Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Usually all Shelby needed for comfort was to just jump into her queen size bed and let herself sink into her pile of fluffy pillows, but everything seems to be going differently today. The pillows smell like her from their sleep over last night, and after today, this does just the opposite of offering her comfort: it shatters her heart in pieces. She throws all the pillows off her bed and just lays down flat on her back, tears streaming down her face and neck, not bothering wiping them off. She can’t believe she had to be that stupid, that foolish to fuck this up. She should have known better. She should have known, when she – unexpectedly, but eventually luckily – became getting friendly with the small in size, but tough in character girl (or so it appears), this wouldn’t just bloom into an ordinary, cute little friendship. They would notice the intense difference between their personalities – often annoying eachother –, but also the similarities – often finding comfort in eachother, and this would bring them closer and closer together. They would start to spend every school break together, then they would start to call nearly every night, talking for hours, then one night the girl would confess to Shelby: “So I don’t know if you like, knew or figured already, but I’m gay. I just wanted to let you know since we’re… since we talk about everything, you know.”

And this might have been one of the only times when Shelby wished they wouldn’t have been on facetime, because she was afraid of what her facial expressions might give off. She slightly smiled, and would have wanted to say “yes of course I figured already, or well I was hoping so” or “thank god, because um… I like you” but obviously she wasn’t gonna say that. “That’s great, Toni! I appreciate you telling me and I’m obviously completely fine with it.”
Toni smiled at her and said “Thanks, that means a lot. I feel like people often suspect it because I’m like, not the girliest girl, you know, so stereotyping wise… But still, I don’t often actually tell people. Not because I’m ashamed, I’m not, I just don’t think it’s anyone’s business.”
Shelby nodded and mumbled some understanding words and it might have been the first time where the conversation went a bit silent. There wasn’t a tension though, just stuff to think about. For Shelby, mostly.

She’s not even sure when she started to like her, exactly. As more than a friend. Maybe it unconsciously happened already the moment she first walked into her class, because she remembers feeling a sense of excitement when the pretty brunette had no choice but to sit down next to her, because Shelby was the only one who didn’t have a partner yet for the project. Maybe it was when they were drinking hot chocolate at the school cafeteria, and Toni burst out laughing at the fact that her now best friend accidentally got whipped cream on her nose. Toni softly removed it for her, and she remembers the warmth of her touch, that surprisingly felt almost warmer than the hot chocolate. Or maybe it was when they first had a sleep over, and she saw Toni with her hair down for the first time. It was the prettiest thing she has ever seen. She remembers wanting to touch it and play with it.
But then again, maybe she remembers everything in a romantic way because she’s aware of her crush now. They have known eachother for around six months. And let’s just say Shelby started being hyper aware of her crush around two months ago. Them hanging out together started to feel like dates, even though she knew damn well they weren’t. She wanted badly to brush her feelings off, to just enjoy the wonderful friendship they had. Because it was, wonderful, it really was.
Toni opening up about her sexuality happened around one month ago, and since that moment it started getting harder and harder to ignore her feelings. She would have preferred not knowing because knowing, for some reason, made her think she might actually have a chance with her.

It was when Toni drove Shelby home this afternoon, that she realized she can’t keep this a secret any longer. She needed to get it out. She needed her to be aware, even if it might mean risking their friendship. Keeping it in would risk their friendship too, if not more, because lately she can’t even hang out with her anymore without wishing she could kiss her every second she looked at her face. Losing herself in her big brown eyes. She even started getting paranoid that Toni could read her mind, and so she would rather just straight up tell her. No matter how scary. Hoping she would react well. Hoping deep down that she would feel the same way. That their moments together actually felt like dates to her, too.

“Can we talk about something?” Shelby asked, nervously, as Toni was driving her.

“Of course! I actually wanted to tell you, Cara and Elly got into a fight today and if I tell you that got me crying in laughter at how foolish that was…” Toni said, giggling. “They were like…”

Interrupting her is something Shelby never liked to do, but she couldn’t handle her nerves any longer: “No, I meant, I want to talk to you about something.”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t get that,” Toni apologized, “Tell me. I’m all ears.”

“Okay, so… um, I’ve been wanting to tell you since a while now, but, I don’t know, I…” Shelby stumbled over her words and even though she had imagined this conversation over and over in her head the days, weeks, even months before, she can’t even get herself to bring a proper sentence together now, and so she turns it around to a question: “Do you like anyone?”

“What? As in, a crush?” Toni asked, a little startled, moving her head in Shelby’s direction for a second and then focusing on the road again.

“Yes.”

“Um, I don’t know, not really, I guess,” she said, biting her lip and Shelby knew this means she’s either hiding something or she’s uncomfortable.

Shelby almost wanted to hit herself for asking this, but she did it anyway: “How do you mean not really? Do you have someone in mind?”

“I thought you wanted to tell me something,” Toni said, ignoring her question, “Did you do something bad? Did you break into someone’s house?”

Shelby knew Toni is just trying to lighten the mood, but she couldn’t even bring herself to smile.
“I’m gay,” she then confessed. Not exactly what she wanted to confess, but it was a start.

“Oh my god, Shelby! That’s amazing,” Toni replied ecstatically, making eye contact for a second and beaming, “AH, thanks for telling me. Love that. I’m so proud of you.”

Shelby just nodded. Seeing her big brown eyes full of pride didn’t make this any easier for her. She was hoping to still see that pride and happiness the moment she would tell her she has feelings for her.

“Are you okay?” Toni then asked, with a worried expression, as she drove into Shelby’s street and parked there. “Do you feel bad about being gay?”

Shelby shaked her head, tearing up.

“Oh no, love, what’s wrong?” Toni got all protective and wrapped her arm around her. “Is it because of your family? That they might not accept it?”

“No, it’s none of their business and at this point I don’t care what they would think.” She said, and that wasn’t a complete lie.

“What is it?” Toni tried again, squeezing her shoulder in comfort.

And sure, it gave Shelby comfort, but it also gave her more butterflies and a rise in adrenaline, anxiety for what’s to come. “Do you promise me that I’ll never lose you?”

“Of course, what! That’s not even a question, we’re besties,” Toni said as she hugged her tighter, in a soothing way, and “besties” in a tone as if she almost had to giggle at it.

Shelby melted into her touch, and at her cuteness, and hid her face into Toni’s shoulder. She cleared her throat, and her voice barely came out of it when she asked: “Do you think we could ever be... more?”

There was an awful silence for like, half a minute and all Shelby could hear was Toni swallowing.
“How- how do you mean, more?”

“Nothing, I…” She felt so embarrassed.

“No, tell me, please.” Toni begged.

“I guess, I just… I like you, Toni.” Shelby finally confessed, her head still hiding into her shoulder, hiding her vulnerability.

And even though Shelby didn’t see her face, she could just feel that Toni had a hard time dealing with what she just heard. She was scared out of her mind but this still didn’t mean letting go of their hug, of her, she would never. They both would never just let go.

Toni hugged her tighter as she said: “Shelby, you… you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, and...it hurts me so bad to say this but- I don’t think I’ve got it in me to give you what you deserve.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Shelby asked, trying to swallow the lump in her throat away. She was certainly not expecting this answer.

“It means that you deserve the world and that’s not me.” Toni replied, voice breaking.

Shelby pulled out of their hug, to be able to face her and said with anger: “That’s bullshit.”

“It’s not, Shelby, you deserve better.” Toni said, with a determined tone but looking down, as if she was too self-conscious to look her in the eye. Not wanting to see her pain. Not wanting Shelby to see her pain.

“But what does this mean, does this- do you like me, too?” Shelby asked, swallowing, voice breaking at the same time. She felt so overwhelmed.

At that point, tears started rolling over Toni’s cheeks. “I don’t know, Shelby. Not like that, not right now.”

“God, what kind of vague answer is that? Just give me a yes or no. I deserve that. Do you have feelings for me or not?”

And the look on Toni’s face, it’s almost as if her heart was getting broken instead of Shelby’s. And maybe it was. “No.”

Shelby bit her lip, pulling on the skin and the tears started streaming down her face unavoidably. “Fuck.”

Toni placed her hand on Shelby’s. “I’m so, so sorry. I do love you. I just…”

“You just what? Find me a dumb fuck who is head over heels over you and is now sobbing in your car because you don’t feel the same way? Yeah well, same!” Shelby exclaimed, hurt and angry, mostly at herself.

“Shelby, no! I would never think that of you.” Toni replied, offended but reassuring at the same time.

“I just don’t understand. I just thought… I thought we did have something going on, somehow, I just… I felt it. But I guess love does make blind…”

“Shelby…”

“And now what? We’re gonna lose our friendship because… because I ruined it with my feelings, you’re unable to return my love and- and… my god, I sound so pathetic. I just can’t believe this is happening right now.”

“Shelby, please stop.”

“Did you ever even consider it? Liking me?”

“Shelby, please just. I can’t do this right now. I love you, but can you please just… I need to be alone right now.”

“Yeah, of course, thanks a lot. I’ll go.” Shelby said pissed off, soon regretting her tone, and even sooner feeling embarrassed about the way she reacted.

*******

After what felt like, an hour or two of crying, sobbing all her sadness out – funny though, how you cry it all out, but it’s still very much deep in there –, Shelby opens her windows widely. Breathing in the fresh air. Thinking back of their conversation for the thousandth time.

“I love you, but…I need to be alone right now” is a sentence that keeps repeating in her head. I love you isn’t something they often said, but they still have said it to eachother before, usually when they’re proud of eachother or when one of them is sad, or hurt. She feels as if this “ I love you” sounded different, though, but she’s not sure in what sense. This whole conversation was different, she knows, but there was still just something about it that she can’t let go off.

“I love you, but I can’t be friends with you anymore”
“I love you, but you’re overwhelming me right now”
“I love you, but you deserve better”

Which one could it be? She deserves better what? What?

“I don’t know, not right now.” And what’s that even supposed to mean? That she hopes her feelings might change someday so that she doesn’t have to hurt her?

Shelby tries to brush these thoughts off, but it’s very hard so. She grabs her phone, still no text or call from Toni. It’s been two hours since the whole, situation.

If you really never considered liking me, why would you say that you can’t give me what I deserve and that I deserve better? If it was clear all along, why not just say “i’m so sorry, but I don’t like you in that way.”

Shelby types, then quickly deletes.

How did you mean you haven’t got it in you to give me what I deserve? Does this mean you actually did consider liking me but that you don’t have the effort to get into it, or something?

Delete.

What did you mean with “you deserve better?”

Sent. Delivered. Fuck.

It takes like five minutes, Shelby not even daring to look at her phone, until she finally gets a reply.

It means that I’m not good enough for you, Shelby.

Shelby shakes her head in frustration and unbelief.

But why?

Toni types, stops, then types again. Shelby’s heart is racing like crazy. Then her typing stops again.

Shelby walks nervously around her room, the mascara still burning her eyes. Then her phone vibrates.

I’m picking you up in ten minutes.

Chapter Text

Shelby is surprised her lip is not bleeding at this point, by the amount of times she’s biting on it from her nerves. She grabs a make up wipe and removes all the left over traces off her face, most of it she cried off, though. But she doesn’t even bother fixing herself up, trying to look nice or trying to cover up that she spent the last two hours crying her eyes out, she doesn’t feel the need to. Not for Toni to feel bad for her, but because she doesn’t want to hide anything from her, not anymore, not at all.

She has no idea how she’s gonna come out of… whatever this is gonna be. Is their conversation just gonna continue the way it left off? Is she gonna tell her she wants to stop the contact between them or whatever? The latter is one thought, though, that she does manage to brush off. Even though her anxiety is taking control over her, she just knows Toni wouldn’t do that to her. And also not to herself. What they have is special, no matter what it is, no matter the misinterpretations of what it might be, it is special and something none of them would just give up.

Her phone buzzes.

I’m here.

Fuck. Shelby takes some deep breaths, trying to stay as calm as possible and to go into this conversation as strong as she can be, in this moment. She checks herself in the hall mirror quick, eyes watery and red spots all over her delicate, white skin. Before she knows it she’s opening the front door and she sees her sitting behind the wheel, not making eye contact or waving enthusiastically or even just smiling softly as she usually does, but looking down.
Shelby doesn’t even have to try to avoid thinking about what this could mean, or panicking, because the moment she sees her, she feels somehow calmed down.

“Hi.” Shelby says, in a neutral but soft tone as she enters the car and sits down, not knowing what else she could be saying.

“Hey.” Toni greets back, voice sounding hoarse, as if she has been crying the past two hours as well.

There’s a silence for a few seconds, not an awful one, but one that just feels needed.
Then Toni starts the engine, starting to drive as if her life depends on it. Not very much quicker per se, definitely still safe, but with more strength and determination. As if she has somewhere to go, and they’re not just driving around.

Five minutes later and none of them have made eye contact yet, and the silence feels as if it’s slowly killing Shelby. So she breaks it: “Where are we going?”

“Somewhere I feel safer to talk about this.” Toni replies, not deliberately trying to sound vague but with hope in her voice that this answer will be enough for Shelby to have some patience for her.

“Okay.” Shelby says, giving her that wished patience, but still feeling very nervous.

The drive feels like ages, and it’s taking Shelby great effort to not ask questions or to even just put her hand on Toni’s leg, or hand, she just wants to feel her contact. She just wants to feel that they’re okay.

Ten minutes later, they arrive at some old building. Shelby is confused as to where Toni is bringing her but she just goes along, she trusts her. They cross the road and when they’re at the front door, Shelby looks at the brunette surprised as she pulls a rusty key out of her purse. It looks as if it’s been there for years.

“Follow me up, top floor.” Toni says, determined but soft at the same time.

Shelby just does as she says. Once they arrive there, they sit down on the stairs. Apartment number 12, it says on the door.

“This is where I used to live as a kid.” Toni says, as if it would all make sense now. “Until I was 14.”

