boyfriend a quick peck on the cheek. “They should be arriving any minute now, huh?”
Jack turns to face Bitty, sliding his arms around the smaller man’s waist. “Yup. Lardo texted me a couple of minutes ago saying they were almost here. You ready?”
“You know,” Bitty says, looking up at Jack, feeling his worries start to slip away with the knowledge that Jack is here with him no matter what. “I really am. I may be a little excited even.”
Jack huffs a laugh, the quiet kind that just barely escapes (another one of Bitty’s favorite kinds of quiet). “Yeah, me too Bits. That is until Shitty starts in on us.”
“Oh lord, that boy.”
With the perfect comedic timing, the buzzer sounds in the room, followed by a very loud, very obviously Shitty-like voice yelling “Zimmermann!” through the intercom.
“Speak of the devil,”
...
“God Bitty, I swear your apple pie gets better every time I have a piece. Promise to send Holster and I pies after we graduate.” Ransom says after letting out a decidedly inappropriately loud moan.
Bitty laughs, feeling the heat rise in his cheeks. “Of course, you know I will.”
The gang had all arrived, case of beer in hand, hungry for pizza and ready to play a few rounds of Cards Against Humanity. They had only made it through one full game before a heated debate had broken out between Jack and Holster, Bitty deciding it would be best if he brought the pie out.
They had settled in front of Jack’s TV, Shitty and Lardo sitting suspiciously close on the smaller couch, Rans and Holster on half the sectional, leaving Bitty and Jack sitting next to one another, knees barely touching. If it weren’t for that one simple grounding pint, Bitty is sure he’d be caught in another spiral, nothing but white noise filling his brain. Instead, he’s only slightly anxious, otherwise happy to be amongst friends and his sweet boyfriend.
As Ransom and Holster start to argue about what sweets they’ll be demanding in the future, Jack catches Bitty’s eye, lightly resting his hand on Bitty’s thigh.
“You ready, Bits?”
Bitty lets out a small, shaky breath but gives Jack a confident grin. “As I’ll ever be.”
Bitty sets down his plate on the coffee table before loudly clearing his throat.
“Speech!” Shitty exclaims.
“Uh thanks. Y’all, it’s been so good to get everyone back in the same place, this time without the tub juice.”
Ransom and Holster interject with a hardy whoop. “Don’t rule it out yet Bitty, the night is young!”
“Hush! Anyways, there is a reason for tonight and why we didn’t wanna meet at the Haus. You see-” Bitty swallows, taking a minute to turn towards Jack, taking his hand in his own. “Jack and I are dating.”
There’s no chance for the silence to settle in because immediately after the words leave Bitty’s mouth, all hell breaks loose.
“Oh. My. God. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!” Lardo shouts, jumping out of the seat.
“Yoooooo!” Rans and Holster bellow together.
“Jack Zimmerman, you beautiful, sweet summer child, YOU WERE HOLDING OUT ON ME???” Shitty cries
The only thing Bitty can think to do is laugh. He laughs, the best kind, a mix of relief and pure happiness that bursts from deep in his chest. He turns back to Jack and sees he’s laughing too, his whole body shaking with it. A wide smile that is sure to be matching Bitty’s own is crinkling his eyes as Jack slips his arm around Bitty’s waist and pulls them together.
“You did it, Bits” He whispers before pressing a kiss to the top of Bitty’s head.
A loud raucous of “Fine!” sounds through the room and Bitty’s laughing so hard there’s actual tears welling up.
Later, after everyone had settled down and began the processes of readying to go, Lardo manages to catch Bitty for a moment.
“Hey Bitty?”
Bitty looks up from the dishes he's washing to smile at his best friend. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to say that pie was seriously one of the best I’ve had of yours and that, well, I’m glad you told us.”
Bitty sets the plate back in sink and rinses his hands off before pulling Lardo in for a tight hug.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell y’all sooner. It’s not that we were ashamed or anything-”
“No, no of course not Bitty, we totally understand. It’s just that a lot of us around the Haus had been really worried about you ‘cause you were acting really off, but now that we know why, it’s a big relief to know you’re okay. It must’ve really sucked to have to hide your relationship with Jack.” Lardo sympathizes, leaning back onto the kitchen island.
Bitty sighs, and moves to stand next to her, looking out into the living room, a sly smile adorning his face as he watches Jack and Shitty childishly wrestle while Holster and Rans egg them on.
“I love him, Lardo. I love being with him, staying with him, getting to know him better than just about anything but it is so hard to keep it all to myself, y’know. I want to be able to go out and do the simple things like hold hands and walk around campus together, kiss him after he comes off the ice, hell, even just bring him home for Thanksgiving. But it’s been okay knowing we're in this together and that eventually we will be able to do all those things and more.
