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Yaz sat at the edge of the TARDIS, her feet dangling into the seemingly endless...void? Abyss? Those words seemed too dark to describe the beauty that reigned in front of her, the endless swirling reds and purples that filled the sky and stretched as far as she could see. It was beautiful. A never ending mass of perfect emptiness, yet something that held so much life. She liked it here, in the calm. She could sit right on the edge, pretending she was the only one in the entire universe, getting lost in the shimmering expanse right at her fingertips. This was her safe space. Whenever she needed to think, she could get the Doctor to bring her here. Not here specifically; just somewhere, anywhere where there was a total absence of anything or anyone.
After Graham and Ryan had left there had been a silence. This in itself was enough to freak Yaz out, the Doctor had never been silent for a moment in her life. Until now, that is. There was nothing to distract them anymore. No Daleks, no celebration, no goodbyes. For the first time since the Doctor had returned, it was just them. Just them and a chasm of unspoken words.
“Where to next?” The Doctor had asked, nervously shifting her weight between her feet. “OH!.” She bounced around the console, momentary nervousness seemingly forgotten. Somehow that made it worse. “I know this planet which is run... by ducks!” She grinned, her face lighting up. “Literally giant ducks just going about their day to day business exactly like humans do - it’s absolutely BRILLIANT!” She frowned. “Well I guess it depends on your opinion of giant ducks, I have been told in the past that they’re ‘scary’ and ‘oh god Doctor it’s chasing me why the hell did you bring me here I’m scared of ducks!’ But I know you like a good adventure Yaz!” She bounded over to Yaz, stupid puppy dog grin plastered all over her face.
Yaz just stood there, motionless. Every single thought that she had wanted to say to the Doctor since she left evaporated in that moment. She was empty. The mixture of anger, resentment, love, relief, pain; it had been overwhelming. Too overwhelming to sustain for so long. So instead, she stood. Thoughts gone. Only two words had stuck in her head, escaping her lips without her even noticing.
“Ten months.” She said. Her voice was flat. Dry. It was just a statement. Ten months. Ten months without knowing if the woman she loved was okay - or if she was even alive. “Ten. Months.” She repeated, feeling a familiar sense of anger bubbling under her skin. It was that same anger that had caused her to shove the Doctor upon her return. The same anger that had caused Yaz to avoid her, to go with Jack instead, to bristle at the words ‘when have i ever let you down?’. The anger that was forgotten as soon as the Doctor had asked her if she was going to stay. She was ALWAYS going to stay. No matter what. For her. She clenched her jaw. This wasn’t fair. She bit back the tears forming in her eyes, the ‘i missed you’ that was bursting at her lips. The ‘I love you’.
The tears evaporated as she blinked them away, shaking her head.
“You don’t get to just…” She looked away, closing her eyes. “You can’t act like everything’s normal.” She let out a shaky breath. “I can’t-” She turned, feeling every emotion rising back up into her brain, cluttering her senses.
“Yaz, wait!” the Doctor’s pained voice followed her as she disappeared further into the TARDIS. She blocked it out, her stubbornness overriding any sense of longing that she had for the Doctor in that moment. She couldn’t look at her. Not after knowing what losing her was going to feel like. Not after the realisation that this couldn’t be forever.
After Yaz had fled, the Doctor had wordlessly tapped in coordinates, maneuvering the TARDIS into an empty, quiet galaxy. The Doctor knew her. Yaz needed space. And that was why Yaz was now sitting at the precipice of this vast sky, staring at the colours, counting the specks of light that surrounded her. She breathed in slowly, the TARDIS’ air bubble a welcome safety net. Something to ground her. She leaned in, resting her head on the doorframe, her legs swinging gently off the ledge. Her eyes focused on the white specs filling the galaxy in front of her. It was beautiful. The Doctor had really outdone herself this time, probably in an attempt to smooth things over in some way. Some part of Yaz melted at the thought that the Doctor knew exactly how to calm her down. That she knew to take her to this place, that she knew not to crowd her until she had calmed down, not to approach her until she was in a better headspace. That she knew her. She took another deep breath and returned to the stars. A few moments passed, her head firmly enveloped in the scene in front of her. Until she felt a gentle presence sliding down next to her. The warmth of a blanket being passed around her shoulders, the Doctor hesitating before wrapping herself in the other half of it. The Doctor’s hand tentatively reaching for Yaz’s. An act of solidarity. Of comfort. Of something more? Their fingers intertwined slowly, sending a rush through their clasped hands. They sat in silence, neither one of them looking at each other. A simple show of “I’m here when you’re ready.” Of “We’ll be okay.” Of “I’m sorry.”
“Ten months huh?” The Doctor’s voice was barely a whisper.
“Yeah.” Yaz’s blank expression didn’t waver.
The doctor closed her eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“I know.” She smiled sadly. “I just missed you.”
“I know.”
They resumed their silence, both returning their attention to the sky surrounding them. These were stars that the Doctor must have seen a million times. But seeing them with Yaz, that was different. Everything was different with Yaz. New. Hopeful. It was as if the stars shined for her alone… like wherever Yaz went, the bright yellow glow of the stars would follow her.
