Chapter Text
i’m not a little kid now
watch me get big now
spell my name on the fridge now
with all your alphabet toys
you won the spelling bee now
but are you smarter than me now?
you’re the prince of the playground
little alphabet boy
hyunjin huffed, hands high on his stuffed backpack’s straps, as he shuffled through the hallways of the new elementary school. it definitely didn’t feel like his school. at least the school allowed new students to visit and familiarize themselves before everyone else; his last school didn’t care, shoving him into the mix of kids who already had their friends and knew the teachers. thinking about his last school made him feel awkward and sad. he hadn’t made any friends there like his mother and father assured him he would. would this school be the same?
god, please, he really hoped it would be different. pretending to be fine with being alone was way too hard, even though hyunjin had somehow mastered it. he shook off the aching thoughts; “ this is a new school, a fresh, clean, slate ,” he thought. 5th grade was going to be a fresh, clean slate; hyunjin was determined. with a stronger mentality, he lifted his head from the plain, white tiles to observe the halls that he would be spending the next two years in. the long lockers were a dark green, and he grew excited, hoping to have one all for himself. in his last school, his class had to use cubbies, and the 6th graders were the only ones who had the cool lockers. his eyes drifted to above the lockers, where colorful posters were plastered.
“treat others how you would like to be treated,” hyunjin read aloud. he only hoped that the kids would follow the golden rule, and maybe show him some kindness. a hopeful sigh left his lips, as he peered down at his schedule, checking the room number of his classroom for the hundredth time, room 325. the hall that he was in seemed to be the 400s, so hyunjin kept walking, acting like he knew where he was going. there were other kids there, giggling as they compared schedules, and some parents, but the ten year old hated asking others for help, feeling too shy to do so.
when he reached the end of the hallway, he turned left, hoping that he’d finally reach the 300s. he groaned instead, realizing that he had sandwiched himself in the 500s. “ just my luck ,” he thought. instead of the 300s, hyunjin had managed to lose himself even more in the big school. he facepalmed for a good minute, not registering the sound of two pairs of sneakers coming down the hall and laughs that suddenly quieted at the sight of the young boy who was caught up in his frustration.
the older of the pair asked hyunjin, concerned, “hey, are you all right?” hyunjin’s head snapped up, hand flying away from his face, which burned red. the silence stretched uncomfortably as hyunjin stood there, feeling freaking embarrassed. when it became clear that hyunjin wasn’t going to say anything, the smaller of the two blonde boys asked him, “are you lost?” hyunjin shyly nodded, hand scratching the back of his neck.
“oh we can help you!” the older boy smiled, “what room are you looking for?” “room 325,” hyunjin answered. the smaller boy lit up, excited, “really? that’s my classroom too! my name is felix, and this is my older brother, chan.” hyunjin smiled back at felix, introducing himself as well as the three began walking through the hallways. “so, hyunjin, are you new?” felix asked, always curious. “uh, yeah, i moved here just a week ago.” felix grinned, “that’s cool! i hope you like it here.”
at last the boys had reached the room, and hyunjin peered around, curious. the desks were all lined up in pairs of two facing the front of the room where a smartboard and whiteboard were. the room was filled with lame, colorful posters, one reading, “warning! due dates are closer than they appear.” the front of the room was pretty basic, but the back surprised hyunjin. “wow, this is pretty cool,” he murmured.
the back corner of the room was surrounded with book shelves, like a mini library, and there was a yoga ball, and a colorful, fluffy carpet, and beanbags, and he decided there and then that that was his favorite part of the room. felix came up behind him, “yeah, i know right? it’s pretty awesome. we sit here when it’s reading time. did your old school have this?” hyunjin just shook his head, still shocked by the cozy corner.
eventually, he snapped out of it, observing the room for a little longer with felix before he led him back into the halls, to help hyunjin find his locker. when they finally located it, felix showed him how to unlock it, since his locker was only a few steps away. “thank you, felix,” hyunjin beamed, feeling happy that he had met someone so nice. felix smiled back, hyunjin’s cute smile was infectious, he couldn’t help it. the two started decorating their lockers, until chan had called out to felix that, “lix, mom wants us for lunch!” he left quickly after that, and when hyunjin’s dad came to pick him up later, asking hyunjin how he liked the school, he couldn’t help but to tell his dad all about the kind boy with freckles and a sweet smile.