Besides him, Lardo sniffles, stubbornly dabbing away the wetness from her eyes with the sleeves of her SMH sweater. “Christ, Bittle, stop trying to make me cry. I am really happy for you guys, I think you and Jack were made for each other.”
As Bitty watches Jack, now standing over a red-faced, defeated Shitty, raise his hands in triumph and beam at his boyfriend, he can’t help but agree.
...
Bitty has just finished pulling on a pair of pajama shorts and one of Jack’s soft Falconer’s t-shirts, when he walks into the bedroom to find his boyfriend sprawled across the bed, holding aloft a small paperback as he flips through the pages.
Bitty crawls into bed next to him, trying to make out the small heading on the page of the book. “Whatcha reading?”
Jack dog ears his book (blasphemy!) and sets it down on his bedside table, turning his head to look at Bitty. “Boys in the Boat. It’s about the 1936 Olympic rowing team from the University of Washington.”
“Of course it’s a history book.” Bitty laughs.
Jack reaches to turn off the lamp and climbs under the covers, him and Bitty curling towards one another to resemble a pair of parentheses.
“Tonight went really well Bits, don’t you think?” Jack whispers into the comfortable silence of the room, threading his fingers through the soft hair at the nape of his boyfriend’s long neck.
Bitty leans into the touch, bringing one of his own hands to softly play with the collar of Jack’s shirt. “Yeah it did, honey. It felt so good to tell them.”
Bitty can feel the rumble of Jack’s soft laugh before he hears it, a soft, sweet thing Bitty has decided is one of the many things he loves most about his boyfriend. “I know. It was such a relief. Now I don’t have to hide who I’ve been facetime with every night from Shitty. Although I have to warn you, you’d better watch out when you get back to the haus because I’m willing to bet the guys are just waiting to bombard you with fines.”
Bitty laughs but it is quickly cut off by the firm press of Jack’s lips to his. Bitty melts into it, allowing his boyfriend to run his tongue along the seam of his lips before granting entrance. Jack is still running his fingers up and down the back of his neck and when they part, Bitty isn’t ashamed to say he’s a little breathless.
Jack opens his bright blue eyes and moves his hand to lightly trace the features of Bitty’s face, feather-soft as he touches his eyebrows, nose, cheeks. This is something Jack does often, always reaching for Bitty, touching in some way or another. Once, late at night after a round of mind-blowing victory sex, Jack had confessed that simply being near Bitty was a way of grounding himself, of finding a bit of reprieve from the overwhelming anxiety he faced. Lord, Bitty loved this boy.
“Jack?”
“What’re you thinking, Bits?”
Bitty looks right into Jack’s eyes, letting out a small, shaky breath. “I’m ready to tell Mama and Coach.”
Jack smiles, reaching for Bitty’s hand. “Okay, bud. Let's do it.”
…
The couple decides to wait a couple weeks until they can be together to break the news. Jack has a couple of back to back roadies and Bitty is in the midst of the midterms, but the Saturday after his last exam, Bitty finds himself nervously picking at his nails, curled into Jack as he watches some documentary on the TV.
His anxiety was practically palpable at the moment and Jack, the sweetheart he was, turned the TV to hold and comfort Bitty. They were now laying on the couch, Bitty with his back against Jack’s chest, holding his boyfriends large hands in his own. As he played with Jack’s long, calloused fingers, Bitty tried to put his mind at ease.
“You know, my therapist says sometimes it can be good to talk about our anxieties about an upcoming event beforehand. She says it can help us think out a game plan, so to speak, and center ourselves.” Jack says.
Bitty sighs and holds Jack’s hand close to his chest. “I just keep running scenarios through my mind, over and over again. Of course I hope they’re accepting and happy for us, but I think the one thing I’m most afraid of is their silence. I’m terrified that they’ll just sit there and won’t say anything. I can handle the curses and yelling, the outright disapproval because I can just label them as bigots, but if they deny it or refuse to acknowledge it? I don’t think I’d be able to handle them blatantly ignoring this huge part of my life, of our life.”
“Oh, Bitty, baby,” Jack whispers, squeezing Bitty tight. “I can only imagine how terrifying it must feel to worry about your family rejecting you, but just know that no matter what, I’ll always be here for you. We will get through this together, I promise. But Bitty, I don’t think your parents are going to be anything but accepting. They’re good people and they love you more than anything.”
Bitty is full-on crying at this point, rolling over to bury his head in Jack’s chest. Jack just holds him, soothingly rubbing one hand up and down Bitty’s back, the other burying itself in his soft blond hair. After a few minutes of consoling and crying, Bitty’s breathing has evened out and Jack continues to hold him, a silent tear of his own sliding down his cheek as he breathes in the scent of his boyfriend.
“Thank you honey, so much. I know you’re right but there’s always that voice in the back of my mind, doubting everything.”