“My dad tried to teach me about constellations once.” Yaz was the one to break the silence. The Doctor nodded, waiting for her to continue. She didn’t.
“How did that go?” She prompted.
“Not great.” Yaz smiled softly. “I never paid attention. I was always making up my own ones instead. The originals never made much sense to me.”
“Can you show them to me?” The Doctor’s thumb moved along Yaz’s absentmindedly, it felt natural.
“Well I mean…” She gestured around her. “Different stars here. But I can make some up.” She snuck a glance at the Doctor, who was now beaming at her with those puppydog eyes. Yaz bit back a smile and returned her focus to the stars. She stared for a few seconds, searching for connections. Her eyes focused on a group to their left. She raised her free hand, tracing the outline softly. “There.”
“Where?”
“Right here.” She leaned in closer to the Doctor, allowing her to follow her gaze to the cluster of stars in front of them. “It looks kinda like a lion right?”
The Doctor grinned and Yaz could feel her warmth on her skin. “Can I try? I love this kind of thing.”
“Go ahead.” Yaz smiled, amused.
The Doctor squinted, staring intently at a patch in the distance. “BINGO!” Her face crumpled in disgust. “Bingo? Hm not saying that one again.”
Yaz raised an eyebrow, following the Doctor’s gaze. “What are you calling it?”
“The big pineapple.”
“The big pineapple?”
“Well, it’s big. And, it looks like a pineapple.”
“You astound me with your observation skills. They should call you the Looker.”
“Why? Cos I’m attractive?”
“No, because you’re good at-” Yaz turned away, flustered. “Shut up.” She shoved the Doctor playfully.
They fell back into a comfortable silence, it was easier now. Part of the tension released. Partly forgiven. Partly.
“I spent a lot of time in that cell thinking.” The Doctor’s voice was timid, something Yaz hadn’t heard before. A touch of vulnerability, all her boundless energy stripped away. “You told me you missed me, but the truth is i couldn’t miss you. Not really.” She inhaled slowly. “Because you know what, Yasmin Khan?” Yaz tilted her head, confused. “You were there with me. Every second. Every moment.” She squeezed Yaz’s hand, adjusting the blanket around them. “Every time I began to lose hope you were there. Telling me not to give up, to be strong. Every time I stared at the stars I could feel you with me. I’m here because of you, Yaz. I came back for you.”
Yaz stared at the Doctor, fully turning to face her for the first time. The words flew around her head, heart stuck in her throat. It was all the strength she could muster to not lean in closer, to not act on these feelings that were so obvious to everyone except the Doctor herself. This eccentric madwoman that lit up every room she was in. “I never gave up on you.” She whispered. “Every day I was out there, researching, trying to track you down. I knew you were out there. That you wouldn’t leave us.” She bit her lip. “That you wouldn’t leave me.” But then she frowned again, Jack’s words echoing in her head. “But you will. One day you will leave.” She looked up to meet The Doctor’s eyes, worry and anxiety filling her lungs. “I don’t want this to end.”
“I don’t want to leave you, Yaz.” Her voice was earnest, strong. “I never want to leave you.”
“But you have to. One day, you’ll have to.”
The Doctor leant in closer, untangling their fingers in order to take Yaz’s face into her hands. She met her eyes, gently brushing a strand of Yaz’s hair away from her face.
“One day at a time, Yasmin Khan.” She ran her fingers along Yaz’s skin softly. “I’m in no rush to be any further from you than I am right now.” Their faces were inches away, the Doctor’s breath hot on Yaz’s face. Yaz, who had completely forgotten how to breathe, frozen on the spot.
Yaz nodded slowly. “Yeah, this distance is...nice.” She swallowed nervously. What the hell was this woman doing to her. Yaz never got nervous, or flustered, or scared. Not when it came to this sort of thing. Whatever ‘this sort of thing’ meant with the Doctor. Something had shifted in that moment, something so subtle that neither of them could place, but it was something. Usually by this point, Ryan or Graham had blundered into the room yammering on about something unimportant and severely ruining the moment. But now, it was just them. Just Yaz and the Doctor. How it should be.
The Doctor nodded slowly, pulling Yaz closer gently. She shifted their bodies until her back was against the doorframe, Yaz softly nestled in her arms. Her hand found its way back to Yaz’s without either of them realising. The Doctor tilted her head down, her lips softly meeting the top of Yaz’s head as she gave her hand a comforting squeeze. Yaz used her free hand to stroke the Doctor’s arm tentatively, her skin electric at the contact. Every single nerve was on fire whilst simultaneously being the calmest she’d ever felt. She wanted to stay here forever. One day at a time. One moment at a time. One second , if that’s all she could get. She wanted everything, and she wanted it all with the Doctor.
“Will you sing to me?” The request came out of nowhere, taking a while for Yaz to even notice that it had been her who had spoken.
The Doctor looked at her curiously.
“I just…” Yaz fumbled for words, nervously running her fingers down the Doctor’s arm. “I hear you singing sometimes. Around the TARDIS, I mean. You have a nice voice.”
