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Levi always knew he was going to die alone.
He thought he would die when he was a child, with his mother gone, it was only a matter of time for him. He thought he would die alongside her, with no one knowing he even existed.
After Kenny took him, he didn’t think he would make it, underground streets were no place for a child. He fought for his life but he didn’t think he would make it.
Survey Corps. Each mission Levi set out for, each time he left the walls, a part of him knew it could be the last time. He never looked back.
He watched death take nearly everyone around him. With injuries and regrets, he came back alive. He came back alone. Some would call it luck, Levi wouldn’t say that, no, he felt far from lucky.
He had no choice but to keep going. He knew death would catch up to him sooner or later.
He didn’t mind. He was ready.
Well, he thought he was ready.
.
104th Training Corps came. Last hope for humanity. Hope. Eren Jeager.
Eren.
Eren.
Eren.
What was it about him? Simply, everything. Everything about Eren was raw. He wouldn’t give up, after everything, after every loss, Eren never lost the spark in his eyes.
"Keep moving forward, what else can we do Captain?”
He would say it with a smile, he would say it as if the world wasn’t falling apart around them. The world was falling apart. Eren kept smiling.
His determination was contagious, for the first time in a while, Levi wanted to win, not just to complete a mission, killing as a means of necessary, Levi wanted to win, to believe they really were the first step forward.
That he was making a difference.
With his new belief in the future, also came the overwhelming urge to protect this hope, to protect Eren. From titans, from Military Police, from anything that threatened his existence.
He told himself it was to ensure the future, protect humanity’s last hope, it was to be expected from him. However much he tried to believe that, at the end it wasn’t about the hope for humanity.
It was never so much about protecting the world as it was about protecting Eren. Just Eren.
.
He was thankful nobody seemed to think too much about it, after all everybody was always looking out for the boy, Levi was no different in that sense.
He was, however, different in a sense that if he could take all the responsibility and expectations away from Eren, his overwhelming burden that they called hope, to send the whole world to hell if it meant he would be alive and safe, Levi wouldn’t hesitate for a second.
He would kill every titan, he would kill every last human outside the walls to rewrite Eren’s destiny, he would take it upon himself, the curse, the burden, everything. For Eren... Everything.
What he could do however was simply watch.
Watch everything become progressively more complicated, watch everyone’s duties become more and more demanding, watch more of his people die and watch Eren slowly deciding to throw his future away.
Many times in his life Levi thought about the world as unfair. It was nothing new for him but this, this was different. This was the world against a boy, because that’s what Eren was. A boy.
A boy who wanted to make this world better, a boy who believed in the future, a boy who would do anything to help, a boy who had a few years left to live. A boy who would never see the future he was fighting for. This wasn’t unfair, this was just cruel.
And Levi couldn’t do anything about it.
.
It was late one night when Eren spoke up, hesitant and unsure if he should even be saying anything;
“Hey Captain, do you think we’re doing the right thing? I mean... I used to think so, but now I’m not so sure.”
- I don’t know Eren. It’s not that easy anymore. No one thinks what we’re doing is one hundred percent right, or wrong in that matter.
“What do you think?”
- I think, that we have no choice either way. I think we should just get up and leave Eren, leave it all behind. I know you care about this world but I care about you more. I think you were handed all the wrong cards from the beginning, I think there is no way
for us to win no matter what choice we make.
“Yeah.., I-I just hope I won’t disappoint you. I know I will some people- most people..but-“
- You won’t disappoint me Eren, you should know that by now. There isn’t a thing you could do to make this easier for me, to make me disappointed, to make hate you. Nothing Eren, I will be with you no matter what, I will suffer for loving you no matter
what. I will love you still.
“I- thank you. That, uh, that helps a little”
.
Levi thought he wouldn’t choke up if Eren left. He did. For a moment after Hange told him he couldn’t utter a word.
He knew this was most likely going to happen.
He thought he would be prepared.
He wasn’t.
“Levi, there was a letter we found in his room… It’s for you”
For Levi. Not for Mikasa, not for Armin, for him.
He thought he would break down before he even opened it.
.
Dear Captain,
For as long as I know I was fighting for freedom, before, it used to be crystal clear what I had to do. I wish it was still like that, to kill all the titans. How easy that would make everything, but I am now realizing this wasn’t ever going to be easy.
I have to do this.
Please understand, even if you think I’m wrong, even if you think I picked the worst choice, please, understand.
Everything I do is for them, for us, I don’t want more children to live in fear. I don’t want to watch us lose more friends. I don’t want to have to lose you too.
Tell Mikasa and Armin I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye. I couldn’t face them. I can’t face you, but I can’t leave without telling you this either.
Once, you said you wouldn’t be disappointed in me no matter what I do, I’m holding you on to that. Captain...Levi, thank you.
I’ll miss you.
.
And he thought just him leaving was bad. Why didn’t you take me with you, Eren?
.
Months passed. Nothing was happening, then everything happened all at once. No one heard from Eren.
War came for them.
Levi was dying. That’s how war goes, he thought this would happen, he knew.
Death avoided him too many times now and there was simply no one left to stop the bleeding.
Despite the terror that was going on currently, everything around him was strangely quiet. Levi thought death would be more terrifying, but it was just cold.
Is this how they all felt? Isabel, Furlan, Petra, Erwin… Were you this cold too?
.
I lay in my arms dying, as you dance inside my heart.
.
"I mean it, I'll do whatever it takes"
"Levi...I'm going to change this world. For us."
"Please believe in me. Sometimes I don’t."
.
Levi always knew he was going to die alone.
The fact that he was dying right now, in a foreign land, away from everything, cold and alone, didn’t come as a surprise. Still, his chest ached.
Eren.
Eren.
Eren.
Eren.
If I could talk right now, what would I tell you?
You must be blaming yourself for everything, and for not being here right now, you always were that way, but it's okay Eren, what I couldn't tell you, what my reply to your letter would be;
You're always here, since ages ago,
You haven't left me for a second, Eren, my heartstrings would probably spell out your name at this point.
You gave me hope when I thought I was incapable of feeling it anymore, you made me believe I was doing something important.
I’ll miss your shitty temper and your stubbornness.
I’ll miss loving you.
Eren, no matter what you make of this world,
I’m so proud of you.
.
Levi always knew he was going to die alone.
He didn't think it would go like this, however.
It was cold and painful, but at the end Levi didn’t die alone.
In his last seconds, he prayed Eren knew, knew he died loving.