—
already, time had flown by, and it was officially the first day of school. when hyunjin woke up, he was sweating from excitement and dread. would his classmates be as nice as felix? would he get along well with his teacher and classmates? the questions kept on coming as he grabbed a change of clothes and headed for the shower.
he dried his hair as best as he could and ran downstairs, where his mom had already called for breakfast. “hyunjin, you packed your backpack properly, right?” his mother double checked. he simply nodded, too busy losing himself in the delicious buttermilk pancakes in front of him. his mother simply chuckled at her adorable son, making him wash his mouth after he was done. hyunjin had always been a messy eater.
at last, hyunjin was ready to go. his mom had walked him to the school, since he still didn’t know his way around that well, and here he was, outside of the main entrance, braving himself for the endless chatter and hyperactivity he was about to be subjected to. he took a deep breath in, hands still high up on the straps of his bag, and he moved towards the door— only to be toppled to the floor. he blinked.
“what the hell?!” he whipped his head around, looking for the culprit. there he was, a boy with dark brown hair and a sheepish smile and apologetic eyes and a striped green and white shirt and a stuttering mouth that uttered a quick, “sorry”, before continuing to sprint to the doors. hyunjin sighed, picking himself off of the ground and swiping the dirt off of his shorts. the boy was lucky that the worst of hyunjin’s injuries were scrapes on his palms. still, those could’ve been avoided, and now his palms stung and he would probably be late on his first day. “how rude,” he muttered, disdain evident in his tone. the whole time on his way to class, he thought about the boy, who was he? why was he in such a rush? he barely cared, didn’t even bother asking hyunjin if he was okay, but here hyunjin was, thinking about who this boy was. he knew one thing for sure: he didn’t like him.
“hyunjin!” felix immediately called him over when he walked through the door, noticing the way hyunjin hesitated when he entered. hyunjin walked over to the seated boy, who was warmly smiling at him, and just like that, hyunjin momentarily forgot about the rude boy from earlier.
“hi,” hyunjin waved eagerly. he had worried that felix might’ve forgotten him or that it was a one time thing, but the freckled boy was just as amiable and welcoming as he had been the other day. hyunjin hoped that they could sit next to each other.
felix was sitting next to a brown haired boy who was peering at hyunjin curiously. “oh! hyunjin this is seungmin! seungmin, this is hyunjin,” felix pointed animatedly, gesturing to the two boys. hyunjin smiled shyly at the other boy, feeling slightly intimidated by his gaze, but the other boy quickly grinned back, melting the awkward chill around the group.
they chatted quietly among themselves, getting to know each other while waiting for the teacher to start the class.
jin took the moment to take a deep breath; “this was going to be a good school year,” his thoughts whispered. “hopefully,” hyunjin muttered.
felix’s head turned to him, “what was that, hyunjin?”
“oh, noth-,” the word stopped midway on its way out of his mouth, preferring to stall at the sight of a boy sprinting through the open classroom door. a boy wearing green. hyunjin’s eyes narrowed. it was him .
the boy seemed to have proper manners this time, apologizing to the teacher and class with flushed cheeks and a bowed head. multiple sorrys uttered, none directed his way.
