Chapter Text
It was 1 am and Bokuto couldn’t sleep. His thoughts were racing, his bed was too warm, and if he stared at his ceiling for another minute he was pretty sure his one brain cell might just explode. With a final, cursory glance at his phone to see that there were still in fact no new notifications, he sat up and got out of bed, haphazardly toeing on some shoes to wear outside.
Outside felt much better, the air was cooler and more refreshing, and the persistent hum of electronics was gone, even if only to be replaced by the sound of the street light. He grabbed the ladder stored in his backyard and climbed to the top of the roof of the house he shared with a couple of the other old high school volleyball captains that managed to attend the same university as him. They all were on the university’s volleyball team and they even had starting positions as first years, but Bokuto didn’t feel like he deserved his anymore.
Kuroo and Daichi knew about his dejected mode, they’d played against him in high school enough to have seen it, especially at the summer training camp, so thankfully they weren’t weird about it and were supportive enough. It was his other teammates that made him feel all the negative emotions that brought him to the roof tonight. They were never outright mean of course, they were just… confused? Bokuto wasn’t sure what the right word was there but confused started to cover it. They started out concerned, asking questions to see if they could help, but then they started asking questions like “why is this happening again?” and “isn't this the third time this week?” and they had just started avoiding his gaze when he fell down into the mental spiral he couldn’t escape. It was isolating, to say the least.
More than that, Bokuto felt guilty. Guilty for causing problems for the team when he couldn’t perform right. Guilty because he’s making his teammates uncomfortable. Guilty because Daichi and Kuroo have to deal with him when he comes home after a practice or game where he didn’t bounce back. Guilty, guilty, guilty.
“GAHH!” Bokuto yelled while rapidly ruffling his hands through his hair. It didn’t fix his problems, but stimming with his hair made him feel a little better. He leaned back on the roof, taking comfort in the texture of the shingles.
He didn’t always feel this guilty when he played volleyball and got dejected though. In high school, Akaashi was always there to help him through it, and his teammates were always very supportive. Sometimes he thought Akaashi knew him better than he knew himself, and hearing about the setter’s mental Bokuto calculator always made him laugh.
He laid there reminiscing about all of the time he spent with Akaashi and felt a twinge of guilt when he remembered that he hadn’t had a lot of communication with him after he left for university, just some daily snapchats and the occasional shared meme.
I should go see Akaashi, I miss him , he thought.
While Bokuto laid there a train passed across the top of the hill by the stoplight closest to his house. Must be 1:30 am , he thought, he always heard it pass when he was up this late. The train wasn’t visible from any window on the ground, but he found he could see it from the roof. It always made him smile like it was a reward for getting to the top, plus there was something comforting about its routine, even if it also served as a timely reminder that he needed to go to bed. He still had class in the morning.
--
In a string of luck, Bokuto had the next weekend off with no “optional” practices. After finding out he grabbed his phone to text Akaashi immediately.
B: akaaaaaashi!!
B: i'm gonna come watch your practice this weekend!!! ( ° ∀ ° )ﾉﾞ
B: (hehe that looks like an owl right!!)
B: i can't wait to see you!!
A: i can't wait to see you too :>
A: (that also looks like a bird)
Seeing Akaashi’s response made Bokuto beam, he could always count on him to send bird emojis back. The spiker rode his high spirits to finish his homework for the weekend (well most of it anyway) and threw some clothes into a bag so he could catch the soonest train back home after his classes the next day.
--
When Bokuto woke up that weekend, there was more light streaming through his window than he thought there should be.
Oh shit, I slept through my alarm.
He jumped out of bed and threw on the clothes that he, thankfully, had set out the night before and began to make his way down to Fukuroodani Academy. The way there was still second nature so, despite his lateness, it was a calming walk in the sunshine. He passed a shop window, still dark as it hadn’t yet opened, and took a moment to glance at his reflection. He had taken extra care to make sure his owl horn spiked hair looked especially good today. I’m pretty sure it’s normal to want to show off to your old teammates when you go back for a visit , he assured himself. Satisfied with his appearance he quickened his pace, very excited to see his favorite setter after so many months.
He originally had intended to arrive shortly after warmups ended, he knew how hard it was to get back into an interrupted routine so he wasn’t going to be the one to interrupt them. But since he was an hour later than he wanted, they’d likely be deeper into practice and it’d be harder to interrupt. That was fine though, he’d just wait up in the rafters and watch.
When he opened the door he was met with a lot more noise than he was expecting. His old teammates, along with the new first years, were locked in a practice match against Nohebi Academy. He watched Akaashi effortlessly set to Onaga who made a cross-shot past the snakes’ blockers. The spike hit right on the inside of the line, so the team of owls made the point.
