Chapter Text
Before I start this story, let me tell you a little about our mutual friend Bilbo Baggins. She was a gentle hobbit lady, all proper like her father Bungo Baggins but she had an adventure streak in her just like her mother Belladonna Took ne Baggins. You see, Belladonna was one of the three great daughters of the Thain of the Shire. She was quite the adventuress in her younger days. Traveled across Middle Earth before returning and settling with the respectable Bungo. Everyone in the Shire was quite surprised because she wasn't proper and he was. But it worked out for them and he built her a smial (with some of her money, I might add) and they had one child, Bella Baggins who insisted being called Bilbo. Just past her majority, Bilbo lost both her mother and father during the Fell Winter which was when the Water froze over and the wolves came. Unfortunately, Belladonna, Bungo, and Bilbo were out and were attacked. Rangers came in time to save Bilbo but her parents perished. Bilbo was only 33 at the time and had to fight her nasty cousin Lobelia Sackville-Baggins to keep Bag-End. She won and she spent the rest of her days there…
…Until a wizard showed up on her front porch not long after her 50th birthday.
“Good morning.” Bilbo greeted while smoking her pipe on a most beautiful morning in the Shire.
“What do you mean?” The wizard asked. “Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good on this morning; or that this is a morning to be good of?”
Bilbo got quite flustered.
“All of them I suppose.” She said still smoking her pipe a little bit harder.
“I am looking for someone to share an adventure.” The wizard said.
“Adventure!” Bilbo exclaimed. “Nasty things they are! No one around here would be interested in such a thing! Makes one late for dinner.”
The wizard looked at Bilbo under his bushy white eyebrows and smiled. Now Bilbo started feeling uncomfortable under the scrutiny and shifted uneasily. She tried to act like he was no longer there and went and retrieved her mail and paid the wizard no mind. She shuffled through letters and could feel the gaze still upon her.
“Good morning!” She squeaked as she stumbles up her small path.
“To think I lived to be good morninged by Belladonna Took’s daughter as if I was selling buttons at the door!” The wizard said.
“Gandalf? Gandalf! Good gracious! Not the wondering wizard who created so many wonderful fireworks at the Old Took’s Midsummer Eve gathering? Those were wonderful! Becoming lilies and snapdragons and laburnums of fire in the sky and creating such a lovely picture at twilight!” Here you see she is not as quite prosy as she would think after all these years.
“I’m glad you remember something of me even if it’s my fireworks.” Gandalf says. “Well, I shall go inform the others.”
“O-others?” Bilbo asked confused.
“Yes. Those who are on this adventure I have put together.” Gandalf says.
“Sorry! I don’t want any adventures, thank you! But come to tea if you have the time! Come tomorrow! Good bye!” And with that our Miss Baggins walked into the house and slammed her round, green door shut. She also missed the amused expression Gandalf had.
Bilbo placed her pipe away and made her a calming cup of tea. She was quite flustered properly now after talking with the wizard. While she was consumed drinking her tea and going about her smial, she failed to hear like something scratching at her door. And no, it was neither a cat nor dog but Gandalf carving a symbol into her door with the end of his staff. Then he smiled and went on his merry way.
The next day, all the talk of adventure and Gandalf had flown from her mind. Usually, she would have marked something like ‘Gandalf, tea, Wednesday’ somewhere but, as you imagine, she didn't and was quite unprepared for what happened her that night as she sat for supper.
As she was about to eat her supper of fish and rolls, a knock was heard. She sighed and stood and tied her robe tightly around her. Opening the door, she nearly squeaked. A dwarf was at her door! A dwarf, of all creatures! He was tall, wide, and was bald. He had two axes on his back and had dark markings on his head. The dwarf had a scowl on his face but bowed politely.
“Dwalin at your service.” He said gruffly.
“Bilbo Baggins at yours.” She said still a little frightened. “I am about to have supper. Would you like to join me?”
“I would appreciate it, laddie. I have traveled from the Blue Mountains.” Dwalin says. Bilbo lets him come in and has no idea what to say. For one, she didn't expect she would invite him to share her supper or why he called her a lad! She was certainly not a lad even though she might look it!
You see, Bilbo had shorter hair than the other lady hobbits and had always preferred it that way. She also wore baggy like shirts and trousers instead of dresses and skirts the others hobbit ladies wore. At least she did when she was inside her own home.
She and Dwalin walked into her dining room and he sat at the small table. Bilbo gave him her plate and fixed her another. They ate it silence until another knock was heard.