“Do I?” She seemed surprised. “I’ve never had a nice voice before. Go me! Maybe I should become a singer? I could be a great singer!” She grinned. “And I have been told that I have an incredible stage presence!” Her face dropped. “But what if I regenerate again and I have a terrible voice and then nobody will listen to me anymore. Hmm.” She trailed off.
“Doctor?” Yaz nudged her, smiling. Her rambles were one of the most endearing parts of her, but it did mean it was hard to maintain a conversation that stuck to the point.
“What?”
“Will you sing?” She asked again, moving their intertwined hands up and placing a kiss on her hand. “For me?”
This time it was the Doctor’s turn to get seemingly flustered, turning pink and looking away. Yaz congratulated herself on this brief development, before the Doctor recomposed herself and nodded.
“Of course.” She pondered for a minute, racking her brain before settling on a song. It was hard to find any song that even came close to encompassing her feelings for Yaz, but if any song could, it would be this one.
Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow
The Doctor’s voice was quiet, trembling at first as she settled her nerves. As she sang, her voice became stronger, light with graveley undertones. Her accent spilled through into the words she sang. It retained that sweet comfort that her voice always contained, that feeling of ‘you’re going to be okay’ that she exuded.
I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called "Yellow"
Yaz stared up at the woman holding her, her mouth agape, breath stolen the minute the Doctor uttered the first sound. The Doctor smiled nervously at her expression, but this was quickly dropped as she let herself get lost in the music. She stared at Yaz with an intensity that made her heart stop. There was nothing outside of this moment. It was just them. Just the Doctor’s shining, beautiful voice that filled every single one of Yaz’s senses.
So, then, I took my turn
What a thing to've done
And it was all yellow
Yaz sat up slowly, swiveling so she was sat face to face with the Doctor. The Doctor closed her eyes, feeling every soft word that she was singing, letting it spill out one breath at a time as if experiencing a sacred moment. Something to hold on to.
Your skin
Oh, yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
Her voice grew deeper, a longing that hadn’t been there before. A search for something… someone? The lower tones were breathtaking, Yaz staring directly at her perfect face. She didn’t care about anything other than this moment. This one here, with her.
And you know
The Doctor’s eyes opened slowly, meeting Yaz’s, maintaining an intense stare as she sang. Her voice had changed again. The vulnerability in these last few lines… the stripped, raw hope… it was almost like a wish.
You know I love you so
Yaz let out a long breath. She realised why the Doctor had chosen that song. That song for that particular moment, with those particular lyrics. Maybe… just maybe...
You know I love you so
...she meant it. A flurry of movement as Yaz’s arms found their way behind the Doctor’s neck naturally. No more thinking. She was done with thinking. She pulled her closer, the movement causing her to fall into the Doctor’s lap, their faces close, hope in the Doctor’s eyes.
“I love you too you idiot.” Yaz bit her lip smiling, before bringing her face down to the Doctor’s, closing the gap between them. Her lips were soft, perfectly fitted to Yaz’s as if they had been made just for her. The Doctor’s hands found their way into Yaz’s hair, pulling her deeper into the kiss, the intensity making up for the lost time that they had spent pining over one another. Yaz could feel the Doctor smiling against her lips, the movement and cheesiness making her smile in return. They broke apart, much to Yaz’s disappointment as the Doctor started giggling.
“What?” Yaz punched her shoulder, trying to contain her grin.
“You’re Yasmin Khan!” She giggled, her hands still stroking Yaz’s hair softly. “I’m kissing Yasmin Khan!”
“Shut up you idiot.” Yaz’s hand closed around the Doctor’s suspenders, yanking her closer, bridging the distance between their lips in one swift movement. Yaz had imagined this moment so many times, since the day she first laid eyes on the Doctor. Something about the way she looked at Yaz. As if she really saw her. As if she was the most important person in the entire universe. She sighed into the kiss involuntarily, causing another spout of giggles to escape the Doctor’s lips. Fuck, she was cute. She nipped the Doctor’s lip playfully, trying to distract from her accidental sigh. It worked. She felt the Doctor melt into her, her hands grasping at Yaz’s shirt, getting as close to her as physically possible. Yaz had kissed girls before, but never like this. Never with someone she loved as much as she loved the Doctor.
“Is this gonna be our thing now? You calling me an idiot?” The Doctor pulled away, apparently incapable of being quiet for more than three seconds. “Because objectively speaking i'm actually quite sma-” Yaz cut her off again, more forcibly this time, the Doctor’s head hitting the doorframe with a soft thud. The kiss was more frantic than before, no more holding back. She needed the Doctor to understand how she felt. How she wanted to be with her more than anything. How every time she looked at the Doctor it was like coming home. How every inch of her was begging to be close to her, to be touching her. How she thought that the Doctor had the most beautiful, brilliant, maddening mind that she had ever seen. How she was 100% completely and utterly in love with her.
“Mate, I’m from Yorkshire. Calling you an idiot is a fuckin love letter.”