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it was midnight at bokutos house. everyone had long since gone to sleep- everyone except bokuto and kuroo. they sat awake on bokutos bed, the white haired man sitting on kuroos lap, practically straddling him. one arm was tossed over kuroos shoulder, another on his side.
they kissed. and they kissed again. and again. and bokuto wanted to vomit every second they kissed.
it was perfect. he loved it, he loved kuroo and he loved kissing him. but the feeling of doubt, of dread, of absolute disgust in the pit of his stomach refused to go away. it was a certain heavy feeling, your heart dropping into your intestine. like the kind you get when you know you can't act fast enough to avoid hitting something. like the kind when your parents catch you doing something bad and you know they won't look at you the same after. shame. guilt. regret. they just swirl up around in your head and block out any other thoughts. no amount of kissing could ever override that.
and kuroo was perfect. and he didn’t deserve him. if bokuto wanted to vomit every time they kissed what sort of relationship would that be? and kuroo was his best friend. and bokuto could fuck this up in so many ways. what if kuroo hated him for it all. every little break that bokuto took to go to the bathroom. sitting in there and immediately blocking out what had just happened between them. remembering he was still in his own house, not in some fantasy world with kuroo. no, his parents were still somewhere around. lurking. waiting to bust in on them. to catch them in the act.
what if kuroo could see right through him? see the unease in bokuto still, wonder when he will finally catch up to him. maybe kuroo was already mad. maybe he was impatient that bokuto was still so jumpy- it had been months since they had started doing this, surely bokuto should get over himself by now. but no, every little creak they heard, no matter how late into the night, caused bokuto to jump and pull away. it stood in stark contrast to how he normally acted that's for sure. maybe kuroo was regretting being his friend- being more than his friend- now that he realized bokuto wasn’t always the happy-go-lucky ball of excitement he was at practice.
“hey..” kuroo interrupted bokutos thoughts as he pulled out of the kiss.
“i love you you know?”
the words felt foreign to him. like they shouldn’t be spoken.
“i love you too kou” bokuto said as he leaned back in for a kiss.
it wasn't a lie. bokuto did really love him. he loved kissing him and touching him and spending every second of the day with him.. it was just the fact that he was doing that- and that he liked that- that was the problem.
he felt bad. kuroo had always been there for him no matter the time. he had always been able to talk with kuroo about anything and he always knew when to be serious and when to lift his spirits. they fit together like puzzle pieces. designed for each other. of course bokuto loved him.
it didn't make saying i love you feel any less weird though. it was like his words were hollow. like there was nothing to support them other than ‘thats what youre supposed to say back’. he meant it, of course he did. he just couldn’t allow himself to put any of his emotions behind it. he couldn’t let those emotions exist outside of his brain or else they would become real and he would have to face them. he would have to see that he was in love with kuroo, plain as day. he would have to see that he was anything but straight.
“are you feeling alright tonight?” kuroo asked, pulling away from their kiss once more.
“of course, just a little tired thats all.” bokuto lied, not looking kuroo in the eye.
kuroo could see right through him. he always could. it never helped that bokuto was an easy book to read too.
kuroo tilted his head back and forth, trying to catch bokutos gaze as it darted around. when their eyes finally locked, bokuto could finally see kuroos expression.
his face was half tilted from catching bokutos gaze and eyes were half lidded from sleep. he wore the gentlest, kindest smile on his face- that of which was painted with so much care, so much concern for bokuto. the thumb from kuroos hand made slow peaceful circles on the back of bokutos hand. everything kuroo was doing was so purposefully calming, done in a deliberate attempt to make him feel safe and loved. bokuto practically melted.
he averted his gaze again and his face started to fall. as his shoulders tightened together and he started to crumple in on himself kuroo whisked him into a soft hug. bokuto sat there, head pressed into his shoulder, quietly sobbing but still afraid to untense. afraid to let himself relax, let himself be vulnerable. he was scared to be anything other than kuroos perfect best friend, kuroos perfect boyfriend that wasn’t scared of any of this stuff.
kuroo wrapped him closer. he could feel the point of kuroos nose brushing against the back of his neck as he whispered some calming words to him. kuroos hands rhythmically worked up and down his back, comforting him and distracting him at the same time.
they sat like that until bokuto finally let himself relax and sink into kuroo. it seemed like forever for bokuto to allow himself to wrap his arms around kuroos back and tuck his chin over kuroos shoulder. he stared at the wall behind him, thinking about nothing in particular. kuroo did the same and they sat there for even longer.
the soft sounds of kuroos hands running up and down bokutos t-shirt fabric were punctuated by an occasional sniff from bokuto. in the darkness at 2 in the morning bokuto finally spoke.
“kuroo, what does it mean to love somebody so much and to still be scared to love them?”
kuroo let out a long exhale before responding, obviously not quite sure how to deal with this doozy.
“i don’t know.” he said honestly “love always comes in so many different ways. you can’t always come at it analytically, you just have to ride it through and figure it out as you go.”
bokuto only responded with an mmhn and a slight nod into kuroos shoulder. he readjusted his position and kuroo let a hand drift up to scratch the back of his head.
“why? you got girl problems?” kuroo asked.
bokuto let out a few odd half-chuckle-half-sobs and then let himself smile into kuroos shoulder, grateful at the distraction. after letting out a few more small laughs, bokuto pressed his face into the crook of kuroos neck and spoke again.
“thank you for being- being my boyfriend.”
it was one of the rare occasions where bokuto let himself say the b word.
“of course..” kuroo answered as he combed back bokutos hair “and bokuto..?”
he waited until bokuto had pulled back to look him in the eye. the hand he had in his hair now drifted down to his shoulder, thumb softly rubbing the skin of his collarbone.
“i’ll always be here for you bokuto. no matter our relationship, no matter how slow you want to go, and no matter the rough times. i’ll always be by your side and i’ll always wait for you to be comfortable.”
bokuto stared into kuroos face. kuroos small lopsided smile, the pinpricks of tears in his eyes, the immense amount of love in his expression. bokuto felt his lip quiver and the tears start to return to his eyes. he pressed himself back into kuroos neck and couldn't stop smiling.
“i love you kuroo.”
and he really truly meant it.