Chapter Text
Hajime leans in his chair to crack his back; it’s a loud one.
“That’s probably fucking up your back, y’know,” Fuyuhiko says, seated next to Hajime with his feet up on his desk. He glances at the clock; the teacher had stepped out to make some copies, but the bell would release them in a few minutes.
“Your dirty-ass shoes are probably fucking up that desk, y’know.”
“Fuck off. At least I’m not using it as a makeshift chiropractor.”
Hajime covers his mouth and says, “Not all of us have a girlfriend to bend our backs all the time.”
“Shut the hell up, you bastard!” Fuyuhiko grabs Hajime’s wrist and tries to pry his hand off his mouth while using his other arm to rev up a punch. “I’ll knock your teeth out before anyone can witness it!” Hajime tries to bat his attacker away, but has limited control due to the unbridled laughter stemming from his gut.
Fuyuhiko’s phone starts buzzing like pissed off bees; it vibrates off his desk, saving Hajime from his death grip.
“It’s the fuckin’ group chat,” he says after picking it up.
“What are they freaking out about now ?”
Fuyuhiko blinks. “Nagito’s eating a cup.”
Hajime blinks back. “What?”
“Nagito’s eating a fucking cup .”
“What… what kind of cup?”
“Does that really matter, you fucking dumbass?”
“I need to know if it’s my limited edition Simply Orange™ collector’s cup!” He speaks faster. “I pissed him off the other day and I haven’t apologized yet!”
“Open the damn messages yourself, then.”
“I can’t.” Fuyuhiko stares at him and Hajime continues. “Chiaki locked me out of my phone. I pissed her off the other day and I haven’t apologized-”
He throws his phone at Hajime. “Jesus Christ, here .”
b00bz420: guys check this out!!!
NotByakuya: ???
Hajime opens the attached video. Just like Fuyuhiko said, Nagito is sitting in the cafeteria with a stack of red solo cups in front of him. “Hi, everyone! It’s me, Nagito Komaeda, and I’m eating some fucking cups!” He takes the cup off the top of the stack, pulls scissors out of his hoodie pocket, and begins snipping it into teeny-tiny pieces.
“You can eat cups? I didn’t know cups were edible!” Akane shouts from behind the camera.
“No, you really can’t… I think,” Chiaki adds, her voice clearly farther away.
Nagito ignores them and starts popping the plastic bits into his mouth like they’re Cheez-It Gripz™.
Akane speaks again. “You’re not gonna share? What the hell?”
“Akane, you may have a stomach of iron, but those shards will rip your ass to shreds on the way out!” Apparently Nekomaru’s there too.
Nagito starts coughing, holding his throat with one hand, but still shoveling in his snack with the other.
Chiaki shouts, “Nagito! No!” and becomes a blur in frame. Akane’s laughter roars above the noise, the phone falls, and the video sharply cuts off.
Hajime looks back to Fuyuhiko, giving back the phone. “Should… we be concerned?”
He puts his feet back on his desk. “Nah, the bastard’ll be fine.”
nursing.at.college: KLSDFJOKDSFJOIFO
nursing.at.college: bring him to the nurse’s office!!!
nursing.at.college: NOW
“They’re taking him to the nurse’s office,” Fuyuhiko says. “It’s Mikan’s problem now.” He’s silent for a moment before busting out laughing. He turns his phone back to Hajime and shows him a video of Kazuichi opening a can of Panta with his shark teeth.
“He sure doesn’t know how to read a room, huh?”
“I don’t think he knows how to read, period.”
~
“Okay, does anyone want to volunteer to present first?” the teacher asks casually, despite forcing everyone to do a presentation with no direction and a randomly selected partner.
Sakura and Aoi raise their hands. Aoi shoves hers back down. “Oh, you and Celeste can go first.”
“Are you sure, Hina?”
“Yeah.” She smiles. “As long as we both get done before we leave for meets, we should be good.”
Celestia stands and walks to the front of the class, her drills bouncing with each step, not looking at anyone, not even Sakura. She turns to face the class, hands folded in front of her. Sakura saunters up next to her, index cards stacked neatly in her hands. Celestia clears her throat and the lights dim; a PowerPoint is projected onto the whiteboard soon after. The first slide is white with a single, black word in the center: “CASINOS.”
Sakura starts by reading some facts about casinos from her flashcards: the year the first ones were opened, the history of their legality, their annual earnings, etcetera.
Then she stops. She nods at Celestia. Celestia nods at the teacher. The slide changes to a graph colored with brooding reds and greys.
