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Jungkook was excited to return home to Taehyung. It was Friday - their designated pasta, ice cream and movie night. Tonight, they planned to make a pillow fort in front of their TV screen and watch My Neighbor Totoro for maybe the 5th time (since they started dating a year ago). Unlocking the door to their dorm, he whistled "Always With Me," a song from their other frequently watched Ghibli movie, Spirited Away.
When Jungkook walked through the door he immediately knew something was up with his boyfriend.
He was met with Taehyung curled up all small on the couch with three of their fluffiest blankets wrapped around his body and head so just his face and hand stuck out where he was clutching his phone watching some nature documentary, the narrator's soothing British accent sounding quietly through the room. Upon his face was a slight pout and he was lightly sniffling.
Jungkook untied his boots as fast as he could, kicking them off and nearly tripping on his way to his downtrodden boyfriend. He plopped himself on the couch and engulfed Taehyung in his blanket burrito into a big hug. Taehyung hadn't even flinched or looked away from the tiny phone screen that showed a baby bird learning how to fly for the first time with the aid of its mother. They watched the documentary in silence for a few minutes until Jungkook could feel Taehyung start to tremble under the layers of fabric and the sniffling became louder and more laborious. Jungkook swiftly took the phone and placed it on the coffee table. He reached over, cupping his palms around Taehyung's tear-stained face and turned him so they faced each other. Taehyung would barely meet his eyes and it broke his heart seeing tears begin to pool at the corners of his red-rimmed eyes once more.
"Tae, honey bear, what's wrong? Do you want to talk about it?" Jungkook gently swiped away the falling tears with his thumbs and brushed away soft, brown, curled locks away from Taehyung's face.
More sniffling. A small shake. He still couldn't hold eye contact.
"Okay... that's okay. Have you eaten anything since breakfast?"
Taehyung shook his head weakly.
"Maybe we'll save the cooking for another night then-"
Taehyung's eyes went wide and he started crying harder. "N-no... m'sorry... my... fault-"
"No, no, we'll have none of that, honey bear. It's not your fault. We can cook our pasta tomorrow night, yeah? It's no problem so don't you dare blame yourself. I just don't want you to put in any work tonight. Let me order something alright? Fried chicken and tteokbokki does that sound good? I'll make sure the chicken is mild for you."
A hesitant nod and what could be a small smile.
Jungkook smiled in relief, kissing his boyfriend's forehead and grabbed his phone to order delivery, keeping one arm secure around Taehyung who's leaning into his strong chest.
-
They're eating in silence with only the sound of crunchy chicken filling the air until Taehyung puts down his chopsticks and takes a deep breath. He shivers slightly and fiddles with his hands. Jungkook knows he's ready to talk.
"...T-today..." Taehyung stars off slowly, eyes still unable to meet Jungkook's directly. "...people kept spamming my comments with hateful and transphobic shit and that's the first thing I woke up to this morning." Taehyung vlogs about being trans and his transition on YouTube and posts personal updates on Instagram. "A-and normally, I mean you know me, I don't care all that much. But just today there were too many and there were the supportive comments of course but all the ones telling me I'm going against god, that I'm disgusting, that-that I'm an embarrassment to my family... I would be better off dead... that I'm just a girl who's confused and ruined her body... And comments from other trans people too saying if I'm a trans guy I shouldn't be wearing dresses or makeup and that I'm disgusting for not taking testosterone consistently. That I'm the reason no one takes us seriously!! That I'm faking it all and I kept getting misgendered by people who are supposed to... supposed to understand all the bullying and rejection. And yet... fuck... it was like my brain filtered out the good ones and only saw bad." His face scrunched up as heavy sobs wracked his crumpling body.
"Oh, honey bear..." Jungkook rushed over to Taehyung's side, taking his trembling hands in his and rubbing circles in the palms. He kissed his boyfriend's forehead lovingly. "I'm sorry you had all that to deal with today. I wish I could've been there for you..."