Shelby nods, and then it’s quite for a few seconds.

“I don’t care how sad this sounds but I’m more attached to this building, to this apartment than I have ever been to my own mom. And not at all because I have had any relatively nice experiences here, or felt at home, or felt cosy. Not… at all. But it’s the only place where I’ve experienced certainty.”

Shelby audibly swallows, unsure of what this conversation is leading to but proud of her best friend for opening up nonetheless. Talking about her past is something Toni barely ever did, she only told her the ins and outs. The fact that her mom was an addict and that that’s how she ended up in foster care.

“And sure, I wouldn’t know in advance which evening I would come home to find my mom drunk on the floor, without any dinner cooked for me – having to live on plain crackers or yogurt most days –, or which morning I would be woken up by my mom cursing about the fact she got a call from my school about my many unexcused missed attendances because of her oversleeping (and me not being able to be woken up by my alarm – I’m a strong sleeper), or when it would be a decent day where my mom would drink a relatively reasonable amount and actually watch tv with me. These evenings were my definitions of nice evenings, even though I would know damn well that my mom would catch up on her missed amount of alcohol the moment I would close my bedroom door. At least I knew that my mom tried for me that day, and those moments meant the world to me. Back then. Now though, fuck her. She didn’t even do anything close to trying for me, that woman. The certainty that I’m talking about though, is that I at least knew that no matter what happened, I would sleep in my bed that night. That was my safe zone. And you probably wonder why I’m taking you here, but I don’t know, it’s like, as if me talking about it here will make it limited. Like what gets talked about here, stays here, as if I can put my past in a little box and just leave that behind me, somehow, as I leave the building again.”

Shelby looks at her with compassion, wanting to touch her even more but now solely for the reason of comfort, support. She feels her pain so much that she’s forgetting about her own pain for the moment.

“But my mom, all she ever did, was promise me things. She never, ever kept those promises. She promised she would get better, she promised she would try her best for me, damn she even made promises about cooking dinner which she usually ended up not doing. I’m not even sure when her addiction went from light to moderate, or from moderate to severe. I remember her drinking ever since I could make sense of it. I remember it increasing every few months, but maybe that was mostly my awareness of it. I never even counted how many bottles she would drink on a day, I didn’t want to know. All I knew is that it wasn’t fucking normal. It was fucked up. Everything about it. And the moment I confronted her about it, it looked as I slapped her in the face. She didn’t reply and didn’t talk to me for days. When she noticed me drifting away from her, she finally did say: “I inscribed myself for rehab, baby. You’ll go live with Emmy, the months that I’ll be gone. I’ll be leaving on June 8th and will come back better for you.” Lies, all lies. I really doubt she even inscribed herself when she told me, or if she just did the moment she realized there’s no way out of her lies, because I started to pack my bags to go to Emmy.”

Toni isn’t even remotely done yet with what she wants to tell her, but Shelby can notice that what she need right now, is a short break. Or for Shelby to say something.

“What was Emmy like?” Shelby asks, obviously having a thousand other questions but she feels this one is safest. And she doesn’t want to bother Toni with any confronting ones, she just wants to be there for her.

“For sure a better person than my mom was.” Toni says coldly, directed towards the situation though. “What I liked about her is that she treated me like a normal kid, and not like a neglected one. She was sweet, but just how a normal mom should be. Told me what the house rules were and all that, treated me like her own daughter.”

A short pause follows, surprisingly without a tension because what the two of them have together, it just feels safe, no matter what. The patience and respect that they have for eachother, is exceptional.

“She had a daughter herself. Juli.” Toni continues, and it sounds more than just a fact she’s stating. “She was lovely. I got along with her very well.”

Toni clears her throat, before saying: “That’s how I figured it out. That I’m gay.”

“Because you liked Juli?” Shelby asks, interested.

Toni nods. “It wasn’t as simple as that, though. I ended up staying at Emmy’s for months, because my mom was in and out of rehab like it was a fucking white castle. And all those months I was trying to figure myself out, wondering if it was just admiration, wanting to be like her, or wanting to be her best friend. I even did some of those “am I gay?” tests, so untypical of me but anyways, the results were practically desperately telling me how big of a lesbian I was.”

Shelby giggles at this, and they can feel the mood lightening for a minute. “How did that make you feel?”

Toni shrugs. “I wasn’t immediately a hundred percent comfortable with it, but it felt right. It made sense, it’s just who I was, who I am. And it’s not like I had to worry about what my environment would think, since my environment consisted of Emmy, Juli, some neighbour kids – who I wasn’t even sure I would call friends – and my mom. It’s sad to say but I probably had never created enough of a secure attachment to my mom, to care about what she would think of me. And Emmy, don’t know, she seemed like she would be cool about it. I was wrong, though.”

“How so?” Shelby asks, concerned.

“Juli and I were watching a movie in the guest room – which was temporarily my room – one night, a romcom, which was her choice, you hear me!” Toni says, frowning defensively and slightly smiling.

“Hey, I for one know you’re a total softie, no need to hide!” Shelby says, teasingly and her heart melts at the way Toni’s expression softens.

“Anyways, we had to laugh so much and it was one of the nicest evenings I’ve ever had. I wasn’t sure how cosiness felt like, but I figured that moment must have been the definition of it. We were both laying down and I’m not quite sure how it happened, but there were some innocent touches, like her touching my hand or me leaning closer towards her. And then we kissed. It felt like it came from both sides, but it was mostly me who initiated it. It felt good.”

Toni swallows before she continues. “We didn’t really talk about it afterwards, which made me think it might not happen anymore or that I scared her away. That terrified me. I was wrong, though, because whenever we were alone she was sneaking in little kisses here and there. She often told me how beautiful she found me, especially with my hair down, that I’m cute and fun, that she likes to spend time with me and she would often invite me over to her room to “watch a movie”. It was clear we both just wanted to be in eachother’s presence as much at possible. And it felt so natural, there was no pressure or fear, it was just pure… pureness. It made me feel happy. This was a new emotion to me, as well.”

Shelby feels like she has to say something, but she’s unsure what the right thing to say would be. She tries her best, and it’s pure sincerity when she says: “That’s so nice, Toni. I’m happy that you got to experience that so positively, that’s lovely.”

“It was. Not for long, though.” Toni replies, tearing up. “One night Juli and I fell asleep together, cuddling. During the night we woke up, and Juli gave me a little kiss on the lips. And right as I leaned in for another kiss, her bed room door got thrown open. It was Emmy, who started her sentence with “Where the hell is…” – worried out of her mind thinking I had ran away or something – but her worry got replaced by disturbance. “What the fuck is happening?” is one sentence I remember, and it all just got worse from there. It’s funny how wrongly you can estimate someone’s attitude, because hers was so far away from what I could’ve ever expected from her. She pulled me out of Juli’s bed, brought me to my room and told me to never come close to her daughter ever again and that she’s gonna arrange something for me. Then she left, just like that. Leaving me in a dark room. I didn’t bother to turn the light on or do anything at all, I just sat there on the ground. I think I had my first panic attack that night.”

Before this moment Shelby would’ve thought that maybe it’s too early or too uncomfortable to show affection, but now she doesn’t doubt for a second as she shifts closer to her and puts an arm around her. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Toni appreciates her touch, she shows this by leaning in closer as she continues: “A million thoughts occurred to me that night, but none of them were close to what would happen in reality. When she said she would arrange something for me, never would I have even dared thinking that she meant she’s practically kicking me out, which apparently meant there’s no other option for me but to be sent to foster care. You would think, how could she have even arranged that when the plan was clearly me moving back to my mom after she comes back from rehab? Well guess what, my mom had no other friends or family next to Emmy, and Emmy made it clear enough to not want to have “someone like me” in her house any longer, which apparently left my mom no choice but to voluntarily put me into foster care.
She couldn’t care less about me being gay, but she was so mentally ill that she didn’t feel like she could care for me anymore. Said she had severe depression and that her addiction wasn’t improving, that rehab made her feel more sick. So she thought I would be better off this way. Fuck, she thought I would be better off in some stranger’s house, right after I just fucking lost the only people in my life I was ever close to and cared about. Fuck her, fuck. She treated me like some fucking game, probably thought she could just take me back when she would feel ready again. Kick me out again when she couldn’t handle me anymore. Dumbass. She ruined my life.”

Shelby squeezes her tighter and her tears slowly fall onto Toni’s neck, mixing with her own tears.

“I’m so sorry, Toni. I’m so sorry.” Shelby’s heart is breaking all over again. “Should we maybe go for a walk, get some fresh air? You really don’t have to talk about this anymore, I promise. Give your mind some peace.”

“Talking about this with you gives me peace, Shelby. And I need you to know, you deserve to know.”

“But please don’t feel forced to tell me, just because… I have feelings for you. That doesn’t entitle me to anything.”

“I know, it’s not that.” Toni replies, reassuringly.

“It’s been four years since the whole foster care process started, and I can’t even count on my fingers anymore the amount of foster families I have been part of. Some for a few weeks, some for months. The only one where I felt safe and could slowly settle in and tolerate, was the Blackburns. Thank god they’re the only ones who didn’t give up on me and don’t plan to. They’re so amazing, Shelby. They’re like the family I never thought I needed. And Martha, she’s magic. Some sisters you are born with I guess, but I chose mine. I feel so safe there and God, I’m just so lucky I found them. I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

“And you deserve nothing less, I swear.” Shelby says, rubbing her arms. Then, because she senses it, she asks her: “Are you ever afraid of losing them?”

“Yeah,” Toni replies, voice breaking. “I’m afraid of losing anyone I get close to, Shelby. All the time, all the fucking time. That’s the thing.”

And for what feels like the first time since this entire conversation, Toni fully faces her, which makes Shelby pull out of the hug so that they can make proper eye contact. She feels that’s what Toni needs.

“I never even got to talk to Emmy anymore after I got sent to foster care. Not that I wanted to, she betrayed me so fucking badly and I blame her for ruining my life as well. And I mean, it’s not that I still think my life is ruined, but lots of things… within me, are ruined. And Juli. She turned out to mean more to than I could have ever imagined, before we got separated. After the whole situation, we barely exchanged any sentences anymore. The kiss in bed was our last kiss ever. And every night after that, for years, I had trouble falling asleep and when I did catch some sleep, I had occurring nightmares. Nightmares about kissing Juli, or even just holding hands, and then Emmy walking in and abusing me with words and pulling me out of the room and throwing me out of the house. I often dreamt about her locking me into my room, and that I would stay there in the dark, screaming and crying, and she wouldn’t care. Other nights I would dream about her and Juli laughing as I get pulled away from their house and into foster care. Or about me and Juli being separated by some glass wall while we both cried and couldn’t talk. It was awful, Shelby. And all this fucked with my head so badly. I’m pretty sure I suffer from PTSD, and some other anxiety disorders. I never got diagnosed though, or gotten any help for it because I never admitted it to anyone but myself, which is bad, I know. I do wanna make a change in that.”

There’s a silence again.

“But what I wanted to say with this, is that this is what I meant by saying you deserve better. I meant that you deserve someone who’s emotionally available and mentally sane. Someone who isn’t gonna fear to lose you every second.” Toni admits, tone clearly softer than before, and she’s almost whispering when she says: “Fearing to lose you as, as my…girlfriend, or whatever we would be, if I would admit that I have feelings for you, too.”

“Y-you do?” Shelby asks, trying to hide her disbelief, heart starting to beat faster as she can feel her cheeks getting hot. She wasn’t sure what to expect, but certainly not this.

“I do, Shelby. I’ve thought about it every day in the past few weeks, as my feelings started to grow. And every second I wished that I would feel the same way in a relationship, as I did with Juli. That wasn’t a relationship, it was never even serious, but I meant the pureness, the happiness. And I’m so, so sure you would be able to give me that, Shelby, and so much more. And I want that so bad. I just don’t know if my mental problems would overshadow that, or ruin that, and that... that scares the hell out of me.”

Shelby doesn’t know what to say to this, her heart feels like it’s being stepped on, yet still uncovered from all the hard beating it did, but not by her feelings being crushed, but by the pain in Toni’s voice and eyes. She wants to put her in a bubble and to protect her forever.

“But earlier, hearing myself say no to you when you asked If I have feelings for you, that broke my heart. It made me realize, I don’t think I have it in me to be that scared about something that could be good. And it made me decide it’s time, to… to get help, professional help. I want to be able to love myself, so that I can fully love you, a hundred percent, with no reservations.”

A tear is streaming over her cheek again, but she sounds hopeful as she asks: “Shelby, would you be ready to…to wait for me? Like, until I’m ready, because I do… I do love you, so much. As way more than a friend. I’m crazy about you. But I- I promise, you can say no, I don’t expect you to and I completely understand that it’s unfair to make you wait for me when we both know there’s feelings involved and, I just. You can, say no, really.”

Shelby pulls her into another hug, hugging her as tight as possible, comforting her and they both can feel their hearts beating against one another. Seconds later Toni starts to sob as she asks: “So... w-what do you say?”

In reply, Shelby strokes her neck, before she takes a deep breath and gives her her conclusive answer.

Chapter Text

“I can wait.” Shelby says. “I want to wait. I’ll do anything for you.”

They hug lovingly and their hug has never felt like this ever before, so tight but so freeing at the same time. Full of so many emotions, predominantly hope.

“Thank you.” Toni sobs, gratefully. “Thank you, thank you.”

******

“Hiya love,” Mrs. Goodkind greets her daughter once she’s home again. “How was your day?”

“It was fine.” Shelby replies shortly, hoping it’s not visibe that she spent half her day crying.

“Did you do anything fun?” she asks kindly.

“I hung out with Toni.” Shelby repries quickly, trying to keep her tone as neutral as possible.