“Would you mind getting it while I place on some cloths seeing I’m to entertain visitors?” Bilbo asks sheepishly. Dwalin nodded and went to the door while Bilbo all but fled to her bedroom.
She placed on her trousers and then bound her breasts. She placed on a white shirt that hid her lady figure and walked back to the kitchen to see a dwarf with white hair and a
white build to match. He smiled at her with a friendly twinkle in his eyes.
“Balin at your service.”
“Bilbo Baggins at yours.”
Then the two started talking about the others arriving (and Bilbo spluttered but they paid her no mind) and began raiding her pantry and moving her table! She protested but the dwarves was too busy talking to the other (this is how she found out they were brothers) but was cut off as another knock was heard. She ran a hand through her short curls and
walked to the door and opened it.
Two dwarves were at her door this time and they each wore bright smiles.
“Fili…” He was blonde and had a small beard.
“And Kili…” He had some dark stubble and hair to match.
“At your service!” They said in unison.
“You must be Mr. Boggins!” Kili said.
“Baggins. It’s Bilbo Baggins…at your service.” Bilbo said.
They walked in and handed weapons to her.
“Careful. They've just been sharpened.” Fili warned. Then Dwalin came out and guided the boys to the kitchen. Bilbo sat down the weapons and leaned against the wall and let out a frustrated sigh.
‘Damn that Gandalf! Inviting all theses dwarves to my home! And telling them she was a he! Oh wait until I see him again!’ She thought angrily.
She didn't have long until a louder knock was heard. She, in her anger, yanked opened the door and several dwarves fell on top of her! A dwarf with a sweat smile and wearing knitted mittens helped her to her feet and apologized several times until she waved him off. They all introduced themselves to her.
There was Dori (A dwarf who had his silver hair elegantly done, married to Balin), Nori (his brother who was a thief, she found out and married to Bofur), and Ori (the youngest of them and the one who helped her off the floor). Also was Oin (almost death in one ear and had a ear trumpet) and his younger brother Gloin (he had the reddest hair Bilbo had ever seen and she had only seen red hair once when a Ranger wondered into the Shire during Fell Winter!). There was the Ur family: Bifur (had an ax in the head and could only speak the secret language of the dwarves but could understand Common) and his cousins Bofur and Bombur. They was brothers and Bofur wore a funny hat and had a smile on his face the whole time and Bombur was quite round.
She lead them all to her dining room and they sat at her large table Dwalin and Balin had pulled in there. She sat on a stool in the corner having lost her appetite. Gandalf sat at the head of the table smoking his pipe watching the dwarves in amusement.
The dwarves was talking loudly, throwing food at one another, belching of all things, and just being, well, rude. Bilbo felt the tiniest bit disgusted at it all but kept her mouth shut firmly. Gandalf then looked at her with an eyebrow raised.
“*What is the matter, Bilbo?*” Gandalf asks in the secret language of the hobbits.
“*Do you not see them? Rude, the lot of em!*” Bilbo huffed crossing her arms.
“*They are being merry, my friend, after a long journey from the Blue Mountains.*” Gandalf said chuckling.
“*Why are they here, Gandalf?*” Bilbo asks.
“*Enjoying a wonderful meal.*” Gandalf says smiling with mischief glinting in his eyes.
“*Wizards.*” Bilbo huffed irritated.
Then she saw that Nori fellow and Bofur having a fight with her knives.
“Careful! You’ll blunt them!” She said her voice going just the tiniest bit higher.
“You hear that, lad? We’ll blunt the knives.” Bofur said his smile turning mischievous.
“Blunt the knives…” Fili started singing.
“Bend the forks.” Kili joined in.
Then they all did.
“That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates!” Several dwarves sing laughing wildly.
They sing and threw her mother’s china through the air and caused Bilbo to splutter and turn red and chase after them and all while keeping up the ridiculous singing! The song mentioned cracking plates and chipping glasses and all this horrible things! Of course, they did nothing the song said and when they stopped, her dishes was stacked neatly and cleaned. The dwarves laughed at her flustered face making the hobbit lass mad.
All laughter stopped at a loud, single bang on her door rang through her smial.
“He’s here.” Gandalf said solemnly. The others lost their smiles as the door was opened revealing a majestic looking dwarf with dark hair streaked with silver and dressed in furs.
“Bilbo, this is the leader of this Quest King Thorin Oakenshield.” Gandalf says.
“So this is the burglar. Looks more like a grocer.” Thorin says his voice deep. That comment made Bilbo snap.
