Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

'Come on Alyssa you have to do this there are people relying on you. You know the drill by now, the sooner you’re done with this, the quicker you can start your shift and then once that’s done you can go home, the earlier you’re home the easier tonight will be plus if you don’t get these all done there won’t be enough spare for Eric’s dinner which will only make things worse.'

Sugar.

'What if you just didn’t go home? It’s not like you want too anyway. What if you text him, told him you got caught up baking for tomorrow and then went home with Kaylee or Shelby? It would be safe until he found you. You’d never have to see him again, you would be free to live your authentic truth, the life you’ve been dreaming of since the day you were married.'

Sugar, Butter.

'Stop it. You can’t think that way, you’ll only let yourself down because it isn’t an option. Only quitters run away from things, and you are not a quitter. You’re better than that. It’s going to work out, once he gets the promotion you can take a few less shifts. You’re going to be happy again, just like when you first met, like before you’d worked out where your preferences lied, because that’s all they are- preferences.'

Sugar, Butter, Flour.

'You love him and he loves you. He’s just not very conventional in how he shows you- that’s what your mother always said. Your mother. She wanted this for you, she approved of him, it was her idea for the two of you to get married and she always had your best interest in heart. She didn’t want you to end up like her and how could you do the same thing your father did to her, how could you put your own husband through that by leaving him. You saw how it destroyed her. She might be dead, but you still can’t let her down. If you learnt anything from those countless Sundays in church, it’s that just because someone is no longer alive doesn’t mean they aren’t always with you. You have to love him.'

Alyssa slammed the worn wooden rolling pin onto the bench, letting out a loud, exasperated sigh as she ran a hand through messy brown curls that had fallen loose from the ponytail she’d pulled them into prior to getting started on her task. She didn’t have time for this, there was a list of desserts that needed baking in time for opening that weren’t going to bake themselves, despite knowing this she just couldn’t concentrate. This was so easy, she’d lost track of the quantity of times she’d made these same recipes in the past but even but without even knowing the exact figures she knew they were high enough that she should not be finding this so hard, her thoughts were just too loud.

She took a breath, composed herself and continued on with the job at hand- making the infamous ‘Berry the Bullshit Pie’ (a fitting name given her current thought process) that comprised of heaps of fresh summer berries and a hint of citrus to balance the sweetness of them. If she could just focus on bringing the simple ingredients to become something spectacular like she had done so many times, then everything just maybe would be ok- at least for that day. But she couldn’t focus, no matter how hard she tried.

Baking had always, without fail, been the one thing that had been able to still every idea or fear that passed into her conscious. She’d relied on it through elementary school when bullying had gotten the better of her, when her father left before even saying goodbye. The first time she’d stepped into a kitchen wasn’t long after her fifth birthday, her mother had taught her everything she knew, and Alyssa often pinned that as the one good thing the pushy parent had done, only slightly in jest. She might have pushed her to breaking point during High School and led her to run herself bone dry with the amount of extracurriculars she partook in, but she also gave her the skills she needed to immerse herself in her one sanctuary. It was her therapy, her one relief, the thing she liked most in the world and probably her first love. Though it wasn’t working now, not when her life had ended up so hopeless that she needed it more than she ever had before. She still baked of course, it was basically her job and even if it didn’t provide the usual respite, she still enjoyed it.

To Alyssa it was almost funny, maybe that was just her dark humour coming through but there was something amusing in the way the universe had nonchalantly uttered a ‘fuck you’ after it realised that she’d filled the metaphorical pie dish that she so desperately relied on far past overflowing, no matter how deep she’d thought it was. She’d poured one too many cups of hurt into it. Baked it with just a little too much of her pain. Her only escape was now as effective as the end of a wooden spoon in stirring her conflicts until she could find some sort of resolution to them- she needed respite from somewhere soon or she was going to overflow like a badly sealed lattice, only this time the aftermath would be far less sweet than a caramelised black cherry filling.

It wasn’t all bad though. Alyssa had her work that served as much needed respite from her less than perfect home life. An old diner off of the main road into Edgewater, Indiana where she got to bake for so many people to enjoy, even if the main demographic was unsavoury truckers who seemingly couldn’t keep their hands to themselves. That was made just a bit easier by the fact that she worked alongside her two best friends, Kaylee and Shelby, whom she wouldn’t trade the world for. She wasn’t sure if she’d have made it as far as she had if it wasn’t for them and although she’d outrightly admitted to anything that may or may not have happened between her and her husband she knew that they knew something wasn’t right, and she could go to them if anything ever got so out of hand. If they hadn’t have known her so well the two other waitresses would have no reason to believe there was a problem. She kept an expertly crafted brave face on during her shifts, because nobody liked a downtrodden server, but that bullet-proof mask was only drawn higher once she got home.

He had been sweet once, taking her on dates to get ice cream and strumming vaguely tuneful melodies on his beaten up ole guitar- everyone had told her that he was the perfect boyfriend and she had listened attentively, pushing her doubts and concerns as far down as they’d go. But once they gotten married something had changed. He didn’t respect her anymore, he wasn’t gentle and soft spoken, he was forceful, shouted often and found fault in everything little thing Alyssa did, even if she’d been trying to do him a favour. The bruises that covered her body were easy to hide, he made sure of that because he knew what it would cost him if anybody found out, but it wasn’t like that ever deterred him. Instead, Alyssa tiptoed around him in her own home, living in anguish that he’d take offence to the way she folded his laundry or the way she made his coffee or some other stupid misdemeanour and strike blindly at her until a steady flow of apologies fell from her lips and he felt as if she’d learnt her lesson. It was the very definition of a toxic relationship, an abusive one but Alyssa couldn’t admit that to herself let alone anyone who could try to help her.

She didn’t want to be in the situation. She’d read enough horror stories in the news to know what might happen and she’d been in situations with her husband, fuelled by alcohol and anger that weren’t too dissimilar to the tales. She found herself wondering deep into the night, as the man laid beside her, if she’d already missed her five second window to escape that every website she’d secretly googled had told her about, but she didn’t get to run, she didn’t get to leave it all behind. Everything was in Edgewater, her job, her history, her family, her friends. Alyssa had to survive it and survive it graciously, for lack of a better phrase, so that nobody would ever suspect what she was hiding. She had to remember that no matter how alone or weak he made her feel, she was strong, and she could do it.

So, each day she had to pour every single negative feeling, all the terror and the heartache she dealt with, into a tarnished metal mixing bowl alongside expertly proportioned ingredients and turn them into deliciously delectable pieces of art comprised of whatever recipe she’d thought up to save herself from drowning.

And that is what she did.

Chapter Text

Each day was the same at the Diner, days started like all the rest that had come before it and ended like them too. Alyssa didn’t mind though; some people might have found it monotonous or boring, but she liked the routine. It made at least one aspect of her life stable and predictable. She arrived at work, finished baking the pies she’d started the previous night, then she went to lay tables and set menus out in anticipation of customers arrival. The rest of her shift would fly by as she took orders and cleared tables, all whilst thinking up new recipes to craft in the final hours of her work days- that was her time to bake away any residual stress into desserts for the following day. Everything happened in roughly the same order around the same times, nothing had really changed since she started working there. But she didn’t want things to change. She had gotten used to the first rush of the day when she juggled coffee pots effortlessly as she made polite conversation with surrounding patrons, and by now she mostly looked forward to the lunchtime regulars whose orders she could basically recite with her eyes closed. There was a sense of safety in the familiarity of their faces- and one of these few people was Tom Hawkins.

Tom was the owner of the diner, and the laundry mat, and the convenience store and basically every other commodity in Edgewater- making him as close to royalty as the small town could get. He’d taken a shining to Alyssa’s charisma and worth ethic, because of this he usually requested her as his server. The other employees she worked with didn’t understand why she put up with his strange temper and demanding requests. But Alyssa didn’t mind, he was kind to her, and he would share a joke and a horoscope from his newly collected newspaper with her, as she took down his oddly specific order onto her server’s pad. Alyssa often found that that was often the highlight of her day, even if it was just his memorable antics putting a smile on her face. If nothing else was going her way, an amusing interaction with ‘Old Tom’ (as they affectionately referred to him as) could help a bit.

She saw the man enter the establishment and quickly made her way over to the table where he made his residence, “Tom! What can I get for you today?” she asked, painting a bright smile onto her face as she clicked her pen a few times.

“Alyssa dear! I think I’ll have…” he glanced over the chalk specials board, squinting at the messy scrawl for a moment before speaking up again, “A nice big slice of your ‘Couch Potato Pie’. Remember tomatoes- “

“On the side. I know Tom” Alyssa chuckled, scribbling the request down and drawing a harsh line under ‘side’; she wouldn’t want to be the one to deal with the man if that ever was missed by the chef, Kevin. “What are you drinking today then?” she continued.

“Coffee sounds grand, sugar and cream on the side- you waitresses are good but you never get the ratio perfectly.”

At the mention of the hot beverage Alyssa felt her stomach turn in a way that had become increasingly familiar these past weeks. She’d managed to supress it as she poured cup after cup of the steaming brown liquid that morning but at the further mention it was almost just too overwhelming.

Hold it together, Alyssa.

“Something wrong with that? I didn’t offend you did I because I’m only teasing you… mostly.” Tom cut in as he saw the tinge of green on the young woman’s face.

Alyssa shook her head, not trusting herself to speak as she bit her tongue and noted down the request for the beverage, before rushing back to the kitchen counter where she recited the order to Nick and pinned it up to the order board. She placed a steadying hand on the cold countertop, taking a moment to try to settle her nausea with a few deep breaths but it was no use. And she was soon running off to the bathroom to spill her guts in the slightly dinghy toilet single stall, slumping down next to it and resting her head on the cool toilet wall to supress the heat radiating from her forehead from the excursion, barely having enough strength to consider the sheer number of germs that were probably crawling all over her now. She didn’t hear the footsteps of two recognisable people as they entered the cramped bathroom and in the state she was in she wouldn’t have been able to pay any attention to them if they hadn’t spoken up.

“Alyssa- we know you’re in here.” She heard Kaylee say, although it seemed as if she was miles away it was loud enough to snap her back into reality.

“It’s not like you weren’t obvious when you streaked across the floor to get here. Puking your guts up I assume?” she heard Shelby mutter, clearly unimpressed by her antics. She loved her friend, but she was always on the blunter side. Alyssa rolled her eyes, not that they could see her.

“I’m f- “ Alyssa gagged as she tried to talk, “I’m fine! I’ll be out in a minute; I’ll make up for the missed floor time.” She said, rubbing furiously at her brow, hoping that it might just be enough to ease her busy mind or uneasy stomach.

“You aren’t fine Lys. We don’t care about that, we care more for the fact that you’re clearly unwell, go home if you’re sick, we can manage a few days without you.” Shelby explained indignantly to her friend who she was sure was not hearing her logic in the slightest. She’d been throwing up just like this for a few weeks and if she wasn’t going to listen to them when they suggested what it could be, as they’d been trying to do then she was going to have to put up with the consequences of it being a supposed stomach flu like she’d claimed.

“I’m not sick I’m just—I’ll be ok in a minute, it will pass.” She tried to get her friends to leave the small bathroom.

“Alyssa don’t you think you should just-“ Kaylee suggested optimistically.

At that the exhausted woman pulled herself up off of the floor and clicked open the lock of the door, taking in the two women in front of her and glaring at them harshly. One was fiddling with the soap dispenser and the other staring right back at her.

“No.”

“Alyssa come on- “ Shelby retorted, her eyes narrowing slightly at how oblivious the woman was being.

“I said no.” Alyssa responded instantly.

“It might not even be the case but it won’t hurt to- “ Kaylee added to her friend’s point.

“I don’t care, I don’t want to know.” She interrupted them both, trying to shut off the conversation before it could even take off.

“So, you do think there’s a possibility?” Shelby prodded, folding her arms sternly.

“What?” Alyssa said, playing dumb, not even attempting to entertain the thought in the slightest.

“Fine. An easier question- when did you last sleep with him?” Shelby persisted.

“Uh… S-six weeks ago?”

Kaylee gasped, Alyssa was very open about the fact that her husband was a jerk and they’d heard about multiple times she’d shut him down when he tried to get something like that from her- so the woman was surprised. Kaylee didn’t even have to ask before Alyssa explained, her face was probably enough of a clue.

“He got me drunk, I do stupid things when I drink, including sleeping with my husband apparently.” Alyssa laughed sadistically. It wasn’t funny, it was far from funny but for some reason her instinct was to laugh.

“So…” Shelby continued to press, not letting Alyssa’s anecdote interrupt the direction of the conversation.

“I don’t want to know Shelby- why can’t you understand that?” Alyssa said, still holding her ground.

“You either are or you aren’t- either way you have got to just take a test- we’ve got some here…” Kaylee tried again, attempting to be a voice of reason for her friend as she wafted the box in front of her.

“Give it a rest, both of you, please.” Alyssa reacted, feeling her head filling with a rage-induced haze. Why were they so obsessed with it? This was between her, and probably her husband, but mostly her.

“Alyssa! Snap out of it! - this isn’t going away no matter how hard you try, you did AP biology you know it is very possible that you are pr-“ Shelby countered, they needed to get through to the brunette, no matter how much badgering it might take.

“Stop! Fine ok, I’ll take it, if that’s what it’ll take to shut you both up.” Alyssa muttered, she acted by snatching the box from in front of her, that she was sure her friends had been holding onto, ever since she’d first confided that the nausea had been making a regular appearance. They had a point, there was barely another explanation for it, but she couldn’t bear to hear the word spoken out loud. She wasn’t ready for it, she couldn’t raise a child in the environment she lived in, that wasn’t fair. She didn’t want this; she’d never meant for it to happen. It could still be negative, there was always a possibility that it was just a new food intolerance or migraines or something.

'Focus on the negative Alyssa, you don’t know yet.'

“Finally.” Shelby exhaled, reaching to rub Alyssa’s arm comfortingly, ignoring the way that she flinched underneath her hand, “Do you want us to stay?” she asked, giving her a bit more freedom now that she’d actually agreed to actually find out. Alyssa nodded, taking a few shaky breaths as she went back into the toilet, ripping the packet open with shaky hands before getting to work taking the test. She listened to her friends muttering to one another as they tried to give her a little privacy. She exited the stall and signalled to Kaylee to start the two-minute timer, as per the instructions.