“take a seat, jisung.” the teacher calmly waved him to the back. “is this a normal occurrence?” hyunjin muttered; this time, felix was close enough to hear. “oh, sung? yea.” hyunjin turned to look at the friendly boy, a puzzled look stamped on his face. felix was smiling over his head, though, and called out to jisung, the same way he had hyunjin.
jisung neared, walking over slowly, apparently not noticing the very new addition to the table; the same one he had fleetingly and barely apologized to. hyunjin watched him waltz over, getting a closer look at the boy. dark brown straight hair, almost black, and an expression on his face that hyunjin could not decode. his features were undeniably cute, but hyunjin ignored that fact, instead choosing to switch his attention to the way his desk wobbled when he shifted his elbow from left and right and back. interesting.
“lix!” jisung finally spoke, sounding way too gleeful for hyunjin’s irritated ears. felix moved from his seat next to hyunjin and wrapped the boy in green in a hug. “how are you? did it go okay?”
did what go okay?
“well… i’ll tell you later.”
“sit down, please, everyone! class is starting.”
and so jisung did. he pulled the chair out so nonchalantly and sat, not even sparing the rest of his tablemates a glance. until he did, and his doe eyes widened with pure surprise and a twinge of horror at the sight of hyunjin. hyunjin felt that grimace in his soul, turning away from the boy to focus on the teacher, who had finally stood up from her desk. he missed the unspoken, much more sincere apology that jisung sent his way. intended as a discreet form of communication, but from the start, hyunjin didn’t realize.
hyunjin willed it to be a good year, rude encounters aside. mentally, he pushed the green boy out of his mind. figuratively of course, hyunjin had never pushed anyone in his life.
needless to say, it was not the first time hyunjin and jisung would have their problems.
[two years later]
hyunjin was not excited. middle school was not the fun adventure chan had somehow convinced him it was going to be. it still mystified him, how the years had passed, and how the boy he had struggled to speak to had become a symbol of strength and a beacon of guidance and safety for him. still, he was wrong about middle school, and he was so wrong about this dance.
to celebrate a new chapter of life as junior high students- thank the cheesy principal for that introduction- the school would hold a special homecoming dance. normally, hyunjin would be excited. a school dance meant fun with friends, foes, and all alike. they could all dance in a circle, the loser, athlete, nerd, theater kid and all, cheering each other on, forgetting their differences. not that the school was cringey and cliquey, they were better than that (for the most part), but it was the feeling of letting one’s worries go in an atmosphere where everyone was trying to let go and let loose and do nothing except feel- no worries and no expectations.
except that’s not what this dance was going to be. unlike former years, this dance was not going to be in the spacious yet cramped high school gym. with great joy, the principal had announced that this dance would be at a fancy venue.
oh, his mother was so excited to hear it. she had spent the last week arranging for hyunjin’s tux to be simply perfect. “you’re going to love it, jinnie!” she had promised, and yet, there he was, hours before the dance feeling stiff and uncomfortable in the slim suit. he wished he could swap the fitted slacks for skinny jeans and call it a night. whoever thought a 13 year old would appreciate a suit needed a reality check. a sigh huffed past his lips as his phone rang. he spared himself one last glare in the mirror, a very nice one at that, as he grabbed for the phone he had carelessly thrown on his bed.
“yes?” he had answered, not looking at the screen. “uh, hey, felix told me to call you.” jisung .
a practiced laugh left hyunjin’s lips. “yea?” and when met with silence, “what?”
“it’s kinda almost 5 dude. we’re meeting for pictures, remember?”
“oh,” great, another part of the night he had shoved to the back of his mind, “yeah, i’m leaving now. i’ll be there real soon. see you then.” bye, jisung .
it wasn’t that he despised jisung. a series of unfortunate events had just occurred over the last few years of knowing each other that had created a wall of strong dislike. he knew how to tolerate, but hyunjin was one to feel. and he felt hurt by jisung when he had pushed past him on his first day, like he was so insignificant to spend ten seconds on, and when he had insisted that he was going to win the timed essay contest that same year, and when hyunjin had won instead, he had grumbled and muttered that hyunjin didn’t deserve it, and when in sixth grade he clung to felix so hard that hyunjin had felt like an outsider in his own friend group because it had only been a year and he seemed to be all alone without felix, and when he found out that jisung had stolen his sweatpants for gym class, leaving him unprepared and making him lose points and sit out for the day… the list went on. hyunjin was one to feel, and feel strongly at that.
