Chapter Text
penelope park never meant to come back to mystic falls.
she had dreamt about it, about coming home, and seeing all her friends, and getting to walk down the halls of the salvatore school again.
and of course, she’d dreamt about coming home to one person in particular.
she still talked to mg, and hope, for some strange reason, but it never felt the same.
nothing felt the same.
she’d known for a while that her dreams of returning and making everything right were probably foolish, and that those she loved had moved on.
and yet here she stood, three years after the last time she had set foot here, and really, it wasn’t all that different.
the buildings were the same, and so were the trees, and the school.
if she went inside, alaric would still be headmaster, unfortunately, and the rooms would still be split up into their factions.
but the faces were different.
no one from her coven remained.
alyssa chang, a girl who may have been a friend, if they’d both let their guards down, had vanished off the face of the earth.
kaleb and mg were on a road trip around europe, trying to finally live for the first time in their immortal lives.
landon and rafael were long gone, and penelope couldn’t really bring herself to care where either brother was now.
hope was in new orleans, with her family, carrying the mikaelson legacy and still managing to be a hero.
lizzie was off to university, in some faraway place, where she could be a normal popular girl.
only one familiar face remained.
josie.
she’d barely changed, and if you hadn’t known her well, you would say that she hadn’t aged a day. that she was still that quiet teenager who had never learned how to speak loud enough to be heard.
but penelope had known her very well, and she saw the change.
the way in which josie held herself with just a touch more self-confidence, like she felt certain in the words she spoke. the dark look in her eyes, like she’d seen true power, and finally understood why everyone craved it but could never hold it.
it was still josie, just slightly different. slightly stronger. not perfect, but penelope had never expected that. it would be hypocritical if she did.
josie was standing at the edge of the old mill, in the arms of an unfamiliar man.
through hope, penelope knew his name.
ethan machado, a werewolf who had transferred with his sister maya.
penelope wished that she didn’t know his name.
because if his name was unknown, then it meant that he was nothing to josie.
but she knew it. because hope had told her that josie was seeing someone new.
hope seemed to think that penelope needed updates on that.
she really fucking didn’t.
it just made the wound in her heart ache even more.
penelope watched as josie laughed at something that ethan had said. a joke that was probably not funny at all.
penelope used to make josie laugh. she’d do it all the time, even when josie felt like she just wanted to fade away into the silence of the world.
penelope used to make josie smile.
she shouldn’t be staring.
she really shouldn’t.
she shouldn’t even be here, standing in the trees, watching a group of people laughing and joking at the old mill, but she was.
because she’d needed to see josie.
because it had been so long.
penelope almost regretted her decision to look now.
because seeing josie like that, laughing at a joke that penelope so dearly wished to know, a changed woman, made penelope want to know everything.
she wanted to walk over and ask josie every question. she wanted to learn about josie’s every thought and feeling over the past three years.
the years that penelope had lost with her, because she hadn’t been able to take it.
hadn’t been able to take josie’s self-sabotaging, the way in which she always assumed that she was the weakest and the most worthless in a room.
penelope had tried to show josie a brighter picture, she had tried so hard, that it had almost broken her down.
but then she’d realised that she couldn’t be the one to help josie.
not in that way.
so, she’d left.
penelope was just about to walk away, because well, she’d seen what she’d wanted to, but then josie turned, and her eyes met penelope’s.
penelope was only standing in the dark of the trees, however, in the evening light, it should have been enough to stop anyone seeing her, unless they knew she was there.
josie always seemed to be surprised whenever penelope appeared, claiming that she had come out of smoke. but she’d also always known where to look to find penelope’s eyes.
josie held her gaze for a moment, and penelope knew then that she couldn’t leave.
ethan leant in to kiss josie, and penelope had to look away. she couldn’t see that, couldn’t see someone else doing that.
a small part of her felt like josie was still hers to love and to kiss.
even if penelope knew that that part of her was wrong and twisted and cruel for thinking that.
she only looked back when she heard ethan walking away. josie turned to watch him leave, and penelope moved just a little closer, her eyes on josie the whole time.
josie knew that she was there, now the question was if she would acknowledge it, or if she would walk away, letting penelope be the one left alone this time.
they stood there silently, and then, when everyone else had disappeared from view, josie spoke.
“i know you’re watching me. i know it’s you.”
penelope didn’t move, she couldn’t. after all this time, hearing josie’s voice paralyzed her, as her mind played back a million memories.
josie didn’t turn, but she sighed.
