Chapter Text
The kind of loneliness Kyungsoo felt was different at night when he laid blinking up out the window and to the city lights that reminded him of nothing from home. The bustle below his apartment on the sixth floor couldn’t be heard in detail. There was the occasional honking of horns, the muted buzz of music. Nothing distinguishable, which made everything seem more distant than anything else. As he’d thought, city life wasn’t meant for him. From the beginning this had all been Baekhyun’s dream, to be in the center of it all and away from the predictability that was suburban life. It was a shame, really. While Kyungsoo couldn’t exactly pin guilt as the emotion that swirled in his chest during nights like these, he did know it would have been better if it were Baekhyun here instead of him. Better for the both of them.
It wasn’t cold but he brought the covers up to his chin anyway. Sometimes it was hard to sleep with all the flickering lights. Still, he hated the idea of closing the curtains. It made him feel more alone.
As always, Kyungsoo thought of calling Baekhyun. Even the sound of his voice would soothe him. It was more than familiarity, and although it had taken some time he could admit it now, that he missed him. Of course he did. His best friend, but even more his first love, who taught him to dream and to want more than he’d ever known he could. Time and place hadn’t worked out for them, but sometimes Kyungsoo wondered how things would have been if they had. Could they have loved each other? If he’d called, would he have answered?
In spite of everything, the phone that sat just in line of his blurry vision shone in the city lights. He had his number there. If he had the courage, he could pick it up and call. They could talk again, for the first time in months. It would be awkward, no doubt, but maybe there would be warmth in time. Maybe they could start over.
Kyungsoo had never been courageous. He preferred to observe the current rather than take part in it. Baekhyun used to mock his fear and push him into stepping out of comfort, more often than not putting him in situations he would kill to get out of. But all of them were good memories now. And if he hadn’t been that way, Kyungsoo would have never gotten to this place.
It was Baekhyun who he should credit for it all. Again, he felt that tug in his stomach. And for what wasn’t the first time on a sleepless night like this he wondered, did Baekhyun hate him?
If only he was drunk right now. Yet his hand was reaching out to take the phone. Before he could talk himself out of it, with the impulse that only a person who should be sleeping could have, he dialed his number.
The tense period of wait as he listened to the rings lasted long enough for him to realize he wouldn’t be picking up. Of course not. It was late, or he was probably busy, or Kyungsoo was just making excuses to comfort the ache in his chest as he heard Baekhyun’s voice in the recorded message. He hung up.
What he didn’t expect was a minute later, the phone ringing with Baekhyun’s name blinking on the screen.
“...Hello?”
“I... got your call.”
“Oh.” Kyungsoo’s throat felt dry at that familiar voice. He sat up and fumbled for the glass of water on the night stand, but before taking a sip managed, “I didn’t expect you to call back.”
“I can hang up if you want,” Baekhyun offered jokingly.
“No, um.”
After a beat, Baekhyun broke the silence. “Why did you call?”
Not: why did you call in the middle of the night?
Not: why did you call after so many months?
Not even: why did you call, you god damn bastard?
Just why did you call, and Kyungsoo wasn’t sure either. Was it okay to tell the truth? Did he have that kind of courage?
Somehow, through the silence, he knew Baekhyun would wait for him to answer. Even if it took forever. Through the quiet he could almost hear him say, ‘It’s okay. You can tell me. I’m okay.’
“I missed you,” he admitted. He put down the glass he’d downed until it was half-full, looking at his hand where it rested on his blanket. Pale even with the colored lights. With the lack of immediate response he had time to squeeze his hand into a fist and let go again, spread his fingers out and bring them together.
“Why?”
“I don’t know,” he said, heart sinking. That one word in reply was enough for him to know Baekhyun didn’t miss him. It was in his voice. He didn’t care, was only pretending to. “Never mind,” he said. Then, again, “Never mind.”
“It’s been months,” Baekhyun said before he could hang up. “I mean, a year, even. Why would you miss me now?”
“It wasn’t just now.” The words tumbled out impulsively.
“I don’t understand.”
Didn’t he? Kyungsoo wasn’t sure how he could make it any more obvious. Baekhyun must be playing with him. Because he knew he was pathetic and scared of saying anything that could be used against him. Still, his voice was caramel, so familiar and sweet in the memories it held that Kyungsoo wanted to fall for his games. Like how it was before. Get tricked into taking a risk and leaping into an inconceivable opportunity. Baekhyun, always pushing him to jump.
“I always miss you,” Kyungsoo whispered like a breath. He was barely committed to saying it but of course Baekhyun caught it anyway.
“Why? You avoided talking to me. You ignored my texts. Ever since you got scouted to be an idol and I...”
“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo said. Because he couldn’t excuse his actions by saying that he felt guilty and couldn’t face him. For him to succeed when Baekhyun didn’t, especially when it was Baekhyun who had pushed him to audition with him in the first place...
“I was happy for you.” His voice on the other end had weakened to a plea. “And I never heard from you. You shut me out. I thought you forgot about me. But now you’re saying you missed me?”
He hated him, didn’t he? It was justified. Kyungsoo closed his eyes. “I’m sorry. It was my fault. I wish I’d never been chosen. I wish it was you.”
“That’s not what I was saying.”
“But you’re thinking it, aren’t you?” Kyungsoo shot back. “It was your dream.”
“I haven’t lost yet,” Baekhyun said firmly. The sureness in his voice was real, and it was so achingly like him to believe he would succeed without an ounce of a doubt that his words stopped Kyungsoo in his tracks. “It sucks that I wasn’t chosen. But I’m happy that you were. Maybe you didn’t want to be an idol but you wanted to be a singer, and now you get to do that. I still have everything ahead of me. I can still be what I want to be... so I’m not thinking that it should have been me.”
Baekhyun continued, “Did you ignore me for that? Because you felt sorry to me?”
“I...”
“I’d hate it,” Baekhyun interrupted quietly, “if that was why you did.”
Kyungsoo couldn’t say anything to that. Because Baekhyun already knew.
“You missed me,” Baekhyun said after a beat.
Kyungsoo swallowed. “Yeah.”
“And?”
What else was there for him to say? It was like Baekhyun was prodding for something he knew existed, something Kyungsoo wasn’t even sure of himself. “I don’t...”
“What else? You miss me, and now what?”
Was he asking where he wanted to go with this? To be friends again, or to part ways after receiving closure?
Of everything Kyungsoo could have said, “Are you mad at me?” was not supposed to be one of them.
The surprised laughter that followed wasn’t exactly sweet. “Yeah, of course I’m mad at you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t know if I can forgive you. But don’t wait for me, it’s fine.”
“I love you.”
Those painful words that followed cutting sarcasm seemed to grow a flower in his chest. It was real before but it became nearly tangible once he’d said it.
Distantly, he registered the honking of horns and muted music below, the flashing of city lights outside.
Baekhyun’s reply was short. “Don’t say that shit like you mean it.”
Without a goodbye, the line cut off, dead.