Chapter Text
I look down at the fresh cuts laying parallel on my wrists. Dug deep enough for small droplets of blood to form, but shallow enough that it wasn’t a flow of blood. I went overboard this time, too spread out, unlike usual when I’d condense it to a smaller area so my bracelets could hide it. This time, however, there was no way my bracelets would hide all this. I knew getting through school would be fine. Our uniform had long sleeves and it’s not really weird to wear a sweater during class, but during practice, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. Perhaps if I moved around a lot they’d be blurred, and no one would notice? Maybe I use a little bit of my mom’s makeup to try to hide the redness at least? I sat down on my bed with my hands wringing through my hair thinking of ideas of how to hide them. There was no way I could let the others see this, what would they say? Would they be disappointed? No, I can’t handle disappointing them on top of everything else right now. I need to focus and find a way to hide them. I could wear my sweater during practice, but that would be weird right? I never do that. Maybe I tell them I “forgot” my shirt today, but if I don’t roll my sleeves up for receives, would they get suspicious?
Falling backward onto my bed, I pulled at my hair crying over the shame I felt with the idea of the team finding out. Kageyama and Tsukishima would just look down on me like they’re better than me... and let’s be honest, they are. Sugawara, Daichi, and Asahi will probably be worried at first, but then I know the disappointment would become evident on their faces at how worthless I am... and there’s no way I’d be able to survive that, especially when I sometimes question how I’ve survived this long. Yamaguchi might be genuinely worried, but the second he notices Tsukishima’s reaction, I know his reaction would become the same... he looks up to him and respects him after all. Tanaka and Nishinoya would probably just laugh, I know they’re good guys, but they aren’t particularly good when it comes to serious matters outside of volleyball.
I messed up, I seriously messed up going overboard... no matter how good it felt.
Standing back up, I walked to the full body mirror in my room. I looked at myself up and down until my silent tears turn into sobs. I’m so worthless... no matter how much I give, someone is always better, always taller, always ahead of me. Especially Kageyama. It’s like I’m running, but the scenery never changes, just the distance ahead of me Kageyama is, each time it’s further. There was once... one time when we first learned the super quick attack that I thought I could reach out to grab him, but then he just ran further ahead again. There hasn’t been another time yet that I’ve gotten that close. All I want is to be someone to be proud of, I want someone to be proud of me, but I can’t even be proud of myself so why would I expect anyone else to be?
I squeezed my hands into fists, the tension caused my wounds to pull back open a bit allowing fresh droplets of blood to form. Looking at them, then back at the mess I am in the mirror, I grabbed my blade and began to dig deeper into the already drawn lines. I can’t add any more, I’m already going to have a hard time hiding them, but the ones that are already there... I can make them worse.
- The Next Day -
*Alarm Noise*
I groggily open my eyes and turn off my alarm. Time for morning practice and I still haven’t figured out a way to hide my wrist. I stayed up over half the night trying to think of ways, the only plan I could think of was putting a band-aid on it and telling them I burned my arm while I was helping my mom cook. I don’t actually think they’ll believe me, but that’s the best plan I’ve got right now. I climb out of bed, put on my uniform, and place my backpack and gym bag in the hall while I go to the bathroom to brush my hair and teeth. The bags under my eyes have gotten darker and it looks like my face has gotten skinnier too. That’s no surprise though with how little food I can keep down anymore and with how much we practice, I just run all the calories off instantly. It’s okay though, I’m still able to maintain a façade of my old level of energy - even though I don’t contain even half that anymore.
Grabbing my bags, I head out the front door, grab my bike and begin the uphill ride to Karusano High School.
When I arrived, Kageyama had just gotten there as well. He glared at me and then he took off trying to race me. I let him go, I needed to save whatever fake energy I had for practice. There’s no way I could use it now and keep up all day.
“BOKE HINATA BOKE. WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU RACE AFTER ME”. Why Kageyama? Because I’m so tired I hardly have the energy to look at you right now.