“How is she, by the way?” Mrs. Goodkind asks, a concerned expression appearing on her face, as she starts to set the table for dinner. “I ran into Mrs. Blackburn earlier at the supermarket, we caught up a little. She told me she’s been worried about Toni lately, that she’s been a little withdrawn, often saying she needs time alone, stuff like that. Have you gotten any clue as to why?”

Shelby avoids eye contact with her mom, swallows and can already feel a lump showing up in her throat. She can tell she’s still very sensitive. She tries to sound as confident as possible when she replies: “She seems fine to me.”

Her mom comments something under her breath, something like mothers instinct usually being right, completely ignoring the fact that she’s not her biological mother, which is actually beautiful because Toni does see Bernice as her real mom, but Shelby couldn’t care less about saying something back right now. “When I spent every night crying about being gay, because I knew you and dad would never accept it, where was your mother’s instinct?” is something she would’ve thought or wished to say, if only she wasn’t so caught up in her own thoughts about Toni right now. About their conversation earlier. About their current situation. About all her emotions that feel like they’re all running through her body, none of them knowing how to settle. No wonder, when they basically went from anger and heartbreak, to relief and… love? But at the same time, there’s also fear. She tries to ignore it.

“Melody! Spencer! Dinner’s ready.” JoBeth, Mrs. Goodkind, yells to her kids, who are in their bed rooms. Spencer is probably playing a game, and Melody is probably crafting something, Shelby thinks.

Her siblings come running downstairs, and their faces light up when they see one of their favourite meals on the table. Chicken parmigiana.

“Hey, have you become too old to greet me with a kiss now, guys?” Shelby asks, teasingly acting offended, as she gives them a kiss on the head and hugs them. “I’ve missed you two.”

“We see eachother…every day,” Spencer says, giggling. His younger sister giggles louder.

“Hey I know that, but I still feel like I see you too little with all the school work going on and working at Starbucks during the weekends.” Shelby says, defensively and she pouts.

“Maybe if you wouldn’t spend so much time with Tooooni…” Spencer teases his big sister, a huge smile appearing on his face.

Shelby, though, almost chokes on a piece of chicken. Why… why in the world did that sound as if he’s suspecting they have got something going on together? He’s tear years old, raised in a religious family where he has surely formed the idea that being gay is definitely wrong. Besides, why would he think that when it’s not even true? Surely nothing non platonic has ever been visible between them, at least not for anyone else other than herself. And maybe for Toni. Which she mostly thought was nothing more than wishful thinking, until...today.

Even JoBeth raises an eyebrow, and this gets followed by an uncomfortable silence until Shelby breaks it: “I… I’m gonna go to upstairs, I’m not feeling that well. The food was good, though, mom, thank you.”

She gets up immediately and rushes upstairs, to her room.

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way, Shelbs! I was only joking!” she hears Spencer calling after her, with a guilty tone to his voice.

“I know, love! It’s not that. I’m just tired!” she yells back, reassuringly, but untruthfully.

******

“Hey, Dottie,” Shelby greets her friend, who quickly replies at the other side of the phone call.

“Hello, Shelbs, is everything fine?” Dot asks, sounding happy to hear her voice but wanting to make sure that she’s fine first, because they usually either text or meet up. They have been friends since primary school, and even though they have been closer than they currently are, they still turn to eachother when they need someone to vent to, or when they need advice.

“I’m fine, yes,” Shelby replies. “but I just wanted to talk to you about, um, something. Do you have time?”

“Yeah, of course! Mates always have time for eachother,” she says, followed by a chuckle. When she doesn’t hear any laugh or comment coming from the other side, though, her tone switches to a more worried one. “What is it, did something bad happen?”

“No, no,” Shelby reassures her, and her tone successfully puts Dot’s mind at rest. “it’s just… you know Toni, right?”

“Yes, of course, your bestie,” Dot says, in the same teasing tone as Spencer did earlier.

“Okay, what’s up with this tone?” Shelby asks, slightly irritated, “You’re the second person today who seems to be, I don’t know, assuming something about Toni and I? What is it?”

“Shelbs, calm down, take it easy,” Dot replies, startled. “I didn’t mean anything negative with it. I just mean… please don’t attack me for this, but sometimes I just… sense more than platonic love between you two, in the way you talk about her. Which is a good thing! For me at least, don’t worry! I would find you two very cute together if it ever happens to be true!”

Shelby’s heart slightly melts at this. Then she says, happily: “I just love that even when we only talk every now and then, you still seem to know me so well. I love that our friendship never fades even when school and work gets the best of us.”

“Aw, how cheesy of you! I love that too, though,” Dot says, and Shelby can hear it on her voice that she’s smiling right now, “But wait… wait. Are you saying I’m right about what I said?”

“Mhm,” Shelby confirms, as she starts to blush. Thank god Dot can’t see that.

“Oh my god, what? Are you saying you two are A THING? Is that what you’re saying?” Dot asks loudly and enthusiastically.

Her reaction warms Shelby’s heart, but it also hurts to not be able to just say: yes. Because that wouldn’t be true, not yet.

“I mean, not yet. It’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” Shelby replies, quietly, to make sure her family doesn’t hear her even though they’re downstairs – and thank God her dad has a late shift at work, he would be the last person she wants to find out.

“I’m all ears.” Dot says, fully interested.

“So after school today she drove me home and I… I confessed that I have feelings for her. I’ve been thinking about doing it since weeks, if not months, but it scared the hell out of me. But my feelings just got stronger every day and I mean, I feel safest when I’m with her, and I didn’t want this to get in the way of us. So I figured it would be best to just finally tell her.” Shelby tells, “And I don’t know, I had a deep down feeling she might feel the same way.”

Dot nods, even though Shelby can’t see that, and she asks: “How did she react?”

And by thinking back of it, Shelby’s eyes immediately tear up again. “She was sweet about it. I mean, she hugged me and didn’t let go of me but…but then she told me she doesn’t feel the same way. She went on about me deserving better, that she’s unable to give me what I deserve, and she was just so vague about it. Like, when I first asked if she has feelings for me too, she literally said “I don’t know, not right now.”. It ended up with me going home, crying my eyes out. We met up again a few hours later, though.”

“I’m so sorry, Shelbs.” Dot says, sympathetically. “Did you have a good talk afterwards, at least?”

Shelby nods. “Yeah, it was good. For the both of us, I think. Or maybe not so much for me, but I don’t know, I understand her. I really do. It gave me a huge insight of her perception, her point of view.”

Dot would have wanted to ask what it is that she told her, but she could hear by Shelby’s tone that it might be something too private to share. Instead she asks: “Does she actually have feelings for you, too?”

“Yeah,” Shelby replies, and thinking about this fact alone makes her feel so many butterflies in her stomach. She still doesn’t fully realize it. “She does. And sorry, I can’t tell you the full story because it’s something so personal and I want it to stay between us, but basically…she’s not ready yet, but she’s in the process to be and she…I told her I can wait for her.”

“Did she ask you to?”

“Yes, but she immediately said that she realizes it’s unfair to ask me to and that I can say no.”

It was quiet for a few seconds.

“If she thinks so, then why does she ask anyways? Especially since she knows you have feelings for her, which well…obviously you’re gonna say yes.” Dot says, not harshly, but having Shelby’s best interest at heart.

Shelby reacts defensively though. “Jesus, Dot. I wanted to say yes. And don’t forget she has feelings for me too, we’re in this together. She obviously wishes she wouldn’t have had to ask me that in the first place, but with what she went through, I completely understand her. And she wants to try her best for me, why would I ever turn that down?”

“No, no, don’t get me wrong,” Dot says. “I don’t know what she went through, but she sure as hell sounds so brave for wanting to work on herself, in order to better herself and working towards a relationship. And it must have took her lots of courage to be so honest and open with you about such a sensitive subject. It’s just…don’t underestimate the waiting. I don’t know if you both talked about this, but I’m guessing none of you know how long this might take? And if the outcome of waiting is guaranteed successful?”

Shelby sighs, not really knowing what to say to this, feeling her anxiety returning.

“It does show how much you truly love eachother, though, it’s beautiful what you two have.” Dot says, honestly, “But just think it through, thoroughly. You don’t want to be putting your heart on the line.”

And just like that, Shelby bursts out in tears again.

“Thank you, Dot, for listening and yeah… I’ll think it through.” she manages to say, before hanging up and soon after that she starts to sob.

She doesn’t want to lose Toni, the thought of that alone is too much for her to handle, it devastates her. It hurts her, the thought of maybe having made a mistake, the decision she made. Obviously she’s aware the situation isn’t ideal, and she would do anything to just be able to be with her already, she wishes it so bad… she wants to kiss her, to cuddle her, to lie on her chest, falling asleep to the sound of her heartbeat, she wants her, all of her. It breaks her heart not knowing when this will come to reality, but it feels like an actual stab in the heart to think about the possibility of this being never. Like, if it doesn’t work out as they both so wish for, what then? She tries to stop her thoughts, today totally overwhelmed her and she figures it’s probably best to get some sleep.

She checks her phone. It’s ten, and she has an early shift tomorrow at Starbucks, so sleeping is not a bad idea at all. Before she does though, she goes to the iMessage app to text Toni goodnight. They do this every night.

Goodnight, sweet dreams x

Shelby types, and sends. And not even five seconds later, a reply appears on the screen.

Nighty night❤️

Oh my god, stop, Shelby thinks as her heart starts to beat faster and the butterflies in her stomach feel almost as intense as when Toni told her she has feelings for her. Nighty night and a red heart, she thinks, shaking her head and smiling. Toni never even said that before, it’s usually just goodnight, sweet dreams or sleep tight. And Toni never uses heart emojis. This girl really knows what she’s doing. Trying to sound extra cute and making Shelby fall for her even more. And for a moment, everything in the world feels right again. Almost as if the next day isn’t gonna be full of surprises, and not only pleasant ones.

Chapter Text

“Um, miss, I ordered a java chip Frappucino without espresso,” an annoyed customer tells Shelby, “the one I got is with espresso. I would like a new one.”

Shelby has to try her best not to tell him to fuck off, even though it’s her own mistake, she honestly doesn’t have the time or effort for whiny customers today. Or for anyone whining, at all.

“I’m sorry,” she says – she’s not –, “You will be getting your correct order in a few minutes.”

The guy nods with a sigh, and walks away to sit down on a bench, waiting. Some tall white man, somewhere in his thirties, acting like a little boy who has to wait a little longer for his lollypop. Shelby rolls her eyes and shakes her head, at this point not caring if he sees.

“The one I got is with espresso,” Shelby mocks him to her colleague – her favourite one, she’s glad it’s only the two of them working today –, “please tell me, why are men so whiny?”

Leah bursts out laughing. “What’s up with you today, Shelbs? Maybe the dude just despises caffeine. Maybe it makes him all jittery or something.”

“I don’t care.” Shelby says, but she manages to still smile at Leah, not wanting to direct her annoyance towards her. She hates that her concentration is so shit today.

When her alarm went off at 6 am this morning, the first thing she felt was the fluttery feeling in her tummy again and a wide smile appeared on her face before she even opened her eyes. She wished she wouldn’t have had to open them though, because it made her realize that it was all just a dream.
Because of course she had to have a dream about Toni. One where they had a sleep over, one that…changed everything. They were watching a movie together in bed, cuddling – so they were apparently one step further ahead of reality, she wishes – and Toni kept complimenting her, saying she looks beautiful and that she wishes she would be able to kiss her already, that she can’t wait anymore. And of course they ended up kissing and soon intimate touches followed, and as they were about to take it further she got woken up by her alarm. She was still shaking at how real it all felt. She closed her eyes for a few more minutes, hoping she could finish her dream because she just wanted to feel her. It left her all flustered and warm, before she remembered her phone call with Dot yesterday and it all hit her again that this happening might still be months away, longer maybe. Or maybe it will never happen at all. Fuck, she wouldn’t be able to handle that at all.
What she also realized, is that they haven’t even talked about how it’s all even gonna go from now on. Like, are they just gonna hang out as they always did, pretending as if nothing ever happened, as if there are no feelings involved? Shelby can’t even imagine this, it would literally mean that they’re both hiding their feelings except…they’re both aware. The thought frightens her, is it gonna feel like some wall between them, or as if they’re putting up an act? What if this makes them drift apart? What if this gets too complicated for Toni, and it’ll scare her away even more? What if there’s gonna be a tension every time they meet up? What if Toni loses the feelings she has for her? And the sleep overs, my God, how are those gonna go now… Because there are a thousand things Shelby wants to do to her, but she doesn’t let herself think about that too much yet.

She tried to stop her thoughts, tried to think about something else, unsuccessfully. She wished she could stay in bed all day, but unfortunately she had no choice but to go to work. Good thing is that she does enjoy her job at Starbucks, she loves making the drinks, especially the holiday themed ones and she adores to work with Leah. It’s been since the summer holidays – around four months ago – that Shelby decided to get a weekend job, she decided she wanted to know what it feels like to actually work for her own money, instead of relying on her parents. They didn’t initially agree, they found it unnecessary when they have the money anyway – how privileged – and they didn’t say it in these words per se but they basically found it too low, not worthy enough, like working as a barista doesn’t fit to their rich, posh reputation. Shelby couldn’t care less and it actually made her be even more excited to do it, even if it would just be to piss them off.

And she was happy to learn that she actually could enjoy the job, and having Leah as her colleague was an amazing plus. They didn’t know eachother before apart from maybe sometimes having seen eachother in the school hallways – she’s one year younger – but they immediately hit it off and could talk about anything and everything. Mostly light subjects and jokes, though, it’s not like they’re very close friends, just close colleagues who enjoy eachother’s presence.

A few hours later, when some rich looking lady raises her voice at Shelby, asking: “I CLEARLY ordered a Venti. Is there any explanation as to why I just got a Grande instead?”, she can feel her blood pressure rising.

It takes her great effort to stay calm and say: “Sorry, I must have confused two orders. I will remake your order and if you’d like, you can keep the Grande.”