"That's just... how I started out my day and don't blame yourself I know you had morning class and had to leave before I woke up! It's okay I just think... I know that the monthly blood demon is coming soon and that's why I'm so damn emotional... I fucking hate it. Feel disgusting. Dumb men making it seem like emotions are a bad thing and I'm a trans man so I guess I have to train to be an emotionally constipated shithea-"
"Honey, Taehyung, it's okay to be emotional no matter what. Fuck anyone who tells you to repress your emotions - that isn't what makes you who you say you are. Neither is choosing to wear skirts over pants or liking to watch baby animal videos over wrestling matches. People who tell you otherwise have a fragile sense of masculinity and gender. They're insecure and they wanna hurt beautiful, radiant people like you to feel better about themselves. Your feelings are always valid and anyone would be affected by shitty comments like that. You of all people don't deserve that kind of hate."
"God, I know, I know but I just.. fucking hate that ever since I stopped hormones, each month I get reduced down to this dysphoric crumpling mess and I can't help it... reminds me each month how much of a girl I am and-"
"Kim Taehyung you are not a girl."
There was a sternness in Jungkook's voice that had Taehyung finally meet his eyes.
"Some men get their periods and it doesn't make them-"
"-any less of a man. I know... I get that and that's what I always tell other people but... it's nice to be reminded by someone who isn't myself. Thank you."
"Of course. My beautiful prince. Treat yourself how you would treat someone online asking for your advice. Give yourself kindness and understanding. And patience to feel." He kissed Taehyung's forehead again. "Did something else happen today? You were pretty upset earlier."
"Y-yeah... my uh... my mom called when I got home from class this afternoon."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Did you want to tell me what she said? If you're not up for it that's okay-"
"Fucking... same crap as usual: I was so pretty before I fucked my body up, I'm confused, I need to get my head fixed, I'm stressing her and my dad out and they're gonna have heart attacks and die and it'll be all my-"
"Okay yeah same bullshit."
Taehyung sighed deeply and bit into a rice cake. "Yeah, same bullshit. It isn't anything I haven't heard before but today it all just built up and god I'm so frustrated at everything and sad about myself and I know as a motivational trans social media whateverthefuck my title is, I'm supposed to be put together and not wallow in self pity but I'm feeling really fucking invalid and stupid. My existence feels stupid."
It wasn't the first time, nor would it be the last, that Jungkook had experienced Taehyung like this after their year of dating and three years of friendship upon meeting in college in a drawing class, and on their first day, they were assigned partners having to model poses for each other. Jungkook was already two years on testosterone and had already gotten top surgery. Taehyung, after introducing himself to the class as using he/him/his pronouns, was nervous around him at first; he had assumed Jungkook was yet another cis guy that would talk to him in a patronizing tone and scrutinize his masculinity. Taehyung hadn't transitioned at all yet and still had his high-pitched voice and badly flattened out chest (via homemade binder) and he wasn't sure how people perceived him. Jungkook could see the hesitance on the boy's face to pose and model and just to speak during the class period, and knew all too well why that was.
Jungkook had planned to go slightly stealth in college, not because he was ashamed of being trans, but just because it was a hassle to explain to people. He passed, and that was that. Still, he looked at the shy boy in front of him and couldn't help but want to be a source of comfort, maybe letting himself find comfort in knowing another trans person on campus. So he nervously went up to Taehyung and eloquently said "I-I was um... planning on going to the LGBTQ Club meeting tomorrow night but I was nervous to go alone... do you wanna come with me? Cause I also... I'm... I mean, we can go if you're free. If you're not then... uh I don't wanna pressure you or anything I just-" and Taehyung cut him off with a resounding yes and a blinding bright smile. Slowly, over weeks and months, they told each other their stories and it was the first time Jungkook came out to someone post-transition and didn't feel like dying after. He started encouraging Taehyung to talk about his experiences online; Taehyung with the desire to help other trans people feel validated and comforted and to be the source of positivity that he wishes he had while growing up. He began giving Taehyung his old chest binders and hoodies that no longer fit his more muscled form. And then it turned into Taehyung wearing more of his wardrobe and he decided he really, really liked seeing Taehyung in his clothes. And the rest his is history.