Celestia goes apeshit. She points her ringed finger at the statistics and shouts about how casinos are only concerned about their earnings, meddling with how much people can win and how. “It is despicable, the way they have no regard for the sanctity of luck. It destroys the entire spirit of gambling. Then the authorities have the nerve… the audacity to wonder why true connoisseurs stick to illegal, underground gambling rings worldwide.”
She only stops when Sakura places a gentle hand on her shoulder. Her calm smile reappears. “Oh. It appears that we are out of time. Thank you for listening. I do hope you enjoyed our presentation.” The duo returns to their seats.
Taka jumps to his feet. “While I appreciate the effort and… passion that went into your presentation, I must inquire as to whether encouraging gambling is welcome in a school environment!”
Celestia says, “We were not encouraging anything. We were simply sharing facts.”
Taka looks conflicted until Makoto adds, “I wouldn’t worry about it too much. It’s just Celeste being Celeste.” He sits back down.
The teacher asks for the next volunteer and Aoi jumps out of her seat almost as quickly as Taka had. “We’ll go next!”
Mondo stands much more slowly. Aoi bounces to the front of the class, the biker trailing behind her. A PowerPoint appears with the title “Jet Skis! (Water Bikes!)” in dark blue Curlz. Aoi starts rambling about the hydrodynamics of Jet Skis. Mondo almost talks over her, revving to get to his section about sick Jet Ski tricks (with video). By the end, they’re both yelling and punching the air.
Sakura and Aoi are excused to get ready and changed for their wrestling and swimming meets respectively. Taka volunteers to go next.
“Aw, c’mon man, I wanted to go last,” Leon says, but gets up anyway. Leon takes out his laptop and pulls up his SoundCloud™. He joins Taka at the front of the classroom. They both put on sunglasses from their pockets. “I didn’t write these lyrics, but I made my own beat. I hope you guys are ready for your classmate to become the biggest name in music!”
Sayaka chokes on her water.
Taka turns to Leon one last time. “Are you ready to begin, comrade?”
“Hell- I mean… heck yeah!” He presses play and they begin to rap to a beat that sounds like it took three minutes to make in GarageBand™.
“Bullying, knock it off! Racism, knock it off! Bigotry, knock it off! Crime, knock it off! Robbing banks, knock it off! Not saying thanks, knock it off! Driving tanks, don’t do that. War is bad, leave it in the past!”
Sayaka dissociates until she hears half-hearted clapping and joins in. Mondo shouts, “WOOO! YEAH, THAT’S MY BRO!”
Taka yells back, “Thanks, bro!”
The teacher looks, in a word, frazzled. She gestures for the next group to present. Kyoko nods at her and then at Hifumi. One of Hifumi’s less risqué “Demon Angel☆Pretty Pudgy Princess” detective AU doujinshis is displayed. Hifumi begins a dramatic reading while Kyoko interjects sporadically to analyze various aspects of the crimes. Hifumi is holding back tears by the end; he somehow didn’t realize that this would turn into a roast session. The teacher isn’t looking much better by the end of it.
Sayaka and Chihiro go next. She sings a duet with Hatsune Miku, whom Chihiro tuned, to an original song they’d created together. It’s a fun, wholesome track about how much she and Miku love being singers.
When it’s their turn, Makoto has to drag Toko up to the front of the class. He tries to assure her that everything will be fine, but her shaking doesn’t cease. Their PowerPoint reveals that their project is a simple book report over “The Fault in Our Stars.” Makoto carries most of it, but Toko manages to sputter out a few lines of cynical (but objectively correct) plot analysis. “A-all I’m s-saying is that i-it was c-completely o-offensive a-and unnecessary to m-make out in the Annex where Anne Frank and her f-family were hidden b-before their c-capture!”
Everyone is stunned into silence when Byakuya and Yasuhiro walk to the front of the class together. They’re not sure what’s more disturbing: the idea of the two being forced to collaborate on something or the fact that neither of them look troubled.
Yasuhiro leans back against the whiteboard, his hair obstructing their PowerPoint. Byakuya clears his throat and Yasuhiro scoots over until the image is clear.
“I will be explaining the highlights of the stock market’s past twenty-four hours.” Byakuya stares at Makoto. “I suggest you take notes.”
Makoto tilts his head. Kyoko whispers, “I think he just called you poor,” and his visible confusion vanishes instantaneously.