“NICE KILL ONAGA!” Bokuto yelled into the gym.
His old team turned towards him and smiled, a collective set of “Bokuto!”s ringing out from them.
“I’m gonna watch your match from up top,” Bokuto said as he made his way toward the rafter’s ladder, “oh, and Onaga? Your cross-shot was almost out, try to put a little more downward force into it to make it land sooner!”
“OH! I didn’t even notice thanks!” the second-year spiker yelled back.
When he got to the second floor of the gym, Bokuto leaned against the railing, taking pride in his team as they maintained a 4 point lead against Nohebi academy. There weren’t many third years on the team, and Akaashi was the only one who had had a regular position last year, but the second and first years were certainly holding their own against the third Tokyo representative in last year’s nationals.
A little over an hour and a half later, the teams had called the final match, 4 -1 Owl vs Snakes. Not to take too much pride, but the match they lost was when they swapped in the second year setter Anahori to give him some extended practice in a match. To his credit though, it was a close loss. Fukuroodani will be in good hands when Akaashi graduates, Bokuto thought fondly.
“HEY HEY HEY AKAAAAAASHI!!” Bokuto yelled as he scrambled down to his teammates. He made his way over to the dark-haired setter and held his arms up, “Can I hug you?”
“Bokuto, I’m very sweaty.”
“Haha, I don't care about that! I haven’t seen my best friend in months plus I'm a volleyball player, I can handle a little sweat.” He exclaimed proudly.
Akaashi laughed and agreed, giving in to one of Bokuto’s crushing excited hugs.
“It’s good to see you again Bo,” Akaashi smiled.
The pair chatted back and forth for a while about the match, Bokuto making sure to point out every cool moment he saw with Akaashi chiming in about the new things the team had been trying or how the second and first years had improved.
“Hey barn owl move off the court so we can clean up,” Onaga yelled, “you love birds can catch up later.”
“OnaGAAAAA,” Bokuto yelled as he ran to wrangle the spiker for bringing up the joke about him and Akaashi being married again. Bokuto didn’t mind the joke of course, but he had to attack the people who brought it up out of principle.
Bokuto stepped out of the gym to wait for Akaashi by the club room. He had to admit, it made him really happy to hear someone call him and his old setter love birds again. It reminded him of some of his favorite times in volleyball, plus he always felt happy when he was with Akaashi.
Akaashi walked out of the club room in his street clothes and walked over to his old captain. “Ready to go?”
“Absolutely ‘Kaashi,” Bokuto smiled, “want to go grab some pork buns from the convenience store down the road like we used to after practice matches?”
“Sure! I’m starving,” he agreed, starting to walk away, “oh sorry about Onaga’s joke, I hope it didn’t make you uncomfortable.”
“Hm? Oh no, it didn’t. More than anything it reminded me of how they would make the same jokes when I was on the team with you and of how much fun we had together!”
“Okay that’s good, I know it made you a little panicky the first few times they made the joke so I wanted to make sure you were still good.”
“Ah yeah, I was really confused and eventually frustrated the first few times they made the joke cause I thought I had missed something important and I didn’t understand what was going on. Once I figured out it was a joke about how close we are, and that I hadn’t been the only one to miss the fact that we were in a relationship, I was fine, and still am!” Bokuto explained.
“Hm, that makes sense. I’ll admit it also took me by surprise and I felt too anxious to talk to you about it haha,” Akaashi smiled and fidgeted with the strap of his bag, indicating to Bokuto that he probably was still a bit nervous talking about it.
Soon the duo arrived at the convenience store and the owl-haired spiker bought pork buns for them both and Akaashi bought them both a sports drink. Chiming their thank you’s to the cashier, they took their goods and headed out to a nearby park where they used to hang out after practice when it wasn’t too cold. Bokuto thought it felt good to know that despite how long it had been since they’d practiced together and how long it had been since they’d come to this park, they could still spend time together as if no time had passed at all.
Akaashi tore into his first pork bun with a lack of decorum few of his teammates ever saw, but it was nothing new to his owl haired companion. As he uncapped his drink he looked over to Bokuto and asked, “so what brought you back home?”
Bokuto sighed and leaned back against the bench, “I had a weekend off and I missed you.”
“Koutarou, you messaged me that you were visiting at 2 am, you only stay up that late before a practice when something’s bothering you.”
Bokuto’s eyes widened, “busting out my first name for that callout huh ‘Kaashi.” He paused for another few seconds and sighed, “I just… I was thinking about my practices with my team at uni and... I never really realized how much you helped me at practice and in games. Like, not just with your sets, but you knew what to do when I got dejected or when I started spiraling into a shutdown. You knew how to get me out of it, and you never looked down on me for any of it.”
