Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jangjun likes to believe that he doesn’t have many weaknesses. Sure, he may not be academically inclined, but he makes up for it with his street smarts and wit. He may not be the bravest or strongest, but he has sufficient nerve and drive to protect his loved ones all the same. He may not be the calmest or steadiest, but who needs that anyway? He knows that his endless exuberance makes his family and friends smile, and that’s all he needs.

Yet, there is one weakness that Jangjun has that apparently cannot be counteracted or ignored. It started when he first joined Woollim Entertainment as a nervous wreck who could barely sing, rap or dance, and has been growing slowly but surely ever since.

No, this weakness is neither his nerves nor unpolished skills (which are now extremely polished, thank you very much) - 

It is Choi Sungyoon.

2012

Choi Sungyoon was a stern-looking, satoori-speaking trainee who was two years older than Jangjun. He had facial features that were as sharp and cold as his words, which only added fuel to the anxiety-induced fire in Jangjun’s belly. For the first time in his life, Jangjun was speechless for more than an hour, keeping quiet to avoid communicating with the uncommunicative Sungyoon.

He remembered struggling silently to follow the basic choreography during his first dance practice, determined not to ask others for help because he didn’t dare to. He could feel Sungyoon’s eyes on his back, judging his lack of rhythm and coordination - but Jangjun stared resolutely forward, trying and failing to copy the dance instructor’s moves like a fish out of water.

He remembered that day clearly not just because it was his first day of training, but also because it was the day his fear of Sungyoon had concretised. He remembered how Sungyoon wordlessly escorted him to their dormitory after dance practice, not saying a single word about Jangjun’s (poor) dancing abilities. 

While Jangjun usually isn’t comfortable with silence, he was actually quite grateful for it this time. His ego was already bruised after seeing how much he lacked compared to the other trainees, so he didn’t need any more negative input to worsen his mood. 

Still silent, Sungyoon led him to their shared room and helped Jangjun unpack part of his luggage. It was when they were folding Jangjun’s socks into the empty drawer when Sungyoon said - 

“You’re quite arrogant, aren’t you?”

Jangjun was startled out of his sock-folding stupor, and was startled even more once he registered the words that Sungyoon had said. 

“M-me?”

“Well, is there anyone else in this room?”

Damn, this hyung was really rude. If Jangjun wasn’t so nice (and nervous), he would’ve told Sungyoon off, age and seniority be damned. 

“Uh, I’m sorry? I didn’t mean to come off that way.”

“I could’ve been fooled,” Sungyoon said, putting the second last pair of Jangjun’s socks away. “I’m going to shower. Make yourself at home.”

Jangjun speechlessly watched as Sungyoon took his pajamas from the closet and headed out of their room, the last pair of socks hanging limply from his frozen hands.

After the door closed behind Sungyoon, Jangjun’s shock turned into annoyance. In a childish act of defiance, he balled the last pair of socks up, imagined it was Sungyoon, and shoved it roughly into the sock-filled drawer where it (and Sungyoon) belonged.

A few days later, he and the other male trainees were scheduled to go for an evening jog along Han River. He was thankful that he had befriended some non-Sungyoon trainees over the past few days, so there was a buffer between the two of them during shared training sessions. That night, he ran alongside Minjoong even though his natural pacing was probably closer to Sungyoon’s, who was running effortlessly way ahead of the rest.

After everyone regrouped at the finish line one after another, he noticed that he and Sungyoon were the only ones who weren’t panting heavily. In fact, they were the only ones left standing while the others had already collapsed onto the ground beside them, limbs spread out like starfishes under the night sky. 

Apparently Sungyoon had noticed this too, because he told the rest, “you guys go back and rest first. I’ll exercise with Jangjun a little more.” Without giving Jangjun an opportunity to accept or decline, Sungyoon beckoned him over to a fitness corner, where he promptly started doing some sit-ups. He seemed to have an established workout routine there, so Jangjun started busying himself with the apparatus too.

It wasn’t too long until Sungyoon spoke up, sounding relaxed even though he was probably at his fiftieth sit-up - “so how have you found training so far?” 

Seems like Sungyoon was trying to be civil this time. Jangjun contemplated being dishonest or hostile in response, but found that the exercise was loosening him up and making him feel magnanimous. 

“To be honest, pretty tough. I’m so far behind everyone else, and I honestly don’t know why I chose this route in the first place… Did you know I got into the company because the recruiter thought I had ‘the eyes of a rapper’?”

He heard Sungyoon chuckle for the first time, a soft and happy sound. 

“Woollim recruiters! I can’t tell what their criteria is. I actually clapped during my audition because I couldn’t dance, but they accepted me on the spot,” he shook his head, smiling and looking at Jangjun now. “For the first few weeks, I was so sure I would never be able to dance. But there comes a point when everything kind of falls into place, and your body starts listening to you. I’m sure that time will come soon for you, too.”

It was the first time Jangjun had heard Sungyoon talk that much. He realised that Sungyoon’s speech was slightly awkward and stilted, a mix of standard Korean and a Busan-sounding dialect. It occurred to Jangjun that this might have been why Sungyoon spoke so little - he probably wasn’t confident in his accent, like most country people when they first arrived in Seoul.

“I hope so,” Jangjun replied, his heart swelling with the realisation that the two of them were both confused high schoolers sharing an uncertain dream, “has training been going well for you, then?”

Sungyoon, who still had his feet up on the sit-up bar, swivelled around to face Jangjun. “I… I don’t know. I guess it’s been hard. Well, not guess. It has been hard. But I’m happy I’m making some progress with dancing.” He shrugged, “I think the worst part of it is just being so far away from home.”

“Where are you from, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I’m from Changwon, it’s near Busan. Are you from Seoul?”

“Not exactly. I’m from Hwaseong, which is about an hour away. I guess I’ll be feeling some of that homesickness pretty soon, too.”

“Ah, welcome aboard. If it helps, our company allows trainees to call home after training or go back on public holidays. The trainees here are also really nice, like another family, except…” Sungyoon trailed off, looking away.

Jangjun cocked his head, “except what?”

Sungyoon sighed and looked down at his hands, “I didn’t want to load this on you so early, but… trainees leave. They get kicked out, they get injured, they don’t meet standards, they find greener pastures - whatever it is, there’s always a risk that your trainee friends will leave. Before you, I actually shared our room with another guy, but he left without a word.”

Damn, maybe that’s why Sungyoon was so cold to him at first. “Were you close to him?”

“Well, not exactly. I was really shy when I first joined and he left just a few weeks later. But it still gave me a reality check, because he was my first roommate away from home. Daeyeol hyung said you get used to it, but I don’t think I could ever.”

“I’m sorry about that. I promise if I ever leave, I’ll let you know in advance,” Jangjun said, attempting to lighten up the mood.

Sungyoon let out a little laugh. “Planning your exit so early? That must be a record.” 

“If you haven’t noticed, my dancing right now can’t even be called dancing. And the vocal instructor just certified me as tone-deaf yesterday. Things aren’t exactly looking bright right now.” Jangjun was only half-joking, but Sungyoon fixed him with a serious stare. 

“Don’t say that, it’s still too early to tell. Just based on your stamina, you seem to have a lot of potential. It’s rare that trainees don’t immediately collapse after their first Han River run.”

“I did a lot of sports back home, but I highly doubt that translates to idol material.”

“Trust me, it helps. All the running that I did in school helped me dance more, even though the dance itself wasn’t impressive. But it was the extended periods of practice that helped me get better. You can always join me if you need extra practice.”

Jangjun definitely felt bad for writing Sungyoon off as a scary and mean hyung now; he was honestly really nice. He smiled at Sungyoon appreciatively, “yeah, that’d be great, thanks.”

Sungyoon smiled back, “you know, I actually thought you were arrogant because you kept ignoring me on your first day. I was trying to help you with the dance but you just refused to look at me.”

Jangjun’s eyes widened, “you were trying to help me? When we first met, you looked and sounded like you wanted my head off!”

“I’m sorry”, Sungyoon laughed, sounding not at all sorry, “I have trouble smiling when I’m nervous. I’m shy around new people.”

“If that’s what you look like when you’re nervous… Well, let’s just say the people looking at you are probably more nervous.”

Sungyoon seemed to enjoy the thought and laughed harder, crow’s feet fanning out from his eyes. 

For the first time that week, Jangjun’s heart was light, and he felt like he was home. Away from Hwaseong, but in the middle of Seoul - the Han River breeze on his skin and Sungyoon’s laughter ringing in his ears.

2014

Sungyoon turned out to be right, because Jangjun’s dancing had improved exponentially after their late nights practising together. Along the way, Sungyoon had somehow taken on the role of trainee disciplinarian and guide, inviting the new trainees to join their extra practices and rebuking them whenever they slacked off. 

It suited him, Jangjun thought, with his stern shell and nurturing heart. He and Daeyeol worked well together, with the older focusing on the bigger picture and the younger on the details. Whereas Daeyeol worked out their routines and addressed the trainees as a whole, Sungyoon was the one who pulled them aside one by one to encourage or chastise them where needed.

Jangjun preferred to take the backseat as the funny guy who welcomed everyone and gave them advice when asked. Being the more laid-back one out of the experienced trainees, he inadvertently became the complaint portal for new trainees who were having a hard time because of Daeyeol or Sungyoon. Most asked why Sungyoon was so mad all the time, and whether he could dial down the extra training - but Jangjun always responded with the same answer, because he knew from his own experience that it was the truth: it was because Sungyoon cared, and it was for their own good. 

Just like this, the three of them operated like clockwork throughout the years, training, guiding, and gearing up for a debut that seemed so close yet so far. They watched Donghyun grow from a middle schooler who would begrudgingly give them kisses to a high schooler who would scoff and walk away. They saw him through his pubertal voice change, and his subsequent transition from being a main vocalist to a main dancer. They performed a few times on stage with their seniors Infinite, and longed for a time where they could perform their own songs. They saw more trainees come in, and yet more trainees leave. 

