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With longing eyes stared at the latest photo his sister had sent him of his nephew, Luka. Struggling to believe the pup was almost 2 months old already. And he truly was the light of his parents life. Victoria telling him that she had never felt a love like she felt for her pup.
It should be so heartwarming, but it left a bitter taste in his mouth and an emptiness inside him. Trying his best not to feel hurt by his alpha's refusal to give him one. Daniel kept telling him they weren't ready for that. That Max was still so young and he himself wasn't just yet ready for that kind of commitment. As an omega he should be pleased to have such a considerate mate like that, but nothing could be further from the truth. His inner omega was whining. Hurting from the fact that apparently he wasn’t enough for his alpha, wasn’t worth to give him pups. And that cut deeper than he wanted to admit.
Back when he had met Daniel, he had predicted his life course would have gone so different from how it had turned out to be. He had been such a skeptic little omega when they became team mates. Seriously doubting the fact that there even was such a thing as a destined mate. After all, with his parents, he had far from the a perfect example of how it should be. On top of that he had to hear the stories of his his alpha father treaded potential mates after that, even when the man firmly denied there was even a hint of truth in those rumors. Convincing him they were all made up by people that were jealous of him.
But then he had met Daniel and he had instantly felt drawn to the cheery, laid back Australian alpha. Had instantly felt a connection to him. Always longing to be near him, to the point it got him looks from the team. Not Daniel had minded, always welcoming with open arms and a nuzzle. It was perfect!
He had believed that that was it. That he had found his mate, and had waited for Daniel to make the first move, like a proper alpha. To make his intentions of wanting to claim him clear. He had waited, and waited. Until it had become painfully obvious to him, that that moment wasn't coming. Leaving him terribly confused and hurt. The fact that an alpha like Daniel, who he considered his, didn't want him, hurt beyond words. Pained him like he had never experienced before. His omega whining, feeling unworthy and unwanted.
Heartbroken he had done the only thing he could, and had withdrawn himself from the man's life. Stubbornly decided deciding that if the man didn't want him as a mate, he wasn't worth his friendship either. Not to mention it was simply to painful to constantly be around the Australian.
It had seemed like a good idea at the time, if it wasn’t for the fact that while it tore him apart to do so, Daniel seemed unaffected. It was enough to make him see red, and he nearly had wanted to confront the alpha there and then. And he would have, hadn’t it been for the fact that they had been in a garage full of people. And the last thing he wanted was the added shame of everyone knowing how unloved and unwanted he was. An omega unworthy of an alpha.
Instead he forcefully pushed his feelings down. Had thrown himself into racing. Determined to never allowed himself to believe there was such a thing as an alpha for him. Mates were all just a stupid fairytale and he should have listened to his father. The man having told him time and time again that alpha’s would only try to use him, but would never want to be in it for him.
And so he moved on. Becoming and driving more angry and aggressive than before, but he didn’t care. It gave him what he wanted, results and wins.
That was until one day he had been about to round a corner when he heard his name. Stopping in his tracks, he listened, hearing Sebastian talk to Daniel. The German questioning the alpha if he knew what was going on with him, with Max. That his behavior was spiraling out of control and someone needed to intervene before it would all go terribly wrong.
**FLASHBACK**
Peaking around the corner, he saw Sebastian gave Daniel a pointed look that was slightly confusing. Daniel wasn't his keeper. And he heard the Australian trying to downplay it, like it was no big deal. That Max just needed to be young and free.
The sarcastic laugh that fell from the German’s lips felt surprisingly comforting. Like the man was aware of what was happening. “You’re a fool if you believe that is what Max wants” the man commented. Rolling his eyes at the confused look that earned him. “You truly are an idiot. Max was crazy about you. His omega wanted you, particularly throwing himself at your feet." Max cheeks burned with embarrassment had he been that obvious? "Yet you were the one that ignored that want and didn’t return his feelings. To the point he eventually got the hint and distanced himself from you. Please don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the brokenhearted look, or how he couldn't even meet your eyes the weeks after.”
Max swallowed hard, feeling a little humiliated by how obvious he had apparently been. Beyond embarrassed that the others were not only aware of his feelings, but also the fact that they had seen that he had been turned down by an alpha. So not only had Daniel broke his heart, he made a complete fool of himself before being turned down. An omega's worst nightmare! God if his father ever heard that... He shuddered not wanting to think of that.
“What are you talking about?” Daniel replied to the German’s accusations. “Max doesn’t want a mate, he’s barely 19.”
