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This feeling of wanting to love and be loved was a desire that kept igniting in dreams. But for Nakyum, would finding someone to share this intense feeling of affection be a whim that would soon burn out so quickly? He laid on his bed so still, his eyes fixated at the center of his ceiling in the dark. It was an indescribable feeling to be laying there in the midst of comfort only to think that it was rather lonely. He closed his eyes for a moment before imagining himself in the warmth of someone’s arms. Was there any way that he could explain how he wanted to be in love with someone, but that the chances are so slim because fear drove him insane? It was unsettling.
Nakyum sat up from his bed and took a long look at the alarm clock by his bedside. The lights outlining the numbers were so bright, it basically lit up the entire room. Then suddenly he felt a pounding headache coming. He brought his hand up to his head and grunted to express this discomforting pain. There was no way he could possibly sleep now.
He grabbed his blanket and phone before making his way to the small couch sitting in the living room. Nakyum draped the blanket over himself and woke his phone screen. It unlocked to the messaging app that had been running in the background. Text messages were sent back and forth between him and someone who he has been so foolishly fond of.
“Seungho.” Nakyum whispered to himself within the emptiness of his own home. His voice even shivered from saying his name. He stared at his screen for the longest time with this urge to go see him. Would he be able to do that anyway? But figuring that it was hours past midnight, it was impossible. So he couldn’t resist himself to send a message instead.
“I hope you’re sleeping well,” was what he sent. He scrolled up to reread his past conversations with Seungho because that’s what made him feel happy. But if you were to genuinely ask Nakyum right now about how he felt for the other, he would refuse to answer. If you wanted to hear him talk about Seungho, it’d probably work best if you thought the older had ill intentions. Because if you took a look at him, how could someone so handsome actually be sincere with his feelings and emotions? Then you would have to sit through Nakyum firing defensively at you because for him, he chose to love Seungho.
There are many qualities to Seungho that many people don’t seem to know about. Nakyum always had this eagerness to tell them that he is worth more than what they see. He’s someone who is so carefree, but he looks after Nakyum so well. There are times when people would comment that he looked as though he had a habit of neglecting everyone around him, but he’s actually so loyal. There are just so many people that don’t know him at all and in many cases, that’s what makes Nakyum so special. He knows Seungho like the back of his hand. He knows Seungho can be so affectionate and on top of it all, he can be super sensitive. It’s hard for people to believe this because they simply can’t understand that someone who is presumably emotionless can be like this too.
Everything more about Seungho captivates Nakyum. But from the looks of it, could Nakyum be so blinded by his obsession with being in love that he can’t see how his relationship with Seungho can have adverse consequences?
Everything he knows about Seungho is leveled so closely on the surface. Of course, Nakyum would describe his love to be beautiful and safe. He imagined so many times before that he could express his love poetically because for him, being validated through a string of tender words gets him drunk. But could he ever say the same thing about Seungho?
The dreadfulness of everyone’s unanimous opinions got to Nakyum all at once. The sheer panic glossed over his hopeless eyes for a second before his deepening heart was filled once again so quickly with love for Seungho. Because despite having some of those reflective moments to himself where he would be in denial about how he felt for the older, he’s gonna let himself love Seungho.
Only until he gets to meet Seungho again and until the moment Nakyum finally confesses to him, only then would he realize that he’s the one giving love a chance again. There would be nowhere to run to. No place to hide or escape. Nakyum would then only hope that the love flourishing between them would stay just as beautiful as he hoped.
“Be careful,” they would tell him. “It’s dangerous.”
But no matter what they say, Nakyum would still let himself love Seungho anyway.