It was hard, but it was bearable as long as they were together.

Along the way, Sungyoon became Jangjun’s weakness for different reasons. Because their room was always just the two of them, they got extremely comfortable with each other. In particular, Sungyoon developed a habit of sleeping on Jangjun’s bed rather than his own, because he was too lazy to climb onto the upper bunk after a long day. 

Most times, Jangjun would just sleep on Sungyoon’s bed instead - but he decided to put his foot down that night before Sungyoon claimed his bunk forever.

Up close, Jangjun remembered why he always gave up on waking Sungyoon. His sleeping face just looked so peaceful, and the way he wrinkled his nose after a snore made Jangjun’s insides clench. 

But no, he can’t give in to him any longer. So Jangjun raised his hand and, after taking a deep breath, nudged Sungyoon’s shoulder.

“Hyung,” Jangjun whispered. Nudge, nudge.

Snore.

“Hyung,” Jangjun said louder. Shake, shake.

Snore.

“Hyung!” Jangjun barked.

Sungyoon turned his head in Jangjun’s general direction, eyes opening slightly, gaze unfocused. 

“Huh?”

“Hyung, go sleep in your own bed.”

Damn it, Sungyoon’s eyes were closing again. His eyelids fluttered back down, his eyelashes casting a small shadow against his round cheeks.

“Sleep in your own bed. Sungyoon hyung.” Jangjun tried to sound resolute, but Sungyoon wasn’t helping at all with his cute face and pretty lashes. 

“Have you…” Sungyoon mumbled with his eyes closed.

“Have I…?” 

“Have you eaten?”

“What?” Jangjun couldn’t stop himself from laughing, “it’s midnight now. We had dinner earlier together, remember?” 

Sungyoon seemed to properly awaken at Jangjun’s laughter. He pushed himself off the bed and rubbed his eyes, “shit, sorry, I didn’t mean to sleep here again.”

Jangjun couldn’t help but notice how small Sungyoon looked and sounded, the sleep still lingering in his droopy eyes and soft voice. “It’s okay. You wanna switch beds permanently? That might be easier for you.” Damn, that came out before he thought it through. He liked his lower bunk, but apparently he liked Sungyoon more.

“Oh! No, I like my bed,” Sungyoon said.

“Are you sure? You seem to sleep on mine more than yours.”

“No, no, I’m sorry,” Sungyoon scrambled off Jangjun’s bed, as if to make a point. “I like mine.” Wait, was his face turning red? Before Jangjun could have a second look, Sungyoon turned off the lights.

“If you say so, hyung,” Jangjun said slowly, climbing into his bed and feeling the warm dent left by Sungyoon. 

He heard and felt Sungyoon climb up the ladder and into his own bunk. 

“Good night, Jangjunnie,” Sungyoon said softly from above.

“Good night, hyung,” he said into the dark. 

Jangjun would never admit this, but he has dreamt of Sungyoon’s sleepy nose scrunches ever since.

2015

The start of 2015 was the coldest and longest winter of Jangjun’s life.

It happened all of a sudden. One misstep, and Jangjun’s world crumbled down along with his body. He barely remembered what transpired - just a sharp, piercing pain in his right leg, him collapsing onto the floor, and people crowding about him, some yelling, some whispering. He felt hands scooping him up, and then a tough canvas material below him - was that a stretcher?

The pain in his leg was overwhelming everything else, and he couldn’t tell his five senses apart anymore. It felt like a fever dream of sounds, colours, sensations, flashes from the past, snippets of the present, illusions of the future… 

The next thing he knew, he was in the hospital. He slowly blinked his eyes open and registered all the blinking machines about him, before he noticed that he couldn’t feel his legs. He looked down and saw that his right leg was in a cast. 

“You’re awake?” 

Jangjun didn’t even know there was someone else in the room. He started turning towards the voice, but realised he didn’t have to because he already recognised it. “Hyung?”

“Yeah, I’m here. Sorry.” Jangjun heard the sound of chair legs dragging across the floor before Sungyoon appeared in his line of sight, at the foot of his bed. “They let me in because your family’s still on the way.”

“How bad is it?”

Sungyoon shrugged. It struck Jangjun that he hadn’t seen Sungyoon look that tired since last month, when they received news that they might finally, finally be debuting. “I don’t know. I think the doctor is still talking to our director. He was operating on you for hours.” 

“Where are the others?” 

“They’re outside, but the nurse said only one person at a time. Do you want anyone else to come in?”

The truth was, he didn’t. Jangjun hated looking vulnerable in front of others, and he knew that Sungyoon knew that. Of all the years that they’ve trained together, Sungyoon was the only one who has seen him cry. And he’d like it to stay that way. 

“No. You can tell them I feel fine though. Thank you all for coming.”

“You know you don’t have to thank us. We’re all really worried for you. I was so scared -” Sungyoon sounded like he was about to say something else, before he shook his head and shrank back into the chair, looking smaller than ever. 

“I’m so sorry. I… I hope this doesn’t affect you guys,” Jangjun said.

Sungyoon straightened up, frowning, “don’t apologise. It’s not your fault at all. Just focus on recovering.”

“If I had been more careful -”

“Stop,” Sungyoon said fiercely, shutting Jangjun up. “No one can ever predict or control these things. You were just trying your best while training.”

Jangjun stayed silent for a minute, carefully thinking his next question through so he wouldn’t upset Sungyoon or himself. But he was sure that Sungyoon was already thinking about it, too.

“Did the director say anything about… our debut?”

Pain visibly flashed across Sungyoon’s face. “Not yet.” 

He looked so frustrated and fragile that Jangjun was afraid he’d break him with his words, so he allowed silence to overwhelm them again.

“Look…” Sungyoon said after a long while, “we don’t know how serious your injury is yet. Even if it’s serious, our debut can always be pushed back.” 

He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “It’ll be fine. We’ll debut together. It’ll be fine.”

At this point, Jangjun didn’t know if Sungyoon was talking to Jangjun or himself anymore.

It turned out that Jangjun’s injury was serious. So serious, in fact, that he might have to leave the company.

When he heard this from the director, he almost couldn’t believe it. He took a full minute to digest the words and turn them around repeatedly in his head until he got nauseous. He put his head back down against the pillow and shut his eyes, because he couldn’t stand looking at anything anymore. Everything made him sick.

“Jangjun,” his mom said gently. “We know you’ve worked very hard all these years, but for our sake and for your own, you can’t continue like this.”

But he didn’t work just for himself and his family, he also worked for his fellow trainees, for Sungyoon, Daeyeol, Donghyun -

“You’ve been an amazing trainee, Jangjun,” the director said.

Then let him stay, let him debut - 

“Our doors will always be open for you when you get better,” the director continued. “But for now, the doctor is adamant that you rest. And your well-being is our priority. You need to go home and rest with your family so you can recover quickly.”

Jangjun had to focus on his breathing for a few minutes to be sure that his voice wouldn’t crack and that he wouldn’t vomit. 

“For how long?”

“For a few months at least.”

“Can I still debut?” 

He immediately regretted asking it. Maybe if he didn’t ask, it wouldn’t be confirmed. If it couldn’t be confirmed, then surely it wasn’t real.

The director paused for a long while. 

“The thing is, the doctor said that there’s a chance your leg might not get back to normal. And you know that the debut is just around the corner, and the others have been waiting for years. ”

Jangjun knew that, of course he knew. He couldn’t ruin it for his friends, and he wouldn’t. He’d just wanted to be able to perform with them, and no one else. 

Damn it, he was crying now. He immediately felt his mom’s hand stroking his hair and his dad’s rough ones wiping his tears away.

The director hurriedly said, “if you get better, then you’d of course be welcomed back with open arms. We just can’t take the risk right now, with the schedule being so tight…”

“Jangjun, we all mean well for you,” his mom said, “you can still use this body for other things. You’re my capable son and I know you’ll get through this.”

Yeah, but it’s three years of training down the drain. Three years of toiling, waiting and imagining. Three years of dreaming about, hanging on and pushing through. Three years of hardship, kinship and friendship. 

Everything gone in just one careless moment.

He didn’t open his eyes until the next morning, willing it all to be a bad dream. But reality wasn’t so kind.

About a week later, he was deemed well enough to be discharged from the hospital. The other trainees had visited him before that, but no one brought up the elephant in the room. In fact, Jangjun wasn’t even sure whether the director had told them that he was leaving - but he could hazard a guess from some of the despondent and pitying looks on their faces.

Sungyoon in particular had been acting extremely strange. 

The two of them could usually talk about anything under the sun, but lately he would fixate on the most insignificant topics, like the weather, hospital food, or the cute cat he saw at the carpark. He avoided discussing anything remotely related to their company, training or debut, which was fine by Jangjun because that was what he wanted as well. 

Sungyoon also looked like he was permanently in pain when he was around Jangjun - as if he smelled something nasty or remembered something he wanted to forget. It was as if there was an invisible barrier between the two of them, both physically and emotionally. 

It wasn’t until Jangjun was back at their dorm to collect his things that Sungyoon finally lost that pained look on his face - and what replaced it was a look of utter misery, bitterness and resignation.

“Remember when we first met, and you said you’d tell me in advance if you were leaving?” 

Jangjun’s jaw dropped. It was the first time Sungyoon acknowledged that he was going to be leaving. He supposed there was no other way, now that he was emptying the sock drawer that they filled together on his first day.

Sungyoon looked away, his jaw clenching and unclenching, “sorry. That was uncalled for. I’m being unfair.”

“No, I remember. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. It’s me being stupid,” Sungyoon sighed deeply. “I… I just thought we’d debut together. After so many years, after everyone else who’d left… You were always here, and I just thought -” his voice cracked, and Jangjun realised with a start that his eyes were shining with tears.

