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“Well, alright, alright, alright dust devils. If you’ve been listening along properly then you know that it’s just about time for everyone’s favourite part of the day…” Vaya pressed a button on the soundboard, releasing a canned flourish of music that a caller had once called a trumpet. “It’s time for Vaya’s opinion!”
Behind xem, Helen chuckled. She was up to her elbows in a planter that she’d coerced (nicely asked) Vaya to help her carry inside, complaining that it was “Hotter than me outside today!” Dirt was scattered in little piles over the table she stood at, fragments of green… things on top of each one. Vaya didn’t really get plants, but xe knew that they made Helen happy, and who was xe to say no to xyr best girl?
“Now callers lately have been asking, ‘O, great Vaya, supreme understander of all things, what do the new restrictions on full-body contact mean for this season’s glitchtag tournament?’ Worry not, dear listeners, it doesn’t mean shit! As long as the umperee doesn’t catch you, that is. Other opinions that I’ve been asked for lately include, but are not limited to… Yes, bringing up a mostly-honest mistake someone made six years ago is a dick move and if you got punched you probably deserved it. No, you should not lick a cactus. Yes, you should stop asking me if licking cacti is a good idea. The pants that my twin was seen wearing to Hyper Thrust three nights ago are ugly and they should stop wearing them and the identical-except-for-the-different-colour pair that I have are cute and make my ass look great.”
“I’ll agree with that,” added Helen.
Vaya peeked over xyr shoulder, flashing xyr girlfriend a grin.
“Oh! If any sharp-eared tuners-in caught that commentary from our lovely Blessed Helen, that brings me to my most important opinions that I need your opinion on!”
Something rustled behind Vaya, but xe didn’t turn to see it.
“It’s my opinion that skeet shooting off the top of the metal whirlyslide north of the city is a fun and appropriate date—”
“And it’s my opinion—” Helen suddenly grabbed the microphone from Vaya, resting her hand on xyr shoulder to roll them away from the soundboard “—that any date that involves weapons, explosions, and being six stories from the ground with no harness can be considered an assassination attempt.”
Helen passed the mic back and pressed a kiss to the tip of Vaya’s nose. Xe closed xyr eyes, pushing up to barely graze xyr lips against Helen’s before she stood up fully and retreated to her planter.
“So, beloved listeners, it’s up to you in the great Vaya-and-Helen-Date-Debate of probably-2035. Am I a fantastic and resourceful date-planner, or is my beautiful girlfriend correct and I need to invest in some safety gear before I’m allowed to choose date night? Call in with your opinion now, and let’s hear what you have to say! I’ll start fielding calls after a classic, here’s Extra Strength Caplet, off of Analog Queen and the Thunder Giants’ EP, Sand in My Eye.”
The track started up with a push of a button, and Vaya slid xyr headphones off, spinning around in xyr chair to grin at Helen.
“They’re gonna think I’m right,” xe sing-songed, gliding across the floor on the wheels of xyr chair.
Helen laughed, pressed a kiss to Vaya’s cheek, and then swiped her thumb over the sticky-blue lipstick print left behind.
“We’ll see.”