“penelope, please.” she sounded so tired, like the effort of saying penelope’s name hurt her. and so penelope stepped into the light.
“hello jojo. it’s been a while.”
josie finally turned, and penelope found herself caught in the gravity of her eyes. soft and brown, and full of so much pain.
penelope wondered how much of that pain was put there by her.
“what are you doing here?” josie folded her arms, and stared at penelope, her face guarded. penelope hadn’t expected anything different, although she had hoped for some warmth.
“i was in the neighbourhood, so i thought i’d drop by. see how the old school was doing.”
“and how is it doing?” josie asked the question like she was testing penelope.
penelope just shrugged.
“it’s quieter. i’m assuming that once you kicked malivore’s ass, all the monsters and bother pissed off?”
josie didn’t answer, so penelope just smiled.
“i almost miss this stupid place.” that was a lie. it wasn’t the school she missed. it was the girl in front of her, and all of their memories that were littered around the halls of the school.
josie shook her head.
“why are you here penelope,” she asked again, “and I don’t mean at the school, i mean why are you here, watching me in this forest?”
penelope wanted josie to know everything, absolutely everything, but she knew she couldn’t give josie that. so, she would have to settle for a little shred of truth.
“i wanted to see you.”
josie stared at her, and penelope could almost feel the whirlpool of emotions that must be swimming through her in this moment.
she was silent for a moment, and penelope watched as her eyes finally took in the girl in front of her, fully. penelope hadn’t changed much, even her hair was the same length as it was before.
penelope said that she just liked the way it looked on her, but really, she just liked the reminder of josie. even if it was a reminder of how burning her rage could truly be.
“how’s your family?” penelope didn’t know why she was asking. she knew the answer already. but maybe she just wanted to talk with josie calmly, before they fell into another argument.
“why do you care?”
“i’m just trying to make conversation,” penelope answered honestly.
josie scoffed and shook her head, but didn’t say anything. penelope wondered what was going on in her mind. was any part of her happy to see penelope?
“i didn’t like the way you were looking at my boyfriend,” josie said suddenly. penelope nearly laughed.
“don’t worry jojo, i have no intentions of stealing him.”
“don’t call me that,” josie snapped, and penelope felt a stab of pain.
“and that’s not what i meant.”
penelope rose an eyebrow.
“then what did you mean? how was i looking at dear ethan?”
“like he was just your understudy. like you were three seconds away from getting your knuckles bloody for me.”
penelope didn’t have a defence for that. she couldn’t lie about the burning in her stomach when she’d seen him.
“was the joke really that funny josie? because i know your fake smiles, and that was one of them.”
“that is none of your concern.” every word from josie’s mouth felt like a slice from a knife.
so, if they were to fight with their words, penelope would have to retaliate, lest she be left bloodied and broken by the love of her life.
“you know josie, i’m not your problem anymore. so, why are you so offended by my very presence?” she stepped towards josie, resisting a triumphant smile when josie’s eyes betrayed an emotion.
“i’m offended because you’re being a bitch. just like you always are.”
“as i recall, i could be quite nice. but you did always have a lethally selective memory when it came to me.” her feet brought her so that she was barely a metre away from josie. it felt like every cell in her body was aching to close to distance and hold josie so tight that her touch would be forever imprinted on her body, but she couldn’t.
so, she held herself back.
josie glared at her.
penelope just smiled, but it was an empty one, celebrating a hollow victory.
“how have things been?” she half expected josie to completely ignore the question, but josie forced her mouth into a crude smile.
“you mean after you left? yeah, they’ve been great. i got manipulated by a mud man, i got infected with dark magic, which led to me killing alyssa and my sister, and then i nearly killed hope, and half the school left because they were scared of me, and the half that’s still here looks at me like i’m going to break any second.”
penelope knew all of that, of course she did. even though it hurt her, she’d wanted to know how josie was doing. and every time she found something out, she nearly raced back to her side, so that she could be there.
but then she remembered that josie wouldn’t want her there. seeing penelope would probably just make everything worse.
so, she’d stayed away.
josie took a step towards penelope.
“or maybe you meant the merge? you know, because you just dropped that on me and left me to deal with it alone? maybe you want to know how i keep having nightmares about it, maybe you want to know how we tried to stop it, but no, it’s still there, because we didn’t merge properly, and one of us still needs to fucking die. maybe you want to hear about how my sister left, to go live the life she has left, and i got stuck here, because even after all these years, i’m still the selfless one, no matter what.” she scoffed.