With that, Jangjun’s heart sunk.

It definitely wasn’t his first time seeing Sungyoon cry. He’d tried not to look when Sungyoon turned away while talking about his hometown. He’d pretended not to hear when Sungyoon sniffled under the blanket with his phone alight with texts from his parents. He’d rubbed Sungyoon’s shoulders when they received news of their closer trainee friends leaving. 

He’d stayed up with Sungyoon talking about their lack of confidence and self-esteem, nights which often ended in frustrated tears and promises to work harder. He’d spent breaks with Sungyoon watching the funniest of varieties and saddest of movies, laughing until they cried and crying until they laughed. 

But it was the first time that Sungyoon was crying because of him, and he hated it more than he could ever imagine. His heart, somewhere at the bottom of his stomach, clenched to the point where it almost physically hurt. He reached out and gathered Sungyoon with his free arm, feeling him shake with the effort to contain more tears. 

They usually weren’t a touchy pair, sharing mostly friendly pats on the back and quick hugs; but this time, Sungyoon let himself melt into Jangjun’s shoulder as he finally released the waterworks.

Jangjun wasn’t sure how long they stood there like this, Sungyoon crying into his shoulder and trembling against his chest, leaning in yet trying not to put weight on Jangjun’s injured leg. Their arms encircled each other tightly, as if their hands could channel the stability, comfort and reassurance that each of them needed. 

It was simultaneously the longest and shortest hug of Jangjun’s life, imparting equal amounts of warmth and heartbreak. He thought about how it was the first time he held Sungyoon like this, and possibly the last.

Being home in Hwaseong was usually heaven for Jangjun. It was his much-needed repose after months of jam-packed training, messing around with fellow trainees and jostling about in the bustling city of Seoul. It was his getaway from responsibilities and schedules, to family and free time. 

But being in Hwaseong and knowing that he might never go back to train again - that was like a personal hell. It didn’t help that he was supposed to be resting all the time. His ban from exercising only reminded him of the times he and Sungyoon would wake up at dawn to jog around the neighbourhood, before they rewarded themselves with a delicious brunch from the nearby family restaurants or convenience stores. That in turn reminded him of the year they had high school together, falling asleep on each other’s shoulders on their way to and from school, before they dropped by the same convenience stores for a quick bite before training.

Alone in his room, Jangjun was also reminded of the times Sungyoon would peek down from the upper bunk to ask him to play games, go out for an evening walk or just to chat. Of the times Sungyoon would snore after a particularly tiring schedule, be it in Jangjun’s bed or his own. Of the times they’d share their troubles and worries, hopes and dreams… 

But that didn’t apply to him anymore, Jangjun thought bitterly. He couldn’t be part of the future they’d talked so much about, all because of his stupid leg. And now he was stuck at home, with nothing better to do than to think of his lost dreams and think of Sungyoon…

His phone buzzed with a notification. He picked it up blearily, numb to whatever was on the screen. It’s been two months since he returned home, and his phone was constantly buzzing with old friends asking to meet now that he was back, or trainees and schoolmates from Seoul saying that they missed him. He always thanked them and reassured them that he was fine, but that he'd prefer to see them after he got better. He knew it wasn't like himself to turn down an opportunity to meet people, but he honestly hadn't felt like himself ever since he returned to Hwaseong.

His eyes focused on the text in his phone. It was Sungyoon.

i dont think i can do it without u, the message said.

That made Jangjun sit up straight. He rubbed his eyes, double- and triple-checking to see if he read the message correctly. 

Choi Sungyoon never, ever, talked about giving up. In fact, he used to gently chide them whenever they joked about it. "Words have power," he would say, "the more you say it, the more you believe it. So don't say it, because I know you want this. You've worked so hard and so long for it. Don't downplay your own efforts by treating it like a joke."

Jangjun's hands were trembling when he typed his response: what happened? 

im jst so tired, was the reply. 

Jangjun hurriedly typed back: u free now? 

yeah. 

Jangjun immediately pulled up his keypad and called Sungyoon. 

"Hyung?" Jangjun said, subconsciously holding his breath. It's been two months since he last heard Sungyoon's voice, and he didn't know if he was nervous because of the worrying messages or because he’d been waiting for this for so long. He had always wanted to call to check up on Sungyoon, but didn’t want to bother him too much, especially with how busy and tiring training could get. Perhaps more than that, Jangjun refrained from calling because he knew that hearing Sungyoon’s voice would make him miss Sungyoon more. 

"Jangjun-ah," Sungyoon said, sounding the same but softer and more tired. His voice was muffled, and Jangjun pictured him covering his face like he always did whenever he was stressed. It’s been two months since Jangjun distanced himself from trainee life, but he longed to be there beside Sungyoon more than ever.

“Care to tell me what happened?”

“Well…” 

Apparently a lot happened after Jangjun left. 

They gained two new trainees, Jaeseok and Youngtaek, who had debuted before in a Japanese group called I.D. before it was shortly disbanded. They returned to Korea and joined another company before joining Woollim Entertainment, and trained with them for a short while before -  

“Youngtaek disappeared yesterday. He didn’t tell anyone anything, just packed his bags up and left in the middle of the night. We tried everything we could to reach him, but today his mom called the director saying that he wouldn’t be coming back anymore. 

“And… and I can’t help but feel like I made him do this. The day before he left, I told him that I could tell he wasn’t trying hard enough. I said I was disappointed because I’d expected more from somebody who’d debuted before. I told him to think hard about whether he wanted this, because if he kept slacking off he’d drag everyone else down.

“I know I was being too harsh, and I wanted to apologise afterwards, but…” Sungyoon sighed, sounding extremely dejected, “it’s too late now. We lost a gem because of me. He was such a sweet boy too, kind and respectful, just a little unmotivated -”

“Hyung,” Jangjun said gently, “did he ever say he left because of you?”

“No, but isn’t it obvious? He literally upped and left that night.”

“Think about it this way. You probably made him think hard about whether he wanted this, and him leaving was a sign that he didn’t. If he’d stayed without going through this thought process, his heart wouldn’t be in it at all; in that case, he’d be doing both himself and you guys a disservice by doing something he didn’t enjoy or care about. But if he does want it, he’d probably come to his senses and go back soon. I’m sure our directors wouldn’t mind taking him back.”

There was a long pause. This time Jangjun pictured Sungyoon gnawing on his lips, a habit he had when he was thinking hard. 

“Yeah, you’re right. I just can’t help but think that this wouldn’t have happened if you were here to lighten the mood. I know you two would’ve gotten along. He’s a rapper and loves goofing around, too.”

“If we both go back, that is.” It took all of Jangjun’s willpower to make that sound like a joke.

“It’s always a possibility,” Sungyoon said resolutely. “How’s your leg healing?”

“It’s… it’s alright. I can walk without crutches now, and maybe jog a little, but I probably won’t be able to dance again.” Jangjun winced after he said that, hearing the hopelessness in his own voice. 

“Jangjun,” Sungyoon said slowly, “I hope you haven’t given up. I don’t just mean for debut, but… for everything.” 

Jangjun stayed silent, because that hit too close to home. He didn’t even know what he did the past two months, besides pity himself and cry over spilled milk.

“Jangjun.” Sungyoon said again. “You… you’re one of the most incredible people I’ve met in my life. And I’m not just saying this because you’re my friend. You really are one-of-a-kind, and the energy you have is literally unmatched. Everyone who knows you can agree.

“I would hate to see you lose all of this over an injury, because I know you’re stronger than this. You’re Lee Jangjun, for God’s sake! You’re a Taekwondo black belt, and you can run almost as fast as me. You can’t let this knock you down. I won’t let it.”

Jangjun’s heart swelled. Sungyoon has complimented him before, of course, both in passing and during their deep talks, but this was different: to know that he was that special to Sungyoon - one of the most incredible people Jangjun has met - even months after they were apart, made him snap out of his self-pitying state. 

Sungyoon’s right, he’s Lee Jangjun, and he’s so much better than this. He had to get his act together if he ever wanted to reach his full potential, and he knew he could. And he would, starting today. 

“You’re right, hyung,” Jangjun said, breaking into his first genuine smile in months. “Thank you.” 

And he meant it from the bottom of his heart.

It took several more months of physiotherapy and easing into simple dances to reach that stage, but Jangjun finally did it. He was back at Woollim Entertainment. 

It seemed almost poetic that it was winter again, the season he got hurt being the season he healed. Snowflakes swirled sparsely around him as he stood before the doors of the company, shivering not from the cold but from excitement. He savoured the appearance of his surroundings - the Woollim building he spent most of his youth at, the convenience store he frequented with the other trainees, the bibimbap store with the kindest owners. 

He was finally back to reclaim his memories and dreams.

With a heart overflowing with joy and a smile so wide it hurt his cheeks, Jangjun burst into the practice room in typical Jangjun fashion. When the trainees inside realised who it was, they yelled even louder than he did (which was quite the feat) and engulfed him in the sweatiest and sweetest hug ever. 

They hugged for minutes, a sea of arms and smiling faces all about Jangjun, everyone celebrating and welcoming him back at the top of their lungs. He looked around and found Sungyoon’s face in the outer perimeter of the hug, beaming his big bunny smile at Jangjun, his eyes crinkling beautifully in delight.  

It was at that moment that Jangjun realised, with his heart skipping a beat and the others fading into the background - that Sungyoon was both his weakness and his strength.

2017

It wasn’t all smooth-sailing after Jangjun returned; in fact, their debut was delayed for much longer than expected. In between, they lost a few more old trainees: Haejoon, Minseok, Yoonsung, Boseung and Minjoong. But they gained new ones, too. For them, Daeyeol, Sungyoon, Jangjun and Donghyun resumed their usual routine of guiding them through training in their different capacities. Donghyun was especially enthusiastic last year, when the addition of three same-aged trainees and Bomin meant that he was finally not the baby of the company.