“Oh don’t give me that” Sebastian argued, annoyance clearly evident in his voice. “He’s been an adult for a year and half now. And one who clearly knew what he wanted. You were the one that turned him down.”
“I didn’t turn him…” but the man’s words faltered. “That was not what I wanted Seb.” Shaking his franticly. “It’s just that he was so young. He shouldn’t have wanted to be tied down at that age. I'd been taking advantage of him.”
“Was that up to you, to decided that?” Sebastian asked critically. ”Because from my point of view, that was up to Max.”
“Fuck.” Daniel ran a hand over his face. “That’s why he’s being so ruthless isn’t it. He believes I didn’t want him.”
“Finally.” Followed by a big show of rolling his eyes. “Honestly when did you become so dense.” Holding up his hand before Daniel could answer. “That doesn’t matter now. What does is that you need to fix this, before Max ends up hurting himself or worse in a coffin.” Probably knowing it was a low blow, but Sebastian clearly believed it needed to be delivered.
**END FLASHBACK**
Max had sneaked away after that. Feeling slightly lightheaded as his mind tried to process everything he had just heard and what it all meant. Ignoring his inner omega that was jumping with joy at the prospect of his alpha wanting him after all, but Max himself was a little more skeptical. Daniel had hurt him deeply by denying him and he wasn’t just about to jump in the man’s arms now that he might finally show that he wanted Max as well. No he refused to that. He wasn't so easy. The alpha needed to work for his love and to regain his trust.
It had taken a while before he accepted the alpha’s courting. Going as far as insisting to take it slow. His heart was still healing and part of him was still a little afraid it was all too good to be true. That Daniel might only be doing this to stop him from being so reckless. And Daniel had been humble and hadn't complained. How could he, he had been the one that had claimed Max was still so young after all.
But as time went by Max had found himself forgiven the man and allowed himself to bath in the alpha's love. The ended up mated just before Christmas. He had been 20 ar the time, and the future had looked bright. He finally had the alpha of his dreams at his side. They had been on cloud 9.
At least for a while. Looking back he could see the first cracks had formed not long after their mating, when the topic of pups had been brought up. Honestly he shouldn’t have been surprised when Daniel told them they should wait a little before having them. With the way the alpha always so focused on his age. So when the alpha had told him there was no need to hurry, that they had plenty of time, he had accepted that. He had been so in love with, that he had been willing to put his longing for a family aside for a while. Like Daniel had said, they still had plenty of time.
And now he was 23. 3 years had passed since and everyone around him had or was starting a family, including his younger sister. Hell even Nico and Kevin had welcomed their first pup just over a week ago. A gorgeous little girl named Laurie.
He had always thought their was a little parallel between Nico and his own alpha, with neither of them wanting children right after mating.
Nico had always claimed he still needed his freedom, until the alpha had confided in Max that he had finally admitted to his mate that the real reason was that he was terrified he wouldn't be a good father to their pups; Max of course had called him an idiot. "That's what Kevin said too" Nico had answered with a crooked smile. And seeing him with Laurie just a couple of days ago truly proved the alpha hadn't had anything to worry about. Because albeit still a little awkward, he was a natural and loving father.
And that brought him back to where Daniel was different from Nico in that aspect. Daniel was already at ease around children, from their friends pups to his own nieces and nephews. And that had brought a poignant thought to the surface. That maybe the reason Daniel kept postponing them having pups wasn't because of him, but due to the fact that the alpha doubted Max would make a good parent. Or worse that he didn’t think Max was worthy of having his pups.
Yet stubbornly as he was he refused listen to that doubt or to just give in, bringing the subject up once again a few days ago. Knowing that the alpha was leaving for L.A soon, having scheduled promo work there for his clothing line. Maybe it was foolish, but Max had hoped that them seeing Nico and Kevin with Laurie would change his alpha’s standpoint. That it would finally awake the longing Max himself had felt for years and that had intensified by both Kevin’s and his sister’s pregnancies. He been convinced that this time would be different.
“Have you seen the recent photo Nico send us of Laurie?” he questioned his alpha. Trying his best to act nonchalantly. Like he hadn’t planned to use it.
“Yeah. She’s freaking adorable, isn’t she” Daniel grinned.
Nodding Max agreed. “Makes you long for a pup of your own, doesn’t it.” Sucking in his breath in anticipation, while waiting for his mate’s answers. His hopeful heart hammering in his chest. Only to shatter when he saw Daniel go rigid.