“Sorry Kageyama, I didn’t sleep well last night”. That’s not a total lie, but it’s not the total truth either.
“Well, whatever, I won. Let’s get ready for practice”. I’m glad he didn’t pry much further into it.
“Good Morning Everyone”, we both said as we entered the club room.
“Good Morning Hinata, Kageyama”, they all replied. I walked over to the bag storage area in the club room and began changing for practice. I hesitated as I began to change, I have to take my sweater off now. I had this; I practiced the entire ride up the hill how to tell them what happened. I even decided on what we were “making” and exactly how I spilled it on myself in case they started asking questions. I can do this. I. Can. Do. This. I ripped my sweater off as fast as I could without any suspicion to get it over with. Kageyama looked down to say something to me for a minute but then stopped. Did he see the band-aid? Does he know the truth? No. How would he know the truth? There’s no way, right? It’s got to be something else. I look down at the band-aid to check that I covered all the cuts. I did, thank goodness. There’s a little spot of blood on it though, I hope they don’t mind much attention to it...
“Hey…Hinata?”, Kageyama’s voice was soft, like I was the only one meant to hear it.
“Hm, Kageyama?” Keeping a calm composure is nearly impossible in this situation, I could feel my voice quiver. There’s no way. I feel like I’m sweating through my clothes and practice hasn’t even started yet!
“Um, this might seem odd.” Crap, here it comes. He’s got me figured out; I can’t do this. Not if he knows. “But, could I stay over tonight?” Wait, WHAT?
“Wha- What? Why?” So, does this have nothing to do with me? Oh, my goodness, that’s a load off.
“Um, it’s a long weekend and I thought that it’d be nice to practice with you and since I live so far away it’d be easier for me to stay?” The tips of his ears are turning red, is he embarrassed!?
“Oh, um, Y-yeah sure Kageyama!” Crap, Natsu and mom are going out of town this weekend, so I was going to use this weekend alone to... no never mind. This is fine. This is good. It’ll help me take my mind off things.
“O-okay. I’ll head home right after practice to get my stuff and then head over. Is that alright?” Man, Kageyama sure is acting weird right now.
“Sure Kageyama!” I said putting in the same energy as I used to is so hard, but I’ve got to make sure no one finds out, “that’s fine with me!” They’d be so disgusted if they knew how I’d changed...
Morning practice went on pretty easily actually. Sugawara asked about my arm, and I told him the lie I came up with and he believed it! I couldn’t believe that he fell for it, I was sure he could see right through me, but he just told me to be careful next time and then no one else said anything about it. It was such a relief.
Classes went by fine too, no one noticed anything, even when I kept itching it. It’s the worst when they get itchy because the only thing to fix them is to trace them deeper but they’re always itchy at times when I can’t do that.
Afternoon practice, however, didn’t go as smoothly as I’d hoped for. I was starting to wear out as I hadn’t had a meal that day yet - I usually try to eat at home so my parents don’t know that I’m not eating more than one meal a day - and it felt like everyone could tell. Putting that aside, I pushed through, that is until the sweat off my body and constant receives weakened the adhesive on my band-aid and part came off, showing the delicate parallel lines traced along my wrist.
“Hi…Hinata...” Kageyama’s face screamed pity.
“What?” The look of pity made me so mad that my body got even hotter, I stared at him expecting him to say something about my form, or being slow, or not good enough, but that wasn’t what I was met with.
“Your- Your band-aid... your arm...” Kageyama hesitated. No, no, no, no, NO! This can’t be. I look down and saw my cuts exposed for all to see. Everyone was looking at me. How did they notice so quickly? The Band-Aid couldn’t have fallen off too long ago! I could feel their eyes on me still even though I was just continued staring at my arm in deep terrifying fear.
