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“Jongseong-ah, I’m sorry.”
Heeseung blinks the tears away before they can reach the cold cement underneath his feet. Jongseong's eyes are dimming: the usual pretty shine is long gone. The wind is taking the beauty away from Jongseong's mesmerizing orbs, and his skin no longer glows in caramel. He looks wrecked, almost at the verge of dying as he lays motionless on the bed. The machine is beeping away in a steady beat, but Heeseung’s heart is breaking into pieces upon seeing the wires are piercing into Jongseong's still-prominent vein. Heeseung hisses absent-mindedly; his skin is prickling upon witnessing countless wires are connected to the latter's body. He looks tired, but there is a small smile on his face. Heeseung recognizes that smile anywhere; a smile that is only for him. He wonders if his heart can shatter even more than he already has.
With much difficulty, Jongseong places his cold palm on Heeseung’s hand. The smile is beautiful, glimmering under the moonlight and Heeseung gulps the invisible lump upon witnessing such heart-wrenching sight. “Do not smile at me like that Jongseong-ah,” He pleads. He pauses and takes a deep breath to ease the sudden whirl hitting his heart all at once. “It hurts.”
Jongseong, his most precious Park Jongseong, is still smiling at him, and this time there is light in his eyes. The beautiful shine of his chocolate orbs are blinding, and Heeseung wants to delve into that magnificence for eternity. Heeseung wants to remember Jongseong just like this; a lovely smile on his face and with those radiant chestnut eyes looking at him with so much adoration. He does not want to remember Jongseong lying on the bed with chapped lips and sunken cheeks and IV drip piercing into his skin. It is a sight that evokes only the painful memories, and Heeseung is selfish. He wants to forget all of them. He only wants to remember the healthy-version of Jongseong, and not this Jongseong; the one that will leave him soon.
Life is full of surprises, and often, not all of them are worth remembering. In Heeseung’s life, Jongseong is a mixture of both. When Jongseong confesses, when Jongseong purposes, and when Jongseong was standing beside him at the aisle: he is a pleasant surprise. He was a wonderful mix of purple, red, yellow and green; he was beautiful. He was a burst of all the good things that Heeseung wants in life. But when Jongseong was diagnosed with lymphoma, Jongseong was hospitalized after sleepless and restless nights and ongoing fever: the younger is a nightmare that terrifies Heeseung to the core.
But Heeseung is still, oh-so-hopelessly in love with Jongseong.
Jongseong wants Heeseung to let him go.
Heeseung’s happiness is Jongseong’s priority, and he knows Heeseung no longer feels the rush when he is with him. As much as it hurts knowing the elder cries himself to sleep every night, it hurts more to know he is the reason behind those precious tears. Both of them are hurting in more ways than one, and if letting go of this marriage can bring happiness to Heeseung once again; Jongseong is willing to set him free. For Jongseong, he wants to see the other bloom and alive like those flowers in spring.
But even after all those trials, Heeseung realizes he only needs Jongseong to be happy, and he wants to be with him until the end of time. He cannot imagine a life without Jongseong. The world will turn bleak, and the colours that Jongseong shines on him will fade away. Jongseong beautifies him, inside and out. Without him, Heeseung will disintegrate.
Then again, time is indefinite and forever is uncertain. Heeseung does not know how long is forever, and how much time he had left with Jongseong. He knows that now is their only chance, and now is sufficient enough for them both. Time is adequate when he is with Jongseong.
“Jongseong-ah,” Heeseung carefully laces their fingers together. Their wedding ring shines under the dim fluorescent light, and Heeseung thinks it is beautiful. It is too beautiful to be forgotten and too wondrous to let go. His heart leaps as he gazes at Jongseong’s face, and he remembers the first day they met. Until this very day, he is still in love with this clumsy, funny, blunt, and kind-hearted Park Jongseong. He is so in love with the younger that it physically hurts his heart and mind. The pain is excruciating, but it will hurt more to leave Jongseong and their memories behind.
“I love you.” Heeseung faintly whispers, and he allows the tears to fall. He ardently kisses Jongseong’s cold knuckles and pecks the wedding band for more than a heartbeat. He looks up to see Jongseong crying along with him. His eyes are shining, and his lips are pink again. As if something is injecting life into Jongseong, he looks healthy and as handsome as ever. Heeseung thinks he is the most beautiful now, and even more beautiful then when they first met.
Heeseung inches closer to Jongseong and wipes the tears away from his pretty eyes. “You do not have to remember anything else, Jongseong-ah. Just remember that I love you,” He smiles, and Jongseong reciprocates. His smile reminds Heeseung of those delicate, purple hyacinths dancing along with the spring wind. Their movements imitate Jongseong's languid steps, and for the nth time, Heeseung is in love anew.
“I will always love you. In this life and our next life; I will always love you, and I will always choose to be with you,"
It is more than enough for Jongseong to take in a long and deep breath of relief. More than enough for Jongseong to smile again before everything turns dark, and all Jongseong can see is Heeseung’s dazzling smile.
He sees Heeseung standing at the same aisle in pristine white and all of his beauty. His smile outshines the yellow-friendly sun. In his hands, there is a small bouquet of purple hyacinths. Jongseong smiles at the sight of those flowers. Bubbles upon bubbles of happiness are erupting in his heart all at once.
He smiles when Heeseung engulfs him in a bone-crushing hug and kisses the crown of his head. Jongseong takes Heeseung's hand delicately and plants a promise on his knuckles. Heeseung holds the flowers in his one hand and intertwines their fingers together with the other. The smile on Jongseong's face blooms even more.
Jongseong ardently kisses Heeseung on the lips, and his cheeks are flushing red almost immediately. He giggles in delight, loving how his body feels healthy again upon seeing the adorable sight of his first and only love.
Jongseong smiles and gazes at the bouquet in his hands.
I forgive you.