“I took notes!” Yasuhiro says with a grin and his hands on his hips. “I sure am glad! Now I might be out of debt by the time I’m forty!”
“Fifty.” Byakuya corrects him. He goes through the presentation, explaining things in his typical tone. Yasuhiro nods and agrees to act like he’s contributing. No one can believe that it went off without a hitch.
Finally, Junko and Mukuro make their way to the front of the class. Junko looks like she’d rather be anywhere else, gazing at the floor and picking at her acrylics in annoyance. Mukuro follows her like a lost puppy.
“Okay, so, like, we’re doing a totally boring presentation on weapons or something. I dunno, I told Mukuro to pick something at least somewhat entertaining, but she failed, to no one’s surprise.”
“Sorry, Junko…” Mukuro says before starting the presentation. She talks about her favorite weapons and the history of them, including which wars and militaries they’re most prevalent in. Junko doesn’t even pretend to contribute.
Mukuro finishes and receives modest applause from the majority of the class; Byakuya is glaring. He raises his hand.
“Do you have a question?” Mukuro asks.
“Yes. I do.” He sits up. “How could someone of your supposed level of expertise in this subject make such an unbelievably novice mistake?”
She blinks. “What… what are you talking about?”
“The bombs listed on the third slide were distributed by the Togami corporation, not Towa.”
“B-but,” Mukuro stumbles, “that wasn’t made public knowledge until three years ago… and, at the time-”
“It’s wrong .”
“Let… me explain-”
“There’s nothing to explain. You-”
Mukuro scoops Byakuya out of his seat by his armpits, sets him down, and punches him full-force. He goes flying, soaring through the window and shattering it. His shout slowly gets quieter.
Toko passes out, her face slamming into her desk. Junko cackles. “Oh my God ! Good one, sis!” She wipes away a tear and flings an arm around her expressionless sister’s shoulders.
The rest of the class, eyes wide, turns to their teacher; she hadn’t looked up from her novel since Toko and Makoto’s presentation. “I didn’t see it, so I can’t report anything,” she says, turning the page.
~
Shuichi sits on the risers of the music room. He flips through his criminal justice textbook, squinting to read it in the room’s dimness. Kaede softly hums along to the piano; she’s playing “Gymnopédie No. 1,” a slow, calming tune, fitting for the near-empty, serene space. When the song ends, Shuichi sets down his book to give quiet applause. Kaede bows, low and dramatic.
“Thank you! Autographs are ten dollars!”
“Sorry, I’m just as broke as you are.” He yawns and moves to lay down. “You know I love your playing, but I’m going to pass out if you don’t play something more energetic. I’ve only slept, like, six hours total this week, and coffee can only do so much.”
“How dare you insinuate that Erik Satie’s work is boring.”
“Soothing, not boring.”
“Nice save.” Kaede thinks for a minute. “I know what song to play next!” She cracks her knuckles, clears her throat, and shoves her index finger down on the G key. Her head whips around and she holds back giggles, expecting his hat to be thrown at her or, at the very least, him to shoot her a hysterical look of disapproval. Instead, his eyes are glassy and turned downward.
She tries, “Remembering your emo phase, huh?” No response. “Okay, I get it, it’s not a phase.” Shuichi blinks and she asks, “Are you messing with me?”
She plays the rest of “Welcome to the Black Parade,” but he doesn’t budge. She sits him up. Shakes him a little bit. Pinches his nose. Waves her hand and snaps in front of his face. She even tries swiping his hat, but to no avail.
She curses and whips out her phone.
“Who should I call…?” she asks to herself. She and Shuichi are technically ditching, so most of their classmates are unlikely to answer. She sighs, knowing her only option is to call the only person she knows is also ditching. She dials the number and, surprisingly, he picks up. “Kokichi?”
“ Geez , Bakamatsu, what’re you calling me for? In the middle of class, too? I should report you for truancy!”
“You’re not in class either. That’s why I called you.”
“I can assure you that, though our ideas of ‘class’ may be different, I am very busy right now.”
“Really? Because I’m almost certain you’re doing something ridiculous right now.”
Kokichi sits up in his hiding place behind the supermarket’s rows of shopping carts. “What?” He navigates his remote-control car to drive into a middle-aged lady’s feet, causing her to stumble to the ground. He tears up. “I’m hurt that you’d say that about me, Kaede. I thought we were friends. I thought you would at least make an effort to understand the things that are important to me, but I guess not!”
“I broke Shuichi.”
He pauses. “ Without me ?”