When the woman furiously replies with: “No, thanks! I only have two hands and some people actually don’t want to risk getting espresso spilled on their clothes. Besides, I have a train to catch so if you could please hurry!”, Shelby loses it.

Her face turns red from anger as she says: “Well miss, sorry for the inconvenience but some people are trying their best out here and some people should maybe try be more decent human beings and appreciate that!”

Leah looks at her with wide eyes and whispers: “Shelbs…”

The lady looks like she has so much anger in her that she doesn’t even know what to say, but then does anyways: “Keep your order! I’ll be taking this but be aware: you’ve just lost a valuable customer.”

The lady storms off and Shelby laughs under her breath as she says: “Valuable… I swear some people, I can’t with them. They really think just because we’re working in retail, that gives them the right to treat us like scum. Dumbasses.”

Leah is still looking at her in disbelief, and some customers share the same look but eventually continue enjoying their drinks and companies, unbothered.

“Okay, that…you know what, respect Shelby,” Leah says, and starts to giggle as her expression changes from disbelief to pride. “Finally put one of them in their rightful place. She better doesn’t file a complaint though.”

Shelby shrugs and starts to giggle too, as if she’s only just starting to realize what she did. It’s usually very unlike her to do something like this, no matter the amount of customers she has insulted…in her head. “Good thing Lily loves me, she wouldn’t just fire me over something like this happening one time…hopefully.”

Leah nods. “And if she would, I would threaten her that I would be quitting too!”

They both laugh, and Shelby notices that it distracts her a little. Leah is fun. She can notice her checking around the place, to see if there’s no people around who would overhear their conversation. She’s glad one of the busiest hours of the day is over. And when she decides it’s safe, Leah asks, slightly concerned: “One question though, is something going on? You’re not being yourself today.”

Shelby blinks nervously, and realizes Leah is right. She is in fact not herself at all.

“Yeah…nothing huge,” Shelby says softly, which she knows is not true, “I just like someone and it’s complicated.”

Leah’s face lights up at the “I like someone” and she enthusiastically asks: “Oooh, who is it? Who’s the heartthrob?”

Oh right, Shelby thinks, Leah is actually unaware that she is in fact a lesbian. She could either pretend she’s talking about a guy, or she could just try to naturally mention that it’s about a girl, simply a girl. Because if she herself is gonna stay complicating her sexuality, not treating it as something as simple as it should be, no one else is gonna do that for her. And when she feels it’s a safe space, why not just tell? Hiding can be done enough at home.

And so she simply says: “Toni.”

Leah raises her eyebrows in curiosity: “Toni Shalifoe?”

Shelby’s heart already starts to beat faster at the sound of her name. God, she’s gone for this girl.

“Mhm,” Shelby confirms, awaiting her reaction, though she feels less nervous than expected. “Toni Shalifoe.”

Leah pouts and puts her right hand on her heart. “That is so adorable, Shelby. I love that for you. She’s cute.”

Shelby can feel her tension lessening, happy at the way Leah is handling it – with the simplicity she hoped for – and she defensively teases her: “Hey, she’s mine!”

Mine. Shelby feels a stabbing pain in her heart. Not yet mine, but mine, she thinks.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry! All yours.” Leah laughs, but then asks: “What’s complicating it, though? Hiding it from your family?”

Shelby shakes her head. “Hiding it from…ourselves.”

Well, this conversation is turning deep, she thinks. But nonetheless she feels like Leah would understand it, so she feels comfortable enough. And if she doesn’t get her frustration out now, or whatever it is, she feels like she might break something before her shift is over. So it’s for the best.

A confused expression appears on Leah’s face. Before Shelby can continue though, a customer comes in. “I’ll take her order,” Leah says, winking, meaning: don’t worry, you stay there, calm down and we will finish our conversation in a few.

Shelby smiles thankfully. And when the customer is gone, she carries on: “We both like eachother but we can’t be together yet, because she’s…not ready yet. But she’s working on it and I agreed to wait for her.”

Shelby can tell it’s sympathy showing up on Leah’s face. “Why isn’t she?”

“I can’t really tell you her situation because it’s so personal, but she’s been through some very rough stuff.” Shelby says, quietly.

Leah wonders: “Is she scared of commitment?”

Shelby bites her lip, thinking back of their conversation making her slightly nervous: “I’m not sure what it is exactly, I don’t wanna label it for her, but she wants to be with me, she’s just scared that she’s not enough for me.”

“Did she say that?”

“Yeah, she said I deserve better.”

“Did she define what she sees as “better”?”

“She said,” Shelby pauses for a few seconds, because she’s wondering if telling Leah this would mean oversharing their conversation or crossing a boundary, but then again she thinks Toni would understand that she needs to talk to someone about this, and it’s not like she’s sharing the details, “that I deserve someone who’s emotionally available.”

Leah visibly takes a few seconds to think it through. “You just told me that she shared a very personal situation with you, right? As in, her past?”

Shelby nods. “Yeah, we had a deep and detailed conversation about it.”

“Did she describe her feelings?”

“She did, yes.”

“Did she seem comfortable doing so with you?”

It started to sound like an interview, but Shelby could tell that Leah is trying to make a conclusion and so she lets her ask, and she replies: “I think she did, yeah. And I know she wouldn’t share something so personal if she wasn’t comfortable. Oh, and, she actually said “talking about this with you gives me peace ” and “I need you to know”.”

Leah seems amazed. “Okay so, I barely know anything about the girl and her situation, but honestly…I hope she knows, by doing this she has actually made the biggest step towards emotional availability. It shows she’s capable of doing so.”

A slight smile appears on Shelby’s face, and she feels her heart getting a little warm.

“And the fact that she opened up to you, had a deep talk with you about her feelings – which all are signs of being emotionally available to someone – about something you described as so personal, hence sensitive, it really shows that she is in fact making such a huge effort towards commitment.”

A sensation of relief goes through Shelby’s body: “I guess that’s true.”

Leah goes on with her observations: “And the fact that she did admit to having for feelings for you – which she did, right? – and that she told you that talking to you about difficult things brings her peace, I think she really trusts you, Shelby. You know what I think? I mean, maybe I’m wrong but, I think that she is ready deep down , but that she needs you to stimulate that and show her that you are willing to be there for her in this process . It doesn’t have to be after it. I think you should make sure she knows you won’t give up on her, that you’ll be a loving, supportive person all along. I think, together you could slowly start to build this into something beautiful, in her pace.”

It is now Shelby’s turn to look at her with wide eyes, amazed. “Okay, are you like… secretly a psychologist or counselor, or something?”

They laugh. “No, psychology interests me though, and I read…a lot. And I’ve been told I’m great at observing, and I might have experienced something similar to it, and it’s how I wish the other person would have handled it. I didn’t realize that back then, but I did soon after.”

Shelby’s face practically starts to glow, as if her fears slowly started to melt away and forming into new hope.

“But I mean, just because I think that, doesn’t have to mean it’s right! So don’t rely on this, please, I think it’s best to talk to her again, and properly discuss what both your expectations and hopes are.” Leah says, worried that she might be giving her false hope, “But I feel that you both will work it out, I believe in you!”

Shelby nods and smiles. “Thank you so much, Leah. I will talk to her soon.”

Leah’s advice feels like Shelby just got covered in a soft, warm blanket and she wants to hug her as a thank you, but they get interrupted again by yet another customer.

“Hello, I… my name is Anna.” The girl says. She seems nervous.

“Hiya, what would you like to order?” Leah asks, a little confused as to why the girl is introducing herself but she manages to hide this with kindness.

“I would like a flat white, tall. But um, I’m actually here for a question,” she says, as she nervously moves a strand of hair out of her face. “Are you maybe hiring anyone?”

“I’m not sure, the manager isn’t here today but I could ask for you and let her contact you. What’s your full name and phone number?” Leah asks friendly.

“It… it’s actually for my girlfriend. Oh god, this sounds so lame but, she keeps saying how much she wishes to work here but she’s too shy to ask. So I thought I’ll just ask for her.”

She turns around and glances through the glass doors, and smiles softly at her girlfriend who’s waiting outside – a short blonde with rosy cheeks, visibly trying to appear nonchalant but seeming timid nevertheless. She smiles back as quick as she looks away, probably embarrassed.

“That’s so cute! She doesn’t have to be though, we’re nice!” Leah says, fondly.

Anna smiles and seems more at ease. “I’m sure you are. Her name is Juli Meyer. I can write her phone number down for you.”

Chapter Text

It’s no surprise to Shelby when she bursts into tears the moment she closes her bed room door. She dries her tears as she enters her en-suite bathroom – yes, that’s how rich her family is – and washes her face, hopefully avoiding her eyes from burning like crazy from all the mascara all over again. She hates that she’s such a sensitive mess lately. She’s convinced the universe is trying to fool her, at this point. Why that name? It doesn’t help that Juli is a pretty uncommon name in her area, and the fact that she’s apparently openly gay… Could it be the Juli? Honestly, what kind of a coincidence would that be? Shelby almost laughs at the fact. It can’t be her. What if it is, though? What if she actually starts to work with her, increasing the chances of Toni seeing her again? What would that even mean, would she see them reuniting in front of her eyes and maybe falling in love all over again? Shelby shakes her head, she doesn’t even know if they were in love, plus they were kids, but she still sounded to have been pretty much crazy about her. She hates herself for the fact that she’s even overthinking a situation like this, she figures maybe it could actually even be good for Toni to find closure, and she feels lowkey selfish. And after all, it’s been four years. Maybe there is no reason to worry. Or at least, she wishes to believe that. When she realizes she’s unable to convince herself of this, she decides to text Toni – which she was gonna do, anyways.

Hiya, just got home from work. How was your day?

She decides it’s a good idea to try and find out if Toni for real is changing her way of talking to her, which would mean a step in the good direction and maybe it’ll help her convince herself that Toni is in fact really falling for her – not that she doesn’t believe her, she just needs extra reassurance – and on her way to be her…hers?

Helloo Shel, did you have a a good day? Mine was fine, was mostly boring. Glad you’re home

Toni is the only one who calls her Shel as a pet name instead of Shelbs, she decided she will never stop calling her that after Shelby told her that she is, in fact, allergic to shellfish. Shelby acted offended as Toni was totally dying over her own joke “Shel is allergic to shellfish, oh God, the irony”, but she was actually endeared by her silliness and so she just let her call her that. She loves it now, actually.

Shelby analyses the text. “Glad you’re home” is new, does she just simply mean it’s good she’s home from work or is there more to it? Like, that she’s glad she’s home because she wants to talk to her, or because she was bored, or because she missed her…? Shelby gets so caught up in her own thoughts, she almost forgets to reply. She feels stupid for the overthinking, all over again.

You there?

Shelby raises her eyebrows. Okay, no overthinking here, but Toni being impatient for her replies is definitely new.

I’m here, sorry, I got distracted. Yeah, it was a regular day, some annoying customers, but that’s nothing new

She gets excited when she sees the typing symbol showing up. Nothing new, but it’s a more intense excitement now.

That’s okay! Ugh, I have never even worked in retail and I swear I hate those customers with all I have. Did they snap at you?

Toni always wants to hear details about her day and always shows she cares, so that’s nothing new.

Yeah, I made two mistakes. I messed up some orders, and one woman thought she’s the queen or something, saying “some people actually do care about spilling espresso on their clothes” or something like that, and telling me to hurry up even though I was actually friendly to her. I told her off though, are you proud of me?

“Are you proud of me?” in a joking manner is nothing new either, though it does feel more meaningful and serious now. She wants her to be proud of her.

Are you kidding? What a bitch! You told her off?? Omg tell me more

Shelby is unsure if it’s just her wishful thinking again, or if Toni is actually replying way quicker than usual.

Yes!! I told her some people should maybe try having some human decency, because we actually try our best here. She left and said we just lost a “valuable customer”… please that had me almost crying in laughter

Oh my fucking god, that’s hilarious!! About time Shel, I’m so proud of you!!!! ❤️

Not the heart again, Shelby thinks. But who is she lying to? She loves it.

Thanks ❤️ I have to admit I’m proud of myself too

Shelby gets almost embarrassed at the fact that she didn’t even take a few seconds to think it through, sending her a heart back – she usually didn’t do this either.

As you should : ) What distracted you earlier btw? Did something happen?

Oh shit, Shelby thinks nervously. Is she really doing this?

Nothing serious, just my own thoughts haha

She decides to go along, now lying down on her stomach and feet in the air, fully enjoying whatever is going on.

It takes Toni a bit longer to reply now, but she does a minute later.

Daydreaming? ;)

No no no, is she actually flirting now? The wink, I swear. Shelby is amazed at the effect Toni already has on her, because she can immediately feel her cheeks getting hotter and a jittery feeling in her tummy.

Perhaps ;)

Oh God, Shelby thinks, I can’t believe I just did that. I flirted back? Shit, what is she even gonna say now? Is she gonna ask about what? This is a whole new level.

Can’t wait to find out about what ❤️

Oh my God. She is DELIBERATELY flirting now, Shelby thinks while she smiles so wide her cheeks – which got even hotter now – hurt. And she’s admitting she can’t wait? This girl, she needs to be stopped before I explode with love.

Can’t wait to show you ❤️

Shit. She hopes she didn’t take it too far with this. But Toni reassures her.

I appreciate your patience, Shel :)

Shelby melts at the softness and at this whole interaction. It’s making her feel so good. She replies with another red heart, and soon they’re texting about every day things again. She’s feeling so happy that she got what she needed, reassurance and knowing that Toni’s feelings are surely not fading. And finding out that they won’t completely hide the fact they’re into eachother.
Taking the step to have the talk with her, feels like it’s coming closer. It’s like her hope came back, and grew bigger. And Juli, who?