Then they waited and waited and waited.

It might have been the longest two minutes of Alyssa’s life and her heart was in her throat the whole time. But the timer rung out eventually, signifying the end of the wait. It was now or never. She swiftly turned the plastic stick over in her hands before she could stop herself- this was it.

Two lines.

“Shit.” Alyssa said on instinct, the test dropping out of her hands as her mind caught up with the devastating new information. She heard the two others start mumbling support for her as they clocked on to what the result had been, but she couldn’t hear them. She had zoned out and the only voice she could hear was that of the one inside of her head as it shouted at her.

'How did you let this happen, you idiot? You know better Alyssa. You’ve messed everything up, how are you going to raise a child – his child when you’re barely holding yourself together. You’ve never even held a baby before, what gives you the right to have one of your own. People are going to find out, you can’t hide this forever. What will other people say, what will they think of you now? You’ve officially wrecked your life; you’ll lose your job, and it isn’t like Eric is going to be able to provide for a whole other human. Babies are expensive, even you know that. What would you mom have said about this? You’re never going to redeem yourself--'

An undistinguishable voice of reason and reality pulled her from her spiral before she could sink any further into her crashing sea of thoughts, “Alyssa this is going to be ok but you’re going to have to call the doctor.”

Terrified, overwhelmed Alyssa didn’t want to do that, not in the slightest. But rational Alyssa knew that it wasn’t fair- not on her or on the life that she now knew was inside of her, there was an instinct inside her that screamed that she needed to protect them both now and that started by looking after their health. So that evening, with trembling hands, she found the number and rung the doctor’s office. Little did she know what was going to come from that.

Chapter Text

A week later, Alyssa turned up to that same appointment that she’d booked, hands shaking again as she clutched onto the mermaid marshmallow pie that she had baked for the occasion. The day marked a week since she found out about the predicament that called the need for the visit- she hadn’t told anyone, besides from the nurse who picked up the phone when she called and of course Shelby and Kaylee. They’d been really supportive of her so far, mostly in the way of covering when she was throwing up in the bathroom or letting her cry on one of their shoulders when the hormones got too much for her façade. She was nervous, despite how much baking she’d tried to drown the nerves out with- hence the signature pie and the quivering hands. It wasn’t specifically the consolation- no. She was comfortable with her doctor, she had delivered her and dealt with practically everything since then, that wasn’t the issue. It was more what it meant, what it would confirm. Despite the flashing image of the positive pregnancy test that had been constantly swimming in the forefront of her mind it didn’t feel real yet. Alyssa feared that confirmation of the news would make it that much more real- besides it was difficult to ignore the words of a qualified, trusted doctor. But still it was important, she knew that, so she dragged herself down to the doctor’s office on her lunchbreak that day- thoughts and fears racing around her mind until a voice caught her attention.

“Ms Greene? The doctor will see you now.” A nurse announced blandly, pen in hand and looking up from a clipboard that presumably had some sort of schedule attached to the front.

Alyssa looked up with a forced smile, it was time. She got up from her seat in the waiting room. She could feel disapproving eyes on her from every other expectant mother sat with their partners in the vicinity and it made her feel small. Their gazes burnt into her back as she followed the nurse to the right room, trying to quiet the voices in her head that were shouting at her, just as loud as the stares.

‘Shrug it off Alyssa. You’re married, you’re wearing a wedding ring for god’s sake- you can be here. They don’t have a clue about your situation. They’ve got no right to judge you.’

She kept her head held high as she opened the door, thanking the nurse for the gown that she promptly changed into before going in to sit on the paper sheet that covered the bed. She wasn’t really sure of the correct etiquette for this kind of thing but that was her best guess of what she was supposed to do, the nurse hadn’t really given much direction. She assumed that that would be the biggest unknown. Once the door began to open her nerves dispersed a little bit. Dr Perkins was going to come in the door in a matter of seconds and everything would soon be revealed. It was going to be fine.

What she was actually greeted with was unexpected--

A woman, about her height was standing in the doorway with a bright smile on her face, clearly ready to be as inviting as possible towards whatever patient she’d discover behind the door she’d just swung open. Alyssa stared at her, completely enraptured by her curly blonde hair that sat above her shoulders, framing a pale face that was lined with a slightly defined jaw. A smooth dimple sat on her cheek that the woman was about ready to fall into. Alyssa’s mouth went dry, she was probably one of the most beautiful women she’d ever seen, not that she spent a lot of time looking for them these days, even if her ‘preferences’ skewed more towards people not dissimilar from Dr Nolan- she was married, to a man. Despite that she couldn’t help but let her eyes wander, respectfully-ish, over Emma’s soft curves covered by a sharp white coat, embroidered with her name, that was draped over a pair of navy scrubs. The way she held herself confidently with an air of awkwardness and slight uncertainty was charming. She didn’t have the wispy grey hair or flowery blouse that she was expecting but she certainly wasn’t mad about it. Her lips were a pale pink, perfectly parted and just screaming out for her to-

‘Snap out of it, Alyssa. She’s your doctor, stay professional. Who knows if she’s gay and anyway it doesn’t matter because you are straight- you’re married. There’s a ring on your finger, remember. What would he think about the way you’re thinking right now? Exactly. Stop it.’

“You aren’t Dr Perkins.” Alyssa stated dumbly, trying to put a stop to her thinking, she was surprised by the woman facing her- but just because she wasn’t who she thought she would be, that’s the only reason- at least that’s what she was trying to tell herself. The only reason this was going to be somewhat manageable was because she was going to get to see the woman she’d known forever, that was going to make the whole process easier as she would be comfortable. But the only way this new Doctor made her feel was confused.

“Uh- No I’m not, she retired last year. I’m her replacement- Dr Nolan. So why are we here today…” the doctor started, clicking her ballpoint pen a few times as she was scanning over Alyssa’s notes she’d recently been given to take in the relevant information so they could start, there was time slot for this and Alyssa was not the only patient she had to see today, it was busy- but she was interrupted before she could reach the crux.

“I’m really sorry but I was expecting Dr Perkins- I asked for her. She was my mother’s doctor, I know her.” Alyssa interjected, thinking out loud a little bit. She was struggling to comprehend the surprise to her system and hadn’t taken in a word past the news of her first doctor’s retirement.

“Well, I’m not sure what got missed out in communication there, still you’ve got me- but if you don’t want me, I can get you another doctor or sign you off to another office or something. Whatever makes you most comfortable Mrs… Greene.” Dr Nolan suggested, reading Alyssa’s name off of the paperwork as she did so, tongue poking out from between her teeth in a way the brunette found enrapturing.

“It’s Alyssa- please, you’re probably going to end up closer to me than any other of my casual interactions so I think my first name is fine” Alyssa quickly interjected; she’d always resented the sound of her husband’s name in reference to her, so she quickly shut that down. This was about her not him; she had already vowed to herself that Eric would come nowhere near her appointments for this baby- she didn’t need him corrupting them whilst they were still in the womb.

“Ok Alyssa.” The doctor nodded with a smile in confirmation of the request; she was used to be asked things like that so it barely even phased her.

“Right, thank you. Um, I don’t really have another slot where I’m free to come here again so let’s just get this over and done with- no offence.” Alyssa responded after taking a minute to think over her options, adding the clarification that it wasn’t personal in case she upset her new doctor- not sure why she cared so much.

“Perfect! I’m going to take some blood, do and we can get that sent off just to make sure everything’s as expected- do an exam then we can go through the dos and don’ts for the next few months!” Dr Nolan explained as she pulled a blood-draw kit from a drawer and got to work on that, stifling through the awkward silence as she repeated a process that she’d done hundreds of times in her career so far.

She came back into the room ten minutes later with the results of the blood test, thumbing through the clipboard again as she attached the new paper to the top of the pile. Alyssa was sat, back in her day clothes with the folded gown sat next to her, picking at her nails as she waited, looking around the room at the posters depicting various medical conditions and a particularly graphic illustration of half of a pregnant woman that made her wince slight. Was that actually going to be her fate? maybe the drugstore test had been wrong…

“Congratulations! You are in fact pregnant- about seven weeks to be precise.” The physician announced cheerfully, making Alyssa do a double take and hope she hadn’t accidentally verbalised those thoughts.

‘Uh thank you but I don’t want any of the flashy ‘yay a baby!’ stuff. I didn’t plan for any of this, it’s not really something I want- you know?” Alyssa explained stiffly, earning a furrowed yet understanding brow from her doctor.

“Oh- that’s perfectly ok, my apologies. We can discuss options if you’d like. It’s your body, you have a choice.” The doctor iterated, reminding her of something Alyssa definitely knew. She’d spent the week milling over her options, but in the end, she had made her choice and she wasn’t about to be swayed by some highly educated, blonde dreamboat that was apparently now her doctor.

“No, no. That’s not what I mean- I mean, that’s fine for anyone who wants that but I’ve come to a reasonable level of peace with this- I do want this I just don’t want it…“ Alyssa paused, that didn’t make any sense, “Whatever. I’m keeping this baby- my baby” she said, as confidently as she could even if the words felt totally alien in her mouth. She was going to have an actual baby, fuck.

“Oh well then- uh uncongratulations- so to speak!” Dr Nolan jested with a pair of awkward finger guns that caused her to let go of the pen she’d been grasping onto throughout the gritty conversation. Neither of them laughed, if anything it made the stiffness of the tone of conversation more obvious. “Right then, back to business, I can write a prescription for prenatal vitamins to pick up from wherever is easiest for you. Take one each morning with breakfast, or each evening with dinner if morning sickness is interfering with that. Try to avoid caffeine, and no raw eggs, meat etc. Limit your physical exertion and if you have any questions or concerns at all, just give me a call.” Emma explained all in one breath whipping out a business card and placing it in Alyssa’s hand alongside a few other leaflets that went into further detail about her brief overview she’d given. It was like it was a script, that she’d clearly performed many, many times in the past- which made sense of course, considering that was literally her job.

Alyssa took a second to recover from the information overload before nodding slowly and speaking again, “Thank you- uhm, I guess I’ll be going now.” She said plainly, an apprehensive smile on her face. Just as she was about to head out of the door, she turned back to her doctor who was sat writing on what she assumed was her notes pages.

“Excuse me, Doctor Nolan.” She piped up, grabbing the attention of the previously focused blonde.

“Mhm? What is it?” she responded, same reliable smile on her face.

“I made this pie and was wondering if maybe you wanted it...? I only made it because it was Doctor Perkin’s favourite- ‘Mermaid Marshmallow’ I came up with it during my mermaid phase- but it seems a shame for it to go to waste.” She told her hastily, hoping she wouldn’t be shut down.

“That’s incredibly generous of you, I mean personally I’ve not eaten sugar in almost a year- got to keep the heart healthy- but I’ll be sure to share it around with the other staff.” She responded with a kind smile, watching as Alyssa placed it onto the bed where she’d been sat just a few minutes before.

“I’ll just leave that there and be on my way…” Alyssa said, a hint of mischief in her voice, “Dr Nolan, my mother always said you can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” And with that she disappeared, leaving her alone in the room, only her and the pie.

Emma tried to ignore the sweet smells that wafted under her notes, choosing instead to put all of her energy into finishing the notes, but she couldn’t resist. And she was soon shovelling mouthfuls of the delicately delicious dessert into her mouth with the fork she’d used for her far healthier salad before, barely taking the time to swallow before filling her mouth again, groaning in delight at the incredible taste and finishing the pie in what could probably be considered record speed. People would say that it was only so good to her because of her previous abstinence to things of the sort- but they would be wrong. It was unearthly perfection.

Emma had no idea where Alyssa had learned to bake like that, but hell did she want to find out.

Chapter Text

After the appointment, Alyssa tried to carry on as normal, pretend like there was something- someone- entirely life changing arriving in a matter of months. Every day she went to work as usual, in fact she ended up picking up a few extra shifts here and there. She knew next to nothing about children, but she did know that they were expensive due to the hundreds of things that were deemed essential by the handful of leaflets she’d read over during her breaks throughout the week, so extra cash wouldn’t hurt, even if the strain of an additional few hours left her unusually utterly exhausted, that’s what sleep was for, not that she was getting much of that.

She might not have wanted to accept the implications of the countless changes that her body was going through but they were getting impossible to ignore. She couldn’t shake the nausea at all, no matter how hard she tried, and she found that what time of the day it was had little impact on her need to vomit, leading her to want to have a stern word with whoever tagged it as ‘morning sickness’- that was bullshit. But from her limited incognito google searching she’d learnt that it would probably pass at the end of her first trimester, she could survive a few more weeks. Then came the rather uncomfortable change in bra size she’d been warned of. Unsurprisingly it was the only of the changes that her jerk of a husband had picked up on, but she’d brushed it off with an awkward chuckle, claiming she had no idea what he was on about. She wasn’t ready for him to be let in on her secret yet and honestly, she wasn’t sure if she ever would be. Luckily, she doubted he would guess it for himself. He was too oblivious to notice the mood swings, or her general fatigue, or the weird smell sensitivity or the slight bloat that she compensated for with the baggier items from her wardrobe when she wasn’t dressed in her signature blue waitressing outfit.

Despite all of the screaming signs she still was clasping onto normality, she had to remember that not everything had changed; work was the same and her friends were the same and she still had to get the bus home on every other Wednesday because Eric went out with his friends for beers at a bar or something. She’d never really had enough of an interest to find out exactly what he got up to, and she didn’t really care, it just meant he couldn’t pick her up from work. He usually did that, deciding that it made him a loving husband even with everything that he did behind closed doors and the fact that he only needed to do the favour because he didn’t want her to have a car for herself. He claimed that it was only because they couldn’t afford it, but she also knew that he was probably scared she’d drive away and never come back if she could. Bold of him to assume she’d be brave enough.