Jack nods, pushing the hair of Bitty’s eyes as he peers down at him. “Trust me Bits, I know it well. Now, lets see,” Jack pauses to check his silver wristwatch. “We have about 15 minutes before you said you’d call your parents but you can text them and say something came up if you want to wait-”
“No, no I’m ready. I want to do it today.” Bitty says, still sniffling a little but voice strong and confident.
Jack smiles before pressing a chaste kiss to Bitty’s lips and getting up from off the couch. “Okay then. I’ll make us some tea and get the laptop.”
...
The room is quiet except for the familiar ringing of skype call and the tap-tap-tap of Bitty’s incessant leg-bouncing. Jack smiles and gently knocks his shoulder against Bitty as they sit next to one another on the couch, his own way of silently telling Bitty ‘everything’s going to be okay.’
“Dicky! It’s so good to see you!” His Mama exclaims, finally having connected to the call.
Bitty jumps a little bit, quickly turning away from Jack to wave at the laptop perched on top of a couple of books resting on the coffee table. “Hi Mama! It’s so good to see you, sorry I haven’t called you in a while.”
Suzanne Bittle waves her arms, dismissing her anxious son. “It’s fine Eric. Oh, Jack! I didn’t see you there! How’re you?”
Jack grins, “Pretty good, Mrs. Bittle.”
“Where’s Coach, Mama?”
“Right here, Junior.” Coach says, sliding into view of the camera as he takes a seat next to his wife. By the looks of it, he’s just gotten back from school, looking slightly annoyed, as per usual, with a red Madison Bulldogs ball cap perched on his head. “Hello Jack. Caught your game the other night- nice hattie.”
Out of the corner of his eye, Bitty sees Jack blush furiously as he enters hockey-robot mode. “Uh thank you, Mr. Bittle. Looks like it's going to be a good season, loving the team so far.”
“Well isn’t that great!” Bitty’s Mama beams. “Now tell us Dicky, how are you? We haven’t gotten to talk to you in weeks!”
Bitty swallows, quickly looking at Jack with a tight smile before turning back to his eager parents. It’s now or never. “I know and I’m real sorry I haven’t talked to y’all in a while but I’ve been meaning to call, really. It’s just, well-”
As Bitty takes a deep breath, he feels Jack press his knee to his, yet another small, covert sign of reassurance and affection, just the thing he needs to push through.
“I have something to tell you.”
Mama and Coach look worried as they exchange a glance. “What is it, honey? Something happen at school? Is that why you’re at Jack’s?”
“No, no, nothing happened.” Bitty laughs nervously. “It’s just- well, Mama, Coach, I’m gay. And Jack and I are in a relationship- have been for a while now.
For just a half second, silence fills the room. That horrible time-stopping, stomach-dropping silence hangs in the air. Bitty is just about to start back-tracking when a response finally sounds from the laptop speakers.
“Oh honey. ” Suzanne says.
That’s all it takes for Bitty’s worries to dissolve away, for in that exaltation is a hundred sentiments. It’s full of understanding, acceptance, love and nothing else.
“Thank you for telling us, Eric.” His Mama continues, smiling wide as tears begin to visibly well in her pixelated eyes. “We love you, honey. So much.”
Bitty lets out a wet laugh he hadn’t realized he’d been holding back. Jack slips a hand around his waist and he’s smiling too, looking at Bits with teary, loving eyes.
On the screen, Coach clears his throat, but sure enough he’s smiling too. A small little grin mostly disguised by his mustache, but a smile nonetheless.
“We always wondered, Junior, but we’re happy that you’ve finally felt comfortable enough to tell us.”
“Oh! And congratulations to both of y’all! Suzanne cuts in, looking at Jack. “Jack, we’re very happy for you as well! Such a nice, talented young man, isn’t he Richard?”
Coach nods in agreement while Bitty squeezes Jack’s knee.’’
“Well, um, thank you very much Mrs.-”
“Oh none of that now. You call us Suzanne and Richard from now on, you hear?”
“O-of course Suzanne.” Jack says nervously.
Bitty chuckles again, almost in disbelief of the situation. Here he is, finally out to his family, sitting next to his sweet, beautiful boyfriend, feeling nothing less than loved.
“I was so nervous to tell y’all, Mama.” Bitty confesses, leaning into Jack as he wipes away the last remnants of his tears.
“I’m sure you were darlin’. But no need anymore, we couldn’t be happier for you.”
…
As Jack gently shuts the laptop and Bitty settles once again against his chest, a quiet descends upon the room. This time though, Bitty isn’t running through scenes of rejection, isn’t thrumming with anxiety, isn’t scrambling to fill the silent void. Instead, as he leans his head back to accept another one of Jack’s forehead kisses, Bitty decides this is his favorite kind of quiet- the comfortable knowledge that he is loved and cared for, his mind once again at peace.