******

It’s with tons of sweat lingering on her body, that Shelby wakes up in the middle of the night. Her heart feels as if it’s beating out of her chest, and even though her room is pitch black she can feel the room shaking. But then she realizes, she’s the one shaking. She sits up and then it hits her, she had a nightmare. Fuck, she thinks, are you serious? She’s not sure who this question is directed to, probably the universe. She wonders what she did to deserve to have this horrendous dream about, of course, Juli and Toni. It actually started out nice. She dreamt that Toni showed up at her work, coming to pick her up and she was so endeared by this, the cuteness of it. Acting like the caring girlfriend that she probably would be. But of course Juli had to show up and ruin it, because the second Toni saw her, it’s as if Shelby disappeared for her. She stared at her with open mouth, and soon she ran up to her and they were hugging extremely tight for minutes, whispering “I missed you” and “I love you” into each other’s ear, which somehow, Shelby managed to hear. “We should get back together and catch up on all the years we’ve missed”, she heard Toni say and she wanted to scream out her pain and frustration, except nothing came out and the two started making out with eachother in front of her. Thank God she woke up then, though the damage was already done.

She feels on the verge of crying again. She checks her phone, it’s 3:22 am. A notification immediately catches her eye, a message from Toni: “You up?”, sent 32 minutes ago. Shelby’s heart starts beating even faster, because why would she be texting her that in the middle of the night when it’s a Monday tomorrow – or well, already is? Something is surely wrong, but before she can even do something about it, her phone starts to ring. Toni 💕.

Of course she immediately picks up, as tries to find control over her breathing. “Toni? What’s wrong? Are you okay, is everything okay?”

She hears Toni take a similar deep breath on the other side of the phone. “Everything is okay, don’t worry. Sorry that I woke you up. I just… Can I ask you for a favor?”

Shelby nods quickly. “Of course, always. What is it?”

“I… I already managed to plan an intake conversation with a therapist Tuesday afternoon. I would’ve never expected it to be so quick, most had a waiting list for weeks but one already had an available spot for me immediately. I was able to make a appointment online and I was happy knowing I’m able start the process so soon, but I….”

She talks so quick when she’s nervous. But then it’s quiet for a few seconds and even though Shelby feels lots of sympathy and wants to hug her and reassure her, she also feels scared that Toni might give up on trying.

But then Toni continues, still sounding as nervous: “Could you please come with me, Shel? Y-you don’t have to go inside with me, obviously, I think that’s not even allowed but… c-could you please drive me there and um, maybe…waiting in the car, for me? God this sounds so fucking stupid, but I’m scared out of my mind and…and the only thing that seems to calm me down is thinking of your presence. I need you with me, Shelby.”

The tears rolling over Shelby’s cheeks are for a whole other reason now, mostly relief, and love. “Toni, of course I will do that. I would love to.”

She can hear Toni sobbing, but she sounds more calmed down as she says: “Thank you so much, Shelby, you’re the best. B-but, it’s really okay if you don’t want to or if you change your mind, and I realize it sounds stupid that you bringing me and being outside the building even helps me-“

Shelby interrupts her: “Shh! It’s not stupid at all, it’s completely understandable. And I want to be there for you.”

And it’s a shame Shelby can’t see the brunette smiling fondly through her tears as she says: “I couldn’t have wished for a more supportive… um, person.”

Chapter Text

“Try to take some deep breaths. Maybe close your eyes, breathe in through you nose and count to four. Hold it to the count of seven, and exhale through your mouth to the count of eight,” Shelby says, “It’s called the 4-7-8 breathing technique, it usually helps me.”

Toni nods and closes her eyes to try it. Shelby can notice she’s shaking, and she wishes she could just stop the car and hug her and just protect her forever from any and all negativity in the world.
They’re on their way to the therapist, Toni’s appointment is in fifteen minutes from now and the closer the moment, the more anxious she seems to get.

“It’s all gonna be fine, I promise you that,” Shelby says to reassure her, as she looks to her side for a second. She wishes she could stay looking at her, but she has to focus on the road. “And you know, if you feel you’re not ready, you don’t have to go on with it. The only one who has a say in this, are you, you know that, right?”

“Yeah,” Toni replies, still having her eyes closed, “I just… I promised myself, to finally work on myself this time. To work on my self growth or whatever they call it. It’s about time, and you…you’re my biggest motivation, Shelby. I don’t wanna risk anything.”

Shelby puts her hand on Toni’s leg – this is something new, but she doesn’t care, it feels right. “Toni, listen to me. You are not gonna risk anything if you decide it’s not the right time yet for therapy. Wanting to take this step is already self growth, and I’m honestly the last person you have to worry about. I’m gonna be here for you through anything.”

Toni opens her eyes and smiles slightly, but the worry still apparent on her face. “Thank you, Shelby. Still I just… I need to do this.”

And before Shelby can reply, she gets distracted as they pass the mall and sees two very…familiar faces. No, you have got to be kidding me, Shelby thinks, this can’t be Anna and Juli I’m seeing right now.

“T-toni, um, maybe close your eyes again, this will help you calm down,” she nervously says.

Thankfully Toni does as she says, not questioning it, and starts to take some deep breaths again.
Juli has a dark blue woolen dress on, with tights and shiny ankle boots. Covering her is a beige, ribbed jacket. She seems to be laughing at a joke her girlfriend just told her, and Shelby hates that she has to admit to herself that she’s actually really pretty. She feels a heavy feeling in her stomach, and she’s glad she has to actually focus on the road, because if she wouldn’t have to, she would’ve spent ages staring at her to compare herself – something she’s unfortunately very good at.

A few minutes later they’re parked in front of the building. Grateful Guidance, it says. Shelby has a good feeling about it, from what she can see through the windows is that the the business looks fresh and neat. Light walls and lots of daylight, which should have a calming effect. Hopefully she finds a way to calm herself down, too.

“How are you feeling now?” Shelby asks the brunette, whose face still looks unsettled.

She shrugs, and Shelby can tell that she’s holding back tears. She’s glad she finally has the chance to fully turn to her side, and she grabs both her hands. “You can do this, okay? I am a hundred percent sure of it. You’re such a strong person, and I’m so proud of you. And please know: if you come back with a bad feeling, that is totally okay too. There’s no hurry, you are doing your best already and you can’t ask yourself more than that.”

And just like that, the tears are streaming over Toni’s face. Shelby instantly hugs her, her head laying on her shoulder the same way as it did when she first told her she has feelings for her. It feels so comforting, like her own little safe space. She hopes it feels like that for Toni, too.

“You’re honestly the best, Shel, you have no idea how much I appreciate your support,” Toni says, wiping off her tears and she hugs her tighter.

Shelby’s face is now basically pushed against Toni’s neck, so extremely close to it, and she’s having the hardest time trying not to kiss it.

So she pulls back out of the hug. “You gotta get going now, alright?” she says quickly, trying to ignore her mixture of emotions. A bittersweet combination of love, lust and jealousy. She pats the brunette on her shoulder – she almost wants to hit herself for how platonic this was, she would have rather kissed her, but well. “Good luck! I’ll be thinking of you, and remember: I’ll be right here.”

Toni thanks her again, smiles at her and then gets out of the car. And with a little wave, she disappears into the building.

Inside the car there’s the sound of a very deep sigh, and the blonde gets so irritated by herself for the fact that she’s imagining all the wrong things again. She’s annoyed because the main reason for her worries, is Juli. More precisely: a girl named Juli who she’s not even sure of being Toni’s ex girlfriend. She feels so dumb for it. It doesn’t help with eliminating the bitterness though, especially about the fact that if it is her, she looks well, very pretty, and she has traits she doesn’t think she has herself – being short (Shelby hates being so tall) and adorable, she bets Toni finds it endearing when a girl has to stand on her toes to kiss her, and apparently she also has a better clothing style. But mostly she’s bitter about the fact that she was Toni’s first love, and that she just seems to be getting closer to coming back into her life. And the fact that Toni is her first love, but Shelby isn’t hers, hurts her.
She can’t help but imagine bad scenarios, and apparently she spends half an hour doing so, because she only gets interrupted out of her thoughts when Toni pulls the door open again and sits down next to her.

“How did it go?” Shelby asks, her voice to her own surprise sounding a tad bit cold.

Toni lets out a deep sigh. “It went well, actually. God, I’m so relieved.”

And as she says this, she pulls Shelby into another tight hug. “Thank you for being there for me.”

The blonde can’t help but to melt into her touch, and she wishes thy could stay in this moment forever.

“I’m so proud of you, I knew you could do it,” she whispers, and she can slightly feel a lump appearing in her throat. She never wants to lose her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Toni nods, and Shelby is happy to see that her face finally looks like it always does – soft, delicate and glowing. She hopes that someday, she can be the reason for her glow. “But can we maybe go for a walk, at the park? I need some fresh air.”

“Mhm,” Shelby agrees, as she starts the engine again.

******

“So basically, it was mostly like an interview. She asked me lots of questions, using different questionnaires. I’m pretty sure she used the ones based on PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Separation Anxiety, though she said she’s mostly suspecting I have PTSD, so post traumatic stress disorder. She’s gonna take a good look at all of my answers and she will discuss it with her colleague, the directing therapist. She’ll call me back within a few days with my official diagnosis, and to plan the next appointment.” Toni tells, seeming more at ease than earlier.

Shelby looks at her with an understanding look, and asks: “How did it feel like to get the confirmation that you most likely suffer from post traumatic stress disorder?”

“I’m not sure, I think I didn’t really have the chance to process that yet,” she replies “but I feel like, the fact that I talked to someone who is specialized in this area and will professionally help me, it feels really good. At least, that’s how I feel right now and I hope it will stay this way.”

Shelby smiles. “I’m so glad to hear that, that’s so amazing, Toni.”

Toni smiles back, and for a while they’re just walking without saying anything, until the brunette decides to sit down on a bench and the blonde follows her lead.

“Is something wrong?” Toni asks, looking a little concerned.

“No, why?” Shelby asks, nervously.

“I don’t know,” Toni says, as she looks down to her feet, “it just feels as if something might be up.”

“No, I was just thinking about some things,” she says truthfully.

She sees Toni looking at her, but she doesn’t see that Toni looks slightly disappointed that her expression doesn’t seem like she meant her secretive way of saying she’s daydreaming about her.

“Which things?”

Shelby shrugs. “It’s just dumb things.”

“Hey, you’re the one who’s always telling me I’m not being dumb or stupid so now it’s my turn: I’m sure they’re not dumb things,” Toni says, elbowing her teasingly, “please tell me.”

“Can I ask some questions?”

“Of course.”

“Were you in love with Juli?”

A startled expression shows up on the brunette’s face, but she replies: “Um, I’m not sure. I think I was, but it was more the…surface level kind of it, if you know what I mean? Like… butterflies and wanting to kiss her all the time and yeah, she made me happy, and meant a lot to me, but we never got the chance to take it to a deeper level, you know? Plus I was a kid, but I don’t know, I guess I was.”

Shelby is surprised by the extension of her answer, and she’s not sure how to feel about it. She softly nods. “What did you love about her?”

The brunette raises her eyebrows, seeming unsure as to why Shelby is asking her these things. “Um, I loved how much fun we had together. And I loved that she looked at me which such…admiration, or love, but I don’t know, that’s a big word. But every time I looked at her I could see how much I meant to her and that made me feel so worthy, and special.”

The blonde nervously bites her lip. “I’m so glad she made you feel that way,” she says, and it’s not a lie, she is really happy Toni had someone who made her feel worthy, because she didn’t have anyone else who made her feel that way and she so is. She is so worthy and so special.

Toni smiles, and the blonde knows it’s meant as a thank you. She adores her smile, and the fact that she has different smiles, and how well she can tell them apart.

She’s unsure if she even wants to hear the answer to this but she asks her anyway: “How did she look like?

Toni is quiet for a few seconds, seeming to avoid eye contact and she looks into the distance as she answers: “Um, she had blonde hair, lots of curls. She was always short for her age, even shorter than I am, actually. And I don’t know, she always looked like a spontaneous and cheerful girl, which encouraged me to try and see the world as…as a better place as well,” she says, but then sighs: “but maybe all this is just me seeing her and our situation through rose tinted glasses, because after all, she gave up on me too, which then traumatized me, so…”

Shelby feels a sense of relief for a second when Toni says “lots of curls” because the Juli she saw, her hair was actually straight, but then she feels stupid because well, obviously she could have straightened it. And for the rest the description sounds pretty accurate, so she decides she’s practically convinced that it’s really her. She shifts closer to Toni, trying to show her comfort, because she immediately starts to feel guilty again that she even cares about this when Toni is actually talking about her trauma. But nevertheless she doesn’t feel like she’s done asking yet. The answers are actually not making her feel better, but she still wants to have them.

So she continues: “D-do you feel like, if you were to meet her again, that you could get feelings for her again?”

Shelby gets startled when Toni gets up abruptly and her tone changes completely. “Actually, I prefer not to talk about this anymore. And what’s up with all these questions anyway? Why are you not asking more questions about therapy? I just took such a hard step, yet all you seem to care about is Juli!”

The blonde is almost tearing up, not having expected this reaction at all. And Toni never snapped at her like this before. But what she doesn’t know, is that it’s not anger Toni is feeling, but fear to lose her and fear to have scared her away with her past.

“Sorry I… I didn’t mean to snap at you, and see this is what I meant!” Toni says, face looking everything but soft, and then almost whispers: “that you deserve better.”

Shelby shakes her head, gets up and puts both her hands on Toni’s arms, trying to calm her down. “Toni, stop…”

But Toni shakes her arms, letting go off Shelby’s hands and takes a few steps back. “No, I… I- why were you asking those things anyway? Are you doubting my feelings? Are you doubting me?”

“No, I’m not!” Shelby says, trying to reassure her but feeling overwhelmed at the same time, not knowing how to calm Toni down, not having been in this situation ever before.