That was why she found herself sat on a bench sat next to the nearest bus stop to the diner, that still took her fifteen minutes to drag her tired feet too. She was being vigilant, checking over her shoulder at every noise she heard that tended to end up a rambunctious squirrel or a magpie snacking on a worm. It was a bit later than she’d usually be waiting for the bus, she’d spent a little longer pre-baking for the next day because her thoughts of the near future had gotten too distracting and for some reason, she felt a strange sense of dread about going home that evening, she wasn’t sure why. The sun was starting to set which made her nervous, a bus journey across town in the dark didn’t sound like the safest scenario but it looked like that was going to end up being her fate. Her brain began running through every possible outcome of the impending bus journey, until her thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Mrs- wait – Alyssa, it’s good to see you!” she heard as she turned to come face to face with her doctor, who had been on her mind for at least half of the two weeks since she last saw her- not that that meant anything, nothing at all. She was just really relevant to the source of all of her worries, that was the only reason why her bright smile flashed into her conscience so often, honest.

“Oh hi, Dr Nolan—” Alyssa started before the doctor interrupted her quickly as she sat down next to her, just a little too close to be entirely comfortable considering their very undeveloped relationship and all of its origins.

“Please, it’s Emma, ‘Dr Nolan’ is my work persona.” She said with a stuttered laugh, mock sincerity in her voice, though it was not without an awkward smile on her face, she clearly wasn’t used to seeing patients in the wild, per say, and she didn’t know how convinced Alyssa would be by the suggestion.

“No, actually I think I’ll just stick to Dr Nolan, but uh thanks?” Alyssa shut her down quickly, staring intently down at her hands to avoid eye contact with the infuriatingly pretty blonde. She’d already been thinking about her in a way that breached the patient-doctor boundaries since she’d first been confronted with her and being on a first-name basis would not help her case in the slightest. She was straight and married and of all people, her doctor was not going to get in the way of that.

“Ah that’s- that’s fair.” Emma said bringing the interaction to a grinding halt. She obviously recognised this and began tapping her feet as she fought to think up some momentum for a conversation, because the next bus that she assumed Alyssa would be getting on was at least ten minutes away according to the weather worn schedule pinned to the post of the bus-stop sign and ten minutes in silence didn’t sound like much fun. Luckily Alyssa beat her too it.

“I haven’t seen you around her before, do you usually get the bus?” She asked, simply making polite conversation to clear the heavy silence that weighed over them and the slight additional distance she’d made between them by shifting to the end of the old wooden bench.

“Oh no I don’t, my car’s being serviced, and I thought I’d take it to get to grips with the new area, I’ve been here a few weeks and I’ve barely left my block.” Emma explained, not quite looking directly at Alyssa as she did so. She found herself reaching a hand to push her glasses back up to the top of the bridge of her nose just so she had something to do with her hands.

“Ah that makes sense, where abouts are you from, and where did you move too?” Alyssa paused, “Wait you don’t have to answer if that’s weird…” She clarified as she looked up at Emma from the hangnail she’d been previously focused on.

“Uh just up by Appleton Park, one of the cute white picket fence kind of place. I moved from Connecticut. I finished my residency, and my girlfriend broke up with me, so I needed a new start and here I am.” She said, gesturing with weak jazz hands that fell to her lap as it dawned on her how much she’d said, “Sorry- some of that wasn’t really what you asked…”

“Don’t worry-“ Alyssa reassured her gently, making eye contact with hazel eyes for the first time. Something about her demeanour was charming to Alyssa, comforting almost and she didn’t want her to feel put out- Emma was gay, even if she’d already made that assumption but she was presumably newly single, but that had nothing to do with her because she wasn’t single, or gay.

So instead, she chose to focus on the ‘now’ of what she’d revealed, “but Appletree Park huh? It’s really nice round there.” She had always heard those in the medical field earnt a load of money but damn, Appleton Park, Edgewater was about as nice as it got around there- she had memories of walking there with her mother as a child, admiring the methodically cut lawns and matching coloured doors each house had.

“Yeah, it’s not bad.” Emma agreed. Her hand wandered to the back of her neck, fingers running over baby hairs as the conversation fizzled out once more. For a second or two it seemed maybe like they were both enjoying talking to one another but any hope of that quickly dissipated. Emma searched her brain again as the odd silence washed over them both, still sat both wishing that whatever bus that was on route would turn up soon to save them. Then it hit Emma.

“That pie was really something else. Do you bake them for a living or is it just a hobby?” She complimented, not thinking anything of it until Alyssa’s reply disregarded the question she’d posed.

“Wait- you tried it?” she asked, confusion evident in her voice, “I thought you didn’t eat sugar…?”

“I didn’t- I don’t, I only had a taste,” she clarified, lying through gritted teeth, but she was a doctor, and she wasn’t about to admit to one of her own patients she’d eaten a whole entire pie in a matter of minutes.

“Just one bite? I admire the self-control Dr Nolan. Customers at the diner usually end up with a second helping soon after I serve up the first slice.” She smiled at the thought. She was proud of her baking; many had told her it was award worthy and that always meant a lot. She poured her everything into each dessert she crafted so to know that it was enjoyed was special.

Emma blushed at the compliment. ‘If only she knew’.

“But it was delicious, like—truly the best thing I have ever eaten. I have no idea how you did that with your own hands but my God! It was—biblically good!” Emma exclaimed, a smile on her face as the compliment gave her a confidence she only found when saying things, she truly believed in.

“Biblically good? That’s a compliment to go down in the books… thanks” Alyssa mused, laughing lightly at her doctor’s evident enthusiasm.

“You know- it’s kind of, funny. Sitting here with you, in that uniform reminds me of my childhood a bit.” Emma confessed to the brunette sat by her side, a sentimental look on her face.

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?” Alyssa asked, genuinely confused by her doctor’s antics. She was so mysterious in a strange kind of way that made her want to find out anything that there was to know.

“You remind me of somebody I once knew, she’s probably old now, forty-ish.” Emma stated plainly, unaware of the connotations of a claim like that.

“T-thank you…” Alyssa said, not sure what she was getting at entirely.

“Oh- OH. Nonono—I just mean, she was a waitress at this café I used to spend my afternoons at during high school, she’d sneak me treats even when I didn’t have the means to pay for them. I don’t think I’d be where am I today if it wasn’t for the way she believed in me, even when nobody else did, not even my parents. She was kind to me- sort of reminds me of you.” She explained, a wistful smile on her face as she reminisced on the happy memories. Unbeknownst to Alyssa she hadn’t had the greatest childhood but if anything, it made her more resilient, determined, empathetic.

“That’s sweet of you Dr, nobody really- I don’t know- thinks of me like that often.” Alyssa confided, causing Emma to furrow her brow slightly.

“Somebody must have, right? The wedding ring, and the whole baby situation…" Silence. "No? Ok- well, she baked pies, and cakes and biscuits, every day without fail- like you! Though, if pies were books yours would be—” Emma paused, trying to think of a good enough metaphor to encompass just how earth-shaking the delicacy had been, “Shakespeare’s letters!” Emma said, before groaning internally as she realised the connotations of that, that hopefully Alyssa wouldn’t understand.

‘Good one Emma, compare her passion to a compilation of gay love poems Shakespeare wrote to his supposed gay lover. Great one. Lucky for you she’s straight and probably isn’t as into gay history as you are.’

“You’re like her, but- almost a hundred times better.” Emma added, finding joy in the blush that spread over the woman’s cheeks as she directed more compliments at her.

“You know, that reminds me of something my mom would say, she taught me to bake, and she’d always tell me if you got the ratios just right, if the balance of sweet to salty was perfect, you could tell a whole story and paint the most stunning picture with just a taste.” Alyssa told her. She didn’t often share stories of her mother; their relationship had been complicated but she loved her and missed her always. Letting Em- Dr Nolan in on that was bigger than it first may seem.

“That’s exactly it! She was right, it was truly something special. One taste of that cream was enough to leave me wanting the whole thing. It was- intoxicating, enlightening. If that’s how I felt just sampling it then I really wonder how you felt making such a masterful thing…” Emma prompted, but she never got an answer because in the midst of her gushing the bus- Alyssa’s bus- pulled up to the stop, screeching to a halt as an indignant bus driver shouted, in case the noise hadn’t been enough to alert the potential passengers of its arrival.

Alyssa got up, smoothing down the skirt of her dress as she did so, a newly found smile on her face because of the conversation. Emma watched, enchanted, as she strolled towards the open bus door, but just as she was about to step onto the vehicle, bus pass ready in her hand, she turned back towards her doctor, a slight smirk on her face.

“Just one bite caused all that wondering?” she inquired, a knowing glint in her eye.

As the bus pulled away Emma found herself whispering to nobody in particular considering her lack of company: ‘it only takes a taste, when it’s something special’. And that’s what Alyssa was- something special, indeed.

Chapter Text

Alyssa had always had secrets, when she was growing up there was so much pressure to be perfect, to be the golden child, that she was scared to tell her mother things on occasion, like if she was behind in a class or she could feel the tug on an injury from hours of cheer practice. That fear meant she kept things to herself, things that might affect how everybody views her, or what they thought about their family. She kept it a secret when her father left, it had been a long time coming for her, but the rest of Edgewater thought that their family were the cream of the crop and she wasn’t about to dispute that. Then when she finally started to let her thoughts regarding her sexuality surface, from herself, from everyone, shoving them down as far as they would go and quietening them until they became nothing but a quiet buzz, there but not present. Basically, Alyssa Greene was good at keeping secrets, she always had been.

In line with that now perfected skill, Alyssa had been hiding her news from everyone, she didn’t see the need for anybody to know. She’d made it three months without a single person finding out- well beyond her control. Shelby and Kaylee knew, they’d been the ones to effectively force her into taking the blasted test in the first place and by association Kevin had probably worked out something was up, considering the women spent more and more of their breaks muttering about it, none too quietly. Then of course Em-- Dr Nolan knew, after all she was her doctor and she’d only had to go into the doctor’s office because of it.

The doctor had still been on her mind, even more so since their interaction at the bus stop, no matter how hard she tried to push her out. She was just there all the time, with her quirky hand gestures and charming half-grin- it was infuriating because it wasn’t as if Alyssa wanted her to be there- not at all- she took zero enjoyment from thinking about the woman, none at all. She had a husband, and no number of beautiful women was going to change that- not that she thought Emma was beautiful, aside from in a respectful, platonic way. Alyssa had known she liked girls and it wasn’t as if Emma wasn’t her type, per say, but that didn’t matter because she was married to Eric. But despite being very aware of these facts she couldn’t get her out of her head, it was like a magnetic pull that she was going to have to put all of her little energy into refusing.

But besides from that minor issue and those few people, still - nobody knew, and she was desperate to keep it that way. If she didn’t admit it to anyone outside her of her very tight inner circle, then she didn’t have to think about it, it didn’t exist- even if that blood test had said otherwise and it would be much easier if she could just keep it that way. So that’s what she did. It was her secret. At least that was the case- until one evening with her husband in their home. It wasn’t an out-of-the-ordinary evening, it had been anything special, she’d gotten home around the normal time she did, leftover pie in hand ready for Eric’s dinner.

She hadn’t wanted to do it, tell him, not just yet- because it was safer if he didn’t know and she wasn’t entirely sure how she should do it to avoid the least severe reaction from him, it wasn’t as if they’d been planning for it, hell they hadn’t even had a conversation about kids and Alyssa would have been quite happy if it could have stayed that way, even if there was an impending expiration date on what she was hiding.

But it had all come tumbling out, she’d exposed herself before she could even think about the words falling from her lips and not by choice but because she was scared. She might not have been a hundred percent thrilled about being pregnant, but she had this new flicker of a motherly instinct. She had read about it in a few articles, when she found herself confused by an uncontrollable yet underlying urge to protect the little life; it was perfectly natural, but as she’d spent her whole life boxing herself in and building up walls any feeling of the sort, so it was alien. So, in that moment revealing her secret to her husband was the most ideal, and best bet she could take in trying to do so.

Eric had gotten angry about money, though she couldn’t be sure that was the root of the frustration entirely because she never really knew with him. Apparently, the tips she’d worked long and hard for weren’t sufficient enough for him and when she’d offered to work a few more hours (despite not having a spare second in the day) but that wouldn’t do because then she wouldn’t be there in the evening to do the chores plus whatever else he needed her to do.

Logical, head-strong, intelligent Alyssa found it a little hypocritical considering he’d lost his job just the week before. But he was angry, so ‘Housewife Alyssa’ – as she affectionately referred to herself as – quieted the voices in her head telling her it was unfair and as usual let his unkempt feeling run their course. It was always easier if she took a step back and get it over and done with because he was stressed, and it wasn’t his fault and ‘sometimes men get frustrated’ as her mother would have told her if she was still alive. But this time it was different and although it wasn’t what she wanted or planned, she couldn’t deny the way she’d become protective of her child, that relied on her and as he raised his hand to her, when ordinarily she would have taken the slap, she shouted.

“Eric—I’m pregnant- stop!” she blurted, cowering away from him, barely even opening her eyes to see what she might be faced with after the confession. The fact she’d told him was terrifying because she’d been out of control of her tongue there, it had just happened. But equally it was liberating, in a way, she’d stood up to him for the first time ever. She didn’t know she was capable of that.

“You’re what?” He spat, hands dropping down to his sides as some of his anger dissipated at the unexpected announcement, not nearly enough for Alyssa to be comfortable though.

“P-pregnant Eric- I, uh, we’re having a baby.” She stuttered, emerging slightly from the temporary shell she’d encased herself in. Her brain was on red alert, blaring sirens screamed at her for letting him in on the news but it was done, too late to retract, so she had to see this through.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, sickly sweet, coming to sit next to her gently on the couch as he propped a pillow up behind her, acting as if now he knew that she wasn’t just her own person he cared in the slightest- Alyssa knew better, she could see through his act.

“You’ve been stressed, with your job, and I didn’t want to make anything worse.” Alyssa admitted, that was the half-truth, she didn’t want to make anything worse, but his stress and sanity weren’t particularly the things she wanted to protect.

“Oh, that’s wonderful Alyssa… A Tiny Eric! God that’s amazing!” He said with a smile, seeming a bit more genuine as it sunk in for him. Amazing was one way to put it, at least he wasn’t mad about it, but Alyssa thought that maybe it just possibly could be worse.