Eventually, it was confirmed that eleven of them would be debuting. 

First, Daeyeol, the ever-dependable and indispensable leader who had been there for all of them since the beginning of time. No one was surprised when he was bestowed the position, given that he led in all possible aspects including dance, vocals and height.

Sungyoon, the official second-in-age and unofficial second-in-command, was to be the main vocalist of the group. Jangjun knew that Sungyoon was actually very apprehensive about his role, having vented to him late at night about how he could not possibly fill out their seniors’ shoes. But Jangjun always knew and assured Sungyoon that he would, if not with his amazing voice then definitely with his stage presence. 

Jaeseok, the visual who was good at cooking and nagging, fitting his stereotypical “mom” role like a glove. He had naturally gotten close to the same-aged Sungyoon, much to Jangjun’s chagrin - but he was impossible to dislike with his puppy smile, gentle nature and culinary skills.

Jangjun, the one and only rapper, comedian and proud face of their debut song Damdadi - or at least that was what he told his family and friends. Secretly, he’d shared with Sungyoon that he wasn’t sure if he was the one who should be opening and closing the song. What if he panicked and fumbled? What if he wasn’t captivating enough? Wouldn’t it be better if they had picked the visual members instead? But Sungyoon always told him that there was no one better than him to represent their group and song, because he was the quintessence of the vibrance and youthfulness they wanted to convey. Jangjun always had to hide his glee after that.

Youngtaek, who had eventually returned to Woollim and put his heart and soul into training, besting them in rap, dance and foreign languages. Sungyoon was right, he was a sweet boy who complemented Jangjun in both rap and energy levels.

Seungmin, a cute lead vocalist who had fit in perfectly with them despite joining the company only a few months before their debut. He had a voice as sweet and soft as his personality, though they would realise with time that he was funnier and rougher than he let on.

Jaehyun, a vocalist and visual who constantly became the butt of their jokes with his sloth-like mannerisms, but never minded. He was probably the most obedient younger brother of the lot, reacting well (albeit slowly) to their antics and rarely talking back.

Jibeom, a handsome lead vocalist who was another crowd favourite for jokes; he and Jaehyun kept Jangjun busy with his irrepressible need to tease people, which he liked to say was for the purpose of bringing the group closer together. Like Jaehyun, Jibeom was easy-going and extremely kind, bearing the teasing without much complaint.

Donghyun, the boy Jangjun had seen grow and blossom into a capable main dancer, but who would always remain his baby son. Donghyun had only just learnt how to stop gagging at this nickname… in front of the camera. But Jangjun will teach him better. 

Joochan, the main vocalist with a beautiful voice and countless talents, who was as comedic and sociable as Jangjun was. He also shared his birthday and position with Sungyoon, which brought the two closer together over time.

Finally, Bomin, the visual and youngest of the group who melted hearts with his glowing smile and understated wit. Jangjun was sure that he’d be huge in the future - but for now, he and Donghyun were his babies.

Ever since the announcement, life has been a happy blur for Jangjun: they started recording for their album, practising new choreographies and getting to know each other as members rather than trainees. Every day was fresh and exciting for him, filled with new information and experiences that could only come with debuting. 

He remembered laughing for hours after he learned from Sungyoon and Youngtaek that their stage names were going to be Y and TAG, and sobering up when the executives announced that their group name was going to be “Golden Child”. He remembered signing the monumental seven-year contract with the other ten of them, before commemorating it with the purchase of their team ring. He remembered being told that they were going to film a variety show in the summer, and to start preparing self-introductions and unique skills. 

Perhaps it was to be expected, but Jangjun and Sungyoon’s friendship was put on hold. As two of the oldest and most experienced members in the group, they were encouraged to spend more time with the rest and keep them in check for the upcoming debut. It wasn't all that different from what they were doing previously, except it also was. 

For one, Sungyoon's walls had collapsed dramatically, unveiling to the newer members his playful and mellow side that used to be exclusively for the older trainees. 

"I never knew Sungyoon hyung could be so fun," a bewildered Joochan had confessed to Jangjun. 

"Sungyoon hyung was always a cutie softie," Youngtaek had piped up, grinning. Ever the sweetest boy, Youngtaek never bore a grudge against Sungyoon for his numerous scoldings; in fact, it seemed to have built his respect for the elder more. 

Now, Jangjun wasn't jealous, he really wasn't. He was glad that Sungyoon could finally be himself, unguarded and less affected by the fear that his members might leave him like some trainees (including Jangjun) did. But he was a little sad that their inside jokes, late night conversations and telepathic moments might be diluted amongst the rest - and he was right, especially after they moved from their trainee dorm to the group one. 

The move was an upgrade in all aspects besides the most significant one: Jangjun and Sungyoon were no longer roommates. To "facilitate team bonding", as the directors liked to call it, Daeyeol, Sungyoon, Jangjun and Donghyun (known affectionately by the rest as the “Ammonites” for their long history in Woollim) were deliberately separated and allocated to different rooms.

"It'll be so weird, rooming with someone else," Sungyoon said on their last night together. 

Jangjun nodded, "it'll be weird not having someone steal my bed every night." 

"Hey!" Sungyoon exclaimed, "it's not every night. I only do it when I'm tired." 

"Which is nearly every night."

"Well… That's because I'm always working hard." 

"That you do," Jangjun chuckled. Truth be told, he was going to miss the nightly dilemma of waking Sungyoon up or sleeping in Sungyoon’s bed instead.

"Lucky for you, I'm actually going to sleep in my own bed today," Sungyoon said, climbing up the ladder loudly to make a statement.

He plopped onto his bed before leaning over the barrier to look at Jangjun. "Can you believe we're finally debuting? It's been nearly five years since we started sharing this room together." 

"It feels surreal," Jangjun agreed. 

The two contemplated this in silence for a bit. Everything that they've hoped and toiled for was finally coming true, and it was realer now than ever before. There were of course previous debut announcements that got them excited in the past, but they've learnt to temper their expectations after all the let-downs in the recent two years. 

This time, though, they’d actually signed the contracts, recorded the songs, and packed their stuff up for their new dorm. It was the debut they've all been waiting for. 

Jangjun thought back to the last time they were nearly as close to debuting - to that time when he got injured. Haejoon, Minseok, Yoonsung, Boseung and Minjoong were still here, back then - how would it have been, if they'd debuted without him? 

"You know, I was so scared you couldn't make it that time," Sungyoon said quietly. 

Ah, they were thinking about the same thing again. Jangjun was going to miss this roommate telepathy. 

"I was, too," he admitted. "It was probably the hardest time of my life." 

"I could tell. I wanted to call but didn't, because I didn't know how you'd take it." 

"Your call helped me a lot, actually." 

"You always forget that you were the one who called and helped me first. I was about to go insane missing you and Youngtaek." 

The "and Youngtaek" kind of ruined it, but Jangjun blushed nonetheless. He was glad the upper bunk cast a shadow over his bed, where he was. 

"Eh, you're about to go insane missing me again. Someone else is going to have the privilege of having me as their roommate,” Jangjun said. 

"Since when was noise pollution a privilege?" 

Jangjun swiftly kicked the bottom of Sungyoon’s bunk.

"Ouch! I'm your hyung, watch it!" Sungyoon yelped, but he was laughing. 

"Just go to sleep, hyung. And wake up to the nightmare of life without me." 

The two bickered back and forth a little more, until Jangjun's yawn signalled that it was time to stop. 

For the last time in that room, they bidded each other good night. 

It had been a couple of weeks since they moved dorms, and things have been… different. Tonight was an example of that. 

Half the group was gathered in the living room watching a movie, which had a plot that was entertaining enough for Jangjun to fixate on instead of bothering the rest. He was still relatively invested in the character's plight, until Daeyeol whispered to him, "look at Sungyoon." 

Jangjun followed the direction of his gaze, and almost regretted doing so. 

Sungyoon was sleeping peacefully on the sofa, with his limbs folded into himself like a baby. His shoulders rose and fell slowly with every breath that he took, letting out barely audible sighs every now and then. That typically would've made Jangjun melt, except - 

Sungyoon's head was on Joochan's thigh. 

Sungyoon's head… was on Joochan's thigh. 

Why was it on Joochan's thigh? When did they get to this level of closeness? The last time Jangjun checked, Joochan was still mildly suspicious of Sungyoon's softer side, calling it "Sungyoon hyung having a good day" rather than a permanent part of Sungyoon's personality. Did so much change within the last month of this new living arrangement? Sungyoon has never slept on Jangjun's thigh before.

Why was he even sleeping out here, on the sofa? Was it because his current bed wasn't comfortable enough? It was just ten steps from the living room - surely he could've gone back to his room if he wanted to sleep. Surely that was more comfortable than Joochan's thigh… 

Oblivious to Jangjun's inner turmoil, Joochan was still staring intently at the television. Daeyeol had returned to watching the movie as well, which was quickly approaching its resolution. On the other hand, Jangjun couldn't help but stare at the sleeping Sungyoon. If they were back at their old dorm, Jangjun just knew that Sungyoon would've been sleeping in Jangjun's bed by now. He couldn't recall a time when Sungyoon voluntarily slept in the living room after he was already ready for bed. 

Jangjun didn't even notice when the movie ended. He was only startled out of his staring when Daeyeol yawned from beside him and stretched luxuriously, knocking into Jangjun with his long limbs. "Time for bed, kids," he said.

“Hyung won’t wake up,” Joochan whined, shaking the leg that was under Sungyoon’s head. Apparently Joochan didn’t know how lucky he was, nor how deep of a sleeper Sungyoon was.

"Aww, cute," Daeyeol remarked helpfully, before bidding them good night and ambling off to bed. The rest of tonight's audience followed suit, and Jangjun started getting up to head back to his room as well.