“Why I never! I let your friends and you into my home for a nice supper and you insult me! Oh, I should smack you for that and I have half a mind to do it anyway! How dare you, you arrogant pig-headed dwarf!” Bilbo shouts angrily. Then her anger mounts and she continues in Hobbitish. “*I should just kick you all out on your asses right now and hope the wolves get to you all! Rude, stupid dwarves!*”
“Bilbo Baggins, that is enough! What would Belladonna think of you speaking like that? And to guests, no doubt!” Gandalf scolds.
Bilbo takes a few calming breathes and looks at the stunned look on Thorin’s face. She turns and sees the others are just as shocked as Thorin. If she wasn’t still angry, she would
be embarrassed but she was and she wasn't.
“There should be some food left if you’re hungry, Master Oakenshield.” Bilbo said her anger seeping away.
Thorin nods and Dwalin shows him to the dining room. Everyone takes their seats and Bilbo’s about to join them when Gandalf holds her back.
“*If you decide to go on this quest…don’t look at me like that! As I was saying, if you do, you will need to keep your gender a secret.*” Gandalf says.
“*Why?*” Bilbo asks.
“*You are essential to this quest but the dwarves are, let us say, protective of the opposite gender and would very well make sure you did not sign. Once we are a certain distance, then you may reveal it.*” Gandalf says.
“*Essential? Me? But I am nothing but a gentle hobbit.*” Bilbo says.
“You are everything but, Bilbo Baggins.” Gandalf says with a chuckle. The two walk into the dining room just for Thorin to be done eating.
“I think I should like for someone to explain this quest to me.” Bilbo said sitting on her stool.
“You have not told him of this, wizard?” Thorin asks narrowing his eyes.
“No. I shall do that now.” Gandalf said. With that, he pulled a map and key out of his robes and handed them to Thorin. “You father gave these to me to give to you.”
“This is of the Lonely Mountains.” Thorin said.
“Lonely Mountains?” Bilbo asked her curiosity peeked.
“Yes. Home of my father and grandfather before me. We lived there for years, mining gold from deep within the mountain. Great halls were built inside and homes and markets made from the walls. There is where my grandfather was King and ruled. Then the dragon came and we was driven from our home and forced to work to survive.” Thorin says.
“Dragon?” Bilbo squeaked.
“Aye. Just think furnace with wings. Melt skin off your bones.” Bofur said smiling pleasantly.
“I know what a dragon is!” Bilbo says her voice a little less squeaky.
“Balin, show him the contract.” Thorin orders. Balin takes out a rolled up parchment and hands it over to Bilbo. It unravels and Bilbo scans over it.
“’Fourteenth share if any…funeral arrangements…” Bilbo mumbles as she read. “Incineration…”
She read it all twice before fetching a quill and signing her name in the space reserved for their bugler. Later, she would blame her Took side for making her do such a thing but at the moment, she was pleased with herself. She rolled it back up and handed it to Thorin.
“Welcome to the Company.” Balin says taking the contract and placing it back into his coat. Bilbo nods.
“We leave at dawn. Get some sleep.” Thorin says.
“I have a few rooms if you wish. Gandalf, the bigger room should be alright for you. I’m afraid the rest of you will have to bunk up. Some of you may stay out here.” Bilbo says.
Dori, Nori, and Ori took one room while Fili, Kili, and Thorin took the other. Gandalf stayed in the remaining room and the others found places in the living room and hallway. While they found places, Bilbo left and went to her neighbors, Old Gamgee. She knocked and his wife Belle answered the door and smiled instantly at her.
“Bilbo, come in!” Belle said happily.
She led her to the living room where Old Gamgee was reading a book. He looked up and smiled when he saw her.
“Hello, Miss Baggins.” He said.
“Gamgee, I came to ask you for a favor.” Bilbo says.
“Anything.” Old Gamgee says smiling.
“I am to leave on an adventure tomorrow and I may not return. If I don’t, make sure the Sackville-Bagginses do not get Bag-End. Deliver my will to the Thain after about a month.” Bilbo says.
Both Old Gamgee and Belle looked surprised but not at all shocked.
“Always knew you’d be like your mother, Bilbo. I will do as you ask, don’t you worry. No Sackville-Baggins shall get your smial.” Old Gamgee says standing.
He pulls Bilbo into a hug and soon Belle is throwing her arms around her as well. When they pulled apart, Belle was close to tears and Old Gamgee smiled sadly.
“We’ll miss you, Bilbo.” Belle says.
“I’ll miss you, too.” Bilbo said. With a last hug to them both, Bilbo walked back to her home.