His words spurred a terrifying though in Alyssa’s mind. A tiny Eric sounded like the closest thing to hell on earth she’d ever heard before. Alyssa wasn’t particularly religious anymore, not that she had been even after all of the church services she’d been forced to as a child, and she definitely did not believe in all of the stupid gender roles she was subject to that society thrived upon, but she prayed more than she ever had done that she would end up with a daughter. Maybe it wouldn’t make a difference, after all, she was so like her own father as opposed to her mother. Was that a genetics thing? Would her child end up looking like him? She wasn’t sure how it worked; she could probably deal with them looking like him but if they were a boy maybe they’d act like him too- that she was less sure she could deal with.

Her breath hitched but she kept a straight face, as she felt unwelcome, cold, calloused hands on her midriff where they’d crept up beneath her skirt, starting on her abdomen, the most precious part of her growing body. She watched his face as he felt out the new curve that he clearly hadn’t taken any notice of before. They drifted higher than she wanted them too - but she was powerless - making her skin crawl and a new kind of nausea rise to her throat, a forced smile on her lips. Hoping the look didn’t scream ‘I’m trying to ignore the icy touch that’s making me feel like I need a shower.’ Because that’s what she was thinking.

His hands drew away abruptly, and Alyssa had to stop herself from exhaling loudly with relief. The stoppage alerted her, it seemed to her as if he’d had a thought, something that could easily have been dangerous, but he didn’t leave Alyssa apprehensive for long.

“You’re still going to love me more though, right?” Eric clarified, a hint of nervousness to his voice. Alyssa stifled a look. It was funny to her, maybe in a sad sort of way, that he thought that she actually loved him. She’d been conditioned to love him, gotten into the routine of saying the words no matter if she didn’t mean them. Maybe she once loved him but not anymore, not after everything he’d done. She didn’t love the person he’d become, and she didn’t think she ever could, or would, again- she didn’t want to. She wasn’t so sure how much she would love her baby; she knew she would in some ways because of that bond every parent raved about, the one based on instinct. But she didn’t know if there would be resentment around their relationship, because of the disruption to her life and plans. But no matter how much adoration she would feel towards her child, she did know it would be at least ten times more than she loved her husband.

“Of course, I will- of course.” Alyssa said with a taut smile, relaxing for a moment as he backed away from her, running a hand through his hair. She didn’t want to be fearful of him, but she couldn’t help it, there was too much history there. She flinched again as he came towards her, setting a firm hand on her shoulder that made her draw in a sharp breath.

“You better- You can love my baby, but you gotta love me more. I’m warning you.” He cautioned, a hint of aggression in his voice that chilled Alyssa down to the bone. She cringed at his use of ‘my baby’, it wasn’t his baby it was hers, at least for the next six months but she wasn’t going to utter another word after that, fearing what might happen if her brain took control again and she blurted out what she was actually thinking – the opposite to what he was asking of her.

Eric got up to grab his old guitar. The wooden body of it was marked with dents and scratches from various points in its life. He started to strum away, an old guitar song he used to play to her in college. Once she loved it, it had been a symbol of their new love, the bright future she dreamed of sharing with him, but now she shivered at the tune. It was sweet, not overly offensive, but it had held such a significance to a younger, naive Alyssa and it hurt her in a deep way to know that everything she had hoped for had crashed and burned into what it ended up as.

In that moment it was real, her mind caught up quickly with everything she’d been supressing for what felt like a lifetime now. She was pregnant, with his baby, she couldn’t avoid that. She realised that she had never felt so trapped in her life, not when her mother forced her into a thousand school clubs, or her friends made her date whatever boy was swooning over her in high school, or when she had hours of her sometimes-gruelling shifts left. This was real, no matter how much she tried ignoring it, it wasn’t going to make it go away. She’d been to the doctor and she couldn’t escape it, and on top of it all that doctor was, despite everything else, the major thought in her mind.

As she laid in an otherwise empty bed, Eric was probably passed out on the couch surrounded by empty glass bottles after he’d said he needed to watch the game alone to ‘process the big news’, the haunting song lyrics floated around her head, giving unneeded muse to her already overactive inner voice.

‘You’ll still be his. This isn’t a copout, and you don’t get to do it alone. He’ll always be around, to influence your child- his child. You’re trapped with him and she’s not going to help you either- she’s just your doctor, even if you’d like more. You don’t get her, you’re stuck with him, your husband, because you’re tied by vows.’

Alyssa eventually turned off those thoughts with safety in the thought that the next morning she could: get to work a little early to avoid facing Eric in the morning; do a shift, get to spend the days with Shelby and Kaylee whilst filling them in with what had happened the night before (leaving out some revealing details); and then maybe stay a little longer than she was really needed by claiming she had to prebake a few spare pies- giving her the time to bake away her newest worries, like she always did because maybe then she’d feel ok again.

Chapter Text

The day after she told Eric passed as usual for the most part. She did end up fulfilling the promise to herself, that she was allowed to leave home slightly earlier because that was only fair following the events of the evening before. If she was honest Alyssa would have wanted to leave for work as soon as she’d let her tongue slip, but she doubted Kevin would be there to cook for the definitely sleeping customers and even if he was, the buses weren’t running that late into the evening. Ignoring the familiar nausea that she was feeling. Alyssa got onto the first bus of the morning, giving up an hour in bed next to her clearly hungover husband in exchange for an hour in the diner’s well-loved kitchen.

If he would have been awake early enough to see her pull on her worn blue uniform she would have stated that her reason for leaving ridiculously early was that she needed to be there, so she could get on with finishing up pies that she’d started the day before; he didn’t need to know that she just didn’t feel safe being around him for too long, that she couldn’t bear to deal with his questions or comments regarding the elephant that now sat pride of place in every room she walked into. The bus journey was plentiful enough to get her thoughts in order, thinking over what new recipes she could work out based off of the previous day’s events.

Something with some dark cherry or a bitter dark chocolate was coming to the forefront of her mind first, it would go down well with customers which was always a priority, and she was craving the richness of that, even if personally she’d usually go for something brighter, zestier. She hadn’t delved too deeply into her specific feelings but logically that pointed towards a little bit of resentment. Alyssa had found that over the years she would subconsciously link flavours to her mood. Shelby and Kaylee would jest that you could tell if she was having a bad week or a good week based on the list of ingredients she requested to bake with, or by the list of ironic dessert names she’d scrawl onto the chalkboard. That day specifically she had lots of name suggestions, maybe she’d work out how to turn the pre-baked pastry crusts into them…

‘I Hate My Husband Pie: sprinkled with cocoa solids that almost make you wince, but the sweetness of the caramel makes it just bearable.’

‘Berry the Bullshit Pie: mounds of decadent fresh berries, maybe just enough to hide all of your problems in.’

‘I Don’t Want Eric’s Baby Pie- scratch that, can’t write that on the menu board…

Bad Baby Pie- quiche maybe, with ham. Nobody loves quiche, but you put up with it if you don’t quite realise that’s what you were ordering.’

Alyssa was first to arrive at the diner, unsurprisingly. She pulled the small key for the back entrance out of her purse, she was the only one of the employees that had a key, but Kevin had begrudgingly agreed once Alyssa pointed out that he would basically be nowhere if she didn’t have enough time to bake and her working hours just weren’t sufficient. She let herself into the building, then to the kitchen, throwing her purse onto a spare spot on the metal shelves clad with various jars of chocolate and powdered sugar.

Her eyes settled onto a book that Kaylee and Shelby had bought her in an attempt to get her more excited about the impending arrival. It was one of those ‘Letters to Your Baby’ thing, and it was pale yellow with printed lace that made Alyssa want to vomit for reasons unrelated to morning sickness. She didn’t want to be one of those overbearing helicopter moms, she wanted to be a casual parent. She didn’t have time, she didn’t want the trouble of it all, she just wanted to still be able to bake pies. The baby could be an addition, but it wasn’t going to shift her whole personality. She was her own person; nothing was changing that.

After washing her hands and tying a freshly laundered apron around her waist in a way that was as natural as blinking due to how many times she had done it. Sometimes she wondered if the mundane tasks she did on the daily could be applied in a competitive environment of some sort, maybe a table-setting tournament or something. She set to work continuing with the work-in-progress pies, though the way she ended up decorating a few of the delicacies had skewed from her original plans.

She found herself choosing more complex designs: a few pastry flowers and a number of lattices. Perhaps the artistry was a reflection of the mess of her mind - even if she did try to reason with herself that it was just because she wanted a distraction, something to focus her little extra energy on so she didn’t have to think about anything actually significant. She baked and she baked, and she baked some more until she had enough for all of the customers that they would see in the hours when her shift officially started.

Shelby and Kaylee got to the diner just over two hours later, bombarding Alyssa with question upon question with why on earth she was there so early, if anything had happened. Whilst Alyssa had always been on the more secretive side when it came to her home life, the two weren’t entirely stupid and had noticed the changes, the subtleties that made up their best friend’s demeanour that pointed to the obvious. Alyssa brushed off all of their enquiries, again standing strong with the sentiment that she just wanted to make sure she baked enough for the day, as they laid out menus on tables, refilled condiment bottles and stacked napkins into dispensers like they did every morning.

They worked the first few hours of the frenzy, pouring coffee after coffee and scrawling down order after order. Alyssa tried to stay focused on her work, it was usually the one thing that she could find an escape in, but it wasn’t enough that day, everything was too up in the air. Meaning, when her favourite customer entered the establishment, she felt a heavy sense of relief. Shelby nodded towards her as Tom walked carefully through the doors of the diner, bringing a bright smile to Alyssa’s face as she made her way towards the older man.

Alyssa pulled her order pad out from her apron, clicking a ballpoint pen alongside it, ready to scribble his predictably specific order ready for Kevin in the kitchen. Though the man had a more serious air to him once she approached him, a look on his face that looked fitting for an interrogation room. Alyssa would be lying if it didn’t concern her slightly but she painted on her usual bright, appealing smile and spoke confidently- a skill she was glad she had learnt from being forced into debate club as a teenager.

“Morning Tom!” She said, eyes kind and body language open, that’s what you do if you’re not sure how an interaction was going to go, she knew that.

“Alyssa. I’ll have a coffee please; black, extra hot.” He requested, much blunter and to the point than she would have expected from the formally sarcastic, witty man.

Alyssa had gotten better at hiding the way the dark liquid still turned her stomach, but it was still an issue she dealt with, especially after such little sleep- she barely had the energy to mask it. She clasped a hand to her mouth gently, scratching above her lip to act as a decoy from the strange action, before she could take a deep breath to settle the whirring within her Tom spoke up again.

“Aha! I knew it! You’re knocked up! In the family way- how should I put it- Oh! You’ve got a bun in the oven, is that more your speed?” He exclaimed loudly, drawing the attention of a few customers sitting nearby.

Alyssa froze, stumbling over her words, “Shhh! No - No I’m not.” She claimed, acutely aware of the eyes on her, burning holes in her uniform.

She hadn’t heard anyone outside of her circle say it out loud and it terrified her. In her panic at the accusation, Alyssa went to turn away from him, to swap out with Kaylee even if the man preferred to have Alyssa as her server, but he caught her wrist with a gentleness she was certainly not used to at all.

“You can try to deny it, but I’ve seen that look on a woman before, in one of my summer girls. I know that look Alyssa.” He continued, his newspaper was sat firmly on the table, but he dropped his light grip on her wrist to pick it up, folding it open and beginning to glaze his eyes over bold headlines.

“W-what happened? I didn’t know you had a child.” Alyssa pointed out. Tom Hawkins was the loneliest man in Edgewater. Rich? Yes. Influential? Yes, but lonely, he lived alone on the outskirts of town in a nice, detached townhouse. Everyone knew everyone in the town, and if he of all people had a child of his own then she would for sure know about it.

“You’re right. I don’t. She lost it; it was a relief really. Sure, I would have done the noble thing and stayed, we had made plans, sacrifices. We were set to be married come winter but there wasn’t the need, I guess it wasn’t meant to be.” He explained nonchalantly, eyes still fixed onto ink printed paper. It had been years since it had happened, he had never been invested in the idea of a child, for him it was just one of those things, a distance memory, what could have been. But it was Alyssa’s now, her future.

“Oh, okay, I’m uh sorry to hear that.” Alyssa hadn’t really stopped to consider that as a possibility, but now that he had mentioned it. She didn’t wish that upon anyone, for sure not herself, it would solve her problems though… She stilled her thoughts from running down that path, shaking her head to clear them away.

“Anyway, enough about me. I’m rooting for you, you know. I saw this, you’re a good employee, dedicated, resilient, not to mention you’re talented for sure. You should enter.” He offered, tilting his paper towards her, finger tapping on a bold, bordered box.

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‘CALLING ALL BAKERS!

Dee Dee Allen’s Pie Contest - Coming to a small town near you!

Fancy yourself a perfect pie maker? Put that to the test and you’re in a for a chance to win $25000, so what’s the harm in entering?

Edgewater Indiana – Entry Fee $250’

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Alyssa read the notice, chuckling in disbelief, no way could she ever win it. Sure, everyone that paid a visit to the diner loved her pies, frequently selling them out before dinner time rolled away. But a national baking treasure’s competition? No, no chance. Despite the rash proclamation in the form of the very suggestion of her joining the competition, she still felt her cheeks heat up and a light blush run up her neck. It was nice, to have someone believe in her, just for once. She couldn’t remember the last time someone genuinely had faith in her, in her abilities. Alyssa appreciated that but that couldn’t cure the brunette’s blindness when it came to seeing the full talent she had when it came to baking.

“No- no way. I’m halfway decent on a small-town scale but I couldn’t ever do that, not to mention the point that I don’t have a spare two-hundred-and-fifty dollars, some of us aren’t made of money.” She said, shaking her head, running a hand through messy curls that had fallen from a loose ponytail.

“You know, I think you could, and you don’t have to believe in you when every person who has ever had just a taste of your desserts would vouch for you if the winner was decided by the public. Nobody would have to know if I tipped you more generously over the next months until the entry fee is due. Just think about it, the prize money would be good, for your baby you know.” He said calmy, Alyssa always admired how laid back he seemed, she had a soft place in her heart for his soft hand movements and mischievous winks.