“It was an accident. I G-noted him as a joke, and now he’s, like, hardcore dissociating or something. I can’t get him out of it.”
Kokichi lets out a ridiculously long, annoyed sigh. “Fine. I’ll be there in ten minutes.” He hangs up. Kaede switches between playing different songs and trying to shake Shuichi awake until Kokichi arrives.
When he gets there (in ten minutes, on the dot), he immediately plants himself in Shuichi’s lap and starts poking and slapping his cheeks. “We get it, you’re emo!” he shouts directly into his ear. “Now wake up!”
“Stop that! You’re going to leave a welt on his face.”
“You said you wanted my help waking him up, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, with waking him up, not giving him permanent hearing loss!”
“If he can’t hear, then you won’t be able to torture him with that traumatizing emo shit anymore!” Kokichi shakes his head. “Bullying was the last thing this poor bastard needed, yet here you are, revelling in his misery.”
“If you’re not going to help, then leave!” she shouts.
“I AM HELPING!”
Nagito comes barreling through the music room doors, hacking and coughing. He ninja rolls between the piano and the wall, hiding himself in the crevice. Nekomaru appears in the doorway moments later, panting, “You would make an excellent track star, Komaeda!” He starts towards the piano. “It’s unfortunate that Akane opted to stay in the cafeteria.” He laughs. “She’d have a much easier time catching up to you!”
“What the heck is going on?” Kaede yells.
Chiaki shows up next, hunched over and puffing. “He… he ate a cup…”
“He what ?”
Kokichi starts cackling, clapping Shuichi on the back despite him still being only half-conscious.
Chiaki continues, “We tried to… to the nurse… but he booked it…”
Nekomaru pulls Nagito out of his hiding place by his hoodie and flings him over his shoulder like a mailbag; he’s still coughing like a smoker. Nekomaru turns to where Shuichi and Kokichi are sitting. “He doesn’t look too good. Does he need a lift?”
Kokichi stands and places a hand on his forehead. “Now that you mention it, I am feeling kind of faint.”
“Then hop on, little man!”
“Who’re you calling little, big ?” he says but climbs onto Nekomaru, scaling him like a building, and straddles his neck.
“Kokichi!” Kaede scolds, then sighs. “Yeah, we should probably take Shuichi to the nurse.”
Nekomaru nods and flings Shuichi’s dead weight over his other shoulder.
Chiaki yawns. “I’m too tired to go all the way to the nurse’s office. Will you carry me too?” She lifts her arms into the air and does grabby hands.
“Of course!” He scoops her under his left arm and turns to Kaede. “You want a ride too?”
She blinks a few times then shrugs. “Sure, why not?” She’s scooped under his right arm.
They hear distant glass shattering and a muffled scream. Someone flies past the window. Before anyone can question it, Nekomaru bolts towards the nurse’s office.
~
Byakuya flies over the school’s courtyard. His scream attracts the attention of Sakura and Aoi, who are walking to the bus parked in front of the school.
Sakura drops her bag, runs over, and catches him like a football. She pauses for a moment before gently setting him down on the ground. A few moments of awkward silence pass.
“Uh, are you alright?” she finally asks.
Before he can answer, Aoi runs over. She yells, “Oh my god, what happened?”
Byakuya scowls. “That heathen who reeks of gunpowder threw me out the window for pointing out a mistake in her presentation.”
Aoi’s mouth drops. “She was able to throw you this far?”
“She’s lucky you were here to catch me. Otherwise, the Togami family would be suing her for everything she owns and then some.”
“Well, we’re glad you’re okay, but Aoi and I really have to get to the bus. You should probably go to the nurse to make sure nothing’s broken; you had a lot of velocity when I caught you. Are you hurt? Can you get there yourself?”
“Don’t patronize me,” he spits.
Sakura just nods and heads towards the bus. When her back’s turned, Aoi sticks her foot in Byakuya’s path; he stumbles to the ground, not having enough time to catch himself. His face slams into the soil; he gets grass up his nostrils. By the time he scoops up the fragments of his broken glasses and gets to his feet, the girls are long gone.
He curses under his breath and starts towards the nurse’s office, huffing the whole way there.
~
Nekomaru runs towards the nurse’s office at top speed. Students stumble out of his path and give them strange looks. Chiaki’s dozing. Nagito coughs.
“Y’know, you remind me of one of my classmates!” Kaede says. “He’s big and strong and nice like you, but he’s not really into athletics.”
“That’s a shame! I could train him into an excellent athlete!”