“Clearly you are!” Toni says, going against her, voice louder and breaking. “And I don’t blame you, anyways. Now please just…I want to walk home, alone.”

“Toni, no…”

“Shelby, please, leave me alone! I need it. I... I just. I need to think things through.”

Shelby watches her storm off – face red and an expression that on the surface looks like anger, but on the inside is a whole conflicting battle going on within herself – and she wants to do nothing but to go after her and never letting go of her, but she feels like she’s frozen in time and can’t move, like she’s drowning in regret and disappointment – in herself, not Toni, not ever in Toni. The tears are streaming down her cheeks and into her mouth – creating a cold, sharp sensation in combination with the piercing wind, very much similar to the pain in her heart – as she watches the girl she loves so much, disappearing out of sight.

Chapter Text

“Oh, hey Shelby! What a surprise,” Dot exclaims excitedly, when she opens her front door and sees Shelby standing in front of it. When she sees that her friend’s face looks red, though, she changes her tone: “W-what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

Instead of replying, Shelby just falls into her arms and Dot instantly hugs her as the blonde starts to sob on her shoulder.

“Oh no, love,” Dot says with sympathy in her voice, “Come on in. Whatever it is, it’s gonna be fine.”

After they sat in complete quietness – apart from Shelby’s sobs – on Dot’s bed – her arm around her, petting it in a comforting way – the silence gets broken by a ringtone. It’s Shelby’s phone. Toni 💕. Of course. Dot shifts a bit further away from her, trying to give her space – both literal and physical – and looks at her with a look that seems questioning. And with a look that seems like her assumption of Shelby’s sadness having to do something with Toni, just got confirmed.

“Are…are you not gonna pick up?” Dot asks.

Shelby shakes her head, still trying to get control over her breathing after the endless sobbing.

“Did she hurt you?” Dot asks, and she sounds worried.

In reply Shelby shakes her head again, but also finds the effort to answer in words this time: “I… It’s me, I hurt her. I fucked up Dot, I really fucked up.”

Dot instantly puts her hand on the blonde’s shoulder and it’s with sincerity when she says: “I’m sure that it’s not as bad as you think. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

In return, Shelby takes a deep breath. “I think I saw her ex.”

Dot blinks, and just waits for her to continue.

“More precisely, I think I saw her first love. And instead of dealing with it like a normal minded person would, I started to worry about her constantly, even had a nightmare and all that, how pathetic is that?” Shelby says, and continues: “Anyways, today she took a really important step…she went to therapy. And afterwards I caused a fight.”

“Because of her ex?” Dot asks.

“Yeah, I started to ask all sorts of questions about her.”

“What did you ask?”

“How she looked like, if she could get feelings for her again, stuff like that.” Shelby replies, and feels even more embarrassed admitting that out loud.

“Shelby…” Dot says, with a quiet voice.

“Yeah I know.” Shelby says, feeling disappointed in herself. “And it made her feel like I was basically ignoring her achievement.”

Dot nods slowly and asks: “Do you understand that she feels this way?”

Shelby breaks the eye contact and looks down at her feet, like a kid who’s admitting their mistake or mischief. “Yeah, I do. I wish I wouldn’t have asked those questions, that I wouldn’t have let my fear take control of me. Fuck, I want to be there for her and show her how much I support her, but I fucked up and now I don’t know how to fix it. We were at the park, right after her therapy session and we talked about how it went, then I made it all about myself and after the fight she left, seeming mad, and I let her go. I didn’t talk to her ever since, and at this point I’m afraid to.”

Dot is quiet for a few seconds, thinking it through before she says anything.

“Can you tell me your opinion?” Shelby then asks. “Yes, even if includes blaming me, I deserve it. I know I’m in the wrong.”

“Shelby, what I’m about to say is not with the intention to blame you, you know that,” Dot says in a reassuring tone, before she continues: “But yes, you shouldn’t have started about her ex, especially not confronting questions about feelings and what not, and certainly not after a therapy session. And I’m talking from experience when I say that after you had therapy, and you’re lucky enough to have someone to confide to about it and share your experiences with, all you mostly want is for this person to listen, and to be there for you. And I’m sure that Toni knows you are, but I feel like the way you turned it around about your own worries might have contradicted that.”

“God, I really fucked up, didn’t I?” Shelby asks, tearing up and her fear growing.

“I wasn’t done yet.” Dot says, and she clears her throat before she says: “As I said, Toni for sure knows that you are there for her, her support person. And I believe she’s not gonna change her mind about that after one fight, it happens, but what I do think you should do, is to make sure you fix the…the damage, you know? Let her know even more than usual that you support her, fully, completely. That you’re gonna be there for her no matter what, that you will listen to her whenever she needs to, that you will offer her comfort when she’s in need of it. And I think you should apologize.”

“Yeah…” Shelby says, and she looks into Dot’s eyes again, “Yeah, you’re right.”

Dot slightly smiles, she’s glad to see that her piece of advice might have helped her a little bit. “But on the other hand though, I don’t think your own feelings are invalid, Shelbs.”

“You don’t? Don’t you think I’m just exaggerating with my jealousy?”

She shakes her head. “Your feelings are valid no matter what. It’s not like you choose to feel the way you do, and I mean, I don’t know anything about the situation with her ex, but if it’s affecting you so much, I do think you should communicate with Toni about it. But please, please make sure that it’s completely separate to your conversation about therapy, or any other vulnerable conversation. Like, don’t turn a sensitive conversation into something it’s not, it could make someone feel like their own feelings or their own story is overshadowed and less important. It just causes fights and miscommunications.”

Shelby agrees. “I’m gonna call her. I need to fix this.”

“Should I leave the room so you can call in peace?”

Shelby nods, and smiles thankfully. She’s lucky to have such a good friend.

She quickly goes to the missed call on her phone, and clicks on it. She takes a deep breath. Her heart starts to beat faster every second, and the more beeps, the bigger her fear gets that she might not pick up. But then she does.

“Hi,” she hears Toni say, voice soft and vulnerable. A bit shaky, even.

“Hey,” Shelby replies, in the same soft tone. She clears her throat. “I… I wanted to apologize, Toni, I-“

“Don’t,” Toni replies, her tone a little harsh, “you don’t have to. I shouldn’t have ran away like that.”

“No, Toni, I do have to.” Shelby says, sounding determined. “I’m really sorry, genuinely. I should not have started about… about Juli. It was the worst timing, I realize that now, and I just want to let you know that this doesn’t take away any of my interest about your therapy session. It doesn’t take away any of my pride, Toni, it was just the wrong time and i… I’m sorry, really, please tell me everything. About your therapy session.”

Toni doesn’t reply, Shelby just hears her breathing.

“Toni?”

“Sorry, I…” she pauses again for a few seconds, as if she’s contemplating what she’s about to say. “Could you maybe, um, come over tonight? C-could you sleep over?”

Shelby swallows, as her heart starts to beat faster. She wasn’t expecting this at all, and she’s not even sure how she feels about this, but she replies: “Okay.”

“Thank you,” Toni says, voice softening more – still not it’s usual softness, but sounding like that’s slowly coming back.

Shelby still decides to ask: “Do you accept my apology? And… are we um, okay?”

“I do.” Toni replies. “I just need you with me. Could you maybe just…come now?”

“Um, yeah, I… I’ll head home and get my stuff, then I’ll be on my way.”

“Where are you now?”

“I’m at Dot’s, my friend from primary school who I sometimes tell you about,” Shelby replies.

Toni is quiet for a few seconds, Shelby is afraid what she might think and unsure how Toni means her reply when she says: “Okay.”

******

To Shelby’s surprise, the tension when she first saw Toni again was actually bearable. She wasn’t sure at first if Toni is just putting up a façade in front of Martha and her mom, if this was the reason they hugged and talked like they usually do, but when they entered Toni’s room and Toni smiled her soft smile at her, she knew everything is fine between them – or at least will be.

Usually with sleepovers it’s the other way around – Toni sleeping over at Shelby’s – and so that’s why Shelby forgot how much smaller Toni’s bed actually is in comparison to hers. This was never a problem, because the two times that she did sleep over here, they were before feelings got involved. She remembers enjoying the closeness though, but she’s already afraid of the way she’s gonna enjoy that tonight. It already startled her that she almost couldn’t control kissing Toni’s neck when she hugged her in the car earlier today. She wonders if sleeping together is gonna feel nice, or tense, or bittersweet, or… she stops her thoughts, right in time, because Toni could apparently notice that Shelby got distracted.

“You alright there?” she asks her, sitting down, and she pats with her hand on her bed. “You can sit down next to me, you know.”

Shelby replies nervously: “Yeah, yeah, um… I know.”

Toni smiles at this in an endeared way and has to stop herself from giggling. The blonde sits down next to her, without making eye contact and she’s not sure what to say. For some reason she feels more nervous than the first time they met up after they both were aware of their feelings for eachother.

And it feels totally unexpected when the brunette wraps an arm around her and pulls her slightly closer. “We’re alright, Shelby, no need to worry, we can forget about what happened earlier. Okay?”

Shelby just nods, unable to hide her relieved smile, as she melts into her touch yet again. She definitely still wants to talk things out with her, but for now, if Toni says they’re okay, then she wants to believe in that. So she switches the subject: “Do you wanna watch a movie?”

“Yes!” Toni exclaims ecstatically. “Do you wanna choose one today?”

“I’m not sure, I’m kinda in the mood for a horror movie,” Shelby replies.

Toni laughs. “Well, that’s new.”

Shelby blushes. “That’s not a bad thing, right?”

“Of course not,” the brunette replies, and she pats her on the knee – what was that, and why did that feel as platonic as it did? Shelby wonders. Toni gets up quickly and nervously from the bed and looks Shelby in the eye, but she seems calmer as she softly says: “It can be good.”

And Shelby is unsure if Toni might be referring to their growing…bond or something – she’s unsure what to call it yet, but she can feel that their eye contact is longer than usual and she hopes that she’s right with thinking that it’s desire what she sees in her eyes. And she wishes they could stay in this moment forever, looking at eachother this way and feeling the love, but they get interrupted by a knock on the door, it’s Mrs. Blackburn telling them dinner is ready.

******

Even though Bernice’s spaghetti bolognese was absolutely terrific, Shelby had a hard time getting the food through her throat, because all she could think about is I’m gonna be lying in bed with Toni later, we’re gonna be close, we’re gonna be touching. And she got a feeling Toni might feel nervous too, because she wasn’t as involved in the conversations with her mom and Martha as she usually is.

So Shelby is happy when family time is finally over, and they head back to Toni’s room.

“You can go get into your sleeping clothes in the bath room, if you want,” Toni says, “I… I will be changing here, then, is…is that okay?”

Okay, she’s definitely nervous too, Shelby thinks. “Yes, of course,” she replies with a smile.

After Shelby got changed, she knocks on the bed room door to make sure Toni is done, and when she walks in she has to try so hard to not stare at her for too long. She’s wearing striped shorts and a black satin cami top. Her olive skin is glowing and looks so delicate, and Shelby tries to ignore how attractive she looks in her top and the way it complements her figure so well. They smile nervously at eachother and Shelby gets into bed, covers herself in the soft blanket that smells like Toni - lovely and safe -, as if this might be able to hide her feelings of attraction, as well.

“We could watch Crimson Peak, have you heard of it?” Toni asks, as she opens her closet door.

“Oh yeah! It’s been on my to watch list, actually,” Shelby replies, sounding excited.

“Great!” Toni says, smiling as she starts to mess with the clothes in her closet.

“I’ll already look it up on your iPad,” Shelby suggests, “Are you looking for something?”

Toni nods, opening the other side of the closet. “Yeah, my beige sleeping shirt.”

Shelby looks at her a little confused. “You don’t like your current, um, top?”

Toni seems to blush as she says: “It’s a little um… cold.”

The blonde raises on eyebrow, but Toni doesn’t see. “Here it is!” she hears her say.

She folds it open and Shelby immediately asks: “Oh, um, I should leave the room for a second, or? So you can change?”

The brunette breaks the eye contact, swallows and almost stumbles over her words when she says: “Um, no, it’s okay… you can stay here. I- I’ll just turn around.”

Shelby nods, feeling her heart starting to beat faster, watching Toni turn around with her back to her and undressing her top. She would look away, but she feels like she’s physically unable to. She’s mesmerized by the way her body looks and by the way her black lace bra is hugging her body – even though she can only see the back strap. She feels like she has never seen anything hotter, not even her cheeks feel like a good comparison, even though they’re burning from how hot they became. She wants nothing more than to touch her, her fingertips running over her body and then grabbing her closer to kiss her. She’s captivated by the way the brunette pulls her shirt over her head, she can’t help but find every little movement of her so beautiful, so irresistible.

And just like that, Toni turns around again and gets into bed, covering herself under the same soft blanket, not yet touching Shelby but still so extremely close to her. “So, let’s start the movie!”

“Oh,” Shelby says, startled, “I was looking for it.”

Toni looks down at the iPad screen, opened on the Netflix home page, and raises an eyebrow. “Were you distracted, or something?”

Shelby thought it’s not possible anymore at this point, but her cheeks start burning and reddening even more. “No…”

Toni chuckles, and continues in a teasing tone: “I believe you. I totally do.”

Shelby honestly wishes she could either disappear, or that Toni would kiss her. But instead, they actually start to watch the movie. Every few minutes they seem to be getting closer, making comments about the movie every now and then, Toni teasing Shelby because she keeps getting scared so easily – according to her –, but they both seem to get startled for a second when their hands touch. But it’s not like a shock, more like a magnetism, once they touch, they don’t let go. Shelby’s fingertips are lying in Toni’s hand palm, their hands melt together and it feels so natural. They stay in this position for a few minutes, both not lying down in the best position to be able to see the movie, and not moving nonetheless because they don’t wanna let go off the touch.