Without another word, he teared it out of his newspaper and folded it exactly, slipping it into the white fabric at her hip. The waitress fulfilled her job, taking his order and noting down how he wanted his eggs cooked and the way he wanted his toast toasted under the grill but only on one side. For once Alyssa barely took a notice of the specific, it didn’t bring a smile to her face, her brain was preoccupied.

This time though, it wasn’t dreams of her doctor, not her goofy grin or soft curls. It was the stupid piece of paper nestled safely in the apron that she’d had to start tying a little looser over the last couple of weeks.

Alyssa thinks, ponders, considers and then thinks some more for the duration of her shift. About everything that it could mean for her if she just jumped, took the chance when it was given.

‘You don’t have the money, Eric would find out, he’d be onto you. That’ll make everything worst for you and them, don’t be selfish.

But the prize money is enough for you to run, never come back, find a safer place, surely that balances out the risk of storing away a few dollar bills here and there.

Why would you run? Everything is here, your childhood, your friends, the last connections you have to your mother. Don’t risk leaving it all for a possibility.

Not being here without your friends is better than being here with your husband though, think about it.

You might not be good enough, who knows if you would win. There are people ten times better than you, don’t be ignorant.

But people like your baking Alyssa. Dr Nolan liked it; and she doesn’t even eat sugar, there’s something in that. You could do this.

You could do this.’

She was going to do it, it was her one chance to start a better life for her and her unborn child, she could give them everything that she never had, keep them safe from the horrors they’d already unknowing been objected to. She had no idea how Eric would truly react to having a baby in the house, and she was determined to never have to find out. She just had to work out how to raise the goal, she could talk to Shelby and Kaylee about it, maybe take a few of their shifts- though in hindsight they probably wouldn’t agree to that considering how much she overworked herself already.

Alyssa’s subconscious had been wearing at her all day as she pondered the possibilities throughout her shift. Still then as she baked into the early evening, once again too apprehensive to go home just yet. She was scared that Eric would have had a change of heart about the news, she wouldn’t put that past him, and she didn’t want to know if that was the case. So, if she left enough time, he could change his mind over and over again, as much as she pleased, and she could hope that it would land in her favour just in time for her to come through the front door.

Though relief came at last as she returned back to her safe place, the kitchen with its industrial oven and noisy metal mixing bowls, it was enough though, she exhaled loudly, her thoughts finally pausing to stop as she kneaded the dough beneath her fingertips, careful not to overwork it or warm it too much with the heat of her hands. She managed to complete a few bases before she felt the urge to go to the bathroom. She had always been good at holding her bladder, she could go a whole shift without having to dash to the bathroom but that had flipped one eighty, especially since she’d made an effort to up her water intake at her doctor’s recommendation. Though when she finally had to give into it and went to the small bathroom, a place that now held a strange kind of significance in her life, she was faced with the hint of something once familiar that now filled her with a heavy sense of dread.

Not knowing what else to do, she escaped the stall which walls had begun to close in on her, quickly checked on the pie in the oven, and then rushed towards her purse that she’d ditched behind the jar of bread flour, fumbling for her phone, hands trembling. It wasn’t until she heard her quick breaths echoing in her ear as the phone line rung that she truly accepted how fearful she was. The recipient of the call picked up the phone and Alyssa didn’t pause to hear out the formal voice’s introduction.

“Hello, you’re speaking to Dr Em- “

“I know that it’s past your office hours by now. But y-you told me I could call you if I had any questions or concerns but I’m bleeding, just spotting really, I’m not in any pain, but I don’t want to google it, just in case… I’m sorry.” Alyssa choked out, voice shuddering as much as her shoulders were.

“Alyssa? Hey, okay, it’s okay. I’m sure it’s going to be alright. Just take it easy for the rest of tonight. Try to get some rest if you can. Then come in the morning- first thing, eight am, I’ll check and make sure everything is in order. Trust me you’ll be okay.” Emma offered calmly, she’d been met with a hundred phone calls similar to this one, though her heart softened more than it usually would at Alyssa’s broken tone.

“T-thank you, thank you. I’ll see you, in the morning.” Alyssa mumbled, exchanging goodbyes with her doctor before hanging up the phone, stuffing it back into her bag and leaving the still-messy kitchen quickly, she could tidy up in the morning, she’d probably set the place on fire if she tried to deal with it then and there, Kevin was usually understanding. She embarked on the walk to her bus stop, hoping the next opportunity to get home wouldn’t take too long to arrive. Her shoulders were slumped, a way of closing herself in on herself, trying to keep everything safe and intact.

Alyssa sat on the bus that night, picking at a few hangnails, thoughts somehow considerably heavier than they already had been that morning. Part of her told her that this was her fault, she’d thought about it for a few moments when Tom had brought it up in his story, maybe her subconscious wanted this so much that it had worked out a way to trigger it, would it really be the end of the world? Yes, it would. Alyssa hadn’t planned on this, but she was attached now, this was going to be her motivation to get out, to get away from her husband. She tried not to worry; she really did but the fear just kept invading the bubble she tried to put up around herself.

Alyssa wished there was a way she could revisit the bus stop with Dr Nolan. That evening was the first time she’d genuinely enjoyed a person’s company in a long time and the trip home had been so full of thoughts of her that she didn’t feel any of the normal anxieties about being on a bus, alone, at night. Though as hard as she wished for that it couldn’t be, she was here in the now and she just had to hold on until the morning, there was no way of knowing for certain that anything was even wrong. It was going to be ok; she was going to be checked out in the morning and Em- Dr Nolan- Emma. Emma was going to be there, which comforted her in a way she wasn’t sure it should but she was grateful for.

Chapter Text

Emma Nolan had always felt a little left out. Ostracised, removed, invisible, astray from every expectation that had ever been held of her, drifting away from the tide like a fish that had lost its shoal. She never had friends in kindergarten and instead of playing hopscotch in the playground she chose to stay in the far corner of the classroom, choosing to play doctor with a diverse array of stuffed animals, expertly healing their sore heads and bruised hearts, dreaming of one day being able to help people for real, not just stuffing and fabric. Little Emma didn’t mind though, she was happy by herself, just her and her thriving imagination thinking up all of the entertainment she needed. She never knew any different because Emma was an only child to a set of, in her early youth, loving parents who took every opportunity to dote and spoil her. Parents who loved her unconditionally.

But that wasn’t true because there were conditions and Emma realised that eventually, once identities were realised and the shiny façade of early childhood dissipated- she was left alone, without the comfort of her creativity to ease the burden of ever-standing isolation.

There were signs when she really young, how she was really very invested in Disney princess films- and not for the princes. The way that when she got her first few pairs of glasses she gravitated instantly towards the little green frames with trains on the side as opposed to the pink and purple ones with hearts. Or how when on the rare occasion she did play with the Barbie dolls her mom had bought her for getting a good report card, the Ken doll stayed firmly in the box and she instead acted out scenes with the countless perfect Barbie dolls, doing things with them that would have made any unsuspecting conservative blush and scream (kissing, by the way).

But it really started to become clear to her when she was a tween, not wanting to wear dresses to those god-awful church services she was forced to suffer through each Sunday. Then cropping her hair to her chin because pigtails and braids secured with rosy pink bows made her feel uncomfortable in a way she couldn’t yet understand. It was the way her parents constantly asked her about which boys she had crushes on and she didn’t have an answer for them, not one they’d be happy with, because she only had eyes for the blue-eyed little girl, who always wore bows in her hair that didn’t make Emma want to gag and that sat at the front of her fifth-grade math classroom, distracting her constantly. Emma knew that she wasn’t just left out because she was introverted and wanted to be on her own, it was because she was different and in that small town, different was bad.

To Emma, different meant hiding herself for as long as she possibly could, frantically googling ‘Am I A Lesbian?’ quizzes on incognito mode on her iPod, tears streaming down her face because she couldn’t possibly be that. She’d heard the lectures from her pastors, telling- no- warning her youth group how every homosexual would go to hell, that they couldn’t support that sinful lifestyle. What terrified her most was that she knew her parents lived and breathed that exact rhetoric, that being gay was the one condition that would break their perfect life into a hundred pieces.

Spoiler alert- it did.

Emma was reckless with her browsing history one time; all it took was one time, to have her heaved out onto the doorstep with a guitar and duffel bag full of school supplies. She moved in with her grandma – she liked the gays – and though the feeling that her parents hated her for something she couldn’t control was all-consuming and so incredibly painful, as she painted an electric green feature wall in her new bedroom at Betsy Nolan’s house, she felt an odd sort of relief and a glimmer of a hope for the first time since she was ten.

But that crumbled quickly once the news inevitably spread like wildfire around their whole town, of how she’d been disowned, being the only out queer kid in her entire high school. It meant being bullied constantly by every single one of her peers, slurs being hurled at her by football players and mathletes alike, because nobody liked the lesbo, not one single person. She spent all of her time tucked away, hidden safe, in an old band closet for the majority of her time at the school, with nobody to socialise with besides from a half-smile hidden in the knots of the worn wooden door. It was horrible, and reflecting on it, Emma wasn’t totally sure how she survived it, and that was with however many years of medical school under her belt.

It certainly wasn’t fun but there was a temporary escape in the form of a ramshackle diner that Emma frequented on days where the constant, unescapable panic attacks in the school bathrooms got a little too much. A safe haven she would drive to in her battered red pickup truck when she needed a quiet place to study for her science finals, because being an honour’s student was the only grasp, she still had on any of her teacher’s liking her at all despite the way she sinned- something she held onto tightly. If she couldn’t be a jock or a popular girl, she could be smart, that she was in control of.

The building itself wasn’t anything too special, but it always sat pride of place in Emma’s mind. It sat on the intersection near the edge of their town, usually hosting guests in the form of truckers on pitstops in need of a refuel for both them and their trusty vehicles- meaning not every person ‘knew’ her because of her reputation. It was run by an older couple, she’d heard them whisper about her on occasion as she ordered a chocolate milkshake, her backpack still sitting firmly on her shoulders. It wasn’t them that made it magical, it wasn’t the red booth seats, neon signs or spritely pop music that hummed quietly in the background of the restaurant- it was her.

The waitress.

The waitress that Emma idolised, adored, cherished- she would attribute every positive adjective under the sun to that woman, no questions asked and not just because she was a pretty face. She might have been three times her age, Emma wasn’t exactly sure because like they sat, it’s rude to ask a lady her age, but Emma found her enrapturing, enchanting. Sure her soft curves, kind smile and warm features were somewhat eye catching for the young lesbian, she’d be lying if she tried to claim she’d never imagined how her lips, always coated in a generous layer of rouge, would feel against hers. But that wasn’t why Emma kept going back when she knew for sure that she was on shift after learning her work schedule like it was her own school timetable; or why her hazel eyes would light up with light that contrasted their usual dimness.

The thing that drew Emma to her was the way she believed in her, when nobody else did. She listened to her go on and on about the newest song she was learning to pluck away on the guitar, abandoning her momentarily to find a spare piece of pie or a stray cookie for Emma to snack on even when she barely had ten dollars to her name, let alone expendable income to splurge on cream coated delicacies. It meant the entire world to the teenager, when nobody else heard her out because of the preconception they held over her head down to a stupid, irrelevant label, she wanted to hear what Emma had to say, no matter how small or silly it may have seemed.

Emma wasn’t religious but she often thanked god for that woman, for seeing something in her when she was so lonely, so misunderstood. Over slices of pie she learnt to believe in herself, realised that she had the potential to achieve anything she dreamed of, anything at all. And so the dream of going to med school, becoming a physician who could help people regardless of who they loved, she could be different than every narrow minded bigot that plagued her. If she hand’t had had a pair of ears to understand, a heart to encourage, a mind to scheme with she would have thrown all of that potential away and she would have been an entirely different person.

After applying to what felt like every school in every state, she got in, celebrating thoroughly with her Grandma over their favourite films and a few games of scrabble. That night was the first night Emma felt truly proud of herself, opening that letter and screaming in the overwhelming joy. She felt proud again when she graduated from med school, finally ready to face her intern years at a bustling city hospital after years of hard work and dedication and so many hours lost pouring over textbooks to ace each and everyone of her assessments with flying colours. But this time, in this next step of her life as Dr Emma Nolan, she’d be accompanied by the girlfriend who was on her arm at said graduation, her first serious girlfriend.

Emma met Kate during her biochemistry class in her second year at college. She fell quickly, and she fell hard for the girl. It was a love like she had never known before, she was constantly planning romantic little dates for her for the little time they spent together in their busy schedules. Emma was at her happiest when laying with her head in her girlfriend's lap, staring up at flashcards they were testing each other on. Dating somebody in the same educational field as you had many pros, they understood the work they both needed to put into their studies, neither of them minded if they needed to cancel a movie theater trip in exchange for a few more hours in the library. But once they started their internships together, then subsequently their residencies, the previous shared understanding of how little time they had, only became a big barrier. But in a desperate hope to salvage what was left of her one great love, Emma proposed and the two got married in a courthouse near the ground-floor apartment they co-inhabited. It wasn't enough to stop the wedge that only drove them further and further apart, and Emma's initial love flipped slowly to disdain, as much as she willed it not too, as much as she clung to the metal band wrapped around her left ring finger.

It wasn't enough, none of the hoping could save their relationship, which became evidently clear when Kate was offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to research the newest advances in neurosurgery- the field she hoped to one day excel in. Emma was so proud of her, she wanted her to be the best doctor she could be, they both wanted that for one another, but what she was asking her for was something Emma simply couldn't do, there were somethings she couldn't give up. Kate wanted Emma to move to England with, where the research centre that had offered her the position was. She claimed it was a fresh start for the both, Emma could get a research job of her own similar to Kate's, or she could pick up her residency in one of the many hospitals in the vicinity of where they'd be living. England was new and exciting, a place full of double decker buses, red post boxes and opportunity, but not the kind Emma wanted. England was rainy, and cold. She wanted to be able to say yes, as they stood half a room away from each other, tears streaming down both of their faces as they stared their dearest wife in the eye, knowing the inevitable was closing in on them as quick as the walls in the room were, but she couldn't do it. She couldn't leave her Grandma, the person who had raised her when her own parents wouldn't. Europe was too far away. So as much as it broke her heart she had to let her go, she had to sign a stack of paperwork and remove the cool metal ring from where it had sat long enough for her to get used to the feeling, like it was an extension of her body.