"Hyuuuung, help me wake him up, please," Joochan pleaded, using his puppy eyes on Jangjun. Unfortunately for Joochan, a sleeping Sungyoon was more of Jangjun's weakness than any of the younger members' cute antics. 

“Just let him be, he worked really hard today,” Jangjun said, ignoring the dull ache in his chest. It took every ounce of self-control in his body to look away and head back into his room.

“Wait, hyung, where’re you going? Help me carry him away, please, you’re the only one strong enough.”

Jangjun paused and thought about it for a bit, him carrying Sungyoon away and tucking him into his bed. But he was afraid of just how much he liked the idea. 

As if reaffirming his fears, Sungyoon’s nose scrunched up all cutely, sending a horde of butterflies to his stomach. Yeah, he definitely can’t have a sleepy Sungyoon in his arms. And he can’t bear to wake him up either. Not tonight. 

“Uh, no. Good luck, Joochan.”

“Hyung, wait -”

Jangjun sped off into his room, not looking back. 

Jangjun wasn't jealous, he really wasn't. But he couldn't help but think that maybe this wouldn't have happened if they were back at their old dorm. 

When he walked past the living room next morning, he was shocked to see Joochan and Sungyoon still in the same position on the sofa - except Joochan was quiet this time, sleeping soundly with his head against the back of the sofa and his mouth wide open. One of his arms was splayed carelessly over Sungyoon's body, which remained curled up on his leg, peaceful as ever. 

Jangjun wasn't jealous, he really wasn't. That nasty feeling in his gut was simply because he hasn’t had his breakfast yet. 

More months passed, and they were now unofficially debuted by virtue of their first variety show, Woollimpick. Like other parts of the debut process, it was both exhilarating and overwhelming. It was difficult getting used to the cameras and getting over the awkwardness of monitoring themselves, but they gradually adapted while helping each other through the process. 

One of the later episodes involved them travelling to Jeju Island to complete several missions and film a music video, and everyone was looking forward to their first trip together. For some of them, it would even be their first trip ever out of the Korean peninsula. 

Jangjun wasn't a stranger to flying, but he knew Sungyoon was. In fact, anyone at the airport could probably tell that it was Sungyoon's first time - he was practically bouncing off the walls with his nervousness and excitement, passport clutched tightly in his hand as if he might lose it any second. 

"Hyung, chill, it's really not that scary," Jangjun said, suppressing a smile. 

"You keep saying that, but we're gonna be so high up in the air!" 

"How is that different from the extreme sports you love doing so much?"

"We'll be so high we can't even breathe, Jangjun, that's different. We'll be up in the clouds," Sungyoon said, his voice tinged with wonder. 

“Can’t breathe?” Jangjun laughed, “you can’t possibly think that we won’t get oxygen in the plane?”

Sungyoon glared at him. “I’m not stupid. I’m just saying the logistics of it is kind of weird, so it’s natural to be nervous.”

“It is, but I’m telling you you don’t have to be. And you can put your passport away, hyung, you won’t need that anymore until we reach Jeju. Just take out your boarding ticket.”

They had to separate after they boarded the plane, Jangjun being assigned a seat beside Youngtaek while Sungyoon was assigned to one diagonally behind them. 

When they were taking off, Jangjun couldn’t help but turn around periodically to look at Sungyoon, who was practically plastered to the plane window. Jangjun could only see the back of his head, but even that was enough to allow him to vicariously experience Sungyoon’s joy and excitement. Occasionally, he could even overhear Sungyoon’s hushed exclamations of “wow” and "look at that!"

“Why do you keep turning back?” Youngtaek asked, rudely interrupting Jangjun’s admiration of Sungyoon’s admiration of the view.

Oops. Jangjun had forgotten all about being discreet. “Nothing.”

Youngtaek cocked his head, studying Jangjun’s face suspiciously. Then he turned his head back too, imitating the direction that Jangjun had been looking at the past few minutes.

Then he turned back with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. 

“What?” Jangjun demanded, feeling his face heat up.

“Nothing,” Youngtaek replied, smiling widely like there was obviously something. 

“You’re so weird,” Jangjun retorted, because teasing was his coping mechanism for a lot of things.

“Mm, okay, hyung,” Youngtaek said with a placating tone, the grin still on his face. 

Jangjun shook his head and turned back to the front, fiddling with the in-flight magazines to avoid eye contact with Youngtaek. That boy was up to no good, he thought.

“You won't have to strain your neck if you just sat next to him next time,” Youngtaek said smugly from beside him.

Jangjun didn’t even have to answer - his bright red ears spoke on his behalf.

Joke’s on Youngtaek, because Jangjun did get to ride the bus and room with Sungyoon in Jeju. 

He swore it wasn’t planned; in fact, Sungyoon was the one who voluntarily sat next to him on the bus and suggested that they room together again "for old times’ sake". How could Jangjun say no? 

Youngtaek was right, though. Throughout the bus ride, Jangjun didn’t have to strain his neck at all. A still-excited Sungyoon had spent most of the time leaning across Jangjun’s seat to peer out the window, staring intently at the passing scenery as if he was committing the whole bus ride to memory. 

It reminded Jangjun of that year when they had high school together, the two of them barely waking up at the crack of dawn to catch the bus to school, stumbling to the back row before promptly falling asleep on each other’s shoulders. He remembered kind strangers waking them up at their stop, and them mustering the energy and willpower to drag themselves to school, pursuing an education that was frankly quite meaningless in their chosen careers. 

And now they’re on a bus in Jeju, on their way to film the show that would kick start their careers. That thought - and Sungyoon's presence next to him - filled Jangjun with comfort and contentment for the entire journey. 

The rest of the day went by in a blur, filled with missions and filming. By the time they got back at the hotel, they were all sweaty and exhausted, ready to wash up and turn in for the night. 

Between Jangjun and Sungyoon, the latter had earned the privilege of showering first through an intense round of rock-paper-scissors. He’d rubbed it in Jangjun’s face by singing obnoxiously in the shower and sniggering when his voice cracked or when he went off-key.

“Thank you for the noise pollution,” Jangjun deadpanned when Sungyoon finally emerged from the bathroom, cheeks flushed and hair mussed. 

“Watch me steal your center position for Damdadi,” Sungyoon grinned. 

“Fat chance. It’s my turn to show you what I’ve got.” 

Jangjun duly delivered on his promise, soloing their unreleased debut song from start to end, a flawless eleven-in-one performance that would’ve made his vocal and rap instructors proud. He returned from his shower to see Sungyoon in the bottom bunk, looking like he belonged there with his phone and face mask on.

"Where was all this energy during our trainee evaluations?" Sungyoon asked rhetorically, not looking up from his phone. 

Jangjun ignored him and asked, trying but failing to sound exasperated, “why’re you invading my bed again?” 

“To help you bring back old memories! Also, I got you a gift to make up for it.”

“Really? Finally, after five years of me climbing up the ladder in your place?” 

“Yes!” Sungyoon said cheerily, before throwing a single sheet of face mask at him.

Jangjun caught it with his quick reflexes. “Wait, that’s it?”

“Hey, I never made you pay me back for all the ice cream and cup ramyeon.” 

“Fine, fine,” Jangjun shook his head, before ripping open the packaging and applying the face mask onto his face. “Are we going to be filming like this?”

“Sure,” Sungyoon giggled, before patting the spot next to him, “get the camera.”

Jangjun silently thanked the mask for covering his blush up when he climbed into bed, taking his position beside Sungyoon. 

“Why’re you so far away? We need to fit in the frame,” Sungyoon whined, worming closer to Jangjun until their shoulders touched. 

To prevent Sungyoon from feeling how fast his heart was beating, Jangjun repositioned himself so that his upper body was on top of Sungyoon’s instead. He turned on the camera and they did some silly lip syncing bits, reenacting their late night karaoke sessions back at the old dorm. Then they started talking about random topics to fill up the allocated screen time.  

“People say I’m like a rabbit,” Sungyoon said. 

“A rabbit?” Jangjun repeated. To be honest, he was having a hard time processing anything Sungyoon was saying because his head was on Jangjun's shoulder. Take that, Joochan!

“Yeah, what d’you think?”

Again, teasing was Jangjun’s defence mechanism. “Did they mean a wild and aggressive rabbit?”

“Aggressive? People said I’m cute,” Sungyoon protested.

Jangjun gulped, because he is people. “Have people called you cute to your face, though?” 

Sungyoon contemplated this, unaware of the fact that people frequently call him cute behind his face. “Me?” 

“Never, right?”

“Well…” he fell silent.

Crap, was Sungyoon questioning his cuteness right now? Jangjun knew that despite Sungyoon’s cold and confident appearance, he was actually prone to insecurity, often underestimating his own abilities and worrying about what others thought of him. He’d even shared with Jangjun before that he wanted to provide strength and warmth to people, but was afraid that his tough exterior would scare them off. 

Worried that Sungyoon was worrying himself about these things again, Jangjun blurted - “I’m calling you cute to your face right now, though.”

Pause. “W-what?”

“You’re cute. A cute rabbit,” Jangjun said, once again thankful that the mask was shielding his blush.

“I - thanks…” Sungyoon said in a small voice. 

If Jangjun had been less nervous, he would’ve felt Sungyoon’s heart thundering against his arm. 

“It’s because of the buck teeth,” Sungyoon continued, regaining his composure and showing his teeth to the camera.

Both of them heaved a sigh of relief when that part of the conversation was edited out of the episode later. 

2018

This was a difficult year to place in Jangjun’s life. He’d expected everything to be smooth-sailing after their debut - after all, the hardest part was over, wasn’t it? They’d trained to the point where non-fans thought their debut was a comeback, performed to unprecedented levels of exhaustion, and promoted themselves to anyone who’d listen. They'd done well for a group that didn’t come from a survival show, and it seemed like they were en route to becoming the “Golden Child” that the CEO envisioned. 

