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no he did not love you.
he just so happened to hear your thoughts in class and was annoyed enough to talk to you. screaming voices. word of hatred. they all perturbed into his own head.
he did not love you.
(hell, he didn’t even like you)
he started going up to talk to you because you were annoying him with your thoughts. he didn’t wait a few days to see if your thoughts that day were a one time thing. because he had no patience and had to do it now because he was annoyed.
(that’s what he said and that’s what he believes.)
when you looked at him with those dull and lifeless eyes, he did not feel a twitch in his heart for you. no. he definitely did not. he did not flinch when you’re thoughts turned darker. he did not. so when you thought about guns, knives, and pills; he exchanged words with you.
not because he cared.
he exchanged some pleasantries with you. you would ask him about his friends, she noticed how different the group was. he exasperatedly stared at certain bright haired students. they were waving wildly at him. he heard light laughter. gone with the wind though, gone with a blink.
he did not care.
he just wanted your thoughts to die down.
so he did just that.
he’d shoo away his dear friends so he would walk you home. you had been surprised. those dull and lifeless eyes seemed so happy. for a second. then you smiled bitterly and thought the darkest of thoughts. so he’d take you to that ramen shop.
he just wanted your thoughts to die down.
they made talk, you tried to be happy as you picked at your food. he’d narrow his eyes. he put his hand on yours as you blinked up at him.
he didn’t care.
not at all.
but suddenly, that one day turned into a week, that week turned into months, and now you regularly hung out with him and his friends. you smiled lots more. your thoughts had gone quiet when you hung out with him.
he felt at peace.
(only for the quiet thoughts. of course.)
everyone had already left from a hang out at saiki’s house when you’d stay in his room instead of leaving. he understood and let you do it.
(not because he cared or anything)
suddenly without warning, a single image projected into his. he looked back at her. she was staring at the ceiling as the barren would stare back at you. she smiled happily, not any different from with their friends.
“one day saiki.”
she turned back to face her one friend.
“one day i’ll die.”
he looked at her from across the bed. her body sitting on the edge. her body relaxed and carefree. she seemed perfectly normal if it wasn’t for her thoughts.
“one day i’ll die. and you’ll have to think about how you’d cope with it.”
he sat in heavy silence.
why would she SAY that.
why is she thinking that.
why are you saying this ?
he didn’t care.
“alright,” he replied.
(he ignored the way his voice would’ve trembled if he spoke aloud. )
she giggled as she got up. breathily saying her goodbyes, she left. she left him. he should probably look after her as she walked home. (only for her safety) maybe he should wait by her house to make sure she wouldn’t do anything. (not because he cared but because it’d be a bother to be affiliated with that.)
but he did not love you.
so he did not follow.
because love was something complex.
something that could entrap someone.
something that could steal people away.
and he did not know love.
the next day, teruhashi ran up to him crying. wailing about the girl with lifeless eyes. how you were-
(he didn’t care. he didn’t care. he didn’t. he didn’t he didn’t he didn’t he didn’t-)
he peered into the classroom. no hair that looked like hers. no hunched over figure on your desk. he didn’t process the way the thoughts plaguing his head were silenced in one single second. the way he could only hear ringing in his ears. he didn’t process his friends’ wails and cries. his feet were stuck in place.
his mind had come to a stop. as he realized that he could no longer hear her degrading thoughts. he couldn’t hear her. he couldn’t...
(why why why WHY WHY WHY WHY-)
...
he didn’t love you.
he did what he could to keep you alive.
he did what he did because he couldn’t stand your thoughts.
he hated you.
(it’s what he said and what he believes.)
(he’d never admit he blinked away the tears that formed in his eyes when he even thought of that notion)
it was only on her funeral did he realize.
maybe love is what she needed.
(the way she’d smile like that just for him)
(the way she was always holding onto him in some way)
(the way she looked at him as if he was the most important thing to her-)
maybe he did love you.
(he didn’t know. he didn’t feel much of anything.)
maybe.
maybe he did love you.
maybe he did care about you.
maybe he cared about that graceful smile that appeared on your lips. maybe he loved you when you’d put up the breathy persona. maybe he wanted to pull down that wall. push it behind you two. hold your hands that always seemed drooping. give you the strength to live. maybe. maybe. maybe.
(but he did not know, for he has never loved anyone other than his family.)
(and his first chance to let in love was ripped from him)
so.
he decided.
he didn’t love you.
(he’d say this to himself. when he looked at your vacant desk, decorated with flowers.)
(he’d say this as he looked at your dead body at the funeral.)
(he’d say this as he looked at your tombstone.)
(he’d say this as he hunched over your grave and let the flowers in his hands burn with his pyrokinesis.)
(he’d say this as he lie in his bed and berated himself for not doing more.)
(he’d say this as he tried to comfort his friends over your death, ignoring the dull and heavy pain in his chest.)
“one day i’ll die. and you’ll have to think about how you’d cope with it.”
he did not love you.
not at all.