Getting a divorce was painful for Emma. It stung the sutures on the wound her parents abandoning her had left all those years ago, the recognisable feeling of losing a primary source of love in her life resurfacing, but she did it because that was what needed to happen and she was there at the airport as her ex-wife flew far away from all of their history, leaving nothing but Emma behind- she wouldn't fit into her suitcase.

So Emma found a practice to transfer to and she moved back into her Grandma's house, back into the bedroom she resided in for so much of her teenage years. There was nothing in Connecticut for her without Kate, so what was the point in staying in a place that only reminded her of pain she had endured, besides living with her Grandma wasn't so bad, she got freshly baked cookies, Betsy Nolan was for sure her favourite person ever, she was excellent conversation and she made jokes that could rival even the most world class comedian's humour.

Emma wasn't sure she would ever love again, she wasn't sure she wanted to love again, not if it ended like the dumpster fire of her first marriage. It wouldn't worth it. She tried dating a little, but unsurprisingly there wasn't a thriving lesbian community in Indiana, Tinder was just full of creepy, mildly homophobic straight couples looking for someone to spice up their bone-dry sex lives- Emma wasn't interested in participating in anything of that sort. Ever. Subsequently, she thought romance was dead, each and every bland, conversationless date only proved that over and over.

But one person had changed that, there was a spark with Alyssa. Even from the limited time they’d spent together Emma knew she could effortlessly spend hours upon hours with her, and the way she baked in a fashion that rivaled the ambrosia the gods delighted in was a plus too. The woman's soft brown eyes occupied her every thought, every time she fell asleep her brown curls would find their way into her dreams, and if Emma was honest she didn't really mind. There were worse things to be constantly on your conscious than an effortlessly pretty girl.

Despite the way Emma felt a familiar enchantment about the patient, whatever crush she could sense brewing on Alyssa, she prided herself in always keeping an untouchable, clear professional boundary with all of her patients, nothing was going to get in the way of that- or so she told herself. Plus, Alyssa was straight, married, one hundred percent unavailable. So she tried to rationalise the fact that she was at work two hours early to specifically see Alyssa. Dressed in navy scrubs, catching up on some charting as she waited for Alyssa to arrive. It was just another way she went above and beyond for all of her patients, that it wasn’t anything about the brunette, or her out of control feelings for her that made her want to make sure she was okay, even if that meant scheduling an appointment for before Alyssa’s shift started.

That was all it was, and that was enough reasoning for her to ignore the booming of her racing heart in her ears.

Chapter Text

Alyssa didn’t sleep much that night. Not that that was anything too far from the ordinary. She didn’t sleep much very often, despite the fact that she worked long enough hours to the point where she was ready to take a nap standing up if she stood still for too long during her shift. There had always just been too many things on her mind for her to drift off to dreamland, she never mastered the art of ignoring them for long enough, instead focusing much of her energy at channelling said thoughts into baking. If she could serve them, place them on display for others to see then maybe she didn’t need to get eight hours of solid rest, maybe that would be enough. So ever since she was a child, Alyssa never found much solace in being able to turn off for the day and rest like the rest of us might. Though she made her peace with that over the years.

The first time she had found herself awake long past her designated bedtime was when she was six. The little hands on her yellow, flower-shaped clock that was hung on her baby blue walls, had ticked to and through seven-thirty pm, yet Alyssa laid there, under her hand sewn comforter her mother had spent hours poring over when she had requested a new blanket to match the fresh lick of paint they’d spent a whole weekend giving her room. It was then blue, which made her feel very grown up, it was much better than the pink that had been on the walls prior to the makeover, pink made her feel like a baby, and she wasn’t a baby because she was five. But the soft hue didn’t remind her of a clear summer sky then, not in the dark that night, not when she could hear her usually loving parents screaming bloody murder at each other. Then it was just as dark and vast as the endless night sky she could see through her slightly open curtain. Alyssa was too young then to know what was going on, but she often found herself transported back into that headspace as an adult, connecting the dots that became clearer and clearer the more she understood, the more she experienced within her own marriage.

Then in her teenage years the overwhelming, incapacitating pressure she’d been feeling to be perfect, unbreakable ever since her father finally left when she was thirteen was enough to halt any hope of being able to fall asleep. She didn’t have time to sleep, more than ever then because there was homework to do, she couldn’t fail her classes because if she was on top of her studies then she was too high above everyone else for them to see her struggling. There were debate notes to finish, being in a debate competition gave her a sense of control she couldn’t find at home, even if she was so nervous her hands would shake constantly as she spoke. There were all of her student council minutes to read over, piles and piles of loose-leaf paper to order correctly, staple together and memorise in time for presenting their ideas for the winter formal to the stony PTA panel. Then of course there were cheer routines to run over in her mind, earbuds crammed into her ears listening to the cheesy pop music their coach had chosen constantly until she could do those routines back to front, with her eyes closed, in her sleep- if she ever slept.

There were a few years when she could sleep. The early years of her relationship with Eric, where she felt safe in his arms, safe enough for the bath full of thoughts in her head to be emptied once in a while, though maybe it was just because she was so run off of her feet with the heaviest workload, she was yet to hold that her body had no choice but to force her into sleep, so she had a chance to reboot and restart. It was a welcome relief from years of restlessness, and she’d never felt better. She had energy to enjoy nights out with friends whilst still being able to concentrate on her work when she needed to, her stress levels were reduced because she didn’t have to spend all of her time thinking about the expectations her mother held of her which might have had something to do with not being at home to hear them barked in her ears at every opportunity.

But once she moved back to her hometown, into Alyssa and Eric’s new home in such a familiar place that flipped one-eighty. As their previously healthy marriage declined into a wreck of outbursts made up of screaming and constant flinching, Alyssa got less and less sleep. She was often too scared to fall asleep if anything had happened during the day, instead laying tensely next to her sleeping husband, barely breathing because disturbing him wasn’t worth oxygen. It felt strangely full circle, how she had started off her life as far back as she could remember not being able to sleep in a bed, in Edgewater for fear of a man shouting at his wife and ended up in a bed, in Edgewater, barely fifteen minutes from her old family home, unable to sleep for fear of being shouted at by her own husband.

A comparison almost laughable.

That night hadn’t been much different to all of the evenings she’d spent terrified, but instead of being unnerved by her partner beside her, she was spooked by the capabilities of her own body, the way it was eerily possible that her entire reason to keep going and her fuel for escaping the prison-like confines of her home could very well be lost, which worried her in a way that she hadn’t ever believed it could. But Emma had told her to get some sleep, so she had tried and managed to get a couple of hours of shut eye- because Emma was the one person with her best interests at heart, so the advice was probably a good goal to aim for.

Despite how she’d gotten considerably less than forty winks, she still she managed to haul herself out of bed at just past seven, leaving enough time for her to pull on clothes, tame her tangled hair and head out the door to start the short walk to the bus stop, with the motivation that she was going to go to the quaint little doctor’s office serving as enough to let her push through the way her legs shook with every step closer to her destination. She timed it well enough so that she only had to wait a few minutes until the bus arrived at the stop, screeching to a halt. Alyssa took a moment to scan the adverts on the side of the bus, taking sudden interest in the newest marvel film poster tacked to the side, claiming to herself that that had nothing to do with the nerves she was feeling about what the appointment could reveal to her and the news she certainly did not want to hear.

It was all going to be fine, Dr Nolan was an excellent doctor, well according to her own raving self-reviews she’d given as she’d tried to convince Alyssa that she was more than capable to be her new doctor.

She had been right.

Alyssa hadn’t had to reach out quite like she had in her panic the evening before, but she had given her the occasional buzz in the month since they had first met. Calling within office hours a few times to check whether she could eat this type of cheese, or if she was supposed to be feeling like that at whatever hour of the day and every time, she had been met with what she assumed was a smile, because it was so wide, she could practically hear it through the phone, the sound creating an image of the slightly bashful doctor in her mind that painted a grin on her face just as big. She didn’t take the reassurance lightly, and it was often the thing that kept her from tumbling over the brink she found herself on increasingly often. The bus pulled up outside the community hospital, Alyssa thanked the driver as she stepped off the vehicle, clutching onto a pie that she’d baked in her panic-filled haze the evening before. She wasn’t sure why she had felt so compelled to bring her doctor an entire pie, but she was appreciative of her, and it was just a thank you for all of the support she’d provided (unknowingly) that definitely fell outside the brackets of her job description- hence why she found herself face to face with Dr Nolan in her medical office, hands outstretched in offering.

“Alyssa! Good morning.” Emma beamed, eyes soft as they studied Alyssa’s face, a hint of worry as she took in just how tired she was, before her gaze dropped to the gift in her hand, “I-is that for me? Thank you… that’s really sweet- my gran will be grateful, she was annoyed I didn’t save her some of the last one, once I told her about how amazing it was-“ Emma rambled, before catching herself and adding quickly as she realised what she had let onto, “Because I shared it with everyone- in the breakroom- with the nurses- obviously.”

“Of course, yeah, yeah” Alyssa giggled in response to Emma’s claims, “It’s nothing really, it went spare. ‘Life’s Just Peachy-Keen Polka-Dot Pie’- ironic really, all things considered.” Alyssa blushed, put out by Emma’s fond words, such kindness was unusual to her, the only positive interactions she got were with her best friends on a busy shift or with customers, but that was purely contractual- she knew that.

Emma interrupted the slight silence that had settled after Alyssa’s joke that didn’t land so well, she was so captivated by the brunette she almost forgot why they were there, “So… Good news! You’re fine, light spotting is a perfectly normal symptom of early pregnancy.” Emma said brightly, with a smile on her face that wasn’t reflected on Alyssa’s face.

“Wait- what? You’re not going to do an exam? Are you kidding me?” Alyssa asked, bemused by her doctor’s words.

“No, there’s no need. I mean, we can listen to baby’s heartbeat, if that’ll make you feel better. But I can assure you, everything’s fine, you’re both fine.” Emma responded, confused by why Alyssa wasn’t so relieved, it had sounded like she was so worried during their phone call last night. Alyssa nodded at the offer, something tangible was the only thing that would convince her that it truly was okay, no matter how much she may have trusted Emma. The doctor complied with the request, sliding a monitor over to the bed where Alyssa had just sat down. She fumbled around with a doppler, tongue between her teeth as she tried to find the fast heartbeat on Alyssa’s newly exposed abdomen. The loud thud filled the room and Alyssa finally relaxed, for the first time since her discovery the evening before.

Satisfied that everything was alright, Alyssa took a breath, to settle the fizzle of anger in her gut, as she stood up and fixed her dress straight again whilst Emma put everything back in its place. Alyssa found herself stepping quickly towards the doctor, straight into her personal space, acutely aware of the sense of electricity jumping between them. She cleared her throat, pulling Emma’s attention back up to her eyes in a way that made them both swallow thickly.

“So then, do you want to tell me why I’m here? Before this place is open – I’m not stupid Dr Nolan- I might be accidentally knocked up but I am not stupid. Nobody else is here, just for you to tell me ‘spotting is a perfectly normal symptom of early pregnancy’. What do you want from me? Hm? Because I don’t want anything to do with you anymore.” Alyssa spat, tone twisting with the unrequited rage she was feeling. It was uncontrollable, and the bewildered look on Emma’s face only made her steam further.

“I-uh, I just wanted to help out, I know you’re busy… I-I’m sorry. I don’t want anything from you, I’m just your doctor- I don’t know.” Emma stuttered, clearly put on the spot by the way Alyssa had spoken to her, the fact she’d worked out the significance of the time and put out by how close she was to her. She was a patient and there was for sure a boundary put in place in Emma’s own mind, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t just slightly attracted to the woman and it certainly didn’t provide a way for her to turn off the way her body reacted to the proximity.

Alyssa faltered, it wasn’t a selfish thing like she had first assumed, it was just her being genuinely nice. Alyssa had lost all control at the woman for no reason, yet still the only thing she could think of in the aftermath of her tantrum was what her doctor’s lips would feel like on her own. It had been so long since she’d felt the press of another woman’s lips on hers- hell, it had only happened a few times when she got particularly drunk in college and nobody even knew about it, she planned to keep it that way. She might have imagined it, but she swore saw Emma’s steady eye contact drop to her lips. They were so near yet so far, Emma’s breath was loud as it intertwined with hers, if she just leant forward slightly, she could finally fulfil the ideation consuming her thoughts. And before they could share another word or any sense of rationality could stop her from doing it, Alyssa gave in and joined their lips.

The kiss was pure magic. It wasn’t hard, or callous like she was used to from her husband, it was tender and soft; almost too good to be true…

‘Because it is.

You’re married Alyssa.

What would he think?

What would he think of you kissing another woman like the disgusting-

No.

You need to breathe sometimes, to be able to take in fresh gulps of clear, unpolluted air and to Alyssa, kissing her feels like that. You’re just coming up for air.

No- you can’t.

Stop.

Stop, now’

So, Alyssa gave into the voice- she didn’t have a choice. It was the voice same voice that constantly controlled her thoughts, that stopped her from taking any good opportunity she was ever given because she didn’t deserve goodness, she couldn’t. She pulled away, heart squeezing painfully as she turned away and rushed towards the door, adrenaline ringing in her ears. She’d done the damage; she had opened the wound that had been threatening to tear those last few weeks- she might as well not extenuate it.

Alyssa stood facing the door, composing herself as she tried to will herself to leave, to turn of the faucet of attraction and feeling that was pouring freely now, flooding her every move. She needed to leave, just a twist of the door handle and she would be free of these sinful thoughts, she could leave and find a new doctor, never come back, it was so easy in thought, but so impossible in principle.

“You forgot your bag—” Emma offered weakly, Alyssa cursed herself internally, pausing again before turning around to grab her purse from the doctor.

‘It’s a simple task Alyssa, pull yourself together. Just take it and leave. It couldn’t be simpler.

Grab it then leave.

Grab it then leave.

Grab it then leave.

Don’t leave.’