However, winter once again brought challenges into Jangjun’s life. In January, while the eleven of them were still reeling from their debut and familiarising themselves with idol life, they suddenly became ten. Jaeseok, one of their indispensable pillars of support - the original member of the original hyung trinity - left the group. 

Nobody blamed him, of course; he had genuine reasons for leaving, and they all wanted the best for him. But it was difficult bouncing back from his departure. He was, after all, one of the most popular members - both with fans and with the members. With his kind demeanour, he’d been a comfort and confidante to many of them; his cooking experiments were also a source of joy and excitement for them after a tiring day of schedules.

Everyone took it hard, but Daeyeol, Sungyoon and Youngtaek probably had it the hardest. Daeyeol blamed himself for not keeping the group whole as a leader, despite the fact that he had absolutely no say in this matter. Sungyoon retreated back into himself, conflicted, sad and betrayed by the fact that people could still leave after debut. Youngtaek cried and brooded the most out of all of them, having lost a hyung who’d been there for him since he was a teenager, young and clueless in Japan.

They didn’t have time to lament, however - they had a comeback the very next month, and were immediately preoccupied with the filming of their music video and other promotional materials. The only good thing that came out of this was that the members were re-sorted into different rooms, resulting in Jangjun’s fated reunion with Sungyoon (in truth, Jangjun had bribed Jaehyun to lose to him in rock-paper-scissors).

The two of them, together with Seungmin, lived well together. They were a perfect balance of extroverted and introverted, easygoing and organised, playful and serious. Whenever they had time, they’d head out to play games or exercise with the other members, or stay in and have heart-to-heart talks over drinks. 

However, they hardly had time that year, with three back-to-back comebacks and other variety appearances. Idol Star Athletics Championships was particularly memorable - Jangjun remembered training hard for the various events with the other members, and rejoicing with them when they sweeped dozens of medals. He remembered sprinting alongside Sungyoon, the two of them way ahead of everyone else, just like in their trainee days. 

He ended up finishing second in the 60-meter race, and Sungyoon first. And with the both of them in the 400-meter relay, how could they ever lose? 

To nobody’s surprise, they did win the relay. When Sungyoon ran victoriously past the finish line, the members closed in on him from all directions, embracing each other in a tight and messy group hug. They were all grinning from ear-to-ear, forgetting for a moment that there were hundreds of people and tens of cameras watching them. In that moment, Jangjun allowed himself to imagine that they were celebrating a music show win instead. 

Rooming together again meant that Jangjun’s weakness for Sungyoon was back in full force. One fine night after another exhausting day of practice, Jangjun spotted a familiar figure in his bed again. He sighed and walked closer to wake him up, but stopped at the sight that greeted him.

Sungyoon was lying in Jangjun’s bed as usual, his head propped up at an awkward angle against the wall and pillow. But this time, there was an ice cream stick sticking out from his mouth, wedged between his lower lip and front teeth, while he slept soundly. Jangjun identified the stick as a remnant of the Melona popsicle that Sungyoon was eating earlier.

Jangjun was torn between laughing at how cutely ridiculous Sungyoon was and melting at how ridiculously cute he looked. Who falls asleep with an ice cream stick in their mouth? Was he so tired that he couldn’t throw it away first? Jangjun couldn’t help but take a couple of photos on his phone first, smiling at the scene.

“Hyung!” Joochan burst into their room without knocking, waving around a jar in his hand, “can you -”

Jangjun shushed him instantly, pocketing his phone and gingerly removing the Melona stick from Sungyoon’s mouth.

“No way,” Joochan whispered, wide-eyed, “was that in his mouth while he slept?”

Jangjun nodded, watching as Joochan paused for a moment before he burst out laughing. Concerned that Joochan’s guffaws might wake Sungyoon, Jangjun dragged him out into the living room.

After minutes of squealing and laughing, Joochan finally calmed down and asked, “did you manage to get a picture?” 

“Yeah…” 

“Send it to me! Send it to the group!” Joochan chirped with a manic sparkle in his eyes.

A little annoyed that he had to share this cute Sungyoon moment with others, Jangjun reluctantly took out his phone and showed Joochan the photos. “I’ll upload them on the chat later,” he grunted.

“Aww, isn’t he the cutest?” Joochan cooed, using his index finger to scroll between the photos back and forth on Jangjun’s screen. “Youngtaek’s right, Sungyoon hyung’s just a cute wittle bunny!”

“I’m a what,” Sungyoon deadpanned. The two of them looked up to see him emerging from the room while rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

Joochan beamed at Sungyoon, unfazed, “a cute wittle bunny you are!” It seemed like Joochan was completely cured of his Sungyoonphobia now.

“Do you want to get beat up?” Sungyoon asked, the efficacy of that threat reduced by his yawn. 

“No,” Joochan declined brightly. “Speaking of which, could you help me open this?” He extended the jar in his hand to Sungyoon, who instinctively obliged. 

“How’d you wake up?” Jangjun asked as Sungyoon unscrewed the lid and handed the jar back to Joochan.

“Joochan’s laughter gave me nightmares,” he shuddered. “What’re you doing with jam at this time, anyway?” he asked Joochan. 

“It's for a science experiment.” 

“To prove what? How much you can eat before the manager catches you?” Jangjun asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Aren’t you supposed to be on a diet -” Sungyoon started, but Joochan had already sped off with his jar and a rushed “g’night”. 

Sungyoon shrugged, knowing that it was impossible to come in between Joochan and food. “What were you guys laughing about?”

“Nothing,” Jangjun grinned. “You’ll see on the chat later.”

In December, Joochan unexpectedly suffered an injury in his knee ligament while they were practising. It was almost as if 2015 was repeating itself: another winter, another leg injury. Jangjun immediately sympathised with Joochan, knowing how hard it was to put life on hold while everyone else moved literally and metaphorically forward. It was probably even harder for the latter, who felt responsible for the group’s break in practising and promoting.

Everyone reassured Joochan that it was not his fault at all, but the dark cloud over his countenance never went away. It was difficult seeing him like this - the second youngest who was always so cheerful and full of life, retracting into himself like a kicked puppy. Just before the injury, he was constantly chattering and clinging to the other members like the bubbly extrovert that he was. After it, however, he was silent more often than not and kept a distance between himself and everyone else. Not even Donghyun's attempts at provocation could rouse him to raise his voice.

2018 ended like this, another stumbling block on their golden path.

2019

It was hard starting the year with no clear agenda. Joochan's injury was undoubtedly a huge blow to the team; without their main vocalist, they couldn’t perform as a whole for at least the first half of the year. The company executives were also extremely evasive whenever they were asked about a comeback. 2019 was nearly antithetical to 2018 in terms of their lack of schedules and availability of time.

It started off as a breath of fresh air - the members finally had time to visit their family and friends, hang out with each other and accompany Joochan at the hospital. But the weeks of freedom grew into months, and the absence of plans became concerning, to say the least. Everyone started becoming impatient, including the fans - as time went on, it became evident that the fandom was shrinking, with many fans leaving for freshly debuted or rising groups. Groups that were more active than they were. 

Their idleness, coupled with their pent-up frustration, led to increasingly frequent and intense drinking sessions at the dorm. It started with Seungmin, Jangjun and Sungyoon, who were already drinking casually in their room, and evolved to include Joochan, whom Sungyoon had invited.

Over the past year, Sungyoon and Joochan had gotten closer than ever. The two often disappeared for hours at a time, either for long walks around the neighbourhood or for combined vocal lessons. It got to the point where Jangjun could barely celebrate Sungyoon's birthday with him anymore, because it was Joochan's birthday as well and the two birthday boys were joined at the hip from dawn till dusk.

Of course, Jangjun was heartened that Joochan was returning to his old self again - he was back to bickering with Donghyun, joking around with Jibeom and pestering Daeyeol - but he couldn't help but be disappointed at the fact that his roommate Sungyoon was not exclusively theirs (his) anymore. He’d thought that the heart-to-hearts were reserved for him and Seungmin only, but it turned out that Sungyoon and Joochan have been having their own separately. 

Nevertheless, it was fun inducting the newly legal Joochan into the world of alcohol. The first few nights were spent introducing him to the different types of alcohol and testing his limits, with the older three looking on tenderly as he winced at the taste. He quickly caught on, however, and became the biggest proponent of drinking games. It was then that the alcoholic quartet was formed, the four of them drinking late into the night, with the occasional guesting of one or two other members.

Jangjun should've guessed that he would be haunted by his weakness, even while drinking. On a night when they had a little too much to drink, a red-faced Sungyoon garbled some incomprehensible words before plonking headfirst into Jangjun's lap, fast asleep. 

A giggly Joochan clapped delightedly at this, exclaiming, "hyung's gone - he disappeared! It's magic!"

"He's in Jangjun's lap, you fool," Seungmin said, taking another swig from the bottle.

Joochan clapped even more, "in Jangjun's lap, finally! It's magic!"

"He's out of his mind," Jangjun remarked to Seungmin, although he wasn't feeling completely sane himself. He didn't know if it was because of the alcohol or Sungyoon.

"That's just Joochan everyday," Seungmin said matter-of-factly. Joochan giggled but did not disagree. 

Sungyoon let out a snore into Jangjun's thigh. 

"Should I move him to bed, or..." Jangjun asked no one in particular.

"Why move him? He's in paradiseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee," Joochan said, dragging the last syllable out until he ran out of breath.

"He's literally in my lap."

"Sungyoon hyung's paradiseeeeeee -"

"Someone shut him up, please," Seungmin groaned.

Sungyoon let out another snore before rolling onto his side, exposing his flushed cheeks and long lashes to Jangjun.

Jangjun was glad that he’s already red from the alcohol. "Great, it's gonna be impossible to move him now," he huffed.

"Aren't you strong, hyung?" Joochan inquired.

"His heart is weak," Seungmin helpfully supplied.