“are you disappointed, penelope? are you disappointed that even after everything, i’m still putting myself second, that i’m still fucking useless?”
“i could never be disappointed in you josie,” penelope said softly.
“oh really? then what was it that you were feeling when i feel down those stairs? what was it that you were feeling when you took five whole minutes to pack us up and leave me, alone, with a curse that i didn’t fucking ask for?”
penelope shook her head.
“i wasn’t disappointed in you, josie. and you know i didn’t leave easily. you know i tried to stay.”
josie turned and stalked away. penelope thought that she might keep walking until the school, that she might finally walk out of penelope’s life forever, but then she turned around.
“you left me, penelope! you fucking left me, all alone standing in the hall. ever since then, it’s fucking plagued me, because you were never supposed to do that. you were supposed to always be there, you weren’t supposed to leave me like everyone else!”
penelope couldn’t say anything. she knew that this had probably been building up for a while, so she let josie just yell at her. after all, it was mostly true.
“but you left. you decided that i wasn’t worth fighting for anymore. do you have any idea how much that hurt? you told me that i was stuck with you, you told me that the world needed the selfless and the selfish to keep spinning. and then you left. just like everyone else.”
penelope sighed.
“josie, you can’t keep pretending that i left because i wanted to hurt you.”
“then why?”
“josie you know why!” penelope didn’t mean to shout, but maybe her own emotions were starting to rear their heads. maybe she had things left unsaid that now were finally revealing themselves.
“i told you to read that letter so many times josie. i gave you second, third, and hundredth chances, and you couldn’t give me one reason to stay. i tried to tell you so many times that you didn’t have to come in second, i tried to tell you that everything i did was for you, and you didn’t even hear me out.”
“how was i supposed to know that the stupid letter was a goodbye? you didn’t give me any other signs.”
penelope turned away. looking at josie right now just hurt a little bit too much.
“i gave so many signs josie. if you had read the letter, i might have stayed. but you didn’t, which meant that you didn’t care enough, and it meant that i had no reason to stay.”
josie scoffed.
“so, you left because you felt rejected? i think you’re definitely right, you are the selfish one.”
penelope turned around, wanting to scream, wanting to tell josie about everything she had done, everything she had sacrificed. but she couldn’t. she knew she couldn’t.
“josie are you even listening? everything i did was for you. all i wanted was for you to be happy. i left because i thought it would be the best move for both of us.”
“you could have asked me! you could have asked me if i wanted you to stay, and i would’ve told you.”
“really?” penelope stepped closer to josie. “would you really have told me to stay? or would you have once again refused to go after what you wanted, because you didn’t think you deserved it?”
“stop pretending like you know how i think and feel! you don’t know what i would’ve done.”
penelope sighed. she hadn’t meant for this to spiral into an argument about everything, but she should have expected it. they had too much unsaid between them for any conversation to be simple.
“but i know that you let lizzie have dibs on the rafael. i know that you didn’t tell her about wanting to run for the council. i know that you wouldn’t have sung at the talent show if not for the slugs. i know that you didn’t tell anyone that you wanted to win miss mystic falls. i know that you didn’t want to fall but you did it anyway. i know that you wanted me to stay, i know that you wanted to read the letter, but you—” penelope choked on her words, feeling tears springing into her eyes.
josie was silent. she just watched penelope, looking like she had never thought of any of this.
penelope shook her head.
“i never learned to read your mind josie, but i could always read your heart. i held it once, and i have never forgotten the way that it beat.”
they both stared at each other for a moment, hearts aching for each other.
“i never turned things around because i didn’t know i would lose you,” josie admitted quietly.
“and like i said, if you had read the letter, you wouldn’t have lost me. and if you had read the letter, it would have already meant that you were turning things around. that’s the whole point. but you never did.”
penelope tried not to imagine a world in which she had stayed. it hurt too much to imagine a world where maybe, she could have helped. it hurt to think that she could’ve helped if she’d stayed.
and it hurt even more to think that she would’ve hurt josie, even if she had stayed.
penelope sighed and turned to josie.
“look. i think we’ve both seen this film before. we argue, and neither one of us is going to change our opinion. i stand by everything that i’ve done. maybe i didn’t do things in the best way, but all i ever wanted was the best for you. i left for you.”
“you left because you’re a coward.”
penelope hadn’t expected that.
“what?” she was too startled to say anything else.
josie stepped forwards.