Kokichi sets his head on top of Nekomaru’s. “So, have you ever measured yourself, big boy?’
“Of course! My biceps are 21 inches...” He rattles off his various muscle measurements while Kaede reaches up to try to aggressively grab Kokichi. Nekomaru suddenly yells, “Duck!”
“Did you say fu-” Kokichi’s face collides with a relatively low archway. His legs are somehow strong enough to keep him from falling off of Nekomaru. He simultaneously groans and whines.
“I told you to duck!”
They finally reach their destination. Nekomaru flings the door open. Mikan is standing at the ready. She tilts her head and screams, “How many people did you injure on the way here?”
“Just one!” He puts down Chiaki and Kaede then lays the others down in the medical beds.
Mikan decides to help Nagito, the actively choking one, first. She starts with the heimlich. “Stay back if you don’t want to get sprayed!” As she warned, spit-covered pieces of cup spew out of his mouth as she shoves her fist into his abdomen. Nagito’s out of it when she lays him back down. She looks into his throat and doesn’t find any critical damage, so she moves on to the others.
Kokichi is bleeding a little out of his head. He mumble-sings, “Pussy talented… it do cartwheels...”
“And he pay ‘cause he like how that part feel.” Chiaki finishes for him.
“Now is not the time, Chiaki!” Mikan says.
“Sorry...” She falls asleep again in an empty bed.
Byakuya hobbles into the nurse’s office, feeling the walls around him, clutching his broken glasses to his chest. “I demand immediate assistance. Grass got in my nose.”
“You get to wait your turn like everyone else!” Mikan snaps at him. “Now shut up and sit down! I’m kind of busy right now!”
Byakuya grumbles and does as told.
“I didn’t know Mikan had that in her,” Nekomaru says.
After examining Kokichi and bandaging his head, Mikan determines that he has a minor concussion. “Make sure he gets plenty of monitored rest and doesn’t do anything that requires physical exertion or visual focus.”
Kaede sighs, knowing she and Rantaro are probably going to end up with that responsibility.
Mikan puts a fan on Shuichi and, when he’s finally coming to, gets him to drink some water. “What… happened?” he asks.
“Shuichi!” Kaede grabs him in a hug. “Geez, you really freaked me out!”
He dazedly hugs her back. “Uh, how? Where am I?”
“I G-noted you and you hardcore dissociated and while Kokichi and I were trying to wake you up, that guy ran into the room.” She points to Nagito and continues. “Apparently he ate a cup. His friends tried to get him to the nurse’s office, and he ran, so-”
“Okay. I appreciate you trying to explain it to me, but I think I’ve heard enough.” He takes another sip of water and lays back down.
Mikan finally examines Byakuya. “You’re fine. I’ll give you a nurse’s note to go home. You can’t really participate in class if you can’t see. You’ll have to call someone to pick you up.”
“I already have that taken care of.”
Kyoko and Makoto walk into the nurse’s office. “Oh my gosh, Byakuya! How are you still alive?” Makoto runs over to him. “Like, I’m glad you’re okay, obviously, but… wow! You got punched through a window and you’re unscathed!”
“He what ?” Mikan shrieks.
Byakuya ignores her and says, “I thought I told you to wait outside.”
“We were worried about you!”
“Do you still need a ride home?” Kyoko asks, jingling her car keys. Byakuya stands and nods. The three of them leave.
Kaede drags Kokichi from the bed and somehow gets him to agree to “hang out” with her and Rantaro. Shuichi tags along behind them to the exit.
Mikan approaches Nagito, who is now just chilling in his bed. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I think I should go,” Nekomaru says and then leaves.
“I was testing my luck, obviously.”
“More like your dumbassery!”
Chiaki wakes up laughing. Nagito tries, “I ate a cup to represent how my life only has value if I am a vessel for others’ desires.”
“Bullshit.” Hajime walks in. “You’ve been planning this for weeks.”
Chiaki yawns. “I didn’t think he’d actually do it.”
Nagito grins. “You underestimate me.”
“If that’s what you want to call it.” Hajime helps Chiaki and Nagito out of their beds and links arms with them. “Thanks, Mikan. Sorry about all of this.”
“N-no need to thank m-me… it’s j-just my job…”
He gives her a half-wave and leaves with Chiaki dozing off on his shoulder and Nagito rambling about how “Mikan saving him filled him with so much hope.”
Mikan grabs the nearest pillow, screams into it for a solid thirty seconds, then starts to clean up the nurse’s office.