Shelby’s heart feels like it’s jumping out of her chest, in the best way possible, when she feels Toni grabbing her fingers and pulling their hands tighter together. They don’t say anything but their breath and touch make them feel so connected, breath getting heavier, the sound of the movie fading into the background. The brunette is staring at the screen, not moving her head, but Shelby sneakily looks at her and can tell that her mind is everywhere but focused on the movie.
Shelby thinks it’s her time to make a – small but significant – move, and she moves her head slightly, so that she’s now leaning more on Toni’s shoulder than against the pillow. They stay like this for around an hour, sometimes making comments about the movie again, but all Shelby can think is please cuddle me, cuddle me more, let’s cuddle for the rest of the night, I love your closeness, I love your smell.

When the movie is over, Toni slowly gets up, smiles at her and says: “I’m gonna go brush my teeth, I’ll be back in a few.”

“Okay,” Shelby replies, smiling back, leaning against her pillow again, missing Toni’s warmth already.

Moments later, she’s back in the room, and Shelby has her eyes closed but opens them slightly. And she’s glad she does, because what she sees, she’s absolutely mesmerized by. The brunette removes her hair tie, her ponytail disappearing and her hair falling down on her shoulders like waves. Like beautiful, calming waves. Her warm brown hair bounces with every movement, transforming her face from soft to soft, softer, softest cutie, according to Shelby. It complements her olive skin and big brown eyes ever so perfectly, and Shelby could try – though she doesn’t – but can’t stop staring.

“Miss Shelby,” Toni says, teasingly and tilts her head: “Are you perhaps staring at me?”

Shelby closes her eyes, feeling caught and shy. “No…”

Toni chuckles again. “Now, I’m not believing you this time.”

Shelby closes her eyes even tighter, bites on her lip.

And it’s like Toni can’t stop giggling at this point, and she continues with teasing: “Shelby, I know you have a cruuush on me, just tell me what you thought while you stared at me?”

Stop, stop, stop, I can’t believe this girl, Shelby thinks, wishing she could control her blushing but knowing how much she’s enjoying this, enjoying the flirting, and all the butterflies in her stomach, every single one of them.

She opens her eyes and sits up. “Okay,” she says, nervously but determined at the same time.

Toni walks closer towards her, until she’s standing in front of her and she raises an eyebrow in curiosity, as if she wants to say: okay, come on, let me hear it.

Shelby is unsure where the courage came from, but she looks her straight in the eye when she admits: “I was thinking that you wearing your hair down makes you look like a princess and that it gives me butterflies. You look beautiful.”

Apparently it’s now Toni’s turn to get shy and blush, because she looks down and even though it’s dim in the room, Shelby can see that her cheeks are getting a little pink. She also sees a little smile appearing on her face. All she can think is you’re so cute, you’re just so cute, kiss me, please kiss me.

Shelby takes Toni’s hand, and this makes her look up. She can see it in her eyes again, the desire.

“And what do you think,” Shelby asks, “when you look at me?”

The desire in Toni’s eyes seem to grow, like she’s both purposefully and naturally intensifying the eye contact between them, as she replies: “I think that I want your lips on mine right now.”

And this sentence, this damn sentence, it spreads goosebumps all over Shelby’s body and she loses control over her actions as she pulls on Toni’s hand, to quickly pull her into her, so quick that she falls into her lap, and their lips fall even more naturally on each other’s. Their lips feel like cushions, like clouds against one another, moving so naturally like they practically beg eachother kiss me, kiss me more, never stop kissing me.

Chapter Text

They kissed like their lives depended on it, desperately, like it made them both feel like they went to heaven and came back, as Toni cupped Shelby’s cheek delicately into her hand and told her to wait a second. She tiptoed to her bed room door, and locked it. The brunette then hurried to bed with a mischievous smile, lied down and pulled Shelby towards her, making out with her and pulling her as close as possible, making it clear that her jaw and waist are her favorite places to grab her by. Shelby was too flustered to even think what this was gonna lead to, but she was very satisfied when they fell asleep cuddling, peacefully in eachother’s arms.

But when she wakes up in the middle of the night, Shelby is surprised to see that Toni is nowhere to be found, at least not next to her where she wants her to be. She touches the sheets with her hand palm on the spot where Toni was lying down, and it still feels warm so she figures that she probably just went to the toilet. But when she’s not back ten minutes later, Shelby starts to have a weird feeling and she gets up to go looking for her.

The bath room light is not on. Great. She walks downstairs, and it’s pitch black there too. She’s about to walk back to the bed room – quietly so that she doesn’t wake the rest of the family up – to grab her phone and call Toni, but through the windows she sees something moving in the garden. She gets startled for a second before she sees that it’s Toni.
She’s sitting still on a bench, she can’t see her expression. Shelby tiptoes to the door – not sure who she’s hiding from – and slowly walks towards the brunette, who seems to just be staring into the distance.

“You okay?” she asks her, whispering.

Toni moves her head towards her, seeming a bit startled. “Yeah, I just needed some fresh air.”

Shelby nods. “Can I…?” she asks, and gestures if it would be okay for her to sit down next to her.

Toni nods with a little smile, but then stares into the distance again.

It’s quiet for a minute.

“The answer is no, by the way.” Toni says after a while.

“What?”

“If I could get feelings for Juli again,” Toni says, “I got over her a long time ago and I would rather forget about anything that happened in that time frame.”

Shelby looks at her, with a soft and understanding expression. “You don’t have to talk about it, I promise.”

“I know,” Toni says, “but it’s unfair for me to run away when you have questions. I need to learn to be open with you, even when it’s about a sensitive subject.”

She picks at her nails before she continues. “I had contact with her, after…after I moved in with the Blackburns. After I finally found a place where I could settle down with a feeling of certainty that I could actually stay here, that they’re people who wouldn’t easily give up on me. I never even thought I could have that kind of feeling of hope again, but when I did – thanks to how welcoming and absolutely amazing this family is – it’s like I found back some peace within myself. But I realized that to find peace within myself, I would also need closure to some stuff. Especially with the nightmares and sleepless nights going on. And yeah, I wasn’t brave enough yet for therapy back then, but I did have the courage to contact Juli.”

Shelby looks at the brunette, compassion filling her eyes. “How did that go?”

“I looked her up on social media and I messaged her. I wasn’t sure at that point what I wanted exactly, I just knew that I didn’t want my last memory of her to be what it was. I told her I would spare her the details of what I went through, but that I finally found a family where I could settle and that I felt at home again. And that feeling at home is something she managed to make me feel whenever I was with her, and that I want to thank her for that. I said that I’m not holding any grudge against her, that I don’t blame her for what happened, and that I wish her all the best in the world.” Toni tells, “And I also added that this is not my way of wanting to stay in contact or wanting to create any relationship whatsoever, but that I simply wouldn’t have been able to have peace if I wouldn’t have let her be aware of these things.”

Shelby shifts a little closer to her and the look in her eyes goes from compassion to pride. “That’s so amazing, Toni. That must not have been easy.”

Toni nods. “It was the hardest, yet the easiest thing to do. It took me an insane amount of courage, but once I pressed send, it felt like a huge weight off my shoulders.”

“I’m so proud of you,” the blonde says with a genuine big smile. “Do you want to tell me if she replied? But it’s totally okay if you don’t want to talk about it anymore. I appreciate you telling me.”

Shelby can notice Toni thinking for a second, before she says: “She did reply.”

“She said she was so happy I contacted her, that she has thought about me every single day since I left and that the guilt had made her feel sick. She told me that she didn’t speak to her mom for weeks afterwards, and months later she broke down into tears and came out to her. She told her that she’s gay, that none of it was my fault, that we simply loved eachother and if she has a problem with that, then she’s a very bad mom.”

Shelby takes a deep breath. “Fuck, that’s so brave of her.”

Toni nods. “Obviously, it came as a shock to her mom, she didn’t believe her and…she told her that she will sign her up for therapy, to figure herself out, because well clearly being gay means you have lost your path in life, right? Imagine being like that, thinking you didn’t cause enough damage already by ruining one girls’ life – mine – but also having to make your daughter’s life a fucked up mess. She didn’t go to therapy though, she refused to, and they fought constantly, and I don’t know the details from the time after that, except that a year and half later Juli told her mom that she had invited someone over to dinner, and when this girl arrived she introduced her as her girlfriend – which she really was, and still is, I think. She said that at this point, her mom seemed to feel like she had lost control over her, and slowly started to give up on trying to “change her”. And yeah, she slowly started to show some toleration, it’s the least she could do.”

Shelby looks at her with big eyes. “Wow, she has guts.”

“Yeah,” Toni agrees. “I’m so happy she stood up against her.”

Toni seems to need a few seconds before continuing, Shelby senses it and gives her all the space she needs.

“So yeah… we talked about this, and she also let me know how happy she is that I’m part of such a good family now, and that she respects it if I don’t want more contact than this, and if I can forgive her for not standing up for me, for not having done enough for Emmy to have taken me back,” Toni says, “And I told her that I can forgive her, but that there’s not much I have to forgive her for. I admitted that I felt mad at her at the beginning for not speaking up, but that I came to my senses, that she was basically as much of a victim as I was, growing up in such a homophobic household and seeing the girl she had such a bond with be taken away from her. I said I’m so sorry that this happened to her, and I also apologized for the fact that I did in fact not want more contact than this, because for me, this was the closure I needed. To have talked it out, let it be known that there are no grudges between us, that I’m nothing but thankful for the time I had with her before I got taken away, and then just…yeah, slowly wrapping this time frame back into the box, without feeling the need to put said box on fire – I mean this as a metaphor –, but to just keep it somewhere far away from me…that’s the kind of peace that I needed, to be able to move forward.”

The pride in Shelby’s eyes just seem to grow, and she waits a few seconds to observe Toni’s body language, and then she figures it’s a good time to pull her in for a hug. She whispers: “I’m so, so incredibly proud of you, Toni.”

The brunette lays her head on Shelby’s shoulder. “I know,” she says, voice soft and relieved.

They both stay in this warm, safe zone for a few minutes, even though there’s a cold breeze that’s making them shake a little.

“Can I… can I ask, what made you be afraid that I could get feelings for her again?” Toni then asks, startling Shelby.

Her heart starts to beat faster, and she’s unsure how to reply, and even though it scares the hell out of her, she chooses honesty this time: “I think I might have seen her at work.”

Toni doesn’t move, and her breathing seems to get a little quicker. “How do you know if it was her?”

“She, um… she wanted to apply, but she was too shy to ask so her girlfriend did it for her,” Shelby says, “Her girlfriend then told us what her full name was, and I don’t know, I don’t know any Juli’s and the fact that she’s gay it…it made me think.”

“Was her name Juli Meyer?” Toni asks, sounding a little nervous, but still comfortably lying on Shelby’s shoulder.

The blonde’s heart starts to beat faster. “Yeah, it…it was.”

Chapter Text

There’s a silence, and this time it does actually feel slightly uncomfortable because none of them knows what the other is thinking.

“I-I’m cold, let’s go to bed again.” Toni says, and Shelby can’t tell if she’s trying to brush off the conversation or wanting a break from it.

Shelby just nods, and once they’re both in bed again, sitting closely next to eachother both with their knees up, she can notice Toni shaking.

“Are you okay?” she asks, starting to worry.

“Yeah, just very cold.” Toni replies, without making eye contact with her.

Shelby pulls the blanket up higher, so that it covers the brunette completely apart from her face, and she smiles a bit uncomfortably, though Toni doesn’t see this. She’s just looking down.

“I- I’m sorry if it got too much for you. We really can just forget about it and–” Shelby tries, but she gets interrupted by something unexpected.

“No, Shelby, it’s fine, I just…” Toni starts, and then she finally looks the blonde in the eyes again and her expression turns soft, “Um, would it be okay if- can you maybe, um… could we cuddle?”

Shelby’s heart is pounding in her chest. She nods and smiles, unsure of what this means but everything in her wants to. “Of course.”

She lies down, and Toni instantly lays her head on her chest.

A few minutes pass, and Shelby feels as if nothing other than them exists in this moment, she feels like they’re in a parallel universe and she’s holding the world in her arms. It’s the best feeling she has ever felt.

“Thank you.” Toni simply says, the gratitude clear in her voice, as she nudges her head more deeply into Shelby’s chest, like it’s the safest place she has ever known.

Shelby feels mesmerized by the smell of her shampoo, it smells like all the flowers in the world are in full bloom and Shelby thinks this perfectly describes whatever is going on in her lower belly right now. She takes in the moment and never wants to let go of her. “No need to thank me,” she says softly, and before she can even realize what she’s doing, she presses a kiss on her head.

Toni moves her arm towards Shelby’s, and holds her hand. “Is this okay?”, she asks to make sure.

“Mhm,” Shelby hums in agreement, trying to hide the shakiness of her voice, “was it- was it also okay what I did?”

And instead of an answer, Toni lifts her head and looks Shelby deep in her eyes. Even though the only light in the room is that of the moon, the stars and the street lights coming through the open glimpse of the curtains, Shelby can see the passion in her eyes, the fieriness. She blushes and she’s glad Toni can’t see this, but what happens next makes her body go on unstoppable fire. The brunette cups Shelby’s face in her hands, and she gives her a kiss on the cheek first, then a second kiss closer to her mouth, then before Shelby can even fathom what’s happening, she feels her soft lips on hers.

Two seconds later Toni pulls back: “I hope this answered your question,” she says, and Shelby can see her little smirk and her glowing eyes. She puts her free hand – her other hand still in Toni’s – through Toni’s hair, admiring how cute she is, and says: “Why do you have to be such a tease?”

Toni shrugs, and giggles as she lays her head back on the blonde’s chest. Shelby loves seeing how comfortable she is with being affectionate, at the same time it drives her crazy – in the best way.