At the hint of assurance from her own brain, she was crossing the room again, and in an instant Emma’s lips were back firmly on hers. Emma shrugged her lab coat off, Alyssa tossed her purse across the room to discard of it, all whilst hands were exploring each curve of the body opposite them as they exchanged hot, desperate kisses. It was satisfaction in every sense of the word and the women were powerless to resist the magnetic pull forcing their bodies closer.

“Alyssa- We- We shouldn’t.” Emma mumbled between heavy breaths, entirely distracted as Alyssa ran rampant pressing kisses down the column of her neck.

“I know- I know- Fuck.” Alyssa retorted, but she didn’t slow her actions, if anything the pace increased. Emma made quick work of the round white buttons that ran down Alyssa’s dress.

“This is a terrible idea- What are we doing?” Emma muttered, taking in the sight of freshly exposed skin that only fuelled the heated interaction.

“It’s just going to make things worse- You’re my doctor.” Alyssa stated, not a single one of her interests was focused on stopping. Her heart had practically stopped in her chest, frozen in lust but somehow still racing twice as fast as it had been before.

“You’re married.”

“Shit, I know but.” Alyssa paused for a fraction of a second, holding Emma close to her as she flicked through her thoughts, “I don’t care- it’s right for me.”

“You’re sure?” Emma asked, pulling back slightly to look Alyssa in the eyes, shuddering when she nodded firmly.

“I need a bad idea.” She responded curtly, confirming her wishes with another kiss, letting Emma’s tongue slip between her lips graciously.

Alyssa let go of every inhibition as Emma backed her towards the bed in the middle of the room, where she’d been sat just minutes before. Oh, how things change. Her mind was screaming at her that this was awful, terrible. But Alyssa didn’t care and neither did the heavy heat she felt nagging at her core. Emma was too soft, too delicious- she was addicted. She was allowed good things sometimes, and maybe it was okay if she let Emma be that for her. It was something she could do for herself and enjoy it too.

Regardless of the circumstances, in the moment she finally let go of the fear of not being perfect, the worries about doing something unconventional. For the first time in a long time, she realised for herself what she truly wanted and realised that she could have it. So, she gave into Emma’s bold, determined touches.

She felt wanted, after ages of feeling like property of someone else’s pleasure, Emma made her feel desirable, almost beautiful. That alone was enough for Alyssa to be confident in the fact that surrendering to her desires was a pretty good bad idea.

Chapter Text

It was pretty safe to say that Alyssa kept the rather, unexpected events of her last doctor’s appointment to herself, it wasn’t like she really had anybody to tell, but her husband certainly couldn’t find out about it so if nobody else knew then he was less likely to find out- not that he listened to anything Alyssa had to say anyway. Though that wasn’t to say that it, and the blonde whom she’d gotten up to it with, hadn’t been on her mind constantly. Alyssa thought that the intrusive Emma thoughts were bad enough before she’d given into the insatiable desire she had for the woman, that there was no way that they could have gotten worse.

She couldn’t have been more wrong, they had only gotten a hundred times worse, the desire burned deeper.

Now she knew how it felt it was as if Alyssa could do nothing other than think about the feel of her lips on hers, the taste of sweat shined skin. She wished and she wished that she could just turn the thoughts off because this wasn’t her, she was straight and married. Her attraction to women was simply a phase that she went through in college, there wasn’t a place for it in her life anymore- but she couldn’t. No matter how hard she tried, every time she shut her eyes the blonde was there, and when she opened them again, she was only a blink away once more.

There was nothing she could do, so she decided that she would let herself have the thoughts. Thoughts were nothing, as long as she was in control. Nevertheless, Alyssa couldn’t help but wish that every time Eric placed sloppy, disrespectful kisses on the column of her neck that it was Emma in his place. Emma who had been so soft, so gentle, so loving. In those moments if she squeezed her eyes shut tight enough then maybe he would disappear, cease to exist.

So after nearly a week of relentless daydreams full only of the downright adorable doctor she realised that she had long given up on oxygen, she was breathing Emma and only Emma now- and the blaring appointment that was only days away made that only (somehow) worse. Now that she’d felt so much, so close to her once there was no telling if she’d be able to hold herself together the next time they were alone together, no telling at all.

Despite the fact that she could have easily spent all of her time just recounting every touch, every kiss that she’d shared with Dr Nolan on that fateful morning, Alyssa still had a job to do. And she was doing it, but she was quite obviously distracted as she did so, and people noticed. At least those closest to her did - her best friends.

Shelby, Kaylee and Alyssa had grown up together. They were all on the cheer squad in high school, they spent countless evenings fawning over the newest of James Maddison’s prime jocks (well, two of them did) and Alyssa could hand on heart say that nobody knew her better than they did, they probably knew her better than she did in some respects.

Hence why- when Alyssa started zoning out as a customer reeled off their order and she had to ask them as politely as possible to repeat themselves, or when she dropped the occasional stack of menus because there was clearly something else on her mind- they knew that something was up.

Kaylee had brushed the concerns off a little when Shelby had ambushed her in the corner of the diner floor, pulling her out of earshot of any customers or for that matter, Alyssa, who was clumsily stuffing napkins into the server booth’s collection if napkin dispensers.

“Shel-“

“Shh.”

“What? I thought we weren’t doing this at work… though you could come round after our-“

“Shh!” Shelby, hushed her, though she couldn’t stop the blush that crept up her neck at the suggestion of her—her colleague, “It isn’t about, that. Something’s up with Alyssa, don’t you think?”

Kaylee paused for a moment, looking over at her friend, still busy at work, before replying frankly, “Of course something’s up Shel, she’s pregnant. We both know that that wasn’t the plan, it’s a lot to process.”

“No, it’s not like that, she’s different even from when she found out. She’s not withdrawn or mopey- and Alyssa is good at being that. She’s distracted by something else, maybe even a good thing. Has she spoken to you?”

“No, she’s not said anything to me. Just leave her Shelby, let the woman have something good without having to be interrogated about it, it’s the least you can do.” Kaylee knew that Shelby had the tendency to be a little nosey sometimes, but she also knew that if Alyssa felt comfortable to do so, she’d tell them about whatever it was that was distracting her in good time.

“Whatever, I’m going to find out eventually.” Shelby said, clearly dissatisfied by the answer than had been given.

“I said to leave her-“ Kaylee started, but Shelby had already wandered off and was greeting the newest customer at the door. The air of curiosity still very much around her, showing not telling the waitress that no matter how hard she tried there was no stopping the detective on her mission.

Alyssa was none the wiser that either of her friends had caught on. She didn’t realise how her usual stone-cold focus was so easily swayed now, or how never before seen doe eyes were frequently on display when a certain someone floated into her conscience. In her head it was all under control, the less than platonic thoughts were confined to her mind and her mind only.

Alyssa had no reason to think that that maybe wasn’t the case, until she was approached by Shelby at the end of one of their shifts as she wiped down the tables that sat between rows of red leather coated benches.

Clean-up was her time to decompress from the day, psych herself up to go back home, by that I mean back to her husband, though these days it was more often than not her time to think about how incredible it would be if she got home to the charming young doctor instead of her drunk, unemployed husband. It was usually just her at this time in the evening, Shelby and Kaylee both left about fifteen minutes before, so she was surprised to hear a second voice fill the room, a confident, stern second voice.

A voice that she recognised instantly as one of her best friend’s voices.

“Greene. What’s going on with you?” Shelby said, closing in on where Alyssa was cleaning, leaning. A hand on the freshly wiped table, leaving a handprint that made Alyssa wince and swat her the offending hand away with the damp cloth she was using.

“What? Nothing’s going on… I’m trying to tidy up.” Alyssa retorted, not sure why she was being ambushed all of a sudden. She kept her focus as best she could on the task at hand but there was a niggling thought that had been floating in her mind ever since her and Emma had- surely couldn’t have caught on, Alyssa hadn’t told a soul.

Shelby’s persistence interrupted Alyssa’s spiral.

“I know you, don’t forget that. I’ve known you since we were in diapers and I can tell that something is up.”

Alyssa rolled her eyes, put out by the recognisable determination. Sure, it had been helpful at points in middle school if they really really wanted a sleepover and their moms were saying no, but in that moment it was exactly what Alyssa didn’t need.

“It’s nothing.” The woman said shortly, taking her friend by the shoulders to move her physically out of the way so she could continue on with the job she was trying to complete.

“Oh, so there is something?”

“No- there’s nothing, I said there was nothing.”

“You said it is nothing- which implies that there is something.”

“Stop it Shel.”

“Never. What is it? Is it something with the baby?”

“Everything is fine, the- the baby is fine.” Alyssa said, gritting her teeth in slight annoyance. Shelby noticed the slight falter in Alyssa’s voice as she repeated her own words, in any other situation it would have made her soften a little- but this wasn’t any other situation. There was something to get to the bottom of.

So, Shelby took a punt.

“Who are you sleeping with? It’s not like it’s your husband.” She half joked, whilst she didn’t know the full extent of the situation with Alyssa and Eric, she still understood that it wasn’t all so bright and shiny as Alyssa made out.

But she was not expecting Alyssa’s frantic reaction to the joke, she didn’t actually think that goody two shoes Alyssa would be so defensive, not if she wasn’t actually up to anything of the sort…

“What? No. Why would you say that? Who have you spoken too?” Alyssa responded, all too quickly for Shelby to trust the rebuttal.

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes. Yes, you are. You’re a terrible liar.”

“I’m not lying! Stop it!” Alyssa snapped, slamming the cloth down on the table that she had barely been paying attention too.

“Give it up Alyssa!”

“There’s nothing to ‘give up’”

“Fine, how about… I’ll give you a secret for a secret.”

“Okay…” Alyssa said. Although she wasn’t totally convinced by the deal, she was sort of curious as to what Shelby herself was hiding. For some reason the idea of her best friend hiding something from her upset her slightly - even if that made her a little bit hypocritical- it must be the hormones, “You go first.”

“I’m sleeping with Kaylee.” Shelby said plainly, as if it was the weather forecast being read out on the morning news.

“Excuse me- since when??” Alyssa gaped, forgetting herself and the original point of the conversation for a moment. Her best friends- together- as if things couldn’t have gotten more complicated.

Shelby shrugged, seemingly more on track regarding her original intent than Alyssa was, “A few months.” She answered nonchalantly.

“Wh- Why? You like women?”

‘Idiot. That was a little too enthusiastic Alyssa.

Quick save yourself, or she'll catch on.

You don't want anyone knowing that you're-’

“Uh- I mean, I didn’t know you liked women.” Alyssa reiterated, covering the badly trodden tracks from behind her.

“I didn’t plan for it to happen like this, but I’ve always felt something for her, and I needed it- to remind me I’m alive, and to be honest it’s working.

“Good for you, I guess.” Alyssa choked out, still slightly in shock from the news, if not a little disappointed at her own ‘gaydar’ she might be severely closeted, but it wasn’t as if she’d never had gay friends, she always managed to work out which girls were worth kissing- only when she did that in college of course. This had nothing to do with Emma.

“I told you mine, so you tell me yours.”

“There isn’t really anything to tell Shelby, nothing is up- just the usual.” Alyssa continued trying to claim, but to no avail.

“Oh come on Alyssa- I can tell that there’s something or somebody so just tell me. You can trust me. Is it the same kind of thing as what I’ve got going on…”

Even though it was all of her fault (not entirely but Alyssa kept telling herself that) her mind still ran to the comfort of the thought of Emma. It was craving Emma louder than it ever had before because Emma could take away the panic that was coursing through her veins at the idea of having to reveal herself to anybody else, even if it was her best friend.

Alyssa went to answer, she really did, she did trust Shelby and it might be nice if someone else knew, someone who wouldn’t judge her or hurt her for it.

But before she could get any coherent words out of her mouth, she was making her escape, grateful she already had her bag in arms reach so she could grab it and turn swiftly towards the exit. There was time to finish wiping the tables in the morning.

She heard a string of curse words from behind her and it was enough to make her swivel round to face her friend again.

“Stop right there. Whatever it is- and don’t try and deny that there is a thing- you need to be careful. I know what that man of yours is like and you can’t go getting yourself into anymore unsavoury situations, it isn’t just about you anymore.” Shelby said firmly.

Her sentiment caused Alyssa to come plummeting back to earth as she placed a protective hand over the growing curve of her uniform. Alyssa paused for a moment, taking a breath because she knew it was no good to just turn around and ignore this. Shelby had already proved that she wasn’t letting up until she got to the bottom of this.

“Fine you’re right. I am sleeping with someone but it’s none of your damn business. Like I tried to tell you it’s nothing really. But she makes me feel alive, Shel. I know it’s not ideal and I know I’ll have it all sorted out before the- baby’s here. By then it’ll be but a distant memory.” Alyssa explained, the words tumbling out quicker than she could really register the weight of them.

Her heart dropped as she said on specific sentence.

‘it’s nothing really’

It may have been the plain and simple truth, but like they say- the truth hurts. Alyssa knew that, even after the short time she’d been in her life, she needed Emma more than she’d let on, but it almost certainly wasn’t reciprocated and even if there was a flicker of a chance that it was, Shelby was right.

Though before she could tumble down a doom-filled rabbit hole, Shelby once again grabbed her by the metaphorical ankle by piping up. This time it was her turn to be surprised.

“A woman? Guess we don’t know each other as well as I thought.” Shelby scoffed. She was more unphased than Alyssa was expecting her to be but Alyssa avoided her eyeline, maybe in shame? Or embarrassment? She probably still had some processing to do, of Alyssa’s news and of the fact that she’d told someone about her own secret- if she was feeling anything close to how Alyssa was feeling about that there was still a lot of buffering to go in that department.

Alyssa said no more, choosing to cut her losses, turn on her heel and continue on her exit route out of the diner into the crisp evening breeze. She could talk about it with her another time, remind her that it was a secret, that nobody else could know- not that she assumed that Shelby would tell anyone else, besides from maybe Kaylee considering that they were apparently a thing now. A part of her felt comforted by that, another part had no clue what to think, and that was unusual for Alyssa Greene.