pictures, party, and pajamas. he had a plan.
a few seconds, another glance in the mirror. he had to admit, he looked good. his hair was slicked up, in a style he might not appreciate so much in the next few years and certainly not when he’d try to wash the gel out, but those were details to regret later.
maybe his mother’s proud smile was worth it.
he knew it. the dance was going to be dreadful. he knew it was dreadful from its inception, and his thoughts were verified as they had taken cheesy prom-esque pictures at felix’s place (maybe it was a little fun, but you would not catch hyunjin admitting that), and then they were verified again as he was left with jisung at the table, too reluctant to get up and join his peers on the extravagant dance floor. he missed the scratched wood and the careless, silly moves. he really didn’t want to be in the stuffy, stunning room.
a humongous, excessive, chandelier brightened the dim room, highlighting the decorative banner with their school’s name and graduating year. “so far away,” hyunjin thought with a huff. he turned his attention back to the table, ignoring the polished and glistening dance floor in favor of the dull tablecloth. this, at least, was not heavily elitist and was a refreshing change of pace for hyunjin. plain and sensible. not entirely sensible because white is so easy to stain and hyunjin just knows he would drop watermelon or pasta or sauce or something so obviously red on it, painting the blank canvas a flawed and blemished shade of scarlet in his embarrassment.
chan was definitely wrong. this was not a night he was going to look forward to remembering.
the tablecloth changed from a sheet that held shape to a blurring blob of ivory and spots as his eyes unfocused and his thoughts whirred. he didn’t even notice the light tap on his arm, jisung having moved next to him when he realized that none of his other friends would be coming back to their seats any time soon. helplessly, jisung looked around, hoping to see felix walking up to him with a bright and serene smile on his face. no felix in sight, except for on the dance floor, hand in hand with seungmin. jisung’s eyes narrowed; yeah, he would have to ask felix about that later. more pressing things awaited him- like a clearly upset hyunjin.
he knew hyunjin didn’t like him. the reason had flew over his head from the start, but here the boy was, clearly upset, visibly pouting , and jisung was worried. so he tapped the boy again. nada. a sigh.
hyunjin felt arms curl around his bicep, freezing under the boy’s loose hold. slowly, he turned his head. “jisung?”
“hyunjin?” jisung matched his tone, tilting his head to the left.
that apparently did not work on hyunjin, if the blank stare he gave jisung was anything to go by. which it was. everything.
sigh.
“well, you seemed lost in thought, and i was trying to see how you were doing because you seem upset and-,”
“jisung.” is he concerned for me? he sounds like he cares…
“-i don’t know normally felix would be here and he would just fix everything because that’s what felix does but he’s too busy-,”
“jisung.” maybe i am not being entirely truthful. maybe we are not being entirely truthful.
“-dancing with seungmin, and i think interrupting him would be life threatening, so-,”
“han jisung.” do i even hate you like i think i do?
just like that the breath eased out of the boy, a breath he wasn’t even aware of holding. hyunjin was staring at him, like he never had before, a small smile on his lips directed at him .
“yes?” jisung almost didn’t want to hear what the boy before him had to say. hyunjin hadn’t smiled at him like that before. it was small, but it was genuine and warm and seemed almost appreciative. sure, they were stuck in the same friend group, and he and hyunjin knew how to exist in each other’s company without constantly arguing, but never had hyunjin looked at him in the way that he was looking at him now.
“let’s go dance.”
jisung’s eyebrows furrowed, weaving together in confusion. “what?” he replied, a little louder than intended as hyunjin untangled his hand from his bicep and pulled him out of the chair, towards that same unblemished dance floor.
but you’re not my daddy
and i’m not your dolly
and your dictionary’s
destroyed