“Hinata-”, Both Daichi and Sugawara started as they walked towards me cautiously. No, I’m not listening. I can already hear the disappointment in their voices. No. No. I can’t. I can’t do this. I-I can’t. I finally looked back up at Kageyama and noticed that tears had begun to fall from his eyes. What, why? No, no... and with that, I ran.
I could hear the others yell for me but there was no way that I could stop and turn around. I didn’t even stop to grab my stuff from the club room, I just ran to my bike and began the downhill ride home.
As I rode, tears swelled in my eyes, by the time I arrived home, I could hardly see anymore. I managed to get to my room, thankfully and locked it behind me as I crouched down against the door burying my face in my hands sobbing. I can’t go back to practice. I can’t. Not now that they know. I have to drop out, transfer schools, something. I can’t see them anymore!
After a few moments of spiraling, I crawled over to my mirror and sat in front of it. I looked at what I had become. Dark bags under my eyes, you could see my collarbones and ribs protruding from my skin. I looked down at my arm, to see the freshly scabbed over cuts as well as the faint scars of the old ones. Those scars weren’t only on my wrist, they covered my body anywhere I thought I could hide them. Just... it always felt better when I’d do it on my wrist... I stared at them for what felt like thirty minutes and then I grabbed the blade from the drawer it was hidden in. No one’s home. It’s now or never.
I looked down and saw how faint the new cut had been. I’m too scared I whimpered to myself in the mirror. So scared. I pulled out a bottle from the same drawer that the blade was hidden in. Sake. Not just that, but the cheapest and strongest you can find. Thank goodness for having friends with older siblings. I took a deep breath while opening the bottle. Perhaps this will help me feel less scared. I took the first sip. Crap this is gross. I took another breath, I don’t care how gross, finish it. So, I did exactly that.
I finished the bottle. At first, I felt a little weird and tasted really gross, but then it wasn’t too bad, and after that, I don’t remember much. It just feels like a vague memory. I know I picked the blade back up, shaking, I pushed it down onto my wrist. I remember that no matter how hard I pushed I couldn’t feel the pressure against my wrist, so I began to glide it. I remember a pinch and then after that, I didn’t feel anything at all. I repeated the process a total of three times. Three deep gashes were lined across my wrist, I barely remember watching as I had finally achieved a beautiful flow of blood leaving my veins. What I don’t remember, however, is texting the volleyball group chat.
~Hinata: Guys. ~
~Kageyama: Hinata! Are you okay? ~
~Sugawara: Hinata, we’re here for you whenever you’re ready~
~Nishinoya: I’m not really good with feelings, but I can help you distract yourself from the feelings!
~Tanaka: Yeah dude, your senpais are always here for you!
~Tsukishima: Don’t do anything stupid.
~Sugawara: Can you have a little more tact at this moment Tsukishima?
~Hinata: Kaaaa Kageyamaaa I lve yo. I sorri I donttt say. Goooodbyyyeeee evryon~
~Kageyama: HINATA?! What do you mean goodbye? ~
~Sugawara: Hinata, where are you?
~Daichi: Hinata are you safe?
~Hinata: I’m scarddddd~
~Kageyama: scar? Or scared? ~
~Hinata: P p plese hlp me...~
~Hinata: *send very shaky photo of the blood flowing down his arm~
~Yamaguichi: What’s happening right now?
~Nishinoya: Uh, Hinata?
~Asahi: Please be okay…
~Sugawara: does anyone know where he lives?
~Kageyama: I do.
~Sugawara: Let’s go check his house Kageyama. Everyone else, start looking for him nearby.
~Daichi: I’m worried about him
Sitting on the floor leaning against my bed I watched myself in the mirror. I saw the disgusting, worthless, disappointment I had become, and then black spots began flowing around and eventually I closed my eyes. That was the last clear thing I remember. However, at some point, I do have a vague memory of seeing the door to my bedroom open and Kageyama standing there. I couldn’t see the look on his face, but I whispered, “I’m sorry”.