The interaction, understandably, ran through her head the whole evening. It stayed there as her husband pulled her roughly onto his lap, gripping her wrist with cold, uncaring vigour. As Alyssa held her breath the whole time whilst he kissed her. It stayed until she told him she that was too tired- because of the baby of course- to do anything tonight. As she promised through a steely façade that she would make it up to him, as she apologised for something she shouldn’t have to apologise for.

It was still there as she pulled herself under the bedsheets that she noted to herself she should probably change soon, but it came with a little bit of comfort as she glanced to the desk calendar perched on the nightstand.

The next day was circled with orange- orange was Alyssa’s colour code for her doctor’s appointments, well pregnancy related ones. When she was younger and just had the occasional well-being check-up, she would use yellow, so orange seemed like the natural progression from that. Now orange gave her a nice sense of calm because orange meant taking a pie to the clinical yet homey clinic to treat her doctor with. Orange knowing everything was going to be okay, with her and the life she was trying to protect from the cruelties of life.

Orange meant Emma.

Of course, Alyssa had known that the appointment was coming up, she was notoriously organised when it came to anything time related, she always had been and although parenting blogs told her that ‘baby brain’ was something she might be faced with later on, her mind was still just as sharp, and just as anxious. But it wasn’t just her usual organised habits that meant she knew exactly when it was- she would one hundred percent be lying if she said she hadn’t been thinking about it constantly because even on the hardest days knowing she would get to feel safe for even a half an hour appointment was so needed.

No matter if anything happened between them, she knew she Emma would still bring some relief to her exhausted brain. She had been able to that that from the first time they’d met, when Alyssa had first been charmed by her goofy awkwardness. And then again at the bus stop where Alyssa had been captivated by her genuine kindness. She knew realistically that if they ended up kissing, touching- anything of the sort- that it was bad. That wasn’t the Alyssa that her mother had raised, it wasn’t the example she wanted to set for her future child, but god was Shelby right. It reminded her that she was real, that she was so worthy of everything that Emma could give her that her husband couldn’t.

It felt so good, so wrong but so right, that perfect, untouchable Alyssa almost wished that it would happen again.

Because sometimes it’s a hard left turn down a road you never though you’d see.

Chapter Text

Emma Nolan was nervous, to say the least, the next time she saw the name ‘Mrs Alyssa Greene’ come up on her schedule of appointments for the day.

Realistically Emma had done much scarier things in her life; she’d gotten married, taken various oaths in front of audiences of onlookers before she could ‘officially’ be a doctor. But for some reason the idea of facing Alyssa again was even more nerve wrecking.

It was no surprise that she’d been attracted to her from the get-go. To put it simply, Emma appreciated beautiful women- of which Alyssa most certainly was. God she was probably the most stunning human she’d ever seen, and she liked to think she’d met a lot of people in her life.

If it had just stayed at face-value attraction she could have handled it. It was a matter of months until she’d be discharged from her service and then after that she’d put some extra attention onto the host of dating apps sat idly in a folder on her phone and find a new woman to dream about.

It didn’t stay at face-value though, because Alyssa kissed her. She kissed her like that and frankly it had rocked Emma’s entire world.

Barely a moment passed of her waking hours when the brunette wasn’t on her mind. She floated in, uninvited, whilst Emma was doing chores. Washing the dishes, making the bed- mundane things.

Mundane things Emma couldn’t stop imagining doing with Alyssa.

Each time she saw another patient there was a part of her that wished it was Alyssa. That instead of the sickly-sweet married couple trying to conceive their first child or a woman she recognised from the grocery checkout inquiring about menopause.

Before it had been easy to discount her blatant attraction because you can’t be attracted to a patient, not seriously, not a married one. That went against every single moral, ethical or logical code of conduct Emma had had drilled into her brain during residency,

But Alyssa kissed her- it wasn’t Emma who started it, by giving into a forbidden fantasy she’d schemed in her mind. Emma knew that for certain.

Besides from replaying the more satisfactory parts of the time they spent together over and over until the thoughts were as worn out as the old ‘Beatles’ tapes she would listen to with her father for hours on end. She had also played out each event leading up to the surprise kiss another hundred times just to make doubly sure that nothing she had done had made Alyssa feel pressured to do any of what had followed.

But there was nothing- not that Emma could pinpoint from it. Alyssa had kissed her and kept kissing her. It was all consensual, completely of course, but that didn’t make it ‘right’- that’s what confused Emma.

To Emma, it felt like the least wrong thing in the world, but it wasn’t, it couldn’t be because Alyssa was married and expecting a child and if Emma had any sense at all she would cut this all off before she could grow anymore emotionally attached to the- well- the affair.

So, having to face seeing Alyssa again, after what felt like forty years of constant recapping, indulging and being surrounded by thoughts of only her, of course only extended the perpetual confusion and anxiety in a way Emma had little control over.

Despite what had happened. What could happen again? - no she couldn’t think like that…

Despite what had happened between them, Emma still had a job to do. She was a board-certified doctor; she had taken an oath.

No amount of lust or longing could change that.

At least that’s what she had told herself would be the case, until Alyssa arrived that afternoon, hair tousled from a morning on shift, tell-tale tiredness on her face that made Emma want to pull her into her arms and protect her from everything that could possibly tire her again.

When Alyssa stepped into the room all rational thinking went flying out of the room before they’d even shared a word.

“Alyssa…” Emma breathed, giving the woman a once over, eyes catching on a pie shaped item clasped in Alyssa’s hand.

“Dr Nolan, I brought you pie.” Alyssa responded curtly, pointing out the obvious and avoiding Emma’s eyeline as she held out the desert for her.

“I can see that! What recipe are you treating to me this time?” Emma asked her, trying not to feel crestfallen by the way Alyssa was acting so seemingly hostile around her.

Alyssa cleared her throat, eyes softening as she finally met Emma’s gaze, not breaking it as she muttered her reply.

“In the dark- dark chocolate pie.”

And with that, seemingly innocent declaration, the thickness in the air doubled, tripled, as Alyssa put the expertly crafted pie on a free side and moved towards Emma. Once Alyssa was close enough that Emma could feel her warm breath against her lips – parted from the wave of emotion she was experiencing for seeing the woman again, Alyssa placed a hand on the doctor’s soft jawline.

Alyssa pulled Emma in for a sweet kiss that released tensions in both of the women that neither of them had truly registered was there, and that made Emma’s stomach swoop dangerously low.

Regrettably Emma pulled away.

“Alyssa- are you sure you want to do this? Because we don’t have to-”

“Emma, please.” Alyssa interrupted, nodding confirmedly, the use of the doctor’s first name took her by surprise; but it only emphasised the point that Alyssa was trying to make.

‘Please’

It was so simple, a word she probably uttered at least fifty times a day to all sorts of people; but falling from the lips of Alyssa it held so much more weight than one would first expect. Emma could tell that that was the case and if she had needed encouragement (which she didn’t) it would have served its full purpose in motivating her.

Emma politely averted her eyes to the floor, taking a keen interest in her running shoes, as Alyssa began to make quick work on the buttons of her uniform. But a firm hand on her chin, a fraction of a second more of eye contact and she was pulling off her scrubs in an effort to reunite bare skin in a way that made electricity shoot like lightning.

On reflection, it had been different to the first time. It was less desperate but, in a way, it was also more desperate. They knew the potential of the circumstance. It felt like home instead of a holiday.

Emma couldn’t explain it, but once Alyssa had left a while after all of the appropriate (and less appropriate) checks had been made, Emma missed her. It sounded stupid and totally irrational to think she missed her but that was the only way she could fathom to describe it.

The next call Emma received from her star patient happened not even a week later.

Alyssa rung claiming she had questions to ask Emma- about food or sleep or something else- the doctor missed the context. But despite missing the exact sentiment of the exchange, she could hear the lump in her throat through the phone line, and at that Emma was powerless to do anything other than schedule an appointment, right at the end of the next day.

Emma could help by answering those burning questions that Alyssa had. Or maybe she couldn’t help with her professional opinions and knowledge but maybe Emma herself could help a little bit, by being a friend to Alyssa- if she could call her a friend.

The doctor wasn’t sure if Alyssa though about her as much as she thought about Alyssa. Surely, she didn’t because she had loads of other things happening in her life, things far more important than Emma. Like a husband, and a house, and a job, and a passion and a baby on the way.

Emma was finishing off some charts for various patients she had seen throughout the day, though it was getting increasingly more boring and when Alyssa arrived, exactly on time- she thanked whatever god there was for her punctuality.

Alyssa, of course, went nowhere without pies and that specific occasion she was armed with a handful of ‘Poppy Seed Pocket Pies’ that she proudly explained was her mother’s recipe but far improved from when Alyssa had first tasted it as a child.

Emma was a little bit distracted by something she had laid eyes upon during Alyssa’s animated explanation though.

Emma noticed an angry red mark on the woman’s wrist below the cuff of a soft knitted cardigan she had been wearing, presumably to cover it up. Emma couldn’t help but furrow her brows as her heart jumped to her throat, but not in the pleasant way that she had become accustomed to when face to face with the beautiful woman in front of her.

Emma had been taught to recognise the signs of domestic abuse in med school, especially when she started a residency in gynaecology. There was the potential to come across people in all sorts of hostile environments and she hoped that to those victims her office could feel like a safe space, to share and to get help.

The thing was Emma had seldom come across it- and not ever in a situation like this.

“Don’t— “, a choked voice cut her off, even before she could start to form coherent, compassionate words.

Emma met Alyssa’s glistening brown eyes as the brunette shook her head curtly; a lump was clearly rising in her throat as she realised what Emma had realised.

Standing there in front of her, fiddling nervously with woollen sleeves, Emma wasn’t sure she’d ever looked smaller.

“Alyssa—” Emma began to counteract, but she was once again halted.

“Please I can’t do this right now.” Alyssa pleaded.

It’s funny how words can have a multitude of meanings. How that use of ‘please’ was worlds away from the last time she had heard the woman say the same word. It was chilling.

“Alyssa, I can help. If there’s anything going on at home, I can support you through getting out, getting safe.” Emma persisted, finally getting a whole thought past Alyssa’s stony barricade.

“I don’t need help! Nothing’s happening.” Alyssa countered, sounding far too frantic to be truthful, closing her body language further away from the blonde stood in front of her.

“What happened with your wrist there then, did he grab you?”

“Dr Nolan, Stop.” Alyssa struggled through tear tainted vision.

If this was another patient Emma would have let off, backed away. This wasn’t another patient. Emma cared for her deeply, passionately and she couldn’t turn the faucet of rage that had begun to flow as she imagined anybody laying so much of a hand on her.

“But Alyssa your wrist, you didn’t do that to yourself you couldn’t have. Someone grabbed you. Did your husband hurt you?”

“I said stop. You might be my doctor, but you are not my therapist. I don’t want to do this now.” Alyssa said sharply. Nobody had ever taken notice like that and that was scary for her.

“Then when are you going to do it Alyssa? You’re going to bring home a baby to that house, if you’re not safe they won’t be either.” Emma pointed out, and she meant every word she said.

“It’s not as bad as it looks.” Alyssa relented slightly, “It was just a one-time thing, a spur of the moment reaction because I did something wrong.” Alyssa lied through gritted teeth. She had done nothing wrong, logically she knew that he had told her she had, but she hadn’t.

Emma didn’t believe her, but when she realised that her confrontation was probably doing more harm than good and that she was probably better shutting up if she wanted to be able to help again, she didn’t say anything more directly about the matter.
So, she stepped forwards towards the closed off figure in front of her and placed a gentle and comforting hand on the woman’s arm, hoping to make up for how potentially harsh she had been in her flurry of emotion at the discovery.

“There’s nothing you can do” Alyssa concluded, but she didn’t shy away from the affection, instead she slid her hand down to take Emma’s into hers. She was touched by her care; she just wasn’t ready to accept the kind offer yet. Leaving would mean throwing away so much, so many memories of Christmas and birthdays and everything in between. The situation wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, she’d admit that, but it still meant something to Alyssa, even if only in the broadest sense of the word.

“Are you sure there’s nothing?” Emma checked calmly, squeezing the hand that just fit so effortlessly in her own.

“You can kiss me.”

Emma knew that it wasn’t the perfect solution by all means, but if it took away just some of the pain she would be cruel not to give into the self-indulgent request and go through with it.

Before she knew it, worried creases dissipated into the pure adoration she felt for the woman as her hands felt warm, expansive curves and lips met lips in an excruciatingly tender way.

If Emma could do any one thing in her finite life, it was proving to Alyssa that she would be there for her, regardless of how complicated it had the potential to become. And she could do that by making her feel worthy, eliciting noises that weren’t painful or sad. To Emma that was something- something important.

From that time on, with every intimate moment they shared when Emma was faced with clear expanses of soft skin, she looked upon Alyssa’s body with not only adoration in her hungry eyes, but the appreciative glances were also tainted just so with concern. She couldn’t help but let them roam once over to check for any notion of more physical harm, the tinge of a bruise or a break in flawless skin- luckily, she found nothing to concern herself with.

Despite how she worried for Alyssa, it also made her feel so incredibly alive. The feeling she got from kissing Alyssa, whether that be as a hot, longing greeting or gently as they wished each other farewell until they’d meet again, was unmatchable.

Emma could compare it only to the way she felt in the height of her romance with her ex-wife- and that was terrified because Emma had long given up on the idea of ever finding anything close to the one past love of her life. She had started to believe in those who say that you only get one shot at a great, lasting affection.

Sure, she had slept with women since her divorce, but always just after a night out with old friends or through a dating app after a crappy dinner date. It had never meant anything at all, not until Alyssa and the reason for that was, she realised, because she cared for Alyssa so deeply- past the bounds of a healthy patient and doctor relationship (that was probably an obvious conclusion though)

Every weathered palm, every endearment, every embrace.

Everything single thing reminded her how exhilarating and comfortable it felt like to love and be loved.

‘Love’.

Shit.

Emma couldn’t love her. Only in an alternate universe would they ever be able to be together without a million barriers shutting down their every move. She couldn’t let herself get attached- but it was far too late for that.

Because Emma was addicted to her. In the same way as the sweet pies that she bought with her to each one of their encounters.

Alyssa was refreshing and delicious in a way that had only gotten more and more intense with every fraction of time that they spent, skin on skin, together.

And Emma never wanted it to end.