"Oh!" Joochan's eyes lit up, "Sungyoon hyung's, too!"

This was all too much for Jangjun's half-drunken brain to process. "We’re never doing this again,” he declared. 

Unsurprisingly, they did it again. 

It was then that they found out that Sungyoon’s drunk habit was to fall promptly asleep, much to Jangjun’s chagrin. 

Thankfully, the pace started picking up in the later half of the year. They were able to act in their own web drama and film a few in-house varieties, all while preparing to comeback with their first full-length album in November. The album, aptly titled Re-boot, was meant to be a reboot of their current branding - from bright and youthful to dark and sophisticated. 

As expected, the year-long hiatus had impacted their numbers quite a bit; but as promotions went on, it became apparent that they were gaining many fans through their new concept. The reception was overall very favourable, and gave them hope for the coming year. 

Promotions for Re-boot ended in December, and the members had some free time in the weeks after. Jangjun went out with Donghyun and Joochan to eat and have fun after training one day, but regretted it almost immediately. 

"Give me one reason why I should give you Spongebob." 

“I pressed the button!” 

“I told you when to press the button, Joochan! And I steered the damn claw to where the damn soft toy was!”

“Button-pressing is the most crucial step, Donghyun! Do you think we could’ve gotten Spongebob if I hadn’t pressed the button?”

“We? It was my turn, and I only let you press the button because you wouldn’t stop whining about it! I could’ve pressed it myself! Do you think we could’ve gotten Spongebob if I didn’t steer the claw?” 

“But the point is that you ended up not pressing the button, and I did! I performed the physical, very integral step of pushing the button at the right point in time -”

“Will you just shut up and let me concentrate? I need to get this one, too,” Donghyun snapped, scowling at Joochan while inserting coins into the claw machine.

“How about the fact that it’s a Spongebob plushie, and that’s basically my trademark?” Joochan continued, not backing down.

“Nickelodeon owns the trademark for Spongebob, dumbass, not you. And you imitate Patrick Star, not Spongebob.”

“I do both, shithead! Do you not pay attention to my impersonations?”

“Why would I pay attention to your shitty impersonations?”

“Shitty? Shitty? You were the one who told me to do them, you snake!”

Well, that’s enough of that. Jangjun mentally checked out of Donghyun and Joochan’s inconsequential squabble to scroll mindlessly on Twitter. He was just watching a fancam of himself when he received a pop-up notification from their group chat, saying: WWE WON MCD!!!!!!!!!!

Huh. 

He opened the chat, and was immediately greeted with a slew of messages from Youngtaek:

WE

FRKIGN

WOM

NO.1

ON

MC D

ASDLKGJFDJK

SDFJFADHDSJSDFJDJSFJDSHJ

Jangjun frowned. Was this a prank? It’s been a month and a half since they released WANNABE, how could they possibly have climbed back on the charts enough to win a music show? 

He settled for replying a u ok?? back.  

A few seconds later, Seungmin uploaded an image onto the chat. It was a photo of their television, with the classic purple-turquoise MCountdown screen displaying the winner of the episode. He squinted at the words on the screen, a blurry replication of their group name - Golden Child.

“Holy shit,” Jangjun breathed, his heart stopping. “We did win MCountdown.”

“Huh?” Donghyun said distractedly, at the same moment another plushie dropped into the collection slot.

Jangjun looked up from his phone, eyes widening and brain short-circuiting, “I think we just got our first win.”

“We just what?” Joochan gasped, his mouth comically stained by the ketchup on his hot dog. 

“W-we won on MCountdown, ” he said, shakily showing them Seungmin’s photo.

Donghyun and Joochan crowded in front of his phone, staring at the screen intently. Jangjun saw the precise moment their eyes lit up, before they broke into expressions of sheer joy and disbelief.

“We won,” Donghyun breathed.

“We won!” Joochan exclaimed.

“WE WON!” Jangjun confirmed.

The three of them hugged each other and danced around the claw machine, yelling and laughing and ignoring all the passers-by that were giving them weird looks. When they rushed back to the company, it still felt surreal - like a lucid dream that Jangjun might wake up from anytime soon.

It felt like something that was too good to be true, yet also a bit regretful. Too good because it was their first comeback after a year of inactivity, and because promotions had already ended; regretful because Jangjun had always imagined their first win to be onstage, in front of loving and beloved fans. He'd theorised in his head about who would cry: definitely Daeyeol, quite possibly Joochan, and maybe Sungyoon. He always thought that he might cry himself, especially if he saw the fans celebrating with them.

But this win was a special one - it wasn't broadcast live, and they weren't present to receive the trophy onstage. Rather, they only found out through Youngtaek's initial message and the subsequent congratulatory ones from their friends and family. They didn't get to celebrate as a group or with their fans, either; they had to gather one by one at the company to thank their fans on VLive.

Jangjun, Donghyun, Joochan and Seungmin were there first, starting the VLive before the rest arrived because they were too excited. Jibeom arrived later, followed by Daeyeol, Sungyoon and Jaehyun.

Perhaps it was the adrenaline from winning, but Jangjun bravely offered his lap to Sungyoon when there was no space for him to sit. It still felt like a dream when Sungyoon settled there, his legs bracketed by Jangjun's and his back against his chest. 

It was cold then, in the dead of winter in one of the meeting rooms which had minimal heating, but Sungyoon was soft and snug, all wrapped up in his oversized hoodie and beanie. With Sungyoon in his arms and the other members close by, everyone giddy with joy from their very first win, it was one of the warmest winters that Jangjun has ever had.

2020

After a year of relative inactivity, 2020 was a very welcome change for Golden Child. Before the pandemic struck the nation, they managed to comeback with a repackaged album and hold their first solo concert. The concert was like a dream come true - being able to perform in front of such a huge turnout of fans, especially after not seeing them for so long, was indescribably exhilarating and emotional. It made the months of practice and preparation worth it, culminating in a poignant ending speech and encore. 

Jangjun prided himself on his ability to withhold his tears, but he nearly lost it then. As his members tearfully recounted the past year of hiatus, his eyes prickled and his heart ached. He couldn't bear to hear Joochan talking about his injury, the younger's words giving way to sobs that made several other members start crying with him. During his turn, Jangjun intentionally kept his part short, so he wouldn't cry too. 

When it came to Sungyoon's turn, Jangjun thought that the worst was over. But he'd forgotten that Sungyoon has a way with words; while his diction was mostly simple, his points were always hard-hitting. 

Sungyoon started by talking about how the CEO complimented him for the first time a few days ago, and how each member had contributed to the group in their own ways. When he told Joochan not to be so hard on himself, the latter was inevitably reduced to another round of tears. 

Jangjun was there during the CEO's long-overdue compliment. It was more of a casual remark, a basic "you did well" to Sungyoon, but it'd made him silently after the meeting. Jangjun kind of understood why - it's been eight long years since Sungyoon joined the company, but in spite of all his efforts, his talent and devotion to the group always seemed to go unappreciated by higher-ups. That's not to say that Sungyoon was unnoticed - he was noticed, as evidenced by his many lines and centre positions - but Jangjun supposed that he needed to hear the words to believe them. 

That was why, when it came to Youngtaek's turn for the ending speech, Jangjun was glad that he used it to thank Sungyoon for guiding them all this while. It was one of the traits that Jangjun greatly admired about Youngtaek - his ability to express himself and his gratitude to others. At this point, Jangjun noticed that Sungyoon's eyes had become red-rimmed, and realised just how much he needed to be verbally affirmed. 

It made Jangjun feel bad for not doing so in the eight years that he and Sungyoon have known each other. He'd of course written some heartfelt words in birthday cards and text messages before, but otherwise thought that actions would suffice: by allowing Sungyoon to sleep in his bed, by getting medicine for him when he was ill, by accompanying him for workouts and grocery runs. 

It was simply not in Jangjun's nature to express his affection with words - he preferred joking and teasing, rather than being sincere or vulnerable. He was good with dispensing serious advice and objective evaluations when he was drunk, but even in his tipsy state he found it hard to communicate his subjective feelings to others. 

Especially when it came to Sungyoon, he had so much to say - but nothing at the same time. He didn't know what he was afraid of - being cheesy? Sounding stupid? Exposing his feelings? What feelings? It's probably linked to his weakness for Sungyoon, but he's not ready to confront that issue yet. 

Before he knew it, the speeches ended and the encore commenced with Thank You playing in the background. They gathered for a long and heartwarming group hug, with Daeyeol saying some encouraging words to all of them. When they dispersed, Jangjun made a beeline for Sungyoon, who was quite visibly sobbing now. 

He pulled Sungyoon into a half-hug, because a full one might make the both of them cry. "Thank you for everything, hyung," he said into Sungyoon's ear before he could stop himself. He felt Sungyoon hiccup against him, and released him to see a fresh layer of tears on his cheeks. 

"Thank you, Jangjun," Sungyoon replied, the earnestness in his voice conveying everything that the three words didn't. 

2020 was a great year for Jangjun himself, with him scoring a few solo variety appearances and a whole YouTube series with Dingo called Jangstar. It made him significantly busier than before, but he welcomed it because he thoroughly enjoyed what he was doing. 

Whenever Jangjun got home late, he'd see a half-awake Sungyoon with a phone or book propped up on his chest. He'd greet Jangjun softly (because Seungmin was usually asleep by then) before he put the phone or book aside and promptly fell asleep. 

It occurred to Jangjun that this happened oddly often, even though his schedules ended at inconsistent timings. It then occurred to Jangjun that Sungyoon might be staying up late for him, for whatever reason. 

He refused to believe it at first, because believing it made him inexplicably happy, and he didn't want to be disappointed. But Sungyoon was practically always awake when he returned to the dorm, and it made Jangjun worry for his sleep schedule - so he decided to ask about it. 