“Bo…” Akaashi looked directly at his face, “are your teammates… not treating you well?”
Bokuto averted his gaze from the other’s eyes, “I wouldn’t say that… they just don’t seem to know what to do with me? Not even just when I get down but also when I get really loud or I stim in front of them after a good or bad set. Like, Daichi and Kuroo knew about my ‘dejected mode’ and my other teammates were genuinely concerned for a little while but now they seem kind of frustrated by it, and they’ll talk behind my back about their frustrations and I just… I don’t know Keiji, it’s just starting to get to me you know?”
Akaashi nodded, prompting Bokuto to continue and the spiker laughed, “I never thanked you for everything you did for me Akaashi, so thank you. You made a world of difference in my whole life, not just in volleyball, because you were actually willing to work with me without looking down on me ever. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough.”
Akaashi smiled and put his hand on Bokuto’s shoulder, “You’re welcome Bokuto, and I would do all of that all over again in a heartbeat because you’re worth making minor adjustments for.” Bokuto smiled, and then looked back at Akaashi inquisitively as if asking what he meant.
“Bokuto, you can and should ask your teammates to make some of the adjustments I made for you. Let them know that when you’re dejected because of a bad run of spikes or being blocked, you just need a little bit of time to let it pass or work through it before giving you some encouragement and setting to you again. And if that’s not the case, tell them to just ask you what’s wrong, like at nationals when you were a little upset because we weren’t in the main arena and that change from what you expected and wanted bothered you, I just had to explain how you were still going to get the attention that you wanted from the audience present and you were fine! These aren’t huge changes to the way teammates already have to communicate, you’ll just have to be upfront about the kind of communication you need.”
Bokuto sat there for a moment, genuinely astonished at how simply Akaashi was able to put the basics of what he did. But as he processed the possibility of asking these things from his teammates he became more worried that doing so might just alienate him more.
“What if they start viewing my request as a burden because I’m asking them to pay so much attention to me during a match or practice? Like, Kuroo’s a good friend so he’ll be absolutely willing to work with me and Daichi probably already has experience because he was captain to Hinata and Kageyama, but those are only two people out of so many… Hell if I want to go pro or even the Olympics, how could I ask so many people to change what they do just for me?”
Akaashi was silent for a moment, thinking of the best way to respond, but the pause was long enough to cause Bokuto to panic and he started to quickly apologize, “GAH! I’m sorry for ranting so much especially after not talking to you very much the past few months and-”
The dark-haired setter cut him off, “Koutarou, you don't have to apologize to me, I was taking a moment to figure out the best response for you and I’m not mad at you in any way.” He smiled and put both hands on Bokuto’s shoulders, “Koutarou, you are worth the adjustments and the accommodations, you are worth the effort. You can ask any of your old teammates and they will tell you the same thing. We all came together to learn how to help you when you were experiencing your lows and how to communicate with you best because you are also a good person and a good teammate both on and off the court. You are worth the effort, please don’t ever forget that.”
Bokuto looked at Akaashi and then turned his gaze away to the nearby tree as tears formed in his eyes. The setter’s statement was so straightforward and kind, and it was one that Bokuto had never considered. He had spent so long worrying about his teammates rejecting and hating him that the simple thought, I’m worth the effort, hadn’t been able to cross his mind. He looked back at Akaashi and smiled, quickly wrapping him in a hug.
“Thank you Keiji.”
The pair sat on the bench hugging each other for a few moments longer before Bokuto sat up and looked at the time on his phone and said, “It’s getting a bit late, we should probably get you home for dinner.”
Akaashi laughs and starts to grab his bag, “Don’t worry Bo I don’t mind, I miss getting to talk after practices like this,” and with that, they began the walk back to the setter’s home.
--
The two finally reached Akaashi’s home and stopped at the end of the driveway to say their goodbyes.
“Don’t forget to text me while you’re at school okay? I promise you won't be bothering my practice or my studies and I love hearing about all of your adventures,” said Akaashi.
Bokuto laughed and placed his hands on his waist in an overdramatic power stance, “ I will tell you about all of my greatest spikes!”
Akaashi smiled and began to turn to the door, “See you Kou!” but Bokuto grabbed his arm before he could leave and said, “You’re a really good friend Keiji.”
Friend. As the word left his mouth, Bokuto felt his heart drop as if filled with sadness or doubt, like he wished there was some other word to put there instead. Before he could figure out the tug in his heart Akaashi turned back and gave him one of his small smiles, “Thank you.”
Bokuto waited until Akaashi made it inside before deciding to leave, and the moment the door closed behind his closest friend he immediately wished it hadn’t and that Akaashi was still standing beside him. He stepped back from the driveway, looked up into the sky and whispered, “ Akaashi.”