“Perhaps because I love seeing the effect I have on you,” she replies with full confidence, though it doesn’t completely cover up that she’s in fact nervous about flirting – but enjoying it unquestionably.

Shelby blushes all over again, and she intertwines their fingers.

A few minutes pass.

“Shelby?” Toni says.

“Yeah?”

“You don’t have to worry about Juli.” Toni continues, in a sweet voice, “I wasn’t sure how it made me feel when you told me you actually saw her and- and that she might start working with you, but one thing I’m one hundred percent sure of is that that’s not because of me being afraid I would get feelings for her again or anything like that, there’s no doubt about that. You were worried about that, hm?”

Shelby nods.

Toni squeezes their hands tighter together. “Never,” she says. “not for her, and not for anyone else. I have feelings for you, Shelby, and I might not be the most mentally stable person, but I am fully loyal to you. I hope you know that.”

Shelby nods instantly. “Of course I do.”

“Good,” Toni says softly, “And I wasn’t sure how it made me feel because- because as I said, my last conversation with her was my closure. It was enough for me. And I’m not sure how it would make me feel that the person who’s partly responsible for my trauma – even though I don’t blame her for it- is gonna be close to my… to you. And just close to, to us, you know? Not because she could be a threat, I just… I don’t want my past to interfere with my present and- and my future.”

Shelby pets the brunette’s curled locks. “That’s totally understandable,” she says reassuringly, “but even if she does become my colleague, please know that I wouldn’t see her as a threat either. I admit I was scared and- and insecure, but you reassured me. Thank you, Toni, I appreciate it, I appreciate you.”

Toni moves her head, so that she’s closer to being able to make eye contact with Shelby. “I’m sorry you were scared,” she says with compassion in her voice, “I promise you there’s no reason to be, and even less of a reason to be insecure. You’re- you, um…”

Her voice got quieter in the last sentence, and Shelby’s heart melts at the softness of it. She wonders if it’s her shyness.

“I’m what?” Shelby asks, taking over the role of the confident sounding flirt – but being nervous as well nonetheless.

The brunette moves her head even more up, spreading even more of a flowery scent, and Shelby’s body gets full of goosebumps when her mouth is close to her ear. “You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen,” she whispers.

She feels like the words echo in her whole body, leaving the most excited feeling in her stomach and the happiest feeling in her heart.

And as they fall asleep together, Shelby heart feels even happier to find out Toni is the little spoon. Of course she would be.

And the side of Shelby that thought back of her conversation with Leah, wanting to address that they don’t have to wait, that she can be there for her all along, that working on herself doesn’t have to mean they have to put a hold on their blooming relationship, that they can already be, she realizes that maybe they already are.

Chapter Text

Weeks pass, weeks full of happiness, pride but also some bittersweet moments. They have both decided they should make more sleepovers happen, and they did. Most of time it was Shelby sleeping over at Toni’s, because they both felt it’s a safer environment, though no one knew about what’s going on between them, it felt safe to know that the Blackburns were not at all homophobic. The were fully accepting of Toni being a lesbian.

Some people started to be suspicious eventually. Toni told Shelby that Martha walked into her room one day, closed the door and just raised her eyebrows at her with a smirk. “I love that you and Shelby are such close friends.” she said sarcastically, and then just giggled and looked at Toni as if she just asked her a question instead of saying a sentence. Toni just blushed and jokingly told her to “shut up” and Martha replied with a “so I’m right?” to which the brunette nodded. “We like eachother, yeah,” she said. Martha hugged her instantly and told her she’s so proud of her and that she will always be there for her if she needs to talk.

Spencer, Shelby’s brother, had a skeptical expression on his face when Shelby asked her parents for the third time in the same week if she can sleep over at Toni’s. Her parents did not question it at all, they were in fact happy that she has someone who she gets along with so well (ha! Shelby thought, if you only knew). When she was packing her clothes, Spencer appeared in her door opening and said, quietly but with a sweet voice: “I’m happy for you and Toni.”
Shelby looked at him with a startled, almost terrified expression, and asked what he meant. He turned around, and when he saw their parents were in the garden so they wouldn’t hear, he said: “I see how much happier you look since you started to hang out with her more often. You’re like, glowing or something. Whatever it is, I’m happy for you, and I- I would never judge you. And I won’t tell anyone.” And just like that, he left again, leaving Shelby in awe.

The sleep over’s were similar to that one night where they spooned for the first time. They watched movies together, Shelby even convinced Toni to watch Sugar Rush – a baking competition – with her, even though Toni liked to act that she’s too tough for that. “Shut up,” Shelby said jokingly, “I see right through you, you softie.” And she was right, the brunette actually enjoyed the show, and told her they should bake a cake together someday. “See!” Shelby exclaimed, giving her a kiss on the nose, “a total softie.”

Toni often pulled her in for a kiss, spreading fire through Shelby, and the way Toni grabbed her jaw and neck convinced her that Toni felt the same way. One time Shelby gently removed the hair tie from the brunette’s hair while they kissed, resulting in a “what do you think you’re doing?” in a teasing tone. “I thought it’s no longer a secret that I love seeing you with your hair down,” was Shelby’s subtle reply. Toni shook her head. “And then you call me a total softie,” she said, but obviously feeling flattered because she pushed her hair proudly to the other side, making her curls look even bouncier.

One sleep over stood out though. It was the evening when Shelby showed up with a huge grin on her face, making Toni question what’s going on.

“Okay so, maybe I’m selfish for being so excited about this but,” Shelby started, still grinning as big, “when my boss wanted to call Juli back to tell her she got the job, she told her she’s so sorry but that she got offered a different job closer to her house.”

Toni stared at her with open mouth. “Thank god!”, she said, beaming. “Okay, that’s just- that’s honestly great. I’m really happy she’s not becoming your colleague, and I don’t think that’s selfish at all.”

The blonde and brunette hugged eachother tight.

“I mean I knew she’s not a threat, but it’s just what you said… it wouldn’t have made you feel good to have your past interfere with your present and- and future.” Shelby said.

Toni agreed. “And hopefully you’ll never doubt it anymore that you’re the most beautiful girl in the world. No one should ever make you feel that way, you’re beyond compare.”

The evening was filled with relief, joy and affection. It was like it was impossible for them to let go of eachother’s hands, and every now and then there had to be a kiss, either on eachother’s hand, on eachother’s cheek or on the lips.

And it all felt so good, so amazing, but it also started to feel a little bittersweet.

There was a feeling in Shelby she couldn’t ignore, she felt the urge to talk to her about the waiting thing. She knows that what they’re doing is not actually waiting anymore, that their relationship is actually blooming and growing, but something in her tells her to address it, to let Toni be aware of it, even though she might already be.

So as they were spooning, she said: “Toni?”

“Yeah?”

“You know that I’ll always be there for you, right? And that I’ll never give up on you?”

“Of course,” Toni said softly, but securely.

“I- I wanted to tell you that I’m so proud of you. You going to your weekly therapy appointments, it’s so amazing of you, Toni, it really is. And I could notice in the past weeks, something like… as if you found more peace within yourself, did you?” Shelby asked, carefully.

Toni nodded. “I did. I mean… I feel like I still have a long way to go, but I see progress.”

Shelby intertwined their fingers, and heir hands lay on Shelby’s waist, Toni being the usual little spoon.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Shelby asked, “If you don’t, that’s totally okay too.”

Toni shrugged. “You already know how my therapy sessions went, and what helps me most.”

“Analyzing your thought process?” Shelby asked, remembering their conversations after therapy. They always felt comfortable and soothing and it always made her feel so proud of Toni.

“That too,” Toni replied softly, and she pulled Shelby even closer to her, “but mostly you, Shelby. Having you there through it all, having you supporting me, it’s what keeps me going. It- it made me feel less scared.”

Shelby’s heart felt so warm. “I’m so happy to hear that. Less scared of- of the process?”

She heard Toni swallowing. “Yeah, but also less scared to open up, to you. I remember telling you that I find myself too emotionally unavailable and I discussed this with my psychologist as well, and she asked me how I meant that. She asked me if I have someone to talk to about my feelings, so I told her about you, and she waned to hear an example of me talking about my feelings to you. Afterwards she told me I have a huge misconception on the concept of emotional availability, and that I should give myself far more credit for it than I do.”

Shelby smiled, pulled Toni’s hand to her lips and kissed it. “I’ve been wanting to tell you that too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, you express your feelings so well, and the fact that you feel comfortable to do so, it shows how emotionally available you are and that you put such great effort into… into us.” Shelby told her soothingly, “And I know I can’t really speak on this when I haven’t experienced the same thing but, I do really agree that you should give yourself more credit, you shouldn’t let your mental health define you or make you think you’re less, because I promise you, you’re the most loving person and no one has ever made me feel so safe. I think you saying that I deserve better, is the falsest thing you have ever said.”

Toni teared up, she felt this is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever told her. “Shelby, you’re honestly the greatest gift life has ever given me. You make me feel so good about myself.”

Shelby rubbed with her thumb on Toni’s soft hand. “The feeling is mutual.”

Toni beamed and closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of safety and love.

A few minutes passed.

“Toni?”

“Yeah?”

“Are we…are we still waiting?”

A little smirk appeared on Toni’ face, and she tried to hide it before she realized Shelby can’t even see it. “For what?”

Shelby wanted to clarify, before she realized what Toni actually meant. She blushed and her heart started to beat faster, but she felt so happy and satisfied at the same time. Within two minutes, they were both sound asleep.

******

The next morning, when Shelby’s alarm goes off for work, she feels sad about having to leave the warm bed, but especially Toni’s warmth. She presses a kiss on her head and says “I’ll text you on my break, I’ll miss you.”

During her whole shift, all she can think about is Toni. Her warmth, her love, her kisses, her flirting, her teasing, her smell, her.

“Girl, you’re glowing,” Leah says, and she wiggles her eyebrows. “What’s going on?”

Shelby blushes. “We just keep kissing and cuddling more and…I kinda think the waiting is over?”

Leah’s eyes widen. “Oh my god, tell me more. Did you talk?”

“Yeah,” Shelby says, eyes gleaming, “I got it confirmed that she feels fully safe and supported with me, and I think she’s realizing that she’s ready. I asked if we’re still waiting and she replied with “for what?” with her annoying – and with that I mean hot – teasing voice.”

“Shelby, oh my god!” Leah exclaims, beaming, “Please, I’m so happy for you! Cutest couple ever.”

Shelby blushes, and she wonders if they’re actually a couple now.

Her question doesn’t stay unanswered.

It’s only ten minutes before closing time, when she gets completely surprised by Toni showing up at her register. She flusters and stumbles. “Um, hi, what are you doing here?” she asks shyly. She looks to her left where Leah is standing who raises an eyebrow in return, but then walks further away and continues with tidying up, offering them some alone time as much as she can.

“Is that how you greet me?” Toni asks, acting offended but not being able to hide her fond smile. “I was just craving a caramelized macchiato, may I?”

Shelby shakes her head. “Are you really one of those customers who show up five minutes before closing time, when all we want is to clean up and leave as soon as possible?” she teases her.

“Hey now,” Toni replies, “It’s a serious craving. Can’t you make an exception?”

Shelby sighs, but she’s convinced that her whole expression reveals how excited she is that Toni – the girl she’s been thinking about all day – is there. “For you, I can.”

She turns around and she tries to make the most delicious caramelized macchiato she has ever made. “Toni 🖤” she writes down, smiling slightly at the heart she drew.

“Thanks!” Toni says when Shelby hands it to her. “Um, miss, you wrote my name wrong. May I have the pen?”

Shelby rolls her eyes jokingly. “Sure, ma’am.”

Toni puts the cup down on the counter and writes something down, though Shelby can’t see it yet. Her eyes are twinkling when she makes eye contact with the blonde again.

“What?” Shelby asks, curious and shy. “What did you write down?”

Toni waits a few seconds, takes a deep breath and then hands the cup back to her. “This is how you write my name actually.”

Shelby reads it: Toni 🖤 aka my beautiful girlfriend.

It feels like her heart stops for a second, and then as if a volcano erupts in it. Like her heart just exploded with love. She feels her face becoming the hottest it has ever felt, she feels a kind of happiness she can hardly describe. She thinks this is what love is.

“You see?” Toni asks, like the big tease that she is. “Could you read it out loud for me? So I’m sure you’ll get it right next time.”

Toni checks around the store, there’s no one there, except Leah. “But only if you’re comfortable.”

Shelby would tell her to “oh, shut up, Toni” as a joke, but her whole body feels so weak. She really has her weak in the knees. She’s gone for this girl. “Toni, aka my beautiful girlfriend.” she reads, shyly but with determination, not believing that she just had the honour of saying this. “Did I get it right?”

“Totally.” Toni replies with a proud smirk, and she looks towards Leah. “Would it be okay if I take Shelby home already, or do you need help with cleaning up?”

Leah looks at them with even wider eyes, like she couldn’t believe what she just heard. “Y-yes, of course,” she replies. “ps, I’m you two’s biggest supporter, just so you know.”

When they’re in Toni’s car, they’re both still beaming, and Toni takes Shelby’s hand. “Of course I still wanted to properly ask you,” she says, eyes twinkling, “Shelby Goodkind, will you be my girlfriend?”

Shelby feels like she can’t handle the explosion of butterflies in her stomach anymore, but at the same time she just wants more, more, more. “Yes, yes, yes. Please. You’re my dream.”

And for the first time, they’re kissing in public, and Shelby doesn’t care who sees. It’s the happiest her heart has ever felt.

They make out for what feels like years, and when Toni says “C’mon, let’s get going to my house, nobody’s home”, she knows that something new and beautiful is about to happen there, and instead of feeling nervous and scared, she feels ecstatic and most of all, safe. And what makes her feel happiest of all, is that she can sense that Toni feels the exact same way. They can’t wait to grow, individually and together. And they both know, being eachother’s other half is already the best thing that has ever happened to the both of them.