A sigh falling from the alpha’s lips. “Max not this again, please.” Sounding tired. “We’ve talked about this. It isn’t our time yet.”
Anger replaced the hurt. “Yeah so you keep saying” he bit out. “When will be our time, when I’m 80 and can no longer conceive huh?”
Turning to him, Daniel’s eyes bled red as he glared. “Don’t be stupid Max.” Words that felt like a slap to the face. Not that the alpha noticed, having already turned back around. “I don’t have time for this. My flight is in a few hours and I still need to pack.” Stomping towards their bedroom, leaving his completely crushed omega mate behind.
Things between them had been icy until Daniel left early the next morning. Still upset Max had turned his head when the man had leaned in to kiss him goodbye. His lips meeting Max his cheek instead. A frown had marred the alpha’s forehead, yet he hadn’t commented on the action before he left.
Placing his phone down on the table, he grabbed his laptop. Opening the web browser, he typed in ‘how to terminate a bonding’. While not completely uncommon, his parents had ended their mating as well after all, it was still frowned upon till this day. With a lot of people still believing mating was for life. Trusting their inner omega, beta or alpha would pick the right mate. But the pain and disappoint were growing to be too much for him to handle. And like his mother, he refused to be miserable while bonded.
Still his hand moved to his mating mark, but it did nothing to calm him. If anything it just made him feel cold.
There was no denying that he loved Daniel, more than anything in his life. For so long, he had believed the alpha had been his world, his whole universe. But maybe what he felt wasn’t enough. Not when kept feeling like it mostly all came from his side.
Daniel refusal to have pups was a huge part of that, but far from the only reason. It was the fact that once again the man just made the decision for them, for him. Just like when he hadn’t acted on Max his advances, because he had determined Max was too young to be courted or to be taken as a mate. It was the man’s inability to listen or pick up what Max wants and needs. The way Daniel continued to refuse to enlighten what motivated him to do so.
Yes back when he was still a teenager, it had been his young age of 18 and later 19. But he had ended up understanding that, how Daniel had been afraid to pressure him, to take advantage of him considering their 8 years age difference. That the man wanted him to have a chance to enjoy life before being tied down. Because that had been what the alpha had called it, hadn’t he? Being tied down.
An icy shiver suddenly ran down his spine as a new thought popped up in his head. Could it be that that hadn't been about Max at all? What if had been actually Daniel point of view, how he felt, being tied down by a mating bond. It certainly would explain why he rarely invited Max on the promo trips, like he was currently on. Where the alpha might feel like he could enjoy a bit of freedom. And it would explain his refusal to start a family. Something that would only tie him down even further, wouldn't it.
A sudden nausea had him scrambling for the toilet, barely managing to make it before emptying the content of his stomach. Feeling sick at the realization that it all might have been a lie. That he might have been nothing but a burden for his alpha.
No! The alpha, he harshly corrected himself. Because if there was only a shimmer of truth in any of this, it became eerily evident that Daniel might have never really wanted to be his alpha.
A new wave of nausea, made him throw up even more at the thought that Daniel might have only agreed to start courting him, because of the talk Sebastian had had with the alpha, about him being out of control. Pressuring him. Had the alpha only done it to ensure the safety of the other drivers. That couldn’t be right? Had it all truly been a lie? Had his life been a lie? Tears were streaming down his face as he cried heartbrokenly. Completely devastated.
Having no idea how long he sat there, huddled over the toilet, but it was long after his stomach completely emptied. Eventually he weakly pushed himself back to his feet. Rinsing his mouth and splashing water in his face. Avoiding looking into the mirror afraid of the pathetic reflection he would see there.
Eventually he managed to make it back to his laptop. Sitting down with one leg pulled up, hugging it close to his chest, as he continued his search. Eventually finding an agency specialist in the subject here in Monaco. Hesitantly emailing them for an appointment, because he couldn’t bring himself to pick up the phone and call. Not ready to have to speak it out loud. Even if it was only an introductory meeting to find out what his options were. Highly aware of the fact that he would still have to talk Daniel, before he could even make the decision to put anything in motion. But he wanted, no needed to be prepared.
Rather numbly he closed his laptop and got back to his feet. Walking with wobbly legs towards his and Daniel's bedroom, before decided against it last minute. Instead opting to make use of the bed in their guestroom instead. Completely drained and with the feeling of having a giant void inside of him, he laid down, curling himself into the fetus position. Allowing himself to cry until there were no more tears left.