On the next night when he caught Sungyoon sleepily greeting him, he moved to his bedside and whispered, a little awkward because he didn't want to misinterpret Sungyoon's actions: "hyung - are you perhaps... staying up late to wait for me?"

Sungyoon seemed to wake up at that, eyes blinking open rapidly, "I-I'm not." 

The uncertainty in his tone made Jangjun press harder, "you're always awake when I'm home, and you go to sleep right after." 

Sungyoon shrugged, doe-eyed and suddenly pink in the face. 

Jangjun softened a little, “you don't have to, you know. You should sleep more."

“It’s the least I could do,” Sungyoon said meekly, looking away. 

Jangjun knew that Sungyoon was always a little too invested in the members’ well-being, blaming himself when he couldn’t do more for them. It happened when Bomin was the only one promoting actively throughout 2019, acting, emceeing and filming endorsements to the point of getting no sleep. It happened when Joochan was downcast because of his injury, sullenly shuttering between physiotherapy and self-isolation. Now it seemed to be happening again with Jangjun, who was packed with schedules nearly every day of the week.

“You don’t have to worry, hyung, I’m okay,” Jangjun reassured him. “I’m not tired, I enjoy what I’m doing.”

Sungyoon simply blinked at him. “I’m not worried,” he said. 

Jangjun blinked back, befuddled. Did he read him that wrongly? “Well… why are you waiting up, then?”

Sungyoon looked like he was about to say something, before he looked away again and shrugged. It was difficult for Jangjun to see his expression from this angle, but he looked stiff and shy. A few seconds passed before he admitted, “it’s hard to see you after practice sometimes.” 

Jangjun’s heart skipped a beat. Platonic, he means it platonically, he reminded himself. “Awww, you missed me?”

“It’s just eerily quiet without you here,” he mumbled.

“You can always catch up on Jangstar while I’m gone.”

“It’s more fun to drink with Jangstar than watch him drink,” Sungyoon huffed.

Jangjun laughed, “don’t lie, you don’t even watch Jangstar!” 

“I’m a loyal subscriber!” Sungyoon insisted, grinning and reaching for the evidence on his phone.

“That doesn’t mean you watch it. What was the last episode about?”

“Uh… you… and rice wine…” 

“That was two weeks ago -”

“I’m trying to sleep,” Seungmin groaned from above, shutting both of them up as they dissolved into silent giggles.

It wasn’t all a bed of roses, of course. They were eliminated first on a survival show despite putting their hearts and souls into the performances. Yet, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise - the viewers who were enraged over their unjust elimination turned into loyal fans, and Woollim was able to channel the resources saved into another comeback. 

From then on, their growth was exponential: their album sales tripled and quadrupled, their online concert and fan meeting were both sold widely, and they managed to get a live music show win on Seungmin’s birthday. Their success attracted a nearly relentless stream of schedules, but after the dry season in 2019 the boys knew better than to complain. 

They were given a short break at the end of the year. Some used it to spend Christmas and New Year with their family, while some stayed at the dorm to hang out with the other members. Jangjun found himself having celebratory drinks with Sungyoon, Seungmin and Joochan again, counting down to the new year in their half-drunken states:

“3… 2… 1!”

2021 (Present)

“Happy new year!” They yell, clinking their glasses together before downing it at the same time.

Jangjun swallows and smacks his lips, feeling the alcohol warm his throat on its way down. “Another year without a new year’s kiss,” he jokes. 

“Shouldn’t have picked this career if you wanted one,” Sungyoon says, cocking his head to the side and smiling at Jangjun cheekily.

“You can give him one, hyung,” Joochan replies ever so casually, raising his empty glass to that. 

“What?” Jangjun asks in shock. Sungyoon simultaneously yelps Joochan’s name, sounding scandalised. 

“What? It’s a win-win situation,” Joochan drawls, his voice weighted by alcohol.

“Why is it a win-win situation?” Seungmin asks curiously, although he is almost immediately interrupted by Sungyoon’s “don’t encourage him!”

Joochan squints in Seungmin’s general direction, “isn’t it clear enough?” He frowns, “because they’ll both like it, of course.”

“Both? You mean Sungyoon hyung, too?”

The two subjects of this discussion protest at the same time: “what do you mean Sungyoon hyung, too?” Sungyoon exclaims, while Jangjun roars, “what d’you mean I’ll like it?”

A sober Seungmin is already pretty straightforward, but a drunk one is an unflappable force to be reckoned with. “Youngtaek already told me about you a long time ago, Jangjun. I’ve been watching.” 

A drunk Joochan appears to have no filter or respect for secrecy, either: “you too, Sungyoon hyung, stop annoying me about your stupid crush.”

Jangjun looks between the two of them and Sungyoon, mouth agape. Sungyoon is a mirror of him, staring wide-eyed and open-mouthed at Joochan and Seungmin. Jangjun can barely process what is happening - crush? Sungyoon has a crush on him? And he has a crush on Sungyoon, too? Wait, he knew that long ago, didn’t he? He just suppressed it all this while - but wait, Sungyoon has a crush on him, too? It’s not one-sided?

The awkward staring and prolonged silence seems to have sobered Seungmin up a little. 

“Uh… I think we should go, Joochan,” he says, shakily standing up while grabbing Joochan’s arm.

“Why?” Joochan whines, “we’re finally making some progress. I wanna watch.”

“Joochan,” Seungmin scolds, tugging his arm.

“Fine, fine,” he groans, clumsily getting up and knocking an empty bottle over. “Why do you hate love?” he asks Seungmin as they exit the room, shutting the door behind them.

Compared to just a few seconds before, the room is uncomfortably quiet now. Jangjun and Sungyoon are looking pointedly away from each other.

“I hate Joochan.” It’s the first thing that Jangjun hears from Sungyoon since the two left. 

He wracks his brain on what to say, but eventually settles for a simple “why?” 

Would he hate Joochan if he was lying, or if he was telling the truth?

‘You know why,” Sungyoon grumbles, crossing his arms.

“... I don’t.”

“It’s because he’s a betrayer.”

“... Betrayer?” 

“Do you really not know, or are you just pretending to be clueless?” Sungyoon sulks, glaring at Jangjun now, his annoyance with Joochan seemingly redirected at him.

“I…” Jangjun is trying to piece the pieces together in his intoxicated brain, but it’s filled with too many scenarios he can’t afford to believe.

In the middle of Jangjun’s internal struggle, Sungyoon puts his face in his hands. “Why do I like such a clueless idiot?”

Sungyoon’s rhetorical question cuts through the mess in his head and makes him sit ramrod straight. “You mean… me?”

“Who else here could be a clueless idiot?”

Jangjun stares, awestruck by the revelation. He watches Sungyoon’s features rearrange themselves from a mildly annoyed expression to a slightly insecure one. “Sorry, I didn’t mean -”

It clicks, finally. He likes me, and I like him back. 

“You.”

“Huh?”

“You’re also a clueless idiot,” Jangjun deadpans.

“Excuse me?”

“Did you not hear what Seungmin said just now?” 

Sungyoon frowns, looking confused, “no?”

Jangjun takes a deep breath. 

“I’ve... liked you for a while.”

The words hang in the air, Jangjun reeling from his own confession and Sungyoon still processing them. He almost regrets saying it and potentially ruining their friendship, when he sees Sungyoon’s eyes widen and cheeks flush.

“Oh,” is all he says, staring astonishedly at Jangjun.

“Turns out we’re both clueless idiots?”

“I… yeah.”

They sit in silence across the table from each other. It’s so quiet that Jangjun worries about whether Sungyoon can hear his heart beating.

“So… what happens from here?” Jangjun asks timidly, his voice nearly cracking from nervousness.

“I don’t know,” Sungyoon says, soft and unsure. “What do you want?”

“Um… whatever you want.”

Sungyoon snorts a little at that, before he starts full-on laughing. Jangjun stills, confused, before he also starts laughing at the ridiculousness of the whole situation: them sounding like indecisive and inexperienced teenagers, and them conversing awkwardly as if they haven’t been best friends for the past decade.

They laugh until they’re out of breath, dizzy with happiness and hilarity. They make eye contact as their amusement slowly subsides, replaced by affection. 

“Do you want to redeem your new year’s kiss now?” Sungyoon asks in a joking tone, although Jangjun sees right through it. Sungyoon gnawing on his lips is always a dead giveaway.

Still, Jangjun doesn’t want to take advantage of him. “Maybe,” he says, feeling his face getting impossibly warmer, "if you aren’t drunk."

"I'm not," Sungyoon replies, a little more confident now. "I sleep when I'm drunk, remember?" 

“Okay, then,” Jangjun says - two anticlimactic words before he shoves all his doubts aside, closes the distance between them, and kisses Sungyoon.

He has imagined this moment more times than he would like to admit, but this is a rare occasion where reality far surpasses expectations. Sungyoon is soft and pliant beneath him, reciprocating and shifting slightly so that their lips fit perfectly together. His lips are soft despite the constant gnawing, and Jangjun’s heart skips a beat when he feels Sungyoon’s arm wind around his waist to draw them closer. 

Everything is warm - the alcohol inside him, their bodies close together, his incredibly full heart. He doesn’t want this moment to end, and almost whines when Sungyoon pulls away. He blinks his eyes open to see him beaming at Jangjun.

God, he’s so beautiful that Jangjun can’t speak. All pink cheeks and mussed hair, droopy eyes and bunny teeth. It feels like an absolute dream - how is it real that all this time, his repressed one-sided crush is actually reciprocated? How is it real that he just kissed Sungyoon, and can probably kiss him indefinite times in the future? 

He should probably reality-test that.

So Jangjun beams back, and leans in for another kiss - and another, and another. Each one better than the last. 

With a comeback around the corner and Sungyoon right there with him, he really couldn’t be happier. This is going to be a fantastic year, he feels it in his bones - the year he conquers his weaknesses by kissing them in the face.