“you didn’t want to deal with the merge, and you didn’t want to deal with me. you weren’t willing to be there for me, and so you left, because you were too scared to stay.”
out of all the things that josie could have thrown at her, that was one thing that penelope wasn’t expecting. she felt that tightness in her chest that came specifically from holding back a scream.
because there was so much she wanted to say. she wanted to tell josie about her sleepless nights, wondering if she could maybe sneak back home, just to make sure that josie was still alive. she wanted to tell her about the times she’d been so sure she was about to die, and how she was ready for it, because it was for josie, and there was nothing else in her life, really.
but she couldn’t. because josie didn’t deserve the burden of knowing all that. better she hate penelope, better she wish that penelope had never arrived in her life, than love penelope and wish that things could go back.
penelope had enough experience with the latter, and she wouldn’t wish that hurt on anyone, but especially not josie.
“maybe i am a coward. and i am sorry for leaving.” she tried her best to convey her sincerity, the thousands of what ifs that had swum through her mind for years through her stare.
“i promise, i never meant to hurt you.”
josie sighed, hands dangling helplessly by her side.
“but you did.”
a silence fell upon them again. penelope couldn’t argue. it wasn’t her job to tell josie how she should feel about everything that she’d done.
so, instead, she asked a question that had been scratching at the back of her mind for a while.
“do you remember what i told you when i left?”
“of course, i do. i remember everything you said to me that night.”
penelope had to look away, lest the hurt and anger in josie’s eyes hurt her too much.
perhaps she was a coward, despite everything. not for leaving, but because she couldn’t meet josie’s eyes and deal with all the pain she had caused her.
because she had hurt josie. had hurt her so badly. and that was why penelope had to leave.
“do you understand yet?”
penelope remembered being barely seventeen, standing in front of a girl who she loved so much that it ached, and remembered telling her that one day, she’d understand why penelope did everything she did.
one day josie would understand that she was worth all the stars in the sky.
one day she’d understand that she deserved to stand in the light, to shine and smile, knowing that she was loved.
one day she’d understand that penelope had decided that josie’s life was worth more than anything else, and she’d understand that by leaving, penelope was putting josie’s happiness above her own.
the selfish, finally making the selfless move, because in the long run, josie’s life would be better if penelope wasn’t there.
even if penelope’s life was always better when josie was there.
but it was clear that today was not that day, because josie was just glaring at her.
“i don’t think i do understand. at least, i don’t understand what you wanted me to.”
penelope sighed, but didn’t say anything more.
“i loved you, you know?”
penelope’s head shot up at that. josie’s gaze had shifted from stone cold hate to something softer and vulnerable.
“i know i never said it, not even when you left, but i loved you so much. sometimes i even…” josie trailed off, shaking her head. “but the point is that i loved you.”
“how do you know?” penelope asked simply.
“what?” josie was turning back to the anger.
“how do you know that you loved me?”
“i know because you were all i thought about. i know because even after we broke up, all i wanted was you. i know because when you left, everything fell apart, and i didn’t sleep in my own room for so long, because i only left your room when it stopped smelling like you. i know because i dated landon, because receiving care, even if it was temporary, made everything hurt less.”
josie swallowed and stepped closer, so close that penelope would swear that josie must be able to hear her heartbeat, and the way that it raced faster with every word josie spoke.
“i know, penelope, because even now, i look at you, and suddenly i’m sixteen, and all i want to do is kiss you.”
penelope didn’t know how to respond to that. in truth, she’d thought that she had long since faded from josie’s heart. she’d thought that long ago, the hate had twisted josie’s feelings, and that she would never look at penelope the same.
“so, why don’t you?” penelope didn’t know what she was doing or saying anymore. this whole conversation made her feel completely unmoored, completely out of control.
it was usually an unpleasant feeling, but when it came to josie, even this made her heart race.
“because i…i have ethan,” josie settled on saying, after stuttering for a moment.
“do you love him?”
“no.”
penelope hadn’t expected such a confident answer to that question.
“then why are you with him?”
“are you going to tell me that you’ve never been with someone you didn’t love?”
penelope thought of the nights when the loneliness had felt a little too sharp, the nights when she’d needed someone else to hold her through it.
“you know i can’t.”
the two girls ended up staring at each other.
“i still love you, you know,” penelope didn’t meant to say it, but it was true. josie seemed surprised, and penelope understood. even if the last thing penelope told her was that she loved her, penelope had been gone for a while.
“then why did you stay away?”
“because i knew it would be better for the both of us. i didn’t want to cause you anymore pain.”
josie just nodded slowly.