After a nervous start to freshman year, he blossomed. On his best days, Taehyung was radiant. He was confident, brighter than the sun, wore his array of chunky rings and flashy dangly earrings and colorfully painted and self-altered clothing better than any model could dream of and like any proper art student, dyed his hair at any chance he got. Right now it was a soft, long, curly brown. He was letting it rest for now, fearful of going bald especially after the effects of testosterone. He always had his shoulders held back with a little sway and flare to his gait and gave everyone a pleasant smile and even waved at dogs passing by. Laughed at transphobes and combated them with facts and scholarly articles from his gender theory classes until they looked ridiculous and began to question every term that used any form of "man" in it, or they outright blocked him. He broke out into song, testing his newly found baritone voice, and danced randomly singing about everything and anything from puppies to pineapple pizza, or alien invasions to made-up rock songs about the entrapment of capitalism and he was loud, loud, loud, limbs flying everywhere and taking up as much space as possible.
Taehyung on his bad days was anxious and small. He tried to take up the least amount of space possible because he didn't believe he deserved to take up space at all. Takes someone to make sure he eats and drinks water and hold him while he cries sparkly tears that his online audience never really gets to see. He's still slightly insecure about his body - he was only on testosterone for about a year to get the permanent effect of a lower voice - and went off of it not really feeling dysphoric about the curves of his body or his face, leaving top surgery as the last piece of the puzzle. Other trans people online berated him for it, saying he wasn't really one of them for not staying on it long term. That he wasn't totally and utterly dysphoric about every inch of himself so he must be a fake - especially with the amount of skirts and blouses he has in his wardrobe and the pastel pink and purple colored paintings he makes about the disillusionment of growing into a gendered world, a highly sensitive and emotional topic, as his professors say. Although even they still see him as a girl making artwork about womanhood. His mother constantly calling him to tell him his identity is a sin and having to fund his own transition by working odd hours at the pie shop near campus and people commissioning his artwork through the internet.
There's a lot in his brain almost all the time. Still, he does what he does because of the messages he receives about young trans people who find solace in his videos and his posts that speak on validity and self love. But it's all a heavy burden to bear. And that's why Jungkook found him curled up tightly in a blanket burrito and that's why Taehyung's shoulders still slump as he sits at the table. Bad days Taehyung takes a long time to speak up about what's bothering him. Bad days Taehyung just needs to be comforted and reassured that he's safe and accepted. And Jungkook is there for him to let it all out.
Jungkook gently tilts his boyfriend's chin up to look at him although Taehyung is having a hard time keeping steady eye contact.
"You don't have to be happy and put a strong face on all the time, honey bear- that's too much responsibility for anyone to carry. You're allowed these sad, down days. Your individual experience as yourself is the most important and valid thing there is. Don't let anyone attempt to tell you otherwise. Your presence in the world and your gender identity are worthy of respect and love because you exist and nothing about it is stupid. They're the ones I feel sorry for because they can't let an amazing man like yourself into their lives and their hearts. And those internet trolls, I wish I could boil their teeth for making such a beautiful and kind soul cry like this. You're too sweet to be made to cry so much, honey bear."
The sincerity in Jungkook's voice has all of Taehyung's anger at the world slowly slip away. Taehyung manages a soft smile and leans into Jungkook's hand on his cheek. His shoulders visibly relax and his eyes close.
"I love you, Tete. I'll be here for you, okay? I always will."
"Thank you, Jungkook. I really, really love you too." He finally pulls away and looks into Jungkook's eyes, noticing they're also brimming with tears.
"Kookie, why are you crying too?" Taehyung giggles, swiping his boyfriend's tears away like Jungkook had done with him moments ago.
"Just... I can't stand to see how shittily other people are treating you, Tae. I can't stand it at all. You're so wise, so beautiful, so kind. I don't get it how people are okay with making you upset like this. And I hate that you speak so lowly of yourself sometimes even though I get it and I've been there but... I just..." Jungkook sniffs.
"Hey, I'm okay now. It's hard and yeah I was feeling like a soggy muffin until you showed up and fed me good quality fried food. I have you, Kookie, for my bad days. And you have me for yours and it's safe. We're safe."
They share a teary-eyed smile and embrace again, basking in each other's warmth and scent.
-
Later, they're huddled together in their pillow fort, lit up by fairy lights and the TV screen playing My Neighbor Totoro. They're home safe and sound with each other in their own little world. They'll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes and about social media some other day. They'll worry about gender and identity and fighting off transphobes for some other time but for now, they're just Taehyung and Jungkook, two boyfriends with love.