“kiss me.”
penelope didn’t think that she heard josie right.
“what?”
josie looked up, making sure that penelope knew that she was talking to her.
“kiss me.”
“josie, i thought we just decided that we couldn’t because of ethan.”
josie stared at penelope, as if trying to figure out a puzzle.
“do you want to kiss me?”
penelope almost laughed.
“of course, i do.”
“then what’s stopping you? and don’t say ethan because that’s an excuse, for the both of us.”
“if i tell you my truth, will you tell me yours?”
josie nodded, and penelope noted that they were moving closer, ever so slightly.
penelope didn’t even have to think, because the thought had been in her mind ever since josie made eye contact with her.
“if i kiss you now, i don’t think i’ll be able to stop. and that’s not good for either of us.”
josie’s eyes flicked down to penelope’s lips, and then back up the meet her gaze.
“if i kiss you now, i don’t think i’ll be able to let you leave. and i know you need to,” josie said quietly.
“why?”
“because i don’t understand yet. and because if you stay now, we’ll just break our hearts all over again. i’ll break you over the merge, and you’ll break me because you’re still lying to me.”
the words sat heavily in between both of them.
“what?”
“tell me why you left.”
the words were so simple, and josie almost said them with complete calm, but penelope could hear the longing underneath. the way she was begging penelope to tell the truth.
so, penelope tried to get as close to the truth as possible.
“i left for you.”
“where did you go?”
“i went to belgium, josie you know this.” penelope was almost begging josie to believe her, even though she knew it was of no use.
“no, you didn’t.”
“how do you know?”
josie smiled sadly at penelope, like she had actually hoped for penelope to tell her the truth.
“because when i asked my dad if i could have the number of the boarding school you went to, and when i called that number, they told me that penelope park had never attended.”
penelope wanted to ask josie why she’d called, what it was that she’d wanted to tell penelope, but she knew that didn’t matter.
“i would ask for the truth, but we both know you can’t give it to me. and maybe that's how it has to be. for now.” josie swallowed, pausing as if she needed time to prepare herself for the words she was about to say.
or maybe she paused so they could exist in each other’s space just a little bit longer.
“i think you should go,” josie said, voice just above a whisper. penelope nodded.
she wished that she could tell josie the truth, that she could stay here, with josie, forever, but she couldn’t.
not yet.
she didn’t want josie to feel like she owed penelope anything.
and so penelope would have to be the one to leave.
again.
“i love you jojo,” penelope said quietly, and this time josie didn’t admonish her for using the nickname.
josie didn’t say anything, and so penelope walked away.
then she heard it, as she was halfway into the trees. a quiet whisper, full of pain and longing for a happy ending that always seemed out of reach.
“i love you too.”
the selfish walked away, knowing that this might be their last encounter.
the selfless was left, wondering what everything would look like if things were different.
+++
penelope climbed into the car, not meeting the eyes of the driver.
“so, you want to tell me where you were?”
penelope sighed.
“i was just visiting the school. it’s been a while, and i wanted to see how it had changed.”
“don’t bullshit me penelope.”
penelope turned to look at the woman next to her.
“you were talking to josie.”
“i was.” there was no point in lying.
“how’d it go?”
“she still loves me.”
“of course she does.”
“but i can’t stay.”
“why not?”
“because i have to do this. once she’s safe, then maybe.” penelope gave the woman next to her a pointed glance. “as her mother, i’d think that you understood that.”
caroline forbes sighed and rubbed her forehead.
“you teenagers and your dramatic love.”
“i’m twenty.”
“still dramatic.”
penelope sighed and looked away.
“come on, we need to get going. hope said that she found a lead, and if it’s something that could possibly stop the merge, then we need to check it out.”
“i know.” caroline’s eyes didn’t leave penelope.
“what?”
“are you okay?”
there was once again, no point in lying.
“no. even though she probably doesn’t see herself as such, she’s my homeland. which is why i’m doing this. i have to defend her.”
“has anyone told you that you should be a poet? because your metaphors are really quite something.”
penelope laughed, but there was no real humour in it.
“can we please go? if we stay any longer, i might change my mind.”
caroline nodded.
“okay.” she reached out and placed her hand on top of penelope’s. “we’ll get you back to her penelope. i promise.”
penelope smiled, trying her best to believe those words.
“thanks, caroline.”
and then off they drove. away from the salvatore school, and away from josie saltzman.
the girl they both cared about so much.
the girl that either of them would die for.